Violent World
by Zaney HacknSlash
Summary: Hunted by two powerful, new foes, the team begins to break apart. Loyalty and sanity are questioned, inner demons are unleashed, and for once, making it to India is the least of their problems. All Pov. Epic.
1. Chapter 1

**Gojyo**

"Damn. How long is this gonna' take?" I sighed and blew a burst of smoke up into the air.

"Quit your bitching. It's not like you're not doing anything." Smoke from his cigarette mixed with mine.

"You've got a lot of nerve saying something like that, Lord Sanzo—you never do anything. You're lazier than I am."

"Gojyo, no one's lazier than you—I'm just above doing the manual labor."

Finally, I turned to glare at him. He'd been on my nerves all morning, "What'dya' mean, 'no one's lazier than me'?"

"Exactly what it sounds like it means."

"You're a real dick, you know that, Sanzo!"

He gave me a sharp look, "Better than being a limp dick."

"Hey!" I got up from my seat on the bench. We were sitting outside the little indoor market Hakkai and Goku had vanished into about an hour ago, mostly because we weren't allowed to smoke inside. "You wanna' take this to a whole new level? Those're fightin' words, Sanzo!"

Sanzo turned away, a foppish expression on his face, "You're too lazy to fight me."

"The hell I am! I'm not above kicking your girly ass!"

He glared again, "Or maybe I'll just kill you!"

"Death threats this early in the morning?" Hakkai appeared over my left shoulder, carrying a few bags of groceries, a frown seeming to wrinkle his whole face. "Goodness, you two, we're not even in the car yet."

"This guy's pushin' my buttons." I grumbled.

"Perhaps you simply have too many buttons to push."

I glared at him, but he just ignored it and shoved a pair of bags into my arms, almost making me drop my cigarettes, "You don't mind carrying these, do you?"

"What about him?"

"Hm?" My best friend cocked an eyebrow at me, "Oh, Sanzo? I've long since given up on attempting to make him carry anything. He's not much use as a beast of burden, I'm afraid."

There was a hidden insult in there somewhere, directed at me, but with Hakkai there always was, so I focused on the blatant insult he'd given Sanzo, and smirked over at the monk, "Not much use, huh?"

"I'm going to kill you both. Hakkai, where the hell is the monkey?"

"Goku? Well he was just," Hakkai turned to look behind him, and stared at the empty spot for a while, "behind me. That's strange. Where could he have gone?"

"You lost him?"

"Now, now, Sanzo, I'm sure he's nearby."

"Great." I snorted, doing my best to dispose of my cigarette and light a new one with the bags in my hands, "Now we've gotta' wait for him. Unless you wanna' go look for him, Sanzo."

Sanzo muttered a few curses under his breath, "God dammit. Come on."

I lingered a second as the went on ahead, still focusing on trying to get my cigarette lit, but I was starting to think the lighter was dead, "Hey, Sanzo, wait up a sec. Help a guy out?"

He gave me that all-too-familiar look of frustration and disgust, like he couldn't believe I actually had the gall to ask him to condescend to help me. "I don't have lighter fluid to waste on you."

"Oh, c'mon you tightass! I light your damn cigarette all the time!"

"Hn. So?"

"SO? SO! You should return the favor!"

Sanzo actually came back to me—he was actually going to do it. It was incredible. Unbelievable. A miracle even.

Goku's voice broke the perfection of the moment, "Sanzo! Sanzo, look!"

He'd come up behind me without my realizing it, running by holding twice as many bags as I had, and rammed me with his shoulder on the way past. I'm sure it was an accident, but the results were still catastrophic.

The impact knocked me off balance, and I found myself falling forward, unable to use my arms to get my balance or stop myself.

I fell right into Sanzo, who wasn't quite quick enough to get out of the way, and the next thing I knew, we were on the ground, me on top of him, all the groceries I'd been holding scattered on the ground, and my face was just inches from Sanzo's.

His eyes got so big I probably would have laughed if the circumstances were different, and if I hadn't been certain that the look on my face was exactly the same.

For just a moment, we were stuck like that, neither of us able to move fast enough, and it seemed like a long time passed, like I couldn't get up, and in the back of my mind I perceived that since I was the one on him it was up to me to get us out of this incredibly awkward situation. I was also sure I couldn't move fast enough.

"Get off you bastard!" He shoved my chest in a futile attempt to get away from me, and I let loose a horrified scream, jumped up and backed away from him, running right into Hakkai.

Sanzo scrambled up too and got as far from me as he could, glaring at me the whole time, like he thought I'd done it on purpose. "What the hell is your problem, Gojyo?"

"My problem? You think that was my fault?"

"Of course it was! Don't tell me you're so dense you can't realize that!"

"It was the monkey!"

"Light your own damn cigarette from now on, you stupid, good-for-nothing Kappa!"

It took me a second to realize my best friend was laughing. "Well, I've heard of kiss and make up before, but I think you two are taking it a bit to the extreme."

I turned to scowl at him, "Oy!"

Goku laughed a little too, "Sorry 'bout that, Gojyo."

"Sorry." I snorted. "What the hell were you so excited for in the first place?"

"Oh yeah! It's really cool—there's this guy over there givin' out free samples, an I wanna' go get some! Can we, Sanzo? Can we please? Pleeaase?"

"We don't have time for that. We have to keep moving."

"But why not? It's free!"

Forget it, Goku," I said, kneeling down to help Hakkai gather the groceries I'd dropped, "You wouldn't want to waste any of Holy Sanzo's precious time with something as trite as free food."

"You just shut up!" Sanzo ordered, "I don't want to hear another word out of you for the rest of the day!"

"What the hell did I do?"

"I'm not wasting my time explaining it to you. Let's just move out." He turned and started to walk away, even when we were still trying to collect the food scattered on the ground.

"That high and mighty asshole." I muttered. "What I wouldn't give to put his light's out."

"Don't let it bother you so much." Hakkai advised softly. He always had some kind of advice, but it wasn't always worth listening to.

"Why shouldn't I?"

"Sanzo's under a lot of pressure, whether we realize it or not."

"Pressure?" I laughed. "He never does anything, Hakkai—he's always making us do all the dirty work while he just sits back and smokes!"

"Perhaps it seems that way, but think about it, Gojyo. Sanzo is in charge of this whole mission; everything is up to him, and with the things that have been going wrong lately, I think it only makes sense that he's beginning to feel some stress. After all, the closer we get to Houtou castle, the more dangers we'll face—the entire mission hangs in a very delicate balance, and it's up to Sanzo to make sure that nothing disturbs it. Do you understand?"

I snorted unsympathetically, but thought it over for a second. As much as being under Sanzo's thumb sucked, I guess I knew deep inside that it would suck a lot worse to be in charge of this whole quest. As much as I didn't want to, I couldn't help feeling just a little understanding for the asshole. "I guess."

"I certainly wouldn't want to be Sanzo." Hakkai said, putting the last apple into the bag and standing up, "Well, we'd better get moving. It wouldn't do to get lost in a town this large."

I followed him, still thinking it over. How like Hakkai to try to see it from everyone's side; and how like him to make me see it the other way too. He was always good for that.

We caught up to Goku and Sanzo, and I kept thinking about what Hakkai had said. The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. On top of being in charge of this incredibly stressful journey, Sanzo had to put up with the three of us and all our bullshit. He had to be our fearless leader, even when any one of us could probably rip him apart. For some reason, I started to feel the slightest pang of guilt for being such a pain in the ass, which wasn't normal at all. There was probably something wrong with me.

Whether there was something wrong with me or not, I felt the strangest need to apologize, so I waited until Hakkai and Goku were distracted-Hakkai was picking out fruit from a vendor, and Goku was drooling over food-and approached Sanzo, who was leaning against a nearby wall, puffing his cigarette and looking like he didn't know any of us.

_There has to be somethin' wrong with me._ I thought, as I approached him. But it was too late to stop myself. Whatever had gotten into me wasn't going to just go away, so I went over and stood beside him, folding my arms and leaning back, trying to decide what I should say—it wasn't every day I apologized to Sanzo, let alone sincerely. I cleared my throat.

He just stared straight ahead, blowing smoke from his nose.

Convinced that he simply hadn't heard me, I cleared it again, a little louder this time, but still he didn't give a reaction.

I don't know why I did what I did next. When I look back I can easily see that it was a huge mistake-probably the biggest mistake I'd made all day-but at the time it just felt right. I leaned over and just sort of casually hung my arm off his shoulder. I didn't hook it around his neck. It wasn't like I tried to pull him into a hug or lean on him or anything. I just sort of rested my right forearm on his left shoulder. "Hey, Sanzo, I-"

Sanzo reacted immediately, shoving me off. He turned on me, looking angry and disgusted, "Goddammit, Kappa! How many times do I have to say it before it gets through your thick skull? Don't touch me like we're friends!"

I have no idea why I was surprised—it was a typical reaction, one I'd gotten before, but for some reason it startled me, and then the surprise turned to offense. It was bad enough that he was acting like I wasn't good enough to touch him, but the fact that I'd been intending to apologize and he'd shut me down just added insult to injury. "Hey, man, calm down!"

"I don't see what's so hard to understand about I don't want you touching me, ever, for any reason."

"What is your problem? I was just-"

"Gojyo, if I were dying, and you were the last person alive, I wouldn't want you to even touch me so you could bury me!"

Ok. That was really harsh. A lot harsher than I was willing to put up with. I mean, telling me 'hey man, I don't want to be touched', was one thing, but acting like it was denigrating for me to touch him was on a whole different level of insulting. It made my temper snap at once.

"Believe me, I wouldn't waste my time digging you a grave!"

"And I would never want to die in your presence in the first place!"

"What the fuck is your problem, Sanzo?"

"I thought you knew—you're my problem! So why don't you just shut your disgusting mouth and get the hell away from me before I put a bullet between your eyes!"

Steadily, all the sense Hakkai had made earlier, and all the sympathy I'd wasted on Sanzo, was draining away, replaced by rage. "You have got to be the biggest asshole I have ever met!"

"And you're the biggest idiot I've ever seen!"

"Fuck you! If you were dying in front of me, I'd just laugh in your face! I'd dance on your grave and go on my way!"

"Yeah, that sounds like you—immoral piece of shit!"

Hakkai and Goku had noticed us arguing by now and were standing there, just listening. After a moment, Hakkai attempted to interrupt, "Sanzo, Gojyo, you-"

Furious, I grabbed Sanzo by the front of his robe, jerking him forward, "Look Sanzo, I have no idea why you have a giant pole up your ass, if it's your daddy issues acting up or what, but I've had it up to here with you taking it out on me!"

Bad choice of words. But I wanted to get under his skin. I wanted to throw something in his face—anything I could think of.

Sanzo socked me in the stomach, right below the ribs, knocking the wind out of me, and growled, "In that case, maybe it's your mommy issues that make you so disgusting!"

Angrier than ever, I returned the blow, hitting him right in the face and knocking him to the side.

"Hey!" Goku yelled, "Cut it out! Both of you!"

But we were already involved in a full-scale fistfight. Sanzo came back at me, swinging another fist that connected curtly with my chin and snapped my head back. For a guy in a man-dress he really had a rough right hook.

I kicked him back in the chest and jumped on him, fisting my hand in his collar again and getting a hit in on his face before he managed to wrench away and take a swipe at my head.

I ducked under the blow and spun around, trying to roundhouse kick him in the jaw, but he was able to catch my ankle just in time and toss me.

I stumbled into a vegetable cart, knocking it over and breaking some of the apparatus, but I didn't let it slow me down, launched back at him, bashing him once in the eye with my elbow.

"You sunnova bitch!"

Sanzo threw himself at me, grabbing me around the chest and dragging me down. His knee dug into my side as he sat astride me, trying to pin me and punch me at the same time.

I bucked him off and scrambled after him, catching the hem of his robe and putting my fist in his mouth. I got a knuckle sandwich of my own in return, and a knee in the ribs. Sputtering, and coughing, I clenched my abdomen. Sanzo beat me down with one quick, karate chop to the back of my neck, and then I was choking on dust as he kicked me in the side.

People were gathering to watch by this time, murmuring and yelling. I heard some of them cheering, picking one of us out to root for: 'Go blonde guy!' 'Kick his ass, Red!' Things like that. There was also Goku and Hakkai somewhere in the background, but I couldn't make out what they were saying.

Screaming obscenities, I rolled to my feet and went at Sanzo again, grabbing his head and smashing it back against the wall of a building.

The monk crumpled at my feet, but I knew he wasn't out. A second later, he'd kicked my feet out from under me and we were wrestling around again, creating a thick cloud of dust in the air, and doing our best to put each other's lights out. He knocked some of my teeth loose, and I got his nose good so it started gushing blood.

I had just gotten the advantage, and was sitting on his chest, busting him over and over, when someone came up behind me and grabbed me under the arms, dragging me off Sanzo.

"Mother fucking son of a fucking bitch! Leme' go asshole!"

Sanzo took the opportunity to spring to his feet and come at me again, face and robes smeared with blood and dirt, knuckles busted open, those purple eyes filled with unholy rage.

I yelled again and tried to wrench away from Hakkai, but he spun around and Sanzo's blow glanced off his shoulder instead.

Goku got between the three of us, trying to keep Sanzo back, "Hey! Hey! Sanzo! Hey, wait!"

"Get the hell outta' the way, Goku! I'll kill him!"

"Eat my ass, Sanzo!" I screamed, noticing for the first time that there was blood gushing from above my left eyebrow. It stung my eye as it made the long trip down to my chin. "Hakkai, let me go!"

Hakkai hissed in my ear, "Not until you calm down."

"I am calm!" I snapped.

He sighed, "If you try attacking Sanzo I'll be the one to knock you in the dirt. Do you hear me?"

"Loud and clear." I growled.

Reluctantly, he let go, and pushed me forward a little.

Immediately, I spun around and took a few steps toward Sanzo, who was still pacing back and forth, trying to find a way around Goku, but Hakkai put a hand on my shoulder.

"Gojyo."

"It's fine," I wiped a thread of blood off my chin.

"Fine my ass." Sanzo snorted, coming forward a good three or four feet before Goku could stop him.

"I suggest you both take the proverbial chill pill and stop acting like a pair of school children." Hakkai's voice was cold as ice, "You may not have noticed, but this is not a playground."

For the first time I noticed the onlookers-really noticed them-and the fact that they'd formed a circle around us, staring in morbid fascination. Some of the women looked worried, and most of the old men were shaking their heads in disapproval, and I felt a vague wave of shame for starting a riot in the street, but I pointed at Sanzo, "He started it!"

"Me? I distinctly remember a certain stupid someone coming over and invading my private space when I was just minding my own damn business!"

"Well I distinctly remember that you took the first swing! I was just defending myself!"

"Enough, both of you!" Hakkai shouted. "It's bad enough that we have to spend every spare moment fighting off youkai without fighting each other too."

"I can end the fight easily enough." Sanzo said, that cruel smile gracing his face, and he made a gun with his hand, pointed it at me, and pretended to fire it. "That would take care of the roach infestation."

"Go ahead and try it asshole."

"Sanzo." Hakkai said reproachfully.

The self-righteous bastard kept glaring at me with fire in his eyes, and I was satisfied to see that I'd messed his pretty face up good.

Of course, I couldn't see what he'd done to my own pretty face.

"Now," Hakkai continued, "I suggest we all go to the inn and try to put all this behind us."

That should have been good enough for me; after all, it wasn't like he was asking us to shake hands or anything stupid like that, but when I thought about going to the inn and just going through the motions like nothing had happened, and putting up with Sanzo for a few more hours, or even for just another minute, my blood boiled, and I just couldn't stand the idea. It made me want to jump on him again and break his nose and every bone in his body.

I opted for something better. I turned around, pushing my way through the crowd that had gathered, and just left, not caring about where I went or how long I was gone. I was just sick to death of Sanzo, and I really couldn't stand the thought of being anywhere near him just then.

That stupid prick had insulted me for the last time.

"Gojyo!" I heard Hakkai call after me, but I ignored him. I was too angry to put up with any of this.

That's what I got for being understanding—God I was stupid.

I stormed away from the crowd, spitting out mouthfuls of blood and wiping it off my face, feeling the burn of it on my forehead and cheeks. I saw that the skin on the backs of my two outer knuckles was broken, and blood was streaking the back of my hand. I rubbed my chin with the back of my wrist and cursed under my breath, kept walking away from the market, back down the main business street. Most of the shops were unattended at the moment—I guess they had all gone to watch my fight with Sanzo.

The town we were in now was peaceful enough, but there were telltale signs of youkai attacks. Graves on the outskirts of the village, damaged property, houses with busted windows, and everyone had that same, fearful look in their faces. A cold, chilling look that only hinted at the hell they'd seen. There was a pretty big group of youkai living nearby, probably picking off humans when they wandered too far from home, or coming into the town to take what they wanted whenever they felt like it. We'd had to deal with them on our way in, of course, but I didn't think we'd finished the whole clan off. There were probably quite a few more, and that meant a potential attack tonight or tomorrow.

Not a good time or place to be wandering around alone.

I lit a cigarette and kept walking, turning to go down the business district, the opposite direction of the inn we'd seen earlier. The smoke helped to calm me down, but I couldn't get the taste of blood out of my mouth.

I walked a long ways, up toward the high-class neighborhoods where the houses were a little bigger and the people looked down their noses at me. I passed a few bars, but I didn't want to stop and drink, because I knew if I got drunk the anger would go away and be replaced with giddiness, so I passed them by with only a second glance, and kept going.

Eventually I came to a wide, peaceful river that divided the town right down the middle. The upper class houses on one side, and the buildings across the way ramshackle and abandoned looking. Windows and doors were boarded up, and everything looked to be in ill repair. I didn't see any sign of human life there, and it occurred to me that that might have been where the youkai of this village had lived before the calamity. Naturally segregated from the humans by this river.

I went and sat on the arched, stone bridge for a while, staring down into the water and smoking cigarette after cigarette as I thought.

Two halves of the same city: part human, part youkai.

Irony chiming in with fate to laugh at me, as usual.

Having to sit there and think about that asshole Sanzo didn't help me at all. I didn't want to think about him ever again, and I definitely didn't want to let anything he'd said bother me.

I was sitting there probably a good thirty minutes before I heard footsteps on the bridge, coming up behind me, and then, before I knew it, Hakkai was sitting there beside me, not speaking or looking at me, just there, gazing out at the water like I was.

I expected him to say something, eventually, but he never did, so it was up to me to break the silence.

"What do you want?"

"I don't want anything." He said simply.

"Ev'rybody always wants somethin'." I muttered, tossing my half-gone cigarette down into the water.

"And of course, I'm just like everyone else."

"Yeah. Sometimes."

He snorted, "If you must know, I came to make sure you aren't hurt, and I find this ungrateful attitude very distasteful, particularly when it was very difficult to locate you."

"Don't waste your time, 'Kai—you're better off checkin' on master Sanzo."

"I've already attended to Sanzo." He added, "You managed to bruise his face pretty well, but he'll be fine, if not a little angry." As if I cared.

"You angry?"

"No. But I find your behavior very childish."

"Right." I snorted.

"I simply don't understand why just after I explained to you why Sanzo might be on edge you purposely went and got into a fight with him. Especially when you seemed to understand."

"I didn't get into a fight with him on purpose, okay?" I lit another cigarette and inhaled deeply, letting the nicotine soothe my nerves. "I was just talking to him and he freaked out on me."

"Ah, but that doesn't sound quite like Sanzo, does it?"

"No. I guess not." It was sort of weird that he'd lost it so quickly, but I didn't care about the reason behind it, and I didn't want to care. The only problem was that Hakkai was going to think I was lying about what had happened.

_Let him think what he wants._

"I still don't understand how this happened."

I shrugged, "Sanzo and I fight a lot. Can't believe you haven't noticed that yet."

Hakkai sighed a little, "You do snap at each other back and forth quite a bit, I must admit, but your bickering doesn't often turn into full-blown fights."

"What are you really here for?" I gave him a glare, "Trying to figure out who's to blame?"

"I don't want to blame anyone," he returned softly, "but I don't think it's any secret that you and Sanzo have 'teamwork issues'; normally, I wouldn't complain-I can't expect everyone to get along all the time-you and Sanzo just see the world differently. But I think your behavior needs to be seriously reconsidered if it's going to start affecting all of us."

"Does it affect all of us?"

He raised an eyebrow at me, "It hasn't. Up until this point. But…" he lowered his gaze slightly, "Sanzo is very angry."

"Good."

"It's not good, Gojyo." He said sharply. "Goku and I have put up with your arguments in the past, because they've always been relatively mild, and if you don't want to work out your differences no one's making you, but you could at least attempt to be civil to one another. What happened today was not good for the team as a group: it's discouraging to watch two of your teammates try to kill each other, especially when you know that if they continue to be divided it could cost you, or someone else, their life. Furthermore, it forces us to take sides."

"No one's askin' you to take sides." I snorted.

"You don't have to ask. Normally your arguments with Sanzo are so inane there's no need to take a side, but when you were honestly trying to beat each other senseless…well, I think even you can see the difference."

"Fine. Whose side are you on?"

"That's just the problem. I don't want to take a side, and I shouldn't have to. And Goku shouldn't have to either. Whether or not we always feel it, we are in a life and death situation, and it's not good for our team to be divided like that. For instance, let's say Goku takes Sanzo's side, and I feel obligated to take your side, and then the problems between you and Sanzo persist, and you suddenly decide you don't want to travel together anymore. The whole group splits up, one half going west and the other… well… you see my point."

I sighed, "Why are you even talking to me about this, Hakkai? You're always so damn serious."

His eyes narrowed, "I'm simply stating facts, Gojyo. I want to keep our group together—is that so terrible?"

"Naw. I mean, I get that, but think about it, we're already divided like that. Everybody knows Goku would follow Sanzo to the ends of the earth, and if you took off…I'd go with you."

He looked me in the eyes for a while like he was thinking that over. "Yes. Yes I see." He murmured finally.

"Anyway, you shouldn't worry about it so much, Hakkai. The group's not splitting up. It's not a big deal."

"I hope you're right."

"Have I ever steered you wrong before?"

"Actually, now that you mention it—"

"All right, you. Let's just get outta' here. I'm getting hungry." I stood up, dropping my cigarette at the same time and stomping it out, then jumped back down onto the bridge, beginning to walk away, hands in my jacket pockets.

"Let's just hope Sanzo is willing to feed you after all the trouble you caused." Hakkai agreed, coming after me.

"Ha-ha, very funny, Hakkai."

"Perhaps," he said after a moment, "you shouldn't let the things Sanzo says bother you so much."

"What, are you gonna' tell me he doesn't mean it?" I snorted. "Please."

"I don't think it's a matter of not meaning it so much as maybe he simply doesn't know how to interact with you. I know Sanzo's not much for rules himself, but he did grow up in an atmosphere were everyone around him followed rules and never asked questions, and you're a man who's never been hindered by rules aside from your own, personal limitations—a free spirit. Perhaps the reason you can't get along is something fundamental. You sneer at one another's lifestyles because they're complete opposites, something you can't understand, something so different from your own world you simply can't fathom why the other is comfortable with it."

"Hakkai, you're my total opposite, but I don't hate you for it."

He laughed, "Yes, I suppose we are rather different. I simply have a sense of cleanliness."

"If neuroticism is cleanliness then you're right." I muttered, and then considered his theory for another moment, starting another cigarette. "It's a nice theory, Hakkai, but I guess I don't really give a rat's ass."

"Why am I not surprised?"

I smirked, "You just know me too well."

"Oh dear. That doesn't sound good at all."

We bantered a little all the way back to the inn, just me and my best bud, and even picked up a pack of beer to drink along the way, so by the time we got there I was actually in a pretty good mood and the episode with Sanzo seemed like it was behind me.

That changed as soon as we got there.

"Our room is rather cozy." Hakkai said, as he led the way down the hall. It sounded almost like a warning, like I should be prepared for something.

"What, do we have to share a bed or something?" I joked.

He just laughed, "Something like that."

I didn't like the sound of that at all and was about to ask him to clarify, when he opened the door and I saw first hand what he meant.

The room was on the small side, and there was just one bed and a table. A Goku-sized room, except they'd need to put a bigger table in. Goku and Sanzo were there. Goku was on the bed, toying with Jeep, and Sanzo was at the table nursing a beer. I didn't know what they were doing in our room, and I didn't actually care at the moment either.

"Dibs on the bed." I grinned at Hakkai.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Sanzo snorted. I saw what Hakkai meant about me bruising his face up. His right eye was black and his cheek and lips were swollen.

"We'll be playing cards for the bed, as usual." Hakkai explained.

"Hell. What for? Why don't you just take it and spare me the humiliation."

"Oh, now don't be such a pessimist, Gojyo. Some day you might beat me."

"Right. I'll put it on my bucket list."

"That's going to be a short list." Sanzo muttered.

I couldn't quite ignore that one, so I said, "As long as it's longer than yours."

"Hey." Goku whined, "Where the food? I'm hungry."

"Didn't you order dinner while I was gone?" Hakkai looked at Sanzo.

Sanzo nodded, "Of course I did. It'll be here soon."

"Yaaay!" Goku lifted Jeep up into the air, and the dragon chirped along with him. "We get to eat soon!"

I rolled my eyes and went to sit down beside him, as far from Sanzo as I could get, "Great. Let's have a party. We can play pin the tail on the asshole."

"The question is," Sanzo said, "who's the asshole."

"Exactly. The asshole? Or the asshole who got beat up by the asshole?"

"Now, now you two, let's just have a quiet dinner, if that's not too much to ask."

I shrugged, "Fine by me." And lit a cigarette.

Goku went to open the window.

A little after that, room service brought our food up and we spent a while arguing over that, and when the food was all gone, we gathered around the table and played cards for several hours, and when we got sick of losing to Hakkai I went downstairs to ask about a mahjong set and we played that for a while instead. I actually won that a few times.

All night long, Sanzo threw little barbs and subtle insults my way. At first, I just let them slide off and didn't worry about it, but as time wore on I started to get sort of sick of it and started to toss some back. I could see from the look in his eyes that he was angry, but I didn't care, because I was angry too, and he was the one who couldn't seem to let it go.

Hakkai and Goku started being quiet after a while, like the tension in the room made them nervous, and they exchanged glances a lot. Even though Sanzo and I weren't actually arguing, it was pretty obvious that we were angry at each other. Hakkai probably really wanted to reprimand us or some shit, but he couldn't really do anything about it as long as the argument stayed subtle. A few times though, Goku tried to get us to stop. After being ignored over and over though, he lost his temper, and got up, shouting, "Why don't ya' just knock it off already, you guys? What's wrong with ya'?"

I blew smoke up into the air and looked at him calmly, "What are you talking about, Monkey?"

He didn't like that at all, and he stopped playing mahjong with us and went back to the bed to play with Jeep instead until we decided it was time to see who would get the bed.

That was when I realized for the first time that it wasn't just me and Hakkai who had to figure it out.

"Wait, we're all staying in this room?"

"Yes." My best friend answered simply, his tone suggesting that he had no idea there was something wrong with that. He just went on dealing the cards.

"All four of us?"

"Is that a problem?"

"Wait, was there just not another room available, or did some tight ass just decide not to spring for another one?" I shot an insolent glance Sanzo's way.

"This was the only room we could find." Hakkai said simply. "Unfortunately."

"Where're we all gonna' sleep?"

"We'll figure something out, I'm sure."

"Easy for you to say—we already know who's going to win the damn card game!" I didn't mean to yell at him, but all of Sanzo's insults had wiped my good mood clean and taken me back to square one.

"You have just as good a chance of winning a everyone else does." Hakkai objected.

"Right." I snorted, picking up my hand. I had to say, I'm a decent card player-a good card player even-and I'd definitely had better hands. I was stuck with a pair of jacks and a baby straight. Not a bad hand, but against Hakkai I knew I'd have to do better. I gave up the jacks and prayed for the straight.

We played best three out of four, but Hakkai won the first three times so there was no point in going a fourth time. I came out with a full house the second round and had to fold the third, but it didn't really matter. Hakkai got the bed, and the rest of us had to put all our shit on the floor and try to arrange ourselves so that we wouldn't kick each other in our sleep.

Losing seemed to piss Sanzo off, because his insults became weightier and weightier as we got ready to go to bed, and by the time we actually laid down to sleep, I was seriously considering smothering him with my pillow.

I couldn't believe I'd actually been sympathizing with the asshole earlier. What the hell was wrong with me? Sanzo was a douche and he'd always been a douche, and something told me that wasn't going to change. Ever. No matter how many times I tried to be his friend, no matter how often I saved his ass or attempted to be civil to him, we were always going to hate each other. So why was I wasting my time?

This marked the day when I was finished with helping Sanzo do anything. Next time he needed help or had to be bailed out, he'd better hope Goku or Hakkai was around, because I was going to dance on his freakin' grave.


	2. Chapter 2

**Sanzo**

When I woke up the next morning, Goku had spread out in his sleep and was taking up most of my space, and Gojyo's foot was in my face, so naturally, I wasn't in too great a mood to start with. A damn shame too, since sleeping had almost made me forget how angry I was.

But him kicking me in the head while I slept made me remember what a waste of a specimen of life he was, and I was angry all over again.

I shoved his leg away and rolled away from Goku. The monkey just blathered something inane in his sleep, but Gojyo woke up immediately, looking around with that hideous, dazed expression on his face as he sat up.

"The hell?"

Ignoring him, I slid my robe on and grabbed my gun. I was sick of it all. Not just of him, but all of it. The further this journey took me, the more unbearable it all became. At this rate, I was probably going to lose my mind before we could even get to Houtou castle.

"Where you goin'?" Gojyo asked, and I heard his lighter flick on.

"Mind your own business, Kappa."

"Whatever." He flopped back down and stretched out, "I don't give a shit if you never come back."

"Hn. Then maybe I won't."

"Should we just leave if you're not back in two hours?"

I heard the sneer in his voice, but I was past the point of letting any of his idiotic yammering bother me. "Do what you want."

I left the room and shut the door behind me loudly. If it woke the other two up who gave a damn? They could get the hell over it.

Our room was on the third floor of the inn, so I had to take a lot of stairs to get down to the street, but it was worth it since I knew that every step took me further and further from my insufferable companions.

I don't know when I started thinking of them that way-insufferable-but it seemed like it had been the day after leaving the temple in Chang'an. This journey had been going for over a year, much longer than I could tolerate. And it wasn't just Gojyo getting under my skin. Recently, I couldn't handle Goku's incessant whining for food or Hakkai's schoolboy smile with his dagger-sharp remarks. I couldn't stand the bickering or riding in the jeep or putting up with Gojyo's moronic personality. I couldn't handle even one more day of wasting my time with these ingrates. If I heard one more plead for meat, one more sarcastic comment disguised by that nauseating smile, or ever saw another strand of blood-red hair for the rest of my life, I was going to shoot myself.

_Or maybe just the three of them._

I sighed as I started down the street, looking for some form of respite, a place to clear my mind and just think things through.

I knew that I couldn't just leave those three idiots. First of all, they'd come looking for me if I did. Not to mention there was this awful sense of obligation—I had to lead the sped squad into the west come hell or high water, because I'd been ordered to, and because, somewhere in the last year and a half, this mission had become personal.

It probably had to do with Ukoku Sanzo attacking Goku and nearly killing him. Yes. That was it. He'd tried to kill the monkey-or at least pretended to try to kill him-and now this was deeply personal. This quest was about more than stopping some calamity or preventing a revival. It was about us. All four of us.

Still, there were getting to be more and more days where I felt this overwhelming exhaustion, this terrible sense that I was running without stopping to India, with nothing but a trio of absolute morons, knowing that it was more or less up to me to see to it that all of this went according to plan. Maybe that was what Gojyo characterized as me having a pole up my ass: the only problem being that the pissant couldn't possibly understand what this ridiculous mission was like for me. He was just a lackey. Just some muscle I'd been ordered to tote with me just in case. I was the brains of the whole damn thing. The two roles were incredibly different, and as far as difficulty went, mine was infinitely worse.

_So forgive me, Gojyo, if I can't be a sweetheart day in and day out._

I stopped at the end of the road and looked back at the inn.

The town was just waking up, people starting to move around, vendors selling things, people buying their wares, school children running. The inn looked quiet enough. Those three would probably sleep for a few more hours. Really, I felt like I couldn't care less if I never saw any of them ever again, but I knew that I wasn't getting off the hook that easily, so I'd have to be back by the time the sun was fully up to lead them on.

With a distasteful snort, I lit the first cigarette of the day, "What a pain in the ass." Then I walked on.

I didn't have to go very far to realize my search for a peaceful place to meditate wasn't going to be very successful. The more time went on, the more people got up, and the noise level started to bother me. People bartering and greeting each other, kids screaming, dogs barking, hammers and carts and city noises all floating through the air, getting me more and more annoying. It was obvious that if I were going to get a chance to relax, it would have to be outside the town.

So I turned for the outskirts and took the main road into the west, determined to find somewhere I could clear my head without being in danger of my teammates screwing it up for me. I loaded my gun as I went. Just in case.

The town wasn't small, but once I was on the road that led out it went by fairly quickly. Travelers coming in passed me with a tip of their hats or a bow of their heads, but I ignored them. I wanted to get somewhere where there weren't any people at all, smoke a few cigarettes, and just think. It felt like it had been weeks since I'd been able to hear myself think.

After I got out of the town, I started to feel better immediately. The stress ebbed away, the air seemed fresher, the atmosphere quieter, and I could finally take a deep breath of nicotine, close my eyes, and just think.

Now I was surrounded by nothing but wide, green grassland, lush and full, with a small forest about a mile off to the left of me. I heard birdcalls and felt the breeze flowing through my hair and my robes, and for the first time in what felt like forever, I felt calm. Something about it reminded me of Kinzan temple, years ago, before my master died and everything in my life had to change. Koumyou had always liked standing outside and enjoying nature. I'd long since lost any appreciation for it, but it was better than a noisy town or a crowded jeep.

I was so caught up in my memories of Koumyou and Kinzan temple, and the personal journeys I'd experienced, that I really didn't pay much attention to how far I walked, although I did keep an open eye for enemies. Being alone was peaceful, but it was also dangerous.

The sun got higher and higher, and the walk went on longer and longer. I went through cigarette after cigarette, simply enjoying the peace and quiet, and whenever I stopped to think about my traveling companions, back at the inn, likely scrambling to find me by now, I felt disgusted, and only wanted to keep walking.

Unfortunately, I lost track of time and got a little further from the town than I meant to, and by the time I turned around to go back, the town was a distant speck on the horizon. Miles away to say the least.

"Dammit."

I couldn't believe I'd gone that far. I couldn't believe I'd gotten so distracted by thoughts and memories that I'd actually gotten miles from my team, not even realizing it. It was a careless, stupid move, like something Goku or Gojyo would do. Not me.

I was so frustrated with myself that I threw down a cigarette I'd just lit and stomped on it vehemently.

"Goddammit!"

Angrily, I began to trudge the long way back to the town. If Hakkai had any sense, he'd get the other two up and they'd come looking for me, pick me up on the way back, and we'd just keep going.

As it turned out though, the problem wasn't whether Hakkai had enough sense or not, but that I'd been a little more careless than I'd initially realized. I heard a distant laugh, somewhere to the right of me, and when I looked up I knew that coming out this far had been a costly mistake.

Yesterday, on our way into town, we'd had to plow through a pretty large group of youkai. We'd killed a good fifty or so of them, but that had left at least thirty that hadn't wanted to mess with us, for whatever reason.

Now, I guess, they'd seen me wandering around like an idiot, alone, and decided that they could handle just one human priest with a gun. Youkai were coming out of the woods that were up on my right, marching forward like a death army, their teeth gleaming in the sun as they smiled, their eyes bright with hunger. There were about forty of them now, and I saw women with them. In fact, the youkai at the front of the group, the one laughing, was a woman with long, black hair and an odd, purple mark across her nose. She was dressed like a man, and I saw a row of golden earrings gleaming on her right ear.

"Genjyo Sanzo!" She cried, " We meet at last. I've been hearing a lot about you from my kin, priest, and I thought you'd be anything but stupid, and yet, here I find you, wandering alone. Very foolish indeed." She propped one booted foot up on the fence that hedged the side of the road, rested her arm on her knee, and leaned forward, grinning. I saw the pommel of a sword over her right shoulder.

"I don't have time for this." I snorted, eager to disguise the slight wash of fear that was beginning to hammer through me. I let my eyes rove up and down their ranks, looking for any weaklings that I might be able to pick off in a hurry. Of course, since these were the survivors from yesterday, they were likely the strongest of the clan.

"Time has nothing to do with it, Sanzo." the woman said, "Yesterday you killed my husband and brothers, and today you dare to set foot alone into my territory. You've got balls, I'll give you that, human, but they won't save you from my revenge. Even if you dropped the sutra on the ground right now I'd kill you."

"Please." I snorted. "I'm supposed to be afraid of a woman who picked up her husband's sword? Beat it, before I kill you."

Her grin only seemed to expand, and with a fluid push off the fence post she was next to, she hopped the fence and came toward me. "That cocky attitude." She laughed. "There's something about it I like. I'll enjoy eating you, Sanzo—it's rare I get to have such a beautiful meal, seeing how the hunters are males and always bring back young girls. I get so sick of it. But you…" she seemed to purr, "I'll savor your taste for years to come."

"Not if you don't have a tongue." As quickly as I could manage, I pointed my gun at her head and squeezed the trigger, but she was too fast—in fact, she was a lot faster than any assassin I'd run into in a long time. She dodged the bullet easily, and it hit a different youkai. That one at least rolled over and died.

The woman spun around, hair and clothes flying, laughing, "Take the sutra and kill him! But remember, I get the body!"

Immediately, all the youkai standing in the feel rushed at me in waves, handfuls at a time attacking with either their bare claws or weapons. I shot them down as quickly as I could, dodging their onslaught as I struggled to reload. I was lucky to even have extra ammo on me.

A youkai came at me with a large sword, and I had to duck under it, spin to the side immediately as another tried to bludgeon me to death with a club. I shot the one with the club and kicked the sword away from the other one. Another tried to tear into my side, but I avoided that attack too and merely took a rip in my robes.

As I was fighting the youkai in front of me, a few behind me were trying to snatch the sutra off my shoulders, so I had to turn and deal with them, push them back a ways before spinning around again to kill off the others. It was a tiresome, difficult way to fight, and I knew that I was badly outnumbered. I tried not to let that scare me, but when it was roughly forty against one what was the chance of actually coming out alive?

I wouldn't die though. I refused the humiliation of being killed by these youkai before even reaching my destination in India.

I had eight bullets in my gun when the fight started and an extra round in my robes, so that gave me sixteen shots all together; I was skilled enough with my weapon to be able to take out twenty or so with what I had, but once the bullets were gone, the gun was practically useless to me. I started using it to pistol-whip my opponents, but it was hardly worth it, since most of them just got back up again.

Finally, I picked up a machete one of them had dropped and started to fight them hand-to-hand, the blade against their claws. Fortunately my martial arts skills were above average and my technique was well-polished, so I was able to hold my own for a good while, and take out quite a few more, but I was wearing down, and every now and then one would get me in the side or the shoulder, not very deeply, but enough to make me bleed, and after I'd been bleeding for a while I started to feel tired.

Bad news. If I got too tired that would be the end of me.

Best case scenario, if I managed to kill the fifteen or twenty that were left, I'd still have to fight their cocky leader, who was now perched up on the fence, just watching and laughing. From the aura she was giving off, I got the feeling she was a spellcaster of some kind.

I was in the middle of dealing with a particularly darty, small youkai, who had this stupid, perpetual grin on his face the whole time I was fighting him, when I felt deep, shredding pain in my side, and then there was the hot, sticky sensation of blood there and I felt my robes clinging to my body.

Those idiots! One of them had actually clawed me!

I spun around to kill whoever had done it, but the wound slowed me down, and I was left wide open for another blow. This one was a lot deeper. It hit my shoulder and went straight to the bone so that sharp pain shot straight down to my fingertips, and I almost dropped my sword.

They were circling around me now, laughing and gloating over a victory they hadn't won yet. I touched my damaged arm.

Screaming, I ran at the one who'd gotten my side, intending to bring the machete down on his neck. He stepped to the side and I tripped, wound up on the ground, face down.

Not a good place to be.

Wildly, I tried to jump back up, but was kicked down, stared up at them as they moved in for the kill. But there was no way I was going to die that easily.

I lopped off the hand of one that got too close, and she backed off screaming, giving me an opening to get to my feet. I looked desperately for an opening, or for some sign that my good-for-nothing teammates were on their way.

Those morons. This was all their fault.

The fight raged on, but I was definitely slowing down. I was clawed twice more, once in the stomach, and once down the forearm to my palm. The scratch there was shallow, but it bled a lot. The wound in my stomach was what really bothered me. It felt like I had ice in my gut.

Worse still, I only managed to kill one more before I couldn't fight any more.

I fell to my knees in the center of their group, frantically thinking of some way to get out of this mess.

"Now, Genjyo Sanzo," their leader was coming forward, stepping through their ranks unhindered, a bitchy smile on her bitchy face, "you're going to pay for what you did to my husband and brothers." She raised one hand. I saw the claws gleaming.

"Beg for mercy."

I spat.

That only seemed to amuse her, and I could see the felling blow in her eyes.

I wasn't going down without a fight.

She swung and I jumped up again. Her blow clipped my face, but I ignored the new gush of hot blood and hit her square in the chest with my shoulder, knocking her back. We struggled against each other for a second, but I managed to get the upper hand and pressed the blade to her throat.

"You beg." I hissed.

"Sanzo!"

That familiar voice calling me out of nowhere was just enough to distract me and give her a chance to throw me off. I went flying, heels over head, crashing into the fence and lying there, more or less upside down, astounded to see that idiot Gojyo of all people charge in like the cavalry.

He already had his shakujou out and set immediately to slicing off limbs and heads. That method of fighting had always disgusted me a little.

At any rate, the youkai were just as surprised as I was to see him, and I had an opportunity to get up and keep fighting, energy renewed now that I knew I was probably going to get out alive. The two of us together would be more than enough to finish the rest off.

Gojyo and I wound up in the middle of their circle, back to back regardless of our distaste for one another.

I cut down into a youkai, slicing him apart from shoulder to side, getting blood on my robes as a reward.

"What the hell are you doing here, Gojyo?"

"I don't hafta' explain shit to you, Sanzo."

He swung that stupid thing and the damn chain whirled around our heads so I thought I'd get mine chopped off as I sprang forward to deal with a few more of the filthy bastards. I heard their leader screaming in the background.

"Kill them both!"

We fought that way for a while, thinning them out steadily, and with Gojyo behind me, I was able to avoid being injured any further, in spite of my already existing wounds.

"You ain't looking so good there, Sanzo-chan." Gojyo grinned at me. Something about that smile had always made me think of a wolf's face. Half-human or not, those red eyes made him look twice as feral as either Hakkai or Goku—when they had their limiters on at least.

"Shut up, asshole." I took the anger I felt toward him and put it to good use, killing two more youkai with the sword I still had.

In a matter of minutes, there were just a handful of youkai left, and they were starting to back away.

One had the audacity to try to take the sutra from behind when Gojyo wasn't guarding my back as carefully as he should have been. I was distantly aware of the movement, but there was no way I had time to move. We'd just have to get the sutra back if it was taken.

Gojyo stepped between us and the youkai's claws shredded his arm from wrist to elbow.

He screamed.

"Goddammit!" I spun around, swinging the machete over Gojyo's head and decapitating the youkai.

That meant there were four left, including their bitchy leader. None of them were moving.

Gojyo was kneeling on the ground, cradling his damaged arm. I had to admit, it looked pretty bad, and the blood was flowing heavily.

I shoved aside the natural concern and focused on the youkai that were left, making eye-contact with the leader, whose disgusting smile had finally faded, much to my satisfaction. "Well? Bring it."

She snapped her fingers and pointed at us, and simultaneously the three remaining warriors started to march forward.

"Quite the little army you have there." I sneered, but I didn't feel confident. If Gojyo was down for the count I wasn't sure I could kill all four of them and protect him. As usual, he was a bigger pain in the ass than he was a help.

"What are you waiting for?" The leader demanded, "Kill them."

Immediately, the youkai's humble march turned into a sudden spring, and they came at us, claws and weapons poised to kill. Even if I took out two I wasn't sure I could get the third. The machete simply wasn't long enough, and I was out of ideas. But I refused to believe this was the end of my life.

Gojyo lifted his head, "Fucking bitches!" With a flashy swing of his arm, the crescent shaped blade of his shakujou was soaring through the air. His aim, I had to admit, was perfect-I couldn't imagine how he controlled that thing-and it sliced through all three of them consecutively, as easily as going through butter. Arms, heads and legs went flying, their screams of agony turning to gurgling, sputtering noises of gore.

The leader watched emotionlessly as her men were turned into bloody heaps.

All three of us were quiet. I heard myself breathing hard, Gojyo didn't seem to be breathing at all, and on the other side of the road, the youkai just looked at us like she was some kind of wild animal who'd chanced across civil beings. Something in her eyes was so wild and so cold I actually felt a shiver beginning to creep up my spine.

"Well," she said, her voice silent as falling ash, "it looks like a stalemate."

"Stalemate my ass." Gojyo scoffed, "There're two of us and one of you. How's that a stalemate?"

Ignoring him, she began to back away. She must have known that there was no way either of us were in any shape to chase her. Did that mean she was afraid of us? Probably not.

The smile came back to her lips as she swung her self again over the fence and gave a theatrical bow, which made her hair fly, "Genjyo Sanzo—my name is Jade Asahara, and I swear on the graves of my clan that I am going to kill you if it takes the rest of my life. You have my word, and the word the Asahara never dies."

"What an honor." I sneered.

She pointed a finger at me, her tongue touching her upper lip, "You hang tight to that pert attitude, Priest. It may be the only thing that keeps me from feasting on your blood." With that, she turned and ran, her hair flowing behind her like a midnight cape, and disappeared into the trees.

"Bitch." Gojyo muttered.

As I watched her go, I had the strange feeling she wasn't lying—I'd definitely be seeing her again

"What a pain in the ass."

Gojyo started to get up, still holding his shredded arm tightly, blood dripping on the ground. "Hey, at least she's hot. It's been a long time since I saw a youkai worth looking at.

I was too disgusted to favor his idiotic comment with a response, so I began to hunt for my gun instead, kicking severed limbs aside and nudging bodies with the toe of my boot.

He watched me for a second, quietly, then started a cigarette, "What the hell are you doing out here anyway, Sanzo?"

Of course I wasn't going to tell him that I'd just sort of wandered out here without realizing it. "Mind your own business."

"I just got all the skin ripped off my arm for your sake—I think it is my business, Sanzo."

"That was your own fault. I don't see what it has to do with me."

"Hey! I saved your ass!"

"Tch. I almost had that bitch when you showed up. If anything, you got in the way."

"You're telling me you had it under control? Look at you—you were almost lunch, Sanzo!"

"I don't remember asking for your help, Kappa! And if I remember correctly, you said yourself that if I were ever dying in front of you you'd just laugh in my face!"

He didn't have an answer to that, and I should have felt satisfied for shutting him up, but for some reason I just felt all the angrier.

Nearby I spotted my gun, half-hidden under the corpse of a female youkai, but when I bent to pick it up pain shot out from the wound in my stomach, making me dizzy, and my vision nearly blacked out. I fell to my knees, absolutely mortified to be showing weakness in front of Gojyo. "Dammit." I gripped my gun feebly.

He came up behind me, "Sanzo? You okay, man?"

"As if you give a damn."

"Hell. I don't give a shit. I just wanna' get back to the inn so we can get out of here." He stood over me a second, puffing on his cigarette.

I sat on my knees, trying to get my head together and cursing him mentally.

At last, he held out his undamaged hand, "C'mon, let's go."

I glared up at him, disgusted to see that he actually expected me to take his hand. That stupid look on his face was so trusting and nonchalant. It was so idiotic.

With a snort, I forced myself to stand up, staggering and nearly falling again.

"Hey." He put a hand on my shoulder to steady me.

I shoved him off.

"Man, what the fuck is your problem? I'm just trying to help you!"

"Stay out of my way."

"You're lucky I showed up here on time to save your no-good ass!"

"And you're lucky I don't have any more bullets, or you'd be pissing lead right now."

"Fine. You know what, asshole? Sorry I bothered. You can just get bent for all I care." He started to walk away, blood running off his fingers and leaving a faint trail on the ground.

The last thing I wanted was to walk back with him, but I couldn't go anywhere else, and standing there in the middle of the road would be stupid, even if I weren't injured, so, begrudgingly, I followed after him.

For a few minutes we walked in silence, but Gojyo seemed to forget quickly that he was angry at me, and he broke it after a little bit of time had gone by.

"So how far did you think you were going to get without us?"

I sighed, really not wanting to talk to him, "What makes you think I was leaving?"

"It could have something to do with the fact that you walked five miles west all by yourself."

"With all the noise you three misfits make can you really blame me for wanting to get away from you?" I didn't bother telling him I hadn't been meaning to leave. If he was dumb enough to believe it might as well let him.

"Believe me, we misfits don't like traveling with you either."

"Feel free to leave whenever you want."

"Right." He scoffed, "Y'know, Sanzo, you are so full of shit. You wouldn't last an hour without us, and what happened today just proves it."

"You're delusional. Imagining that you're important in some way. It's really pathetic."

His words had a biting quality as he retorted, "Face it, Sanzo, you need us. You wouldn't dream of just wandering away because you know your ass would be dinner that same night if Goku wasn't there to keep the monsters away."

I couldn't handle it. I'd come all the way out here specifically to get away from him, and now, here he was, almost as if he knew my intentions and was determined to ruin everything. I simply couldn't put up with him anymore. I took a swing at him.

Gojyo's good hand was holding his cigarette, so he had to use his torn up arm to block me. He grabbed my wrist and twisted it away. If I hadn't been dizzy I would have knocked him on his ass.

"You seriously want to start that again?" he demanded, wincing a little. "Man, you're really asking for it."

"_I'm_ asking for it?"

We glared at each other for a second, and then, at almost the exact same time, we both realized that our damaged arms were touching and our blood was mixing. Simultaneously, we stepped away from each other, and I instinctively dusted my robes off, gave him a demeaning glance, "Keep your distance, you damn kappa."

"Whatever you say, Master Sanzo." He snorted, and began to walk again.

For a while, we were quiet. At first, I was just ignoring him, but after we'd been going a little ways, I started to feel a little dizzy again, and I didn't want to argue anymore. A headache was spreading from between my eyes out to my ears, and my steps seemed unsteady. I didn't want to look any more pathetic, so I forced myself to walk normally and tried to seem like nothing was wrong, when in actuality, the headache was getting progressively worse, but I kept going without showing any sign of discomfort. In fact, I picked up the pace just a little, eager to get back to the inn. I'd probably feel better once I could sit down.

Of course, I could have just mandated a break and gone to sit on the side of the road, but that would suggest to Gojyo that something was wrong, and I couldn't afford to show anymore weakness in front of him.

He didn't seem to be doing too great himself, and when I glanced at him, he had a pained look on his face and was dragging his feet a little.

I glared at him, daring to hope that he might make the call for a break on his own.

He just glanced at me, and shrugged, fumbling for a cigarette, even though the one in his mouth was only half smoked. "What is it now?"

"Hurry it up. We don't have all morning."

"Maybe you shoulda' thought about that before you came out here." He held his arm and winced. "Damn this walk sucks."

"We don't have time to stop." I said half-heartedly.

"'M not stopping. My arm's just bothering me a little."

"Hn. You're so damn useless."

"Are you sure _you _don't need to stop, Lord Sanzo? You're looking a little pale there."

"No. Let's keep going."

"Right, right." He laughed.

By the time we got back to the inn it looked like it was about ten o'clock and the wounds the youkai troop had given me were aching. I was staggering slightly, but Gojyo didn't seem to notice. He hadn't spoken at all in about forty minutes, and he seemed like he was off in his own little world.

Hakkai met us outside the inn, looking visibly relieved, "Oh, there you two are! We've been looking all over for you." He looked us over, obviously noticing our wounds, "Don't tell me you were out fighting again."

I was too annoyed and dizzy to answer his idiotic assumption—I just wanted to go back inside and go to bed.

Gojyo spoke up instead, "Naw…just had ta' save Lord Sanzo from a little batch of youkai, that's all."

"Keep tellin' yourself that." I muttered, heading toward the jeep.

Hakkai watched me a moment, "In that case, shall I close your wounds and we'll be on our way."

I tried to act indifferent, but I was suddenly relieved that Hakkai had that healing power. He'd close the wounds and the dizzy, sick feeling would go away.

"Hey, Hakkai!" Goku came around the corner, "I looked ev'rywhere but—" He stopped when he saw Gojyo and I, then grinned that impossibly huge, monkey smile and ran over to me, "There ya' are! Geez, what happened ta' ya'? When we woke up an' both of ya' were gone we thought that ya' went out ta' kill each other or somethin'."

At last I snapped, "Don't either of you have a brain?"

Goku came up to me, looking at my wounds with wide eyes, "How'd ya' get hurt? Did ya' get in another fight?"

"Sanzo almost got his ass kicked by some youkai." Gojyo grinned, "But I saved him." Hakkai was already in the middle of healing his arm.

"What? Ya' saved him? Gime' a break, Gojyo."

"It's the truth!"

"Whatever. Stupid Kappa."

Gojyo snorted. Maybe he wasn't in the mood to argue with Goku.

"So Sanzo, what were ya' wanderin' around for?"

Hakkai finished with Gojyo and came over to me. For some reason his hands felt cold, even when the power of his chi was flowing through his palms and into my body. I couldn't quite contain a shiver.

"I wasn't wandering, I was just scouting ahead."

"Scoutin' ahead?"

"Oh my, that doesn't sound very much like you, Sanzo."

"It's none of your business what I do, all right? Why don't you all just shut up and get in so we can move out?"

"Very well then." Hakkai smiled. "Hopefully whatever happened out there won't try to follow us?"

I knew Hakkai was just making jokes at my expense again, but his words make me nervous, and I couldn't help looking around, remembering what that bitch youkai had said. It wasn't that I was afraid of her, but I definitely had enough going on without having to worry about some crazy she-demon with a vendetta.

It didn't take long for Hakkai to heal me, and then we were on our way again, just another typical morning with the idiot brigade. Within a few minutes, we were driving past the place where we'd fought the youkai, all the corpses still scattered everywhere, birds beginning to flock to the scene, ready to gorge on blood and guts.

Goku leaned out of the jeep to get a better look, "Wow. There're kinda' a lot, huh? Hey, who's that?"

I glanced in the rearview mirror to see what he was pointing at, and then looked in that direction.

Up at the tree line, standing perfectly still, watching us go by, was a youkai woman with long, black hair that blew in the wind.

Jade Asahara.

Yes. I definitely hadn't seen the last of her.

"Damn."


	3. Chapter 3

Hakkai

The day was already beginning strangely, as far as I was concerned—it had been rather disconcerting to wake up and find both Sanzo and Gojyo missing, particularly when they had been so angry the day before, and one could hardly blame me for worrying that perhaps they were off fighting again. I should have been relieved when they returned in one piece. Instead, I had this unexplainable sense of dread building in my stomach, and I wasn't quite sure what to attribute it to.

Our journey was relatively mundane that day. No youkai to fight. No villages to pass. It was just miles and miles of open space around us. We appeared to be in a grassland of some kind, and on all sides of us was nothing but stretching expanses of lush, green grass, blowing in the wind, bright, fluffy clouds sailing across an ocean of blue sky. It was relaxing and peaceful. Or it should have been. Would have been. Had it not been for Sanzo and Gojyo's constant bickering.

That in itself was abnormal. For whatever reason, they couldn't seem to leave one another alone, and whenever one made the mistake of speaking, the other was quick to either scorn him, or to refute what he'd said. All the while, Goku sat in the back, quietly, looking around nervously. Their arguing became so intense, he scarcely had room to whine for food. It was bizarre to say the least, and I found it unnerving.

Perhaps that was the source of my worry, and yet I wasn't sure. I should have felt fine about the day—arguments aside, everything seemed to be going well, and we were making good time. Yet I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong, or that there was some sort of impending doom hovering over us. It crossed my mind that perhaps it was simply because Sanzo and Gojyo had fought that group of youkai this morning, but that simply didn't make sense. After all, if they had wiped out the clan who was left to worry about?

The dark figure we'd seen on the hillside came to mind. Yes, that had to be it. It was clear that whoever it was, she was a woman, with long, raven hair, and even though I couldn't make out any other details concerning her, I got a terrible, twisted feeling in my gut when I looked at her, and my old wound started to ache a bit.

It was the ache in my wound that distressed me the most. For the most part, the wound no longer bothered me, unless the weather was a certain way. It wasn't as if I'd forgotten it was there, but at least it wasn't inhibiting my lifestyle physically. So for it to start acting up at the sight of a stranger put me on alert for danger. Who was this woman? Did she have something to do with the youkai clan Sanzo and Gojyo had destroyed? There had been a few women yesterday when we'd fought the youkai, but I hadn't seen anyone who matched what I'd seen on the hill—that figure was too powerful and too haunting.

For the rest of the day, I felt as if we were being followed. Even hunted perhaps, as if some dark force were following us down the road, but whenever I looked over my shoulder, it was just a stretching, brown ribbon behind us, and I saw no sign of danger. Similarly, the environment around us was not exactly an ideal location for hiding. There was literally no place for an enemy to conceal themselves, assuming it was an enemy following us.

I wanted to assume it was my imagination and that I was letting my worry consume me, but even then the uneasy feeling wouldn't go away. It was as if my very instincts were alive inside me, crying out a warning.

If any of my comrades noticed it or were sharing the same uneasiness, they didn't show it. Mostly Sanzo was busy arguing with Gojyo, and Goku was sitting staring out at the scenery. No one mentioned feeling uneasy in the least.

So I did my best not to worry over it.

A bit past noon, Goku began to complain about being hungry, and his demands were so insistent that even Sanzo and Gojyo had to be quiet a while. It was strange that his complaints were so fierce today, but I thought it was likely because he was tired of the arguing.

In truth, I was too. Gojyo and Sanzo had never gotten along perfectly, but in the past they'd always done a good job of leaving one another alone. Both of them knew they were bound to rub each other the wrong way, and it seemed that was enough to keep them apart. Usually. Today that restraint seemed to have been completely thrown out the window.

When we pulled over to eat beneath the shelter of a huge tree that was growing on the side of the road, I approached Sanzo to discuss the situation.

He was sitting off to the side, brooding and smoking while Goku and Gojyo fought over the food as usual.

"Sanzo, might I have a word with you?"

When he lifted his eyes I could see that he was angry. "Well, what is it?"

"I was wondering if something might be…wrong."

That only seemed to irritate him. "What are you talking about?"

"You and Gojyo have been fighting an awful lot today, and after what happened yesterday and this morning, I just thought maybe something happened."

"No. Nothing happened. Just those stupid youkai."

"In that case, what is going on between you two?"

"Nothing's going on. We always fight this way."

Even he had to know what nonsense that was. He had to be saying it just to downplay my concern. That only succeeded in angering me. "You know very well that that's not true, Sanzo. You and Gojyo have never fought this persistently before, nor this angrily. It's just not natural for you two to be fighting this way: it's usually the two of them."

"Please. I don't see what the problem is, Hakkai. You're always worrying about something—it's really annoying." He tossed his cigarette down and walked away.

With a sigh, I ground the butt out myself and went to join the others.

All day it remained that way. Sanzo and Gojyo fought while Goku and I listened. It seemed to me that they were arguing over the most inane things, and I began to think that the fighting was simply a result of their being annoyed with each other. Perhaps all the tension from yesterday's fight wasn't gone yet and they simply didn't want to be anywhere near one another. If that were true though, I wondered what had made Gojyo follow Sanzo out into the wilderness in the first place. If they were so angry at one another, and so sick of being together, why had they fought side by side as if nothing were wrong?

My wound continued to ache throughout the remainder of the day as well. Not very badly, but a dull throb that became more and more frustrating as the hours passed. What in the world was making it act up like this? I did my best to hide it from the others, but by the time the sun was setting, I felt agitated, confused and unusually tired.

In fact, by sundown, I was so tired of driving I simply couldn't go any further.

With a sigh, I pulled off to the side of the road. We were in a rather open area and I didn't see so much as a tree nearby that could be used for shelter, but the sky was clear and the air was warm so I doubted we would really need any. There was a small stream nearby that would do well enough for a water source. "I suppose this isn't an ideal place for camping, but we could drive for hours and not find anywhere better, so it will just have to do. Goku, will you please try to find something we can start a fire with."

"Awww! But Hakkai, I'm hungry!"

"I understand, but please keep in mind that it will be difficult to prepare any food without a fire."

He sighed, "Alright. I'll look around I guess. Gojyo, help me."

Gojyo sighed, getting out of the car and stretching his arms, "Why me?"

"I can't find firewood all by myself!"

"Ok, ok, monkey. Don't flip a bitch."

"Perhaps it will do you some good to be away from Sanzo for a while as well." I added, unable to help sounding a little irritated. "I could certainly use a break from your two's incessant fighting."

"Yeah, yeah, okay, Hakkai. I'm goin'. Don't you see me goin'?"

I watched after them a moment as they disappeared into the darkness, and then turned to Sanzo, even though I didn't really feel like speaking to him either.

"Well, Sanzo, we didn't get as far as we would have liked to today, but it can't really be helped after the late start we got. I'm sure tomorrow we'll make more progress. Maybe you'll both be in a better mood by then."

"Feh. I'm not in a bad mood. He's the one with the problem."

I didn't bother arguing with him. I just wanted to go to bed now and forget that this day had even existed. Between the pain my wound was causing and the frustration of having to listen to Sanzo and Gojyo, it had been an extremely trying day.

Gojyo and Goku came back with a little firewood, but it was nowhere near as much as we would need. It appeared that they'd gotten distracted at some point—bickering no doubt—and forgotten to finish collecting the wood. That only succeeded in annoying me more. Well that was fine. I'd make a fire with what little I had and if it went out in the middle of the night, so be it. The weather was relatively warm already, so it might not even matter.

Sanzo laid down and went to sleep almost immediately, and Gojyo and Goku stayed up a while playing games and teasing each other until Goku got tired as well and more or less passed out beside the fire. Then Gojyo took his jacket off. I watched him roll it up to make a pillow and with a cheeky 'Night 'Kai' stretched out too.

"What's going on?" I asked quietly. Perhaps if Sanzo was unwilling to tell me anything, Gojyo might. He was surprisingly more prone to honesty than Sanzo was.

"Goin' to bed. What's it look like?"

"I meant with you and Sanzo? You fought all day—I found that very unusual, especially since it's normally you and Goku who do most of the fighting."

"We weren't really fighting." He said after an exasperating pause. "Just arguin'."

"That's what I mean. You two have always done a good enough job of staying out of each other's hair to keep from arguing, but today…" I shook my head, "We couldn't even have a moment of respite. I have to say, it was rather disheartening. Especially after what happened in the market yesterday. I mean," I lowered my voice, wondering if the others might still be awake, "Did you completely forget everything I told you yesterday?"

"Naw. I just…" He seemed to be on the verge of telling me something, but then changed his mind, "I dunno', I was just annoyed with him all day. That guy can be such a jerk."

I thought on that a bit. Sanzo was a difficult person to get along with and I knew it. Although I rarely had problems with him myself, I knew that he and Gojyo had trouble seeing things the same way. Furthermore, Sanzo was easily angered, and there were a lot of times when Gojyo simply being himself rubbed Sanzo the wrong way. "Still, I've never seen the two of you go at it so fiercely. It just made me wonder if there's something going on."

"Nothing's going on. He pissed me off, that's all. I don't know." Gojyo sat up with a sigh and lit a cigarette, "We've been on this stupid trip for so long—sometimes I feel like I can't stand to be around Sanzo anymore. Every day, day in and day out, he's there, and he's always so pissed off about something. Sometimes I think this fucking quest could actually be fun, if he weren't with us."

"Fun?" I snorted. "My friend, you have a very skewed perception of what's fun."

Gojyo grinned, "Maybe. Either way, sometimes I just wanna' get the hell away from that guy. He's such a pain in the ass. Sometimes I start thinkin' about life—we're not getting any younger on this road y'know—and I start thinkin' about all the other shit I could be doing. Parties, drinkin', chicks…and instead I have to be here with that uptight monk, doin' whatever he says."

I noticed Goku stirring in his sleep, kept my focus on Gojyo. "When was the last time you did anything Sanzo said?"

"You know what I mean." He drew on the cigarette and tilted his head back, looking up at the moon. Tonight it was as round as the sun, and almost as bright. For a long time Gojyo was quiet, then he mumbled, "Sometimes I just wanna' leave and go back to doin' what I did before… I wish I didn't know anything about Gyumaoh or Kougaiji or…fuck. Any of it. Life was good before, wasn't it?"

"As I remember, you were complaining pretty regularly of boredom before we began this journey."

Gojyo was silent again, but he didn't look at me. "Yeah." He said finally. "I guess so. Never mind, Hakkai, you're worried about nothing. Today just sucked, that's all. Tomorrow will be better."

I wondered if he was right. It was strange living this way, day to day like this. At times, we could go for weeks on end without incident, and then there would come days when it seemed that we were facing hell itself, enemies so powerful that it sent us all to the brink of death, testing our camaraderie. Come to think of it, everything had been relatively peaceful lately. Maybe we were overdue for something cataclysmic.

He laid back again. "Good night, Hakkai."

"Good night, Gojyo."

Hours passed and I couldn't sleep. It was a strange night, full of odd thoughts and fearful memories. My old wound continued to ache, and my mind wandered between what Gojyo had said and things that had happened in my old life as Cho Gonou. Perhaps it was simply the full moon, but I felt restless and anxious. My blood was rushing hot, and I could feel my youkai instincts sweltering deep inside me, longing for a fight. After I'd sworn to live a life of peace, here I was, on this journey with these other men who were just as jaded and ill-fated as myself, killing whomever crossed my path.

Sadly, I looked down at my hands. Where was the peaceful life I had longed for? Had I truly forfeited it the day Kanan had died?

At times, I had to admit, I felt the way Gojyo did. I couldn't help thinking of our house, so far away now, and the simple life we'd had there. I couldn't help feeling that I wanted to go back there, find a job, perhaps as a teacher, and never bloody my hands with another man's life for as long as I lived. It had crossed my mind before to leave my friends, abandon this quest, and simply go out and find the solitude and clarity that I so desperately longed for.

And at the same time, it would be impossible for me to do that. As I was, I was unfit to live a clean, serene life—I was Cho Hakkai, the Demon Slayer, a youkai myself in body and blood, and I owed my loyalty to Sanzo and Gojyo and Goku. Perhaps at the end of our journey I could at last find tranquility, but not before then.

As for my friend, I was certain his occasional thoughts of leaving us were something he only considered in passing. Almost certain at least. Gojyo had left us before, and I knew, as we all knew, that our ties as a group were terribly thin. Each of us had our own limit, our things we would leave for, things that mattered to us more than anything else. Yet, I couldn't help thinking that all of those things were right here, surrounding us now. It was only when the ugly faces of our pasts showed themselves that we could be separated. It was as if some unnatural bond held us all together.

I looked over at Gojyo. Would he leave? Was he truly so frustrated that he no longer felt like going west with us? I knew that he was a man driven and controlled by his emotions and his sense of freedom, a man who had to do whatever he wanted, with nothing to stand in the way. Perhaps he really was tired of this journey, and perhaps the morning would find him gone.

I didn't want to think of it, so I tried to get some sleep.

No sooner had I closed my eyes, I thought I heard something behind me—like someone walking nearer and breathing softly. I turned over to look, but there was nothing but darkness.

Still, for a while, I sat up, eyes searching for danger.

To the left of me, I thought I saw a shadow move.

An animal? Or an enemy? More assassins maybe?

"Hello?" I got up.

Perhaps it was simply my imagination.

Another sound. This time I was certain I heard footsteps, and still there was no sign of anyone.

For a moment, I stayed perfectly still, breathing quietly, watching and listening for any glimpse of a stalker, the wind blowing through my hair. Something rustled off to my right. "Who's there?"

A tall woman stepped out of the shadows, green eyes seeming to glow, long, black hair waving in the breeze. She had a nasty smile on her face and her voice was soft and whispery as the night wind,

There was something else about her too—something about her youkai energy that made my entire body tingle with uncertainty. She was drenched in a sense of malice and vengeance.

"Who are you?" I stood my ground, readying myself for a fight if need be, and sensing for any other youkai. She seemed to have masked her presence from me, so there was no way for me to tell if she had others with her.

I glanced over my shoulder at my companions. They were all still sleeping peacefully, and I couldn't think of any reason to wake them if I didn't need to. As long as this woman was alone, I was confident I wouldn't need help.

"Don't you worry yourself about that: I'm not here for you."

She turned her back to me and headed right for Sanzo.

"Hey." I leapt after her. Normally, I disliked fighting women, but I got such a chilling feeling from this one that I didn't know if I could contain myself.

I was just a few feet from her, and then it was as if I'd run into a brick wall—I stumbled back, holding my nose to make sure it wasn't bleeding, "What in the-"

She looked over her shoulder at me, smiling slyly, eyes on fire, "I suggest you stay back. I'm far too powerful for you." Then she reached out, like she was going to grab Sanzo by the throat.

Not hesitating to consider her warning, I heaved a chi beam at her: from such close range, it would do a lot of damage. It might even kill her.

At the last second, she sprang away, twisting around in the air, hair like a black halo around her head. She landed right in front of me, inches from my face, still grinning, and hissed, "I was going to spare you and your other two friends, but if you insist on fighting me, be warned, I won't back down."

Snarling, she struck at me with glistening claws, attempting to tear into my chest, but I managed to block. Still, the force of her attack was strong enough that I felt my arm bruise. And she came at me again, swinging blow after blow, moving so quickly that it was a strain for me to dodge and stop her attacks. As we fought, I tried to back away in hopes of leading her further from Sanzo. Hopefully my teammates would awake from the noise. All together we should have no trouble dispatching her. Probably.

I wasn't doing terrible on my own. I managed to clip her in the chin and got a shot in on her stomach, but all too often, I felt her claws whistling close to my face, or felt them slash through my clothing, and her speed and strength were far superior to any youkai I'd ever fought in my life. Something about it made me think of the night I'd fought the Seiten Taisei. This woman, whoever she was, had the same kind of monstrous power. Definitely not in as large an amount as Goku had, but it was the same feeling—the same merciless, cruel sensation that I could never escape.

I felt her claws slice my arm and I stumbled back, touching it and feeling hot blood. She kept coming forward, kicking at me with her heavy boots and getting me once in the forehead.

Vision blacking out for just a second, I staggered backward, trying to get my senses together. When I could see again, she had an aura of bright purple balanced on her right forefinger. It was only the size of a melon, but the way it crackled and glowed told me that it was an intense blast. The smile on her lips made my stomach flip.

Chi. I'd come across very few youkai who could use chi the way I could.

Laughing quietly, she released it, and it came at me. Fast.

I yelled and put my hands out in front of myself, struggling to put up a barrier before the ball of purple light struck me. I managed to do it just in time, but the power of her chi reacting with mine set off a sudden explosion, and I was blow backward anyway, thrown a few yards.

The wind was knocked out of me I landed so hard, and my head struck a rock, and for a second or two, I was utterly dazed, unable to move, head rolling back and forth. I heard her approaching, vaguely made out the shape of her shadow.

_ Hakkai…get up…this is no time to…_

Cold fingers fisted in my shirtfront, lifting my shoulders up off the ground.

I growled out of pure reaction, youkai instincts fighting to surface, as they so often did when I found myself in a difficult fight. I lashed out at her with an open hand, forgetting for a second that I didn't have claws. I felt completely feral—cornered like an animal, trying to fight even when it was futile.

Her face hovered close to mine, bright eyes closed with cruelty, smile gashing her face. I saw that her tongue was hanging out. She leaned down closer, that black mouth opening up and revealing milk-white teeth as she closed in for the kill.

It struck me suddenly. She thought I was a human. But that meant she wasn't an assassin, because then she'd know I was a youkai. Who in the world was she? Could she really be just a random youkai who had nothing to do with the revival?

Not that it mattered. Unless I was able to make my limbs move again, she was going to tear into me, and I couldn't count on the others to wake up in time, let alone to realize what was happening and get here on time.

Suddenly, she stopped, gasping slightly, "You…"

I stared coldly into her beautiful face. Something about those green eyes made me think of Kanan.

"You're a youkai." The smile deepened. "Aren't you?"

"Are you going to kill me?" I demanded coarsely. "I don't recommend leaving me alive."

"Kill you?" Her features were thoughtful now, a bit softer, like she was thinking, and the smile had faded. It came back instants later, "No. I don't think I'll kill you. There's much use for a youkai as powerful as you are."

She leaned forward again, and I was still immobilized. There must have been something about her attack that made it impossible to move. Try as I might, I couldn't lift so much as a finger.

_ The others. Where are they?_

Her lips brushed softly against mine, a smooth, gentle movement.

I gasped. It was the last thing I'd been expecting. I tried to tilt my head away, but it was no use. She was insistent.

Her tongue snaked across my lips, sliding into my mouth and infiltrating every corner, gliding over every surface, and I had to just lie there, helpless in her arms.

Slowly, she pulled away, leaving me more dazed than ever, and her fingers touched my left ear, long fingernails tapping against my power limiter. I felt her snap one off.

"What are you doing?" I demanded, making another feeble attempt to push her away.

"I want to see what you look like—your true form."

"Get off of me!" I shouted, beginning to panic. If she took my limiters off I wasn't sure what I'd do. Hopefully it wouldn't matter. Hopefully it would simply grant me the power I needed to finish her off. But I was afraid that if I got caught up in a fight, even against another youkai, I might not be able to control myself. I might go berserk.

She snapped off the second one and toyed with the third. "The humans have enslaved you. Don't you want to be free?"

"Don't." I ordered, but I felt too weak to make any real threats.

Her lips were against mine again. Something about them was sweet, but dangerous, like poison. I could feel myself giving in. Something about the kisses aroused the youkai in me, dragging it to the surface, making me want to remove the last limiter myself, to be really free, as a demon.

She began to remove the last cuff.

"Hakkai!" It was Goku's voice.

_ Thank God._

It startled her and she turned away to look.

He was staring, like he couldn't figure out what he was seeing. Gojyo and Sanzo were right behind him, eyes huge. "What the-"

It gave me just enough time to get my senses together, and with all my might, I looked for the strength inside myself, harnessed it, using it to kick her off.

She cried out in surprise, and I lurched to my feet, breathing a little hard, ready to kill. Kill. Kill.

"Hakkai?" Goku asked softly, "Who th' heck is this?"

"I'll explain after we've killed her." My voice…so dark. Much darker than normal.

"Hakkai?"

The woman stared at me for a moment, then flashed that smile again, "You kill me? I find that unlikely."

"It's entirely possible." I returned, finding that I too was smiling, though I wasn't sure why.

Sanzo stepped forward, aiming his gun, "If he doesn't, I will."

She laughed, a sound strangely similar to broken glass, "As much as I'd love to continue with this charming interlude, that seems impossible as long as your friends are present. But don't worry." She backed away several steps, "As long as Genjyo Sanzo lives, you'll never see the last of me. And now," her eyes glittered, "I may have other motives for seeing you again, my pretty boy."

Furiously, I leapt at her, chi burning on my fist, fully intending to tear her apart.

Seconds from impact, she vanished in a flash of purple smoke. It was thick and smelled like magic. I choked on it.

"She vanished." Goku looked around a second, and then suddenly pointed up at the sky, "Guys, look!"

I craned my head up, following his gaze.

Far off in the distance, overlapping the moon, I could make out the silhouette of a woman with long hair, simply hovering in the sky. And then, a second later, she was gone.

As soon as she was out of sight, I fell to my knees, shaking as I fumbled for my limiter cuffs and trying to make sense of what had happened. I felt so…wild. My blood was hot, raging, as if anticipating a fight, and there was more to it than violence. There was something in me that hadn't been touched ever since Kanan had died. Something had awakened my sexual side, and I felt the unfamiliar burn of lust tugging at the corner of my consciousness as I considered those full, crimson lips on mine.

_ Is this how Gojyo feels every day?_

I was barely aware of my comrades beside me, "Hey, uh, Hakkai? You okay?"

"Yes. I'm fine." I said rather curtly, starting to clip my limiters back on and realizing part of me really didn't want to.

"Who was that?" Goku demanded.

"I have no idea. Just a youkai who wants to kill Sanzo, I suppose. I'm sure we won't have any more trouble from her as long as we stay together."

Sanzo snorted. "What a ridiculous notion."

Goku sounded reluctant, "She was…kissin' ya', wasn't she?"

I was silent a moment, not wanting to think about it, "Yes, I suppose so."

"An' you were kissin' her back."

That part startled me, and I looked up at them, "Excuse me?"

He seemed troubled, "I mean, I don't know much about kissin', but it looked like ya' were kissin' her back…the way ya' were…" he blushed suddenly. "Gojyo?"

"Yeah." Gojyo said quietly. His voice sounded strange in the night, and I couldn't see his face. "You were definitely kissing her back."

Could that be true? I didn't remember kissing her back. Had I done it without realizing?

How strange.

"Never mind, Goku." I said, getting to my feet, "It doesn't matter."

"Doesn't matter? But Hakkai-"

"The monkey's right, Hakkai. How does this not matter?"

"It just doesn't. I suggest we all forget about it and go back to sleep."

Goku and Gojyo both seemed reluctant.

I turned to Sanzo, "Sanzo, perhaps as long as that youkai is around, someone ought to stay awake and keep watch."

Sanzo was looking at me warily, but he nodded.

"In that case, I suppose I might as well-"

Gojyo shoved me suddenly, "I'll do it."

I looked at him, "What?"

"Me. I'll keep watch." He was lighting a cigarette, not looking at me.

"You? But, Gojyo—"

"Naw, it's cool. I'm not feelin' very tired anyway."

"You sure you can handle it?" Sanzo sneered.

Gojyo ignored him, sitting down by the fire. It took me a second to realize he had his shakujou out, "If that bitch comes back, she'll have to deal with me."

I remembered how strong she had been and doubted Gojyo would be able to handle her all alone, but didn't say anything, because honestly I was relieved. I didn't want to stay awake alone now. Something about that woman deeply disturbed me.

I smiled, regardless of how hollow or worthless the expression felt, "Very well. Thank you for offering, Gojyo."

It took a moment, but the others lay back down, and before long, they were both asleep. I sat up a little longer, and Jeep came to curl up beside me, resting his head on my thigh, and I stroked his ears and stared into the fire.

Gojyo didn't speak the whole time, and I had nothing to say either. My mind was full of worry now, especially when there was a bloodthirsty youkai after Sanzo. If she wasn't a regular assassin, who in the world was she, and why was she after Sanzo? The only thing I could think of was that maybe she had something to do with the fight from earlier.

But her eyes and the way she'd touched me, the way she'd kissed me, something about it reminded me of Kanan. The reminder was incredibly painful, even when I'd thought I'd finally gotten past those terrible memories. The only way I'd ever been able to overcome those memories had been with the aid of my friends. Living with Gojyo had changed a lot for me, and I'd finally been able to come to terms with my grief. He was constantly reliable and always willing to help if he could. Just like now.

Sanzo too had provided the opportunity for me to live in peace, and Goku was always a bright, cheerful companion, capable of alleviating me from any kind of depression or stress.

How could the appearance of one female youkai, whose name I didn't even know, be enough to shatter all of that peace and make me feel like I'd lost Kanan all over again?

Normally, I was able to mask my emotions fairly well, and talking it over with someone didn't help much, but right then, I really wanted to tell Gojyo all about it.

I glanced at him.

After all, what was the point in having a best friend if I couldn't tell him things?

"That woman." I said after a while. "What do you think she wants with Sanzo?"

He breathed some smoke out, "Sanzo killed her brothers I guess. Yesterday—that clan we fought. That was hers. We finished them off today."

"I see." I said quietly.

"What about you Hakkai? What do you think she wants with you?"

"Oh. I don't know…she didn't exactly say."

"They never do."

"No. I suppose not."

But I already feared that I knew what she wanted. To see me as I really was. To see me in my true form. As a youkai.

I looked around the cold night and shivered, trying not to think about what would have happened if she'd succeeded.


	4. Chapter 4

Goku

When I woke up, I was hungry and sort of cold. The ground was uncomfortable and I felt like I was out in the open. As I sat up and looked around, I realized that it would be easy for a bunch of stupid youkai to attack us where we were. I wondered if Hakkai had thought about that when he'd decided to pull over.

_ Prolly. Hakkai thinks of ev'rythin'._

I looked over at him, ready to say good morning and where's breakfast, when I realized he was crashed out next to Gojyo. I guess neither of them could stay awake all night. I wished one of them woulda' woke me up—I would have traded places.

_ Oh well. Nothin' happened, so it's not a big deal I guess._

I sat there a few minutes looking around and realizing for the first time how early it was. I never got up this early, so it was kinda' weird. The sky was all gray and stuff. Maybe it would rain.

If it rained Sanzo and Hakkai would prob'ly get all pissy and stuff.

My stomach growled. "Mm. I'm hungry."

I felt bad about waking anyone up, so I decided I'd get breakfast on my own and went to look through our supplies. There wasn't very much to eat. Well, not anything good anyway. Most of it was in cans and stuff. I ate some anyway, but it wasn't very good. What I really wanted was some fresh fruit, and it didn't look like we had any. The grocery shopping had been cut a little short thanks to Sanzo and Gojyo's fight.

_ Man what's up with those guys anyway? They've been actin' so weird._

I remembered that yesterday we'd passed some fruit trees a ways back. It had smelled really good. I had wanted to stop and eat some, but I was scared to ask Sanzo since he was being so weird. I could go back and get some now—it prob'ly wasn't too far away.

Looking again at my friends, I set off, back down the road the way we'd come, going as quickly as I could. I didn't wanna' leave them alone too long with that crazy youkai lady runnin' around kissin' people.

Thinking about it made me feel hurried and I started to jog.

We'd passed the fruit trees around evening, so they couldn't be far off. A few miles. I could handle that easy. I had crazy-good stamina.

It was a pretty morning. I heard a lot of birds singing, and even though it was cloudy, the sun was coming through here and there. I could smell the rain gathering and the wind felt good. I liked traveling a lot. We got to see lots of cool places, and I had lots of fun with my friends. It prob'ly wouldn't be half as fun without them.

That's why I really didn't like it when they got hurt or somethin'. Maybe I wasn't so good with expressing the stuff I felt, but I still felt a lot, and I really cared about my friends. Sanzo was like my dad, sort of, and Gojyo and Hakkai were like my brothers. Hakkai was always real nice to me, and Gojyo was there for me if I needed him, and I knew it. Even if we did fight a lot. It was just for fun. The trip would have been way boring without him. And I had no idea where I'd be without Sanzo. Prob'ly still in that cage.

I shook the thought away. I didn't want to think about the cage ever again. It was behind me, and I had friends now. The closest thing I'd ever had to a family.

And I didn't like it when bad stuff happened to my family.

It would be cool if they were awake when I got back. Maybe they'd like some fruit too.

I wondered what else they'd like. There wasn't too much around that was edible, but maybe I could find somethin' else too.

I hadn't gone too far when I could smell a sweet smell of something in the wind. I knew right away that it was apples. My mouth started watering right away, and I could hardly wait to see them.

A little bit later I saw a big-ass row of apple trees along the side of the road, and I could see the apples. They were pretty big, and really bright red. Perfect.

Drooling, I ran up to the first tree in the row and stared up into its branches, homing in on one really big, juicy looking apple, and then I started to climb the tree, shimmying out on the branch to grab it. I could see my face in it, it was so shiny. I smiled. "Hey there. You look yummy."

It was really hard to keep from taking a big bite out of it, but I reminded myself that it was for my friends, and then I held it against my chest, stood up to grab another that looked just as big and bright as the first. The smell was great, and being up in the branches of the tree made it even stronger. I coulda' hung out in the tree all day, just eating apples and relaxing, but I knew I had to go back to make sure my friends were okay.

I grabbed as many as I could, and then I started to climb down the best I could without dropping any. When I was on the ground again, I took my cape off and laid it out on the ground and put the apples in the middle so I could wrap them up and carry them easier.

While I was tying it all up, I realized that if I was gonna' carry them in my cape I'd be able to take even more than before. That meant there'd be enough for later too. Grinning, I went back up into the trees and brought down another armful. I dropped a few this time. That really sucked. But I still had a lot, so it wasn't too bad.

When I was sure I had as many as we'd need, I climbed down again and tied my cape up, and swung it over my shoulder like a bag.

I was about to head back to where my friends were when I saw someone coming down the road toward me. They were still a little ways away, so I thought it was that youkai lady. Then I saw that it was a human man. He looked pretty old, with a white beard and stuff. It seemed early for an old dude to be walking by himself, but then I saw that he had some kinda crazy big basket on his back. He stopped under the orchard and gave me a weird look, kinda' like the ones Sanzo gave.

"Mornin' Jii-san." I waved a little.

"Who are you?" He had sort of a gruff, old man voice. Maybe Sanzo would be like him when he got old.

"My name's Goku. I'm just passin' through."

"Did you know you're in my apple orchard?"

This old guy was bein' so rude I wasn't sure what to say. "Uh…no…"

"So then you weren't planning to pay for those—you were just going to steal them."

"What?" I felt totally stupid right away. I should have known the apples belonged to someone. "No! I'm not tryin' ta' steal 'em. I really didn't know that-"

"Never mind," he growled. "Travelers do it all the time—I guess they think that since they're just passing through it's okay. Just get out of here."

"Oh…okay." I watched him a moment as he set down his backpack thing and his little walking stick and got ready to climb the tree. I couldn't believe this old guy was going to climb these big trees all by himself. He didn't look like he was in that good of shape.

"Um…"

He glared over his shoulder at me, "You're still here?"

"Yeah…well, I-"

"For the last time, kid, beat it."

I hesitated a little longer, laid down my cape and went closer, "Um, I'm really sorry 'bout takin' your apples without permission. If ya' want, I could help ya' pick some…for payment or somethin'."

His expression didn't change, "What makes you think I can't do it by myself?"

"I dunno. Can ya'?"

He snorted, but it sounded like a laugh. "Of course I can. Just go on and have a nice day."

"I feel bad about stealin' from ya' like that." I said seriously, taking hold of the lowest branch. "Just leme' help."

For a while the old guy stared at me, and I couldn't tell what he was thinking. His expression didn't change or anything. Then, finally, he smiled a little and nodded jerkily. "Fine. You help me for an hour and we'll call it even."

"A whole hour?"

"Is that a problem?" He glared again.

"No. 'sallright."

The others would be okay without me for a little bit longer. Maybe if I worked fast the old guy would let me go after his basket was full. I didn't think it would take a whole hour to fill it up. So I climbed back up into the tree and started to collect the apples. At first, I thought I'd just grab some and then drop them down into the basket, but he got mad at me right away.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, boy?"

"What'dya' mean?"

"Keep dropping them like that and they'll bruise!"

"Oh…" I rubbed my head and smiled, feeling stupid for not thinking of that, "right. Sorry. So ya' want me ta' get a bunch an' just bring 'em down to ya', yeah?"

He snorted, "Kid, you're not the brightest bulb I've met."

"Huh? Bulb?" I had no idea what he meant. Bulb made me think of plants, and plants made me think of food, so immediately I was hungry again. But I didn't have time to eat. I had to hurry up and get this done so I could go back to my friends. I didn't want them to leave me.

I worked as fast as I could, taking as many apples at a time as I could hold, and climbing down from the tree quickly. At first the old man just stood by and glared and snorted at me, but after a while he started to lighten up and talk to me a little.

"Well, bright bulb or not, at least you aren't completely useless."

I grinned at him as I loaded another armful of apples into his basket.

"You travelin' alone?"

"Naw. I've got three other friends with me."

"Ah. That's good. Travelin' alone's no good. So where are the four of you heading?"

"West. We're sort of on a mission."

"I used to travel when I was younger. It's nice to see the world while you can still walk."

"Mmhm!" I jumped back up into the tree easily and began grabbing more apples.

"You sure are a spry little feller. What did you say your name is?"

"I'm Goku."

"Goku hm? I'm Li."

"Nice ta' meetcha'. So dya' live around here?"

"Not far from here. I take the apples to a market in a little village to the west. They're my major source of income, but a lot of folks come by and just take what they need."

I felt bad again, but he just kept smiling.

And we kept working. We worked for at least another hour, and I realized that the basket was a lot bigger than I realized. "Are ya' really gonna' carry all these back home?"

"No. My son should be coming along soon. He has a truck—that's rare in these parts, you know."

"Yeah? We've got a jeep."

"A jeep huh? That's good for traveling."

We worked a little longer, and then Li asked me if I'd had breakfast, so I fudged a little and said no. The stuff from the cans earlier wasn't enough to really be called breakfast. So he sat down and got out some food and offered it to me. It was just some simple rice and bread and stuff, but it looked yummy, so I agreed to eat with him before I went.

"Well, Goku, I don't know if there's much point in telling you this, since you and your friends are leaving the region, but you should try to be careful."

"Yeah?" I popped a hunk of bread in my mouth. It was so good—all fresh baked and warm and soft. The best bread I'd ever had! "Why?"

"I wouldn't want to scare you, son, but there's a powerful youkai who lives around here. It's up for debate whether she's gone berserk or not, since she doesn't go into villages to attack humans, but many a traveler has been attacked."

The bread turned to rocks in my stomach, "A girl youkai?"

Li nodded, "The survivors always have the same story—a young, female youkai, who looks like she's in her twenties, but is as cruel as an ancient god. She shows no mercy. In fact, the survivors usually claim that they wish she would have just killed them with their friends."

I was quiet for a while thinking about the youkai that had come out of nowhere last night and wondering if it was the same one.

"I didn't scare you, did I?"

"No. It's just that…what does she look like?"

"I've never seen her myself, but the descriptions are consistent—long, black hair, and demonic, green eyes."

Green eyes. That made me think of Hakkai. When he was in his youkai form his eyes were really…

Demonic was the only word I could think that described it.

I remembered fightin' with him and shuddered.

"So be on the look out. She's pretty to look at but dangerous to come across. I believe she goes by Jade the Asahara."

"What's an Asahara?"

He shrugged. "I doubt it means anything. It's just a family name, as best I can tell. Around here, and in the surrounding villages, we call her the succubus."

I stared at him, trying out the word. "Succubus… what's that?"

Li chuckled slightly, "A demon who seduces men in the night. See, the Asahara likes doing that. She loves to lure human men away with her beauty and…well, have her way with them, and then eat them."

It was a little confusing for me. Have her way with them… But I'd feel stupid if I asked what that meant, so I'd just keep it in mind and ask Gojyo later. He'd know. Or maybe Hakkai. Hakkai wouldn't tell me all the gross details at least.

The news bothered me a lot. Especially the parts about seducing men and the green eyes. It made me think that the youkai from last night really was this Asahara lady. And I really didn't like that she'd been kissin' Hakkai. I wondered if she would have had her way with him if we hadn't woke up.

_ Hakkai's not a human._

I got up suddenly; I'd been away for a long time. If that youkai was really wandering around somewhere I had to get back to my friends and protect them. "Thanks for the food, Li, and the apples, but I've gotta' go now. I've gotta' go make sure my friends're okay."

"I understand." He got out a pipe and lit it. "Well, you have a nice trip, Goku. And keep your eyes peeled for that woman…she's powerful. Incredibly powerful. As far as I know, she runs an entire clan all by herself, and she'd vengeful."

"A whole clan? Run by a girl youkai?"

"So they say. Of course, she doesn't often do her dirty work. She's got a few brothers who run around, taking orders from her. But, she's dangerous, that's all that matters. She's the type that, if you cross her wrong, she'll follow you to the ends of the earth. Until you're dead. So be careful. And don't wander around alone."

"Thanks." I said again, picking up my apples. And then I started to run down the road, to the west. I didn't know how we'd gotten involved with this Asahara chick, or what she wanted from Hakkai, but I knew she wanted to kill Sanzo. Maybe it was because of whatever had happened yesterday morning. If she was after Sanzo I had to make sure I was there to keep her from killing him. Hakkai too.

The apples suddenly seemed really stupid and pointless, and I wished that I had just stayed with my friends instead.

I ran all the way back to them, sorta' scared that they'd be dead when I got there. Everybody was there though. They were up, but they were just sittin' there, not even eating or anything. As I got closer, I could hear them talking. At first I thought maybe Sanzo and Gojyo were fighting again, but they weren't. I slowed down and walked up to them, just listening.

Hakkai was saying, "…if she promised to kill Sanzo, I think it would be unwise of us to assume she's not going to continue hunting him."

"Feh. It doesn't matter." Sanzo snorted, "She's not a problem."

They both looked at him.

"What is wrong with you, man?" Gojyo demanded. "You heard what Hakkai said about how strong that bitch is—and if she's really gonna' keep looking for you, I don't see how she's not a problem."

"Whoever gets in my way dies. I told you that."

"Sanzo, you're being a bit stubborn, don't you think?"

I padded up to them, "Hey guys. What's goin' on?"

They all turned to look at me. Sanzo glared, "Where the hell have you been?"

I set the apples down, "I went ta' get some breakfast is all."

"That was a bit irresponsible, don't you think, Goku?" Hakkai had that weird, worried look all over his face, even though everything looked like it was okay. "Especially after what happened last night?"

"Yeah, but I was hungry. 'Sides, I found out somethin' important about that youkai chick from last night."

I noticed how their expressions changed, like they went from being worried to being even more worried.

"See, I ran inta' this farmer guy, and I helped him pick some apples ta' sell. He told me 'bout this really strong girl youkai—said she's real mean and stuff, and that if she's mad at ya' she never stops lookin' for ya'."

Hakkai and Gojyo both turned back to Sanzo, but he just said, "What's that have to do with us?"

"The way he described her sounded just like the lady we saw last night. I thought she was probably the same."

Hakkai at least seemed trouble, "What exactly did this man tell you, Goku?"

I stood there, trying to remember his words exactly, shrugged. "Guess she doesn't go into villages to attack humans, so she might not be crazy yet, but she's killed lotsa' travelers. And she's really, really mean." I tried again to remember Li's exact words. "Merciless an' cruel. Guess she's got demonic green eyes. And…oh yeah, they call her Jade the Asahara…or somethin' like that. Anyway…people call her…succubus." I think I got that word right.

Gojyo slid a glance at Hakkai, so I must have said it right. Or else I had messed it up and he had no idea what I was talking about.

Hakkai's voice seemed really cold. "Is that so. I wonder why?"

"Um. The farmer said somethin' about her…havin' her way with guys, then eatin' them."

"Ah. I suppose that explains it."

I looked hard at Gojyo, half expecting me to tell me what that really meant, but he was just smoking, not looking at any of us.

This was so weird. Really, really weird. Why did this hafta' be happening to us? First this crazy youkai wanted ta' kill Sanzo, now she was tryin' to get to Hakkai.

"One more thing." I said. It was strange having to be the messenger, and I was sure I was forgetting something. "She's strong. Way strong. She's in charge of a whole clan."

"Was." Gojyo spoke up at last.

"Well Sanzo." Hakkai said, standing up, "What do you have to say to all of that? If this Jade the Asahara is really after you, don't you think that's cause for concern?"

"Please. Just admit it, Hakkai, you're the one who's worried—this bastard youkai is obviously after you, not me."

"She had her chance to kill me and didn't take it." Hakkai sounded angry for some reason. I looked at Gojyo and he shrugged. "She told us she's after you, so what are you getting by trying to deny it?"

Sanzo got up too, dropping his cigarette, "Just mind your own business, Hakkai. We've wasted enough time talking about this, now let's move out." He walked toward the jeep.

Hakkai stood there, shaking his head, and Gojyo moved closer to him. I thought they were gonna' say something to each other, but they didn't; they just stood there a sec, shoulder to shoulder, and then Hakkai headed for the jeep too, getting in on the driver's side.

Gojyo looked over his shoulder at me, "Well, monkey, ready for another fun-filled day on the dick-eating journey west?"

For some reason that made me remember what he'd said to Hakkai last night. They hadn't known I was awake, but I had been listening as Gojyo talked about how sick he was of being around Sanzo, and how he was tired of the whole trip. It made sort of worry that he was gonna' take off some day.

Not today though. So I got my apples and put them in the car.

I got one out and started to eat it, thinking. Somehow I had to think of a way to protect Sanzo and Hakkai from that crazy girl youkai, and I had to keep my eye on Gojyo too, to make sure he didn't disappear on us.

It seemed like a lot all the sudden.

For some reason, it seemed like we drove longer today than usual. The sun got higher and higher in the sky and I got hungrier and hungrier. A few times I wanted to complain, but I had enough apples that I didn't really need to. Besides, I could tell my friends were upset about something. It seemed like Hakkai was driving faster than usual, and today Sanzo and Gojyo were both quiet. I tried to be quiet too, even though I wasn't sure why.

Noon passed and we didn't stop. Normally Hakkai took a break from driving, or I complained enough about being hungry that we had to stop. Today, Hakkai went right on going, and no one stopped him. Were my friends that scared of that girl youkai? Should I be scared too?

I was with Sanzo. If she tried anything, we'd just kill her—what was the big deal? Sure, Li said she was tough, and last night Hakkai had some trouble with her, but if we all ganged up on her, we could finish her, couldn't we? As long as we all stayed together, we'd be okay.

That made me think about Gojyo wanting to leave again, and I looked at him. He was just sittin' there, smoking like always, hair blowing back in the wind. Was he really thinking about taking off?

I didn't want him to. Even if me and Hakkai and Sanzo were good enough to take care of bitchy-face youkai, I still didn't want Gojyo to leave. We needed him.

A couple times, I thought about asking him about it. Sanzo and Hakkai weren't paying any attention to us, so maybe he'd talk to me about it. One time I even started to ask.

"Gojyo?"

When he looked at me, everything seemed normal, but his voice was too flat to be Gojyo's. "Yeah? What is it?"

"Ya' okay?"

"Yep. I'm good."

That was all. I didn't really know what else to say—I wanted to ask why he wasn't trying to tease me, or why he and Sanzo were arguing so much. I wanted to ask if he was worried about the youkai who was after Sanzo or if he thought we'd be okay. I really, really wanted to know if he was going to leave us. But I didn't know how to ask any of that stuff, so I didn't. I just grabbed another apple and tried not to worry so much.

The sun was starting to go down by the time we finally got to a town, and I realized we hadn't taken any breaks at all. At least, not any serious ones. We'd stopped a couple times to stretch our legs, but there hadn't been time for more than just a little food, and then we were back in the car again. I couldn't shake the feeling that we were running from something.

The first place we headed for was an inn. By that time, the others seemed to be acting a little more normal. Well, sorta' normal. They were still a little weird. Sanzo and Gojyo were getting into it again, over some stupid thing—it was like they couldn't get past the fight they'd had the other day—and Hakkai wasn't saying anything at all. One time, he stopped in the middle of the road and I ran into him.

"Woah! Hakkai? What'dya' stop for?"

"Hm? Oh, nothing. I'm sorry, Goku, I'm simply considering where we should spend the night."

Gojyo said, "I vote for getting separate rooms."

"Separate rooms? Hm. I'm not sure that under the circumstances that would be wise. Sanzo?"

"I hate to say this—really, really hate to say it—but I have to agree with Gojyo. Only because I don't want to have to bear his stupid face any longer than I need to."

"Exactly." Gojyo sneered. "I think I've pretty much filled my Sanzo quota for the day."

"But guys!" I interrupted. "If we split up, dya' think it's safe? That youkai…"

"Never mind, Goku." Sanzo said. He sounded harsher than usual. "For the last time, that Jade the Asahara is not an issue. I don't even want to waste my time thinking about her."

"Yeah, but-"

"Forget him, Goku." Gojyo slung an arm around my neck, "If Mr. Holy wants to get his ass raped and eaten let him."

Sanzo cocked his gun, aiming it at Gojyo's face, "Let me hear you say that again, Gojyo. Please."

Gojyo smirked, "Maybe you like being on the bottom."

"And maybe you'd like to sink to the bottom of the river."

"C'mon guys, cut it out." I pushed Gojyo's arm off. "Fine. Fine. We'll get different rooms, right, Hakkai?"

"Well…I guess if that's what it takes to keep us all intact we have no choice." He was smiling, but it looked…wrong. Somehow. It just looked wrong. His eyes kept darting.

"'Kay." I was starting to feel a little annoyed too. "I'll share a room with Sanzo." At least that way I'd be there, just in case. Not that I really needed to protect Sanzo—he was more than capable of defending himself—but I wanted to be there. Just in case.

"Then you drew the short straw, monkey." Gojyo ruffled my hair.

I didn't say anything. I didn't want them to drag me into their stupid fight. What was up with them anyway? Were they just really sick of being around each other? Maybe staying in different rooms tonight would help.

We were on the way to the inn now, and I was feeling just as frustrated and nervous as all my friends were acting, when I looked up the street and noticed a huge crowd of humans. They were all talking and making lotsa' noise, so at first I thought they were cheering for something. Like a parade. "What's that?" If it was a party there'd probably be some good food.

The others stopped and looked too. "Perhaps there's some sort of a festival." Hakkai said quietly.

"Looks like it's heading this way." Gojyo took a step in that direction. "Maybe there's some hot chicks there."

Sanzo stayed where he was. "Dream on, Gojyo. In a classy town like this, there are probably not a lot of girls who want to sleep with random half-blood trash."

Even I knew that was taking it a little too far.

Gojyo spun around, eyes so angry they scared me a little, but his mouth was smiling, and I could see all his teeth. They were perfectly white. "You know what, Sanzo, fuck you. Alright? Fuck you, man! You and your fuckin' issues can all go and fuck yourselves. Maybe we should just give you to that youkai—maybe if you get fucked that'll straighten out the twist in your panties!"

"I just thought you'd like to be aware of the truth. Obviously a slut like you doesn't appreciate one moral more than another. Why would you?"

"You pieca' shit priest! What the hell is wrong with you? So some fuckin' youkai killed your daddy! Get over it!"

I stared at Gojyo, horrified. What the heck was he doing? What was either of them doing? We all knew there were just some boundaries we didn't cross. Whatever happened to the other Sanzo. Stuff with Gojyo's mom. The crap Hakkai had done for Kanan. We just didn't mention it. Ever.

Just like that, Sanzo sprang on Gojyo, swinging for his face.

I got between them, barely in time, and did my best to hold Sanzo back.

"Goku! Get out of the way!"

"Let him go, Goku—if he wants a piece of this he can come an' get it!"

"Gojyo! I swear to God I'll kill you!"

I ignored them and focused on keeping Sanzo back. Hopefully Hakkai wouldn't let Gojyo do anything either, even if he wasn't himself today. "I'm so sick of you guys fighting!"

They were ignoring me too though.

"For the last time, Goku, get out of the way!"

Desperately I looked for Hakkai, "Hey, Hakkai! Help!"

He was just standing off to the side, still looking at the crowd. "You two. You may want to stop that."

Gojyo was coming forward, "Yeah, whatever 'Kai."

I didn't know if I could keep them both apart, but I had to try. I reached out my other hand, bracing it against Gojyo's chest as he got right in Sanzo's face. "Aw, c'mon guys, cut it out!"

"Bring it on, Sanzo. Try saying all that half-blood slut shit to me again."

"Guys! Stoppit!"

"Gojyo, you're a half-blood slut."

"Sanzo!"

"And you're a dickless charlatan."

"Gojyo!"

"Don't think I won't waste every last bullet I have on you!"

"Shut up guys!"

"Eat me! You wouldn't be so tough if Goku wasn't here for you to hide behind!"

"SHUT UP!"

I couldn't do anything though. In the same moment, they pushed me out of the way and went at each other. Gojyo hit Sanzo with his whole body and knocked him down, and then they were fighting in the dust again, and I was standing there, just screaming in frustration.

"Hakkai! Help me!" I turned around, but Hakkai wasn't there alone. The crowd we'd seen had gotten a lot closer, and now lotsa' people were just standing around, murmuring and staring. Hazel and Gat were in front of them, both watching Sanzo and Gojyo have it out.

Not good.

"Well, well now, Mr. Sanzo. I knew you and your fine team were a scrappy bunch, but fightin' each other now? It just don't seem right, sir."

My mind raced. The last thing any of us wanted to do was look out of control in front of this creep. Now Sanzo, our always in control leader was rolling around in the dirt with Gojyo, trying to kill him.

At least it made 'em stop. Sanzo was in the middle of pounding Gojyo's face, and Gojyo had his hand around Sanzo's throat, but they froze and looked up at Hazel. Man, they were all dusty and bloody and bruised and looked way pissed. Seein' Hazel probably didn't help.

"I tried to warn you." Hakkai said quietly.

Hazel took his hat off and smiled brightly, "Or could it be you're havin' a lover's quarrel?"

This day just couldn't get worse.

I went over and helped Sanzo up first, and once he'd stepped away I offered Gojyo my hand. He took it but I could tell he was pissed.

"Why is it that we can't go from one town to another, walk down a street, or even take a damn shit without having to see your face everywhere we go?" He growled.

"Gojyo." Hakkai scolded. But his voice was a lot different than usual. Like maybe he didn't really care what Gojyo said or did. I looked up at him, wondering what had him so upset.

Hazel clucked his tongue, "My. Maybe it's best for ya'll not ta' be judgin' me—'specially not if ya'll've started fightin' amongst yourselves. After all, you'd never catch Gat and me fightin' in the dirt like a pair o' school boys."

"Can it, Hazel." Sanzo snapped. "And just tell us what the hell you want?"

"Whew." Hazel whistled. "Seems ya'll're in a fouler mood than usual."

"Fowl?" I asked, thinking of how nice it would be to have some Peking duck or some orange chicken.

Hakkai took control, "As you can see, Mr. Hazel, we're already having something of a bad day, and most of us you'll find are in a bit of a mood. Perhaps you could simply tell us what it is you're after and then be on your way."

"After? Why, Mr. Spectacles, I'm hurt! To think ya'll believe I'm after somethin'. No just the opposite—I'd like to help ya'll out t'day."

"Great." I muttered. "With what?"

"That's right." Gojyo stepped forward, and I thought maybe he was going to throw Hazel down like he did Sanzo, "With what?"

"See these people here." Hazel gestured to the crowd gathered behind him. I looked at them. They all looked back. Some were still whispering.

"What about them?"

"These fine people here have been tellin' me all 'bout a little problem that's been comin' this way, and as a matter o' fact, I was just on my way ta' find ya'll ta' let ya' in on it."

"Well great. What is it?"

"See, these fine people here aren't from this town. This here lovely couple's from a town about a six-day's journey west from here. This lil' ol' family's hometown is about five days west of here. These people four days west. These three days. This lovely couple's home was two days west of here."

"Was?" I couldn't help asking. I looked again at the people. They all looked pretty tired and scared. Some of them had burn marks on their skin or clothes.

"You got it little feller. Was. See, all these fine people got somethin' in common—their homes were destroyed by an army of youkai, headin' east from India."

"What? A whole army of 'em?"

"That's what they told me. Seems most of 'em came seekin' me out, wantin' my help. 'Course I'm happy ta' oblige—I can always use more souls for my cause—however, I thought this time I might let ya'll know."

"And why in the fuck would you be so kind as to do that?" Sanzo sneered. He was smoking again. So was Gojyo. But they were standin' a few feet apart.

"They're lookin' for ya'll." Hazel said seriously.

"Us."

"Yessir. That's what these fine people've told me—they all claim that when this here army came to their towns, they were askin' about a Sanzo Ikkou. I'm willin' ta' bet there ain't more than one."

I looked around at my friends. They looked around at each other. I made eye contact with Sanzo.

"So?" Sanzo snorted at last. "What else is new? More assassins from Houtou castle."

"Maybe." Hazel smiled slyly, "But if that's true, these assassins ain't like the rest that've come before 'em."

"What'dya' mean?" I asked.

"Seems this army's bein' led by a youkai named Ryptcore."

"That supposed to mean somethin' to us?" Gojyo snorted.

Hazel looked sorta' stuck-up as he said, "Ya'll tellin' me ya' don't know 'bout Ryptcore? Boy, he's a legend in India. They say he wasn't born, but artificially inseminated."

"Artificially what?" the big words were starting to hurt my head.

"It means he wasn't actually born." Hakkai explained. "He was created in a lab by scientists."

"Weird."

"That's not all." Hazel went on. "Ryptcore ain't just artificial, he's been taught all kinds of combat techniques, both physically and with magic. He's one of the most powerful youkai alive—maybe stronger than the Seiten Taisei."

I shifted uncomfortably as he looked at me. It was weird to think of anybody being stronger than me. It was exciting too.

"It's not just him you have to worry about!" One of the villagers cried suddenly. He stepped out of the crowd a little, holding the hand of a little girl. "He's got a whole army with him! The DethBreed."

"Death breed?" Gojyo asked. "What's that?"

"An army of bloodthirsty youkai, each of them handpicked for their brutality and hate. They'd follow Ryptcore to the ends of the earth just to taste a lick of blood on their tongues! It's awful! They killed everyone we cared about—devoured them all like cattle! They're coming this way, taking over the world like a disease, spreading darkness like cancer! Please, sir Priest!" He came a little closer, falling on his knees in front of Sanzo, "You must destroy him, or he'll destroy us all! All of humanity!"

Sanzo barely even looked at the man. "What's it have to do with me?"

Hazel said slowly, "That's the thing, Mr. Sanzo. They say Ryptcore's been imprisoned and tortured ever since birth just ta' make him a cruel, ruthless sonnova' bitch. A nightmare bred from a nightmare."

"Again. I don't see what that has to do with me. I'm not some super hero—Hazel, you're the one who swore to wipe youkai off the face of the earth."

I barely suppressed a shudder when he said that.

"So why don't you deal with it?"

"'Cause, Mr. Sanzo, Ryptcore's been promised freedom if he kills you an' your party. That's why. It ain't got nothin' ta' do with me."

Sanzo froze a moment, and I thought maybe that had struck a nerve with him. Then he suddenly turned away, "I've heard enough of this nonsense. It's not my problem."

A strange moan went up from the crowd. They were all starting to cry and beg. I'd never seen a group of people so terrified.

"Sanzo." Hazel stepped a little closer so he could speak quietly to Sanzo, "Ryptcore's been unleashed for the sole purpose of destroyin' you. It's your fault they let 'im out, so don't ya' think it's up ta' ya' ta' fix it?"

Sanzo pulled away, "No. It's not my fault. If Kougaiji sent him—or whoever's controlling Kougaiji—then it's their fault. So take it up with them."

Dokugakuji

"Ryptcore?"

Kou looked at me gravely and nodded. "I'm afraid so."

I glanced around, a little glad that Lirin and Yaone weren't nearby, even though I was sure he'd tell Yaone later, and then Lirin would no doubt find out some way or other. "Isn't he supposed to be imprisoned?"

"Yes, he is. But that bitch let him out—we all know she'd do anything to be rid of Sanzo Ikkou. The problem is…" he gazed out the window, the sunlight making his eyes look wine red. Just like Gojyo's. "The problem is that once Ryptcore is out, there's no guarantee he'll ever be willing to go back."

"So what's her angle?" Damn that Gyokoumenkoushu. Was she out of her goddamn mind?

"I've heard that she's offered him freedom if she kills Sanzo and his party."

I couldn't help gasping out loud. "But. Free Ryptcore?"

"I know, Dokugakuji…I know. It's madness. More than madness."

My head reeled. It was absolutely crazy to let Ryptcore out, even if it was just to finish off Sanzo. I didn't know very much about him, but what little I was aware of made me certain that he wasn't something that should be used like a weapon—he'd been artificially inseminated in a lab years ago, made from the DNA of the most powerful youkai that could be found. The scientists that had created him had done the most horrific experiments on him, treating him like a wild beast, tormenting him until his mind was gone and he was crazed with a constant lust for blood. I don't know where Kou's bitchy step-mom had gotten her hands on him, but it was the worst possible weapon for her to unleash on anyone.

"Ryptcore will never go back." Kou continued. "If he defeats Sanzo, he'll roam the world free, if he doesn't defeat Sanzo, he'll roam the world free. Either way, he'll destroy it. Not just the humans, but the youkai as well. Gyumaoh may or may not be revived. It doesn't matter. If Ryptcore and the DethBreed run loose for too long, nothing will matter."

"The DethBreed." I said softly. That nightmarish horde. Most of the youkai that comprised the famous DethBreed were certifiably insane, youkai who'd lost their minds long ago and had been freed from wards and hospitals and prisons all over the world. They were chosen for strength and lack of control. In fact, they probably would have just run loose, killing whatever they came across if Ryptcore wasn't their general. Not that it mattered. Once they were out and about there was no guarantee that even he would be able to keep them in check. There weren't very many of them, but most of them were powerful. Each of them almost as strong as Goku with his limiter on. If he took it off…well, I'd seen what that kid could do. He'd damn near killed Kou. He at least would be able to survive the DethBreed, but only if he gave up his own sanity. The rest of the Sanzo party might not be so lucky.

_ Gojyo._

I tried to shake his name away. He wasn't my brother anymore. He couldn't be. We were on different sides in the same war. I couldn't very well be concerned for his safety and continue to serve Kou like I'd promised to. Kougaji was my master, and any leftover feelings for my father's illegitimate son would just get in the way.

_ You don't really believe that._

No. I didn't. I didn't and I couldn't. I had failed Gojyo once, and I didn't know if I could ever forgive me for that. I hated to think of him fighting Ryptcore or any member of the DethBreed. I didn't know if he'd survive, but I had to hope he'd never run into them.

Not very likely.

"What are we going to do, Kou?" I asked suddenly.

"Do?" He gave me a strange look, and I was sure he knew what I was thinking. "There's nothing we can do, Dokugaku. Sanzo and his party are our enemies, so we shouldn't waste time worrying for them. Besides, Ryptcore is already free."

"Not the Sanzo Party." I said, trying to sound irritated. "But the innocents—there are a lot of innocent youkai who are going to be killed by that monster. Isn't it your duty to make sure that doesn't happen?"

He didn't look at me. "Yes, but…I'm afraid it's too late now, my friend. It's already begun, and I have my mother to think of."

I knew better than to be angry with him for making that decision. After all, Kou had his own goals to see to. He had that sister of his to protect. Could I blame him if he didn't want to go out and face the DethBreed itself and challenge its murderous general? Ryptcore was fighting for his very freedom, and there was no way he was going to step aside for Prince Kougaji, even if he was the son of Gyumaoh.

"Dokugaku…" he said quietly, and I looked up at him. "We all have things to protect, Dokugaku, things that are important, and I'm afraid that this time Gyukumenkusho has unleashed something none of us can stop. She may be playing with a power she can't fully control. If that's true, all of Shangri'la is in a very precarious position.

"I understand where you stand, Dokugakuji." He looked at the door and I knew he was thinking of Lirin. "If you wish to leave…if you want to go and warn your brother, I'll understand."

For a moment, I sat pondering his words. Go and warn Gojyo? Would Gojyo want me to warn him? Would he even listen to me?

I wanted to. Damn, how I wanted to. I was afraid for him—everything I'd ever heard about Ryptcore and the DethBreed was so awful, and if I thought there was even a slight chance that I could protect my brother from that, I wanted to take it. I'd honestly never been so torn between Kou and Gojyo in my life.

At last, I stood up.

Kou turned to look at me.

I spoke seriously, "Kou, you are everything to me now: my one and only master, the man I owe my loyalty and my life. I swore to you I would always serve you, and I will."

Kou met my gaze for a while, and then he looked back out the window, "I appreciate that, Dokugakuji."

I bowed a little, even though he couldn't see me, but I felt like my heart was going to burst.

_ Gojyo._

"It's possible though." Kou said, his voice startling me a little. "In case you're wondering, it is possible to be loyal to more than one person."

More than one person… What if those two people were supposed to be enemies? Then again, when was the last time we'd fought Sanzo and his friends? When had we ever fought them with the intent to kill them?

Suddenly, Kou turned and walked toward the door, "The decision is yours, as always, my friend."


	5. Chapter 5

Gojyo

This was turning out to be the shittiest week ever. Sanzo with a rod up his ass, bitch with a thing for Hakkai, now the killer army of youkai heading this way, especially to kill us.

It was hard to picture anything else going wrong.

"What do you make of these rumors?" Hakkai asked Sanzo. We were gathered in one of the inn rooms we'd rented, discussing Hazel's warning. Hazel was somewhere else, at a no doubt classier hotel. Good for him. I didn't think I could stand to be in a room with Sanzo and Hazel at the same time right now.

His holiness barely looked at Hakkai. I could tell something was bothering him, but did I care? Hell no. I just wish the pretentious bastard wouldn't take whatever it was out on me. "We won't know how strong he is until we actually run into this maniac."

"Obviously. What I'm asking is, do you really think this Ryptcore and his DethBreed are a group of assassins from Houtou Castle?"

"Wait a minute!" Goku interrupted, "Why would Kougaji do that? He's never done anythin' like this before!"

"We're enemies, remember?" I snorted. I was feeling a little impatient myself, and for some reason I couldn't stop thinking about my brother.

Hakkai looked at me seriously, like I was the one asking the dumb question, "It doesn't necessarily have to be Kougaji. We've talked before about the possibility of there being someone else in Houtou Castle, controlling Kougaji. I have no doubt that it's that person who might have sent this DethBreed to kill us."

"Kougaji or some other psycho. Who cares? Either way, those people out there want us all dead, thanks to our god-given little mission. Why do we even need to debate about it?"

"I take it then that you believe this rumor Hazel told us."

"Hell." I ground my cigarette into the ashtray, "Why not? Everything else is going wrong. Why wouldn't there be some supernaturally powerful, synthetic youkai coming out here to put us all in the ground?"

"Just because he was artificially inseminated doesn't make him synthetic, Gojyo. It's likely that this Ryptcore is one hundred percent flesh and blood. He simply didn't have a natural conception between two youkai."

I didn't mean to snap at him, but Sanzo's insult was still ringing in my ears, "Well not everyone does, Hakkai."

Hakkai glared daggers at me, "I'm well aware of that."

_ Way to make me look like the asshole._

"Flesh an' blood or not," Goku spoke up. I could tell the kid was a little nervous. "Dya' think he's strong enough ta' get the job done?"

"As I said before." Sanzo said, "We won't know until we fight him. So I suggest we give up this pointless little debate and get some sleep."

"I agree." Hakkai said a little scornfully. "Before we all kill one another."

I couldn't agree more with that myself. I was really tired of Sanzo, and Hakkai was starting to grate on my nerves too.

But Goku wasn't done with the insightful questions. "Wait. What about th' other youkai? Y'know. The girl."

"The Asahara." Hakkai looked out the window, "Somehow I doubt having a new enemy to face will make her simply disappear. However, if these rumors about Ryptcore are true, she may just be the least of our problems."

I didn't want to say anything, but I'd seen that damn bitch twice now, once when she was about to take Sanzo apart, and once when she was on the verge of making Hakkai a brand new man, and somehow I got the feeling she was anything but the least of our problems.

Either way, I headed for the other room. No one was in the mood to listen to me anyway, and I wasn't really in the mood to talk to them. Time would tell if the Asahara bitch was a problem or not. I wanted to think she wouldn't be, but I couldn't help thinking she would. Just the pessimist in me.

Hakkai came with me, not saying anything. Usually he was so cheerful, it was sort of hard to see him this way, especially when I wasn't sure why. As soon as the door was shut, he went straight to the window and looked out at the moon. It was just starting to rise on the eastern horizon. I thought again of home.

"You mad at me, Hakkai?"

"Mad at you? No. Why should I be?"

"Dunno." I sank onto one of the beds, "Lotta' reasons, I guess."

"Do enlighten me."

"Just the fight with Sanzo and everything."

"I don't fully understand what you and Sanzo are fighting about, but I think it goes without saying that it hardly matters at the moment."

"I guess." I flopped back, still thinking. The room was dumpy, like always—there were cracks in the walls and the mattress was creaky. I saw a cockroach run across the ceiling, couldn't help noticing the long antennae it had. Then before I knew it, I was picturing it bright red. I lit a cigarette to get my mind off it.

"You worried about that Asahara chick?"

"Should I be?"

It was a stupid thing to do, trying to pretend I didn't know. Hakkai confused the hell out of me all the time—he was a complicated guy, and I doubted I'd ever know his every in and out—but I knew him a helluva lot better than Sanzo or Goku did. That's what happened when you lived with somebody for three years. I had him pegged down to his last neat-freak, OCD habit. And he had me pegged for all mine. I had noticed right away that there was a change in his attitude after his weirdo encounter with that bitch, and it wasn't going away. I didn't know if it was just because he hadn't kissed a woman since Kanan, or if it was something deeper, but either way, I couldn't help worrying about it. If I was worried, why shouldn't he be?

"She's after you, 'Kai." I said sort of quietly. "You know that—I know you know that. She wants Sanzo dead, and she wants you for somethin' else. That scares the shit outta' me." I was overdue for a little friendly honesty.

At last he turned his head to look at me over his shoulder. For a moment, our eyes met, and I could see that he was worried. Then he just smiled, the same smile he always had on when we talked about this kind of shit. "Ah, Gojyo, don't be scared for me."

"It's not…" I couldn't look at him anymore, "It's not like I don't think you can take care of yourself, you know. I know you can. But…that bitch is playing head games with you. That's not cool."

"Could it perhaps be that you're simply jealous that I have the attention of a beautiful woman while she simply ignores the very fact that you're alive?"

Normally, I'd be all up for some friendly banter, just to get past the serious conversation we were having, and I knew that's what he was trying to do. But not tonight. "I mean it, Hakkai. Women can tear you up and leave you bloody just lookin' at you."

Hakkai's smile faded and he sighed, "Yes. I'm afraid I'm acquainted with that feeling just like you are."

I turned onto my side and looked at the wall. It was dirty and it looked like someone had smeared a bloody handprint on it. "I think she's a problem." I said at last.

"I think you're right."

That was it for our meaningful conversation. What the hell else could I say now? I'd told Hakkai what I thought, and there was nothing else I could do, unless I wanted to become his personal bodyguard and follow him absolutely everywhere. If I didn't get annoyed with that right out of the gate I knew he would. Now it was just up to him to watch himself.

After a while, I got up and grabbed my jacket and cigarettes, "I'm goin' out a while."

"Ah, I thought you might."

"Wanna' come?"

"No." he laughed, "I'm afraid I'd only cramp your style. But have fun for me." He added a little quieter, "Be careful."

"Always." I swung the door open and lingered there. Part of me hated to leave him. Part of me couldn't quite wrap around the idea of skipping getting laid just to hang out with a dude. "Hakkai."

He didn't face me. "Yes."

"I got your back, Hakkai."

"All the way from the bar."

I bit back a smile. "All the way from anywhere."

The bar was just as skuzzy as the inn. The town was big and classy, like Sanzo had noted, but we had wound up on the wrong side of the tracks, and everywhere I went I saw rundown buildings, gutterpunks and whores. I thought bitterly that there had to be at least one trashy enough to sleep with a half-blood slut.

Shouldn't let that bother me. Sanzo tossed insults and threats everywhere he went, but he only meant half of them.

Of course the insults and threats he tossed at me were probably the half he actually meant.

Still, shouldn't let that bother me. What the hell did I care what Sanzo thought of me? Fuck that guy. He was just jealous because no one anywhere was crazy enough to do it with a cranky-ass monk.

Anyway, I wound up at the bar, and it was sort of disappointing. I sat there alone for a pretty long time and was actually starting to wish I'd stayed with Hakkai by the time some guys came in and started to gamble.

That was definitely my scene, and I was there in a heartbeat. Most of the guys were quite a bit older than me, and I could tell that they didn't like some flashy, red-headed young guy with a devilish smile asking to join their poker game. They liked it even less when I took them for everything they had. I guess they weren't pros like me. I almost felt a little bad for cleaning them out.

After a couple of hours, they got sick of it all and left, trying to salvage what little they had left, and I went to the bar and had some drinks by myself, girlscouting at the same time. Most of the ladies I saw were either with a man or nowhere near the Gojyo standard, so I was alone for a pretty long time.

It was past midnight when she came in. God she was gorgeous—fantastic blue eyes, shiny blonde hair, long legs, a trim waist, wearing just enough clothes to keep from getting arrested for indecent exposure. That was my girl. Now the only problem would be taking her back to the room without waking Hakkai up.

Maybe we could go to her place.

I caught her eye right away, and she smiled and started to walk in my direction.

Hell yeah. He scores. It had been just about forever since I'd gotten laid, and I didn't think I could go even one more night without getting some.

"Hey there." God, even her voice was hot. Just that perfect blend of husky and feminine that I liked. Of course, she could talk like a man and I wouldn't give a damn.

"Well hello, Gorgeous. Don't tell me you came all the way over here just to make me buy you a drink."

She giggled and tucked some hair behind her ear, "You look pretty lonely over here by yourself. I actually came to see if I could buy you one, but as long as you're offering…" She sat down with all the grace of a princess looking for a good fuck.

"Sure thing, pretty eyes. Pick your poison, it's on me."

She ordered something typical I didn't catch the name of, and then smiled at me. Her teeth were perfect, white pearls.

"So what's your name, sexy?"

"Gojyo. Just Gojyo."

"Gojyo. I like it. It sort of pops."

"That's not the only thing about me that pops."

I felt her hand sweep up my inner thigh, not quite far enough, "You don't say."

"And your name is?"

"Kei. Just Kei."

"Pretty name for a pretty girl."

That made her giggle more. Then her drink came and she had to hesitate to try it. "What do you do for a living, Gojyo?"

"Gamble mostly."

"Ooh, I love a man who gambles. You're not from around here, are you?"

"Naw, I'm a traveler."

Her lips were centimeters from mine, "How perfect."

I spent a good hour or two sitting there with Kei just talking and laughing, trying to get drunk enough to go back to her place. Not that we really needed to. There was a perfect chemistry between us—both of us wanted to get laid, and we were just happy we'd found someone we were attracted to to do it with.

By two thirty, Kei was drunk and horny enough to do it with some old bum in an alley, and she was perched on my lap, threading her fingers through my hair and whispering in my ear about all the stuff she wanted to do to me when we got back to her place. That should have been my cue to take her and go, but I made the mistake of staying an extra five minutes to finish my beer.

The next thing I knew, she was there. It took me a moment to realize she was next to me—I was pretty loaded too, but I was aware of the fact that someone was standing over my shoulder. I was shocked as hell to see who it was.

"What the fuck?"

She didn't waste a second shoving Kei off me and spinning my stool around so she could grab my collar and jerk me halfway to my feet. She was wearing a limiter so her markings were gone and her ears were round, but her eyes were that same demonic green, and she looked pissed. With good reason. From the look of things—the bruises on her cheeks and around her mouth—someone had roughed her up a little.

"All right, slut-boy, where is he?" She snarled. Her fangs were gone, but her teeth still looked dangerous.

"Where's who?"

"Don't play games with me." She slapped my face. "Genjyo Sanzo. Where is he?"

It was pretty humbling to be bitch-slapped by a woman, and I was just sort of stunned for a second.

Then, even if I could have reacted, Kei got up screaming. She was hammered out of her mind, and she had no idea what she was getting into. "Hey, bitch! Who th' fuck dya' think ya' are? Ya' can't just barge in 'ere an' steal another gal's boy! I saw 'im first!"

Jade Asahara glared at Kei, "Shut up, bar trash. This has nothing to do with you."

"Bar trash? Bar trash! Ya' filthy lil' slut—c'mere an' I'll rip yer pretty lil' head righ' offa' yer shoul'ers!"

The Asahara shook me again, "Better tell your girlfriend to back off, Gojyo—I'm in a really, really shitty mood, and I'd loove to rip my claws through that lovely body of hers."

I wasn't as drunk as I could have been, and that was a good thing. I didn't know how tough this bitch was, but I definitely didn't want to be in a fight with her if I was four sheets to the wind. Besides, I needed some judgment. I couldn't let her kill Kei, but I wasn't sure I should lead her back to Sanzo either. The fact that she was wearing a limiter instead of just ransacking the town until she found him made me think something must have been up.

"Alright, alright. Chill out, I'll take care of her." I pried out of her grip and turned to Kei, "Uunh…listen babe."

"Gojyo, who is that? I though' ya' said you don' gotta' girl."

"I don't. Believe me, this is not my girl."

Kei didn't look impressed. "Then who is she?"

"Friend of a friend of a friend. Don't matter. Look-"

"Oh, I don' buy that bullshit for a second, liar!"

"It doesn't matter who she is!" I snapped. "Look, I gotta' handle her real quick, then I'll be back."  
"An' what am I s'posed ta' do, smart guy?"

I could see that my golden opportunity to get fucked was disappearing fast, and I had to do something to save it. "Hang tight here, order a drink—put it on my tab—and when I get back I promise we'll—"

"Wait? Ya' want me ta' wait here? Wait so ya' can go fuck some other girl an' then come back an' do me too? Well ya' can forget that idea, mister! Jus' forget all 'bout it! There's no way I'ma' wait 'ere for ya' to run off an'-"

"This isn't about you!" The Asahara smacked her suddenly, so hard she stumbled back into a table and knocked a bunch of glasses and a pitcher onto the floor. "For the last time, beat it, before I tear you limb from limb!"

"Hey!"

They both ignored me.

Kei stared at us a moment, cheek starting to bruise already, then she grabbed her purse and stormed for the door, almost falling on her face on the way out.

"Great." I sighed. There went my date. If I didn't hate this youkai bitch before, I definitely hated her now. I glanced at the bartender, who was just standing there, silent as the grave, watching us, and then back at her. "What the hell do you want that could be so important that you had to totally fuck my fun night out?"

"Believe me, Red, I did you a favor chasing that skank off. Now for the last time, where is Genjyo Sanzo?"

I didn't owe Sanzo anything, but I couldn't think of one good reason I should give this bitch what she wanted when she'd just ruined my date. "Nuh-unh. Why would I tell you somethin' like that?" I drew on my cigarette.

She grabbed both my shoulders, digging her nails in so deep, it didn't matter if she had claws at the moment or not. "Because if you don't, I'll shove that cigarette down your throat and you'll spend the rest of your life blowing smoke rings out your ass."

"Ooo tough girl. I like that." I grinned, then I shoved her off. "Alright. You wanna' play games with Gojyo? Fine. I'm warnin' you though." I summoned my shakujou, "I like it rough."

She just looked at it, then tossed her head back, laughing. "I suggest you put that away, halfling, unless you want to find it somewhere uncomfortable."

"'Gonna' shove this up there', 'gonna' shove that down here', quit with your pathetic threats and lets get it on."

The Asahara shook her head like she was disappointed, "If you insist."

Damn she was strong. The moment she leapt at me and swung at me, I could tell she was way damn strong. As strong as Goku maybe. Strong enough to put my lights out forever if I didn't watch it.

I braced myself and caught her attack on the shaft of my shakujou, swung around and knocked her back, tried to slice her open with my weapon.

She danced to one side and threw a table at me. A whole table.

I barely managed to cut it in two before the whole damn thing hit me in the head. Then I was after her again, taking another swipe at her.

But she was already behind me, closing in to kick me in the back.

I ducked. She flew over me. Immediately, I was after her, blade singing. She hit the wall hard and sprang off right away, coming back at me. Her green eyes sparkled.

We met in the middle of the room and stumbled backward, knocking over more tables and chairs. People screamed and ran to get out of the way. The barkeeper shouted obscenities at us.

Asahara threw a punch that would probably knock the wall right over if she hit it, and I caught it, twisted her wrist in an attempt to break it. She spun around so fast, she actually lifted me right off my feet and I found myself flying back. I hit the wall hard myself, slid to the ground as pain shot through me.

No time to worry about that. I scrambled to my feet and jumped to the side, just as she landed right where I'd been seconds before. She was fast. Goddamn was she fast. And she came right after me, swinging blow after blow that could take my whole head right off. Once she actually clipped my jaw with her knuckles, and my whole head snapped back.

I staggered, righted myself, and twirled my shakujou around, nearly decapitating a bar patron as my blade and chain flew right for Jade.

She jumped straight up in the air so my attack missed completely, and the next thing I knew, she was on the ceiling, just like the cockroach I'd seen earlier, and she was crawling right toward me.

"Goddammit." I caught the chain on my wrist and it wrapped around my forearm. As soon as I was in control of it again, I threw it, hoping to sever her at the waist.

Fucking girl reached out and caught it like it was just a stupid Frisbee. Then she jerked, twisted it around, and threw it right back at me.

I yelped, but there was nothing I could do. This was it. The end of my life—killed by two of my favorite things: a woman and my own fucking shakujou.

To my surprise, it didn't cut through me like butter. Instead I found myself wrapped from waist to bicep in the chain of my own weapon.

She dropped down in front of me. "Oh no. Who has who?"

Damn bitch. She thought she was pretty clever. No way.

I let go of the shaft of my shakujou and it disappeared, leaving me free again. Then I took advantage of her shock and kicked her as hard as I could under the chin. She flew up and back, fell flat on her back on a table. The table legs buckled and broke and the whole stupid thing collapse.

Moments later, I was on her. I grabbed her collar and dragged her up and hit her as hard as I possibly could in the face. I'd never hated a woman so much in my whole life.

Jade took it for a second, then she got her bearings and kicked me right where it counts.

Strangling a cry of pain, I staggered back.

She backhanded me and I felt like she'd broken the whole right side of my face.

Damn this was such a shitty week.

To steady myself, I gripped at a table, found the familiar shape of a glass ashtray. "God…damn…bitch." I threw it, twisting my wrist to give it a deadly spin, and reveled in the sound of the thick glass hitting her thick skull.

She half-way screamed, and when she looked at me again, blood was oozing from her forehead. "All right, pretty boy, that's it!"

Jade ran full tilt at me, but I stood my ground. One of us was going down, and it sure as hell wasn't going to be me. I got ready to defend.

She flung her arms around my chest.

I buried my fist in her gut.

We both crashed back through the window, out into the cool, night air, skidded a few feet across the gravelly side walk, and lay there.

When the dust cleared, I could feel the cold pinch of something sharp against my throat, and then I saw that she had a knife.

Weird. If she'd had a weapon the whole time why hadn't she used it?

She was shaking all over, and her face was furious. I just wanted to laugh. I'd gotten her pretty good before she killed me.

"Dammit you!" She screamed in my face. "I just want to know where Sanzo is!"

"So go ahead and kill me. Then you'll never know."

"I don't want to kill you, you idiot!"

"Right. You wanna' kill Sanzo. I know. Sorry, can't let ya' do that either."

"I don't want to kill him either. I just want to talk."

"What? Hopin' he'll give you Hakkai in marriage or something?"

She grinned suddenly, and I could see she was really a youkai woman. There was something so cold and animalistic in her face, even with the limiter on. Something that reminded me of Mom. "Half-breed. You certainly are outrageous for a half-breed, Sha Gojyo. Your kind should go through life with your eyes to the ground and your heads bowed, but you walk like a cocky little rooster, just waiting for all the fat, stupid hens to flock to you. You should be ashamed of that disgusting hair of yours—wear it like a flag of shame—but you grow it out like it's something to be proud of. Of all the things I've ever had to be, I thank the gods I was not born one of you. Not born a curse to all peoples. An abomination to friends and family and the very human and youkai races."

I wasn't sure what to say next. It was a wordy spiel, and I was annoyed by it, but most of it was true, so there was nothing for me to say.

She went on. "You deserve to die, not just for the outrage of fighting the Asahara in a common, human bar, but for having the audacity to be born a hybrid and yet to still walk with your head held high. But." She licked her lips. "I like you. You're like a small, burning flame. The world will blow you out some day—that's the way the world is—but I can't bear to finish such a pathetically impudent thing by my own hand."

I closed my eyes, wishing she'd just shut up now. I was insulted enough already, and I couldn't stand to hear her say anything else.

"Now I'll ask one more time, Flaming Heart." She all but whispered. "Where is the Sanzo?"

"If you're not gonna' kill him then what do you want?"

"I need to speak to him." She pulled the knife away at last, obviously assuming I'd cooperate now that she'd bashed every bit of pride I had.

"What about?"

"About Ryptcore and the DethBreed. I want to make a deal with Sanzo—and if he doesn't accept it, you and your friends won't live another day."

When I heard that I did cooperate. I didn't know what this crazy whore had to do with that mess, but it seemed worthwhile to find out.

Maybe it was stupid to take her back to the inn we were staying at, but I'd just fought her on my own and survived. If anything, it would be to her disadvantage to be there with all four of us. I just had to trust my instincts.

I banged hard on Sanzo's door. My fist was already bruised, and it hurt a little, but I ignored it. "Sanzo! C'mon man, wake up!"

From deep inside I heard a muffled, "Go away."

"No. This's important!"

"Go away or I'll kill you, Gojyo!"

"So come out here and kill me!" It was such a shitty night. All these death threats, and no sex to make it better.

"Goddamn you, Kappa."

Behind me, I heard the door to Hakkai's room open. "Gojyo, it's three o'clock in the morning, what on earth are you—" he stopped.

I looked at him.

"What is she doing here?" His voice had gone deathly still, and he had that scary-ass look on his face that made me want to run and hide.

"Only one person she'll tell. Sanzo! Get your ass out here! I'm bleeding like a stuck pig and I'd like to know why!"

Hakkai drifted closer to me, "Are you all right?"

"Yeah, just great, Hakkai."

"Maybe I should have gone with you after all—I thought you'd be chasing women, not getting into bar fights."

"Very funny, 'Kai. Dammit, for the last time, San-"

The door swung open and he was standing there looking tired and pissed as hell, his gun out. Goku was right behind him.

"-Zo. Hey. It's about time you opened the door." I eyed the gun warily, hoping he wouldn't decide to shoot the messenger. Getting shot would be the icing on the shitty cake of a day I'd been having.

He glared at me, "This had better be important, Gojyo, and not just one of your drunk ravings."

"I couldn't agree more." I glared at Jade. "All right, hot stuff. I got ya' to Sanzo, now start talking."

Sanzo and Goku noticed her for the first time. "Holy shit! Gojyo!" Sanzo aimed his gun. It had been a while since I'd seen him flustered like this, and it almost made me want to laugh. The girl was good at masking her youkai energy. Maybe if the situation had been different I would have laughed; the only thing was that if this crazy girl was here to kill us all then I was the idiot who'd messed up and brought her back to the home base.

Jade stepped out of the shadows. She still had the limiter on, but that didn't make her look any less dangerous. Her eyes seemed to glow in the dark.

"Hello, Sanzo." She smiled that icy grin. "Nice to see you again." Then she glanced at Hakkai, "You too, darling."

"What the heck do you want?" Goku demanded. He had his bo out. I wondered if he'd do better against her than I had. Probably. He wasn't drunk.

Actually, I was probably really lucky she'd let me live.

"What I want is to warn you and the rest of your ragged little team about a youkai who wants you all dead."

"Ryptcore." Sanzo yawned. "We've already heard about him and the DethBreed, so give me one good reason why we should leave you alive."

"Ah, so I see you've been listening to the rumors. Very good—that saves me a lot of breath."

"Please. You can't tell me you came here to warn us after you swore to kill me."

"Not necessarily, but maybe if you'd listen to what I have to say you'd hear something interesting. You see, Sanzo I have met General Ryptcore face to face, and I have looked into his cold eyes."

"What?" Goku squawked, looking at me like I could tell him if that were true or not. "Really? Why?"

She barely glanced at him, "Ryptcore is roaming the countryside from west to east, destroying villages and towns, slaughtering humans without eating them, taking whatever he wants and killing any youkai who refuse to join his army. He is a ruthless monster, and he'll stop at nothing to kill you, Sanzo."

"Wait a minute." The news was surprising to me, "He's recruiting youkai to his army?"

"That's right—that's how I met him. He found me and tried to force me to join him, but I refused and escaped. He wants the strongest youkai he finds to join him, and he's killing the weak ones."

"Why'd you say no?" Goku asked. I could hear suspicion in his voice. "If ya' joined him ya' could kill Sanzo."

"Two reasons, boy. Firstly, Jade the Asahara belongs to no one—this is my land. If you look out from the rooftop of this very building then all you see is mine. My land to roam as I please with my clan, my humans to hunt as I will, to spare as I will. It's a lot of territory for a single youkai, and many men have tried to take it from me, but I've fought them off one after another. I refuse to relinquish what is mine to anyone, even if it this monster and his hellish army."

So maybe she really wasn't berserk. She didn't seem berserk.

"And the second reason?" Sanzo demanded, but he sounded bored.

"Secondly, Sanzo, you four destroyed my entire clan—my brothers and my husband, all of my friends—and so vengeance on you belongs to me as well. I won't have this Ryptcore get in the way of that either."

Sanzo snorted, "What the hell do you want from me then? So you didn't join that guy. What do you want, a badge?"

"No." She spoke slowly. Finally we were going to figure out what she wanted, and then maybe flying through the window at the bar would be worthwhile. "I wish to join your party."

All of us were quiet—I don't think anyone was expecting anything like that. I sure as hell wasn't. "What?"

"Temporarily, of course. When this is over, I'll still be set on hunting you, Sanzo, but in the meantime, you might consider me a powerful ally. I know this region better than anyone, and I'm a brave and apt warrior, even for a woman. Together we will destroy Ryptcore, and he'll suffer for the crimes he's committed against both humans and youkai."

That was weird too. I just couldn't figure this tart out, but the more I heard from her the less I knew what to think. I sure as hell didn't trust her.

"No." Sanzo said simply.

Jade twisted her mouth into a displeased frown, "You might at least consider the offer before declining, Sanzo."

"I don't need to. The answer is no. Why would I join forces with you, even if you weren't going to try to kill me when it's over? We don't need your help to kill that bastard."

"You think not? Then perhaps you don't fully understand who you're dealing with. Ryptcore is twice as strong as I am. Twice as strong as anyone in your party. A million times more powerful than you, Sanzo. When he comes, you won't be able to hide behind your friends, or your pert attitude."

I couldn't help laughing at that.

Hakkai nudged me with his elbow.

Sanzo sounded pissed, "I don't need to hide behind these bastards or anyone else, especially not some incapable, little girl youkai. So the answer is no. We're going west. Ryptcore can do whatever the fuck he wants. If we happen to run into him, I'll kill him. Now get lost."

Jade's eyes shone bright green, and she stomped her foot a little, but her voice stayed calm and her mouth smiled, "Very well, I'll leave."

"Hn. Good. And for future reference, it's rude to visit someone at three in the morning."

The smile didn't fade, "Don't misunderstand me, Sanzo. I may be leaving for now, but the Asahara doesn't take no for an answer. I will join your party, and I will help you defeat Ryptcore. And when that's over, I will rip out your arrogant heart."

Then she turned around and marched back down the hall.

"Wow." I whistled. "What a crazy bitch."

"You." Sanzo turned on me, all but backing me into the wall. "What the fuck were you thinking, Gojyo? Why the hell did you bring her here?"

"Hey, hey, ease up man." I raised my hands a little, "It's not like I just bumped into her and was like 'let me take you to see Sanzo', alright?"

"Then how do you explain this?"

Was he serious? It wasn't like she'd beat it out of me, but anyone could see I'd at least put up a fight. I swiped the blood from the corner of my mouth, "What can I say? She was very convincing."

"So what? You brought her back here to save your own ass?"

Now that was insulting. I couldn't believe he thought I was that pathetic. "No." I snapped, feeling the anger from earlier surge to the surface again. "I brought her back here because she said she knew something about that psycho and his army—I thought it might be worth hearing."

"Well surprise, surprise, it wasn't."

"That's not my fault, you selfish dick!"

"Never bother me with something like this again, you waste of time."

"Hey, I was just trying to help the team, Master Sanzo! Besides, everyone's alive, so what's the big deal?"

"The big deal is that you're actually idiotic enough to bring an enemy back to where we're staying the night!"

I took a sharp breath and got ready to shoot off my next biting comment, but Hakkai cut in with a sigh, "Honestly, you two, it's three o'clock in the morning. Look where we are. Are you really going to start this right here and now?"

I glared at Sanzo, totally ready to throw down if I had to.

Sanzo just snorted, then turned to go back into his room, "Stay out of my way from now on, Gojyo."

"I ain't in your way."

He slammed the door in my face.

"Pieca' shit priest."

"Perhaps Sanzo's got a point this time, Gojyo."

I spun around, barely believing what I was hearing, "You're on his side?"

"You just might have considered the consequences before bringing her back here. Now she knows where were are."

Unfuckingbelievable. I guess I should have just let that bitch kill me rather than risking leading her anywhere near my goddamn teammates.

Hakkai casually rested a hand on my shoulder and I felt my wounds burning as they closed; then when I licked my lip the taste of blood was gone.

"I wish you'd be more careful from no on." He said. "Your carelessness is going to get you killed some day."

"Right. Now you're gettin' on me for my lifestyle, Hakkai?"

"Of course not—I know better." He finished healing me, and then headed back to our room, "I'd do better talking sense into a wall, I'm sure."

"Damn straight."

"Try not to stay out too long. We have to get moving early tomorrow."

The door closed and I leaned back against the wall with a sigh. "What a shitty day."

After a minute or two, I lit a cigarette and stood there thinking. Talk about being unappreciated. Here I'd gone and risked life and limb fighting that bitch, and for what? For the others to shake their heads at me and treat me like I was just some idiot they'd brought along for grunt work? No thanks. If there was anything about this suckfest of a journey that I was sick of it was taking orders from everyone and being treated like a low grade moron by everyone but Goku. I didn't ask to come on this stupid trip.

Maybe it was just because of what I was, something to do with being cursed.

_ Half-breed…your kind should go through life with your eyes to the ground…but you walk like a cocky rooster…_

That bitch actually thought I had some self-respect. That I was impudent for even daring to go out in public. Maybe I was. But if there was even a shred of self-respect in me, it was something I'd fought long and hard to get, something I'd struggled with ever since I was a kid. Ever since the first day my mother told me I was a worthless half-breed son-of-a-bitch and that no one would ever find any value in my existence, I'd been fighting to prove her wrong, and failing for as long as I could remember. If I really had any self-esteem to speak of I'd go find some woman to love me the way Kanan had loved Hakkai, not give myself away to any slut that would have me.

_ You're like a small, burning flame. The world will blow you out some day…_

That was me. If I'd learned anything from having this hair and these eyes it was that the world wasn't gonna' cut me any slack, and the only thing I could do was to say 'fuck you' and keep fighting. Whether or not I had any right to live had nothing to do with it.

Damn. I hated thinking about this shit, and I hated that bitch for bringing it up. She really knew how to get under a guy's skin.

Suddenly I wished more than anything that I was at home, in my own town playing cards with the guys I knew from the bar and chasing the local girls. I didn't want to be on this stupid trip anymore. I didn't want to die fighting Sanzo's holy war.

So what was there to keep me from leaving? What was to stop me from walking right out the door and into the east, toward the sunrise?

I already knew though. I already knew why I could never do that.

"Shit. I'm probably destined to die on this goddamn quest."


	6. Chapter 6

Sanzo

"I don't know how much more of this I can take." I muttered, as the car jolted over a bump. The morning wasn't going well, as far as I was concerned, not only did Hakkai seem distracted and was driving recklessly as a result, it had been much more difficult that usual to leave the town. The people displaced by Ryptcore and his army had clung to my robes and begged and cried for me to stay, but we couldn't be deterred. I just wanted this journey to be over as soon as possible.

I meant what I said. I didn't know how much more nonsense and idiocy I could handle. Between Gojyo being even more unbearable than usual, the she-demon who wanted to join us, and the youkai general who wanted to kill me, I felt like I didn't even have room to breathe. Not only was I leading the idiot brigade, babysitting a handful of misfit youkai and fighting for my life every day, my teammates were unbearable, and my enemies were dangerous. At times I felt like we'd never get to India.

One thing was for sure. When we finally did get there, I was going to make sure that whoever had started the revival wished they hadn't even thought about it.

"I know just how you feel." Hakkai said, even though I knew that there was no way he understood how I felt. "The people were certainly frantic to get you to stay, weren't they?"

I didn't want to think about those people or what would happen to them. I didn't want to be tempted to care. I just snorted.

"Oh well. They shoulda' known better than to count on Sanzo." Gojyo said suddenly.

Immediately I was irritated. He hadn't said much all morning, but just the sound of his voice reminded me of the stupid things he'd done yesterday. "I never said anyone could count on me."

"I know, right? You're a shitty excuse for a Priest."

"Gojyo." Hakkai warned him, a little too late.

I got up, bracing myself on the seat against the wind, and pointed my gun right at his face, "And you're a poor excuse for a half-Kappa, and unless you want to run to India, I highly suggest you keep your disgusting mouth shut. Or should I shut it for you?"

Gojyo just smiled which only annoyed me more. "Go ahead and shut it for me, Sanzo-chan; I might have more to say later on."

At that moment, it was very tempting to take him up on that—pull the trigger, and no more Gojyo to put up with. I struggled to think of a good reason not to.

I saw Goku watching us nervously and felt Hakkai's gaze as well. Gojyo just kept smiling. God it was all so unbearable.

"Don't get cocky." I jammed the barrel of the gun at his face, "And don't think I won't just dump you somewhere if you piss me off today."

"Fine. You win."

"Just shut up. I'm not in the mood for your bullshit, Gojyo." I sat back down, ignoring Hakkai's caustic expression. He'd been upset all day, so he likely would have been angry no matter what I did.

"What mercy." Gojyo sneered after a while. "What a fortunate, unworthy soul I am to be the recipient of Master Sanzo's forgiveness."

I ground my teeth and fired a shot into the air.

He was quiet after that—they all were—but only for a few minutes.

Goku seemed to forget that anything had happened and started whining, "Sanzo, I'm hungry."

Those words were so commonplace to me. Goku was always hungry, and I was getting a little tired of always being the one who had to fix it, "We just left the town three hours ago, Goku. We can't stop right now."

"Why not? I'm starving! 'Sides, you an' Gojyo are all pissy. We need a break. C'mon, Sanzo!"

"We don't have time, Goku. Now shut up."

"Please try to be patient, Goku." Hakkai stepped in. "Just a few more hours, and then we'll stop for some lunch. There's a little town on the way, so we should be able to eat somewhere nice."

"But I'm hungry now! Don't we have leftovers from the inn?"

Gojyo snapped, "No. You ate them all, remember?"

"Did not! You helped!"

"I was out all night!"

"That doesn't mean ya' didn't eat dinner!"

_ So not in the mood for this…_

"Both of you, shut up before I kill you!"

"Sanzo, c'mon, please? Justa' short break!" I felt him gripping my seat. "Please, please!"

Hakkai glanced at me, keeping one eye on the road, "It might be nice to take a short break in a while. After all, we didn't get to eat a substantial breakfast before leaving this morning."

My own stomach growled, but I hoped they didn't hear. I didn't have time to be hungry—I had to sort through the giant mess that was being woven around us, and I didn't have time to get involved in any of my physical needs, or in my teammate's emotional issues.

"One more hour." I relented. "Then we'll take a break. A short one."

"Yaaay! Thanks, Sanzo, you're the best!" Goku cheered, jumping a little in the seat.

"The best?" I heard Gojyo echo him quietly, "The best pisspoor example of a monk with a stick up his ass?"

I ground my teeth again, felt the gun still in my hand.

"Let it go." Hakkai advised me softly.

I tried to. Evidently, Gojyo was going too be insolent all day, and it was exhausting threatening him every time he said something impudent. Letting it go looked like the best strategy.

We drove for another hour. Everyone was surprisingly quiet as we drove. Apparently the dimwits in the back didn't feel like arguing today, and they'd run out of stupid road games to play. All the better, since I didn't have the patience to deal with their childish antics.

The only one who did much speaking was Hakkai, but he stuck to essential topics, like the route we were taking. In fact, the route was more or less the only thing he wanted to talk about.

We wound up driving into a somewhat remote, but sunny mountain pass. The air was crisp and clean, and I felt myself grudgingly beginning to relax. There we found a clearing on the side of a creek and sat down to eat. Even there, everyone stayed surprisingly quiet, and I noticed that Hakkai hardly ate at all.

At some point while we were sitting there, I noticed a shadow shifting through the trees. I knew it was that youkai woman, but there was nothing I could do about it as long as she didn't approach, so I just slipped into my annoyance and kept a wary eye open. If the others noticed, no one said so. Today, everyone seemed to be distracted. Hakkai kept staring out into the distance and toying with his limiter cuff, while Gojyo looked like he was brooding. As far as I could tell, Goku was just rattled by the dissention in the air.

Whatever. I didn't have time to worry about their problems.

After taking a twenty minute break to eat, we got back into the Jeep and continued up the pass. I stayed lost in thought for most of the drive, considering the strange things that had been going on lately, especially the most recent occurancs: Hazel's bizarre message about Ryptcore, and the female youkai's request to join forces with us. I found the news about Ryptcore disturbing, even though I was trying not to show it, and of course letting the other youkai join us was out of the question. All that running off about keeping your friends close but your enemies closer was bullshit. I didn't want my friends or my enemies anywhere near me.

Ahead of us, I saw that there was a fork in the road. One path wound its way up through the mountain and back into the thick, dark trees. The other was shorter and led to the wide mouth of a dark cave.

Hakkai stopped and consulted the map. He looked at it a while before murmuring, "How odd. This cave doesn't appear to be on the map, Sanzo."

"So? Keep driving up the pass then."

"Yes, but-"

"What? No, let's explore!" Goku chimed in. "Maybe there's somethin' awesome in there!"  
"We're not explorers." I reminded him as patiently as I could. "We're on an important mission."

"I know, but we could still use some fun, right? What if there's somethin' way cool in that cave? Like treasure!"

"Then we're going to miss it."

"Awe, Sanzo, what's the big deal?"

"The big deal is that we're way too good at getting sidetracked, Goku, and we're on an important trip."

"Fine." He slouched back in his seat, looking disappointed.

Hakkai switched gears and started to roll forward, toward the pass.

Gojyo stood up suddenly, "Wait."

"Wait for what?" I snapped.

He pointed back toward the cave, "Look."

Reluctantly, I followed his gesture, just in time to see a man emerge from the cave.

"Who's that?" Goku asked quietly.

"Hn. How the hell should I know?" I snorted, but I couldn't help staring. Something about the man seemed weird. He was tall—too tall to be natural. His head was shaved and his upper body was bear, and he had scars all over all over his face and torso. His ears were long and sharp.

"Is that a youkai?"

"It appears to be. But is he alone?" Hakkai sounded nervous, which I thought was pretty odd in itself.

The youkai reached and pulled something from behind his back; I assumed he had a sword strapped there, but then he slung over the top of his shoulder and aimed it at us, and I could see it was a gun of some kind. Like a grenade launcher.

"Holy fuck!" Gojyo yelled.

"Jeep Transform!" Hakkai's nervous voice had escalated to panic.

I heard Jeep chirp, and then the seat I was sitting on was suddenly gone, and we were all sprawling in the dirt. The others scrambled to get out of the way, and Hakkai grabbed my arm, dragging me to my feet and screaming something I didn't catch.

There was a loud boom, and then an explosion that shook the ground and launched us all forward, and much to my annoyance, I found myself face down in the dust, Hakkai practically on top of me. A deep, dark laugh echoed around me, and I turned around to look at the youkai.

He was marching toward us, the grenade launcher still aimed, a twisted smile on his mouth. I could see that his eyes were purple, like mine, but there was something deranged about them.

The others were getting to their feet, and I stood up as well, digging my gun out and aiming it at him.

"Very brave, Genjyo Sanzo." He had a voice like someone scraping mud up from the bottom of a river. "But courage won't get you very far with me."

"An assassin?" Goku asked.

"He hasn't made any demands for the sutra." Hakkai mused, "In fact, if his attack had succeeded the sutra would be gone. In that case, could this possibly be General Ryptcore?"

"Close, Cho Hakkai." The man said. He was just a few yards from us now, "The name is Xiong. I'm Ryptcore's first officer. His right hand man."

"You are?" Gojyo looked him up and down, "An ugly bastard like you?"

"I'd watch my words if I were you, Sha Gojyo. A mutt like you has no place to make personal comments."

Goku stepped forward, nyoi bo ready, "I don't care who ya' are. If ya' came ta' kill Sanzo you'll have ta' get through me first, ass-face."

That just made Xiong laugh, "Oh no, don't hurt me, Son Goku—I wouldn't want to anger the Sage Who Equals Heaven."

This bastard seemed to know everything about us. Maybe this Dethbreed was a bigger threat than I originally thought.

"Now." He grinned, revealing yellowed teeth that had been filed into points, like a piranha's. "All of you prepare to die."

He fired the grenade launcher again and the tree I'd been standing next to went up in a mushroom cloud of fire and smoke. I barely managed to move in time. "Dammit!"

I rushed to crouch behind a rock and aimed my gun at him, firing several times. Xiong stepped out of the way like I was tossing Frisbees at him. "Goddammit."

He aimed that thing at me. I dove. The rock exploded into a million shards of granite. He kept firing, one round after another, the grenades hitting right behind me and exploding. Boom. Boom. Boom.

In the confusion, I ran headlong into Gojyo. We both fell down hard, writhing there and trying to get away from each other.

"You motherfucker!"

"Sonnova bitch! Goddammit, Sanzo!"  
"You two!" Hakkai yelled. I heard his voice but I didn't see him anywhere, "Move!"

I scrambled up, tripped and rolled behind a large boulder. Gojyo jumped over me and crouched there as well. Hakkai and Goku were already there. Goku's head was bleeding and Hakkai's clothes were torn. I felt dirty and tattered as well, and the fight had only just begun.

"Any ideas?" Gojyo demanded.

"I'm sorry to say this, but it looks like direct attacks might be the only effective method of dispatching him." Hakkai said. "My chi and Sanzo's gun haven't been working. He simply dodges.

"Direct attacks. Got it." Gojyo got up, "That's you an' me, Goku."

"Right!" Goku sprang up too, and before we could stop them, they both ran off.

"Wait a minute!" Hakkai called after them. "We need to make a strategy."

It was too late. I dared to look up over the rock to see how they'd fair.

Goku ran in and jumped up high over Xiong's head, swinging down at him, while Gojo ducked under the grenade launcher and swiped at his face with the blade of his shakujou.

Xiong turned his head to the side so that Gojyo's attack barely missed, and then took a step back so Goku simply smashed the ground, creating a huge crater on impact. Dirt and rocks and all kinds of debris went flying.

"Holy shit!" Gojyo stared at the crater. "That was almost my head, you dumb monkey!"

"Well maybe ya' shouldn't get in my way!"

"Maybe you should watch where you swing that thing!"

Unbelievably. Xiong was standing right there behind them, and they were going to start bickering?

"Idiots!" I lifted my arm over the boulder, aiming with my gun again, "Don't just stand there!"

Xiong swung both his arms out like a gorilla, and hit the two of them at the same time. Goku went flying in one direction, flipping around and digging his staff into the ground to steady himself, while Gojyo went in the other, slamming back into a tree, cussing profusely.

In the same instant, they sprang back at Xiong, each of them kicking high, trying to get him in the face. He was about nine feet tall, so they weren't having much luck.

Hakkai jumped over the boulder, "It appears this won't be as easy as I thought. Excuse me, Sanzo." He rushed off to fight as well.

"Damn." I stood up, aiming carefully. Maybe if the other three distracted him I'd be able to get a shot in. If I hit his head, it just might be enough to finish him.

It was hard aiming with the others out there, fighting and getting in the way, and I had to stop myself from pulling the trigger several times. Still, no matter how fiercely they were attacking, I couldn't help shake the feeling that they were just flies buzzing around Xiong's face.

Xiong screamed. At first I thought one of them had injured him. Then the ground began to shake and a strange, purple wind started to blow. The ground beneath his feet crumbled a little, leaving him standing in a shallow, bowl-shaped pit. With another shout and a sudden, violent gesture with his arms, my teammates were suddenly blown back, and then Xiong charged, rushing right at me. For a moment, I was so startled, I couldn't react. Then I started to fire my gun over and over. I only had five shots left, and I fired them all, one after another.

The youkai darted to the right, then to the left. One bullet scraped his bare arm and I saw a splurt of red-violet blood. It didn't slow him down.

He was right in front of me then. Like he'd just appeared there. His mouth was still grinning that hideous, yellow smile. "Hello, Sanzo."

I squeezed the trigger.

Xiong's fist hit me right in the face. I felt my body lift up and fly through the air, pain exploding through my skull. I hit the ground hard and skidded a couple feet. Dust rising up around me. The gun was rattled out of my grip. When I opened my eyes, Xiong was standing over me, laughing, "This was all too easy."

"Get away from him!" Goku sprang out of nowhere and kicked Xiong as hard as he could in the back of the neck.

The youkai cried out, and this time I knew it was from pain; he staggered forward, tripping over me and falling in a heap not far off.

"C'mon, Sanzo!" Goku pulled me up.

The others were standing there, tattered, breathing hard, but they looked ready to keep fighting.

I swung around, eyes searching for my gun. It was lying a few feet away, the silver shining in the sunlight. I dove on it. Xiong got up. He swung at me. I barely managed to dart back, balancing my attention between my gun and my enemy.

He came forward, jabbing and kicking at me. I ducked his fist and dodged his other attacks, each time getting out of the way in the nick of time.

The others came at him again, swinging their weapons and shouting. Goku swung at his legs, trying to break his knees, but he jumped over it, ducked just in time to let Gojyo sail over him. He turned around and bashed Hakkai in the face with his elbow before he could do anything. I finally got to my gun, aimed and fired.

Nothing happened. I remembered it was empty, began fumbling for the bullets.

I had only just gotten one in when I felt someone standing behind me, whirled around and stuck the gun in their face.

The Ashara smiled at me impudently, "What a greeting. Hello, Sanzo."

"You? What the fuck are you doing here?" I realized for the first time that my mouth was bleeding, and I had to sputter through the blood.

"I came to help you of course. I said that I would." Gracefully, she stepped past me; I watched her, but I couldn't decide if this was a good thing or not. She smiled and winked at me over her shoulder, "You're next." Then she jumped into the fight, going at Xiong's face with her claws.

He saw her coming and punched her in the stomach, and she crumpled to the ground. A moment later, the others were there too. They all got up again, standing shoulder to shoulder, holding their weapons, but they kept their distance.

"Good to see you again." Jade smiled at Hakkai, wiping some blood off her lips.

I saw how unhappy he was to see her, "What do you want, Asahara?"

"Just to help."

"Great." Gojyo snarled, "You got an idea how to beat this guy?"

"No. But if you fight him as hard as you fought me last night, and your comrades do the same, I think there shouldn't be a problem."

Goku stared at Gojyo, "You fought her?"

"What did you think I did with her?"

"No time for that." Hakkai crouched. "Here he comes."

I watched in disbelief as they all attacked again. This Xiong guy was definitely one of the strongest enemies any of us had ever face. One-on-one, I'd be no match for him. Not even Hakkai would be. Hell, not even Goku. Not with their limiters on. All five of us together though should be able to do it.

"Fuck it." I dropped my gun, and ran to join them. I slammed against him, hit him in the stomach as hard as I could. It felt like hitting a wall.

Xiong stumbled back. Goku hit him with his whole body, bashing him in the face with his knee. Hakkai was right there behind him. He struck him square in the kidney with his elbow, and Xiong doubled over from the pain.

"All right!" Gojyo laughed, he swung his shakujou around and slung the chain at Xiong, "Now we're talkin'!"

The blade whistled through the air and sliced into the youkai's arm.

"You insects!" Xiong jumped back, wielding his grenade launcher again. "You'll never defeat me. Not even if there's an army of you!"

"We'll see about that." Goku ran at him. He and Jade hit at the exact same moment, knocking Xiong back so that he stumbled into the mouth of the cave.

Goku kept going, smiling. "It's the end of the line for ya', ugly!"

"Cocky idiot." I yelled, "Goku, watch it!"

I shouldn't have. My voice distracted him, and Xiong grabbed him by the ankle, swung him around and slammed him against the wall of the cave. Goku fell to the ground, rocks tumbling down around him.

"Goku!"

"Crap…" Goku forced himself to get up. He looked like that attack had really hurt.

Xiong had his grenade launcher ready to go, aiming it right at Goku. "I remember now. You're Genjyo Sanzo's little pet, aren't you, boy? Let's see how well he fairs without you."

I was too far away: I couldn't help him. Hakkai and Jade were standing off the side—there was no way Hakkai would get there in time. This just couldn't be happening.

Gojyo skidded in from the other side—I'd almost forgotten about him. The worthless kappa knocked Goku back, "Move it, kid!" Then he stabbed one of the rocks directly above him with his weapon and twisted. It was just enough to break it loose, and immediately a torrent of boulders came raining down.

Xiong fired. The grenade flew forward. It hit one of the boulders as it was falling. There was a bright explosion and a ringing boom of thunder. Xiong was blown backward, his body skidding across the dirt. The mouth of the cave all but blew apart, rocks coming down all the harder, blocking the entrance.

"Gojyo, Goku!" Hakkai ran toward the cave, but it was too late. The cave mouth was completely sealed.

I ran too. Hakkai and I reached the pile at almost the exact same time, beating on the rocks and pulling some away.

"Dammit!"

"Gojyo! Goku! Can you hear me?"

"Goddammit! Idiots! You idiots!" I clawed at a handful of dirt. Pulled loose a rock and dropping it.

Jade stepped up next to us, "There's no time for this! He's still alive!"

I looked over my shoulder. Xiong was getting up, barrel of his grenade launcher smoking, one half of his face all but blown off. He was bleeding and panting.

"In that case let's finish him." Hakkai turned away from the mouth of the cave, that piercing, angry look on his face. "What do you say, Sanzo?"

"I say send him to hell." I took a step forward, beginning to chant.

"In that case, I shall distract him for you." With that, he leapt forward, chi flowing from his hands.

Asahara lingered a moment, looking at me with glittering eyes, and then she loped after Hakkai, her own purple chi beginning to glow on her fingertips.

I watched them light into Xiong, hitting him hard and then again, in the face and the stomach; it was incredible how well they were working together, playing off one another's attacks, fighting like a pair of wolves—like a couple of animals. I couldn't be distracted by that though.

Jade managed to knock Xiong down, and Hakkai stepped on his throat, "Now, Sanzo!"

With a shout, I released the Makai Tenjyo, feeling the holy power flowing through my body, rushing forward like a tidal wave. Hakkai dove out of the way. In a blinding flash, it hit.

The explosion echoed through the hills around us.

When the smoke cleared, I stepped forward, hands tucked in my robes, looking at the body, searching for any signs of life. Xiong was just laying there, his body a gory mess of burnt flesh and stringy muscle. His face was mostly intact, eyes wide and staring, mouth frozen open, capturing his final moment of pain.

"He's dead." Hakkai said, coming to stand beside me. "I guess the Makai Tenjyo was what we should have tried in the first place."

"Feh. Good riddance."

"Do you think he was really Ryptcore's first officer?"

I shrugged.

"He was." Jade answered. She was a few feet away, hands behind her back, smiling. "I met him before. Cruel bastard."

I didn't have time to waste paying attention to her. Now that Xiong was dead, we had a new problem to sort through.

Without a word, I turned around and walked back to the cave, staring up at the mountain of debris that was in my way.

"Those idiots." I started to dig. "They'd better not be dead in there."

Hakkai joined me, "I quite agree. After all, if this was just the first officer, I believe we might need their help fighting Ryptcore."

Ryptcore. Great. Just great.

"I don't know how much more of this bullshit I can take."

For a few minutes we dug in silence, but I knew we weren't making much progress, and the longer it took, the more certain I was that we were going to find them buried under the rocks. I tried to tell myself I didn't care. I tried to tell myself that it shouldn't matter. Still, the more I dug, the more frantic I felt, and I knew that I did care. At least a little.

"You're wasting your time." Asahara said. She was sitting on a stump, just watching us, and the distance she kept between us made me feel like she was an animal, observing us with wild eyes.

"They're not dead." I snapped.

"Undoubtably, Priest. The half-blood is harder to kill than a cockroach, and your little boy is famous for his strength and technique in battle. It would take more than a little rock shower to kill them."

For some reason it annoyed me that she was talking about Goku and Gojyo as if she knew them.

"Then what do you mean?" Hakkai asked.

She got up and drifted closer, moving so gracefully she almost seemed like she was floating, "I'll tell you, love. See, you might recall, this is my land, and this is my mountain. I've been this way many times before. This cave leads through the mountain and into a valley on the other side."

"So what?" I spat, still digging.

"There's another way around the cave." Her shone eyes as she pointed to the road we'd meant to take all along. "That road will take you due west, the way you're trying to go, but if you want to see your friends again-"

"They aren't my friends."

"If you want to see FlamingHeart and the Seiten Taisei again, you must go south. And I can show you the way to go."

Hakkai got up, "Why should we trust you?"

"Ryptcore will be coming soon." She said slowly. "He likely knows already that his officer has been killed—he no doubt has spies all around—so he'll be coming for you himself, mark my words. You will need the help of the other two if you wish to defeat him. Now you can either stay here and keep digging, and Ryptcore will seize the opportunity to kill the two of you and then go find the others. Or you can trust me and be reunited by this very night. Suit yourselves."

She was walking away, heading for a wall of shrubbery, which she simply pushed aside like a curtain, and disappeared behind.

I looked at Hakkai, and he looked at me.

"What should we do, Sanzo?"

I shook my head and held my gun tightly, "Like we got a choice?"


	7. Chapter 7

Goku

I woke up with Gojyo slumped against me, his head heavy on my shoulder. The right half of my body was cold and my fingers felt numb. My eyes burned when I opened them. Slowly, I looked at him; he was just there, leaning against me, eyes closed, a line of blood running down from beneath his headband, over the bridge of his nose.

We were in the cave I guess. It was dark and cold, and I heard water dripping all around us. Then I realized I was lying half way in a puddle, and that's why half my body was numb.

"Gojyo." I nudged him. "Wake up."

He didn't answer. I tried not to freak out. That was real hard though. Gojyo was such a jerk all the time, but when it came down to it, I knew I could count on him.

I sat up, rubbing my head, and tried to remember what had happened. The details were fuzzy, but I knew he'd pushed me out of the way just in time; another second standing in the same place and I would have been crushed.

Even if I couldn't remember anything else, I knew he'd saved my life, so I had to do what I could for him. I shook him. "Gojyo, c'mon. Wake up."

This time he moaned and I watched his eyelids flicker as he opened them. He stared at me.

There was something weird about Gojyo's eyes. There always had been. I guess it's 'cause they were red. Whatever it was, they always creeped me out a little. Today though, I was so hungry, all I could think was that they looked like two apples.

"Where're we?" He mumbled, sitting up too.

"Idunno. In the cave, I guess." I watched him swipe the blood from his face. He looked at it and wrinkled his nose, then rubbed it off onto his pants.

"Oh, that's right…"

I looked up at where the entrance had been, but it was completely blocked by a pile of boulders now. Sanzo and Hakkai were probably on the other side, but I couldn't even hear them. What about Xiong? Were they still fighting him? We'd had so much trouble, even with all four of us, how were they gonna' fight him without us. My legs ached a little as I stood up, "Sanzo an' Hakkai…what 'bout them? What 'bout Xiong?"

Gojyo didn't answer.

"Crap! Gojyo, they need us! They've still gotta' fight that guy!"

He still wasn't saying anything.

I was irritated, but I didn't have time to worry about it. I threw myself against the nearest boulder and pulled at it, "C'mon! We gotta' hurry! We gotta' help 'em!" I grabbed one of the biggest rocks I could and pulled it loose, and then another.

"Stop, Goku. Wait. Stop."

"Shaddup, Gojyo! They need us!" Another rock.

"Goku wait a minute."

"There's no time! That guy's gonna' have 'em for breakfast if we don't get outta' here." I barely noticed a rumbling starting from above me.

"Shit. Goku, cut it out!" he grabbed my arm. "Stoppit, think about what you're doing! This wall is the only thing holding the cave up right now—if you tear it down we'll both be crushed, maybe Sanzo and Hakkai too! You want that?"

"But-"

"Listen kid." I felt his hand firm on my shoulder, "Just calm down, okay? We're gonna' find a way out of here."

"But Sanzo an' Hakkai-"

"They'll be okay. They don't need us."

"Don't need us? Gojyo, you saw how strong that creep was! How're Sanzo an' Hakkai gonna' take 'im on alone?"

He just shrugged at me, "Be real. Those two guys are the toughest assholes I know."

"Well, yeah, but-"

"I promise when we get outta' here we'll go find them, all right? But we can't help anybody if we're pancakes. So just get a grip, and come on."

I stared back at him. He had a really weird look on his face. It was…serious. Too serious for Gojyo. But I knew he was right. There was nothing we could do for the others while we were in here, but we couldn't do anything at all if we both got flattened. I just had to try to get a grip. "All right." I let go of the rock I was pulling on, reluctantly.

He nodded. "All right."

"So…What now?"

His lighter flicked and flared as he lit a cigarette, and the smell of tobacco filled the air.

"I mean, we ain't really trapped in here, are we?"  
"Maybe not. Guess the only thing we can do is go the other way and hope we run across an exit instead of a bear. Then we can go back and help the guys."

An exit. I hadn't even thought of that—but my thinking was a little screwed up right now anyway. Behind us, I could see what looked like a long, dark hallway that went back into the mountain. There wasn't even a slight glimmer of light on the other side. "A bear? Ya' really think there could be a bear in here?"

"Who knows?"

It shouldn't have been a big deal, even if there was a bear. We spent all kinds of time killing youkai, so a bear would be easy to deal with. I thought.

Gojyo moaned and I looked back at him. He was starting to take a step, but it looked like he was going to fall over. I put a hand on his shoulder, "Ya' okay?"

"Nn. Just got knocked in the head."

I waited a second, feeling bad that he had got hurt trying to help me. "Ya' shouldn'ta' done that…"

"Damn straight I shouldn't've. At least if I hadn't, you'd be bear food, and I'd get to go sleep with that chick from the bar."

"I mean…ya' didn't hafta'."

"Guess I coulda' let you get killed instead."

"Gojyo…"

"Don't kid yourself, kid. If I hadn't of done that, you'd be lunch meat right now."

Lunch meat. Why did he have to use food? "Man." I groaned, "I'm so hungry."

"Well who knows?" He turned to look down the hallway, flicking ashes from his cigarette, "There could be an all you can eat buffet down there."  
I looked too, but I felt doubtful, "Ya' think so?"

"Sure." He started to walk. "Let's go fill our plates."

A little longer, I stood there, watching him walk away, and then I realized, I didn't really want to go down the hallway to whatever was on the other side. I wanted to stay where I was. I wanted to hope that we could dig our way out and get back to Sanzo and Hakkai, or that they could get through to us somehow. But I couldn't. 'Cause if I did, Gojyo would just walk down that hall alone, and who knew what would happen to him?

One last time, I looked at the rocks blocking the entrance, just hoping…

"Oi, monkey. You comin' or what?"

"Mmhm. Yeah." I turned to follow.

We walked for forever. The cave was a lot bigger than I thought, the hallway was wicked long, and it was cold and dark. Every time I thought we'd be coming to the end, there'd be more. A lot more. Miles more. Every mile took us farther from Sanzo and Hakkai.

"Man. Is it just me or is this place getting' darker?" Gojyo had his lighter out, holding it like it was supposed to help us find our way. I think even he knew it wasn't doing anything.

"I'm soo hungry."

"Yeah, yeah. I know. Just shut up, we'll get food soon."

"Where?"

"At a takoyaki stand."

I could tell he was just annoyed with me. I looked up at him—he still had that really serious look on his face. It was still weird. He'd been weird the last few days anyway. I remembered the fight they'd gotten into yesterday. Then I realized I never got a chance to ask him what was up."What's goin' on with ya' and Sanzo?"

"What'dya' mean?"

"You've just been fightin' a lot lately, right? Why?"

"Oh, that. I don't know. We've just been under each other's skin I guess."

"That's a sucky reason."

He didn't answer.

I hated it when Sanzo and Gojyo fought for real. If they were just pissing and moaning like usual I didn't care. But when it was a serious argument, I couldn't help worrying. It made me feel like I should take someone's side, even when I didn't know whose side to take.

"Don't worry about it, Goku. It's not a big deal."

"Seems like a big deal ta' me."

"You're a kid—it'll make more sense when you grow up."

I got really sick of him blaming everything on the fact that I was a kid. "I'm not that much younger than ya', stupid, kappa, kappy-face."

Gojyo snorted. "Whatever. You're just a little baby."

"I ain't a baby!" I shoved him.

I was surprised when Gojyo didn't insult me back. He just glanced over his shoulder, back the way we'd come and drawled, "Fine. You win." It reminded me of how Sanzo had stuck the gun in his face this morning. For a minute, I'd been scared that he was really gonna' shoot him. Then he'd said it, just that way. Givin' up so easy. _Fine. You win._

Gojyo had seemed weird all morning. He didn't wanna' argue or tease me or joke or anything. Did something happen or was it all 'cause of Sanzo?

They were arguing so much—I just didn't understand it. It made me think if they kept fighting like this it was gonna' split our group in two. That was the last thing I wanted.

It was something I couldn't explain, but this sense of belonging, this sense of having friends and being wanted and having people to care about me, it was…familiar. Even though I couldn't remember ever having anything like it before. It was something I didn't want to lose. Ever.

"Hey." I didn't look up at him. "You're not gonna' leave us, are ya'?"

"Leave? Why the hell would I leave?"

"I dunno… the way you an' Sanzo have been…like ya' can't stand ta' be together no more… I just worry you're gonna' take off."

He didn't answer.

"You're not, right?"

"No." He mumbled. "Even if I wanted to, where would I go? The world's not exactly welcoming youkai with open arms."

But he wasn't a youkai. Not really. I didn't know. Gojyo's situation was something that always confused me a little. Mostly I didn't get why being half of two things made him less important than either of them. I guess he was right though. With the stuff going on right now, there wasn't any place for him, or me an' Hakkai either. "Dya' think we'll be able ta' go home when this is over?"

Gojyo looked down at me, "Whadya' mean? Home?"

"Like, back to the temple, an' back ta' your house. Dya' think people will accept us the way they used ta'?"

"I don't know, kid."

The priests at Sanzo's temple had already hated the fact that I was living there. If they knew I was a youkai, I felt like they'd chase me off.

_ Maybe Sanzo won't let 'em._

It was the same problem for Hakkai and Gojyo. They lived in a human village. If their neighbors found out they were youkai would they still accept them?

"Seems like we're all better off together." I looked up at him as we kept walking, "Don't ya' think?"

Hopefully he knew that too. Hopefully he realized leaving wouldn't get him anywhere, so he wouldn't.

For so long, Gojyo didn't answer, I started to worry that he wouldn't; I wondered what that meant if he didn't. At last he grinned at me and ruffled my hair, "Man, punky, you're really tense today, huh?"

"It's just I'd miss ya'…if ya' left."

"Don't sweat it, monkey." He put his arm around my neck, "I'm not goin' anywhere. 'Kay?"

I smiled back at him, feeling relieved, "'Mkay."

"Okay. Now let's forget this sappy, bullshit conversation and just get outta' this place. I'm freezing my balls off."

"I think I see some light."

"What? Where? I don't see anything."

"Right there." I pointed. It looked like the hall was coming to an end, and I could see a dot of white light.

"Damn. That still forever away. I'm getting sick of this cave."

"Me too." I started to walk a little faster, getting a few feet ahead of him. "It's creepy."

"D'awwe. Is the monkey scared of the dark?"

"Shaddup! I ain't scared! I just…" my mind raced as I tried to find a better explanation. Or a way to turn it back on him. "I'm hungry! You're the one who's scared!"

"Please. If you're scared just say so."

"Well if you ain't scared, you don't need your lighter."

"Don't even go there. I'm wasting good lighter fluid so you won't trip over your own feet in the dark."

"Right. Like you'd be so okay without it."

"For your information, I-"

He yelped suddenly, voice fading like he was getting further away really fast, taking the light with him.

"Gojyo?" I spun around to see what was wrong, but he was gone. Just gone. Like that. No sign of him anywhere. He'd been standing there just a second ago, now he was gone.

"Gojyo! Where are ya'? C'mon, this ain't funny! Gojyo!"

"Quit your screamin'. I'm okay."

His voice sounded far away, and it echoed a little. Like he was in a can or somethin'.

"Where are ya?"

"Down here."

I edged a little closer to where I could hear him, and then I could see the faint flickering of his lighter, but nothing else. He was about ten feet below me.

"Woah." I dropped to my hands and knees to look down at him. "What happened?"

"What'dya' think, genius?" He sounded irritated. "I fell. There's a hole there."

"A hole?" I couldn't see it, but as I reached forward, my hands found the edge, and I was able to follow it for a ways. It wasn't that big—probably just big enough for him to fall through. "Lucky I missed it."

"Right. Lucky you."

"What now? Dya' think ya' can climb back up?"

"No. It's too high."

"Can't ya' find somethin' ta' stand on?"

"There's nothing down here, Goku."

"Well whatdya' wanna' do?"

"I don't know. It looks like it goes further that way, but I…"

As he kept talking, I inched closer to the edge; I could keep going and find my own way out of the cave, but I didn't want to leave him here like this. Not if he was trapped. So I slid through, dropped a ways—it felt more like twenty feet than ten—and landed smoothly, almost on top of him.

"Holy shit!" Gojyo jumped back. I could see his face now, red eyes glittering from the lighter. "What the hell?"

"Thought I should join ya'." I grinned.

"You idiot! Didn't you hear what I just said?"

"What? No, guess not."

"I said stay up there, there's no point in both of us getting stuck down here."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Oh. Now what stupid?"

I turned to look up at where we'd fallen through. It was just a narrow hole, in the middle of the ceiling, no where near either of the walls. "There really isn't a way to climb back up?"

"No! What, you thought I was kidding? At least if you were still up there you could look for something to pull me up, or go find help. Now we're both stuck down here!"

That made me feel a little stupid, "Sorry."

"Sorry! What were you thinking?"

"I just…didn't wanna' leave ya' here by yourself."

He sighed. "That's real thoughtful, Goku, but how're we gonna' get outta' here?"

"Maybe I can stand on your shoulders or somethin'."

"Never mind. Maybe there's a way out further that direction."

I turned to look down the hall. It was even darker and narrower than the one above it, and there was a cold wind blowing from that way. I shivered. "Ya' think?"  
"It's our best chance." He started walking again. "Come on. I'm almost out of lighter fluid."

"What if ya' run out?"

"Hopefully I won't. You don't wanna' be around me when I can't have a cigarette."

"That's not what I meant."

"Well use your head. What'dya' think'll happen?"

We'd have to go stumbling through this cave in the dark. And who knew, there might be more holes to fall into too. I was starting to feel a little scared. But I didn't let it show. We kept walking, and talking. I did most of the talking, but Gojyo didn't tell me to shut up. I was grateful that if I had to go walking through a dark cave, with no idea where it led, I was at least with someone. I wondered if he felt that way too. If he did, he didn't say so. I guess he probably did. Why wouldn't he? Gojyo always needed to be with people—it was weird when he was by himself. I don't know why. Maybe 'cause I never saw him alone, no matter what. If he wasn't with us, he was with a girl. If he wasn't with a girl he was looking for one. Even when I thought about him living alone before Hakkai came, it was hard for me to really get my mind around. Gojyo didn't do alone.

He wasn't all that quiet either, so I was confused about why he was being quiet now. I didn't want to worry, but I couldn't help it. If he was being quiet did that mean something was wrong?

"Dya' think Sanzo an' Hakkai are okay?"

Gojyo nodded. I could barely see his red hair bouncing a little. "They'll be okay."

He sounded really sure, but I didn't know why. "Even if they get rida' Xiong, that lady…"

He snorted, "Y' mean that bitch."

"She helped us…but, dya' think… I mean, she wanted ta' kill Sanzo, what'dya' think she wants now?" I didn't want to think about it, but maybe they were fighting her now. Maybe they were losing. Maybe they were in trouble and we weren't there to help them. I hated that. I hated feeling useless.

"No." He almost sounded like he was talking to himself. "No. I don't think so. She said she wanted to join us, and then she…I don't know." He swiped at his hair with his free hand. "I'm sure they're fine. She said she didn't wanna' fight us until this Ryptcore asshole is out of the way. Plus she has a thing for Hakkai."

"A thing?"

"Like a crush."

"I know what'cha' meant." I said, annoyed that he thought I was that stupid. "Does she actually like him though, or somethin' else?"

"Can't tell."

Something about his tone… I wasn't great at reading people or their voices, but Gojyo's tone screamed that he didn't want to talk about this. Something about it bothered him. So I said, "That guy was crazy strong. Dya' think they can kill 'im by themselves?"

"Nn. Dammit. I don't know."

"What about that Ryptcore guy? He sent Xiong to kill us, why didn't he just do it himself? Ya' think he's stronger than Xiong?" That was scary to think about. Xiong had been strong—too strong—we almost hadn't been able to handle him. With my limiter off, I knew I could take him on, but I didn't want it to come to that. Ever. That thing. Whatever I was when my limiter was off. Why ever I went crazy. That wasn't me. It couldn't be.

"Don't worry about it, Monkey. We'll put that dick in his place, and then his boss too, we'll send the girlie packing, and we'll keep right on going west. Just like Master Sanzo said."

The part about 'Master Sanzo' sounded…I don't know. Sarcastic was the word I guess. He was still really pissed at Sanzo.

I sighed.

"Nothin' gets in the way of the Quest for the West."

"But that's good, ain't it?"

"Depends. Sanzo likes to overlook important shit just so we can keep moving…"

Sometimes. Sometimes Sanzo did that. "But he's just doin' his job."

Gojyo didn't answer.

This conversation felt…wrong. Somehow. It was so serious. I felt like something was missing. Actually, I felt like a lot of stuff was just out of place. It wasn't like we were in a lot of trouble or nothing. So Kougaji had sent an assassin to kill us. That wasn't new. That happened a lot. So this time the assassin was a little stronger than normal—we could still handle it. There was nothing to be scared of. That lady, the Asahara, she was tough, and she had a thing for Hakkai, but we could kick her butt when we needed to. Sanzo and Gojyo were fighting. So what? They were always fighting. Everything was normal. Everything was going the way it was supposed to. Stuff looked kinda' crappy right now, but it wouldn't always be like this. Right?

Gojyo stopped suddenly. I ran right into him.

"Owe! What'dya' stop for?"

I looked up at him: he was just standing there staring straight ahead, cigarette hanging out of his mouth, eyes focused on something. For the first time, I realized it was bright enough for me to actually see him.

I turned to try to see whatever he was looking at.

"Hey! We found the exit!" It wasn't a very big exit—it was just a hole in front of us that Gojyo could probably only barely squeeze through, but there was daylight on the other side.

"I was so busy thinkin', I didn't even notice!"

"Thinking?" He laughed. "About food?"  
"No!"

"That's all you ever think about."

"Is not!" Stupid Kappa. He always had to make fun of me, even when I was tryin' to be serious.

"Yeah, yeah. C'mon, chimpy, let's just get the hell outta' here." He started walking forward again.

No arguing with that. I was sick and tired of this stupid cave, and I wanted to try to find Sanzo and Hakkai as soon as we could.

Gojyo crawled out first. I worried he wouldn't fit, but he did.

I slid out after him.

Looking at the sun, I realized it had probably been about two hours since we got separated from the others. Who knew where they were now? Who knew if they'd finished Xiong or gotten killed by that chick. We couldn't go back the way we came either. I felt hopeless.

Gojyo somehow knew what I was thinking. He grinned, "Don't worry about it. They're fine." He still sounded confident, but I caught him looking over his shoulder a few times, like he was worried too.

We were in some kind of valley, I guess. There were lots of trees all around us, and I could barely see the ridge of the mountain above us, through the canopy. It looked like it was a long ways away.

"That must be where we woulda' come out of if we hadn't fallen through that hole." Gojyo muttered.

"You fell through, not me."

"That's right. You jumped."

"I was just tryin' ta' help ya', ya' stupid red roach!"

"In that case, don't do me any more favors."

What a jerk. I would have kept arguing, but then I noticed what was in front of us.

There were a bunch of trees and bushes and stuff, like the entrance to a forest, but there was also a wall. It was pretty tall, like twice as tall as Gojyo, made of chunks of gray stone piled up like brick.

"Woah, what's this?"

Gojyo laid his hand on the wall, "Looks like someone doesn't want people getting in."  
"In to what?"  
"How the hell should I know?"

He stood there a second, then he looked up through the trees again. "If that's the normal exit for the cave…maybe most people don't even know this is here in the first place."

"What, ya' mean like a secret place?"

"Something like that."

I studied the wall. "It doesn't look special."

"No. It's just a shitty wall."

I shifted back and forth. My curiosity was interfering with the desire to go find Sanzo and Hakkai. "What's on the other side?"

Gojyo shrugged, throwing down his cigarette. "Only one way to find out."

He jumped up suddenly and grabbed a branch that was hanging low over his head, and pulled himself up. I watched him grab onto the edge of the wall and climb up so he was standing on it. Then he disappeared on the other side.

"What about Sanzo?" I called.

"We'll find him later. C'mon."

I wondered, as I followed him, if Sanzo would wait for us that long, but I was too curious now to care. I wanted to know what the wall was for and why someone had gone to all the trouble of building it.

The other side looked normal too. Just a buncha' weeds and bushes and trees. I heard water rushing somewhere. Gojyo and I walked, being quiet now. I thought I could hear voices up ahead. Gojyo dropped his cigarette and crushed it out with his heel, and we kept walking. I stepped over a log so I wouldn't make any noise. There was a really faint feeling of youkai energy in the air, but there was something weird about it. It almost felt like…

"Gojyo." I stopped where I was.

He stopped too and was turning around, mouth open to talk to me, when someone sprang out of the bushes right next to me.

It startled me so bad, I tripped and fell back, almost running into another person, and before I knew it, we were surrounded.

"Shit!" Gojyo yelled.

I got my nyoi-bo out right away, and I saw Gojyo summon his shakujou, stepped in to stand back to back with him.

There were a lot of people around us—like twenty. I guess it wasn't a real big number, since we'd fought off a lot more youkai. We could each take ten and be just fine. But they weren't attacking us, and we weren't attacking them. We were all just staring at each other.

The guy right in front of me had bright red hair and bright red eyes. For a second, I thought was seeing things, but when I blinked it was the same. And then I noticed that the guy right next to him looked the same. And the guy next to him. And next to him. Everywhere I looked, it was red hair and red eyes, red hair, red eyes, red, red, red.

Just like Gojyo.

I looked up at Gojyo, just to make sure I wasn't losing my mind, but he was staring too, so I couldn't be. Then I realized I was right—the energy I was feeling was sort of like a youkai's, but it felt the same way Gojyo felt: a really weak youkai energy. Like there was a youkai really, really far away.

We were surrounded by half-breeds.

"Son of a bitch." Gojyo whispered. He said it again. "Sonnova' bitch…"

I didn't get what the big deal was. So they were half-breeds… they were still surrounding us, and now I noticed they were holding weapons too: swords, guns, knives, staffs, all kinds of crap that could take us apart if we let our guards down. "Gojyo." I said nervously. "What should we do?"

Gojyo didn't answer. He was just staring.

Maybe he'd never seen another half-breed before. Would that be weird for him? I guess maybe it would be a little.

I nudged him. "Gojyo."

A guy on my right moved so he was standing a little in front of the others. He was bigger than them too, kind of old. Not like, way old, but older than any of us. Like forty or fifty or somethin'. He had a really serious face, and a big sword. He put the tip of it under Gojyo's chin and tilted it up.

"Well, well." His voice reminded me of a river, even though it wasn't all that loud. "Look what the cat drug in. One of our own."

"Who the hell're you?" Gojyo demanded.

"Heh. Excuse me, kid, buy you're the one trespassing on our land, so I think the question here is who are you?"

"Name's Gojyo."

"Gojyo." The old guy sounded like the name was really important, and he looked Gojyo up and down again, like he was making sure he was real. Then he turned to me—his eyes got a funny look in them. Like anger or something stronger. "And that. What's that with you?"

"Who, me?" I'd been called 'that' before, being a youkai and everything, but the guy's voice confused me. He sounded like he hated me, but I'd never seen him before, so why would he?

He didn't answer me. That was sort of a jerk move too.

"Him?" Gojyo looked over his shoulder at me. "That's Goku."

The guy's lip curled up like a dog's, like I smelled bad or something. "And is he with you? Your friend?"

Gojyo didn't answer right away, and I was pretty sure he was going to say no—I don't know why. I guess I wasn't used to any of the other guy's calling me their friend, even though I knew that's what we were.

"Yeah, as a matter of fact he is. That a problem?"

The old guy seemed even more annoyed by that, but he came a little closer to me. "Maybe." He looked me over too. "Is he a youkai or a human?"  
I was starting to feel frustrated that he wasn't asking me directly, and I was even frustrated that Gojyo was answering him for me, so I snapped, "I'ma' youkai."

He didn't seem impressed. But then, I got the feeling he was going to look disgusted no matter what I said. He turned away from me again, sort of shaking his head and waving his hand, said 'kill him' just as calmly as ordering a pizza.

"What?"

The other guys started coming toward me, weapons ready, and I clenched nyoi-bo tighter. There weren't that many of them, but I wasn't sure what to expect. I'd taken out a lot of normal youkai…but so had Gojyo. Gojyo was a lot stronger than most normal youkai. Did that mean other half-breeds would be too? Would I have a problem with fighting twenty of them? I shouldn't. I just wished I knew what they wanted to kill me for.

"Hey, wait a minute, dickweed!" Gojyo shouted, "What the hell is your problem with Goku?"

The old guy didn't even turn around. "His kind aren't welcome here."

"What'dya' mean my kind?"

"You're a youkai, kid."

"Yeah, so? You are too."

He glared at me, like I'd seriously insulted him. Jeez, what was up with these people?

"Look, I don't know what your damn issue is with youkai," Gojyo said, "And I don't care. But we didn't trespass on purpose, so it doesn't give you any right to kill him. At least ask us to leave first, asshole."

The old guy looked even angrier, and he practically yelled at Gojyo, "Why are you defending him?"

I was way confused now. We were together, Gojyo and me. We were friends. We traveled together. Why wouldn't he defend me?

Gojyo didn't seem to get it either. He spat, "It's none of your business, pops. If you don't want us here then we'll leave, but if you wanna' fight we're gonna' rip you all a new one. That simple."

The old guy kept glaring at Gojyo, like he couldn't believe this was happening, and then he glanced at me. "You can vouch for him?"

"Vouch for him? What do you mean?"

"Do you trust him?"

Gojyo and I exchanged a look. This was just getting weirder and weirder…

"Yeah. I trust him. What's that hafta' do with anything?"

The other guy snorted, "That a fact? So you're really friends with him? With this youkai."

"Yes. What's the big deal?"

Shaking his head, the guy muttered, "Lower your weapons, men." He seemed disappointed almost. Like me and Gojyo being friends was the worst thing he'd ever heard. Then he sighed, "Let's get moving. You two, let's go."

I just stared at him, then at Gojyo. "Ya' mean us?"

"That's right, you. Both of you. Get your asses moving."

"Why would we go anywhere with you?" Gojyo growled.

This was starting to really piss me off.

"Don't ask questions, just do as you're told."

That pushed me over the edge, and I yelled, "No way, ugly! Why would we go with ya' anywhere?"

"You shut up!" He shoved his finger in my face. "You're alive by the grace of your friend, so if you value your head, keep your mouth shut and your eyes open."

"He's right." The cold, angry tone in Gojyo's voice was back. "You jerked us around and stuck guns in our faces, and you wanna' kill him, and you haven't even told us your friggin' name. Why the hell would we go anywhere with you?"

They stared at each other a while, and I thought they'd never stop. Then the old guy sighed, "All right, have it your way then." He stood face to face with Gojyo, offered his hand, "My name is Feng, and I'm in charge of this reservation. That's all I can tell you now, but if you come with me, I'll answer all of your questions. Or you can take your friend and leave. It's up to you, but we're heading out now." With that, he spun around and started to march away, his buddies shouldering their weapons and following after, leaving Gojyo and me to stand there, looking at each other.

At least, I was looking at him. He was staring after Feng, a strange look in his eyes. I wondered what he was thinking. Personally, I couldn't think of any reason why we should go after that jerk.

"Gojyo." I hissed. "C'mon. Let's go find Sanzo and 'Kai."

He didn't so much as look at me as he put a cigarette in his mouth, "Go on without me, Goku. I'll catch up later."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. I'll see you later." He started to follow Feng and the others.

This was not a good day so far. We were already separated from Sanzo and Hakkai, and if I got separated from Gojyo I didn't know if I'd ever see him again, so I had a decision to make.

Feng, whoever he was, hated me and wanted to kill me, because I was a youkai, I guess, so I definitely didn't want to go anywhere with him, and I really thought Gojyo would feel the same way. He seemed like he had felt the same way a few minutes ago. Maybe he was curious about the answers Feng said he had. I was a little curious too. What did he mean by reservation?

All I could think of was a reservation at a restaurant, and I didn't think that was what he meant.

It didn't matter though. Gojyo was going, and there was no way I was letting him go alone. So I went after him.

To me it felt like we walked half the day. The sun got lower and lower, and the air got cooler and cooler, and I got hungrier and hungrier. I didn't say anything though. These people wanted to kill me already, so if I complained I thought they might just turn around and shoot me.

The half-breeds walked in a line, marching like soldiers and I noticed for the first time that some of them were girls. It looked like most of them were girls actually. They all seemed way too super serious.

Me and Gojyo were quiet the whole time, not even talking to each other. I wanted to lean over to him and ask what he was thinking and why we were doing this, but all I could imagine him saying was 'nobody asked you to come', so I didn't.

Instead I kept thinking about Sanzo and Hakkai. I hoped they were okay. Maybe they really had killed Xiong by now. Maybe they were all right. I just wished I knew for sure.

It felt like we'd been walking through the forest for forever, going through thick grass and around trees, when we finally came to a town. It was really weird—it was a pretty big place for being in the middle of nowhere. All the trees were cut down, and there was this little secret city there, with brown, wooden houses with thatched roofs, dirt paths and wells, a stream running through the middle and a mountain towering behind it. I could smell the sweet scent of fruit wafting through the air, and then I saw an orchard of some kind off on the right. The place was so big, I really couldn't even guess how big it was, but as far as I could tell, it went on for miles.

And there were people everywhere: mostly women. Some of them were really young, some were taking care of kids, others were older, cooking food or sitting on porches. Groups of little kids were running around too, playing with wooden swords or creepy, home made dolls. The few guys I saw were working on things. Fixing stuff. Or standing around talking. Here and there I saw people with swords—they looked like guards.

Everyone had the same bright red hair that Gojyo had.

I couldn't believe that. I'd never seen another half-breed in my life. I mean, I knew they existed, but I had always assumed they were really rare. This was a whole town fulla' Gojyo's.

When I looked at Gojyo, he looked just as surprised as I felt. The cigarette had fallen out of his mouth and his eyes were huge, and he was just turning his head, looking back and forth, all around.

Everyone stopped what they were doing to watch us go by, and I heard them whispering. It took me a second to realize they were looking at me. Most of them looked angry. Some seemed worried. It all made me really nervous.

Most of Feng's soldiers walked away, and then it was just me and Gojyo and Feng, and a couple of others. Feng started talking, "You see, when I said your friend isn't welcome here, I meant it. We don't welcome anyone here of human or youkai blood. Only those with both."

Gojyo stuttered. Weird. That never happened. "Wha-You mean…wait… Wait." He hurried to catch up to Feng, putting a hand on his shoulder, and I couldn't help thinking about how short he was compared to him, even though Gojyo was a really tall guy. He looked skinnier than usual too, and younger. For the first time in my life it occurred to me that Gojyo really wasn't that old. I mean, I know he wasn't much older than me, but in the face of everything else, he was kind of just a kid too. So were Sanzo and Hakkai. None of us were all that old.

It was a strange time to be having that thought, except that next to Feng, Gojyo really did look just like a little kid.

"You mean only half-breeds live here?"

"We don't refer to ourselves that way, but yes, that's what I mean. In lamen's terms."

"Woah." I gasped. "For real? Nothin' but half-breeds?"

Feng stopped walking and spoke slowly, "I don't know why you both find it so strange. Humans have always mistreated the youkai, and youkai have always hunted humans…but that's nothing compared to the way our kind have been treated by both races. Our kind have been hunted, robbed, raped and murdered all over something none of us could control. None of us chose our parents, and if we could have, we wouldn't have chosen this fate." He looked at Gojyo, like he was waiting for him to agree, but Gojyo didn't say anything. He went on, "So this place was established."

"By you?"

"No. Not by me. By a man named Tratto. That was years ago, generations before I was born—long before the calamity took hold. I am in charge now though, and I see to it that all of our kind have a safe place to go, a family. A future. Just like Tratto did. Just like all of my predecessors did. It's a reservation—only we live here, and no one else is welcome. That's the only way we've been able to preserve ourselves."

He leaned against the railing of the bridge and looked down into the water, "We deserve everything the humans have, everything the youkai have, and yet we receive nothing but scorn and hatred from both sides. I believe we should all have something better. This place provides that—nomads come here, hybrids with no purpose or place in the world, and they're given the chance to become whatever they want with people just like them. We are all brothers here. Sisters. Fathers and mothers. Lovers and children. There are no outcasts. There are no black sheep. There are no scapegoats. Just family and protection and belonging."

"Belonging." Gojyo murmured. I couldn't quite put my finger on his emotions.

I looked around at the town again, thinking about what Feng had said. It was sort of nice. There were a lot more half-breeds than I have ever imagined, but I guess if they were all treated as bad as he said they were, it was nice that they had a place like this. A peaceful, beautiful place. It made me smile.

Feng straightened up, "You're welcome to stay as long as you like, Gojyo. Normally we don't accept full-blooded youkai, as I said, but I won't chase your friend off." He gave me a harsh look, "Don't get me wrong. You're not welcome here, kid, so don't expect to be."

That was all, and then he walked away.

I stood there on the bridge next to Gojyo, waiting, thinking my friend would say something. Thinking he'd grin at me and say 'this is the place for me' or something like that. I expected him to be happy. I thought I would be happy if I were him. After all, he'd just sort of stumbled across a village full of people just like him when he'd been misunderstood for so long. Why wouldn't that make him happy?

Gojyo didn't say anything. He put his hands in his pockets and stared down at his boots, kicked at the ground for a second. And then he too just walked off without a word.

"Hey, Gojyo. Where're ya' goin'?"

"Just gonna' look around."

"Um…do ya' want me ta' come?"

"No. Not really."

It was a really confusing moment for me. "But…"

"Go look for Sanzo and Hakkai; I'll come find you guys later."

I took a step toward him, "I ain't leavin' ya' here alone."

He looked at me over his shoulder, and he was smiling, but it seemed sad. "I'll be okay. These people are all like me." Then he walked across the bridge and kept going, getting smaller and smaller the further he got away.


	8. Chapter 8

**Gojyo**

People just like me, everywhere I looked: walking by and smiling, saying hi to me when they had no idea who I was. Kids running all over the place, laughing like they didn't have a care in the world. Mom's taking care of kids. Men working. Old women cooking. Couples. Damn, there were so many happy couples I started feeling sick. They were all over, holding hands and smiling at each other like there was no one alive but them.

Here it was, right in front of me like a huge flag. Everything I'd never realized life to be, everything I had just assumed was a dream or a fantasy, come to life. A place where a half-breed could be happy and do whatever he wanted and not worry that the next person he ran into might recognize what he was and wanna' fight about it. I couldn't imagine having half of what these little kids had now when I was their age. I couldn't imagine holding hands with a girl and really, truly being in love with her. But here it all was, like it had always been around, the oldest idea in the world. All of that and more.

Everyone was so happy to see me, like I was their long, lost brother. Guys came up and patted me on the back like we were best buddies. In the first fifteen minutes I must have had twenty girls flirt with me. It was like I'd been there before and then come back. Like I was supposed to be there.

I felt sorta' bad about just walking out on Goku like that. He wasn't welcome here, so being alone would probably be really awkward for him, but I knew the kid could take care of himself, and I seriously needed to be alone for a while.

It was so strange to find a place like this when my whole life I'd never met another hybrid. Not even one. When I was younger, I used to wonder if there were more people like me and where they were. Then the pessimist in me had started to assume that there weren't. As a moody teenager I'd just assumed I was the only red-headed bastard alive. Since then I had stopped caring. Finding a whole society of half-breeds was mind blowing to me.

And then there'd been that bastard Feng, talking about belonging. The way he said it made me feel like he thought I belonged here too. Like he expected me to be happy and make this place my new home is where the heart is.

Even Goku had looked at me like he thought I was supposed to go into hysterics.

I didn't feel happy though. And I wasn't unhappy. I didn't actually know how to feel.

Yesterday my biggest problem had been Jade Asahara and that no good holy man, and now I felt like I didn't even know who I was.

I had to admit it though, this place was really nice. It was sunny and warm, full of cheerful people, surrounded by mountains and fresh air and solitude. It was decent-sized too, and I saw bars and shops and everything a normal town had. It _was_ a normal town. Just in the middle of nowhere and full of cursed people that no one else in the world wanted to have anything to do with.

But there was a weirdly depressing side to it too. I saw a lot of people who looked like life had warmed them over. There were little kids with scars, people missing limbs, people who looked broken beyond repair. I wondered if I was one of them, and I found myself touching my scars without meaning to. I passed a house where a scrawny old man was sitting on his porch, smoking a pipe. He had something wrong with his legs—a cripple. I wondered if he'd been born that way or if someone had done it to him somehow. He stared at me so long as I passed that eventually I waved at him.

He just nodded.

_ Jeez. What the hell was with that old fart?_

Whatever. I was thinking I wanted to blow this town. Just grab Goku, take a lunch for the road and go find Hakkai and Sanzo. Then I was thinking I wanted to hang around and see how this played out. See what life was really like here. I half expected it all to be an illusion. Like some cloud was going to lift and I'd see that everyone here was just as miserable and out of place as I'd always been. Just as cursed as me.

No cloud lifted, and I stopped in what looked like a park to smoke a cigarette. I guess it was a park. There was a little playset crawling with kids, and tons of tall, well cared for grass blooming with flowers. The trees were tall and shady, and I just stood there for what felt like hours, watching the kids. One little punk looked a little like me. His red hair was longish, and he was scrappy.

Suddenly I was just seven or eight again, only I wasn't running and having a kick-ass time with my friends. I was being chased by the other kids who lived on the block, and if they didn't catch me and kick the shit out of me before I got to my house, then Mom would knock me around. Either way, I'd have a brand new bruise tomorrow, and maybe a black eye.

I closed my eyes and for a confusing moment, I really wanted Jien to be standing there next to me. I had to remind myself out loud, "I don't need him. Not anymore."

"Don't need who?"

Startled, I opened my eyes. There was a pretty girl standing there—she had long, wavy hair that tumbled loosely around her shoulders and down to her waist, and a heartshaped face, big eyes and sexy body.

She smiled, "I'm sorry. Am I interrupting?"

"No." Normally, this was about the time when I'd turn on the old charm and sweep her off her feet. Today, I didn't feel like it. "I'm just thinking."

The girl nodded, drawing a little closer, "I don't think I've seen you around here before. Are you new?"

"I'm just visiting." I looked back at the kids.

"Visiting?" She sounded like that word completely mystified her. Like no one ever stopped to just visit. "So you're a traveler."

I shifted the cigarette in my mouth, "Sorta'. Me and some guys are goin' west." Obviously she didn't know anything about the Sanzo party. Why would she? I wondered if these people even knew about the calamity. I guess so, since Feng had talked about it.

"Guys? Other people like us?" Her eyes sparkled. I guess she liked that thought. The more of us there were the better.

"Um. No, actually…" I felt confused again. For whatever reason, I'd never put the other guys in the box of human and youkai. I'd never separated them from me.

That seemed to lose her. "Oh." She was quiet a moment, "They're not…"

"Half-breeds? No. They ain't."

Another long pause, longer than the last one, "Are they youkai or human?"

What was this girlie getting at? "What difference does it make?"

"I just haven't met very many people like us hanging around with people like that."

I looked around at all the half-breeds around me. "Yeah? Well, I guess not everyone knows about Feng's little union up here in the middle of fucking nowhere."

"Feng?" She sounded happy. "You met Feng?"

"You could say that."

"Isn't he wonderful?"

"I wouldn't go as far as wonderful. I guess he was okay, aside from being a perfect asshole." She didn't seem to know how to deal with that either, so she took a while to ask, "So these guys you travel with…where are they? Did you leave them or did they leave you?"

I looked at her, actually a little startled. "What? Neither. We…got separated."

The girl nodded, but I didn't think she believed me. "So you're going to go find them?"

"Probably." I was starting to feel annoyed, and I wished she'd cut to the chase.

Then she cocked her head, "I'm sorry for asking so many questions, but I'm curious. Why do you stay with them?"

"I don't get it. What do you mean?"

"I mean, don't they treat you bad?"

Treat me bad? I thought about the others for a moment. Sanzo was an asshole to me, but Sanzo was sort of an asshole to everyone. Hakkai was a nag sometimes, but he did a lot for me, and more and more, as time went by, I realized I was counting on him, in case something ever went really wrong and I couldn't hack it. Goku was an empty-headed kid, but believe it or not his heart was probably bigger than his stomach, and I don't think he'd ever had even one bad thought about me. Kappa and lechy cockroach were about as far as his insults went.

"No." I said at last. "They don't."

She wrinkled her nose, so I added, "Don't think I'm spoiled. It's not like I've never been treated bad for what I am."

"I didn't think so—everyone here has some story to tell." I didn't have to look at her to know she was studying my face, probably thinking about my scars. "Um. So anyway. I'm Lei."

"I'm Gojyo." I muttered. I should have been thrilled this girl was showing so much interest in me. I should have been thinking that this guaranteed me company and a warm bed for the night. I wasn't thinking any of that. I hardly knew what I was thinking.

"Gojyo. I like that. It's cute."

I snorted. "Cute?"

Lei was quiet again. "I'm sorry, am I bothering you?"

"Not really."

"You seem angry."

Angry. Was I angry? I didn't feel angry or annoyed or anything. I didn't feel happy or excited or interested. I didn't feel anything. If anything, I just felt…

"I feel like I'm in a dream." A second later I realized I'd said it out loud.

Lei nodded knowingly, "A lot of people feel that way when they first come here. For a lot of us, after seeing so much hate and prejudice in the world, it's hard to accept that a happy world like this one really exists. You'll get used to it, I promise."

I didn't know if I'd be around long enough to get used to it. But then again, what was there to call me away from this place. I belonged here, right? Just another half-blood with a bad past who didn't want to talk about it. It was like some massive group therapy town for people like me. Why shouldn't I hang around? Make some loser half-breed friends, marry some loser half-breed girl like Lei and toss our issues into a pot to stir them around.

"Anyway." Lei seemed to take my silence as an invitation to continue, "Um, if you want, I can show you around town, introduce you to some people. Help you figure things out."

I looked at her. She was biting her lip and she looked hopeful.

"If you want." She repeated.

Show me around? Sure? Why the hell not? Then I could really start to appreciate this place for what it was, maybe start to like it. Maybe even start to care. Then I'd never want to leave.

Again, I directed my attention to the playground. "So Feng doesn't let humans or youkai into this place. What about all these kids? What about their parents?"

"Most of them were found wandering alone—their parents either abandoned them or died."

That was probably something I should have known or assumed.

"They're happy here." She said, like I cared, "They're safe."

Good for them. I couldn't remember much of how I'd spent my childhood after Jien took off—wandering alone, I guess. Maybe that was a really common thing for people like us.

"People adopt them?"

"Sometimes."

I wondered how that worked. I mean, if everybody here had a past just like mine, how would they even know what to do with a kid? I sure wouldn't. "I'd make a shitty dad." I muttered, mostly to myself. I never had a dad, how the hell would I even know how to be one? Act like Sanzo with Goku? Beat my kid with a goddamn paper fan every time he asked for food? The thought made me laugh a little. "Forget it."

Lei studied me a while, a confused look on her face. At last she said, "Do you want me to show you around or not?"

"What, right now? I'm in the middle of trying to take this all in. It's weird, you know?"

She nodded, "I understand. We all have to deal with the same things here."

What a strange, fucking thing to say. She sounded like she thought she knew what I was talking about, but it hit me suddenly that none of these people had any idea what my life had been like. It was stupid for them to assume it had been just like theirs.

"Then you're lucky to live here, huh?" I started to walk away. I didn't know where I was going, and I didn't really care. There just had to be something…

Lei sounded uncertain as she called after me. "Don't you want a tour?"

"Maybe later." If I was still here. If I didn't just take my monkey and get lost.

I sort of thought she'd follow me and keep on asking painful questions and bugging me. Not that it would have been a big deal—she was damn cute. A touch too talkative, but sexy still. Anyway, she didn't come after me, and when I looked over my shoulder she was gone.

For a while I wandered through the village, still trying to come to grips with what I was seeing. Trying to convince myself that this happiness was for real.

Eventually, I just wound up sitting down on the side of the river to think. Across the way, there were more houses and more happy people. They smiled and waved and called across to me. I just snapped my wrist at them in what was almost a wave, then I stared at the water. My reflection was there, staring back at me with red eyes. Maybe I should really stay here. Like really do it. Maybe I should accept Lei's offer and start hanging out with her and see where this went. Maybe this was where the journey west ended for me. At least then I wouldn't have to put up with Sanzo's bullshit anymore. Or Hakkai's nagging. Or Goku's complaining.

No more of that crowded, little Jeep.

My thoughts were interrupted when something smacked me in the side of the head. "Owe!" I turned around, furiously, half expected to see one of the guys there. Instead there was a big, blue ball just sitting there. I had to stare at it a moment to understand what had just happened.

"Sorry Mister!" A kid ran up to me—the same little guy I'd seen on the playground. The one who kinda' looked like me. "That's mine."

Rubbing my head, I picked it up and tossed it to him, "Watch where you throw that thing."

He grinned.

I went back to staring at the water.

A second later I realized he was still there.

I turned to him, blowing some smoke from my nose, "Somethin' I can help ya' with, kid?"

"You look like somebody I know."

I blinked at that. "That right? Who would that good-looking stud be?"

"My big brother, Seiji."

"Brother huh? He live around here too?"

"No."

"He a youkai?" That would be just too weird.

"He was like us…but…he died a long time ago. Before I came here." He lowered his eyes.

I felt myself starting to care again, and I couldn't get over how much he looked like me.

_Jien didn't die…_

Frustrated, I shook the thought away. "Sorry to hear that kid. How'd that happen?"

The kid shrugged, but he wouldn't look at me, "Some humans killed him. I dunno' why. Seiji hated fighting."

Just another loser half-breed with a tough break. "Sorry." I mumbled. I really was sorry too—maybe it was just because I felt some connection with this kid, because I knew what it was like to lose a brother.

_Jien didn't die, but he did disappear…_

"'Sokay. I'm here now, an' wherever Seiji is, he's happy too."

What a little optimist. I just smiled.

"Anyway, my name's Deshi." He stuck out his hand.

I put my cigarette in my mouth and humored the kid, "Gojyo."

"Cool name." He sat down next to me, "You gonna' live here, Gojyo?"

I looked at him, still caught up in how much of myself I saw in him. His hair was a little shorter than mine had been at that age, just a little below his ears, and it was more out of control. His eyes were brighter too. Maybe he wasn't kicked around like I was. Maybe Seiji took it all for him. He had some goggles on top of his head.

"Don't know yet."

"Where'd ya' come from anyway?"

"Back east."

"Yeah? What're ya' doin' out here?"

"Goin' west."

Deshi nodded vigorously, like that all made sense to him. I got the feeling he was just happy to be talking to me. I wondered just how much I looked like Seiji. "You've prob'ly seen some cool shit, huh?"

I thought about what I _had _seen in the last year, and I didn't think it was really all that cool. "Yeah, some of it wasn't too bad."

"I saw ya' talkin' to Lei." The kid clipped right along. He was starting to remind me of Goku. "Lucky guy."

"Yeah. What's lucky about that?" Maybe Lei was the prettiest girl in the town and I'd made a big mistake not going with her.

"Lei doesn't talk to anybody." Deshi said, all self-important, the way kids get when they tell ya' something, "None of the guys anyway. She's been here three years, and she always says no to anybody who tries ta' ask her out. It's really weird, 'cause there's lotsa' girls here but not a lotta' boys."

"I noticed that. Why is that?"

Deshi shrugged, "I dunno'."

Of course. Why would he know? Deshi didn't look a day over eleven.

I thought about what Lei had told me again, "Where're your parents, Desh?"

"Dead. They both died when I was little—Seiji took care of me. Well, until he died too."

This kid had seen a lot of loss in his life. I'd better watch it. He was the type to be clingy. Even giving him the time of day was probably a mistake.

Deshi jumped up suddenly, "I've gotta' go, but is it cool if I hang out with you later?"

I nodded before thinking about it, and then I couldn't take it back, so I answered lamely, "Yeah, sure. Come find me."

The kid looked like I'd totally made his day; like I was taking him to the candy store for free or something. "Cool. See ya' later!" He ran off, taking the ball with him.

Just awesome. That was the second person I'd said I'd meet up with later, and I still didn't even know if I was going to stay here. Maybe I needed to go find Goku and scram before I got involved with someone else.

I got up and headed back toward the main road, walking a little faster than before and keeping my eyes open for Goku. I wondered where he'd be hiding. Somewhere with food probably. Yeah, he was probably down in the market, changing hearts and minds of all the youkai hating people. They probably all thought he was the neatest thing since ever by now. He had that kind of personality—so friendly, you couldn't help tolerating his stupidity.

He was a good kid though. I'd miss him if I stayed here.

"I ain't stayin' here." I told myself.

The sun was starting to set now. In a mountain town like this it was going to get dark really fast. The streets were clearing out, and I saw a lot of people eating dinner in their houses. It was peaceful here. I bet no youkai attacked. No humans came here. Nothing to disturb the peace. No one even knew this place existed, and if they found it, Feng and his little gang killed them. Complete and total isolation. I guess the only way people even made their way here was because they found out about it through word of mouth.

As I was walking I saw the old cripple again, still sitting on his porch smoking, staring at me.

"Night Jii-san." I called.

"Jii-san." He snorted. Then, "Don't be rude—come introduce yourself properly."

I hesitated and looked at him, "What, me?"

He snorted again, "Not too bright, I see."

"Hey old man, don't-"

"Just c'mere. I won't bite."

I sighed. Great, what was with this guy? Everyone I met here was so damn friendly, and so frickin' weird. Whatever. I started up the steps toward him, stood there, trying to figure out what he could possibly want. He looked like he was ancient—seventy at least—and his red eyes had cataracts. His white hair was pulled into a tight ponytail and he had a little goatee. He could be me in fifty years. His upper body looked pretty strong, but his legs were thin, and he had some crutches leaning nearby.

"What's up, pops? Lookin' for a new boyfriend?"

"Young people today." He shook his head. "They don't even know how to be friendly."

"You're telling me you called me up here just to say hey?"

"You could say so. Sit down, kid."

"I ain't a kid." Damn. I sounded like the friggin' monkey now. After a second, I pulled myself up onto the railing.

He cleared his throat, "My name is Hu." Then he waited.

No more damn introductions today, please. "Gojyo."

"Gojyo, I've been watching you all day—"

"With cataracts like those? It's a wonder you can see your hand in front of your face."

Hu frowned, "I can see better than most, punk, don't doubt it."

Obviously he wasn't talking about physical sight.

"You're a traveler, am I correct?"

"That's right. From the west." I'd humored everyone else today. I could humor this guy too. For a while.

"Interesting. It's been a long time since we had anyone new here."

"I'm not really new. In fact, I'm not sure I'm even staying at all."

"I thought not. You don't look like the type who would—you're a gambler, aren't you? A rogue. You've been a drifter forever, and you're content to die that way."

"I never thought of myself as a drifter, gramps. Anyway, you don't know anything about me."

"Maybe I do. I was young once too."

That had to be a million years ago. I still couldn't figure out what this old bat was after from me. Just to talk? Did he invite every stranger up for a personal introduction? "Look, I don't know what you want, but I've got some friends I gotta' meet up with, so-"

"What are you afraid of, Gojyo? Being responsible? Getting attached? Or are you just scared to death of being happy?"

"What?"

"You're running away, am I right?"

This was getting weird. Not to mention annoying. "I don't run."

"You were born to run. It's what half-breed mutts like us do. There's nothing better for us, am I right?"

He was right. I had always thought he was right. Even when I moved into the house where Hakkai and I lived I had never expected it to last. Nothing before that had ever lasted, why should that? Why shouldn't I have to leave that place some day, just like every other place? I sighed, "I don't know what you're getting at."

"Then maybe you should listen." He sucked some smoke from his pipe and blew it into the wind, took a heavy breath before saying, "There are less than a hundred of us now, and we all have our sad story to tell. People who have been abandoned and lost, shut out and abused all their lives. People who want nothing more than to escape their miserable fate and find solitude with others who understand them.

"I'm the town elder: I was here when Tratto established this haven, and I'll likely die soon, but I make it a point to meet everyone who comes through here. Some stay, make a life and find peace. Others can't bring themselves to do that, and so they move on, looking for something else, somewhere else. Either way, I have an aptitude for understanding the hardships of others."

"So good for you."

"I see you're confused: you don't understand the beauty of what you've found, and you certainly don't understand what this place is. Many broken people have found normalcy here, a sanctuary from the world that persecutes them.

"Ah, but not you. With your restlessness and your anger and your grief, why should you believe a place like this could ever fix you? I see the pain in your eyes, exposed under the moonlight, as if walking these very streets is like staring long and hard into a mirror." He smiled again, "Upon my word, I've never met such an unhappy, pathetic young man."

I slid off the railing, feeling a little indignant and a little exposed, "That's a stupid thing to say. How can you have known so many pathetic people and decide the first second you see me that I'm the saddest person you've ever met. Look at me. Do I look sad?"

He blew some more smoke and I felt impatient.

"Everyone here has a shitty past, just like you said. Everybody's been kicked around."

"There's a difference between abuse and heartbreak, boy."

My face burned a little, "Look, I dunno' who you are, what it means to be the town elder or whatever, but I ain't no stinkin' kid, and no one's ever broken my heart."

"They must have. Why else would you be running from the one thing that's ever made you feel like you belong?"

"This is stupid. I'm not gonna' stick around and listen to you try an' talk me into stayin' in this pathetic place."

"Pathetic? What makes this place pathetic? What makes _us_ pathetic? The very fact that you still can't accept who you are is a testament to how very sad you are, boy. Like a dwindling flame, flickering one last time before the night."

_Some day the world will blow you out._

"I ain't sad." I said gruffly, starting to leave, "See ya' later, Jii-san."

He grabbed my arm suddenly.

I snapped my head around to glare at him.

"I wouldn't expect to try to talk a warrior into staying here—I've never been a warrior, Gojyo, but I have wisdom. Please, listen to it. Don't run away from the people who understand you best."

I laughed bitterly, "Right. What makes you think any of you bastards understand me?"

"Believe me. I know how it feels when someone you love tries to kill you."

I opened my mouth to snap at him, but the words died inside my mouth, and I just stood there, mouth hanging open like an idiot. Staring.

"I see a reflection of myself in your eyes, Gojyo. I see a reflection of my own grief."

"You. Who the hell are you?"

"Just an old fart who's going to die soon." He smiled at me. "Think about what I said."

He let my arm go and I practically stumbled down the stairs, couldn't stop staring at him, couldn't get his words out of my brain.

Goku was suddenly right there, "There ya' are. I've been lookin' all over for ya'."

He startled me so bad, I actually jumped.

"You alright? Ya' look sorta' weird."

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. What about you?"

"Naw, I'm okay. I went ta' the market. Man, they have some amazing food here."

I looked back up at Hu, but he was gone. "They've got lotsa' weird stuff here."

"Nn. Maybe. It wasn't really weird though, just sorta' different. I dunno' how ta' describe it. Anyway, what's goin' on with you? Where'd ya' go?"

"Me. I." I pushed the hair back from my eyes, "I don't really know what's goin' on with me." Even as I was talking, I started to wander away.

"Where ya' goin' now?"

"Just…to find somebody. I said I'd see her later."

"A girl? Ya' found a girl already?"

"Yeah." Hopefully if I was with a girl for a while I could get this weird feeling out of my mind. I could just go back to being Gojyo.

"Oh. Hey, sure you're okay? You're actin' kinda' funny."

"Of course. I'm fine. I'll catch up with you later, buddy. Hang tight."

"You look like the one that needs ta' hang on tight, Gojyo."

**Hakkai**

I was driving faster than usual—in fact, probably faster than I should have been, considering the treacherously narrow, mountain road we were on—but I felt compelled to keep my foot on the accelerator. I didn't know if it was because I was in a hurry to find the others, or because I was unconsciously trying to escape from the person sitting directly behind me, eyes boring into me relentlessly.

"You're sure this is taking us the right way?" Sanzo demanded. He'd asked several times, and I saw that he still had his gun out, clenching it like he expected to have to use it. I could hardly blame him. Just because Jade Asahara had promised to hold off on her vow to kill him didn't mean she necessarily would. She was sitting calmly in the back seat with her feet propped up, as if she belonged there, but she was just as dangerous as she'd ever been.

As before, Sanzo was answered by a smooth, confident, "Of course."

"We've been driving a long time." I said, glancing in the rearview mirror at her.

It was somewhat disconcerting to see that those demonic green eyes were already looking at me, "It's only been three hours." She snorted. "Another mile and we'll see the other end of the cave."

"And if they're not there?"

For the first time, she seemed annoyed, "It is not my fault your friends got themselves involved with a cave-in. If they aren't there you'll have to decide what to do on your own."

I couldn't argue with that.

Again, I tried to return my focus to the road, but I felt strange, and had been feeling that way ever since we'd started driving. It was a difficult emotion to pinpoint exactly, a feral, crazed feeling, deep inside, like some monster were lurking in my heart, looking for an opportunity to take over my mind and body. I tried to push it away, but each time I did, it only seemed to come back, stronger than ever.

We drove on in silence for a few more minutes before I saw the road split off ahead of us, one path leading further up the mountain, and the other winding around a curve and taking a route even more narrow and ill-maintained than the one we were on now.

"There." Asahara said calmly. "That road will take us to the cave."  
I stopped Jeep on the side of the road and looked further down the path. It seemed to be leading directly down into the ravine, the road was rocky and overgrown with weeds, the treebranches stitched together overhead to create a tunnel. I didn't see any sign of Gojyo or Goku like I'd hoped to.

"Well." I sighed, "I guess we'd better start looking. It's going to be dark soon."

We all got out and Jeep transformed, settling himself on my shoulder as I began to lead the way down the road, Sanzo right beside me.

The road was a little steeper than it looked, and I had to be careful not to take a misstep on one of the many rocks littering the path. "Do you think they'll be there?" I asked softly.

"Who knows." Sanzo lit a cigarette, but I could see from his expression that he wasn't as apathetic as he looked.

"They'd better be." I looked up at the sky. It wasn't very late in the day, but already the shadows were long and deep, the craggy walls around us making it darker faster. "I doubt the two of us will be able to get that much farther without them."

He didn't answer that. I knew he hated for anything to threaten this mission we were on, and right now we had enough threats to deal with without being short two whole members.

The walk down to the cave only took ten or fifteen minutes, but it seemed like it took half an hour, and by the time I saw the broad, dark mouth of the cave eating through the face of the mountain, I was feeling half-mad with worry and the wild emotions in me seemed even stronger.

Jade hung back as Sanzo and I approached the cave and looked inside. It was horribly dark, and there was a cool, musty breeze blowing out from somewhere. I listened carefully for any sign of our lost friends, but the whole mountain seemed utterly still.

Beside me, Sanzo cocked his gun. I couldn't imagine why—it was clear we were quite alone.

Just for good measure, I called into the blackness, "Gojyo?" My voice trembled and echoed back at me. "Goku?" But there was no answer.

Jeep suddenly lifted off my shoulder and flapped back the way we'd come, maybe frightened of the echo.

I cupped one hand around my mouth. "Gojyo. Goku."

Nothing. Not one thing. My head was starting to pound a bit, the emotions inside me raging and swelling to the surface.

"Gojyo! Goku!"

And now my heart was hammering too. They might be dead—my friends could be dead—they might have gotten crushed on the other side; their guts might be splattered all over the sand and the stone, in the dark and the damp.

I took a small but desperate step past the threshold of the cave, "Gojyo, Goku! Where are you?"

Sanzo gripped my shoulder rather roughly, "Hakkai. They aren't there."

He was right. I knew he was right, but I couldn't tear myself away. I couldn't simply turn and walk away and just hope they had gotten out okay. I had to know for sure, even if that meant walking all the way back to the other side.

"We have to make sure." I said.

He shook his head. "We don't have time."

"What would you suggest we do then? Proceed on our own? Hope they catch up?"

"If that's what we have to do."

"Don't be absurd. We'll never make it."

"We'll go to the next town and see if they're there; maybe they'll catch up."

"And if they don't?"

"Then we'll go from there." He turned away, obviously intending to go back up to the main road.

I kept staring ahead into the dark.

"Hakkai, come on."

"Go ahead, I'll catch up." I answered icily.

He turned to glare at me, "Don't even, Hakkai. Don't make it that way."

"You're the one making it that way."

"You're acting like a high school girl."

I faced him angrily, "Why? Because I want to make sure they didn't crushed under two tons of rock? Because if they're pinned somewhere I want to help them get free?"

"Those idiots got themselves into this—they can get themselves out."

"I-"

Jeep swept in from above me, cheeping and twittering, started tugging at my sleeve frantically.

"Jeep? What is it?"

He let go and flapped away, hovering at the side of the road. We all looked at him.

"Jeep? Is something wrong?"

Still chirping, he began to fly around in a circle.

Asahara turned her emotionless, eerie gaze on me, "I think he wants you to follow him."

"I know what he wants." I snapped, starting in that direction.

Jeep saw me coming and flew off into the trees.

"We don't have time for this." Sanzo grumbled, but I heard him coming up behind me.

The forest was a little thicker than it looked, and I had to force my way through, shove branches to the side and step over fallen trees. Fortunately, we didn't go too far before the trees cleared out and we came to a sudden slope that led down into an even thicker patch of trees. The sun was setting, and the valley below us was almost dark.

Jeep flew forward, turning back to look at me, as if to ask if I were going to follow.

"What does he want?" Sanzo demanded.

"I don't know. Maybe he has an idea where the others are."

"There's nothing out there but wilderness." Asahara told me matter-of-factly. "If your friends are down there it's because a bear took them there."

I didn't want to hear it. I started down the hill, sliding in the loose dirt a bit, and Jeep flew after me. A few moments later, I heard the others come down too.

"This is ridiculous." Sanzo said when he caught up to me. "What would they be doing down here?"

"Jeep's never misled me before." I said confidently.

"Hakkai, you can't understand him. Who knows what he's doing?"

I ignored that. I trusted Jeep, and I believed that if I just followed him, he'd take me to the others.

We reached the bottom of the slope, and I looked around. The trees were tall, the shadows dark and ominous, and still there was nothing but silence. I started to hunt through the bushes for some sign of the others right away, denying the discouragement I was beginning to experience.

Sanzo was hunting too, regardless of what he'd said, but Jade was just standing off to the side, arms folded.

"Both of you have lost your minds." She said decisively. "Your friends are not here."

I was about to retort when my eyes were met with a strange sight. There was a tall stone structure, a bit overgrown with plantlife and somewhat worn from time, standing just in front of me, amidst the trees and bushes. At first I thought it was the ruins of a building, but as I approached, I saw that it extended on either side of me, as far as the eye could see.

"A wall?" Sanzo came and stood beside me.

"So it would seem. But it's an odd place to build one, don't you think? What could possibly be on the other side?"

"Hakkai, look."

I looked where he was pointing, only to see the white, half-burnt butt of a cigarette, bent over to pick it up carefully. "Gojyo…"

"That bastard." Sanzo looked up at the wall. "He must have gone to the other side."

"Goku will be with him then." I didn't mention that he might be dead. I didn't want to think about that.

"Maybe. What I want to know is, why would Gojyo leave it here?"

I looked at him, "You mean, you think he might have left it here as a warning?"

"Could be. We have no idea what's on the other side of this wall."

Jade stepped forward, "Then I suggest we find out." She jumped up and caught a low-hanging branch, pulled herself up and disappeared over the wall.

Sanzo and I stood looking at one another a moment.

"I don't trust her." I said simply.

He shook his head.  
"We have no way of knowing if she's working for Ryptcore or not."

"We do have to find those idiots though, as much as it pains me to say it."

"Very well then. It seems we have no choice." I too grabbed the branch and scrambled over the wall, landed beside Jade on the other side.

She had her arms folded. "I heard what you said. It's foolish not to trust your own ally."

"Forgive me for not apologizing, but you did swear to kill Sanzo."

She grinned suddenly, eyes glowing even brighter, then she leaned forward so that her face was just centimeters from my own, "You speak with such elegance and certainty, Cho Hakkai, but I know better. You are not the peaceful diplomat you seem—deep inside you, the heart of a monster devours your sanity, little by little. You are a killer like I am."

I didn't like the words at all. They were too close to the things I'd always thought of myself, and I wanted to shake them away; instead, there was a sudden rush of violence that filled my head, and I wanted nothing more than to attack her. The wild feeling was worse than ever, and I thought I might lose control.

I glared at her, thinking of how good it would feel to shred her with my claws.

Sanzo dropped down behind me, mumbling curses and complaining that he'd torn his robes. "Oy. Hakkai? What's going on here?"

"Nothing." I snapped, fighting to control the deranged feeling inside me. "Let's keep moving."

I took the lead, forcing my way through the bushes around me, shoving tree branches out of the way and stepping over logs. The forest was dense, trees growing close together, with shrubs and weeds filling the gaps between them, and the canopy overhead was thick enough to make the woods unusually dark. I plowed through it all as carefully and quietly as I could, but in my mind, I wanted to scream. Jade was so close beside me, I could practically feel her breathing on my neck, and her words were ringing in my ears.

More and more, I was feeling like I was losing control.

We'd been walking for a while now, me lost in my thoughts. I didn't understand where we were going—deeper and deeper into some woods in the middle of nowhere—and I didn't quite understand why either. Because there happened to be a wall out here in the wilderness didn't necessarily mean we should climb it and find out what was on the other side. My only hope was that we'd find the others out here somewhere.

When we'd been going in the same direction for a while, I began to hear things coming from up ahead. Voices mostly, and a lot of them. Laughing, talking, shouting even. I heard the calls of various animals as well: cows, goats, cats and dogs and even horses—and I could smell them.

"What in the world…?"

The forest started to lighten up, the trees more spread out, the brush more controlled, like it had been cleared out by someone. I could hear running water, and smell it too. A heavy scent of smoke and wood was in the air.

On the other side of me, Sanzo had his gun out, and he was moving stealthily. Jade seemed to shift back and forth through the shadows like a phantom. I was on my guard as well, keeping low to the ground and hugging trees and trying to stay out of the sudden rays of light cascading down through the canopy.

The voices and the sounds were getting louder, the scents stronger, and still there was no sign of Gojyo and Goku.

Then, all at once, the three of us emerged from the woods and found ourselves in a large, sweeping clearing where a small town had been erected. I stood, astounded, between the other two, staring at the town and marveling that any such community would be existing out here in this manner. It was utterly surrounded by forest, the mountain peaks looming over it, and it appeared completely isolated, and yet I saw herds of cows—dairy and otherwise—stables, streets, carts, a marketplace, buildings under construction, yards and parks and paths, and streetlights, and more or less everything a town needed to function. It was very lively too, with people walking and talking, pushing carts and trying to sell things, minding children and buying things, building things and relaxing on their front porches.

"A village." I murmured, somewhere between surprise and simple observation.

"Not just a village." Sanzo added.

"Yes, I noticed it too. They're all-"

I heard shouting. A man who'd been tending a garden a few hundred yards from us seemed to have suddenly noticed we were there and was running at us, yelling and waving his rake, threateningly.

Soon joining him were others; more men, running up out of the streets, climbing down from the rooftops they were patching, emerging from houses, all taking up weapons of some sort and charging us. In no time, there were over a dozen of them.

"I see they have a warm welcome planned for us." I said, still deciding if I should feel concerned or not.

"We will put them in their place." Jade said lazily.

Sanzo held his gun tightly, but retorted, "We didn't come here to fight, we came to find those two idiots and leave."

I kept watching the men running at us, noticed some of them had some rather serious weapons: swords and knives and even a few guns. "That may not be possible, Sanzo."

He didn't answer.

Jade stood a few seconds more with us, and then she turned, without warning, and disappeared back into the woods. I didn't waste a moment watching her go, and I don't think Sanzo did either. We were lucky to be rid of her, no matter what became of us here.

In a matter of moments, we were surrounded. The villagers circled around us, as if they were trained to do that, trapping us in the middle, and stood at the ready, weapons in hand, just waiting to spill blood.

I glanced around at them, "What now, Sanzo?"

"We ask about Goku and Gojyo; if they're here, we take them and go. If not, we move on."

"Yes, but, we may not be allowed to-"

"Human or youkai?" A man demanded, shoving what seemed to be a spear at us.

We traded looks.

"What's it matter?" Sanzo sneered back at him.

The man snorted. "It doesn't. Drop your weapons."

"Why should we?"

Suddenly it felt like every weapon they held was aimed at Sanzo, in one way or another, and the man said darkly, "Because you're surrounded."

"It is difficult to argue with that." I allowed. Then I held my hands out, fingers spread wide, to show I wasn't holding anything, "Excuse us, I realize it's rude to barge in like this, but we're looking for a couple of our friends, who we have reason to believe might have come here; once we're reunited with them, we'd be happy to get out of your hair."

"Where is your other companion?" The man asked, like I hadn't said a word, and he scanned the tree line behind us.

"Companion?"

"There was a third person with you. Where did she go?"

"Ah. I haven't the slightest idea. Now then, perhaps if you'd-"

The man pounded the butt of his staff into the ground, "Enough! Take them to the square! Feng will decide what's to be done with them."

Again, Sanzo and I looked at each other. "The square?"

"Hell. We haven't got much choice." Sanzo tucked his gun away, and we were marched away, down from the tree line and into the town. I walked beside him wordlessly.

Even the two of us could likely fight our way out of here, if we needed to, but in the grand scheme of things, that wouldn't get us anywhere. Not if we wanted to find Gojyo and Goku.

The town itself was remarkable, and I could scarcely believe the things I was seeing as they led us through the town. By all accounts the town looked normal: stone houses with little gardens and wooden porches, dirt streets lined with grass and flowers, shops with merchandise in the windows and signs hanging over the doors. Trees and a stream, goats and cows, chickens and horses, even a town square with a statue of a proud man standing up tall, chest thrown out like he was setting out to conquer some new world. The inscription read Tratto: Leader of the Sad Ones.

It was the people who were odd: everyone around me had the same bright crimson hair and eyes. They were staring at us, and I saw faces full of fear, some marked with wonder. Others seemed disgusted. Everyone was whispering. It was a strange thing to discover. So many people of a taboo heritage.

Over and over I thought I saw Gojyo in the crowd, but when I looked twice it was someone I didn't know, and most of the time it was a woman.

"Half-breeds. Every one of them." I murmured, twisting my neck around again, just to make sure.

"Great. One's bad enough." Sanzo sighed.

Our procession came to a stop in the square, where it appeared many of the people had gathered, and we stood beneath the shadow of the proud, victorious statue.

A man was standing there, with a pair of guards flanking him. He was tall and muscular and looked older than most of the people around us—fifty or so—and the way he stood and looked at us, and the way the others looked at him, made me feel he must be in charge here. He spoke in a soft, but deep voice, "Tresspassers. Explain yourselves: why have you come to this reservation?"

"Reservation?" I looked around again, still certain I'd find Gojyo somewhere in the crowd, smirking back at me. I only saw unfamiliar, horrified faces. "So then, am I to understand that only half-blood people live here?"

"What does it look like, kid? Explain yourselves. Are you human or youkai?"  
"It doesn't really matter, does it?" Sanzo sounded tremendously bored.

The man smiled viciously, "I don't know where you think you are, sir, but in case you haven't noticed, in this world, there's little else that does matter. Now answer me; human or youkai?"

"One of each." I said brightly. "We'll leave it to you to decides which is which."

He scoffed, "You both reek of blood."

I kept right on smiling, never letting on how those words made me flinch inside. "We've both traveled a long ways and faced many difficulties. Perhaps the blood you're smelling is our own."

The man didn't seem impressed.

"And you." Sanzo interrupted. "Who are you? What did you bring us here for?"

Instead of replying, the man gave Sanzo a fierce stare, "In my village, I answer to no one. Disarm them and take them to the jail. I'll deal with them in the morning." With that, he turned away.

"Wait." I took a step forward, just as some of the men were approaching to frisk me, "We didn't come to disrupt your lifestyle, we're looking for two of our companions. We thought they may have stumbled across this place by mistake—as we did."

He didn't seem even remotely interested, and Sanzo was reaching for his gun, so I added, "One of them is like you."

The leader stopped and half faced me again, "What do you mean by that, boy? Like me."

"You know perfectly well what I mean." I said coolly, even as the soldiers were gripping my arms.

"What? A half-blood _freak_?"

"Oh, not at all. A half-blood yes, but not a freak at all. It must be a different person. So sorry to have bothered you." I shot him my most insolent smile.

He studied me carefully. "I may have seen them. Did this half-blood companion of yours have a youkai with him?"

"Last we were aware of he did."

Now he was facing me fully, and the square was utterly quiet. I tried to read his expression but couldn't make any sense of what he was thinking, "Tell me more about this half-blood companion of yours."

Just what was he getting at, making me describe Gojyo to him? How many children of Taboo would be traveling with a full-blooded youkai these days? "My half-blood _friend_ is my age and several inches taller than I am, with distinctive scars on his cheek, and he smokes a disgustingly excessive amount. You'd know him if you met him: he has a most abrasive attitude."

"Hn. That I can agree on."

"Then you did see them?"

"I did." He nodded slowly. "They're tresspassers, like you, and we have very strict laws here concerning trespassing."  
"So you shot them." Sanzo said stonily.

"We were…persuaded to ignore our policy on tresspassers just this one time."

And that would be because Gojyo was a half-blood; apparently he'd managed to talk them out of killing Goku. Or else the two of them had fought their way out and ran, but I thought the villagers would be a little more outraged if that were the case. Things here seemed peaceful enough.

"Then perhaps I can persuade you to ignore it once again." I suggested.

The man shook his head shortly, "Gojyo is welcome here because he's one of us, and he was able to vouch for his youkai friend and convince me not to kill him, but he's not here to vouch for you, now is he?"

"That's true, I suppose. Is he still around?" It was starting to look like we might have to fight our way out, regardless.

"He might be, he might not be. Either way, I don't have time to look for him; you two will go to the jail, and in the morning I'll decide what to do with you."

That seemed to be the end of our negotiation, because he left without another word, and I turned to Sanzo.

"For now, it may be in our best interest to cooperate."

"Hn. You and I are more than enough to deal with a band of half-breeds; but I don't want to get blood stains on my robe if I don't have to."

"Then we're in agreement."

Sanzo relinquished his gun, much more casually than I expected him to, and we allowed the villagers to tie our hands and escort us to jail.

The jailhouse was a small, shabby shack not far from the square. It was in ill repair, with a leaky roof, boarded up windows, and a door that was falling off its hinges. Apparently it wasn't used very often. We were led in to the dingy, filthy interior and shoved into the one and only cell.

Sanzo scowled at the bucket that was likely expected to serve as our toiled and sank onto the single, tattered cot that was bolted to the wall.

I leaned against the bars and slipped out of my bonds with ease. "Now I suppose we have no choice but to wait for morning."

"Those idiots. Are we really putting our faith in _Gojyo_ of all people?"

I laughed nervously, "Believe me, I don't like it either, but chances are, the two of them are still here somewhere, and they can likely convince these people to let us go free. If not, as you said, we're more than enough to deal with them."

"Half-bloods." He growled. "They're nothing but trouble."

"So it would seem."

"Well at any rate-"  
The jailhouse door burst open suddenly, and Goku rushed in. His face was a little flushed from exertion, he was carrying a meat bun, and there was food on his face still, but he looked healthy, if not a little dusty.

"Sanzo! Hakkai!"

"Goku! Thank goodness." I reached through the bars to grip his shoulders, "Are you all right?"

"I'm okay. What about you? Didja' kill that guy?"

"We seem to be doing all right, all things considered. And yes, fortunately, Xiong is dead."

"What happened ta' Jade?"

I hadn't forgotten about the Asahara, but perhaps I'd been blocking her existence from my mind; as soon as Goku mentioned her, I felt disheartened and confused all over again, "She ran out on us when we arrived here. I can't say I'm disappointed."

"What were you thinking anyway?" Sanzo was suddenly right beside me, and it looked like he'd gotten free of his bonds as well. "You almost got yourself killed and then what? You came here for a little vacation?"

Goku grinned a little, but I got the feeling he was worried about something. "Sorry guys. We were gonna' go right away an' look for ya', but then we found this place an' Gojyo wanted ta' hang around an' check it out."

"Of course he did." Sanzo grumbled.

"Where is Gojyo now?" I asked.

"Dunno." Goku shrugged, taking a bite out of his meat bun, "He's been actin' weird since we got here—I ain't seen him in a few hours."

"That's disappointing news." The one man who might be able to get us out of this situation without any bloodshed was probably somewhere making love to a half-blood female for the very first time. How very like him to be thinking only of himself and his carnal desires while the rest of us were in dire straits. "Well," I smiled to myself, "I'll be sure to give him more than a piece of my mind when I see him again."

"Uh, Hakkai?"

I looked down at Goku to see him cringing away nervously, and beside me even Sanzo seemed a bit on edge. I must have been making that face again, the one that none of them seemed to like.

I laughed lightly, "I apologize. Just thinking out loud."

Goku hesitated another uncertain moment, "Anyway, I tried talkin' ta' Feng for ya', but he won't listen to me—he said if I kept pesterin' him he'd lock me in here too—sorry guys, I think you're stuck here for now."

"Yes. Why am I not surprised?"

"But it's okay. I'll try an' find Gojyo an' tell 'im you guys're here, then maybe he can convince Feng ta' let ya' out an' we can go. I dunno' if I like this place. It's nice an' ev'rything, but everybody treats me weird."

"I agree. It would seem that even the children of taboo are not outside the box of racism and prejudice." Arguably though, they had a right to confine themselves in the security of that box.

Goku stayed a little longer to chat with us about what he'd been doing—mostly listing off all the "awesome foods" he'd been eating—and then left to go look for Gojyo, although I had no doubt that he'd get distracted along the way at least several times before actually finding him.

I settled down on the floor to wait. "This could take some time." I mused.

"Hmph. This is all that damn Gojyo's fault to start with."

I couldn't even begin to fathom a rational explanation for why this little mess we were in was Gojyo's fault, so I didn't favor him with a response.

Tiredly, I rubbed my forehead. This wasn't such a problem though. A delay at best—which Sanzo wouldn't be happy about—but it could be easily resolved, even if the village leader wouldn't listen to Gojyo. We'd all learned on this trip that sometimes it just wasn't possible to take the path of least resistance.

We had much bigger problems, like Ryptcore and the Asahara, and of course we likely still had the regular crew of impotent assassins hunting us down. As usual, there was an absurd amount of violence following us, and I hated to think what could happen to this peaceful, little refuge if all those forces happened to collide here.

But even that wasn't a necessary concern of mine. Ryptcore was dangerous, but like any other enemy, we would exploit his weakness and overcome him. It was that woman who troubled me the most, because, to me at least, getting rid of her was not a simple matter of killing. She was already in my head, winding around my brain like a snake and sinking her fangs into my thoughts.

What's so wrong with being a youkai? I asked myself. What's so wrong with living and hunting and fighting and killing? I'd already spilt so much blood, why not spill a little more? Why not be free and wild and do whatever I felt like doing?

I toyed again with my limiter cuff. Take it off, and I'd be plunged into the true nature of a youkai, and I could come back if I wanted to by putting it on again. Lately things had been so frustrating, I thought it might be therapeutic to indulge in that side of myself, just for a little while.

Why not?

These were questions I felt I'd known the answer to not long ago, but now when I thought about them, my mind was left feeling empty and anxious and trapped, and I wasn't sure who I was anymore.

All because of that woman. All because of the way it had felt with her lips against mine.

I must have fallen asleep with those distressing thoughts in my head.

When I awoke, the sky outside was still gray as the sun rose out of the night, and the air was chilly; I felt stiff and sore and uncomfortable. Sanzo was lying on the cot, still sleeping, but he looked even more discontent than usual.

A man was sitting outside the cell with his back against the bars, looking up at the sky and smoking; like everyone here, he had that crimson hair, but his was long, and he was wearing a familiar brown jacket and black, leather pants.

I sat up stiffly, "Gojyo?"

"Hey, Hakkai. Sleep well?"

It was him. I felt a rush of relief. "Ah, no, I'm afraid the floor is a bit cold. And Sanzo snores."

"His holiness? Snore? No way."

"It's about time you showed up." I went on. "Goku told me he didn't know where you were."

"Yeah, it was kind of a weird day yesterday."

"I think we all feel the same way." Just being in this place was strange. "At any rate, do you think you can get them to let us go?"

He turned his head so I could see one crimson eye, "I'll try; I dunno though. The guy runnin' this place is sorta' an asshole. Wanted to kill Goku and everything."

"Yes, I see." That was disappointing too. We might have to spill some blood after all.

The demon inside of me ached to spill blood, and I almost couldn't silence it.

_What is happening to me?_

Gojyo was still talking, "Who knows though? Maybe he's in a good mood."

And speaking of moods, his seemed very strange. Something about it struck me as being unhappy.

"How are you?"

"Who me? I'm good. Survived the cave in and the militia, and now here I am…"

"I'm glad to hear that." I shifted around to lean against the bars as well, felt their cold steel digging into my back. "You know, I had no idea that anything like this existed in Shangri-La."

"Neither did I. It's beyond weird."

I thought a moment still considering his somewhat heavy tone, and I wondered if maybe he was just feeling confused. "I think it's good though, for the displaced outcasts to have a safe place to come to. Assuming they can find it."

I waited, but Gojyo didn't say a word. He shifted a little and flicked his lighter, even though his cigarette wasn't gone yet.

"At the very least, it's nicer for the children to grow up here than it is for them to roam the streets alone, subject to any form of abuse that might come their way." I spoke knowing I was at risk of crossing boundaries and touching painful memories, even though I wasn't sure what Gojyo's childhood had been like after his brother left him. Once or twice I'd encroached on similar topics, and always I got the distinct sense that there was a reason he didn't discuss it; when I tried to imagine how it might have been it was easy enough to understand why he wouldn't.

A life like that would be dangerous and painful and lonely.

"You're right." I was surprised he said even that much. Still, in those two words I could feel his confusion and desperation and heaviness clearer than ever.

"I apologize, Gojyo. I didn't mean to speak lightly of such an awful thing."

"What? Oh. No big deal, man. The past is the past." He grinned at me, but it seemed shallow and insincere. "Right?"

I found myself touching my limiter cuff again, "Right."

"Anyway, my life hasn't been _that_ bad, has it?"

Being severely abused and then finding yourself orphaned at age twelve seemed a rough life to me. I had never tried to compare my pain to his, because I knew that we were two different cards from the same deck.

"I suppose you decide that sort of thing, my friend."

He went on smoking. Breathed out heavily, "Yeah. Probably. Hey, Hakkai, do I…seem like a sad guy to you?"

It could very well be the oddest question he'd ever asked me, and I wasn't quite sure how to even begin answering it. In all honesty, it felt like another thing that should not have been touched at all, but he _was_ asking, so what could I do? "Sad? Not particularly, you don't seem sad."

"Right."

I lowered my voice, again knowing how dangerously close I was to crossing an invisible line; maybe it wasn't a line he'd mind my crossing so much though, especially if he was going to go asking me things like that. Truly, I felt that the four of us were a sad group of people—we all had our issues, and we all had our defense mechanisms and our way of dealing with things—but I'd be stupid to think ours were the kind of scars that might heal. With scars like ours, we'd all have to be crazy not to be a little sad, or else utterly heartless. Wasn't that why I felt that I could never touch anyone? Why Sanzo didn't like the rain? Why Goku used to be afraid of snow. Wasn't that why Gojyo was acting this way now?

So maybe that line was something I was afraid to cross, because I was afraid of what crossing it meant for me, but I knew I owed Gojyo my life. Four years hadn't changed that in the least.

"But I know you are…"

"I don't think I am. At least, I never thought I was. I guess though, I never really…got over it. I just spent my life looking for different ways to convince myself it didn't happen. Tell myself it wasn't my fault." He sat still a long moment, "Do you think not thinking about something is just another way to run from it?"

He was asking me a lot of hard questions today, things I'd never found the answers to myself, "I think it can be… Everyone has things in their past that are painful, Gojyo, and we all have certain things that can bring those memories to the surface." I thought about Jade and the way she made me remember how much I'd lost. I tried to let it go, even for just a moment. "What your mother did was inexcusable, and you certainly didn't deserve it, so I think it's only natural that you retain a certain level of regret over the fact."

He didn't answer.

"Just don't let it consume you." I warned.

"You neither, Hakkai."

Unsure of what he meant, I turned to face him, saw him looking back at me. Instead of addressing it—because I saw in his eyes what he was referring to—I asked softly, "Are you going to stay here?"

"Stay here? Why would I stay here?"

"Don't pretend you haven't considered it."

"No. Why would I want to stay here?"

"Because this place was built specifically for people like you."

"People like me? Hakkai, I'm just another person."

"What I mean is-"

"I got it. Sad, lonely, little half-breeds." He snorted. "I'm not pathetic, Hakkai. I don't need some oversized group therapy ward to get me through the rest of my life."

"I don't think you're pathetic, I just think…this place is a sanctuary for those who can never find belonging anywhere else."

Gojyo was quiet again, for a while. "Sanzo…wouldn't let me stay."

"I doubt Sanzo would want to waste the effort it would take to even admit that he cared whether you stay or not."

"Yeah, well you guys couldn't make it all the way to India without me."

"We might manage."

"Might."

"Well, it would definitely be more difficult, but I won't be the one to tell you to go with us if you want to stay here."

"So you're tryin' to get ridda' me?"

"No, I…" I suddenly felt a little sad myself, picturing driving away from him, likely never seeing him again. "Do you want to stay here?"

"I never said I did."

"Yes, but, Gojyo. Do you want to?"

He flicked his lighter again. "I don't know." That was sincere. "I honestly don't know."

"It might be best for you."

Gojyo glared at me half-heartedly, "You _are_ tryin' to get ridda' me."

I laughed a bit, but I didn't feel like laughing at all.

We were both quiet a while, sitting back to back, and presently Gojyo sighed, "Hakkai…you an' me…we're not…I mean…we're…"

He didn't finish, and he didn't have to. I knew already what he was trying to say, and I also knew that we could sit here for the rest of our lives and he'd probably never stutter it out, and I didn't know if I could say it myself, simply because I didn't need to. Whether or not Gojyo knew had never mattered before, but when I looked back on my lonely childhood in the orphanage, and even past that, in my years as a wandering teenager, or living in the town with Kanan, my friends had always been few and far between. Those I did have were shallow and worthless, and some of them I couldn't even remember with any sort of clarity; but Gojyo was the first person, other than Kanan, who'd I'd felt any true connection to, and even if I hadn't felt that it was necessary now, I felt the need to express it now. Especially if he were going to stay here and I was going to leave.

"You're the best friend I've ever had." I said quietly, gently.

Suddenly, his arm came through the bars and hooked around my neck. It was a physical demonstration of trust and affection I was familiar with by now, just like I was familiar with the scent of nicotine and tobacco. "Fuck. You're the only real friend I've ever had." He said simply, "Well, other than the monkey."

I smiled to myself, even though every moment that passed I was feeling all the sadder, and for some reason I couldn't help remember the way Banri had left him to die.

"If you do stay here, do you think you'll be happy?"

"Maybe."

"Then you should stay."

He pulled his arm away just as suddenly as he'd put it through, and I heard him stand up. "Yeah…"

"I'll miss you."

Gojyo set his hand on top of my head, but just for a second, "Yeah."

I heard him walk away. "I guess I'll go talk to Feng now, see about getting you guys out."

For the first time I noticed Sanzo was awake, sitting up on his elbows looking at me. I couldn't read his expression.

"Thank-you." I said as casually as I could. "That would be very helpful."

Sanzo and I sat in the jailhouse a while a longer, neither of us saying anything. I considered asking him how much he had heard of the conversation between Gojyo and I, but in the end I wasn't sure I actually wanted to know.

The guard came when the sun had been up a few hours, bringing with him a couple plates of meager food which I picked at reluctantly. For some reason I was wishing it were a slab of bloody meat rather than dry bread and rice, and I couldn't help staring out the window toward the woods, and for some reason I longed to be out there, in the wild, killing and hunting as I pleased.

I shook the thoughts off. All day, I did my best to push them away. Yet they came back to me when I stopped guarding against them, and each time they were a little stronger and a little harder to silence.

When a few hours had gone by, I got up and began to pace, clenching and unclenching my fists, half-hoping I'd feel claws scraping against my palms. Half-wishing some need to fight would arise so I could remove my limiter. Here and again I'd pause beside the window and listen to the sounds of the forest, and imagine stalking through the shadows and the trees, hunting for warmth of blood and flesh.

Sanzo watched me through a veil of smoke. "You seem restless."

"Hm? Oh, I'm just wondering where Gojyo is. He should have been back by now."

"That idiot. He probably forgot what he's supposed to be doing and went home with some random woman."

"I hope not."

Again, I hesitated at the window. Jade the Asahara was out there somewhere. No doubt she was still close, waiting for us to come back from the village. She was likely watching us, even now. I thought of our fight and her hot kiss on my lips, and I felt wilder than ever. I felt the passion and the violence flooding through me. I flicked my limiter.

If Gojyo didn't come back soon we might actually have to break out of here. We might have to fight.

A fight.

I wrapped my fingers around my limiter. Snap it off, easy as that, and I could tear through the walls and break down the bars. I could easily slaughter any half-blood that got in my way. Easy as thinking. All I had to do was take the limiter off. I could put it back on later, but right now…

Gojyo stormed through the door, flinging it open hard enough that it slammed against the wall, and Goku trotted in after him.

Sanzo and I moved to stand at the bars. "Well?" Sanzo asked impatiently.

"Well. Feng's an even bigger asshole than I thought."

"No luck then?" I asked hopelessly.

"Naw. He says he can't trust you."

"Can't trust us? You were supposed to vouch for us, or did you forget, you damn kappa?"

"I _did_, highness; I argued with him for over an hour, but the guy won't budge."

"Wonder why not." Goku locked his arms behind his head and looked thoughtful.

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe because Sanzo showed up packing heat."  
Sanzo's eyes narrowed, "More likely because they're a group of dense, control freak half-bloods."

"Either way." I interrupted before they could start fighting. "It does create a problem, being locked in here. I'm sure I don't have to remind anyone that we're on a strict schedule."

"Then what'da' we do?" Goku toyed with the chain on the cell door. "Can't we just bust 'em out?"

"We could." Gojyo agreed darkly. "But it doesn't seem like Feng will just let them go."

"We'd have to fight." I added, but I didn't feel as distressed about that as I should have been. "And as inconvenient as this may be, these people haven't done us any harm."

Goku nodded, "I guess you're right, that wouldn't be very nice. We don't wanna' kill any half-bloods or whatever if we don't hafta'."

"Who doesn't?" Sanzo sneered.

Gojyo gave him a half-hearted look, but said, "I'll try talking to Feng again; if nothing else, I can probably steal the key and sneak you guys out at night."

"Sounds like a plan to me." Goku gave the chain one last tug. "Bustin' 'em out shouldn't be too hard-"

"Just we should avoid it if we can."

There must have been something truly wrong with me, because when the other three seemed perfectly content with the plan, I felt disappointed, and when Goku and Gojyo were gone again, off to fight with Feng some more, I could only stand beneath the window and stare out and fiddle more with my limiter, and by the time the sun was setting, the urge to take it off had swelled so high, I wasn't sure I could fight it any longer.

Jade was out there, being wild and free. How I wished I could be out there too, with her, facing her as an enemy or an ally. Whatever the case may be, I wanted…

Something I couldn't quite describe.

Her voice echoed in my mind.

_"I want to see what you look like—your true form."_

My true form. The person I was when my power wasn't being controlled. My natural essence.

I may have been human once, but now I was a youkai. I had to except it. Embrace it even. And there was only one way to do that.

_"The humans have enslaved you. Don't you want to be free?"_

How I did wish to be free. At times, I felt that's all I ever wanted. Free to walk and love and be just as I pleased, to pursue my own dreams and become whoever I wanted. I'd been denied everything I'd ever wanted. Where could I find peace now? Where could I find freedom? In my youkai form at least I could behave however I wanted and not be concerned with concequences.

I reached up, seriously considering unclipping the limiter.

"Hakkai? Is everything all right?"  
I noticed Sanzo behind me, and I realized I'd been standing in the same place for…well God knows how long.

"Of course." I answered faintly. "Of course, I'm fine."

But I could feel that dangerous, poisonous kiss still, making me give in, making me turn to my youkai side. Making me want to remove my limiter of my own free will, to be free, as a demon.

After all, that's what I was, and had been even before I killed a thousand youkai. A human with that much potential for murder in his heart was a demon already. He'd have to be to shed so much blood. I'd thought before, as I thought now, that perhaps I'd been born a killer.

_"You speak with such elegance and certainty, Cho Hakkai, but I know better."_

My head began to ache as I played those words over and over.

_"…I know better. You are not the peaceful diplomat you seem…"_

No. No, that was true; I was always acting the part of the pacifist—the sensible, level-headed one—but in fact, I may have been the craziest of us all.

_"Deep inside you, the heart of a monster devours your sanity, little by little…"_

Hadn't I long since felt that monstrous thing inside me, trying to destroy my sanity? Trying to destroy what was left of my human heart? At last I felt like I might be giving in to my true nature.

_"You are a killer like I am._"

_Like all youkai._

"Hakkai." Sanzo called, but he seemed very far away—too far to reach me at any rate.

Now I felt her beside me, sliding in through the window and creeping up beside me. I felt her cool fingers easing up the back of my neck to my ear. I felt the heat of her mouth beside my face, "Why do you hold on so tightly to this farce, my darling? To fight and kill is a beautiful thing."

"You're wrong. _It's _wrong. Killing…isn't right."

"Do you honestly believe that?" She tapped her claws lightly against my limiter.

It was something I'd doubted once or twice before, but still, I knew it to be true.

"It might be wrong." She murmured, her green eyes glowing, even in the darkness, and she gripped my hand in hers, "But that doesn't mean it isn't beautiful. That doesn't mean you weren't made for it."

Who made such rules anyway?

She kissed me gently on the cheek. "Let me show you."

I moaned and let my head fall forward, nearly falling into her.

With a snap, the first limiter is off.

"Long ago, youkai were made from the earth, just as humans were, only we were made to fight and to hunt—the world's greatest predator—but we were overrun by them, and now they rule us like common beasts."

Her second kiss was sweet as death, linging on my lips, a burning sting. She pulled the second cuff off.

"Wouldn't you want to know? Aren't you even curious to feel how it was once? To be so strong and so independent and free? To govern thyself and let no one else dictate how you live your life?"

_Yes. I have long wanted to break free from the pointless rules of society…_

I thought I heard Sanzo call my name again, but there was no turning back now.

"Then let me show you, Cho Hakkai." She took my hand and pressed her lips to my knuckles, then lifted my fingers to touch the final golden band that was binding me to my sanity. "For you will never find that freedom in your human life—that violence and glory exists only for we youkai, and you're only denying yourself the greatest pleasure our kind can ever know. Now…"

I gripped the final limiter.

Sanzo was right behind me, all but yelling at me, demanding what I was doing. But it was too late.

"Foolish human."

Snap.

The last cuff was off. It was a sparkle of yellow as it fell to the floor.

Deep inside me, I felt the change: a ripping and tearing of the soul, a stretching of flesh and a pounding in my head. My teeth and fingernails itched and my muscles rippled. I may have screamed. I might not have. It was hard to remember everything in the midst of the transformation. But I knew there was a flash of brilliant, forest green, and then smiling, polite, human Hakkai fell away, and only I was left. A brutal, dark shape.

"Hakkai!"

Sanzo grabbed my shoulder, "What are you-"  
I struck him just hard enough to send him flying across the room, and I barely cared. Break every bone in his body. What did it matter? I was a youkai, free to do as I wished with this human. Free to do whatever I wanted.

A smile curved on my lips and I flexed my long, sharp claws.

Yes. This was true power. This trembling inside and out, this charge of energy flooding through me and coursing through every vein. Not everyone got to experience this.

I raised my hand and smashed through the wall of the jail, letting in the sweet smells of the forest and of the rain in, opening up my dark, closed off little world into a new one. One with a shining, bright future, and a promise of bloodshed and freedom just within my reach.

It was as easy as busting through Styrofoam.

Let's see a human do that.


	9. Chapter 9

Sanzo

I was running as fast as I could, cursing under my breath. "Shit. Shit."

In the distance, I heard screaming and gunshots, and yet I just couldn't run quite fast enough.

After Hakkai hit me, I'd lain there, dazed a few moments, but I don't think I'd gone completely unconscious. My face hurt like hell, and I could already feel my jaw bruising, but it apparently had been a light enough punch that it hadn't hurt me very bad.

When I got up again—whether it was ten seconds later or ten minutes—I was able to hear the frantic shouting in the distance. It seemed to be coming from somewhere down the road, not that far from the jail. Maybe from the park we'd passed earlier.

"Dammit, Hakkai, why would you…?"

He'd just…

There was no time to worry about that now. I had to run faster.

As I went, half-breeds were streaming past me in a panicked flood of people, fleeing to their homes and to the outskirts of town. None of them so much as looked twice at me, and I had to weave through them carefully. Having so many youkai around me put me on guard, and I held my gun tightly. I was lucky to have gotten it off the guard outside the jailhouse

If I was really lucky, I wouldn't have to use it. Not on Hakkai.

On the side of the road, I saw a child standing and screaming and crying, probably looking for his parents, or whoever looked after him.

"Dammit. Did he lose his mind?"

This wasn't like him. This busting out of jails and running wild wasn't like Hakkai.

_Not like human Hakkai._

Youkai Hakkai was a different matter. It wasn't something you saw every day, and when you did, it was definitely something that would scare the shit out of you.

Even out of me.

I managed to make my way to the park without colliding with a single, stupid half-blood, and from there, it wasn't hard to find him. He was balanced perfectly on top of the swing set, Feng's damn militia clustered around him, weapons drawn, aimed and ready.

"Shit."

Hakkai was grinning down at them, a devil's smile.

The very sight of him turned my blood cold. Those sharp ears and sharp teeth and sharp claws. Those piercing, demonic, green eyes. Those bizarre, vine-like markings. All of it was just a hallmark of absolute terror and destruction. It all screamed youkai. It all screamed danger.

I'd never get used to seeing Goku in his youkai form. Seeing that was always disconcerting; but at least I knew Goku, and I understood him—I was damn near raising the brat—and above all else, I knew how to get him back to normal. I knew how to deal with his loss of sanity.

Hakkai was different. I could count on one hand all the times I'd seen him in this form, and I definitely didn't know exactly what he was capable of, and more importantly, I didn't know any tricks for getting him back to normal. As far as I knew, it was probably just a matter of hope he's still sane enough to listen and try to convince him to put his limiter cuffs back on.

Hakkai was so level-headed and sensible. That should be easy. I tightened the grip on my gun.

Right?

"Sanzo!" Goku and Gojyo ran up beside me. For once, they both looked alert and ready for action, and to his credit, Gojyo didn't have some half-naked girl hanging off him.

"What the heck's goin' on?" Goku demanded, staring up at Hakkai. "I thought you guys were in jail!"

"We were."

"What happened to his limiter?" Gojyo asked. As if I knew.

I shook my head, trying to hide how distressed I was by the news I had to relay to them, "He just took it off."

Both of them gave me the same stupid, dumb animal look at the same moment, "Took it off? What'dya' mean?"

"I mean he took it off. We were just standing there and he took it off and broke through the wall."

I remember uneasily how strange he'd been acting, more or less all day, pacing and muttering to himself and tugging at his ear until I thought I was going to go insane from watching him. Still, I'd never dreamed he'd just remove his limiter.

"That don't sound like Hakkai." Goku said worriedly. "Why would he do that?"

"Hell if I know. It's not like he confided in me about it first, Goku."

"Yeah, but what now? Think we can get 'im ta' just put it back on?"

"It doesn't look like he's killed anyone yet." Gojyo observed, "So maybe he's not berserk."

That was our only hope. Maybe he wasn't beserk, and maybe we could talk him in to putting his limiter back on.

"All right. You." I pointed at Gojyo.

He looked shocked and outraged by that, "'You'? What, did you forget my damn name now?"

"You, go talk to him."

"Why me?"

"Don't play dumb with me, Gojyo, you know why."

"No, actually, I don't. And you can't just order me around and expect me to hop to."

"Listen." I ground my teeth, barely fighting the urge to punch his insolent face in, "You lived with that crazy bastard for three years, you know him better than anyone else does, so _you_ get to bring him around."

Gojyo looked pissed, but I knew he knew I was right, so he shoved past me and went and stood with the militia.

Goku and I followed him, and I murmured, "Be ready to fight, Goku."

"Fight? Hakkai? Isn't there some other way?"

"There might be. We need to see how far gone he is…honestly though, if he removed his own limiter, there's not much hope."

"But he's our friend, Sanzo. We can't just-"

"That's the way it is though. All three of you knew that when we started this journey."

He was silent, and by the time we reached the swing set he had his bo in hand.

Gojyo was in the process of snapping back and forth with the big leader half-blood, who I assumed was Feng. "Just leme' freakin' handle this!"

"Handle this how? He needs to be exterminated!"

"You can't do that."

"And why not?"

I cut in to save Gojyo the headache of trying to concoct an intelligent answer, "Because, if you attack him he'll kill you, and probably all of your men too. So far he hasn't killed anyone; you should be grateful for that."

"That's right." Gojyo said triumphantly—as if he'd thought the answer up by himself—"so just let us handle this, and back off."

Feng glared at him a while longer, and then grumbled something under his breath, ordered his men to fall back.

Hakkai watched the exchange with sparkling eyes.

Gojyo stepped up a little closer, standing almost directly beneath Hakkai. I thought it was a stupid place to stand myself, seeing how if Hakkai was actually berserk, it would be easy for him to jump down on him, but I didn't care enough to interfere.

"Oy, Hakkai." He called, "What's up?" Then he lit a cigarette.

Dumbass.

Hakkai stayed crouched on top of the swing set, looked down at Gojyo like a thirsty vulture. "Hello Gojyo."

His voice sounded the same at least; it was casual and familiar. Like they hadn't seen each other in a little while, and that was all.

It must have startled Gojyo, because he couldn't react for almost half a minute, and then he all but stuttered, "Hey man."

"What do you want?"

"Nothin'. Just…came to see what you're up to."

How irritating. It was like listening to a couple of damn teenagers.

"Well, you have eyes to see, haven't you? What does it look like I'm doing?"

Another, shorter hesitation, "I don't know. What the hell _are_ you doing?"

Hakkai was quiet, like he didn't know either, and I felt like there was a lot more implication in Gojyo's question than I'd picked up on. In that one question he was asking half a dozen others. Why would you do this? Do you even know what you're doing? Have you gone berserk? Don't you see I have to clean up after your mess now? Why are you being so selfish?

I forced myself to stay patient and watch. After all, I told Gojyo to do this because I knew he was the only one who could.

Hakkai answered at last, stretching his claws lazily, "I wouldn't expect you to understand, but wearing that limiter is a lot like being in a cage. Every now and then, I just want out."

That didn't sound much like Hakkai. I exchanged glances with Goku, wondering if we might still have to take him out.

"Since when?" Gojyo demanded, "You've never 'wanted out' before. And don't you realize you're fuckin' around with the minus wave when you do this? These days, your limiter isn't something you can take on and off like a damn condom."

Hakkai laughed. It was a mean version of his typical, mocking laughter. "Oh, Gojyo. With you, it's always about sex, one way or another. You should really try to grow up some day."

"Grow up, huh? How would you suggest I do that, buddy?'

"For starters, you should realize that gambling is not an acceptable means of consistent income. In other words, it does not qualify as 'a job'." Hakkai leapt down from the swing set suddenly, landed lightly in front of Gojyo. "And secondly, you might consider the fact that you're not always going to be twenty-two and irresistible to women, so you might think about finding a woman who actually loves you. And lastly, recognize that I'm not gong to spend the rest of my life cleaning up after you. As I said. Grow up."

That was uncharacteristically blunt and malicious. I wished I could have thought to say all those things to Gojyo myself before this night, but then again, they were the kinds of things that only Hakkai could say to Gojyo in the first place.

Gojyo was unruffled. He took a long drag off his cigarette, "Man, you get nasty without that earring of yours. You been wantin' to say that a long time?"

"Perhaps." Hakkai grinned.

"Yeah, well I know what your tryin' ta' do, Hakkai, and it won't work. I'm not fighting with you."

Hakkai stood perfectly still and loose, arms hanging at his sides, and tilted his head forward, agressively, breathing out slowly, and smiling all the while. "My goodness, Gojyo. Perhaps you're growing up after all… You certainly are. Lame."

On that last word, he took a swing at Gojyo's face, much like the way he'd swung at mine, only his claws were open, ready to shred flesh from bone.

My heart lurched in my chest.

Goku started forward.

But Gojyo didn't move. He was biting his lip hard, but he didn't so much as flinch.

Hakkai stopped his attack half an inch short, claws hovering beside Gojyo's face, and he too stood perfectly still.

They stared at each other a while. The tension in the air was maddening, and I couldn't help gripping my gun even tighter, until my knuckles were hurting. I saw that Gojyo's fists were clenched just as tightly. If Hakkai had actually hit him, he could have done some serious damage.

"Hm." Hakkai's smile came back, all the more devilish, "Now that was odd, my friend. Why didn't you move? Don't you realize I could have ripped your very face off?"

"Because I know you wouldn't hit me, Hakkai. So quit this bullshit now and put your limiter back on."

The smile dropped away.

Without warning, Hakkai kneed him in the stomach, apparently as hard as he could, and then let him slump to the ground, gasping for air.

"Hey!" Goku started again.

"Easy." I muttered half-heartedly.

Hakkai began to circle around Gojyo, glancing up at Goku with dark cheer when he shouted. "Insolent and stupid. You're always that way, aren't you? Come now. Why would you assume I wouldn't hit you? Particularly right now? You might say…I'm not myself."

"Not yourself maybe…" Gojyo sputtered, still straining to breath, "But…you're not…berserk."

"No, I suppose you're right in that."

"So. Put your fuckin' limiter back on. Or. I really will. Kick your fuckin' ass."

Hakkai knelt beside him suddenly, claws shining in the moonlight. He grabbed a handful of Gojyo's hair and jerked his head up, "That sounds interesting. Let's try that second option."

"Fuck you, Hakkai."

"Yes, yes, it's always fuck with you. But no one's doing any fucking tonight, Gojyo. Now get on your feet. I dare you. Kick my ass." His grin was even sharper.

"This ain't goin' so good, Sanzo." Goku whispered.

That was an understatement. I wondered if I should step in—obviously Hakkai didn't want to listen to reason.

I watched Hakkai yank Gojyo to his feet by his hair. If this didn't turn around in ten seconds, I was going to shoot the bastard, chalk his behavior up to the minus wave, and get the hell out of this pathetic, little town.

_Don't make me do that, Hakkai_.

Once he was up, Gojyo shoved him off viciously, and I could tell he'd lost his temper; he was aching to throw a punch.

If he did, it might just be the death of him.

"Sanzo…" Goku hissed. "What should we do?"

_Hell if I know. Maybe I should just shoot them both and go to bed._

"Fight me." Hakkai taunted. "Come on, Gojyo, we're friends, aren't we? What's a little fist fight between friends?"

Gojyo grinned back at him, but it was a ferocious, angry smile, "See, the thing is, you got _those_." He gestured to Hakkai's claws, "And I don't got shit."

"So summon your shakujou. That would certainly make this more interesting, don't you think? Otherwise, I fear this will be a bit one-sided." Hakkai splayed his claws, raised his hand to strike.

Behind us, I heard a low twang, followed by something hissing through the air, turned just in time to see one of the half-blood archers lower his bow.

Hair flying, I looked back to Hakkai and Gojyo.

Hakkai was holding an arrow in the hand that had just been poised to strike, as if he'd snatched it out of mid-air, and the tip was only centimeters from his forehead.

The smile was darker than ever. "Half-blood." He crooned, staring down the archer who'd fired. "That was very rude, interrupting our conversation like that.

The archer was shaking hard, but his face didn't betray any fear. His comrades were all staring at him like he was crazy. "W-well. You were gonna' kill him." He stuttered defiantly.

Idiot.

"What an interesting notion, me killing Gojyo. Don't you find that fascinating, Gojyo?" He lowered the arrow and looked at Gojyo again, like the archer and the other half-bloods didn't exist.

"Hell no. No I don't."

Hakkai sighed, "You _are_ lame, my friend." Then he ran his foreclaw lightly down Gojyo's face to his neck. "But I don't think I could kill you. Cockroaches are absurdly long-lived and hardy. However." He suddenly turned his attention back to the archer, "Not every impudent mutt with red hair is a cockroach, am I right?"

The archer took a step back.

It was too late; firing at Hakkai had been his doom.

"Hakkai, wait!" Gojyo clawed at him, trying to grab his shirt.

Hakkai was too fast. He sprang away instants before Gojyo could catch him, and rushed the archer, arrow still in hand.

"Dammit!" I cursed, raising my gun.

He was quick. Even as I was taking aim, he jammed the arrow head through the archer's chest and into his shoulder; blood spurted down over his wrist.

The other half-bloods went wild. Feng shouted and took a swing at Hakkai with the giant battle axe he was carrying.

I fired my gun.

Hakkai darted to the side.

Both attacks missed. My bullet ricocheted off the face of the axe.

Laughing Hakkai knocked Feng down. He made it look easy, knocking down a man twice his weight, and then he started attacking the other half-breeds. It was insane to watch him go after them, one after another, and slice them open or bust their faces. It was scary to see Hakkai of all people acting so out of control.

"Crap!" Goku ran forward with his bo.

I aimed my gun again, but he was moving so fast I couldn't get a decent shot, so I dropped it and followed Goku.

Instead of attacking Hakkai, Goku started fighting the half-bloods, knocking them back, lightly smacking them, just enough to stun them and deter them and distract them. "Are you people stupid? He'll kill ya'!"

I passed him, making my way determinedly toward Hakkai. "Hakkai! Dammit, stop this!"

A hybrid caught my robes as I was running by him, tried to hit me in the face with the club he was carrying.

"I am _not_ in the mood!" I yelled, knocking him good in the teeth so he stumbled back, bleeding from the mouth, and then I continued on my way, desperately elbowing my way through the crowd, trying to get to Hakkai. He hadn't seemed quite berserk when he was talking to Gojyo. He wasn't himself, that was true, but I didn't think he was berserk yet. That meant we still had a chance to stop him.

He was at the center of the chaos now, ignoring everyone around him and fighting with Feng, that gleeful, dark grin still twisting his normally pleasant, annoyingly cheerful face.

Feng was shouting, taking swing after swing with the axe, but he always missed, and I could see that he was getting frustrated. I dove in closer, screaming at Hakkai to stop.

The chain of Gojyo's shakujou flew over my head. He caught Feng around the legs with it and tripped him, and Feng landed heavily, with a cry of outrage, a spew of curses, and a winded gasp.

Hakkai turned his attention on Gojyo, smiling bigger than ever, "Now that's more like it—let's test your aim, shall we?"

Better not. I turned to snap at Gojyo, "Gojyo! Don't!"

For once, that idiot was one step ahead of me. The shakujou was already gone, and he was stepping through the crowd of half-bloods—by now, most of them were running the other way—and when he was close enough, he jumped on Hakkai, slammed hard against him, taking him down. They scrambled around on the ground a moment, wrestling, and I heard Hakkai snapping and snarling like an animal and saw glimpses of his glinting, white teeth. Not smiling anymore.

When it was over, Gojyo was on top, Hakkai pinned securely to the ground, but he was bleeding a little, and it looked like Hakkai had bit him in the shoulder. He was panting, "There. You crazy fuck. Let's see ya' get outta' this."

Hakkai stopped thrashing back and forth and glared up at Gojyo hatefully. "Give me half a chance and I swear to God I'll rip out your throat, Gojyo."

"I bet you will, sunshine. Sanzo! Please tell me you brought his fucking limiter!"

"Hn. I'm not an idiot." I stepped in to stand over them. Goku hung back, keeping the crowd away. I reached into my robes and produced the three small, golden cuffs, but hesitated, "Gojyo…if he's berserk, the limiter may not-"

"Just fuckin' put them on him, asshole!"

Being ordered around by Gojyo of all people was not only annoying, it was enraging, and it made me want to kick him in the face, but I crouched down next to him, limiters in hand.

Hakkai struggled a moment.

"Hey. Don't." Gojyo leaned over him, "You know it's for the best."

I took the opportunity to snap the first one on.

Hakkai shouted in outrage, even managed to pull one arm free and gripped Gojyo's wrist, digging his claws in; but by then, he was already changing back, and in a matter of moments, his claws were gone and his ears were normal, and the demonic light faded from his eyes. His breath hitched, like he was dying, and then, just like that, he was human again, looking lost and confused, and then the confusion lifted too, and he just looked horrified.

I snapped the other two cuffs back on and stood up, still feeling tense. Goku stood next to me, his bo still out.

If Hakkai was berserk, he'd just take the limiter off and go on with his rampage. We'd have to kill him.

Everyone was quiet, all the half-breeds were watching, ready to attack if they had to.

At last Hakkai murmured, "Oh no."

Gojyo frowned, slowly letting go of Hakkai's shoulders, "Oh no?"

Hakkai sat up, all but knocking Gojyo off him. "Oh no. Oh no. I…" He stood up, looking like he was sleepwalking, and his eyes focused first on me, and then on Goku. They went wide with panic as he scanned the crowd of hybrids. "What have I done?"

"Hey man." Gojyo got up too, "Just calm down."

"Calm?" Hakkai snapped at him immediately, "Calm? Are you crazy? How can I possibly be calm when I've just finished—Gojyo. You're bleeding. I…I did that to you, didn't I?"

Gojyo touched the bite mark on his shoulder, "Well, yeah, but-"

"How? How can you ask me to be calm at a time like this?" He whipped around to face me, "Sanzo, what about you? I hit you, didn't I? Are you all right?"

I hadn't even thought about my bruised, throbbing face in the last half-hour, but now that he mentioned it, the stinging in my jaw really hurt, and it was pissing me off. I didn't answer him, not knowing how.

"I-I'm so sorry, everyone. I don't know what I was thinking…"

"What'd ya' take your limiter off for anyway?" Goku asked, finally letting his bo disappear.

"I'm not sure. I…just suddenly felt the urge. I know that's not a good reason…"

The three of us waited for him to say more, but he didn't, and then I grumbled, "Hn. We might as well all go back to bed now. It's over." I knew that was a light way to handle the situation, but I couldn't think of anything else we could do; if Hakkai had suddenly felt the urge to remove his limiter, there was no way of knowing what had caused that urge. It was something he had to figure out for himself, and I was not going to lose sleep over it.

"Over?" Feng demanded as I turned to go. He and his group were standing off to the side, all injured and bleeding, and Feng was holding a woman up by the waist, her head sagging unconsciously. They looked angry and afraid and shocked. "How can you say that? How can you just decide it's over? Look what that crazy son-of-a-bitch did to us! After this, why would you even think it's okay to just say 'it's over' and then go back to bed? That psycho killer could have destroyed our whole village!"

Goku spoke up defiantly, "But he wouldn't."

"You don't know that, youkai."

I growled. "So how many of your men are dead?"

Feng hesitated, almost looking sheepish for a moment, "None."

"None?" Gojyo laughed. "You know what, you got lucky. Now quit your bitchin' and go home and fuck your wife."

Angrier than ever, Feng glared at him. "You have a lot of nerve saying that, Gojyo. Not five hours ago you were in my home, eating my food, and trying to talk me into letting your friends go free. You said they weren't dangerous and that they'd never hurt a fly. You said the _priest_ is a little trigger happy."

I glared at Gojyo, but he made a point not to look back at me.

"But you insisted that your buddy Hakkai is a 'damn good dude, who wouldn't hurt anybody for anything, even if he _is_ a youkai.' Your good friend there almost killed you tonight, kid, and you want me to feel lucky that none of my men are dead?"

Gojyo exploded, "Look here, asshole! None of your men would have a scrape on them if they'd just stayed the hell out of it! That's why I told you we'd handle it-"

"You're crazy, Gojyo! Absolutely crazy! Traveling with youkai and a 'trigger happy' human! For the life of me, I can't figure out what's wrong with you!"

"At least I'm not hiding here with all the other half-breeds in the world, just waiting for more to show up. At least I've got a life!"  
"We have a life here! And your youkai friend could have destroyed it tonight!"

"Feng, you bastard, I-"

Their arguing was already getting tedious, and I was about to step in, when Hakkai suddenly broke away from us and began walking quickly toward the edge of the town.

"Hey, Hakkai!" Goku called after him, "Where're ya' goin'? Hakkai, wait!"

He didn't answer, and when Goku started to follow him, I stopped him with a low, "Let him go."

"But Sanzo!"  
"He's got a lot to figure out, Goku. Best to leave him to it."

The three of us stared after him, and then Gojyo went after him.

"Oi! Kappa, didn't you hear a word I just said?"

"Go to hell, Sanzo." He muttered, and kept going.

"Stupid bastard." But there was no stopping him, and it wasn't really my problem, so I let him go.

For a few more moments, Goku called after them, but it was no use, and before long, they were both out of sight. Who knew? Maybe neither of them would ever come back.

Exhausted, I went and retrieved my gun, muttering underneath my breath, "Tomorrow better not be anywhere near as long as today was."

Hakkai

"Hakkai, c'mon, this is ridiculous." Gojyo called, and judging from the sound of his voice and the clumsy way he tromped through the woods, snapping twigs and stumbling over logs, he was still right behind me. "Just wait up a minute."

I was out of the village now, leaving it further and further behind, sinking deeper and deeper into the forest, going back the way we'd come in the first place, and I didn't want stop or wait up or listen to whatever he had to say. Part of me felt like I couldn't even bear to look at him. I could remember in such clarity everything I'd done while my limiter was off, the way I'd taunted him and insulted him and attacked him. It would be convenient to tell myself I'd done those things because I wasn't myself, or because I'd lost control, but I couldn't when I'd removed the limiter myself and when I'd been perfectly aware of everything I was doing.

Everything was a little hazy when my limiter was put back on, but I could still remember sawing through half-breed after half-breed, and the horrible thoughts I'd had about my friends. The things I'd wanted to do to them.

With thoughts like that still so fresh in my head, how could I ever look at Gojyo again?

He came up beside me, "Hakkai! Stop! I just wanna' talk to you."

"So talk."

Strangely enough, he stayed silent for several minutes after that, just walking through the woods beside me.

"Or do you not really know what to say?" I asked quietly.

"I don't." He admitted, "I have no idea what to say. Other than…look, this wasn't your fault."

What an ignorant, amusing notion. Clearly his grasp of the situation was even shakier than I thought it was. "Then do tell; whose fault was it?"

"I dunno', but you weren't yourself, so-"

"I was myself enough to know what I was doing and to…to want to do it."

He sighed. "Fair enough. But hey. Hey, wait." He grabbed my arm, so finally I had to stop and look at him. "You weren't really going to rip my face off, were you?"

"_You_ were supposed to dodge. By the way, it's very unlike you to be so trusting, even of me. I'd advise you to overcome that next time."

"What?" Gojyo looked annoyed by that. More than annoyed, even. He looked angry. "Now I'm not supposed to trust you? Hakkai, we're friends."

"Yes, but without my limiter I'm afraid I'm a touch unpredictable. Wouldn't you agree?"

"Well, yeah, but—dammit, Hakkai, that's not the point."

"No, I suppose you're right." I looked up ahead to where I could see the wall Sanzo and Jade and I had climbed over earlier. It was hard to make out in the night, and I was glad to see it, but I couldn't help also feeling the vaguest wave of uncertainty, and I wondered if the Asahara was out here somewhere still, watching us and listening to our conversation. "I owe you an apology, Gojyo. It wasn't my place to say those things to you."

"Hell, I know you didn't mean it."

"Oh, no, don't misunderstand." I smiled sadly. "I meant what I said, I just shouldn't have said it."

"Ouch."

"And speaking of things that shouldn't have been said, why did you tell Feng all those lies about me not hurting anyone? Were you trying to convince yourself that I'm a good person, or did you honestly forget that I killed a thousand youkai and hundreds of humans before I even became a youkai myself?"

"I didn't forget. I was just tryin' to get him to let you out of there."

"I suppose that sounds the most like you."

"Hakkai, just don't beat yourself up for this. Bein' a youkai and wearing a limiter's gotta' be pretty hard to do on a daily basis."

I directed my eyes to the sky and the canopy above, thinking about what I'd done and asking myself why. "It never has been before, but today…" What did happen today? I couldn't make any sense of why I'd done that, but it had been foolish. I could have killed my friends and all the villagers, gone berserk and joined the revival, all out of a sudden bout of wistfulness.

Gojyo waited a minute before going on, "Look, don't worry about it. Whatever made you do that, it doesn't matter. I just didn't want you to go away thinkin' I'm pissed at ya'."

I forced a laugh, "Honestly, the thought never crossed my mind, but it's good to hear just the same."

He lit a cigarette. "You don't have to leave, you know. No one said you did."

"They didn't have to say it for me to know that I'm not welcome there. I never was to begin with."

"I guess not. Are you coming back?"

"I can't say. There are too many things for me to figure out, and I don't think I should go back to the village after tonight. But I am going to continue going west with Sanzo, after I've cleared my head."

Gojyo snorted, "Of course."

I took a little time to decide what to say next, and then spoke as casually as I could, "If you do decide to stay here, this will be the last time I see you."

He seemed startled by that, and it took him a while to reply. "Yeah, I guess so."

That alone made me finally turn and look at him, trying my best to smile, "In that case, goodbye."

Gojyo didn't smile back or even answer me. Several times I thought he was going to say something, but he never did, and eventually I decided he would probably never say anything, so I continued to make my way through the woods, leaving him behind.

"Later, Hakkai." He called.

He went his separate way, back to the village, and I continued forward, marching under the moonlight; when I climbed back over the wall and stood among the trees on the other side, I suddenly felt like I could breathe easier, and the air seemed sweeter. I was glad to be away from that village, but perhaps that was only because I'd spilled innocent blood there.

_You didn't kill anyone._

As I continued walking, I stared down at my hands, horrified to see that there was still a little blood on them. I should have been used to that by now, but I hated the sight, and I had to tear my gaze away, looked around, and to distract myself, asked, what now?

Make camp, I suppose. Sleep off the nightmare I'd been having, and hopefully in the morning I'd have a clearer perspective.

Jeep circled down from the canopy, chirping, and landed on my outstretched arm.

"There you are." I scratched the top of his head, "I was beginning to think you were afraid of me."

Jeep crooned and hopped up on my shoulder to settle there.

"I wouldn't blame you if you were." I murmured.

What I did back there was inexcusable, whether I'd killed someone or not, and yet, I couldn't explain _why_ I'd done it. All I could remember was that sweet, poisonous voice whispering to me like black velvet in the dark, and that terrible compulsion to be free; free to fight and free to kill.

"I've never wanted any of those things."

I touched my limiter, reassured to feel it in place. After all what good was freedom if it came at the sacrifice of sanity?

What a horrible thing to lose, sanity. To think how I'd behaved earlier tonight, the thoughts I'd had, and the ever lingering, barely suppressed desire to kill everyone, including my friends. I'd only just managed to control myself—the ordeal could have turned out much worse.

Regardless, how was I supposed to crawl back to Sanzo and the others after what I'd done?

I began to pace.

Of course I wanted to continue with the mission. I had Jeep, and therefore the others required my assistance; I wasn't afraid of their judgment either. I knew that they weren't afraid of me, and they didn't think less of me, even now. Still, if I was going to randomly remove my limiter here and again, what separated me from a common enemy? It was bad enough that Goku already lost control at times; the group didn't need two unpredictable youkai.

"I'll be endangering them."

What to do then? Not go back? Where should I go instead?

I looked over my shoulder despairingly. Being alone in the woods was not enjoyable to me, and I did wish my companions were there. Did I dare be selfish and endanger their lives by going back to them? They couldn't very well walk all the way to India.

More and more I paced. There were no answers to these questions, no one to point me in the right direction or instruct me on where to go. I had to decide for myself what the best course of action was.

Unfortunately, that was proving to be uncommonly difficult.

"Tomorrow." I decided. "Tomorrow I'll go with Sanzo, and we'll see how things play out. I can't very well hide away when I'm not sure what's going to happen."

I might be able to prevent this from happening again, if I stayed mindful of it.

I'd better be able to.

"I can't believe this." I stared down at my hands again. "Those people. I attacked them for nothing. Next time…it could be anyone…"

Next time, I might not even care.

"Good God. What sort of monster am I becoming?"

Jeep suddenly chirped loudly, lifted off my shoulder and flapped his way up to sit in the branches of a tree, eying me cautiously from his perch.

"Jeep?" I was utterly dumbfounded to see him do such a thing. "What's wrong?" He wasn't actually afraid of me, was he?

"A beautiful monster." Hissed the sly voice, like acid ran running smoothly along a leaf.

"You." I turned in time to see her emerge from the shadows, green eyes glittering, mouth smiling hungrily.

"It is I, darling. You're a long way from your companions now, I see. Why is that?"

She stepped closer, and instinctively, I backed away a little further. "That's none of your affair."

The Asahara studied me, haunting smile still in place, even as she spoke, "Did your true form frighten them that much?"

My breath hitched, "What do you know about that?"

"I saw you, of course. I've been watching you silently ever since I left your side."

Then was she really there when…? No, Sanzo would have seen her.

"Don't you wish to know why I've been watching you?"

"No thank-you."

"I watched you so that in case you needed me to rescue you, I would be prepared; but when I saw your true form I realized you don't need me. You're more than capable of protecting yourself."

I didn't like the way she spoke to me—so intimately and sensually—and I hated the way I felt when I was near her: that flooding warmth and almost morbid fascination. The thudding in my chest and the restlessness in my bones. I kept my eyes on her cautiously.

"Tell me something, Cho Hakkai." She stood only a couple of feet from me, still smiling at me, like I was her lover, "Why do you wear that limiter when your true form is so glorious? Why do you hide it?"

"First of all, that is not my true form. This is."

"You are a youkai." She leaned toward me, face glowing. "Yet I see how shamed you are to act the way all youkai do. I saw how guilty you were, how guilty you are even now, but why be sad for doing something you were made to do?"

I didn't want to tell her I had been born as a human. Not because I was ashamed of that, of course…not because I didn't want her to know…

It just wasn't her business.

"Stop moping." She moved closer, like she was going to kiss me. "Accept the way you are and embrace it."

"Embrace being a killer?" I snorted.

"If you are a killer, then maybe you were born to be a killer, Cho Hakkai."

I looked at my hands again, "Maybe I was…"

"Come with me." She ran her fingers through my hair, warm breath intoxicating on my face, "Forget your companions and your pointless journey to the west, and simply be. With me, there will never be any shame for spilling blood or for winning battles. There will be no guilt for being who you are. Together, we will be free, wild youkai, taking what we please and living however suits us." She brushed my mouth with her own, longingly. "Even my revenge on Sanzo would mean nothing to me if I had you by my side."

I was beginning to feel a bit of longing myself; when I felt that hot mouth on mine, something bubbled up in me, some long-hidden emotions I hadn't dared to feel since Kanan died. I wanted her. I might have been crazy for it, but I wanted this violent, dangerous woman, almost as much as she wanted me. Already I was drowning in the scent of her, losing myself in the touch of her passionate lips. All I wanted now was to fall over her and take her right there on the ground.

She cupped my face in her hands, "Your instincts are not something for you to fear, and if others fear them, you are a powerful man."

My hands tangled in her long dark hair, and I pressed against her, almost willing to give in to that desire.

Jade caressed my ear, pulling at my limiter. "Be free with me."

I gave in and kissed her fiercely, shoving her back against the trunk of a tree and pinning her there.

She removed the first cuff and started to do the same to the second one.

I was so caught up in the smell and the smooth feel of her, and in the memories of nights, much like this one, spent with another green-eyed woman, I barely noticed when she snapped the second off and went back for the third, put her mouth close to my ear so she could whisper, "The limiter wastes your talent, but when you leave it behind for good, and forget all your friends, the whole world will come to know your name."

Wait. Forget my friends and leave my limiter behind?

No. No this was never what I'd wanted. This was exactly what I'd been afraid of, from the very first moment I'd seen Jade. Because for whatever reason her presence irritated the wound that was Kanan, the sight of her brought the longing for my dead lover to the surface and made me feel like I'd lost her just yesterday again, and it all took me back to the dark placed I'd dwelled in so long, angry and violent, caring for nothing in the world around me. Jade was a danger and a distraction, and when I thought about Kanan, I only wanted to kill and weep and stop living.

"No!" I cried suddenly, wrenching away, even though I didn't want to. I wanted to indulge that pain and nurse the violence in me and let the wound fester. When I was fully youkai, the urge to kill was so great, the grief of losing Kanan could almost become secondary. It would never go away, but perhaps causing others pain would numb my own.

I gritted my teeth, and she stared at me with wide, wonderingly suspicious eyes.

"You have to stop." I said as firmly as I could. "I won't allow this-"

"What are you?" Her forefinger slid lightly across my quivering lips, prodding all the more ferociously at my lust and anguish, "A virgin?"

I stared into those green eyes. Such green eyes. I'd lost my virginity long ago, inside a pair of eyes just as green and just as beautiful, and nowhere near as wicked.

But wasn't that the appeal in Jade? If I could pretend she was Kanan, even momentarily, and then not feel a thing if we had to kill her later, I would be the winner of this venture. I would be-

I didn't even dare continue entertaining those thoughts. I ripped my limiter cuffs out of her hand and put both of them back on deftly, "Leave me alone now."

"Alone? Cho Hakkai, you're already alone—I'm merely a shadow." She smiled with familiar, feminine slyness, "Of everything you wish you could have."

"Get away from me." I held my head, fighting to push away the memories and the emotions I'd thought were buried. "Get away now!"

She laughed a bit, "Very well, I'll leave. For now. But who will you turn to Cho Hakkai? Inside your heart I see there is a brutal killer, and killers do not make very good friends, and even worse companions. In time, your so-called brothers will see you for the false-smiling sham that you are, and they will come to better understand your heartlessness and your cruelty, and in time, they will abandon you. Then who will you turn to? Already you are set apart, journeying down the shaded, lonely path of a murderer."

All that she knew just from looking at me: my secret past of bloodshed, my unspoken insecurities and fears, and the inhibitions when it came to emotional connection that I only barely dared to act upon.

In another moment though, she had receded away, faded into the darkness, and for all I knew, I truly was alone then, left staring down at my hands, as if she'd never come at all, trembling in the night as I looked at the bloodstains and remembered and wondered.

How could I ever crawl back to the others now that I was left, standing and exposed on such a sheer precipice?

When I fell, I knew they would all fall with me.

That's what it meant to be a killer though: to stay away from others lest you wind up hurting them, on purpose or not. That's why I could never touch anyone.

I had almost forgotten that.


	10. Chapter 10

Goku

Morning was weird. Really weird. We were in a weird place with weird people who wouldn't stop looking at us like we were criminals, and everything Sanzo and Gojyo did felt weird too. We ate breakfast together for what felt like the first time in forever, but neither of them said a word. Gojyo wouldn't fight with me, and Sanzo didn't make a single threat to shoot either of us. It was almost a normal breakfast, and that's what was weird about it.

I kept looking for Hakkai, but he was nowhere to be found. I guess he didn't come back last night.

Once, I almost asked Gojyo about it—because he'd followed him—but then I'd remember the way he'd come out of the woods last night. I'd stayed on the edge of the village, waiting, thinking he'd bring Hakkai back, assuming that was what he'd gone with him for. But when he came back he was by himself.

_"What about Hakkai?"_ I'd asked.

Gojyo looked at me oddly, like he didn't even know what I was talking about. He had a lit cigarette, but it didn't look like he was smoking it. He looked…I dunno'. Just lost. _"Oh. Hakkai. He's…just gonna' take a walk."_

_ "'S he comin' back?"_

_ "Who knows?"_

So today I couldn't ask. Maybe Gojyo had no idea where Hakkai was. Maybe he didn't care.

I stared at Sanzo, trying to sort out what I saw in his face. It looked pretty calm, for a morning Sanzo face, but behind that was this…frustration, I think. It was really hard to tell. I didn't know what he'd be frustrated about. Because Hakkai was gone? Because Hakkai had freaked out? Because Gojyo might just stay here in this weird-ass little village and we'd have to go on without him? Because everyone around us was treatin' us like we were dangerous?

We were dangerous, right? Sanzo had his gun and was always threatening to kill someone. Trigger happy, Gojyo called it. Hakkai lost his limiter and I had to admit, youkai Hakkai was _scary_. I lost my limiter, and I guess I was probably scary too. Not that I could remember. Gojyo had his issues too. Such a social guy, but I knew how much he enjoyed swinging that crazy blade around, slicing people to ribbons.

Maybe I shouldn't worry if they thought we were dangerous.

"What now?" I asked eventually. Sanzo was done eating. I mean, he still had food, but he hadn't eaten any of it in like thirty minutes or somethin' nuts. I'd never get how he could just not eat like that. I wasn't even full yet. I could eat a whole nother ten plates if I wanted.

"Hn. Now?"

"Yeah, I mean…we gonna' get goin' soon? What about Hakkai?"

Sanzo looked at me for a second, and then he looked at Gojyo, who was just picking at his food by now, a cigarette fizzing in the other hand. "What about Hakkai?"

"_What_ about Hakkai, Sanzo?" Gojyo snapped.

"Well where is he?"

"Fuck if I know. It's not like we sleep together."

"Did he come back to the village last night?"

"I _don't_ _know_, Sanzo_._"

"You're useless." Sanzo grumbled.

"Hey, don't act like this's my fault, alright? 'Cause it's not. You were _right there_ when he took that thing off. If anyone's to blame it's you."

Sanzo's eyes flashed, "I'm not responsible for anything you idiots do. Including whether you go bat-shit or not."

"But you'll shoot us if we do, right?"

"And relish it."

"God, you're an asshole."

They were going to start fighting again, I guess. I looked between them nervously, realizing that as long as Hakkai wasn't around to make them cut it out, it would be up to me to make sure they didn't kill each other. "Uh, so. Hakkai's not here, right? I ain't seen 'im anyway? What'dya wanna' do now, Sanzo? We gonna' leave him behind?"

That's what I expected. That's what Sanzo always said he'd do if any of us weren't around when it was time to roll out, so I was surprised that he didn't answer right away. He didn't go right ahead and say 'Of course we are', get up and walk away. He sat a while longer, like he was thinking about my question. At last, he muttered, "We'll wait a while. If he doesn't come back by tomorrow…I guess we have to."

What was with that?

I glanced at Gojyo, saw him giving me the same bewildered look I felt right back at me.

"Really?"

"That's what I said."

"But you're normally so…"

"So ready to dump any of us on our ass and go on by yourself." Gojyo finished, a little meanly, I thought.

Sanzo did stand up then, glared down at us, "Use your heads. Hakkai took Jeep with him, and I'd rather not walk to India if I don't have to."

That made sense, I thought, as he started to walk away…but still, it had never stopped Sanzo before. He'd walk if he had to. He'd _swim_ if he had to. He'd go without food just 'cause he couldn't carry it, if he had to.

Once he was gone, I met Gojyo's gaze again.

He raised his eyebrows at me, "Weird."

"Yeah. Weird."

"Maybe Master Sanzo's on his period or something, doesn't wanna' walk today."

"Wassat even mean?"

Gojyo just sighed, "Man, you are so clueless. I can't decide if it's refreshing or just irritating."

"Hm." I put my fork in my mouth and stared up at the ceiling.

Gojyo only sat there a little while longer before getting up without a word and wandering away.

Sitting at the table by myself was no fun, so I finished eating and went to look for Sanzo. If he changed his mind and decided to leave, I didn't want him leaving me behind.

He didn't get too far. He was hanging around not far from the broken down little house the people had given us to stay in, smoking and watching the sky. Not much to see, I thought. There wasn't even a cloud in the sky, and today the air was hot.

"Hey Sanzo." I walked up beside him, watching the sky too. I saw a few birds flying around, doing tricks and stuff, but I didn't think that's what he was looking at.

Sanzo just grunted at me.

"Can I ask ya' somethin'?" I said after a while.

"What is it?"

"It's just…you really don't wanna' leave Hakkai behind?"

He turned his head to look at me. I thought he looked a little bored now. "Do you?"

"No. I'm worried about 'im. Whatever happened last night…what if it happens again, only this time we ain't there ta' help 'im?"

"He's not a child: he'll have to deal with it by himself."

"Yeah, I guess. So then, that ain't why we're waitin' for 'im?"

"No." Sanzo sighed suddenly, blowing a lot of smoke from his lips, "We're waiting because…I'd rather not have just the two of us go…"

"The two of us? What'dya' talkin' about? Gojyo-"

"That dumbass." Sanzo shook his head slightly. "Gojyo will probably stay here, Goku."

"What?" I didn't mean to sound so surprised. Sure, I thought maybe Gojyo would want to stay here, but Sanzo really sounded sure. Like he already knew.

"He's stupid, and his choices are usually equally stupid. I assume that tomorrow, whether Hakkai comes back or not, Gojyo won't be going with us. It would be better if we had Hakkai."

I thought. I thought really hard. And thought and thought and thought. "Don'tcha' think we could just convince 'im ta' go with us? Tomorrow, I mean. I want Hakkai ta' go too…but…either way…Gojyo…"

"It's not my job, Goku. No one's making the three of you do this, and if any of you decide to leave, I can't force you to stay."

"He can't stay here though." I said, feeling hopeless suddenly. "It's…weird here. It ain't home."

"Hmph. The fact that even you know that is really a testatment to how incredibly moronic he is."

My heart began to sink. It was sort of like feeling hungry—that empty, unhappy feeling—but worse. Like being sick and hungry at the same time. "What if I talk to 'im? Maybe I can convince 'im-"

"I wouldn't want you to waste your time trying to talk to that mule, but then…" He flicked some ashes away, then took a slow drag on the cigarette, "it's none of my business what you do in your spare time."

Was that his way of saying he wanted me to try? It didn't really matter, I was going to if he wanted me to or not.

Not long after that, Sanzo announced that he was going to go meditate. I guess that's what he did when he wasn't reading the newspaper. That left me alone in this weird village again, with nothing to do, so I wandered around, trying to think clearly, looking for some way to occupy my time.

Luckily, like yesterday, there was plenty to do around here. The village was a little bit crappy. Buildings falling apart, carts that needed to be repaired. Heavy stuff to lift. I was good at helping, so I went wherever someone needed me. 'Hey. Need help with that?' 'I bet I can do it.' 'Naw, s'okay, you don't hafta' give me anything for it'.

At first, most of the people were weird about letting me help, like they didn't really want to, but after some convincing, they usually let me. By the time whatever we were tryin' to do was done, they were smiling and laughing with me like we were friends. It was great, and I started to feel like I had a lot of friends, with people walking by, smiling at me and patting me on the back like they'd known me forever. It was a good feeling. Maybe if I were Gojyo I might wanna' stay here too. It might be nice to be part of a place like this—helping out neighbors and getting invited to dinner and stuff. It might be fun.

I helped a guy change the wheel on his cart, and then I helped his brother move big bales of hay. I rescued a kitty that was stuck in a tree, carried some heavy baskets for a lady in the market. Around noon, I hung around in the market, talking to people and sampling food, and even wound up helping out at a shop, so I got free lunch.

Lunch was really good, and pretty big, and I felt really, really happy and peaceful when I was done, so I found a tree to stretch out under and took a little nap. The village was quiet and cheerful, full of butterflies, with the scent of fresh fruit and grass everywhere, and when I woke up, it seemed like I had even more friends than before. Pretty much everyone who walked by had a bright thing to say to me.

When I was done with my nap, I decided to look around and see if Hakkai had come back, but I didn't see him anywhere, and no one I talked to had seen him all day. I guess he wasn't back yet. I couldn't find Gojyo either. Sanzo was reading something when I found him. I dunno' what it was. Not the paper. Some book he must have found somewhere. I sat a while with him, because I liked doing that. Just sitting and being near Sanzo and not worrying was always nice. It reminded me of old times, before the calamity and the minus wave and all this craziness, when we just lived in the temple, and Hakkai would come over and teach me things, and everything was perfect.

After a while, I went back to wandering. I stopped by the park to play ball with some of the kids. They were nice because they didn't start off hating me like the grown ups did. They acted sorta' nervous when I went up, smiling and asking if I could play too, but they didn't tell me no, and it didn't take long for them to all love me and wanna' hang off me and run around with me. We played tag next. Then hide and seek. One of the older kids wanted to spar with me. I went easy on him.

There was this little kid named Deshi who was really into me. He let me wear his goggles, and he talked a lot. We talked about games and food and exploring, and then he showed me the fort he'd built under an old bridge. The river was mostly dry, and he was keeping a lot of treasure there. Sticks he thought were cool, shiny things he'd picked up, smooth rocks. Animal bones and skins, and stuff travelers had either left or given him. He showed me a bottle opener. It was rusty and dinged, but he held it tight and smiled and told me his brother gave it to him. I asked where his brother was, but he said he was dead. I told him that was too bad. Then I dug around in my pockets looking for something he could have. I didn't have much, but eventually I found an old lighter I'd almost forgotten about.

Deshi held it reverently, staring at the flame like it was magic. "Where'd you get it?"

"Gojyo gave it to me." I grinned. "I dunno' where he got it, but he's already got one, so he said I could have this one." I added so he wouldn't feel bad, "I don't smoke, so I don't need it."

"I don't smoke either." Deshi explained.

"But ya' might some day. Then you'll have Gojyo's old lighter. Hey, maybe it's lucky—for smokers or whatever. Gojyo's like, I dunno', the king of smokers."

I thought a little sadly, that maybe Deshi would just have Gojyo around, so if he wanted to smoke he could bum cigarettes and lights off him. That sounded nice to me. There was something between smokers, something about sharing cigarettes and lighting each other up and stuff, that non-smokers didn't get to have. Sometimes I thought the only thing Sanzo and Gojyo had in common was that they smoked, and the only time they'd admit that they needed each other was when they had to ask each other for a cigarette or a lighter.

Like the last time Gojyo left, to go fight Kami-Sama. Sanzo said he needed a light, but Hakkai and I couldn't help him. I bet he'd wished Gojyo was there then. I bet he'd missed him.

Deshi flicked the lighter again.

"Don't waste the lighter fluid." I told him. "Then it won't work."

The kid tucked the lighter away with the other treasures he had, and looked at me very seriously, "Thank-you, Goku-San."

"Haha, no problem, kid." I ruffled his hair, like Gojyo did to mine sometimes.

_Dang. I keep thinkin' about that jerk… Is he really gonna' stay here?_

In the cave he told me he wasn't leaving us. But now…

I played with Deshi a little longer, then he had to run off to dinner, and I walked around alone, feeling sort of hungry too. This village was probably the most peaceful place I'd ever been in: no fighting, no attacking youkai, no angry mobs or scheming villagers. Just neighbors and friends and happy kids. Maybe we should all just stay here. Forget the revival and the journey and just stay here and enjoy the peace.

The lady I'd helped with the baskets earlier saw me walking by when I passed her house and called out to me, "Goku-San! There you are."

"What's goin' on? You need more help?"

"No." She smiled. She had a really pretty smile, "I wanted to know if you'd like to join me and my sisters for dinner."

My grin must have been pretty big, because she laughed.

"Yeah! I'd love to!" And I ran up the stairs to her; she took my hand, and I stared at her. She was probably my age. I guess…that was sort of…supposed to be important…when it came to…liking someone.

Immediately my face was burning. Hopefully she didn't notice.

Dinner was just as good as lunch, and I had a lot of fun with them. The two younger sisters were about fourteen and ten, and they laughed at everything I said, stuff the guys would have usually made fun of me for. It was good, feeling funny and important and cool.

_I could stay here._ I thought eventually.

Later, when I was walking outside, looking up at the stars and feeling great, I realized that this was the kind of place everybody needed. Not this place, exactly, I guess. Just a place like it. Everybody just wanted to belong somewhere, with someone.

_An' I belong with Sanzo…_

Maybe Gojyo belonged here, the way I belonged with Sanzo. Maybe these people could be his family, like Sanzo was my family. Maybe it was selfish to try to talk him out of staying.

I looked up and noticed a guy standing off to the side of the road, staring out at the trees. Hey, it actually looked like it might be Gojyo. He was smoking and he had the long hair and everything.

"Hey." I jogged over to him, smiling. I felt like I'd just had the best day of my life, and there was no way he hadn't too. This was where he was supposed to be, with the people he was supposed to be with, so his day had to have been twice as good as mine. Better than that even.

He barely glanced at me. "Hey, kid."

The grin slipped from my face. He didn't sound like he'd had the best day in the world. He sounded…I didn't know the word I needed. Not upset or nothin', just…worried maybe. Or stressed, I guess.

"What'cha' up to?"

"Thinking…about stuff." He looked toward the woods again.

"What didja' do today?" I was sorta' just making conversation now, but I did want to tell him about the awesome day I'd had. I wanted to tell him this place was awesome, and I didn't mind if he stayed, because he was going to have an awesome time every day.

Gojyo flicked ashes. It made me think of Sanzo again. Maybe that really was the one thing they had in common. "Nothin' important. Just bummed around town."

"Did'ja' hang out with that chick again?"

"Lei? Yeah, a little."

"Is she pretty?"

He smirked at me, but it didn't seem normal… "C'mon, you know me. I wouldn't hang out with her if she wasn't."

I nodded, feeling a little more serious now. "I had a cool day." I told him, since he hadn't asked, "I made all kindsa' friends an' stuff."

Gojyo started walking, up toward the trees, and I followed, still talking.

"It was a lotta' fun, helpin' the people an' playin' with the kids an' stuff. I gave this one kid your lighter."

I saw him check his pocket, "What lighter?"

"Y'know, the old lighter ya' gave me."

"I gave you a lighter?"

"Yeah."

"When?"

I thought about it, "Dunno'. Few months ago."

"Oh. Hn. I don't remember that."

I was pretty sure he gave it to me. Yeah. I remembered him grinning all mean and stuff, sayin' 'Careful not to burn your little monkey ass.' "Well ya' did."

"And then you went and gave it to some random kid? Now I know what you do with the things I give you, I guess."

"You never give me anything, ya' selfish kappa."

"I gave you a lighter, didn't I?"

"Well, you've never given me anythin' else."

"If you're gonna' be that way, I'm definitely never giving you anything else."

We bickered about that for a while, and by the time I won we were deep in the woods. I hadn't even realized how deep we were going.

"You win." Gojyo muttered, bopping me in the shoulder.

_You win._

"I win a lot lately, huh?" I said quietly.

"Yeah, you know. You're just too smart for me."

"More like you're just a quitter these days."

"Oh shaddup." He ordered, but it didn't seem any more sincere than anything else he'd said.

"What're we doin' out here anyway?" I glanced around at the trees. It was pretty dark, and sorta' creepy. I thought I heard somebody calling.

"What, you scared?"

"No! Just, I wanna' know what we're doin'."

"Nothin', just takin' a little walk."

"A walk ta' where?"

"Goddamn, Goku. I dunno'. Just a walk."

I studied his face, "You lookin' for Hakkai?"

His voice faltered, and for a moment he looked like somebody had caught him tryin' to sneak a cookie before dinner. "I-no. Of course not. I don't know where that dumb ass is, and I don't care."

"Buuull shiiit."

"I don't mean I don't care." He tossed the cigarette down, "I just mean…he can take care of himself."

"Yeah, that's what Sanzo said too."

"Heh. Friggin' priest is right for once."

I wondered. Maybe they were both saying that, but I didn't think they believed it. Either of them. I think they were both sorta' worried about Hakkai.

Maybe I needed to worry too. I'd had such an awesome day, and I guess they'd been worryin' and stuff, about Hakkai and whatever; I hadn't even thought to be worried.

"He'll be okay." I said.

"'Course he will. I'm not worried."

"Think he'll come back by tomorrow?"

"I dunno', he better."

Gojyo lit another cigarette, and we walked a little further, and I tried to think of something to say. Some way to ask all the questions I had.

"The village is pretty cool, huh?" I asked, eventually.

"It's…"

I waited, but he never finished. "I think it's fun. An' ev'rybody seems pretty nice."

"People were nice to you?"

"Yeah. Well, not at first. But I made 'em like me."

"'Course you did. You're good at that." To me, he sounded jealous. Maybe he didn't spend all day making friends like I did.

"People like ya' too." I told him, "Ev'rybody always thinks you're cool."

"Damn straight they do."

"You're good at makin' friends." I smiled, thinking maybe I was just misreading his tone and stuff. Maybe he wasn't jealous like I thought.

"Tch. Goku…do you know what a friend is? Like, what a real friend is?"

"Huh? Yeah. Like…somebody ta' hang out with."

"Hm. I guess you're right. I am good at that then."

I stared at him, trying to understand. "I don't mean like girls, Gojyo."

"I don't either."

"I mean, ev'rybody likes hangin' out with ya'. You're fun."

"What's this about?" He finally turned his head to look at me, almost walked into a tree branch.

"Nothin'. I just think you'd fit in here."

He stopped, and I saw we'd come to the wall we'd had to climb over. That seemed like forever ago now. Gojyo gave me a look that was almost…confused, I guess. Or maybe he didn't believe me. "You think so?"

"Sure. They're all just like you." I smiled again.

"I…" he grabbed onto a tree branch. It almost looked like he was using it to hold himself up. Like he thought he was going to fall down. "I don't know about that… I mean, I'm not sure…" He stopped and brushed the hair back from his face, took a deep breath. "I just mean, I don't really know if I belong here."

I nodded, but I wasn't sure I got what he was saying. "So…where dya' think ya' belong?"

"Who the hell knows? Let's go back—I'm hungry."

I laughed. "Didn't ya' eat?"

"Not since breakfast."

"Breakfast?" I frowned, "That was forever ago! How can ya' go so long not eatin'?"

"I didn't think about it, I guess." He was moving back through the trees, back the way we'd come.

"Didn't think about eatin'? You're so weird, Gojyo."

Now he laughed. "Right, right. _I'm_ the weird one. Not the monkey who can't go two minutes without a huge meal."

"Duh." I stuck my tongue out at him.

We bantered a little about that. This time though, he didn't give up and say 'you win'. Instead, he argued with me really seriously, like he was trying to prove that what I'd said earlier was wrong, and he seemed a little more himself.

I started to relax. He was probably just worried about Hakkai, and that's why he was acting like this.

"Hey, I wanna' tell ya' somethin'." I said when we were almost back to the village. "Issat okay?"

"Huh? Sure, it's fine. What's up?" He turned to me, gave me all of his attention, which I sort of liked. So often, Gojyo just seemed to blow me off or make fun of me or not care about what I was saying. It always felt good to me when he stopped to really listen to what I was saying. It didn't happen much, but it was something I really liked about him. Sanzo did it too sometimes, and that felt good. Hakkai always paid attention when I said something. I liked that the best, but I was glad the other two didn't always take me so seriously. It made moments like this almost special.

"I just wanna' say, this place is really cool, an' I'm glad we found it. At first, I wasn't sure, ya' know? Feng was such a jerk, an' ev'rybody wanted ta' kill me—thanks for not lettin' 'em, by the way—but today, an' a little bit yesterday, I really had a lotta' fun. Well, other'n Hakkai goin' crazy last night. That wasn't fun. Anyway, today I had a ton of fun. It's an awesome place, an' ev'rybody's awesome. So, I just wanna' tell ya'…not that I want ya' ta' leave or nothin', but…I get it. I get why. It makes sense. So I won't try an' stop ya'."

He wasn't moving or even looking at me anymore. He was looking past me, over my shoulder, just listening carefully to everything I was saying.

"Er. I mean, I'll miss ya'. That's what I really wanna' say. Yeah, that's what I wanna' tell ya', Gojyo. I'm gonna' really miss ya', an' it's gonna' be real weird not havin' ya' with us, but I don't think that means ya' hafta' go if you don't wanna'."

I paused to study his face. His eyebrows were all wrinkled together, and he was sort of chewing at his cigarette, staring intensely past me.

"Gojyo?"

I turned slightly, checking to see if maybe we weren't alone.

That's when it hit me. It was like a brick wall my senses suddenly slammed into, smacking me in the face with a fist of reality. The air…it reeked. Blood. Steel. Fire. All of it was wrapped into one horrible stench; the stench of chaos. In the distance, I saw a faint, orangeish glow. "Wh…what's happenin'?"

Gojyo didn't answer.

"The village. What'dya' think's goin' on? Gojyo." I stepped just a bit closer to him, but I knew I couldn't cling to him or hide behind him like I could Hakkai or Sanzo. "Gojyo, I smell blood. Lots an' lots of blood."

"Shit." He came to life suddenly, started to jog, tossing his cigarette aside. "Shit!" Then he just took off running.

"Gojyo! Wait!" I ran after him, summoning nyoi-bo as I went. The smell of blood was thick in the air, and with it I could the smoke too. Up ahead the warm glow of fire was beginning to light up the woods.

I tore after Gojyo and we broke through the trees at the same time. We stood there staring. The village was on fire, all the houses blazing, and trees too, carts overturned, animals running wild, and I heard people screaming. The smell of blood was even stronger, and the smoke stung my eyes.

Beside me, Gojyo started to curse, "Son of a bitch. No…"

I looked up at him, but he was just staring straight ahead with wide eyes.

"We were only gone a little while." I whispered, "What'dya' think happened?"

Gojyo didn't answer. He didn't move.

"Do…do you think…" I didn't want to even say the rest of what I was thinking, "H-Hakkai?"

Without a word, Gojyo started to run again, weaving around burning wagons and overturned debris. I ran after him, not wanting to believe the horror around me. Now I could see dead bodies lying all over the place, on their faces in the dirt. Most of them looked like they'd been torn open, and they had pools of blood around them. Like a youkai had attacked 'em. "What happened here?" I choked, catching up to Gojyo. I didn't want to believe Hakkai had done this.

Gojyo still didn't say anything, he was moving toward a body that was lying all twisted at the bottom of some stairs leading up to a porch and a house. It looked like an old guy.

"No way." Gojyo knelt, touching the old guy's neck, like he was checking his pulse or something. Then he was quiet, just sitting there a while, like he didn't know what else to do. He mumbled something.

I stood next to him, looking down at the old guy's face. The fire hadn't reached him yet, but it looked like someone had slit his throat. Weird. He almost looked like he was smiling. "Did ya' know 'im?"

Gojyo nodded jerkily. "His name was Hu. Damn old bastard."

"Gojyo." I almost touched his shoulder, but decided not to at the last second. "Dy'a think…Hakkai did this…?" I could still remember youkai Hakkai from the other night, and how unbelievably strong and dangerous he was.

"No." Gojyo coughed a little and covered his mouth. "Hakkai…wouldn't do this."

"Yeah but…he ain't been himself lately."

He got up, looking angry, spread his arms wide, "Look around, Goku, does it look like somethin' Hakkai would do?"

I shook my head.

"Then it wasn't him." He had his shakujou out now. "Now c'mon."

"Where we goin'?"

"We're gonna' find the bastard that did all this and kill him." Gojyo glanced down at the old guy again and sighed, "Sorry Jii-san…" With that, he turned and stormed away, walking in the direction of the town square.

I stood there a second longer, looking down at Hu and wondering; then I followed my friend.

We had to step over a lot of bodies as we went: more old guys, some young guys. Girls. Lots of girls, shredded and bleeding. Little kids. I hated seeing all the little kids torn to shreds, and it made me angry. Their blood was the same color as their hair. "Who would do this?" I demanded, feeling so angry I could barely stand it. It was such a horrible thing to see. After such an awesome day, why did it have to end like this? This morning, the town had been so peaceful and bright and perfect, and now it was totally trashed. I saw Deshi's bridge. It was on fire too, and I couldn't help thinking about his treasures. I almost stepped away from Gojyo to go save some of it, but I didn't want to risk losing track of my friend in the fire.

"Gojyo!"

I spun around. There was a girl running toward us. She looked about my age. She looked scared.

Gojyo turned on her, "Lei?"

"Gojyo! I'm so glad you're alive!" She practically flung herself on top of him, clinging to his jacket and breathing hard. "Quick…we've got to run! We have to get out of here right now!"

He grabbed her shoulders, "Who did this?"

"I-I don't know who they are…there's a whole army of them though."

"Youkai or human?"

"Youkai. Definitely youkai. Gojyo…they're strong. I mean, I don't know how strong _you_ and your friends are…but these people are monsters!"

Gojyo shook his head and looked around the burning village, "What about everyone else? Is anyone else alive?"

The girl nodded, swallowing hard, "A group of us are gathered on the northern outskirts—some came back to look for survivors and try to put out the fire. Feng took a band of men to confront the invaders. Gojyo, please, you have to come with me!"

"Feng? Where did they go?"

"To the town square, but-Gojyo!"

Gojyo tore away from her and started to march in that direction, "Lei, get everyone you can and go back to the others. I'll catch up later."

"But Gojyo!"

He didn't listen to her, but I put a hand on her arm, "'S'okay. He'll be all right, you just gotta' get as many people out as ya' can."

She looked at me a second, like I was disgusting, then pulled her arm away and turned, going back the way she came, but paused to look at me over her shoulder, "If you two survive, meet us within an hour…we can't stay here."

I nodded, and then headed after Gojyo.

"You go with her." He said when I caught up to him. "Help her save the others."

"What? Why should I?"

"Because she needs you more than I do."

"Gojyo…" I shook my head, feeling sad, "We dunno' who did this. She said it was an army—it coulda' been that Ryptcore guy."

"If it was he's going to regret it."

"But we barely got ridda' Xiong by ourselves, an' Ryptcore's gotta' be stronger."

He had nothing to say to that, but he didn't try to tell me to go back anymore, so maybe I got through. We walked on together toward the burning square feeling angrier and angrier and sadder and sadder.

There was a whole army in the square. It looked like they were running wild and looting buildings, taking whatever they wanted, laughing and shouting. I saw that they were all normal youkai, with long, razor sharp claws. They were wearing weird clothes too, almost like armor, and they had paint and blood smeared on their faces. They were grinning. Gojyo hesitated, lingering in the shadows, clutching his shakujou tight, and I stood beside him.

In the middle of the square, someone had torn down the statue of the guy who built this place, and there was a big youkai standing there instead. He was really tall, and built like Gat, with nothing but muscle. His hair was long and cut all ragged, and he had a weird piece of metal through his nose. Something about him was really, really creepy—his youkai energy was like pure black, like a huge void of darkness. I was scared it would swallow me.

"It's Ryptcore." Sanzo said, coming out of the shadows next to us. "And that army…that's the Dethbreed."

"Sonnava bitch…" Gojyo muttered.

"Wait, so he did all this?" I looked at Sanzo. "He's th' one that lit the village on fire and killed all these people?"

Sanzo nodded. He was lighting a cigarette and seemed weirdly calm. "I was just about to go have a word with him when you two slackers showed up."

Gojyo glared at him, "Who're _you_ callin' slackers? You were here the whole time and you didn't do anything!"

"Sorry, I didn't realize it was up to me to protect your little misfit village." He took a puff off his cigarette and started to walk toward the army.

"Bastard…" Gojyo growled but he just followed him.

I went too, but I had a really bad feeling in my stomach, and it was much, much worse than being hungry.

There were even more dead half-breeds in the square, and blood was pooled and smeared and splattered everywhere. A lot of the people I saw were the same guys who'd brought me and Gojyo in. They were all dead now. Their leader, Feng, was still alive. I saw him kneeling in the middle of the carnage, breathing hard. His arm looked like it was wounded really bad. When he saw us coming he yelled, "You! How dare you show your faces here?"

Course, as soon as he started screaming at us, all the youkai stopped whatever they were doing and looked up at us and everything was quiet.

The big youkai in the middle smiled, "Well, well, if it isn't Genjyo Sanzo and his little gang." His voice… I shivered. It was like ice. I couldn't think of another way to describe it. And his eyes…they were red like Gojyo's…but so, so much colder.

"I take it you're Ryptcore." Sanzo said calmly. I wondered if he was as calm as he sounded.

I knew I was a little scared. Sure, I was pretty sure we could take this creep, but he was so frickin' creepy I couldn't help feeling like we couldn't.

"So you know me, do you? That's good. It's always good to know the one who's going to kill you."

"You're not killing anybody." Sanzo snorted.

"Ah, but see, I've already killed so many." Ryptcore swept his arm around, gesturing to all the dead half-breeds.

"You son of a bitch!" Gojyo spat, taking a step forward.

"Hm. So the rumors are true. A half-blood freak does travel with the great Genjyo Sanzo." His freezing, red eyes landed on me, and I automatically stiffened my body, ready to defend myself. "And Son Goku, the great Sage Equaling Heaven…not a myth after all. What a motley team you are. Ah. But I see you're missing a member. The youkai slayer, Cho Hakkai…you might wish you had your youkai slayer with you, Genjyo Sanzo."

Hakkai. Where was he? I couldn't help looking around for him. I really would feel better if we were all together.

"Shut the fuck up!" Gojyo snarled, going forward again. "Just shut the fuck up!"

Ryptcore looked at him and blinked like he'd forgot he even existed, "You're angry. I like that—anger is such a magnificent tool, such a weapon. But…" he cocked his head, grin expanding. He looked totally demonic. "What are you so angry about, Sha Gojyo?"

"Why did you kill them?" Gojyo demanded, "These people weren't a threat to you!"

Ryptcore just laughed, "Oh, I see. So even you worthless people have a sense of camaraderie. How fascinating. Such an interesting weakness to cling to, brotherhood. How fortunate for me not to be weighted down by such a petty thing."

"Cut the bullshit, psycho, and get ready to fight!" Gojyo crouched.

"You, fight me? Well, I hope you're at least a little stronger than the average freak. Most of them begged and wept before I killed them."

I tried to speak up, tried to stop him. "Gojyo-"

It was too late. "I said shut _up_, asshole!" Gojyo ran headlong at Ryptcore, light reflecting off the blade of his shakujou. He swung.

Ryptcore swung too. His attack was tight and concise—he hit Gojyo upside the head and sent him flying a few yards, where he landed in a heap of dead half-breeds.

"There. Why don't you just stay there? With your people."

"That idiot." Sanzo growled, getting his gun ready, "What's he thinking?"

I sort of got it though. Gojyo was just mad. Why shouldn't he be?

"Son of a bitch." Gojyo started to get up. When he turned around I saw his face was bruised and his eye had blood running from the corner of it. This Ryptcore guy was mad-crazy-ass strong. One hit and Gojyo already probably had a serious head injury.

I watched, gut tight and twisted, as Gojyo attacked again, screaming, swiping twice at Ryptcore with his weapon. The second swing was cut short when Ryptcore grabbed the staff part of the shakujou and snapped it right in half.

Gojyo stared, "What the…"

"Get away from 'im!" I screamed.

It was too late. Ryptcore lashed out like a striking snake and grabbed Gojyo by the neck. He lifted him up in the air, high above his own head.

Gojyo kicked and clawed at Ryptcore's hand, trying to get free; his eyes were huge and his mouth was hanging open. I could tell he couldn't breathe.

"No!" I launched myself forward, swinging at Ryptcore with my bo. I didn't even see him swing. I just felt unbelievable pain flash through my head, and then I was crashing through a window. Glass shattered all around me, slicing my arms and back. I landed hard on a chair, breaking it, and then lay on the floor a few seconds, trying to understand what had just happened. Outside there were screams and gunshots.

_Sanzo…Gojyo…_

Painfully, I made myself get up, clutching Nyoi-bo I busted the door up, ran back outside.

Gojyo was lying on the ground, not moving. He had blood all over him, so I couldn't tell where it was coming from. Ryptcore was standing on him—full on, both feet, just standing there on his chest. Sanzo had his gun aimed, but Ryptcore didn't seem bothered.

"Get off him." Sanzo ordered. He didn't sound so calm now—he sounded really angry, and sort of scared: Ryptcore had just beaten Gojyo and put me through a window all by himself. Without Hakkai we might not be able to do this. Even with Hakkai we might not be able to.

"You heard 'im." I snapped, readying myself to attack again. "Get the hell offa' him!"

Ryptcore just smiled, teeth sharp as his claws. He lifted one foot and stomped on Gojyo's chest, probably as hard as he could. I heard a gross, loud snap, and Gojyo's body convulsed.

He screamed, suddenly moving again, writhing and prying at Ryptcore's foot, trying to get out from under him. Blood spurted from his mouth.

"Gojyo!" I ran forward. It didn't matter if I was strong enough. It didn't matter if Hakkai was here or not, or if I had to take off my limiter to do this. I couldn't just stand around. I had to fight.

I hit Ryptcore with the full force of my body, shoulder ramming against his stomach. It was actually enough to get him off Gojyo, but I could tell it didn't hurt him at all. He just stumbled back a few feet and looked at me like he couldn't believe that had just happened. Like I snuck up on him or somethin'.

It probably hurt me a lot worse than it hurt him. That armor he was wearing was hard, and my whole shoulder felt completely broken. I landed roughly. "D-dammit…"

Sanzo stepped up next to me, gun still aimed at Ryptcore. He growled, "You pathetic piece of shit."

I took the second we had to look at Gojyo. He was in pretty bad shape already with the blood all over him, and he was unconscious.

"He alive?" Sanzo asked really quietly.

"I think so…but…Sanzo…he can't help us."

"Feh. How annoying. We don't need his help, Goku."

"But Sanzo-"

"Just get ready."

I nodded. There was nothing I could do for Gojyo right now—we had to beat Ryptcore.

Ryptcore started laughing, "You're all so pathetic! Look at you—trite little beings, so tied down by things like fear and justice and love. How can you ever hope to defeat me when I feel none of those things? Nothing but the cold black of my own mind."

"You're crazy!" I yelled.

"Crazy or not, I will survive, and the three of you will perish."

Sanzo fired. The bullet hit Ryptcore right in the arm, blood spraying from it, but he just looked at it like he didn't know what it was supposed to be.

"At least we know he's got blood." I mumbled. "Alright, here I come, ugly. Better get ready!" I went at him again.

Ryptcore didn't care about me either. He blocked my attacks and hit me twice. The first time he just winged me, the second he sent me doing cartwheels across the square and I crashed into Feng.

The youkai around us laughed, even though Sanzo was firing again.

"God dammit, you." Feng shoved me away, getting up. "I never should have brought you people here!" I looked at him. His arm was intact, but it had blood running all down it. I couldn't figure out if he was in any shape to fight or not. I guess I didn't expect him to. So I ignored him and attacked Ryptcore again. This time I tried to smash his skull open with my bo. He just tilted his head to the side, and I hit his shoulder instead.

But nothing happened. He just stared up at me, that creepy smile on his lips. It was like I hit him with a feather.

I backed away from him, "N-no way…"

He feinted forward. I wasn't ready for it.

I screamed and tried to block his attack, but he punched me right in the mouth. I was flying again, blood gushing from my lips and mouth. I hit the wall behind me and a bunch of bricks fell. Dazed, I lay there for a few extra seconds, trying to understand what was happening. I'd never hit someone dead on like that before and had them just look at me.

Footsteps coming closer.

"Goku, get up!"

_Sanzo…_

I had to help Sanzo.

I got up again, but I could barely do it—I felt really sick now, and I almost fell down again.

Ryptcore was right there. He slashed at me and I felt his claws dig into my skin, slicing me from shoulder to side. It burned.

Screaming, I jumped back, was pressed up against the wall. "You jerk!"

He hit me across the face, pummeling me to the side, and then slapped me from the other direction. He grabbed my shoulders and slammed me back against the wall over and over. I felt my bones fracturing as he beat me into the bricks. I coughed and tasted blood in my mouth. The rest of his men were just standing around, watching. They didn't make any noise, and I didn't see any emotions on their faces.

What was wrong with these people?

Sanzo finally got there. He pointed his gun at Ryptcore's head and fired. I thought for sure he'd get him.

Ryptcore just dropped me and spun around, darted away. For a big guy, he was really fast.

I collapsed there, writhing and coughing, vision blacking out.

Sanzo kept firing. Again and again and again.

I was in so much pain now. It was speeding all through my body, burning like a fire, from my finger tips all the way down my legs. My face was a mess of blood.

Someone was screaming something at me. I thought I heard Sanzo's voice, but it was so far away. "…up! You damn monkey! Get up!"

Right. Right, I had to get up and keep fighting.

Sputtering and coughing, all but puking, I made myself get up, supported myself on my bo. I could see Ryptcore all the way across the square, just laughing and enjoying himself, like our pain was nothing. I wiped the blood from my eyes with the back of my sleeve. "Sanzo…he's way strong."

He was reloading his gun quickly, "I know." He snapped it shut and took aim. Fired.

Ryptcore faded to the right. He was so fast, it almost looked like he disappeared and reappeared. Then he was beside us again. This time he went at Sanzo. He hit him with an uppercut. It was insane.

One second Sanzo was standing there in front of me. The next thing I knew he was gone. It was like he just vanished.

"S-sanzo!"

He landed a few feet away from me—just fell out of the sky, landed in a wagon full of wooden cages the villagers kept chickens in when they sold them. Wood and straw flew everywhere. Sanzo struggled to get up, pushed himself onto his hands and knees. His robes were torn and now his face was bloody too. I didn't see his gun anywhere.

"Sanzo!" I tried to run to him.

Ryptcore got in front of me and backhanded me, sending me right into the wall again.

Then he went after Sanzo. He charged right over to him and grabbed him by the front of his robes, swung him around and around, smashed him down into the ground. A murmur went up from the Dethbreed. They were just enjoying the damn show.

Cursing and trying to shove my pain to the back of my mind, I got up.

Feng was right there. "That man…he's a monster. Who is he?"

"Ya' don't know?" I spat some blood out.

Feng shook his head, "I just know you'll need my help if you want to defeat him."

"Ya'…can ya' fight?"

He looked insulted. Oh well. Then he ran forward to where Ryptcore was lifting Sanzo up by his collar, his other fist raised to punch his lights out.

Feng drew his sword and leapt in the air. He swiped at Ryptcore, slicing him across the back. I didn't really think it would do anything, since he was wearing all that armor, but Ryptcore screamed and dropped Sanzo. He jumped up and spun around, caught Feng around the waist before he could get away and threw him into a building. The whole front of it exploded in a cloud of dust and glass.

I didn't get it. Hitting him with my bo hadn't done anything, but Feng's sword had cut him. Of course, as I looked at Ryptcore, I realized he wasn't hurt bad enough to even slow him down. It was like Feng had given him a paper cut.

"Right." I started to walk forward, knees buckling.

Sanzo was getting up too. I went to him, keeping one eye on Ryptcore. He was dealing with Feng now. "What're we gonna' do, Sanzo?"

Sanzo wheezed and brushed the dust off his robe, smearing blood on it. "What do you think? We're going to kill him—we just have to find his weakness."

This fight reminded me a lot of the fight we had with Kami-sama so long ago. Maybe if we all ganged up on him… but we needed Hakkai and Gojyo to help us.

I watched Ryptcore going after Feng, hitting him over and over, backing him toward a corner.

"One thing's for sure, he's easy to distract…and in spite of his ravings, I don't think he's very intelligent. The experiments they did on him likely tampered with his brain."

I nodded. "Will it help?"

"Anything will." Sanzo glanced at Gojyo, "Too bad that idiot had to go get himself knocked out right away…we could actually use his help right about now."

"What about Hakkai? Where dya' think he is?"

"It doesn't matter… It just matters where he isn't."

Ryptcore was coming toward us again. He had Feng by the hair and was dragging him along, practically skipping, like he'd caught somethin' yummy for dinner.

When he was a couple yards away, he threw Feng at us. It happened so fast, I could barely get out of the way, but Sanzo got hit, and they both flew past me.

"Sanzo!" I watched them crash into a pile of crates.

When I turned back, Ryptcore was coming at me, eyes gleaming.

I gripped my bo and jumped straight up in the air, landed on his back and hit him good in the head. This time he was the one who went flying and landed in a dusty pile. When he got up he even had a thread of blood leaking from his ear. It didn't matter. He still got up, and he was still smiling.

He came at me with his claws now, looking to sink them into my heart. I barely managed to get out of the way, blocked a few times. Sparks flew when the claws hit my bo. Once he snagged my leg and I fell down, had to hurry to get up before he came down on me.

I hit him a few more times too, aiming mostly for his head and his face. It didn't matter though. Even when I hit him as hard as I could, he always came back for more. After a while, his whole face was coated in blood, his nose was busted and he was missing some teeth, but he didn't care. I was starting to feel hopeless.

Worse than that though, for every time I hit him, he always got me back twice, so I was in even worse shape than he was. Sometimes Sanzo and Feng would come back to help me, but they did even less than I did. Sanzo found his gun and shot Ryptcore a bunch of times, but then he was always just on his back again a few seconds later. And Feng really got trashed. I thought he was gonna' die. The three of us weren't doing jack. Damn, if Gojyo and Hakkai were there we'd at least be doing a little better.

I don't know how long we fought. It felt like hours, and I was tiring out—Ryptcore didn't seem fazed at all. I didn't know how much longer I could keep it up, but now I felt like I was protecting Sanzo and Feng, and they were helping me less and less. Feng was drenched in blood, and Sanzo couldn't walk straight. I think he was out of bullets too. There were probably more with our supplies but…

"Why don't you give it up? Surely even you can see how futile this is." Ryptcore sneered, licking some of Sanzo's blood off his claws. "Just die. Spare yourselves this pain."

I spat a little more blood out. My mouth seemed to be full of it—I could barely speak around it. "Shut it, ass-face. We're never gonna' lose to a dick like you."

That just made him laugh, "Boy, you already have."

Not answering, I watched him. This did feel a lot like losing.

With a yell, I went at him one last time, determined that this time I was going to make him feel it. I jumped up and sprang at him, swung my bo at his face.

Ryptcore dodged the hit, spun around and sliced me across the back, knocking me to the ground. I rolled a ways gasping from the pain, feeling the hot blood well up from my wounds. "C-crap…crap…" This was horrible. This was awful. I couldn't do anything. My body hurt so bad…I just kept getting up and fighting, even though I could barely see, even though my body was on fire. I just kept fighting. I just kept losing.

He stood over me. He looked like a shadow, and there was smoke and fire behind him. I watched him raise his claws, "Say good night, Son Goku…"

Something else moved. Another shadow. Then there was a bright flash of purple light that hit Ryptcore full on, blowing him back.

That girl landed…whatever her crazy name was. She stood right where he had been a second ago, her voice frantic, "Get up! Didn't you hear me, you dumb kid? Get the hell up!" She grabbed my arm, claws digging in, dragged me to my feet. "We've got to hurry. That won't keep him down for long."

I stared at her, trying to understand what she was telling me.

"Hurry!" She snapped, "He'll be back over here in a second, "Grab your friends, we have to run!"

"R-run…but…"

Jade slapped me. "Snap out of it, kid! You want to keep fighting him? He's going to kill you!"

I shook my head, trying to clear the confusion. She was right… if we stayed here he'd just kill us. Maybe we could fight him again later, but right now we had to get away. "'Kay."

"It's about time. Get your red-headed friend, I'll get Sanzo."

I glanced over at Sanzo. He looked like he was still awake, but he was definitely down for the count. There was nothing any of us could do now.

_Gojyo_. I turned to run back over to Gojyo.

A bunch of youkai got in my way.

"Move it uglies!" I swung at them, trying to bust them up. They just moved. It was like swinging at shadows, and their glowing eyes never blinked.

Another burst of purple light blew them back, but it didn't kill them. "Hurry up!" Jade screamed.

I managed to get to Gojyo. God he looked bad. Real bad. I was almost scared to touch him, scared I'd just hurt him worse, but I pulled him up. He moaned as I pulled him over my shoulder. He was a lot taller than me, so his feet dragged.

_How can this really be happenin'?_

Feng stepped up. He looked bad too. His one eye was shut and he was bleeding all crazy, breathing like he could barely breathe at all. "I'll take him." He choked.

I stared at him. He looked like he was going to collapse. "Ya' sure?"

"We need you to fight…I'll take him."

Reluctantly, I nodded, and let him take Gojyo. He swung him over his shoulder. Behind him I could see that Sanzo was on his feet again, robes all torn up, and Jade was doing her best to hold the Dethbreed off with her purple chi. On the other side of the square Ryptcore was marching forward. He looked ruffled, but not hurt.

"Damn. That guy's tough."

Feng said, "My people are gathering at the northern end of the town—if we can make it there and get over the wall, we can escape. Will you cover me?"

"You got it." I twirled my bo and turned, ready to beat back the Dethbreed, if I could.

"Let's go!" Jade yelled, running for the square exit. Sanzo was right behind her, and then Feng, taking Gojyo with him. I watched them fight off some of the Dethbreed that were guarding the exit. It looked like the three of them would be enough to get us out of here, so I just had to focus on making sure no one stopped us from behind.

A few came at me, expressionless, claws flashing, but I was able to hold them off. They were all crazy strong. Probably as strong as me. For all I knew, a few of them were stronger. Anyway, if I were all healthy I might not have a problem, but my body hurt so bad, it was all I could do to keep them back and head for the exit at the same time. To make it all worse, the fire was still raging, and it was closing in too. If the Dethbreed didn't kill us, we'd probably all burn.

We'd never get out of here at this rate.

I fought them back a little. They were being careful, standing off a few feet, studying me, but I knew that if I tried to turn my back they'd follow, and every time I took a step back, they came toward me. I was starting to really think I might die in this place. The others weren't doing any better.

Then I heard a familiar chirp, and Jeep flew past my face in a blur of white.

"Jeep!"  
He chirped again and flew back the other way, circled around and landed on top of a pile of barrels.

One of the youkai took the opportunity to attack me, so I had to hesitate and knock him back. Then I looked at Jeep again. Not at Jeep. What he was sitting on. The barrels each had one word painted on them: Fuel.

I didn't know why these people had fuel, and I didn't have time to care. I only knew two things about fuel: it made cars go, and it burned.

"Hey!" I smiled for the first time in what felt like years, "Jeep you rock!" Then I swung my bo at the youkai who'd gotten too close, knocking them back. The next time though, I swung at the pile of barrels, making them fall over. There were just enough of them.

They all fell over, busting open and rolling and leaking fuel everywhere. One youkai even got crushed by them. I grabbed a nearby piece of wood that was starting to burn, and flung it onto the fuel. Right away a bright blaze started, a wall of fire springing up between me and the Dethbreed.

"Guys!" I turned, running toward my friends, "Let's get outta' here!" I jumped up and kicked at some of the youkai they were fighting, knocking the others down with my bo. Jade took care of the rest.

"I agree." She said, leading the way out. "We've lingered here long enough—hurry!"

Sanzo was right behind her, holding a sword he'd picked up, and then Feng.

I brought up the rear, paused just long enough to look over my shoulder. The fire was really high now, and the Dethbreed wasn't bothering to try to break through it. I could see Ryptcore standing over there, wind blowing his long hair as he stood perfectly still.

He was so creepy.

But he was behind me now, and that was all I cared about.

My body ached as I ran, and I was having a hard time breathing. I had to keep wiping the blood out of my eyes too, but I still just ran as fast as I could. The fire was worse than ever: buildings were collapsing and the sky was totally black from the smoke. There wasn't a sign of life anywhere. Not at all like the awesome, peaceful, beautiful place I'd hung out in all day. It was awful.

_Just focus on staying with the others._

But I was hurt so bad, and everything was so hazy, I kept tripping and falling behind, plus I had to weave through all kinds of burning debris. It was way hard to keep up, and after a while, they were way ahead of me, heading for the northern tree line.

"Goku!"  
"Hakkai!"

He was running up on the side of me, totally okay. "What in the world happened here?"

"It's sorta' a long story, Hakkai…"

"Ryptcore?"

"Yeah…"

"You're hurt."

"A little. What about you? Are ya' okay?"

Hakkai nodded, "I'll be fine for now. Where are the others?"

"Up ahead—we're gonna' go meet what's left of the villagers."

"I see. In that case, let's hurry."

"You said it."

I felt a little better seeing Hakkai. At least as long as he was around he'd be able to heal everybody, and then maybe later we could all go fight Ryptcore together. The four of us had to be enough to beat him. Had to be.

We didn't have to run much further before we caught up to Sanzo and the others. They were hanging around the northern wall, past the tree line. Some other half-breeds were there too: the girl we saw earlier. A couple, some guys my age, a few more girls and Deshi. There were only ten of them, not including Feng. Eleven people made it out of the village alive. A bunch of them were injured and burned. I didn't see anyone I'd helped today. I didn't see anyone who'd given me a meal. I realized they were dead. All or them were dead.

That was a terrible realization. How could this be happening?

"We all here?" Feng demanded. He still had Gojyo slung over his shoulder. "Lei, is this really all you could find?"

Lei nodded. She was holding Deshi's hand and she looked like she'd been crying, "I'm sorry Feng…everyone else is dead."

"Maybe not." Another man said. "They might have made it out already."

"We'll worry about finding them later." Feng decided. "Right now it's important for us to get out of here."

"Great idea." I said, heading for the wall.

Jade was already hopping over it.

We got over the wall, and then we just kept running, away from the fire and the heat and the Dethbreed. I didn't know if Ryptcore was chasing us or not, and I didn't want to look to find out. All I knew was that by the time we started to slow down to take a break, the moon was really high in the sky and the night was chilly. Behind us I could see the faint orange glow of the fire, but it was miles away. Hopefully it wouldn't spread too much, or too fast.

We took a break by the river to catch our breath, and so Hakkai could heal the wounded.

I was really hungry.

Feng laid Gojyo on the ground and Hakkai knelt beside him, looking for his pulse and shaking his head.

I edged a little closer, trying to ignore my own wounds. "Is…is'e alright, Hakkai?"

"I'm not sure." Hakkai murmured. "I can fix some of these wounds…but the broken bones, I can't repair those very well."

I tried not to think about how Ryptcore had stomped on him, sank to the ground too, touching Gojyo's arm. There were bruises all over his throat. Hard to believe just a little over an hour ago we were walking through the woods together. We were laughing together. I was trying to tell him something important. Now that something important didn't matter. Not at all.

_Gojyo…how could this happen?_

"He almost killed 'im, didn't he?"

Hakkai didn't answer.

"An' all the other half-breeds too…" I added a little more quietly, "there already weren't very many of 'em…and now…"

Hakkai sighed, "Try not to worry about it, Goku.

I didn't see how I was supposed to not worry about it, but I didn't say anything. I just watched him heal Gojyo.

"What about that woman?"

"I dunno'. She came an' helped us escape."

"I see."

"Where'd ya' go, Hakkai? We needed ya'."

"Yes, I'm sorry. I just had to do a bit of thinking, I suppose. After the other night, I'm just not sure…"

"Ya' didn't kill anybody." I told him.

"No, but I…I enjoyed what I did. And that's what frightens me the most: that I might go berserk…or that I already have."

I hugged my knees to my chest, thinking about that. I knew what he meant. I knew exactly how he felt. Coming back after being in my youkai form just got harder and harder, especially when I knew that I'd hurt people and that I could have accidentally killed someone. "You're not berserk, Hakkai. It'll be okay."

He sighed, "I certainly hope you're right, Goku.


	11. Chapter 11

**Note: All right, here's the deal with this. I've done way too much work on this to just drop it, but I'm feeling really lost, so if there's anyone out there who has even the slightest interest in this fic, I really need some feedback. Normally, I don't care about reviews, but in this case, any sort commentary would help me get back on track, I think. Thanks. **

Gojyo

Damn. My whole body hurt so bad I couldn't believe it. Even when I was awake, it was all I could do to just lie there. My lips were throbbing and my mouth was dry, the side of my face felt like it was on fire and just breathing made my whole chest and abdomen ache. I was lying on the cold ground, and that didn't help either.

I wished Hakkai would get his ass back here and heal me. That lazy punk ass.

Around me, I could hear voices, but I didn't care about them. All I could think about was fighting Ryptcore and how easily he'd trashed me, and seeing Hu lying there dead in front of his house, Lei telling me everyone was dead, all the bodies I'd seen of half-blood people like me, Feng saying it was my fault. I didn't want to think about any of it, but I couldn't help it. I didn't want to believe that place was gone. Even though I'd decided not to stay there, it would be comforting to know it was out there, that I could go back some day if I wanted to. Now it was gone.

Maybe if Feng was alive he could rebuild it.

I doubted he was. I didn't think anyone could be alive after that confrontation. Ryptcore was brutally strong, so strong he'd completely caught me off guard. I wouldn't be surprised if Sanzo and Feng and everyone else in the village were dead. Hakkai was alive somewhere, and Goku might have made it out somehow, but it was impossible for anyone else to have survived. Hell, I wasn't sure if I had survived myself. For all I knew, I was dead too.

Nearby I could hear water running, and that reminded me how friggin' thirsty I was. Maybe in a while I'd drag myself over to the river and take a drink. Right now I just wanted to fall asleep again.

I closed my eyes.

The voices went on talking, but I still didn't know who they were. I wondered if the Dethbreed had taken me prisoner, but I couldn't imagine why they would want to. What good was I to them alive?

I had to be dead too.

A moment passed and I heard footsteps, and then I got the feeling someone was hovering over me, so I opened my eyes, surprised to see Hakkai kneeling beside me.

"Ah, you're awake. I wondered if you might be."

"You…" My mouth was so dry, I could barely speak. "It'sa' 'bout time… Hurry th' hell up an' heal me."

Hakkai gave me a weird look, and then he smiled, "Oh I see. Is that how it is? I'm sorry if you're in pain, but unfortunately I've already healed you, and there's nothing more I can do for you."

"What?" I snapped, wincing immediately. Talking that loudly made my ribs hurt. "You already healed me?"

"Yes, last night. You gave us quite a scare, you know: you've been unconscious for some time now."

"Wait…wait…how can you have already healed me?" I still wasn't even grasping that. It hurt so much… Everything hurt so much.

Hakkai exhaled heavily, like he hated to tell me. "Oh, it's nothing really. Just, some of your more serious wounds are beyond what I can fix: quite a few of your ribs were broken and your sternum was fractured. As you know, bones aren't something chi can heal…" he seemed to think a moment, "In spite of that, you should be all right if you take it easy."

_ Take it easy? Shit. How do I do that at a time like this?_

I closed my eyes again, "That guy… Hakkai, that guy was so strong…"

"You're lucky to be alive, Gojyo."

"Goku and Sanzo?"

"They managed to escape—they were pretty bad off as well. Apparently this Ryptcore is more than just an urban legend."

"Way more." I strained to sit up and pain lanced all down my spine. "Sonnuva…"

"Perhaps you'd do better to just lie still for a while."

"Needa' smoke." I started searching for my cigarettes, but when I found them they were totally crushed, and I couldn't find my lighter anyway.

"Man, this sucks." For a few seconds, we sat there in silence. At last I found the guts to ask, "What about the town?"

Hakkai hesitated, and I knew he didn't want to tell me—but I already knew. "It's gone, Gojyo. Feng took some of the others back this morning to look for survivors, but there weren't any, and the town was burned to the ground."

"Everyone's dead?" I asked numbly.

"Not everyone. A few of them escaped—including you, there are twelve half-breeds here now…but that isn't very many, considering."

I looked up at last and saw that they'd made some kind of a camp. The river was a few yards away, and there was a fire. Sanzo was sitting there with Goku, and a bunch of hybrids were there too. I saw Lei and Deshi and Feng. I didn't know the others. "Shit. Eleven? Eleven people got out of there?"

"A discouraging number. I know."

"That bastard. That son of a bitch, Ryptcore."

All at once the anger came back to me, and I couldn't sit there anymore. I got up, not even sure what to do or where to go. I just wanted to kick the shit out of something. I couldn't believe it was all gone. I didn't want to face that reality.

Hakkai got up too, "Gojyo…please."

Feng saw me, "Oh so you're finally awake, huh?" He sounded really pissed off and bitter.

Could I blame him?

I tried to downplay it, like I usually did, "Guess that makes twelve of us."

He got up and came toward me, "You're including yourself with us now? What a novel ideal."

I really didn't like his tone, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Don't tell me you don't know."

I just stared at him, not even sure how to respond.

Feng shook his head, "Twenty-four hours ago, you didn't want anything to do with us, now suddenly you care that everyone else is dead? You have a lot of nerve thinking that when it was you and your damn friends who got my town destroyed!"

The words were like a slap in the face, "What? We didn't-"

"Just admit it, Gojyo! If you hadn't come along this wouldn't have happened! You had to come in with your goddamn attitude and bravado, and you brought that gang of punks with you! Boy, you're taking the term 'bad luck' to a whole new level."

"You think I led that psycho here on purpose? He's after Sanzo, not me!"

"You fucking punk!" He pushed me back, making my ribs ache even worse, "I should have known from the moment I saw you you'd just cause us trouble! You came waltzing in here with that fuckin' youkai!"

"Excuse_ me_, Feng, but if I remember correctly, you brought us in against our damn will—it's your own fault the town is gone!"

That only made him angrier; I saw it in his eyes right before he punched me in the face.

Normally I didn't think it would have hurt: Feng was tough to survive fighting Ryptcore with Sanzo and Goku, but he wasn't any stronger than I was. But being injured and everything, it hurt pretty bad, and I wound up falling on my ass like an idiot.

Everyone was watching now: my friends and all the other half-breeds. No one said anything.

"Don't you dare say something like that to me, you sonnova bitch! You goddamn punk! I was just trying to help you! Now everyone I love is dead! My wife, my friends, _everyone!_ All because of _you_, ya' fuckin' youkai lover!"

"Hey Feng." I spat blood, pushing myself up painfully. "Why don'tcha look in a mirror? You_ are_ a youkai!"

Probably not the smartest thing to say. I was really bent on pissing him off, I guess.

Feng kicked me in the ribs as I was getting up, knocked me flat on my back again. Pain shot through my torso and out my limbs. I choked from the shock and wound up coughing, fighting to breathe.

"Hey!" Goku yelled.

"You stupid kid!" Feng stood over me. "You and your friends deserve whatever you get!" He turned to stomp away, and I lay there on the ground, wheezing and holding my ribs.

Hakkai and Goku came over right away, each of them grabbing one of my arms and pulling me up.

"You okay?" Goku asked, hanging onto my jacket.

Humiliated, face burning, I shoved them off, "Yeah, yeah, I'm great. Just leme' alone, alright?"

"Gojyo…" Hakkai sounded like he was on the verge of saying something stupidly helpful; something he obviously knew wouldn't help at all.

I snapped at him, "God, Hakkai, for once just shut the fuck up!" I kept walking too, in the direction opposite of Feng, stomping through the weeds and bushes, cracking twigs as I stepped on them. Pretty soon the camp was way behind me. I knew it was stupid to wander around with Ryptcore out there with his demented soldiers, but I didn't care.

I was so angry I didn't think I could take it. This was such a shitty week. I kept getting my ass kicked by every crazy youkai that crossed my path and now crazy half-breeds too. My best friend was losing his goddamn mind, and Sanzo was still being an ass. Now this. When was my shitty luck going to stop? "Damn, I've gotta' start checkin' my horoscope more often."

It wasn't even the anger that was bugging me the most. I could handle the anger, but I couldn't get over how guilty I felt. Feng was right. As much as I wished it weren't, this was my fault. I shouldn't have stayed in the village. I should have just left, like I meant to. I guess it was Hu's words that made me stick around. All that bullshit about being happy and running from the people who understood me best.

Fuck that old geezer. Now he was dead, and what did he know in the end? A whole bunch of nothing. But I was the real idiot for listening to him.

What was I thinking, believing I could belong with them? I'd never belonged anywhere, so why would that suddenly change?

_Whatever._

I fumbled with my cigarettes again and finally found my lighter. I was getting desperately low on smokes now, and I didn't want to have to start bumming them off of Sanzo, so I had no choice but to try to find some that were salvageable, bent or not.

If only I could just keep going west and forget all about this, but I knew I never would.

And then there was still the problem of Ryptcore. That asshole was dangerous—I knew better than anyone.

I rubbed my ribs and thought about the brief fight I'd had with him, feeling like I knew something the others didn't. When I attacked him and he hit me, there was a split second where I touched a terrifyingly awesome power—it was like a huge, deep, black pool of water that stretched into forever. I wasn't really sure why Goku and Sanzo got out with just a few scrapes when I got totally trashed, but I had a really scary feeling that it was because he'd been playing with them. What else could it be? Better yet, why would he? It just didn't make sense for him to let them off so easily when he could have done to them what he did to me just as quickly. That meant next time we had to face him, we might all be worm food.

I walked around for a long time, driving myself crazy thinking about everything, and by the time I started to head back, the sun was going down. I felt cold and hungry and more hopeless than ever.

Right when I was about to get back to camp, I heard something off to my right. At first I thought it was just the river or an animal, but the harder I listened the more I started to think it was a voice.

For a moment I stood there, trying to think what I should do. It could be Ryptcore or his men, but it could be someone else: one of the guys, somebody from camp. Maybe a survivor from the town even.

Whatever it was, it seemed worth finding out, so I headed in that direction. A pretty serious fog had fallen, and the forest was so misty I could barely see anything, so I wound up tripping all over shit and almost falling on my face a bunch of times. Finally, I broke through the foliage and into a clearing where I could barely make out the surface of the river.

Lei was sitting there with her face buried in her hands, sobbing pretty hard, and she didn't notice me, so I stood there and stared for a while. Damn. Even after this shit-coated day I still had to put up with seeing a pretty girl crying her eyes out. If I hadn't felt like an asshole before, I definitely did now.

The only thing I could think of was that maybe, somehow, I could make her feel better.

That was probably just the next mistake on my long list of screw ups, but I stepped toward her anyway, "Hey."

Lei whipped her head around, and I could see her swollen eyes and the tears running down her face. "Get out of here, Gojyo."

I stopped a few feet away, "What? You mad at me too?"

She shook her head, "…I just want to be alone."

I sighed. So much for making her feel better, "Fair enough." I turned to go.

"I'm sorry, Gojyo." She whispered. "It's not your fault."

I hesitated, "S'all good."

"Did he hurt you?"

"Not really."

Lei lowered her head, "I'm just really sorry."

"Don't be. Nn. I mean, it sorta' is my fault…"

"You didn't do anything wrong."

I shrugged, folding my arms, "Maybe if I hadn't hung around so long that asshole wouldn't have come."

"Maybe doesn't get us anywhere."

"Guess not."

She was quiet a while, and I felt some of my courage coming back.

"It'll be okay." I said, even when I knew it probably wouldn't be. Wasn't that what I was supposed to say, true or not?

"No it won't. My home…where are we supposed to go now?"

"The real world isn't that hard to live in-you guys'll be fine."

"I'd like to believe that, Gojyo, but I've lived in the real world before… I just don't know if you can really understand."

I frowned, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It's just that…your friends are full bloods, but they seem to genuinely care about you. Wherever you go, they're always with you. I just don't think you really understand what it's like to be totally alone."

I don't get pissed at chicks easily, but that made me really mad. "Are you for real? You think I don't know what it's like to be by myself? I'm a half-breed just like you—you think just because my friends don't care means I don't know what prejudice is?"

She just looked at me.

"Hell! You're the one that's been livin' in the damn village of acceptance!"

"Don't be insensitive, Gojyo."

"Insensitive?" I clenched my fists, "Just listen to you!"

"Look, I just lost my home, all my family, most of my friends. My whole life was in that village, don't you get that? It's easy for you to say surviving in the real world isn't so bad, but you get to walk out of here with your friends, God willing. What about the kids? Some of them lived their whole lives in that village; they don't know anything else!"

I thought about Deshi, wondered what he'd do now. It was a subject close to home to think of the kid making his own way on the streets. "All right, I get that. But I think it's pretty shitty of you to just assume I don't know what it's like to be alone or to be hated for who I am."

Lei looked at me seriously; I could practically feel her studying my scars, "Do you?"

That was pretty much the last straw for me. "What do you think?" I sneered, and stomped back the way I came.

I couldn't believe her. Sure, I got that she was upset, but we all had it sucky. Why should I be any different just because I was hanging around with the loser crew? Besides, me and the guys were all outside the box. Even Sanzo. Seriously: a monkey youkai who'd been trapped in a mountain for five hundred years, the psychotic, smiling, human-turned-youkai, and the gunslinging, alcohol slugging, tobacco smoking sanzo priest. Plus me. What wasn't weird about our group? We were all misfits. Hanging with the others wasn't like existing normally in the real world. It was like being part of a really strange, irritating little club.

I was tromping through the forest, feeling really mad now, moving a little faster than normal, when I heard something ahead of me. A step and a crack. Like someone was coming toward me.

Whoever they were, if they were an enemy, I'd fuck 'em up. I wasn't in the mood to be jerked around and beaten up anymore.

Hakkai came through the trees, and I ran right into him, stumbling back and clutching my ribs.

"Shit, Hakkai!"

He just smiled and said, "Ah. There you are."

"Here I am." I agreed darkly.

"Yes, well." He straightened his shirt as Jeep landed on his shoulder. "I've been looking for you, you see."

"Worried about me?"

"Something like that. Your injuries are rather serious, and I thought I'd remind you that it's a bit irresponsible of you to run around as if nothing were wrong."

I glared at him, not in the mood for a Hakkai lecture, then I stepped past him, "Not right now, alright, Hakkai?"

"Gojyo, wait." He grabbed my arm gently as I went by.

I didn't look at him.

"I didn't come just because of your wounds. I wanted to know if you're all right."

I snorted, "It's way fucked, Hakkai."

"I agree. What happened to the village was very wrong, however, I do not agree with Feng in saying it was all your fault. Certainly none of us intended for this to happen."

"That's not the point."

"Isn't it?"

"I-I hung around there, Hakkai…I didn't even think 'bout that asshole followin' us. I knew you and Sanzo'd show up eventually. I guess I just didn't think about Ryptcore comin' after you. Pfft. Hell. Just a selfish bastard."

"Oh, no one's denying that. But don't you think surviving in this world requires a certain level of selfishness? I recognize that you're apt to take the blame whenever someone points their finger at you, but you can't go through your life shouldering the responsibility for everything that goes wrong simply because you were involved."

"I don't." I said simply, but I knew I was lying.

"Please be serious, Gojyo."

"Alright, maybe sometimes. Alright? Not this time though…this time it really was 'cause I was there—if I hadn't come along that place would still be standin'. You can't deny that, Hakkai."

He spoke quietly, and for some stupid reason, it was comforting to feel his hand on my arm. "You were just trying to find something that would make you happy, Gojyo. No one can hold that against you. After all, it doesn't make sense for you to go through the rest of your life being miserable simply because of your blood, does it?"

"I dunno'."

"Well I for one don't think it does."

I closed my eyes. It was good to know Hakkai wasn't running out on me, no matter how many retarded things I did.

"Just try not to blame yourself so much." He whispered. "This wasn't your fault."

If only I could feel like that was the truth. "Look, Hakkai, I get what you're tryin' ta' do, man. But…this's somethin' I've gotta' figure out on my own. Besides, you've got your own issues to deal with right now."

"Yes. I suppose you're right."

"How's that coming anyway?" I'd talk about anything to get my mind off that other bullshit right now, even if it _was_ Hakkai losing his mind.

"Ah, I'm not sure. Today was normal enough, although, I didn't do very much."

"Yeah, well you weren't doing much when you busted outta' Feng's jail either, huh?"

"I guess that's true."

"What's with that anyway, man?"

"I don't have an explanation." He said reluctantly, "It could be the minus wave."

"The minus wave, huh?" He was saying it, but I wasn't buying it. Over a whole year we'd been on this ridiculous crusade, and the minus wave had never affected Hakkai _or_ Goku, and it damn sure wasn't affecting me. If it weren't for all the crazy youkai we kept running into, I might not even believe the thing was real at all.

For some reason, I couldn't help thinking about things before our journey started—things had been so calm and simple, life was a freakin' cakewalk, and for a while there, I'd been thinking everything was better than it had ever been in the past. I was bored, I guess, but now, I felt like I'd give all this up in a second if it meant not having to do anything anymore. Sleep all day. Drink all night. That was the way to live.

I was such an idiot: I hadn't seen any of this coming. I had honestly thought I could keep living that way forever, rooming with Hakkai, helping Sanzo out sometimes, fucking a new chick every night. If only I'd had some idea of how complicated everything was going to become.

There had been plenty of youkai in town, and they'd all gone berserk and run off, I guess, so who knew if I'd ever see any of them again. Not that it really mattered. I'd been friends with some of them, but not super-close friends. I'd never been super close with anybody.

Up until I met the guy walking next to me now.

I owed it to Hakkai to help him figure this out, and there wasn't room for my shitty guilt issues.

"Hey." I put my arm around his neck, "I don't think it's the minus wave, so don't worry about it so much."

Hakkai looked at me incredulously, "You're telling me not to worry? Because it might not be the minus wave?"

"Exactly."

"And what makes you think _that_?"

"'Cause it's happening out of nowhere, know what I mean? This minus wave thing doesn't seem like the sorta' thing that happens over night: I picture it being a long-ass, drawn-out deterioration of your sanity, and _you're_ just going nuts out of nowhere."

"I'm not sure I agree with you on that, but, for the sake of argument, if it isn't the minus wave, what do you think the reason is?"

I wasn't used to having him ask me things like that—Hakkai always had a better idea of what was going on in any situation, so I considered that a moment. Did he really not have any idea, or could it be that he knew what was happening and just didn't want to say so?

"I dunno', man, but I do know that as long as it's not the minus wave, we can prevent it."

Hakkai sighed, "Well that's characteristically optimistic of you, I suppose. And it's good of you to offer to help."

"Damn straight—I'm your wingman."

"A wingman with a broken torso. I think I'm doomed to die."

"Nah, if anybody's dyin' on this ass-sucking quest it's probably gonna' be me. I don't have any alternate forms or latent power to fall back on."

"Nonsense. You have to go on living, so the women of the world will continue to have something to laugh at."

"Oy." I glared at him, "That's like the most uncalled for thing I've ever heard you say."

"Do you really think so?" He laughed, and I knew he was trying to get me to change the subject.

"Do _you_ really think you're gonna' die before I do? You're losing your grip, not dying. And right now, it looks like hanyou life's pretty friggin' cheap."

He stopped suddenly, giving me a harsh look, "Stop it. I won't listen to this morbid self-pity of yours—Ryptcore didn't kill _you_, and that's all that matters to me, and it should be all that matters to _you_."

I felt sort of stupid now, touched my aching ribs, thinking that Ryptcore had every chance in the world to kill me right along with all the others, wondering why he bothered leaving me alive. Immediately, I grinned at him, "Hey, don't get bent outta' shape, bro. I'm just kidding."

Hakkai didn't so much as smile, "Your sense of humor leaves much to be desired."

"C'mon, seriously. It was a joke. No shit I'm not dying—check out my life line." I pulled my jacket sleeve back, holding my hand up, "I got like a hundred and twenty years on me."

He grabbed my wrist, twisting it mildly, and dull pain shot through my arm.

"That hurts, 'Kai." I scowled.

"It's no more than you deserve, you insensitive, tactless idiot."

"For the last time, it was a joke."

"What do you take me for?"

"Fine, fine." I tried to wrench away, "I'm sorry, okay? It was a stupid thing to say."

"Not to mention foundless."

"Right, right. That too. I'm never gonna' die, I swear."

Hakkai still looked pretty pissed, but he let go of me, "Well, I'm sure lung cancer will get you eventually, but as long as we're on this foul, little trip, you'd better not."

"I won't, I won't." I rubbed my wrist, wondering if he'd sprained it. "Man, you're on edge."

"Not necessarily, I've just never heard you say anything so incredibly…morbid as long as I've known you."

"Don't worry about it." We started walking again. Then I added, haphazardly, "Just, it seems kinda' true."

"If you're saying that because of what happened last night, then I apologize for not being there. Perhaps if I had been, it wouldn't have happened."

Face flushing, I snapped, "I don't need you protecting me, okay? I'm not some insanely powerful youkai, but I ain't a pushover either. Ryptcore's a nightmare, that's all. And yeah. It _would_ have been nice if you'd been around."

"Gojyo. You're beginning to make me angry."

"Big fucking deal. You don't scare me, with or without those stupid earrings."

He sent me a haunting look, "Don't you think I'm already angry enough with myself for being elsewhere when the three of you needed me?"

"Damn." I stopped suddenly, raking the hair away from my face, "Why're we doing this? Just forget it, okay? Let's just pretend this whole conversation never happened. Deal?"

"Very well." He said, but the frown didn't go away.

We went a ways in silence before I hung my arm off his shoulder again, "It doesn't matter, Hakkai. Nobody blames you for not being there."

"I didn't have a valid excuse for leaving, that's all."

"I think it was a pretty good excuse, and at the time, you were convincing."

"Nothing makes sense right now. I apologize for my behavior, but…well, I suppose I _am_ a little on edge."

"It's cool. Water under the bridge." I flicked my wrist, making sure it wasn't sprained, and we went on back to camp.

The other half-breeds were there, all huddled around their fire, whispering. A few of the kids were lying on the ground, a couple of them crying. I spotted Deshi off by himself, looking blankly out into the forest and wondered what he was thinking about. I caught his eye and tried to smile. He just waved. Feng was there too, glaring at me like I was going to do something to kill off what was left of his little clan, so I kept my distance.

If only what Hakkai had said could be true. If only this wasn't my fault—then I could stop blaming myself. I guess sometimes I really did take the blame for things I hadn't done; it was just second nature after Mom blamed me for everything that went wrong in her life. As a kid, I used to feel like I brought nothing but bad things for my family and everyone else around me. Sometimes I still felt that way. I couldn't help feeling like I was a curse, and this time a whole town had been destroyed, just because I was in it.

Sanzo and Goku were sitting by the fire, and it looked like everyone else was shunning them completely. The kid was glancing around nervously, but Sanzo had his eyes closed, smoking, like he didn't notice anyone else was around. We walked over to them.

"Well, Sanzo, what did you decide?" Hakkai asked.

"Decide?" I blinked, "Decide about what? Since when are we making decisions without me? Hey, you guys know I'm still parta' the goddamn team, right?"

Hakkai shushed me, and Sanzo gave me an annoyed glare.

"You were unconscious when we started discussing it, however, the concern is that all of our supplies were left behind, in the village, including extra food, water, clothes, our bedding, and Sanzo's ammunition. Obviously, most of that is replacable, but there's no telling when we'll make it to the next town at the rate things are going, and I'd say we're probably going to need ammunition for the gun sooner than later."

"Great, so what's the decision?"

"I'm going back." Sanzo said, as casually as saying he was going to order another beer or pick up a hooker. "That Ryptcore maniac is still around somewhere, and right now I'm at a huge disadvantage."

"But don't you think all that stuff probably burned up in th' fire?" Goku asked.

"Maybe. The pathetic little shack they set us up in was pretty out of the way though. There's a chance I'll find what I need."

"Issit worth the risk?"

"Goku. They're the bullets for my gun. What do you think?"

The kid was quiet after that, so I took up the ask stupid questions campaign. "You goin' alone?"

"I was planning on it, yes."

"That's sorta' stupid, isn't it?"

He snapped, "I don't need your approval for my plan."

"I just meant that Ryptcore is supposed to kill you, specifically. We already know he's not gonna' hesitate with killing anyone else who happens to be around, but you're the one he wants dead."

"You think I'm an idiot, Gojyo? I know damn well what that bastard wants."

"I just don't know if it's smart to go by yourself."

His eye started to twitch very slightly. I wondered if it was from lack of sleep or lack of potassium. "Shove your concern. First of all, I am not a child, and I do not need an escort. Secondly, since that lunatic will no doubt be looking for us it would be best to keep this a covert operation. Do you know what that means? All of us going would only draw attention."

"Fuck you, Sanzo, I'm just trying to help!"

"You can't even help yourself." He looked at me like I was supposed to argue with him about that now and started marching toward the edge of camp, "I'm going now."

"Be careful." Hakkai advised. "Remember to try to stay out of sight, and get in and out as quickly as you can."

Sanzo just snorted, "What is it with everyone acting like my mother today?"

"Wait a minute, man. "I followed him.

"What do you want now?"

"I want to go too."

Sanzo's expression was torn somewhere between agitated and confused, and I might have laughed if my ribs didn't hurt so much, "I thought I just explained this."

"Yeah, yeah, covert operation or whatever. I still want to go."

"What in the hell for?"

Hakkai started to cut in, "Gojyo, I don't think it would be very wise in your condition."

I gave him a insolent smile just to piss him off and shut him up, "I'm feelin' fine, 'Kai." Turned back to Sanzo, "Anyway, I'm outta' smokes, and unless I can find the other pack I had with my stuff, I'm bummin' off you until we get somewhere I can buy 'em."

Sanzo glared. I thought maybe he was going to look at me that way forever, so angry and annoyed and completely sick of me. Let him be that way. I was going back to that village one way or another, and I didn't need his goddamn permission.

"Hn. Fine. But you better keep your head down and your mouth _shut, _Kappa. I am not getting killed because of you, and if you slow me down, I'm leaving you behind."

"All the regular bullshit in other words. When do we leave?"

That furiously helpless scowl was still plastered all over his face as he finally tore his eyes off mine, "Five minutes."

"Sounds good." I went to the center of the camp to root through what little the villagers had salvaged. All I really wanted was a canteen for water, since I was still thirsty as hell. Feng frowned like I wasn't allowed to touch their shit, but no one said anything to me. I didn't find a canteen anyway. Guess I was goin' thirsty.

Hakkai came up behind me while I was still kneeling there, digging through the loot, "Why are you doing this?" He asked quietly.

"Told you already, Hakkai, I need to go get my smokes."

"I don't believe this is about cigarettes. Anything you left in that village was probably destroyed in the fire."

"But Sanzo gets to go back and look for his shit?"

"Sanzo's ammunition is a necessity, and you know it."

"Cigarettes are a necessity for me, and _you_ know it."

He was quiet a while. I stood up, brushing the dust off my pants, but I didn't face him.

Finally he said, a little maliciously too, "Just don't do anything stupid, Gojyo. If you have to fight that monster again, you'll likely just break into tiny pieces."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence there, buddy."

"Everything. Everything is always a joke with you. Nothing can ever just be serious. When in the world do you think you're going to grow up?"

Hm. He must have really been on edge, talking to me that way. It wasn't like Hakkai to be rude. "At this rate, prob'ly never."

"That's what I'm afraid of." That was the last of his nagging, and then he went back to hang out with Goku and probably bitch about me and make jokes at my expense.

Sanzo and I left in another couple of minutes. It was late to be out walking, and the sky was almost completely dark now. As we left the camp behind, I could see a small, glowing fire. Feng sure was stupid if he thought Ryptcore wouldn't spot that shit a mile away and come running.

Unless Captain Crazy was on our tail instead.

Hakkai was right, this was a stupid thing to do; it wasn't about cigarettes at all, and it was idiotic of me to go risking my life when I didn't need to; still it didn't feel right not to go. This was my only opportunity to see the village again, to really understand what had happened, and to come to terms with the fact that it was really gone.

I needed to see the piles of smoldering rubble with my own two eyes.

No shit I didn't expect to find a pack of Hi-Lites when I got there.

Come to think of it, maybe I should have gone a little easier on them, since now I didn't have any. Out of the corner of my eye, I glanced at Sanzo, wondering if there was any chance he'd give me a few of his.

Before I could ask, he said, "He's right, you know. You're being stupid."

"Oh, and you care?" I snorted.

"Don't flatter yourself. I'd just rather not have a crippled jackass slowing me down if an enemy shows up."

I scanned the woods. So far, everything seemed peaceful. I didn't feel any youkai energy, I didn't hear anything either, and as far as I could see, we were alone. "Then you better hope none show up."

"Or else you could just go back to camp."

"I'm good." I checked again to make sure I really had no cigarettes, but the only ones left in my pack were completely mutilated. "Hey, gime' a cigarette, would'ja?"

"I'm not giving you anything."

"C'mon, Sanzo, don't be such a cheap ass!"

He snorted, but wound up pulling his cigarettes out of his sleeve anyway and handed me one. "You're only getting one."

"Well ain't I lucky?" I was surprised he'd actually let me have one, and I guess I was grateful too. I lit the Marlboro. It was a little harsher than I was used to, and I didn't exactly dig the taste, but nicotine was nicotine. Maybe I could make it last until we got to the village, if I smoked a little here and there, but when it was gone I was really screwed. "So, uh, what was it like…fightin' that freak?"

"You fought him yourself, you shouldn't have to ask."

Was he trying to make me admit out loud that I'd gotten my ass kicked in the first five minutes of the fight? No way I was going to say it. Not to Sanzo, "Seems like you guys made it out okay."

He didn't answer. Looking at him, you'd think Ryptcore didn't bother him, that the fight wasn't a big deal—nothing was—he wasn't worried or afraid or even nervous. For all I knew, he really wasn't, but if my guess was right, Ryptcore had been toying with him and Goku anyway.

"That creep's tougher than he looks." I said to test his reaction.

"He caught us off guard." Sanzo answered stiffly, "That's all."

"So you don't think it's a problem?"

"Hn. That freak's just askin' for it. We'll be ready for him next time, and I'll put him down myself."

I guess the idiot really wasn't worried. "Listen, Sanzo, I dunno' what happened with that fight exactly, but I don't think he was fighting for real. Even if we're ready for him next time, it might not make a difference."

"If you're scared, feel free to take a nap next time too, but don't expect the rest of us to do the same."

"Fine." I growled. "You want me to say it? Fine. That guy fucked me up really bad, Sanzo, and not 'cause I'm a pussy or 'cause I wasn't ready for it. If you don't wanna' listen to me, fine, you don't have to, but I think there's a damn good reason I was out in sixty seconds and you and Goku weren't."

"Gojyo, the only reason you got your ass kicked is because you're chicken shit, and since you'll probably be shepherding what's left of the Lost Half-breed Village to safety while we fight Ryptcore, I don't recommend you bother your tiny brain with it."

I wanted to bust him in the face a few times for that. "How many times do I hafta' say it? I'm not going anywhere."

"Whatever. Just stop acting like you know something no one else does."

"God _damn_ you're a prick. _And_ you're an idiot if you're really going to stand there and pretend Ryptcore doesn't scare the living shit out of you."

"Well, he doesn't. Now drop it. All your yelling's going to get us caught."

Nevermind that I hadn't so much as raised my voice, but whatever; I was sick of talking to him anyway. If he wanted to be an idiot and get himself killed, fine. Not my problem. At least when he was dead I could go home.

We were quiet for most of the rest of the way, and the forest was silent. I figured if I said anything Sanzo would just start an argument anyway, and I didn't have much to say to him. The village was a few miles east of Feng's camp, as it turned out—I was surprised by how far they'd gone—from atop a ridge I could see what was left of it: a huge black scar marring the green mountain valley, smoke still filling the air. Hard to believe that just this morning it had been a thriving place.

By midnight, we'd made it all the way back, and we hadn't said more than five words to each other the whole time. I'd finished the cigarette Lord Sanzo had so graciously provided hours ago, and I was really itching to have another, but I knew it was too much to hope that I'd get one any time soon. By the time we reached the wall that encircled the village, I was feeling irritable and tired, and my broken ribs were hurting from the long walk. I didn't mention any of it to Sanzo. He'd just sneer at me. I couldn't even act like a mortal being around that guy, and it only made me hate him more.

One good thing about the trip, we didn't have to climb over the damn wall this time. There was a huge chunk of it missing, about half a mile wide, which was pretty impressive, and stones and shit were scattered around the base. "Looks like somebody was in a hurry to get out." I muttered, stepping through.

Sanzo grabbed my arm suddenly. Normally, being touched doesn't bother me, but I was sick of him, and I wasn't expecting it, and my arm was bruised and sore. I couldn't help snapping at him, "What the fuck?"  
"It _looks_ like they left, but some of them might still be around."

"I know that. I'm not an idiot."

"Could have fooled me." He let go and walked past me, dropping his cigarette and stomping it out; I saw that it was only half-way gone. I swear he must have done that on purpose.

"I really hate you." I muttered as I fell into step behind him.

The woods beyond the wall were messed up too. Trees had been knocked down-like literally knocked down-and now the trunks were broken off, like somebody had snapped a toothpick in half, the ground was torn up, grass uprooted and dirt churned so that there was more or less a ditch, also approximately half a mile wide, all the way from the wall to the edge of the village. The surrounding vegetation was charred or bent down or just otherwise destroyed.

"What the hell did they _do _here?" I asked, more to myself than to asshole Sanzo. How much was it to ask to just take the damn army and march out of town? They actually had to carve the place where they'd walked out of the earth?

"It's like Hazel said." Sanzo said, more to himself than to me, "They're purely destructive."

Not a thought to anyone in their path or anyone left behind. I glaned around the woods again, noticing just how quiet they were. I mean, I know it was night time, but still, I didn't hear so much as a cricket. It was like everything was dead. We were lucky not to be dead too, I guess, but it left me wondering what in the world we should do next. Sanzo wanted to keep right on trucking westward, no surprise there, but Ryptcore was probably going to follow us, right back to Houtou castle if he had to, and what were Feng and Lei and the others supposed to do now?

Lei was right, now that I thought about it. Even though I told her living in the real world wasn't so bad, I suddenly realized it was harder than I gave it credit for because after eleven years of it, I was just used to how things were. What was a kid like Deshi supposed to do? He'd seen some rough shit for his age with his brother dying and everything, but when he'd been living in this village for years, how was he supposed to adjust to the real world?

"It's fucked up." I muttered. A second later, I realized I'd said it out loud, and then, for no reason at all, I shivered, couldn't help looking over my shoulder, but no one was there.

We followed the path Ryptcore and his army had paved all the way back to the village, and I stopped cold when we got to the edge of the clearing. Shit, I didn't remember it being this bad. When Goku and I came out of the woods, sure stuff was torn down and almost everything was on fire, but _this_ was awful. There were still corpses littering the roads, lying on their own goddamn porches like they'd just come out to seen what the commotion was. Livestock was wandering loose. Most of the buildings in the main part of the town were burned to the ground, some still smoldering a little. The park was a desecrated section of ground, burned completely black, with ebony skeletons standing where the trees had once been. There were a lot of kids' bodies strewn around there, as if they'd been running for their one sanctuary when they were slaughtered. We crossed the stream, and it reeked; I looked down to see it was full of blood and corpses too.

Suddenly, I felt like I couldn't deal with this. This was too much. Why the fuck did I ever come back here? I knew it was gone. I didn't have to see it to know. Gone. Here this morning, now it was gone. All the kids I'd seen playing in the park yesterday—dead. All the chicks who'd looked me up and down or who I'd eye fucked out of the corner of my eye—mutilated. Feng's little army—massacred. Old Hu, Feng's wife who'd fed me three square meals yesterday, every single asshole half-breed who'd greeted me like a brother when I strolled into town. Evey single one of them was dead. Their village was more than just gone. It had been ripped apart, blown open, trampled, and left behind. The one thing they'd had…the one peace some of them had ever known…

It was too much. It was my fault, and that was too much blame to shoulder.

I nudged Sanzo dully, feeling almost as if I were walking in a dream, "Hey…can I get another cigarette off you?" Disgusting how normal my voice sounded, especially when I felt like I was rotting inside.

"No. I don't want to run out too."

"For fuck's sake, Sanzo, don't be such a cheap ass."

He gave me a mild glare, but it wasn't his standard, 'I hate everything about you' look, it was sort of this sly, knowing expression. There was an edge to his voice when he said, "Go find yours. That's why you came here, isn't it?"

"Yeah." I relented, scraping some hair back from my face, "Of course it is." Then I wandered away from him. I almost didn't care if I never saw him again. I almost wished I could just fade away into the smoke and the carnage and just forget about everything I'd ever known in my life.

Come to think of it, I could have been spared all this and a lot worse if Mom had just killed me when I was twelve years old.

"So technically, this's all your fault, Jien."

I stopped a little ways down the road to look around again, and to try to get my head together. _Don't start thinkin' that way, Gojyo. You're better than that. You're not pathetic._ God, how many years had it been since I'd had a thought like that in the first place?

_Years? It's probably been a few days at best, dumb ass._

I noticed I was standing where the school house used to be. Like everything else, it was shredded and burned, nothing more than a pile of black mulch now.

A long, long time passed, and I stared at it, thinking, not thinking, trying to get my mind around everything that was happening and how I fit into it all. Trying to understand why any of this should matter to me in the first place.

_ "At the very least, it's nicer for the children to grow up here than it is for them to roam the streets alone, subject to any form of abuse that might come their way…"_

Fuckin' Hakkai had his way of always hitting the nail right on the head. I didn't think he'd said that for the sake of musing about that kind of shit. I didn't think it was a coincidence he'd decided to say that to me, of all people.

"Fuck you." I snarled to myself, kept walking.

Eventually, I made it back to the shack I'd spent the last two nights in.

Lei offered to let me go home with her, of course. Actually, a lot of girls had. But I'd turned her, and everyone else down, not because I didn't want to get fucked, obviously, just something about the idea of looking into red eyes that mirrored my own all night long… Even with the lights off, I didn't think I could kiss a chick and run my hands through hair I knew was red as my blood, and have her clinging to me and moaning my name and all that normal stuff I loved…

No. I couldn't. I didn't even know how to explain why. It just seemed really, really…disgusting to me. After all, it was like that bitch Jade had said: people like us were supposed to hate life and be ashamed to exist in the first place, and I barely deserved to touch a full-blooded girl, to find my worth in blue or green or brown eyes; Two misfits who probably shouldn't have been born to begin with didn't deserve to even think about fucking each other.

_Too complicated._ I decided.

Feng offered to let me stay in his house too. Fuck if I know why. _'We have an extra room; if you want, you're welcome to stay here.' _But he'd said it in a very reluctant, forced, 'I'm really trying to be nice to you' tone that had me all but running for the door. I didn't need somebody forcing themselves to be nice to me. I wasn't pathetic, and I didn't need hand-outs or pity. I didn't need his wife smiling at me all sweet and sympathetic, like she understood my pain. I didn't want to sit down after dinner and shoot the shit and answer the 'where'd you get those scars, how come you smoke so much, what happened to _your_ parents?' bullshit kind of questions.

Sounded like an outright nightmare.

So Feng had told me I could sleep here, in what was apparently some abandoned house. Another pathetic, sad half-breed had lived there once, but I guess he/she decided they couldn't hack it anymore and went on their way. Like I should have.

Now the shack was just as gone as anything else. Not a scrap of wood was left, not a piece of furniture intact, and definitely not my fucking cigarettes.

"Fuck me."

I went back to Sanzo, who was rooting through some wreckage outside the town square. "Find anything?"

He didn't so much as look at me, "Not a thing."

"Go figure" I looked around at the razed village. Granted, there were a handful of sad, dilapidated buildings still standing, mostly on the edge of town where the fire had been blocked by something. I don't know. It didn't make sense how anything could survive, but it did figure that nothing we needed was left. What was he going to do without his gun, I wondered? But in the end, I'd rather not think about that. Sanzo was a tough son of a bitch: he'd find some other way to kill.

Sanzo straightened up again and took a long, soothing drag off his cigarette. Damn, I could really use one of those right now, "Let's get going. There's nothing here."

I didn't say anything, just took another long look around the charred town.

What a royal waste of time this had been. No cigarettes. No survivors. Just a lot of burned up shit and pain I could have gone without dealing with. What the fuck did I come back for?

"Did you hear me, Kappa? I said let's go."

"Right." I still didn't move. For some reason, I felt like I wasn't supposed to. Like maybe I just lie down and die right here, along with all the other half-breeds I'd gotten killed.

He sighed suddenly, "Hey, why don't you go be pathetic on someone else's time?"

I turned a disbelieving glare on him, "What the fuck did you just say?"

"You heard me. If you came here to stand and mope for a couple hours, I'm going back without you."

"So go." I snapped, "This's got nothing to do with you anyway."

"How like you. Your selfishness is painful."

His words made me think of what Hakkai said, "Yeah, well if I didn't think of me nobody else would."

"Do you honestly think all of this happened just because you were here? If you do, you're way more stupid than I thought."

"Hey-"

"This didn't happen because you were in here, Gojyo—the world doesn't work that way."

"Ryptcore followed you here, and _you_ followed _me."_

"_I_ was just going west. Ryptcore's been destroying every town he comes to from Houtou Castle to here, so for all we know, he would have destroyed the village even if we weren't here. Even if it was because we were here, so what? We're responsible for what we do. That bastard's demented crusade has nothing to do with us."

"What the hell's it got to do with you anyway? Last I checked you weren't speaking to me."

"Hn. Believe me, I'd rather not. But I'd like to continue our mission tomorrow, and if you're going to be a mopey kappa sap you'll just be in the way."

"Continue with the mission? Is that _really_ all you care about?"

"Is there something else I'm supposed to care about?" He glared. "What happened to these people had nothing to do with us, and whatever they do next doesn't either."

"Yeah, well I think we should at least-"

"We can't help them. What could we do for them? If _you_ want to go with them and do whatever for them then be my guest, but the rest of us are moving out tomorrow."

I didn't answer.

"You'll probably be of more use to them than to us anyway, seeing what a pain in the ass you've been lately."

"What makes you think I'd ditch you guys to go with them?" I really did feel pretty insulted by his attitude. Like I was some bastard who was going to take off at the drop of a hat, just whenever I felt like it.

"Don't play like I don't know. I heard what you told Hakkai."

I felt the need to lie to him. "I didn't tell Hakkai nothin'." There were a lot of things Hakkai knew about me that I'd never tell Sanzo because I didn't need the asshole dangling my dirty laundry above my head. Like this. And at the same time, it was annoying, because apparently all three of them had just assumed I was going to stay in the half-breed village. Even Goku had been suggesting it before we fought Ryptcore. Did they really think I'd do that?

Then again, I'd been seriously considering it.

"Whatever. Nobody's making you stay with us, Gojyo. If you're going to jump ship again you might as well hurry it up and get it over with."

He was starting to walk away, so I grabbed his shoulder, thinking about clocking him a good one. "Just where the fuck do you get off saying shit like that? Sure, I walked out on you guys once, but it was for a damn good reason."

"Good reason? You almost got us all killed, dumbass. I'm sick of you and your personal quests to protect anything that makes those scars on your face itch."

That was enough. I wasn't going to listen to one more word of his bullshit. I hauled off and hit him as hard as I possibly could. It wasn't even satisfying compared to what I'd like to do.

Sanzo stumbled back and fell on his ass, and I stood over him, fighting the urge to kick him when he was down, but I wasn't sure what the point of that restraint was now.

"What makes you think you can say whatever the fuck you feel like to me and just get away with it? Seriously, man? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"It's true though, isn't it?" He wiped the blood off his lips, and I was really surprised he wasn't jumping up and attacking me. "You went after Kami-sama because you saw yourself in Kinkaku, and it's the same with these people. They're all just as pathetically fucked up as you are and you can't stand to just walk out on them. Has it even occurred to you that you'll be miserable for the rest of your life if you stay with them?"

I froze just before hitting him again, "What?"

"You know I'm right. You're never going to be able to so much as smile again if every time you turn around you're seeing just another sad, shattered version of yourself. You could barely even stand to eat goddamn red apples when I met you, why in the world would you want to live with a group of downtrodden children of taboo?"

I stood there, thinking, fist still half-way cocked. "But…"

Hu's words came back to me, and suddenly they were just confusing as hell, and I could barely stand thinking about them.

"_Why else would you be running from the one thing that's ever made you feel like you belong? … Don't run away from the people who understand you best..."_

What in the world was he talking about? Was he just a senile old man?

Not like it mattered when he was dead now.

Sanzo was getting to his feet, "Don't get me wrong, I don't care about you, and I don't care what you do, but you're too stupid to see what's right in front of you, as usual, so I thought I might as well warn you. If you're looking for paradise in hanging around with these people, you're not going to find it."

I watched him go, feeling most of my anger and resentment melt away, thinking about what he said, wondering if it was the truth. "Sanzo…?"

He hesitated to look back at me.

"Nobody's happy. Right?"

"You're as dumb as you look, jumping to conclusions like that."

"So." I put my hands in my pockets, "_Y__ou_ happy?"

"I don't think that's any of your damn business."

"C'mon, Sanzo, throw me a bone here. I'm drownin'."

"So drown."

"Sanzo…I mean it…" I paused, sort of not wanting to believe that I was really asking _Sanzo_ for advice. "How do people get happy?"

That goddamn priest. He just shrugged, "All the usual pathetic nonsense, I guess."

Pathetic nonsense. I knew what he meant at least: friendship, love, sex, money. All the normal stuff people said made them happy.

"Don't delude yourself though. Happiness is just as inconsistent and fragile and transient as any other human emotion. And if you were happy all the time you wouldn't be able to appreciate it in the first place…or something like that." He sighed. "I'm not your babysitter, Gojyo. You've got to figure out your life by yourself, got that?"

I locked my hands behind my head, "Well. That's a relief. Babysitters are supposed to be sexy and feminine."

"You're disgusting."

I started to fire something back at him, stopped suddenly.

Behind me, I heard something, like wood and steel rubbing together slowly, and at first I thought it was just rubble shifting. Then there was more. This time it was more like a footstep. Another.

"Sanzo." I hissed.

He was standing perfectly still, watching over my shoulder. He nodded once to show he'd heard it too.

Shoulder to shoulder, we crouched down behind an old, blackened piece of concrete that must have been foundation for a building or something. Sanzo had his gun out even though he couldn't use it; I had no idea if it was for intimidation or out of reaction.

I summoned my shakujou, "Part of the army? What'dya' think?"

"I think you'd better shut your damn mouth."

Couldn't argue with that.

The footsteps were getting closer. They sounded precise and militaristic: moving forward, not wavering, careful and almost inaudible. Definitely some kind of soldier.

A few moments passed, and then they were just on the other side of our hiding spot. In a couple of seconds, they'd be in sight, and that was the time to attack.

My body went tense and I got ready to spring.

He stepped around the corner. I all but dropped my shakujou, and then my jaw too. "Ji-er…Dokugakuji!"

Him. Just standing there, cocky and calm and sure of himself. His eyes, looking back at me the way they always had, with that expression I couldn't describe and never really got. Love? Contempt? Fuck if I'd ever know. My brother, standing right there, not ten feet away. It had to be a dream or a hallucination or something.

"Heh. Sneak attack, Sha Gojyo?"

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I let the shakujou disappear and smirked at him, "You're just lucky I didn't waste your ass."

"Right, right. Of course I am."

Shit. On. A. Fucking. Stick. How in the hell was I supposed to talk to this asshole like I didn't know him? How was I supposed to treat him like he wasn't my brother? Like he was the goddamn enemy?

Sanzo kept his gun out. That was probably the smart thing to do—if Dokugakuji was here Kougaiji was definitely nearby. For once, the mouthy bastard didn't say a word.

"What the hell're you doin' here?" I demanded at last.

"What? Not happy to see me?"

Bastard. Who did he think he was saying that kind of shit? I decided to skip answering—it was just a mind fuck anyway, "How'd you even find out about this place?"

"Oh." He looked around like he'd forgotten where he was, "Actually I had no idea it existed until just a few minutes ago."

"Hn. Then you followed us here." Sanzo accused.

"Guess you could say that."

Whatever. I didn't care. I so didn't care. I didn't even want to think about caring. "Got any cigarettes?"

Jien…_Dokugakuji_ raised his eyebrow at me a little, "You haven't been without a pack of cigarettes since you were like six or something crazy."

"Ten, asshole. And what would you know about that?"

"Nothin'. I guess."

He didn't have any, obviously. He didn't smoke. I was just struggling to find something normal to say in this trippy, gruesome dream.

He was looking around again, "This is quite the place."

"It was nicer this morning." I interrupted, trying hard not to sound hurried.

"I meant…there're a lot of…" He stopped, thank-God. "What happened here anyway?"

"Arson." God I wanted a cigarette. Why didn't I have any? Why did I have to run out? Why did half my pack have to get crushed?

He looked me in the eyes, "Did you guys do this?"

Sanzo snorted, "As if we'd waste our time. I'm getting tired of this tedious, little reunion the two of you are having. What the hell are you doing here?"

He looked lost at that, like a deer in the headlights, and then he cleared his throat before finally admitting, "Looking for Gojyo."

This was not a dream. This was a nightmare, and I desperately needed to wake up. I couldn't face this bullshit right now. I couldn't even begin to think about dealing with this.

I cocked my eyebrow at him, "Me? Why?"  
"I came to warn you about something." His voice was deathly serious now. "I'm just glad I found you in time."

"Right." I double-checked my pockets for my cigarettes, but there really weren't any. There really, really weren't any. "So what's this big warning about?"

He glanced between the two of us, coming off like he was trying to warn us both, not just me. What a filthy liar. "An unnaturally powerful youkai has been unleashed from Houtou castle, and he's under orders to kill you and your company, Genjyo Sanzo. Unlike most of the assassins you've faced, this one can probably do it."

I laughed, "That so? Well ain't you sweet to warn us? But, we already know all about Ryptcore and his crazy-ass army, so you wasted your time, Dokugaku."

What a dumb-fuck name. Who picks a name like that anyway?

He looked a bit stunned at that, "You do know?"

"Some other well-meaning jackass already warned us." Sanzo muttered.

"And he did it in time." I added.

"Then Ryptcore is dead?"

Sanzo and I exchanged glances, "No. Not yet."

"But you ran into him?"

"Bumped into him last night." I told him casually, "What a great guy he is too—really knows how to treat a girl, eh, Sanzo?"

Sanzo glared daggers at me. I think he would have hit me in the ribs if Jie-_Dokugakuji_ hadn't been there.

"Anyway, we already know about him, so you're wasting your time. We'll have that bastard begging for mercy by this time tomorrow."

He shook his head, "Either you guys are stupid, or you have no idea what you're talking about. Ryptcore's not normal—he's been genetically altered to be the best. To be more powerful than anything you can imagine. Just unleashing him was likely a mistake no one can ever take back. Hell, the revival's the least of your problems now: that maniac will destroy the whole world."

"I don't give a shit about the world." Sanzo said calmly. "But if Ryptcore makes the mistake of messing with me again, I won't hesitate to kill him."

"You didn't really come all the way back here to tell us that pile of shit, did you?" I asked roughly.

"No." He raised his voice, sounding almost fierce for just a split second, "Kou and I came back to stop him. It's no good reviving Gyumaoh or taking this world back for youkai, or anything else, as long as Ryptcore's alive. He's killing humans and youkai alike, and no one stands a chance—it isn't right. So we came to find you and help you stop him."

A moment of silence passed between the three of us, then Sanzo snorted, "Gojyo's right, you _are_ sweet. But this was still a waste of your time."

"San-"

"We don't need your help, or the help of Kougaiji, or any other dumbass youkai who feels it's their place to get involved in our affairs. So I suggest you go home and put your feet up—in case you forgot, we're the ones who are out to save the world."

"Or something like that." I muttered.

He glared at Sanzo, "That does it: you're stupid. From the look of you two, your night with Ryptcore was rough, and you _still_ think you can deal with him by yourselves? Look, I ain't doing this for me." That was aimed right at me, pointedly and blatantly, "Kou was the one who wanted to try to set our differences aside to defeat that whacko. Kou's the one who wanted to join forces with you."

I narrowed my eyes at him, asked twice as pointedly, but with a touch more subtlty, "Then why'd he send you?"

There wasn't an answer for that, so he didn't bother trying to make one up.

Sanzo cut in anyway, sighing and saying languidly, "I'm not sure what it is with people suddenly wanting to join us."

"The Sanzo trend must be catching on." I supplied.

"It's annoying."

"I couldn't agree more."

"No help for it, I guess." He said it, but he sounded massively irritated, like he shouldn't even have to put up with this kind of nonsense, "I'd say we're done here. Let's get back to the others."

"Yes Sir, Master Sanzo."

Dokugaku stared at us blankly, "The others? They're alive?"

I couldn't help giving him a 'now really' kind of look, "The two strongest members of our team? Duh."

Sanzo was already stalking away. I lingered just for a second. Part of me almost felt like I should say something—what, I don't know—but nothing came to mind. Not a thing. There was so much… With the dead half-breeds around me and the craziness that was following my friends and I, and all the rotting, awful dreams and memories and thoughts in my head, I should have been able to think of something to say. Especially to my older brother.

But no. This guy wasn't my brother. Not anymore.

When I'd been standing there a couple seconds longer than I should have, he asked quietly, "You're really going with him?"  
"Why wouldn't I?"

"Because. You're going to get yourself killed, Gojyo. All four of you are."

"What the hell difference does it make to you? We're enemies, remember?"

He shook his head again, something tired and old in his eyes. How old was he anyway? Jien was eighteen when he took off. That was over ten years ago. Could he really be almost thirty?

Suddenly, he took a short step closer so we were face to face, and he was towering over me again, making me feel like I was eight years old again, standing in the shadow of the big brother I could never dream to be like. He looked me in the eyes, not so much of a glimmer of a joke in his expression, just a world of regret no one else could see, "You and I are _not_ enemies, Gojyo."

What the hell could I say to that? I didn't understand his regrets any better than anyone else could. Kill your mother to save your brother and then just walk out on him? Pretty fucked up. Maybe more fucked up than having your mom try to kill you and getting walked out on by your brother.

Shit. I didn't want to think about this. Shit. I didn't want to deal with any of it. Things were so much easier when I didn't have to deal with this. Maybe if I had a cigarette it wouldn't be so bad. Things were so much easier to deal with when I had a cigarette.

He went on, voice even quieter, like maybe he thought he was getting through to me, "I came all the way back here to warn you. To help you."

That did it. No more of this shit for me.  
I smiled at him, spoke bitterly, "You wanna' help me, _Dokugakuji?"_

His gaze was unwavering, drenched in the most disgusting kind of sentimental sincerity.

"You're ten years behind schedule."

He didn't answer me.

I had nothing more to say.

So I followed Sanzo back to camp.


	12. Chapter 12

**I'm sorry this is a little short—more will follow soon though. Probably.**

**Goku**

I woke up with the stars above me and the cold ground under me and weird feeling inside me. I sat up and looked around the camp. The half-bloods looked like they were asleep, except for Feng. He was sitting up, sharpening a long knife and staring out into the dark. They were a ways away from us; when we'd gone to sit around their fire with 'em, most of them had acted like we weren't welcome, so we'd built our own fire. Now it was going out.

Hakkai was sitting across from me, Jeep curled up in his lap.

Our eyes met.

I rubbed mine. "Nn. It ain't breakfast time yet?"

"I'm afraid it won't be time for breakfast for several more hours, Goku."

I looked around again, "Sanzo an' Gojyo ain't back yet?"

"Unfortunately no. However, it would take them several hours to walk there, and the same amount of time to walk back, so I don't believe the fact that they haven't returned yet is any indication that they're in trouble."

They could be though. That crazy ass was out there somewhere, Sanzo didn't have bullets for his gun, an' Gojyo was hurt still. They could be in big trouble. I thought about how much they'd been fighting lately. Now they were probably more on edge than ever.

"Maybe they killed each other."

Hakkai laughed at that, but it didn't sound normal. "It's entirely possible."

"What'dya' think's gonna' happen, Hakkai?"

"I wish I knew." He stroked Jeep's head.

At least he didn't lie to me an' say we were gonna' keep going west and deal with Ryptcore the next time he attacked us. He sounded serious and nervous.

I got up, stretching and listening to my stomach growl, "Guess I'll get some firewood."

"Very well. Please don't go too far, and be careful."

I smiled at him, "M'kay."

He didn't smile back at me. I thought that was weird for Hakkai, since he was almost always smiling. He had a lot to worry about, I guess. He was really taking what he'd done without his limiter hard…or else he was really worried about everything that was happening. Maybe he was thinking about Jade. I hadn't seen her since we came out here and made camp though, so maybe she was gone for good. I still didn't quite get what she wanted with Hakkai in the first place. Would she give up that easy? She wanted to…have sex with him…or whatever. I guess. But was that really worth chasing him everywhere for? He told her no already. Why didn't she just give up on him? Hakkai didn't want to be with her.

I thought about how he'd taken his limiter off the other night and wondered if she had something to do with that. I didn't see how she could. Sanzo had been there. Wouldn't he have said something if she was there too?

It was a lot to think about.

I walked around the camp a while, picking up sticks and breaking off dead branches, but I kept the campfire in sight, just in case. I also kept my eyes open for Sanzo and Gojyo, hoping they'd be back soon. Maybe being out there together somewhere was good for 'em. Maybe they'd make up and come back as friends.

Sanzo and Gojyo had never been friends—not really anyway—not from the moment Sanzo knocked on Gojyo's front door, askin' about Hakkai. Sometimes I wondered if they just got off on the wrong foot. Like if they met somewhere else…like at a dinner table or somethin'…then maybe they'd be friends too. That would be cool, I thought.

I heard a branch snap in the woods. "Hakkai?"

The light of our little fire was barely lighting up the forest. I could see Hakkai's shadow, still sitting there.

Someone behind me laughed.

"Gojyo? You tryin' ta' scare me?" I growled, spinning around, ready to hit him with a stick.

It wasn't Gojyo.

Ryptcore had totally snuck up on me. I couldn't believe it—he was standing right there, like three feet away, his cold, red eyes glimmering. I could see his teeth: he was smiling. It was creepy as hell.

With a yelp, I jumped back, dropping the firewood.

He swung at me; I was just far enough away that the blow clipped my chin, and I almost lost my balance and fell into a bush. He didn't wait for me to catch myself either. He was coming at me again, with his claws this time, laughing hysterically as he tried to rip me open.

"You psycho!" I darted away, ducked under his swing and punched him in the stomach, but just like before, it was like hitting a wall, and I felt my wrist buckle. "Crap…"

He clocked me good. I did sommersalts and landed in a heap at the base of a tree. His booming, crazy laughter filled my head.

"You jerk." I forced myself to get up, wiping at my lips and distancing myself from him. He was coming for me, that insane grin all over his face, but I was ready for him. I jumped up, sprang off his shoulders to land behind his back, kicked him as hard as I could in the lower back.

Just like before, my attacks weren't doing anything. For whatever reason, direct attacks didn't faze him, and that made me pretty much helpless.

No way I was giving up to this ugly bastard though. No way I was gonna' just lie down and let him trash me. I'd die fighting him, if I had to. I summoned my bo and went at him again, swung once at the side of his head, down at the top of his skull, and forward, aiming to smash his face in.

Ryptcore blocked all three of my lightning-quick attacks like it was nothing. Like I was just a bee buzzing around his face, and then he hit me hard, an uppercut to the chin that had me flying straight up in the air. It was almost cool, flying straight up like that, almost to the top of the trees. Except that there was this terrible pain in my jaw and forehead. I landed rough, wind knocked outta' me, laid there coughing and wheezing and sputtering through blood. Dang. He was so strong. How'd a guy get so crazy strong? Normally, I like fighting crazy strong people, but this guy was…a monster. Really a monster.

Ryptcore laughed like he was at the carnival or something and raised his heel to stomp on my head.

I was up and away, twirling my bo and backflipping and trying one last time to break his head open. This time, he let me hit him—I knew he let me, because the psycho just stood there and grinned when I was attacking him—and a skull-shattering crack echoed around the woods, bouncing off the trees. He staggered back, and there was blood running from his ears, but the smile wasn't gone. It didn't look like he was in pain.

Crazy. Just crazy. I backed down, tryin' to figure out what to do next. It would be nice to have Hakkai's help right about now-maybe his chi could do something against this nutbar—but I didn't want to lead Ryptcore back to camp: he'd kill what was left of the half-breeds, and that would make me, and probably Gojyo too, really, really sad.

_No givin' up…_

Direct attacks didn't work. I wondered if I could defeat him without my limiter, but that was a thought I pushed away as soon as I had it. Nothing was worth that.

"I ain't givin' up." I told him.

He chuckled, "Maybe you should, Son Goku. You don't stand a chance against me."

At least this time he didn't have that weird, creepy army of his with him. Not that they'd done much last time, but I guess it was just nice that we were fighting one on one like this.

Nice except that in another ten seconds I was gonna' be dead.

With all my strength, I attacked him. I hit him hard in the stomach, forcing him back, and he coughed. I went for his chest next, kicking him square in the breast plate. His armor probably kept it from hurting him, but at least I knocked him into the tree right behind him.

Maybe this nutjob couldn't even feel pain. Maybe that was something they'd changed about him in the science lab or whatever.

That meant bashing him to pieces and busting his bones wouldn't do anything against him; I remembered how Feng had been able to cut him with his sword. I bet losing a limb would slow the ass face down.

I gripped nyoi bo a little tighter.

Now I had a goal at least. Look for some way to rip off his arm or something. Cut it off. Bust it off. Whatever it took. Hopefully in the meantime Hakkai would realize what was happening and come help me. I hated to think it, but maybe Hakkai could take his limiter off without going crazy and wipe this guy out. I mean, Ryptcore was tough, but it was hard to imagine anybody being tougher than Hakkai and me without our limiters.

"Here I come." I spat, sprang at him bo raised high to smack him in the face.

When I was just in front of him, instants from swinging, Ryptcore suddenly caught me around the waist, laughing, swung me around and around.

I screamed, thinking he would slam me against a tree.

Instead, he just let me go, threw me so I crashed and broke through tree branches, and landed with a skid back in the clearing, dizzy and bruised and scraped. Blood was running down my head and my arm, and my clothes were all dusty.

Hakkai was sitting just a few feet away, staring at me with big eyes, "Goku?"

The half-breeds were staring from around their fire too.

I didn't have a second to think about any of it.

Just in time, I jumped up and scrambled out of the way, right before Ryptcore landed where I'd been lying, still laughing like this was the best time he'd ever had.

Hakkai was on his feet too, caught my arm and steadied me as I tried to get a hold of myself. "Well." His voice was dark, "I take it this is Ryptcore."

"He's crazy, Hakkai." I panted. "Nuts. It's like he don't feel pain…"

"I see."

Ryptcore stood there and smiled at us, all creepy-looking in the firelight, "So, you're Cho Hakkai, the youkai slayer? You're prettier than I pictured."

"I suppose we can't all be giant, rabid brutes." Hakkai was smiling, but he looked cautious and tired. "Goku, I suggest we attack him together and hope the other two arrive shortly."

That didn't sound good. Hakkai wasn't all confident and 'we can take this jerk' like I wanted him to be. And what was with having to fight this maniac with only two of us all the time? Just once I'd like to see how he liked fighting all four of us.

Teamwork wasn't something we did a lot. It wasn't something any of us enjoyed. But at least working together I knew we'd get the job done. Probably.

"Direct attacks don't do nothin'." I nodded. "I think ya' should try an' blast 'im away."

"That I will."

With that, I jumped to the side, and Hakkai jumped to the other, just as Ryptcore charged again. I twisted to the side to avoid getting my arm torn off, and swiped at his head again, more to distract him than anything. Hopefully Hakkai would take the opportunity to-

I messed up. I swiped at his head, meaning to either hit him and back off, or miss and swing again and then back off, but that didn't happen. Ryptcore caught my attack before I could hit him, all but wrenched the bo out of my hands and grabbed me by the collar. He jerked me forward and swung me around, my feet dragging across the ground.

"Goku!" Hakkai yelled, "Move!"

But I couldn't. He had me. There was no moving, no ducking, no pulling away.

I saw him cock back, watched his huge fist come right at me. I felt the blow hit, right at the top of my forehead, and then pain slashed through my face and my skull. I heard a crack and the jingle of scattering metal as my diadem shattered, and then there was a bright flash of light. That was the last thing I remembered.

**Hakkai**

Horrified, I watched as Ryptcore's fist met Goku's face. It must have been one tremendously powerful blow too, because the diadem flew apart on impact.

"No!" I had to shield my eyes momentarily from the sudden flare of unholy light that followed, but I didn't need to be able to see to know what was happening. I heard Goku's familiar voice screaming and gradually giving way to snarling and growling, and eventually becoming hideous, cruel laughter. When I looked again, he was already in that terrible form, standing at the ready, with some unnatural wind blowing through his hair and cape and an awful smile marring his face.

"Oh no." I murmured, taking a step away from him.

This was so bad. This might very well be the worst thing that could possibly happen. The half-breeds were all awake now, all on their feet, watching us, Feng standing out in front like he thought he could protect them. None of them understood what was happening. Ryptcore was standing back too, looking more curious than concerned. Sanzo was heavens know where, he might not be back for hours still; this time, not even Gojyo was here to help me try to get the diadem back on him. Essentially, I was facing two impossibly strong enemies, and I doubted very much that I had any hope of surviving, let alone protecting the hanyou remnants. As I was now, anyway…

Goku surveyed us all, his golden eyes hard and pitiless. He scanned me momentarily, and I couldn't help but wonder if he had any idea who I was. He looked at the half-breeds like they were just a herd of sheep, ripe for the slaughter. Lastly, he looked at Ryptcore, and his smile grew. Ah, yes, now there was an enemy worthy of fighting. There was a challenge.

Actually, I doubted Ryptcore could even begin to challenge the Seiten Taisei.

Nevertheless, he was laughing and gloating, "So, this is the true form of Son Goku, is it? How sad—even now, you're no more than a simpering little boy."

Goku didn't seem to acknowledge him in the least; I had often wondered if he was incapable of understanding speech in this form, or, far more likely, if he simply didn't care whatsoever about anything anyone said.

"What's happening?" Feng demanded, holding his sword out in a trembling hand, "What was that light?"

I kept both eyes on Goku, "I suggest you all leave now. This has just become very dangerous."

None of them moved. Foolish. I didn't have time to concern myself with them, not in this crucial moment. I fingered my own limiter… But no. That would only add to the chaos.

Ryptcore raised his arm suddenly, stretched and flexed his muscle, grinning all the while, "I will prove to the world who is the most powerful." With that, he swung, a sudden blur of bright, long claws, which didn't so much as rustle Goku's garments as he sprang straight up into the air. For a moment, he was a silouhette against the moon, and then he landed lightly behind Ryptcore, ran away from him, heading straight for the half-breeds.

"Goku!" I cried, chasing after him, even knowing it was futile.

Feng saw him coming and made ready to defend, "Don't cross me, you little-"

Goku hit him hard, kicked him in the chin and sent him flying back, and just kept running. He bounced off Feng's chest with a horrible snap, and flew at the next hanyou, a woman in her thirties, and before she could so much as scream, he'd torn her limb from limb and was already attacking the next, and then the next. He killed three before I could even reach him.

"Goku!" I summoned some chi and prepared to fire. At the very least, maybe I could distract him until—

Ryptcore ran up along side me, slammed hard against me, knocking me into the bushes.

I was only lying there dazed for a couple of seconds, but when I looked up, two more half-breeds had been slaughtered, the remaining five were running and screaming, and Ryptcore and Goku were going head to head. In awe, I watched them batter each other back, ripping into one another and exchanging blow for blow in a violent maelstrom of white teeth and flashing eyes. The sight and smell of blood was overwhelming. My heart began to pound.

Who would win? For the time being, they seemed evenly matched, but I could see that Goku's techniques were stronger and smoother, and he had no trouble blocking or dodging or even taking a blow; his recovery time was flawless. That smile was always on his face.

Ryptcore had stopped smiling; already he looked frustrated, attacking almost without thought, taking hits he likely could have dodged just to move in a little closer. Goku ripped his arm open, but he only roared and kept fighting all the more fiercely.

Still, I'd be foolish to think I could let them fight this out and things would be all right. Their battle might last for hours, but in the end, whether or not Goku won, I would still have to fight the survivor.

I heart some whimpering off to the side, looked up to see a young hybrid woman crouching in the bushes and holding herself. There was a little blood splattered across the front of her dress, but I thought it was probably the blood of her friends who Goku had slaughtered.

"Are you all right, Miss?" I got to my feet and went to offer her my hand.

She didn't move. Her mouth was hanging open, lips quivering, eyes fixed on Goku and Ryptcore.

"Please, you must get a hold of yourself." I touched her shoulder, but she flinched away.

With a sigh, I knelt next to her, laying my hand gently on her arm, "What's your name?"

Her gaze flickered, and then she stammered, "L-Lei…"  
"Lei. I'm sorry to ask this of you, but I need your help."

No answer. She looked as if she were going to faint.

I kept my voice firm, trying to ground her to reality, "Do you know the way back to your village from here?"

A weak nod was my only reply.

"Then you must go at once and find my other two companions, Sanzo and Gojyo."

For the first time, she met my gaze, and her look hardened, "Why? W-why should I do anything…for you?"

I suppose I couldn't blame her for feeling that way, but I didn't have time to apologize and try to ease her bitterness. I said as patiently as I could, "Because otherwise, all of us will die." I wasn't sure that would be enough. So many of her friends were already dead, I wasn't sure anything would be enough to convince her to trust me…but then she slowly got to her feet, nearly fell again.

I supported her as best I could, although she insistently resisted my touch.

"Y-your friends…you're sure…they can stop them?"

"Yes. I know it. Please hurry; I'd go myself, but I must stay and do what little I can."

With another nod, she picked up her skirts, stumbling a little, turned and vanished into the woods.

I couldn't even afford to watch after her. Jeep fluttered down to perch on my shoulder, cheeping and crooning, and I did my best to still my heart, to summon the courage and the will to do what I had to do. "Please, Jeep. Go with her."

My dragon stared me in the face a moment before bobbing his head, flapping his wings, and launching off again with a shrill cry. He flew after Lei and disappeared into the night.

Ahead of me, the fight was still raging on. Ryptcore and Goku both had blood streaming down their faces and arms and chests. Their clothing was ripped and their claws and teeth were dipped in red. I watched in amazement as Goku knocked Ryptcore flat on his back and tore into his chest, causing a thick spray of crimson to splatter around him.

If I waited long enough, Goku might be able to kill Ryptcore, and then I'd only have to deal with the Seiten Taisei…

I smiled to myself, in spite of the situation. _Only have to deal with the Seiten Taisei…_

Ryptcore got to his feet; he was laughing again and breathing hard and bleeding all over, thick drops of blood landing on the ground around him, "You're stronger than you look, boy…but you're certainly not impervious to pain; and of course you still have your loyalty and your love and your heart to weigh you down. So suppose I kill your friend, and we'll see how well you fair."

I stood firm, watching Ryptcore warily, ready to fight.

Goku just laughed hysterically.

They were both laughing, laughing like madmen, as if they weren't fighting in a deathmatch at all. It was almost too much insanity for me.

Regardless, Ryptcore took a step toward me, still laughing. I watched him come, arm cocked and claws ready, knowing I'd only have one chance to jump out of the way before—

He hit me hard. I didn't even see it coming; I was all prepared to move, and then out of nowhere, I was on my face in the dirt again, head aching fiercely. It took me a moment to get my bearings, and even then I had a hard time pushing myself up. As soon as I'd lifted my face out of the dust, he struck again, hitting me square in the mouth and knocking me back against a tree.

So fast. So fast and so strong. Stronger and faster than I imagined he'd be. Relentless too. He was coming at me again, lauhing insanely.

I made myself get up, no time to think about the pain, barely managed to block his next attack. It was a wonder it didn't snap my arm. I threw a punch at him, but he caught it and flung me to the side like a doll, and I skid across the ground, scraping my face and my hands, jumped up again just in time to avoid being crushed. He slapped my face, claws nicking my jaw and I felt hot blood start to run down my neck. I feinted back, evaded a jab at my stomach, and attacked with my chi; the warm halo of yellow went straight for his head, but he swatted it away like it was no more than a fly, grinned viciously at me.

"It's no use, Cho Hakkai. You're doomed."

It looked like that might actually be the case. I was already panting and bleeding, my head was throbbing and my whole body seemed to be bruised. Goku was standing off on the sidelines for now—but I knew he wouldn't be there very long before he got bored and attacked again—and Sanzo and Gojyo still hadn't returned. It was far too much to hope that the few remaining half-bloods could help me.

I ran at Ryptcore with all my might and threw myself against him, burying my fist in his gut, but what Goku had said about direct attacks not working was true. My fist may as well have bounced off.

If I had a chance to create a chi attack powerful enough, I might be able to injure him at least, but I'd need to create a diversion, which was quite impossible on my own. Suddenly I wished I hadn't sent Jeep away.

Ryptcore kneed me in the stomach, knocking the wind out of me. I spat up some blood and crumpled to the ground, clutching my gut and straining to breathe. I didn't have time to lay there. I didn't have time to worry about the pain. I couldn't block it out. It was too much. I felt as if my very stomach was rupturing.

Laughter booming around my head, Ryptcore stood over me and nudged me with his boot, "Are you down already? Even the Sanzo priest fared better than this, _youkai slayer_."

Furiously, I sprang up, flung as powerful an attack as I could muster at him. It was just enough to knock him back; I raised my hands over my head, summoning as much chi as I could, as quickly as possible, and sent that his way as well, just as he was recovering from my blow. The chi engulfed him utterly; it was large enough to swallow his body up and hide it in the blinding light, and I heard him screaming in agony, watched nervously as the light died away.

Ryptcore didn't look half as hurt as he did angry. He was smoking a little, and there were burn marks on his face and clothes, but he was fine.

"No…" I nearly collapsed. That had been a monstrous chi attack, it had taken a lot of concentration and a lot of energy, and still it hadn't been enough.

_What…what should I…do?_

I couldn't hold him off forever. Sanzo and Gojyo still weren't back—they might not come back at all. Soon, Goku was going to get bored. He was going to attack again: Ryptcore or the half-breeds, or me for all I knew. These two might wind up tag teaming me simply because they were brutal and violent and blood thirsty.

Ryptcore kicked me in the face. I flew up. I fell down. I landed hard and sprawled there, writhing in pain and cursing.

"Don't just lie there. Do something!" One of the half-breeds shouted.

I climbed to my feet, head spinning, struggling to keep my balance.

Ryptcore hit me in the back and I went down again, in more pain than ever. He was going to kill me if I didn't do something. He was going to murder me right here, right now.

I rolled up again, this time managed to dive to the side before his claws sawed me open, lost my balance, nearly stumbled, and leaned hard against a tree, breathing heavily and watching him march toward me, laughing and smiling and gloating.

Goku was laughing again too. If only he were normal. If only he could help.

"Goku…" I choked, but I knew he didn't understand. I knew he didn't care.

There was a whisper and a rustle behind me. "Sanzo?"

I turned to see Jade emerge from the trees, green eyes glowing. She looked mildly at Ryptcore and Goku before looking at me, "What are you doing?"

I was truly believing now that not another thing could possibly go wrong. "What does it look like I'm doing?" I growled. I couldn't help being rude when I felt this angry and helpless.

"You're letting him destroy you."

Ryptcore guffawed suddenly, "Little girl, little girl. I warned you, did I not? Stand against me, and you will perish."

He attacked, fists flashing.

I went one way, Jade went the other, both of us narrowly avoiding another vicious, felling blow. I took a swipe at him, as did she, and then we were together again, just like that, crouching in the bushes.

"You know, I didn't ask for your assistance." I hissed.

"You'll get yourself killed this way, love. Ryptcore is far from ordinary."

"Well, what do you suggest I do then?" I snapped.

"You as well are not ordinary…" She had to stop when he charged us again.

I ducked under him, kicking him in the stomach.

It was enough to slow him down a few moments, and we converged again as he stood coughing and wheezing.

"You're not ordinary, I know." Jade smiled, "But you must face him as a youkai."

"No." I shook my head at once. "I can't do that. It would be disastrous."

"It's already disastrous." She answered, wiping a thread of blood from my mouth. "Even I cannot stand up to Ryptcore on my own, nor can you, but together, as two youkai, we will taste his heart."

"You're wrong." I snorted, watching warily as he began to make his way toward us. Didn't this creature feel pain? Goku had all but ripped his stomach open, and still he was just attacking and attacking and attacking. "If I do that…I'll only be contributing to the problem."

"Perhaps." She tapped one of my limiter cuffs, "But at the very least you will survive."

That at least was true. And in this fight, surviving looked to be the only thing that mattered.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Goku was moving again; he must have gotten bored, because he was floating in our direction as well, smiling brightly. I could nearly hear him. _I'm hungry. Let's eat._

"Oh…Goku…"

"Stop wasting time." Jade hissed. "We'll never be able to defeat them both at once."

Unfortunately, she was right. If Goku attacked right now it would all be over. Even if Gojyo and Sanzo came back, they'd probably get killed too. I needed their help, and they would need mine. So I had to stay alive. I had to hope I didn't lose my mind and start rampaging as well.

I touched my limiter again. Wasn't that what I wanted anyway? Freedom to shed blood and to fight? Freedom to just be a youkai?

_Nothing is more important than simply staying alive. I must survive._

"It's not as if I have a choice." I admitted.

I snapped them off, one, two, three.

Immediately I felt the transformation change and the violence take hold, and then I could feel the strength flooding up from inside me, burning through me like molten lava. In a matter of seconds, all my uncertainties slipped away, and only my strength remained.

"Oh-ho what's this?" Ryptcore laughed. "You're going to face me as a youkai, I see, not as the youkai slayer."

"I am both." I informed him coldly. I'd never felt such calm before, and now when I looked at him, I didn't see an unstoppable force. I saw an opponent and a challenge. I looked at Goku, who had paused a few feet away, looking me over as if he were trying to make sense of what he was seeing and sensing, and in him, I saw just another fight. Just another enemy.

Beside me, my only ally quivered with anticipation and pleasure, her husky voice singing beside my ear, "Very good, my love. Now, let's spread this blood across the world."

In the same instant, we launched forward, hit Ryptcore hard. I kicked him square in the chest, and Jade drew her sword, attacked with a swift, violent swing of metal that just barely missed. I swiped at him, felt my claws clip his arm. Jade spun around, hair flying in a sweeping, black cyclone, sliced into Ryptcore's chest, and blood sprayed. Smiling, I punched him in the jaw, watched as he swayed far to the side, like a toppling tree.

"The Sage." Jade warned tersely.

Goku sprang in from behind me, clawing at me first with one hand, then with the other. I managed to duck the first and block the next, but his razor-sharp nails cut into my wrist and blood started flowing immediately. He just smiled when he saw it and attacked again, kicking at me.

I jumped up to avoid the attack, and Jade stabbed at Goku with her blade. He was fast, turned to the side and the edge of the sword flowed by, cutting a rip in his shirt and nothing more. Ryptcoe snagged my ankle out of the air and swung me around, knocked me into Goku and we went flying across the clearing, righting ourselves before we even touched the ground. I flung a chi blast at him as soon as I was safely planted on the earth again. He did a quick backflip, a three-sixty and a little hop so my attack completely missed, kicked Jade under the chin in the same moment, and she went careening into the sky.

No time to worry about her. Ryptcore was coming at me from behind. He did his best to gore me with his claws. I jumped to the side, and his claws almost gutted Goku instead. Goku dove under the bloody claws and went right for Ryptcore's face, tore into his cheek and darted away. Jade landed lightly on Ryptcore's shoulder and sprang off it, chasing after Goku. The momentum of her take-off sent Ryptcore stumbling forward, but he kept balance and control, swung a powerful punch at me. I was caught a bit off guard and had to take it, pushed the dizzy feeling away and returned the blow two-fold: once in the gut and once in the forehead, managed to knock him back just as Goku was coming at me again, grinning from ear to ear, claws splayed and ready to tear into me.

It was absolute madness. One moment Jade was beside me, fighting shoulder to shoulder with me, and then she was out of sight. Goku's attacks rained down hard upon me, lightning quick and full of raw, unholy power, so consistent and so fluid, it was all I could do to keep up. Before I was even done fighting him off, Ryptcore was on the other side of me, attacking just as strongly and just as quickly, grinning just as psychotically. I warded them both off for as long as I could, and just when I felt I couldn't go on for another moment, Jade was back, slicing Ryptcore across the back with the tip of her sword and attacking Goku with her chi at the same time.

I ducked down. She jumped over me, sword flashing milk white in the moonlight, glancing off Goku's claws. I heard them both snapping and snarling and taunting each other; Goku's laughter seemed like it would never end. Ryptcore's pain didn't put him off for more than a second. I heaved more chi at him. He took it right in the torso, acted like it was nothing, but I could see how much it had hurt. He grabbed a fistful of Jade's hair, caught the front of my shirt, slammed the three of us together, sandwhiching Goku between the two of us. All three of us collapsed in a heap, yelping from surprise and discomfort. All three of us were up not a split second later. All three of us went at him with claws and teeth and steel and raw energy.

An agonized howl ang through the woods and I saw that Jade had run her sword through Goku's stomach somewhere in the pandemonium. Rypcore took the opportunity to slice across his arm.

Goku rolled out of the way, just before either of them managed to finish him off, threw his head back with an angry, commanding shout, and I saw chi flowing up out of the earth, flowing up his limbs and into him, and just like that, the wounds were healed. Just another difficulty of facing the Seiten Taisei.

The scent of blood was all around us now, saturating the air. Ryptcore tore into my side. Jade jumped on him and bit into his neck, doing her best to rip out his throat with her teeth and nothing more. He threw her off, directly into Goku's arms. He slashed her straight down the arm. Blood. Blood. Blood. It was everywhere. It was making me crazy, making me smile.

All around, the night was dark and the air was cool. That delicious smell was covering everything. I grinned to myself as I carved a long laceration down Ryptcore's chest, and then another and another. Jade and I jumped on him at the same time and actually managed to bring him to the ground. We were on him for a few moments, sitting astride him, both of us going at him with our claws, ripping up hunks of flesh and seeing fresh blood pool. I was caught in it. That sight. That smell. I felt…liberated. I lifted my hands to taste it on my claws and I felt wild.

Enemies and friends. Friends and enemies. The golden eyes of the Seiten Taisei were glowing as he joined us. Just another youkai born to fight and kill. The green eyes of the woman beside me…they were fantastically gorgeous and dangerous, beautifully violent and alluring. I saw her grinning, bright red staining white teeth. It was on me too. Soaking me. Warming my skin. The Seiten Taisei was laughing. Why not? I wanted to laugh too. This was what it meant to be a youkai. This was what it meant to be alive.

When Ryptcore managed to throw us all off, he was bleeding badly and moving slowly. Our prey. He was weakened now. The three of us could take him down. The three of us could kill him easily. Then I'd finish the Seiten Taisei and the woman as well. I would be the victor. I was the most powerful. I would devour what was left of the half-bloods. I would devour all the humans I came across. I would devour the entire world in a snap of gnashing, bloodied teeth.

Ryptcore knocked me in the head, but it was nothing. I hardly felt the pain. It was just another part of being alive. Alive and strong and fierce and full of the will to fight. I watched as Goku bit him in the shoulder and more blood gushed down his chest. He wasn't even screaming now. He was smiling too. He knew this was the reality of life. He knew this was the way we youkai lived and died. There was nothing more precious than this will to fight. Nothing more sacred than this unearthly violence.

I wanted it to exend past this night and into forever.


	13. Chapter 13

**I'm slowly making my way toward pulling this crazy thing together… Thanks for the support.**

**Sanzo**

Neither of us said a word after we left the village; I didn't know what Gojyo was thinking, and I didn't care. I was just tired and annoyed. We'd gone all the way back only to find there was nothing left that could help us, we'd split up from the other two, left ourselves exposed, and gained nothing from it. The night was still, but I was sure I could hear someone coming up from behind. I could smell the putrid reek of rotting flesh still filling the air. It made me feel sick and my head throbbed. I only had one pack of Marlboro Reds left, who knew when I'd get a chance to buy more? I knew I needed to take my time with what I had, but I couldn't stop smoking one after another, and I couldn't stop brooding. What now? I didn't have my gun, more or less. I knew other ways to fight, but I wasn't a youkai. Skilled as I was, I knew I'd have a rough time fighting Ryptcore without any bullets to shoot him with.

Not that I was worried. That bastard would never kill me, not in a million years.

So what if he did have hideously awesome strength? As much as it pained me to admit it, I knew Gojyo was right: it didn't make sense that Ryptcore had been able to put him down in the blink of an eye but couldn't do the same thing to Goku and I. He _could_. He just hadn't. He'd been having fun, enjoying the fight and the thrill of the hunt and the challenge. Next time he might not go so easy on us.

But I was not going to die by his hands. I swore that. I would keep living. I had to. And that was all up to me. In the end, none of my comrades could change whether or not I made it through this—these idiots could barely take care of themselves—so even if I didn't have bullets for my gun…even if the only weapon I had was useless at the moment…I couldn't look to them to support me. I couldn't expect them to change the outcome of my life. Not when Hakkai was losing his mind and Gojyo was probably going to run out on us at any given second. In a little while, it might just be Goku and I, and I'd have to face that.

No matter what, I had to make it to India and stop the revival. That was my God-given mission.

But hell if it was going to kill me.

I heard a rustle in the brush behind me, barely resisted the urge to glance over my shoulder, and listened all the more carefully. So far I couldn't determine if I were being followed or if I was just being paranoid. It could be a deer for all I knew, or it could be one of Ryptcore's deranged underlings. Or it might just be idiot Gojyo's idiot brother.

If it was an enemy, I wasn't sure yet what I'd do. I couldn't shoot. I was defenseless.

Not _defenseless_. Just at a disadvantage.

Gojyo wasn't going to bother protecting me.

Hn. As if I needed him to. No, I didn't need a thing from that bastard. In his condition, he would be more a hindrance than a help anyway, and there was no way I was relying on him.

A twig snapped, and this time I couldn't help looking over my shoulder.

"Nervous?" Gojyo asked.

"Hmph. You'd love that."

"No, I really don't give a shit one way or another." He looked over his shoulder too, but I got the feeling he wasn't checking to see if we were being followed. Maybe he was so stupid he hadn't even realized that we were. The moron was obviously allowing himself to be distracted by that pathetic scene back at the village.

"Why didn't you just go with him?" I snorted.

"With who?"

"Your idiocy is more painful than usual; who do you think?"

"Ji—I mean Dokugakuji? Why the hell would I go with him? He's the enemy."

"I just assume you're ready to go with anyone who's not us at any given second."

I knew I was making him angry. Why did he bother acting pissed off when it was true and he knew it? Did he really think I was so stupid that I hadn't overheard his conversation with Hakkai? Did he really think he could fake indignancy and make me believe he wasn't going anywhere?

"Why in the hell do you keep saying shit like that, Sanzo? For the last damn time, I ain't leaving. I'm not going with that asshole Feng, and I'm sure as hell not going with that dick back there."

"Don't get me wrong, no one cares what you do."

"Oh, right. Well that's a relief. Here I thought maybe you guys might need me for the goddamn, precious, little mission, but it's good to know that's not the case. I guess I'll just go home. Have fun in India, prick, if you make it there."

He was really pissing me off. Did he actually think we couldn't get to India without him? "You're an arrogant, self-centered, sonnova' bitch, Gojyo."

"It's nice to hear you think so highly of me. Either way, I never said I was leaving."

We _could_ make it to India without him. He actually thought he was so important that we wouldn't get there if he left, but that wasn't true. It wasn't.

I decided to trump him at last, "I heard what you said to Hakkai, shit for brains."

He glanced at me, this sort of half-agitated, half-nervous expression on his disgusting face, "When?"

"Morning before last, of course. In Feng's pathetic excuse for a jail."

"Oh. That." He looked away, clearly trying to act casual, "Well, I don't know what you think you overheard, Master Sanzo, but I never told Hakkai I was leaving. So quit making shit up—you're gonna' turn yourself bald."

"Hakkai told you to do whatever you want." I touched the cold steel of my gun as I heard another snap in the woods around us, wished I could shoot something. Gojyo at least. "I'm saying the same thing: do whatever the hell you want, because I don't care. I don't need you, and I'm not wasting my breath trying to convince an asshole traitor like you to stick around."

"God, fine, fine. Think what you want."

I lit another cigarette and kept walking, angrier than ever. This irritating, little mission was becoming more unbearable by the second. It was getting so I couldn't even trust my own damn team anymore.

Some more time passed, and the sky was starting to lighten on the eastern horizon; shit, this sidetrack of ours was taking much too long. Anything could have happened back at the camp by now. It wouldn't matter so much if I'd actually brought back something useful, but as things were now, I'd come all the way over here for nothing.

Gojyo stopped suddenly and stood very still.

"What the hell's wrong with you now?" I snapped.

"Thought I heard somebody call my name."

And now I was in the middle of nowhere with a delusional Kappa.

"I didn't hear anything."

He kept walking, and I saw his eyes darting back and forth, like he was watching for something, "So, what'dya' think's the deal with Hakkai?"

"What do you mean?"

"Everything that happened the other night, with his limiter—do you think that's over?"

"You know as much as I do about that." I thought on it a moment, again remembering how bizarrely Hakkai had acted before removing his limiter that night and how strong his blow had been. He might have been holding back a little when he struck me, but that didn't mean he always would. "Hakkai isn't like Goku, you know—Goku's even less of a regular youkai than Hakkai is, so he may not even be affected by the minus wave—but if Hakkai makes removing his limiter a habit, there's a chance he won't come back."

"Yeah. I know."

I added for good measure, "There's nothing any of us can do to stop that, and if he does go berserk, we'll have to be ready to deal with it."

"Wait." He turned to me again, nearly ran into a low-hanging treebranch, "Wait just a minute, Sanzo. You're tellin' me you'd actually shoot him; you'd actually kill Hakkai?"

"What, did your cockroach brain go on vacation?" I glared at him. "Of course I would. I wouldn't have a choice."

"But we're going to India to try to reverse the minus wave, aren't we? So-"

"If it can even _be_ reversed."

"_So_, we wouldn't have to kill him."

"Don't be naïve, Gojyo. Not only is there no guarantee that we can reverse the chaos plaguing Shangri-La, it's stupid to think Hakkai will be any different from any other youkai after he's gone berserk. Do you really expect me to let him run wild and start killing people, or worse yet, start hunting _us_? You don't actually think that's what Hakkai would want, do you?"

"You don't know what Hakkai would want."

"Oh, but you do?"

That seemed to stump him for a moment, and I actually got some reprieve from his idiotic yammering. It was short-lived though, and a minute later he said, "That's a little narrowminded, don't you think? You'd just kill your own frickin' comrade without even trying to get him back to normal first?"

"I would do whatever I had to do to survive."

"You mean whatever you have to do to make sure the fuckin' mission continues, business as usual."

"When are you going to get it?" I growled. "The mission is the only thing that matters."

"Bullshit! I don't believe for a second that you actually feel that way."

"Then you're dumber than you look."

"What about Goku, huh?"

"Goku already knows I'd kill him if he went berserk." The words shouldn't have bothered me so much, but even just saying them made my headache even worse. Hopefully it would never come to that.

"Yeah right! What're you tryin' to impress me? I know that if Goku went berserk you'd do everything you could to try to bring him back before you killed him!"

Who did he think he was? I didn't like his tone, and I especially didn't like the feeling that he was close to the truth. To shut him up, I grabbed the front of his shirt and jerked him forward, "Shut the fuck up. I don't care about any of you bastards, got that? Go bat shit for all I care. Burn the world down. Join Kougaiji's revolution. I will put a bullet in each of your heads, and then I'll walk to India if I have to."

I could see from his tense body language and his burning gaze that I'd really made him angry; it was the same posture and expression he had when he was about to attack, and I got ready to defend myself. I'd been rolling around in the dirt with Gojyo far too often lately, but that didn't mean I wouldn't put him in his place if he wanted to fight. "Fuck you, Sanzo. You think you're so goddamn tough. You actually expect me to believe that you think you'd be able to do this by yourself? You're a fucking idiot. And I'm not stupid. I know you're not killing Goku without a thought."

"Of course I'd _think_ about it." Did this idiot think I _wanted_ to kill Goku? For the last four years I'd been hoping to God that I'd never be in that situation. It's not as if I was looking forward to it. Just to get on his last nerve, I said, "Hakkai's a different matter though."

"You son-of-a-bitch!" He cocked his fist back to punch, his red eyes gleaming in the pale, grey light.

I got ready to pistol whip him. If I was lucky, it would just knock him out and I could go on my way.

"Gojyo!"

We both hesitated and looked up.

Jeep came soaring out of the trees, screeching and swooping around in a circle above our heads.

A second later, a girl came running out after him. She looked tired and frantic, and there was blood the same color as her hair splattered all over her dress. "Gojyo!"

He jerked away. "Lei? What's going on? Are you all right?"

She shoved past me like I wasn't even there to cling to his shirt, breathing hard and shaking all over. "Y-you have to hurry…Hakkai sent me…to find you."

"What's wrong?"

"It-it's Ryptcore. He attacked the camp. Your friends were fighting him…and…and…"

My heart started beating a little faster, but I forced myself to stay calm. Goku and Hakkai were more than enough to stay alive until we got back to camp. As long as they were there to watch each other's backs, there shouldn't be an issue. I had to stay calm…

"Shit! They both okay?"  
"I…don't know. They were both alive when I left…but…"

Something in that hesitation. Something in her voice. I grabbed her shoulder suddenly, harsher than I meant to, "But what?"

When she faced me, she looked dazed, like she wasn't sure who she was talking to or what she should say. She pulled out of my grip, stepped closer to Gojyo and huddled against his chest. "It was awful. Your friend…Goku. He-"

"What happened to him?" I all but shouted.

"He turned into a monster. Something happened to that thing he wears on his head and-"

"Shit!" Gojyo yelled, meeting my gaze. "Shit! Hakkai's fightin' Ryptcore _and_ psycho Goku? No wonder he sent her to find us."

It was definitely not a good situation. Hakkai could hold his own a while, but eventually the two of them would wear him down.

"Goddammit!" I turned away and started to run, scrambling up the mountain path as quickly as I could. "Hurry it up, Gojyo!"

"I'm right beside you, dumbass!" He growled, shoving against me.

I didn't let on that I honestly hadn't realized that. It didn't matter right now. Nothing mattered except getting back to camp and putting an end to this bullshit.

"Lei!" Gojyo called over his shoulder, "You stay here!"

"Here? But Gojyo, I-"

"Trust me. You don't wanna' go where we're goin'."

We ran all the way back to camp. The trail was steep and not very well traveled. There were all kinds of logs and fallen branches to trip over, and I must have torn my robes at least a dozen times. Dawn was beginning to break. I was clutching my gun, thinking about the fact that it was empty, wondering how I was going to fight off Goku _and_ Ryptcore when we reached camp.

_I'll think of something._

"We're getting close." Gojyo announced beside me. "Half a mile now, right?"

I didn't answer.

The first thing to do when I got there would be to replace Goku's diadem and get him back to normal.

"Sanzo…you think we'll be too late?"

"How should I know?"

Goku would probably fall asleep after that, as usual.

"What are we going to do when we get there?"

We'd need him for the fight, obviously, but there was no help for it; chances are, Hakkai would be in pretty rough shape by the time arrived, so he might not be any help at all. Gojyo was still injured, so he'd just be in my way. I didn't have bullets for my gun.

"Sanzo? I said what're we gonna' do when we get there?"

What indeed.

"Fight."

We were so close now, I could feel the energy in the air, trembling in the distance like a storm. But something about it didn't feel quite right. It felt familiar, and yet it was so overwhelming…like there was too much of it.

_What…?_

"Shit, Sanzo." Captain Perceptive said suddenly, using a treebranch to drag himself up the path and run ahead of me a few steps, "That's a whole lot of youkai energy… It almost feels like…"

He stopped. I knew he didn't want to say it out loud any more than I wanted to think it.

"Dammit." I ran even faster, "He can't really be that stupid, can he?"

I could hear them now. Snapping and snarling just ahead of us, and I saw the flickering of the camp fire. Shouts were floating through the air and the youkai energy was overpowering. By now I was sure everything was out of control.

But I still wasn't prepared for what I was about to see.

There were four of them. Not just Goku and Ryptcore tearing into each other, but Hakkai and that damn woman as well. They were going at each other so viciously and recklessly, it looked like total chaos: nothing but sharp ears and sparkling fangs and bloody claws. They were like animals, attacking and attacking and attacking, no matter what kinds of wounds they received or who gave them those wounds, no matter how badly they were bleeding or if they looked like they were about to fall over. They kept fighting, almost as if they didn't know what else to do. Ryptcore, I was astonished to see, was worn ragged and bloody, with his intestines hanging out and his chest and arms ripped open, blood gushing down his face and pooling around him wherever he stepped. He was grinning like an absolute lunatic.

Hakkai and Jade looked a little beat up too, but Hakkai wasn't as bad as I'd expected. As far as I could tell, they weren't attacking each other. In fact, it looked like they were working together. I wasn't sure if that was good or bad.

Goku was the only one who wasn't injured, and he was laughing hysterically, ripping into anything that got near him.

A string of bodies was littered throughout the clearing, all of them sawed to pieces with limbs ripped off and stomachs torn open. The reek of blood was so strong that even I could smell it.

Gojyo and I stood at the edge of the clearing, gaping. He muttered 'sunnuva bitch' a couple times, but neither of us could actually speak for several moments.

"It's worse than I thought." I said at last, and somehow I managed to keep my calm, apathetic tone, even though the sight of them all trying to kill each other was really disturbing.

"Right…so…" He ran his hand back through his hair suddenly, "Fuck. I really need a cigarette."

I really needed one too, but I said, "It looks like you'll just have to wait." And started forward, clutching my gun. It took me a second to remember I was out of bullets. What shitty timing.

Gojyo shouldered up next to me, Shakujou in hand, "What's the first move, Lord Sanzo?"

"What, you haven't figured it out yourself?"

"Right, so you're taking Goku out."

"It won't be so easy this time. Even if you manage to create a diversion, it might not be enough with the other three in the way."

"We're still gonna' try though, right?"

"No choice. We'll have to wait for the right opportunity." Damn. Normally putting Goku's diadem back on was simple, but this time I might not get a chance. I didn't know if I could count on Gojyo to be any help.

For a few more moments, we watched fight. It was actually kind of impressive the way they all fought, with such strength and speed and intelligence. All except for Ryptcore anyway. More and more I was getting the impression that he was little more than the proverbial loose cannon. Hakkai was definitely a match for him. If Goku hadn't been there, for all I knew Hakkai would have killed Ryptcore by now.

Ryptcore attacked Jade, reached out and caught a handful of her hair, swung her around and around, laughing like a little boy with a toy. She heaved a ball of purple chi at his face, and he stumbled back, howling and covering his eyes. She landed on the ground heavily, got up a little slower than usual, and leapt after him. They went crashing through the bushes and trees together, snarling and growling.

Hakkai and Goku went at each other, head to head. They too seemed pretty evenly matched in speed and strength and accuracy. Hakkai still had his wits about him, as best I could tell, but it didn't stand up well to the pure insanity of Goku's violence. Neither of them were holding back though, not hesitating in the least, like they were completely unaware that they were supposed to be on the same side.

Goku hit Hakkai hard in the side of the face, knocked him down like a wooden soldier, and before Hakkai could even think to get up, he was on him, laughing triumphantly, claws ready to tear through flesh, blood and even bone.

He sliced into Hakkai's stomach once and blood sprayed everywhere. I heard Hakkai screaming in pain, watched as he thrashed back and forth, fighting to get free.

"Shit." Gojyo muttered beside me.

Goku laughed all the more and struck again, cutting through more flesh, unleashing more hot blood.

"Sanzo." Gojyo hissed. "The others are outta' the way, shouldn't we make a move?"

I couldn't answer him. I could only stare as Goku and Hakkai kept struggling on the ground, more blood pooling around them. Something about seeing Goku this way… Not that I'd never seen his youkai form before. But seeing him trying so sincerely to kill a team mate really bothered me. I couldn't stop thinking about that obnoxious, innocent, annoying, little fifteen-year-old I'd found in that cage, the blank look he'd given me, as if he didn't have a brain. Just a kid. Not that much younger than me, and still…just a child… A horrible, demonic child with powers no mortal deserved to have at their disposal.

_Shoulda' left him where I found him._ I thought half-heartedly.

"Fuck, Sanzo, we can't wait!" Gojyo snapped, "He'll kill him."

Before I could say anything, he darted out from our cover and went right at Goku, kicked him hard in the chest, knocking him back off Hakkai, and stood over him, weapon ready.

Damn Kappa had some guts, I had to give him that.

For a moment, the fighting stopped; four pairs of wild eyes stared at him.

I watched Gojyo hesitate and grip his shakujou a little tighter. "Alright, Hakkai?"

Hakkai didn't answer; he was getting to his feet slowly, bleeding all over.

"Hanyou." Jade snarled through bloody lips, demonic green eyes gleaming. Maybe she was the only one still capable of speech. "This is none of your concern. I suggest you leave."

"And let you have all the fun, babe? Not likely."

"Where is Genjyo Sanzo?" Ryptcore roared. "Is he hiding like a child?" He laughed boomingly.

"Mind your own fucking business." Gojyo snapped.

Goku was getting up now, rubbing his head, the laughter all gone from his face. He set his sights on Gojyo, bared his teeth.

His gaze… It was so unreal and distant and wild. Nothing at all like the way Goku was supposed to look. I barely suppressed a shiver.

Gojyo scoffed, "What's up, squirt, did I piss you off?"

Goku's smile came back, three times as wicked as before. In a blur, he sprang forward. Gojyo managed to put up his shakujou in time to block, but Goku's weight was still enough to knock him down. He rolled out of the way, barely avoiding being torn to pieces, and took a swipe at Goku. Goku ducked under and punched him in the gut so hard he fell on his knees again. Goku jerked his head up by his hair, snagged him by the front of the shirt, and threw him a few yards, dashing after him, smiling all the while with that dark cheer.

I watched warily, keeping my focus balanced between Gojyo and Goku; hopefully at some point Goku would leave himself open to me and I'd get the chance to make a new diadem for him. There wasn't any point in looking for his old one right now.

They fought a few moments, the other three looking on hungrily.

"Hey, Hakkai!" Gojyo yelled, taking a step back, seconds before Goku's claws would have spilled the contents of his stomach, "How about a little help?"

"I'm afraid I have my hands full with Ryptcore." Hakkai answered languidly, and those chillingly unbothered words made me feel as if there might not be any hope for him.

Gojyo looked shocked, "What?"

I guess I would be shocked too if I were him.

"Sha Gojyo." Ryptcore smiled eagerly. "Your friends can't save you now. The demon slayer and the sage have both lost their minds, and the Sanzo is probably dead at the bottom of a cliff. There is no one left to save you."

How perfect. Ryptcore was just as insane and easily distracted as before.

"Eat my ass, you sack of shit." Gojyo sneered, twirling the chain of his shakujou around once. He slung, apparently trying to distract Goku and slice Ryptcore in half at the same time. Ryptcore had to leap to the side to avoid being sliced in two. Just like that, he was after Gojyo, roaring again, claws arched and ready to kill. Gojyo danced backward, barely avoiding the first to slashes, and I noticed that Ryptcore was moving a little slower than in our last fight. Apparently his wounds were really troubling him. At least we knew he wasn't invincible.

Goku followed suit, and just like that, they were tag-teaming him. Ryptcore went at him from one side, took a swipe so close a few strands of Gojyo's hair floated to the ground. Goku kicked him from the other side, not hard enough to knock him over, but enough that he lost his balance and had to stumble around a few vital seconds, trying to right himself. He blocked another deadly attack, took a slice across the back, spun around, angrily and managed to cut Ryptcore thinly along the chest.

I was just wondering if I should step in and try to help the pathetic bastard, when Hakkai and Jade entered the fight again.

Jade sprang up on Ryptcore's shoulder and tried to bite his neck, smiling all the while; Hakkai darted across in front of him, nearly tripping him, somehow got behind Gojyo, and grabbed the shaft of his weapon.

"What the fuck?" Gojyo tried to jerk the shakujou away, but I could see that Hakkai's grip on it was too strong.

"It will all be over soon." Hakkai assured with a smile even creepier than usual. With that, he tossed Gojyo to the side and rammed against Ryptcore, knocking him back into Goku. The fight started all over again.

"That didn't work worth a shit." Gojyo grumbled, standing up and making his way back to me.

"You'll have to try harder." I snorted.

"Why don't _you _try, Master Sanzo?"

"I have to be ready for Goku, that's why. We'll never get out of this mess if we don't straighten him out-he'll kill everything in his path."

He was already doing a good job of killing Ryptcore. As I watched him slice the youkai general in the side, I wondered if maybe we could just let him finish Ryptcore off.

"Even if we did that, we'd still have to bring those other two idiots around."

"Shit, this is hopeless, isn't it?"

Instead of answering, I said, "You're an idiot, by the way. You could have gotten yourself killed, jumping in there without a plan."

"Yeah, well you were in a coma or whatever, and someone had to do something."

"Winning this will require tact. Something you're sorely lacking."

"Shove it, Sanzo." He muttered, preparing to dive back in there. "We gotta' get that kid under control."

Behind me, I heard a calm, familiarly annoying voice, "Maybe we can help."

I knew Kougaiji and Dokugakuji were standing there without even having to look. "I doubt it."

Gojyo turned to look at them over his shoulder, _"You guys_ were following us? Damn."

"We don't need your help." I informed them, still keeping my eyes on the fight. "You'll only get in the way."

"Besides, didn't _you_ send him to kill us?"

Kougaiji snorted, "Of course not. I'd be an idiot to unleash Ryptcore himself. In fact, I came all this way to dispose of him."

"That so? Well good luck with that-the guy's indestructible. You'd probably be better off ordering him to go home and go to bed, right?"

"Not likely. Ryptcore is an unstoppable force-he listens to no one."

"Hn. What dumb fuck let him out?" I wondered, more to myself than to anyone else.

"It doesn't matter." Kougaiji answered, stepping up beside me. "If you can calm Goku down, that would help. Otherwise, this will never end, am I right?"

I watched as Hakkai and Goku slammed against each other, trying to maul one another. It was a question with a fairly obvious answer.

Kougaiji didn't wait for an answer anyway. He stepped past me with a cool, "Let's go."

Dokugakuji was right behind him, sword ready.

Gojyo stood beside me. "Shit. Last time that ass fought Goku, he-"

"That isn't our problem." I said stiffly. "If they get killed, they get killed. Our objective right now is to get Goku and Hakkai under control. Nothing else matters."

"Whatever you say, _Lord_ Sanzo."

"Go make yourself useful."

"As you wish."

The diversion worked a little better this time. Kougaiji and Dokugakuji attacked Ryptcore head-on, slicing through the mayhem of the fight effortlessly. It was obvious right off the bat that they were no match for him by themselves: no matter what move they made, he blocked or dodged or simply counterattacked. Even Kougaiji's summoned monster was dispelled with ease, and Dokugakuji got knocked silly in the first two minutes of the fight.

Still, against the two of them, Hakkai and Jade, Gojyo and Goku, Ryptcore didn't stand a chance. He was down in about ten minutes, bleeding and shouting angrily so that the whole mountain seemed to shake. Goku stood over him, laughing hysterically, ready to deliver the final blow.

I saw my opportunity and took it.

I ran at him. It was a risky move to make with the other blood thirsty youkai around, but what other option was there? I took him down as quickly as I could.

He didn't even see me coming, snarled in shock when I hit him. We wrestled momentarily. There wasn't much time. Goku was strong. He could overpower me in a second if I let him. The others were all standing right there. Gojyo, Kougaiji and Dokugakuji might be able to keep the three of them off of me, but I didn't dare count on it. I had to get the diadem on him, and quickly.

His claws sliced through my robes; I felt them clip my stomach, but ignored the wash of sudden pain.

Goku howled, swiping at me.

Around me there was snarling and shouting. I didn't have time to look up.

I began to chant as quickly and clearly as I could, felt the power of the makai tenjyo flowing over my body, the pure energy of it consuming everything. I spoke the holy words. I'd said them so many times, I felt I could say them in my sleep. I pressed my palm against Goku's forehead, slamming him back into the dirt, finished the chant, and the energy of the makai tenjyo flowed down into him. There was light and unbearable heat. My eyes and skin stung.

Then, just like that, I felt the hot, reassuring metal of the diadem under my fingers, and Goku began to slip back into his normal form. He looked human again. His eyes were closed. He was sleeping.

I barely had time to register the fact that I'd succeeded before I was thrown off him.

I landed in a heap several yards away, gasping in pain and trying to figure out what had happened.

Ryptcore was laughing. He was sagging and staggering and it looked like he could barely stand, but he was laughing and pointing at me, "I knew you were around here, priest…if only I had time to play…."

Blood was running down the side of my head. He must have hit me.

"It's six against one, Ryptcore." The Asahara said lazily as she and Hakkai advanced Ryptcore, bloody claws at the ready. "Prepare to die."

Gojyo was standing over Goku; he and the other two looked ready for action too, and I was beginning to feel a little overwhelmed with being the only human around, "Hate to agree with the bitch, but she has a point—looks like this is the end of the line for you."

Ryptcore cackled. I couldn't help being surprised at that. He was surrounded and he was badly injured, and yet he stood there laughing as if nothing were wrong, "Impudent, flawed creatures. You have won the battle, that I cannot deny, but this is far from over. Those who fight and run away live to fight another day, and Ryptcore will return stronger than ever. On that day." He smiled down at me, his face brimming with pure insanity, "I will have your heart in my hand, little priest."

I sprang at him. I don't know what I could do to him without my gun, but if I got the chance to use the Makai Tenjyo against him, it just might be enough.

He was slower than before, like I'd noticed earlier, but he still managed to dodge the blow, faded back into the pale, morning shadows, and just like that, he had vanished completely, his psychotic laughter still echoing in the woods around us. I turned around and around a moment or two, ready to keep fighting when he reappeared, but before long, the laughter waned as well, and it was clear he was gone.

"You let him escape, Sanzo." Jade purred.

"I didn't see you making any moves to stop him."

"That's true…" Her eyes slipped up and down over my body. She was still coming forward. Hakkai was right beside her, his mouth twisted in that eerie smile. I tried not to show how nervous the sight made me, and I searched for my gun again. No bullets, I reminded myself, agitatedly. What a pain in the ass.

"Oy, Hakkai." Gojyo stepped over Goku and marched straight up to Hakkai, "Fight's over, man."

"Over?" Hakkai sounded far away. His long, serpentine tongue was hanging from his mouth and his eyes were glazed with hunger. "It's only just begun."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Dokugakuji mumbled. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him move to stand just a bit in front of Kougaiji.

Hakkai was just a few feet away from me now. I wasn't planning to give him the chance to strike though.

I raised my gun, bullets or no bullets, sticking it straight in his face, "Back off, Hakkai."

He laughed. It was a maniacal, violent version of his everyday, mocking laugh. It reeked of insanity, just like Ryptcore's and Goku's. "Come now, do you think I'm that stupid? Sanzo, if your gun had any ammunition, you would have used it against Ryptcore."

"I do think you're that stupid." I smiled viciously. "I think you're that stupid because you went and took your damn limiter off."

"The limiter, the limiter. Yes, yes, I know how concerned you are with it. But perhaps Sanzo, it's none of your concern to begin with."

"_Not_ my concern? I'm the one who has to put you out of your misery now, you brainless dog."

He took a swipe at me. For a moment I couldn't even process what had happened: it was all so fast, his claws were so sharp, I barely felt them, and I hadn't realized he was within arm's reach. I was just suddenly bleeding, bright red flowing down my chest, staining my robes.

"I suggest you shut your mouth, human. You're not in the position to be killing anyone."

"Hey!" Gojyo grabbed his arm. I couldn't decide if that was ballsy or just plain stupid. "Cut the shit, Hakkai, and put your limiter back on!"

Hakkai wrenched away from him like he was five years old, "Don't pretend you don't feel it as well, my friend."

"Feel what?"

"Superior. I know full well how tired you are of this arrogant human pushing you around, so now's the time to stop whining and do something about it."

"Hakkai…." Gojyo looked dense and stunned and honestly scared, "What the fuck are you talking about?"

I couldn't blame him. Hakkai was much more powerful than the average youkai, and there was no chant I could say that would magically put his limiter back on him. Last time, we'd gotten lucky.

"You and I, Gojyo." He kept his eyes focused on me indefinitely, never wavering, "We'll tear him apart and feast on his flesh."

"Listen to yourself! You wanna' kill _Sanzo,_ Hakkai? Get a grip!"

"You should listen to him, Hakkai." I advised, still straining to remain collected, "If you attack me I'll kill you."

Hakkai just smiled, "I'm not sure you understand the position you're in, Sanzo. You are surrounded by enemies."

There was no denying that. Gojyo was my only ally at this point, and I didn't dare waste a nano second relying on him.

"_Hakkai_!" Gojyo grabbed his collar, jerking him forward, "You gotta' quit this bullshit man!" He sounded like he was starting to panic, and that was the last thing I needed. "You don't wanna' kill Sanzo! Why bother? You have to put your limiter back on, right now, before it's too late!"

Hakkai threw him off easily; Gojyo hit the ground like a rock and slid a ways, writhed a moment, holding his ribs and moaning.

"You can be my ally or my enemy, Gojyo. The choice is entirely up to you."

"We're both your allies, you jackass." I clenched my fists and got ready to defend myself. If I had my gun I'd just put a bullet between his eyes and be done with it.

Hakkai started circling around me, smiling and licking his lips.

Off to the side, Gojyo was getting slowly to his feet, still holding his ribs. Kougaiji, Dokugakuji and Jade were all watching silently, none of them so much as twitching.

"I'll give you one last chance, Hakkai. Put your limiter back on now, or die like the animal you are."

He came at me so suddenly, I didn't even see him move. He rammed me into the trunk of the tree behind me, forearm jammed against my throat, locking my head in place, "Such threats. Answer me this, Sanzo, what makes me an animal? Are humans not animals just like the youkai?"

I stared into his eyes, straining to see any glimmer of reason and remorse in them, but they were cold and hard. More than likely, they'd always been that way. Never the less, seeing how I couldn't shoot him and move on with life, I had to at least try to get through to him, "You know the answer to that yourself, Hakkai."

"Don't try to flatter me, Sanzo. We've all seen the same thing on this little journey of ours: youkai and humans are not so very different."

"Do you honestly believe that? Think about what the youkai did to you, back when you were human."

Everything in the clearing was suddenly still as death. Hakkai stiffened visibly.

"Sanzo…" Gojyo sounded like he was trying to warn me.

"Think about what they took from you." I insisted. "Are you really trying to side with them now?"

I felt his grip tighten against my neck, and suddenly I could barely breathe. "How dare you speak to me that way?"

I grated out, "They killed her. Those youkai took her from you forever—they ruined your whole, pathetic life."

"Shut up!" He snapped.

I couldn't help smiling. This was so stupid. "Look at you now: losing control, letting yourself be overwhelmed. For what? You're no better than the demons who made you what you are today."

"I said shut up!" He swung at me suddenly. It was a harsh blow, and I wasn't expecting it; my head slammed back against the tree and a blur of vibrantly colored stars splashed across my vision. Then I was vaguely aware of the fact that I was on the ground. I thought I could hear someone calling my name, but that was fuzzy too.

Damn. Damn that Hakkai.

I groped for my gun.

My vision was totally black now. My body felt numb, fingertips cold and tingly, arms and legs heavy as led. I tried to lift my head but only just barely managed to tilt it back and forth on the ground.

"Sanzo…"

That was my name, wasn't it? Someone was calling me.

"Master...?" I wheezed, struggling to see. I thought I saw a light, somewhere ahead of me. I reached for it, but I felt as if I were stumbling through the dark. One wrong step and I'd plunge over the side of a cliff.

"Sanzo. You have to get up."

"Master…I…"

I could almost see him now, smiling at me gently, so honest and real and tender. My master. My father.

"I-I'm sorry…I'm so sorry I couldn't…I tried…"

"What the hell're you talkin' about, dumbass? _Get up_!"

Gojyo…

My vision started to clear at last, the black clouds slowly floating away, and a hazy light cascaded through. Above me there were leaves, vibrant and trembling, with blue-gray sky lightening beyond the canopy. Around me, the sounds of the forest were starting to come to life. I turned my head dizzily.

Gojyo was standing over me. He had his weapon out.

Why did he look so ready to fight?

I wanted to flinch away from him. I didn't need him going crazy and attacking me.

"Sanzo!" He yelled. His voice sounded far away. "Can you hear me?"

No, it wasn't him I needed to worry about…

Allowing my head to fall to the side again, I could barely make out the fuzzy shape of Hakkai: he was standing a few yards away, clutching his arm. Bright red oozed between his fingers.

Blood.

I forced myself to sit up on my elbows, stomach twisted with nausea. "…Crazy…bastard…"

"Glad to see you could join us." Gojyo snorted as I managed to pull myself to my feet. "Any bright ideas?"

As soon as I was up, I wanted to fall down again. My head was spinning and my legs felt like noodles. He really hit me hard, that crazy asshole.

"We gotta' get his…limiter on him…" I stuttered.

Gojyo gave me a disbelieving look, "No shit. Any idea _how_?"

I couldn't deal with this right now…my head hurt, and now my heart did too.

Gojyo waited a moment, and then he sighed, "Damn, you're useless."

"Look who's talkin'."

He ignored me and inched forward, "Hakkai, listen to me, man."

The other youkai stayed perfectly still. Dokugakuji and Kougaiji were standing side by side, murmuring to each other, but obviously they meant to stay out of it. The Asahara just looked hungry, as if she couldn't wait for more blood to be spilled.

"What." Hakkai snapped, "Could you possibly have to say to me now that you've cut my arm?" He sounded slightly more like himself.

I wondered how long I'd been out and what had happened while I'd been lying there. It had only felt like a matter of seconds.

"This is ridiculous, Hakkai, I don't wanna' fight you."

"You have a very odd way of expressing that feeling."

"What am I supposed to do? Let you kill Sanzo?"

Hakkai didn't answer.

"Alright, you took your limiter off 'cause Goku and that other nutjob would have killed you if you didn't, right? But that's over now, so put it back on and quit acting stupid."

"This isn't like before, Gojyo." Hakkai said coldly, "I'm not playing games."

"You were _playing_ the other night? God_ damn_ you're a prick if you call that a game!"

"I will kill you, Gojyo. I highly suggest you don't cross me."

"But what for? Look at me, it's _me._ I'm your damn room mate, I'm…. I'm your fucking _best friend._ You wanna' kill me? After everything?"

Hakkai looked mildly convinced at that. I could see him starting to sway a little.

Give me half a chance and I was going to beat the shit out of him.

"What about Sanzo? What has Sanzo ever done to you? I mean, other than being a complete and utter dick every day of his life. What makes you want to kill him out of nowhere?"

"We're youkai." Jade said suddenly. "It's what we do."

"You stay out of this!" Gojyo shouted, turning on her angrily. "I ain't talking to you!"

But Hakkai said, "She's right, Gojyo…it is in our nature to kill."

"Yeah, in hers maybe, but it's not in your nature, Hakkai."

"You seem to have forgotten who you're speaking to…. You may recall that killing is what made me this way in the first place."

"But-"

"Hey." I jabbed him with my elbow, "Your heart-to-heart's touching, but you might want to try out a different strategy."

"Oh, what would you recommend? Shoot him?"

"It might be the only way."

"Fuck you. Hakkai, I can't judge you on what you did or what you're going to do. All I know is, the Hakkai I know would never want to lose his own will and be controlled like this; whether he's human or youkai doesn't matter."

For a long, long time, Hakkai was quiet. He didn't move. The forest continued to brighten as the sun rose, and before long, we were all standing in warm, yellow sunlight. The bodies of the half-breeds that had been killed looked even more gruesome in the light, and I noticed Goku beginning to stir. None of it mattered just now though. No one in the clearing moved.

This couldn't work. Hakkai was too out of control to just stop and listen to reason. Gojyo was an idiot if he honestly believed he could fix this without a fight. Our only remote chance was to do what we'd done before: drag him down and put the limiter on ourselves and hope against hope that it was enough.

"Gojyo-"

"Shut the fuck up, Sanzo."

"Look, you stupid asshole, I don't like this anymore than you do, but this isn't working, and the longer he stands there without his limiter, the more likely he is to go berserk."

Gojyo glanced at me out of the corner of his eye, "You don't think he's berserk?"

I did. When I looked at Hakkai and felt the terrible aching in my head and across my chest, I didn't see how he could still possibly be in conrol of himself, but I'd be an idiot to say that to Gojyo, "Not yet, but he will be if we keep standing around here."

Hakkai laughed suddenly, "I'm disappointed, Sanzo. After all, your deductions are usually so sound."

I glared up at him. "What are you babbling about?'

"Honestly, that's the sort of thing I expect out of Gojyo, not you."

"Make some sense already, Hakkai."

He was just shaking his head and smiling. He would have looked normal, if it weren't for that goldn eye, and those ears and the sharp teeth making that smile so dangerous. Suddenly, he reached into his pocket.

My body went stiff and I got ready. I don't know what I was ready for—it wasn't as if Hakkai carried a weapon. Just the same, you couldn't be too careful when dealing with a rogue youkai.

He pulled his hand back out, reached up to his ear, and just like that, clipped the limiters back on one at a time. In a matter of seconds, he was just normal Hakkai again, standing there smiling at us like nothing had happened. Something about that smile though, was horribly wrong. It looked upbelievably fake, and I knew that this wasn't over.

"Sorry for the fuss." He said simply, strolling toward us, "I suppose I lost control for a few moments. I didn't hurt you, now did I, Sanzo?"

My head was still pounding and I felt like I was going to be sick, but I didn't answer, and Gojyo didn't say a word either. We exchanged a single glance, but neither of us spoke.

"Well, as long as no one's dead, I suppose I can heal everyone's wounds, and then we may as well press on, don't you think so, Sanzo? Or would you rather take the day to rest since Goku's the only one who managed to get any sleep?"

Goku was twitching on the ground now, drooling a little and murmuring about food. He'd probably be awake soon now that the sun was up, and then he he'd be whining about breakfast. The very thought made me exhausted. And now there was something else as well, something I couldn't quite identify, even though it seemed to be sneaking up behind me, reaching out to drag me down.

"It might be wise to rest." Hakkai went on calmly, "Although with Ryptcore still around, perhaps it would be foolish to stay in this same spot. We'd best—"

"Wait just a damn minute!" Gojyo interrupted suddenly. "That's it? 'Sorry, I lost control for a few moments, let's move on'? You almost went crazy, Hakkai! You wanted to kill Sanzo—hell, you threatened to kill _me_—and now you just want to pretend it didn't happen?"

Hakkai gave him one of his scathing looks, "Do you perhaps have a better suggestion? As best I can tell, there's no point in standing here discussing it."

"You don't know that. Maybe we can prevent it from happening again. I'd at least like to know who killed all these people." He gestured to the heap of slaughtered hybrids—he would care about that. "You or Goku?"

"What makes you think it was either of us?"

"Fine. Forget that then. What-"

"As for preventing this in the future, that's something I'd advise you not to waste your time worrying over. I only removed my limiter because I was fighting Ryptcore and Goku. As long as that situation never reoccurs, I should think there won't be anymore problems of this nature."

Hakkai sounded sure of himself, voice confident and even reassuring. Firm. But I noticed the way he glanced at that woman, a pensive look on his face, and I saw the way she smiled back at him, so predatorily and anxious.

"Now then. I'd rather not discuss this any further. Shall we move on?"

"Right." Gojyo snorted. "You'd rather not discuss how you tried to kill all three of us in one night. I get it."

The next look Hakkai gave him was almost frightening.

Gojyo shifted back and forth nervously, but Hakkai just kept staring at him.

"Are you trying to make me feel guilty, Gojyo?"

"No, but-"

"If it is a matter of wanting me to feel remorseful over my actions then believe me, I'm not at all proud of what I did, and I'm going to do everything in my power to ensure that it never happens again. What more could you possibly want from me?"

"I just-"

"Or could it be that you're looking for an apology?"

"No, I just think it's a bigger deal than you're acting like it is."

Hakkai studied him a long moment, like he was trying to decide on a way to react. When he finally answered, his voice was unusually cold. "I see. Well as much as I appreciate the concern, everything is under control now, and rather than dwelling on it, I suggest we pack up Goku and move along before Ryptcore comes back."

With that, he went and began gathering up the supplies that had been scattered across the camp during the fight.

"That dumbass." Gojyo grumbled.

"He's a youkai." Jade said out of nowhere, "You can't judge him for how he is anymore than he can judge you for your red hair."

He scowled at her, "Can it, girly. This has nothing to do with you."

"Doesn't it?" She smiled innocently, but her eyes were shining.

"Don't tempt me. I have no problem shredding you right now."

"Oh, a big, scary hanyou. I'd better keep my distance." Still smiling insolently, she stepped between us and walked away as well, went to stand over Hakkai as he was packing things up. I couldn't hear what she was saying. Rather, I didn't want to listen in the first place.

Head hurting worse than ever, I turned, only to find Kougaiji and Dokugakuji standing there.

"What now?" I demanded, "Don't tell me you want to fight us too."

"You four…" Kougaiji said slowly, "What is going on with you?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

He stared after Hakkai a moment, and then shrugged suddenly. "Nothing."

"Hn. How irritating. Well, if you don't want to fight, I suggest you get out of my way. We're moving out, and as you can see we don't have time for anymore distractions."

"What about that woman?" Dokugakuji asked. It looked like the two of them were intent on playing twenty questions, "Who is she?"

Gojyo sneered at him, "You mean you haven't heard of Jade the Asahara?"

They exchanged looks, and then Kougaiji answered. "Never. But…there is something strange about her. Is she traveling with you, Sanzo?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"You'd better watch your back either way; I don't think trusting her is wise."

"Thanks for the advice." I snorted, lighting a cigarette. The nicotine soothed me a little, and I began to feel my headache lifting. "But we're already several steps ahead of you."

They both looked at me a while, then at each other. Presently Kougaiji said, "At any rate, Ryptcore is the real problem. We'd like to join forces with you until he's been killed: letting him roam the countryside unchecked is out of the question."

"This again?" Gojyo moaned. "Look, it's like we told your buddy here earlier." He jerked a thumb at Dokugakuji, "We're not interested in joining up with anyone."

Just the sound of his voice was enough to bring my headache back with a vengeance. "You're in no position to make those kinds of decisions when you're going to be leaving soon anyway."

Gojyo did a double take of me. "What? Wait, what? How many times I gotta' tell you, Sanzo? I'm not leaving!"

"Hmph. Whatever you say."

He glared at me, "Oh, so what're you tellin' me? You _want_ to join forces with these guys? You want to team up with the enemy?"

So he was going to continue to be his irritating, obnoxious, utterly stupid self. Some things never changed.

I felt the sutra resting heavily on my shoulders.

_Some things never stop changing…_

"That isn't what I said." I growled. "Of course I don't want anymore potentially insane youkai with me. Dealing with two of them right now is bad enough. I'm going to keep heading west, and I don't care what anyone else does, including you." It wasn't as if I could trust my own team mates any better than I could trust Kougaiji at this point. They were all going berserk and running out on me.

"Ryptcore's following you." Kougaiji went on, like we hadn't said anything at all. "I refuse to return to India until I've seen his corpse, and there's safety in numbers, you know. It could be in everyone's best interest—I for one would feel uncomfortable wandering through the wilderness with just Dokugakuji, knowing that maniac is loose."

"Besides." Dokugakuji added, "It's not like you can keep us from following you. Whether you willingly decide to let us travel with you or not, we are going too."

I couldn't believe how unbearable this trip was becoming, and suddenly I wished this wasn't my problem at all. I almost wished I weren't a Sanzo in the first place. A man like me wasn't cut out for this kind of pain in the ass work.

_Master…I trusted you for all of my life, and yet I still can't make sense of why you chose me…_

Those were thoughts best saved for later, when I actually had time to think about them.

I was so frustrated, I threw my half-smoked cigarette down, kicked myself for it immediately.

"Do whatever you feel like. Just don't expect anything from us—if you two get your asses in some awkward position, don't think for a second we're coming to the rescue."

Kougaiji's eyes narrowed, "I think your group is far more likely to find itself in an uncomfortable situation, Sanzo."

Everything was going wrong, so he just might be right in that.

"Well now that that's settle, I believe there's something else to discuss." Hakkai cut in. He was standing next to Jeep and he'd already gotten Goku into the back seat—the monkey was sleeping like a log—the few remaining half-breeds were standing there too. I saw the girl who'd come to find us standing at the front of the group, holding a boy in her arms. He had an uncommonly obnoxious face, even when he looked scared shitless.

"Please, human." The girl pled. "Hear me out. Our leader is dead."

I barely noticed the hulking corpse of Feng strung off to the side, one arm completely torn off.

"We can't return home, and we have no one to guide or defend us."

"Don't look to me to fix that." I said immediately. I was not taking this freak-show field trip under my wing.

"I wouldn't think of it. But Gojyo…"

"What about him?"

"I thought he might be interested in guiding us."

"Eh?" Gojyo looked startled, "Guiding you where, Lei?"

"There's another village, a lot like ours, just a few days journey from here. It's not exactly like ours—humans and youkai live there too—but it's safe for our kind. If it's not too much trouble, I'd ask that you see us there safely."

Here it came. Gojyo was going to say yes—if only because it was a woman who was asking him the favor—and run off with them. Just like I'd known he would. Good thing I'd never wasted so much as an ounce of faith on him. Now the only question was-

"I dunno about that Lei. We're all sort of in a mess ourselves. I mean, I'd like to help, but I can't just leave the guys."

She gave him a disgustingly helpless, pleadingly feminine face, "It's not that far from here, Gojyo, I promise. You could take us with you over the next couple of days, break off to lead us to the village, and only be away from your friends for a few hours. I swear. And it would mean so much to us. Without Feng…I really don't know where else to turn."

I thought I saw tears forming in her eyes. What a disgusting act.

That idiot bought it. He pushed his hair back once before turning to me, "It really doesn't sound like a big deal, Sanzo."

"It sounds like a big deal to me."

"Can't they just go with us a ways?"

"Are you out of your pea-sized mind? Of course they can't! Do you know how much easier we'll be to spot if we've got a whole goddamn parade with us? And we won't be able to use Jeep if we take all these extra people with us. It's a massive inconvenience."

"But it's just an inconvenience." He growled. "It's not like it would be a huge problem or like it would seriously mess up our whole game plan. We're talking about taking five extra people with us for just a couple of days. What's so wrong with that?"

I'd had enough. I didn't want to argue with Gojyo anymore: I didn't think I could take it.

"I said no. I won't endanger this mission over something so-"

"So what? Stupid? Meaningless? If Ryptcore finds them he'll kill all of them. You want that?"

I tried to block my hesitation and my guilt. I couldn't go around protecting and saving everything I came across. This was a world where survival of the fittest was the only thing that rang true—a violent world. I couldn't allow my judgement to be impaired by every little issue of morality. If I did, we'd never get to India. It was just another executive decision I had to make for the good of the group and the mission. I didn't expect a halfwit like Gojyo to understand.

"Why should it matter to me what happens to them? I asked ruthlessly, "Come to think of it, what does it matter to you?"

"You fucking asshole! You know damn well why-"

"Sanzo." Hakkai interrupted reproachfully, "It really wouldn't hurt, you know. We're going to run into Ryptcore again whether or not we're riding in Jeep, and it's not quite fair to condemn all these innocent people to death just because we're in a hurry, don't you agree?"

"It isn't about what's _fair,_ Hakkai. It's about staying alive."

"I don't know about you, Sanzo, but I don't plan on dying by Ryptcore's hands, regardless of whether or not a handful of Children of Taboo are with us for a mere fraction of this journey. Perhaps if that's something you're planning you'd best go off on your own after all."

"Just whose side are you on?" I snapped.

Hakkai looked surprisingly troubled at that, but answered calmly, "I'm not choosing a side, Sanzo. I'm just asking you to think about this logically. Ryptcore will likely find us whether they are with us or not. Clearly we'll have to fight him again and again until either he's dead, or we are, and sacrificing what's left of these people when it was us who led Ryptcore to their village in the first place seems senseless to me."

Already I could see there was no winning this. When Hakkai and I argued, it always seemed to be my unyielding stubbornness against his carefully planned arguments; all too often I felt like he got what he wanted because he had some way of making me feel as if my opinion was wrong, even when I knew full well it wasn't.

Still, even if my position on the matter was flawless and sensible, I knew I couldn't win. If I put my foot down and said absolutely not, those two idiots would probably go off together and walk the half-breeds home without my consent. I couldn't trust them to stick around for anything, and we'd already seen how well Goku and I had done against Ryptcore by ourselves. This time it looked like I had no choice but to relent.

"Fine, have it your way then. But you two are the ones in charge of them, understand? I want nothing to do with it."

"I hardly think anyone needs to be assigned the task of 'being in charge of them.' I'm sure they're perfectly in charge of themselves."

"Just don't expect my help."

"Oh, no, of course not, Sanzo." He smiled all too brightly. "We won't be expecting anything out of you."

I ignored his little dig. There were other, more important things to worry about, like how I was going to make it to India when everything was falling apart.

_Not falling apart. They're just a little out of control. I can handle this._

If only there were some way I could convince myself of that.


	14. Chapter 14

**I seriously considered omitting a lot of these next couple of chapters, but I enjoyed writing them so much, I couldn't bear to  
So i've decided to just do whatever I want with this fic and have fun and try not to worry so much about whether or not it all makes sense. It's not like it's a novel, for fuck's sake. That being said, I still really appreciate the support on this one, since I am havin so much trouble finishing it.**

**Enjoy**

**Goku**

I dragged my feet. Walking sucked—the road was really crappy, like people didn't walk on it very much, it was full of bumps and holes, and it was taking a really long time to get anywhere. I didn't mind the exercise. I barely noticed it. Normally maybe I wouldn't have minded having to walk at all, but everything was weird now.

Already we'd been walking for a day and a half, and I felt like things were weirder than ever. When I'd woke up after the fight, I didn't remember much, and that was normal. The others couldn't tell me much either. They said Ryptcore killed a bunch of the half-breeds, and Sanzo came back just in time to put my limiter back on. Then, with the help of Kougaiji and his buddy, they all chased Ryptcore off. Sanzo said he was injured and he probably wouldn't bother us anymore, and Hakkai was the only one who seemed to be hurt, but he just smiled and said it was from fighting that freak.

They all just smiled and told me everything was fine.

But I knew it wasn't. First of all, if Ryptcore wasn't going to bother us anymore, why was Kougaiji with us? He and his friend kept to themselves, walking off to the side of the road and whispering, but they were still there. They were the enemy, weren't there? Did they decide to join us?

What about all the dead hanyou. Even Feng was dead now, but why would Ryptcore kill them? I mean, he was crazy, but he was out to get the four of us, and I just didn't believe he would have bothered with them. From what I remembered, before I lost my diadem, he wasn't acting all that interested in anyone besides me and Hakkai. Someone even more out of control than he was must have killed them

I knew it could have been me. I got crazy and I couldn't remember what I did, so for all I knew…  
But I didn't want it to be me, so I let myself believe it was Ryptcore.

So now the rest of the half-breeds, plus the psycho girl, and Kougaiji and Dokugaku were all going with us. That wasn't normal, but no one could tell me what was happening.

My friends were acting weird too.

Sanzo was quieter than ever. He just grunted and snorted a lot, even when I asked him stuff. He toyed with his gun all the time, and I had to remind myself that it wasn't loaded. I caught him checking over his shoulder and looking around when we weren't paying attention to him, like maybe he thought somebody was going to sneak up on him when he wasn't prepared. But maybe that was just 'cause Kougaiji was around. I don't know. It just looked like he was really on edge, ready to act in a heartbeat.

Hakkai frowned way more than usual. Unless he was talking to someone else, he just stared ahead and frowned. Jade was always a few feet from him, and she just kept whispering and whispering to him, and whatever she was saying must have really sucked, 'cause he just frowned more and more and more. Sometimes I saw him touching his stomach where that big, nasty scar was supposed to be, like it hurt or something, but I couldn't figure out why. A wound that old shouldn't bother him anymore, should it? Then he'd just smile at me and tell me something about the forest around us, or ask me if I was hungry or something normal. He was nice, like always, but something about it was just really off. I didn't like seeing Jade so close to him, and I didn't like the ways she touched him, stroking his arm and petting his shoulder and running her fingers through his hair and down his back and stuff. He just let her, but I couldn't figure out why. I couldn't figure out what she was trying to do.

Gojyo just seemed pissed. About everything. He stayed away from Sanzo, and whenever he did get too close to him, or they happened to talk, they'd just wind up arguing, and Hakkai barely bothered to break it up before they were fighting. He frowned a lot too, like Sanzo, but it was a different kind of frown. Maybe 'Cause Sanzo frowned no matter what, and Gojyo usually looked so chill. He barely ate when we took breaks, he paced around camp at night, and he was always rubbing his forehead like he was sweating, even when it wasn't warm, and coughing for some reason. I watched him ask Sanzo for cigarettes a couple times, but they were so sick of each other, he always got shut down. After a while, I realized he didn't have any of his own. I'd never realized before what a big deal that was, but it was really affecting his mood. He didn't hang out with Lei like I thought he would. He didn't even try to sleep with her at night. He also stayed way far away from Kougaiji and Dokugaku, like they had the plague or something. He talked to me and Hakkai, but he just seemed pissed off about something. I wondered if he'd leave when we got to the other half-breed village.

They were all acting so tense and pissy, I didn't know what to do with myself. If I even tried to whine about being hungry, somebody yelled at me right away. Whenever I asked questions no one answered, not even Hakkai. I didn't know how to help them, but I really wanted to—I really wanted stuff to be normal—but I felt pretty crazy myself. Hakkai was running around, taking his limiter off whenever he wanted to, but he still kept some of his sanity. I hated not being able to remember what I did without my limiter: I hated knowing I'd done something terrible and couldn't even be held responsible for it, because it wasn't really me who did it. Worse than that, I felt like I was just going crazy. I couldn't even be responsible for my own actions. Whatever I did, it was so terrible, my friends couldn't even tell me about it. Every spare chance I got, I was worrying about it. What if it happened again? What if some day I couldn't make it back? Some day, my friends might not be able to help me. Some day, I might kill them all before they could. Then what? I was really scared of what was going to happen next—what if Ryptcore came back and I lost it again? I wasn't stupid;I knew I was out of control: what if I killed someone? What if I killed one of my friends? How was I supposed to deal with that? How was I supposed to not feel nuts? Right now, what I really needed, was for someone to just tell me things were going to be okay.

I looked back at Sanzo, who was walking just a few steps behind me. He wasn't exactly a sensitive, comforting kind of guy, but he was always honest, and even if he couldn't tell me something that would fix everything, at least he was good at making me see that things would be all right one way or another. Today though, he looked so irritated, I wasn't sure I should bother him.

Ahead of me, Lei tripped and landed on her hands and knees in the dust. Deshi stopped to crouch beside her, and a couple of the other half-breeds gathered around.

I forgot about Sanzo for a moment and jogged up to her, "You okay?"

She looked up at me through her bangs, like she was mad or somethin'. I saw that there was some blood on her skirt, and for the first time I realized her left leg was injured. It didn't look too bad though.

"Did Ryptcore do that to ya'?" I asked.

"No." Her voice was shaking. She sounded like she hated me. "It wasn't Ryptcore."

"Then what-"

Hakkai was suddenly beside me, offering her his hand and talking quickly, like he was trying to interrupt me. "If you want, I can heal that. It doesn't appear to be very serious, but I'm sure it's difficult to travel like this."

"Yeah. We woulda' helped ya' if we knew." I smiled.

"No thank you." Lei recoiled, and her voice was anything but thankful. "I don't need anything from either of you."

"I see." Hakkai put his hands in his pockets, "Well maybe we should rest a while. What do you say, Sanzo?"

"We already had a break two hours ago. There's no time for another."

"Ah, yes, but that's a rather long time to go without stopping if you're unaccustomed to travel as we are."

"No kidding." Gojyo agreed, "It ain't fair to expect them to-"

"They weren't invited in the first place." Sanzo snapped. "They're already slowing us down enough, so either they keep walking or we leave them behind. Is that clear?"

"They're not slowing us down that much." Gojyo challenged. He sounded really, really pissed. Maybe because he hadn't had a cigarette in so long.

I saw that they were about to start fighting again; they were standing face to face, fists clenched, meeting each others' gaze with flashing eyes.

"Kappa, if you want to stop and sit here with them, be my guest. The rest of us are moving on with the mission."

"The mission, the mission, the mission. Is that seriously the only thing you care about?"

"As if you're one to talk. Everyone knows you don't care about anything but yourself."

"Where do you get off saying something fucked up like that?"

"Just look at you. Obviously you don't give a shit about the mission. You're bored and you want to move on. Hakkai's right, you _do_ need to grow up."

"Hey, Sanzo, I'm still on this ass-sucking quest, aren't I?"

"For how long? I can't count on any of you piss-poor youkai!"

I stared at Sanzo. He sounded really…. I couldn't quite put my finger on what he was getting at, and I didn't really understand what he was upset about, but I could tell that something was seriously bothering him.

"Hakkai…" I glanced at him, but he was just watching them. No, he wasn't even doing that much. It looked like he was staring off into space, and I knew he wasn't going to break them up this time.

"Maybe if you weren't such an asshole you wouldn't have to worry about that."

"I'm not the one with the problem, Gojyo. You're the immature little prick who can't face up to responsibility."

"Excuse the hell outta' me for not being born with a pipe up my ass!"

I looked around. Everyone was staring at them. The half-breeds all looked edgy and nervous, Jade was just smiling like it was funny, but Kougaiji and Dokugakuji were shaking their heads and whispering. I wondered if maybe it was really bad for the two of them to see Sanzo and Gojyo not getting along.

"Hey guys!" I said as loudly as I could, "I'm really hungry. Are we almost to the next town?"

It was enough to get them both to turn their heads and glare at me. "Monkey, have you lost your mind?" Gojyo demanded.

Hakkai stepped in, "Goku, you know the next town is three days away. Of course we're nowhere near it."

"Yeah, but…I'm so hungry, Hakkai!"

"In that case, perhaps the best thing to do at this point is to hurry onward." He turned to look at the others, "Wouldn't you agree? Sanzo? Gojyo?"

Gojyo kicked at the ground.

Sanzo snorted. He threw his cigarette butt down at Gojyo's feet, "Smoke that, you sunnova bitch. Maybe it'll help you calm down."

"You arrogant, little-"

"C'mon ya' damn Kappa." I shoved him playfully, "I'll race ya'!"

"Race? To where?"

"I do believe you'd win that race, Goku." Hakkai laughed, helping Lei to her feet, even though it looked like she didn't want him touching her at all. "I've heard nicotine withdrawals are quite brutal."

"Fuck you!" Gojyo snarled. He didn't look like he was even half-way kidding.

"Speaking of being immature, it looks as if some of us don't know how to take a joke."

"Who's immature? You're the one who can't quit makin' fun of everybody-"

I pushed him again, a little more insistently this time. "Hey, the sooner we get ta' town, the sooner we can buy ya' cigarettes."

"He has a point." Hakkai said, grabbing his arm and starting to pull him forward. "In the meantime, please try to steer clear of Sanzo."

Gojyo grumbled something and kept walking.

I heaved a sigh of relief. I barely managed to stop them from fighting this time. Hopefully things would calm down soon and I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore.

Sanzo was making his way steadily toward the front of the group, and now Jade was the only one in front of him, but I didn't think he'd try to pass her. He looked distracted, glancing around the woods again, but other than that, he seemed normal. It was real hard to tell with Sanzo sometimes. He was always so cranky, who knew when there was something really wrong?

I trotted after him.

When he was yelling at Gojyo…. They never got along, not from the first day they met, but when Sanzo was yelling at Gojyo, I felt like there was something else he wasn't saying.

"Hey, Sanzo!"

"I know, I know, you're hungry. I heard you the first time, monkey."

I really was starving. My stomach growled and I rubbed it, forced myself to think about something else. I wasn't used to doing that, but at a time like this, I knew that being hungry would just have to wait. "Can I walk with ya'?"

"Hn. I don't care what you do."

He sounded even more guarded than usual. I might not even be able to talk to him when he was like this, but I just wanted to be close to him.

We walked a ways, side by side, and I tried not to think too much, but I kept replaying the fight with Ryptcore in my mind, over and over. As much of it as I could remember anyway, and then I thought about waking up after the fight.

I'd woken up in the seat, even though Jeep wasn't moving, and my whole body felt really, really good. I felt strong and healthy and ready to conquer anything that crossed me. I didn't ache like I'd expected I would, but that was no surprise. I never woke up in pain after losing my limiter. It was just like waking up from a dream.

A bad dream that is. Memories of being that…that _thing_ were usually in pieces, but they were never nice pieces. They were clips of awful, nasty stuff. I remembered consciously wanting to kill Sanzo and all my friends. I didn't want to remember what other evil things I'd done. I didn't want anyone to tell me about it. I wanted to hear someone say out loud that I wasn't going crazy. Everything was going to be fine.

"Um, can I ask a question?"

He sounded like he was just giving up. "What?"

"…That girl. Lei…"

"Who?"

"The half-breed girl." I chanced a look back at her. She was limping along beside Gojyo, holding Deshi's hand. She looked sad, and I felt super bad for her. I mean, she lost everybody she ever knew in just a coupla' days.

"What about her?"

"She's hurt-"

"It's not my problem, Goku."

"Yeah, but…how'd she get that way? Who did it?"

He glanced off his shoulder at me, then away, "I have no idea—I missed it."

I knew he was lying to me. It was risky to push, but I had to. "She told me it wasn't Ryptcore, so was it Hakkai, or was it…?"

"That idiot probably did it himself when they were fooling around."

"Wha? Wh-" It took me a second to realize he meant Gojyo. It was the weirdest, weakest thing Sanzo could have said. I didn't know if he was trying to distract me or if he just want to bust on Gojyo some more. Either way, it didn't help me at all. "I'm bein' serious."

"So am I."

I decided I'd better just get to the point. "I did that, didn't I? An' the half-breeds who're dead…like Feng… I killed them."

He was quiet a second. "I don't know. I wasn't there."

Did he really not know, or did he not want to tell me the truth? I'd never had a hard time getting the truth out of Sanzo before. For all the time I'd ever known him, I was always able to get the real story out of Sanzo, even if it was painful or hard or sad. I trusted him not to lie to me.

But, I also trusted him to be on my side when things got bad, and maybe if that got tough, he would lie to me, just so I'd be okay in the end.

"I wish I could remember. The things I do when I'm…like that…I can't remember them. Do ya' think that's a good thing or a bad thing?"

Sanzo didn't answer. He was being really weird.

I was starting to feel like I was talking to myself, "I dunno' what ta' do. It keeps happenin'. I know it's gonna' happen again, 'specially if we gotta' fight that guy again, an' ev'rytime I lose it I hurt somebody. I don't wanna' hurt anybody; I really don't wanna' hurt you guys. I just don't know how ta' make it stop. I feel like I'm goin' crazy."

Some day, I might not make it back, and then Sanzo would have to kill me, just like he said. That was good. I didn't want to be berserk and run around killing innocent people.

Still…

"The longer this journey goes, the more dangerous stuff gets—the more dangerous _I_ get—I feel like…every enemy we face is just a little stronger than the last one. Maybe by th' time we all get ta' India I'll hafta' take it off just ta' survive, an' then what'll happen to me? I-I don't wanna' die, but I don't wanna' run around actin' nuts either. I don't know how ta' win this thing."

Sanzo finally spoke, "No one's making you stay, Goku." His voice was quiet, but there was a hard, angry edge to it. It was so strange, I wasn't sure I heard him right.

"What?"

"No one is making the three of you do this, and frankly I'd probably be better off without you insane halfwits tagging along, so if that's really how you feel, maybe you should just turn around now and go home."

I stopped and stared at him, "Sanzo…"

He kept walking, not even looking at me.

What did that mean? Did Sanzo not want me with him anymore? Was he seriously trying to tell me to go away? No. It was something else—it had to be. It had to do with whatever it was I heard in his voice earlier, whatever it was that had him checking over his shoulder every five seconds.

_Sanzo doesn't trust me…_

The thought hit me like a rock. He didn't trust Gojyo to stick around, he didn't trust Hakkai not to take his limiter off and go insane, and he didn't trust me not to go insane either. He didn't trust any of us.

I got over my shock and ran after him, caught up to him easy, ignoring the weird looks the others gave me, "Wait a minute, Sanzo. You…you know I'd never do that, right? I'd never just leave you guys like that."

"If there's anything I've seen on this absurdly irritating little trip of ours, it's that nothing is certain."

"No." I said firmly. "It don't matter, Sanzo. I'd never-"

"We all have our pasts, Goku. We all have things we'd walk away from everything for. That's all this is—those other two morons are letting their shit bother them too much."

I thought he was kinda' a hypocrite for saying that, but I didn't tell him so.

"They're letting it get in the way, and when Hakkai goes insane and Gojyo leaves, that will be why."

"Yeah, but I don't got any weird stuff in my past, Sanzo. I ain't got any crazy scars that're gonna' make me run away, an' I don't think they-"

"I don't know what any of you are going to do, ever. I've never pretended to be able to predict or control your actions, and I don't expect any of you to hang around. Whatever's going to happen will happen, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. But I won't be surprised by it. Not this time."

After that, I let him walk on by himself, watching him from a distance for a long, long time, and I felt sad and sorry and even kind of guilty, but I didn't know why. I didn't know why Sanzo was acting like this: he was just assuming we were all gonna' ditch him one way or another, without warning; as far as I knew, he'd never felt that way before. Why now?

_Not this time…_ What did he mean by that anyway?

I glanced around me. Hakkai was walking with Jade. She was holding his arm tightly, and they were talking quietly. Gojyo was surrounded by the other half-breeds. They were hanging off him and talking to him and a couple were even laughing. We'd never had other people travel with us before. I thought it was strange that none of us were hanging out like we usually did—those two were distracted. Maybe Sanzo was right…

No. I couldn't believe that. I didn't want to believe that Hakkai and Gojyo would abandon Sanzo without a thought.

Walking slowly, I brought up the rear of the group. The hunger was just a bitter side note now, pushed off to the side of my stomach, and my guts felt knotted and tight. I reached up to touch my diadem. If some day I did lose it and I couldn't get back…if for some reason my friends couldn't help me… What then? Who knew where I'd go? I knew I'd be causing pain wherever I went, but beyond that… Would I even be myself? I'd be alone, I knew. I'd be bent on killing and eating everything I came across. I definitely wouldn't keep going west with Sanzo. The worst part was that it could happen at any time, and I'd never see it coming. Sanzo knew that.

He was being so pessimistic though, just assuming it was going to happen.

It might not.

It might.

There was nothing I could do…

The idea was so scary to me, I almost lost my appetite, and I walked the rest of the day without talking to any of my friends. They didn't talk to me either though. Gojyo didn't try to tease me. Hakkai didn't check up on me. It was like I didn't exist. I felt so lonely I could barely stand it, and I was scared. I was watching everything crumble around me, helpless to do anything, and I wasn't used to that. I was used to things falling apart a little maybe, but I wasn't used to having to handle it all by myself. I was used to the guys standing with me. I didn't think about it much, but everyone of them treated me like their little brother, even Sanzo…_especially _Sanzo. It was weird. Normally I didn't think in terms of who was strongest, but I knew deep down that I was stronger than any of them, even Hakkai, and they knew it too, but I had always felt like all of them were looking out for me in their own way. Like I was a kid. It sucked that today they didn't feel like doing that. Not that I _needed_ them to, but…

I was just so used to it.

Sanzo didn't decide to call a break until the sun was already setting; he said we should set up for camp, and then he went and sat down under a huge tree, smoking and being quiet. The other half-breeds sat down too—it looked like most of them were exhausted. All day, they'd been avoiding me and giving me mean looks, so I tried to stay away from them. Kougaiji and Dokugakuji walked a ways a way and started setting up their own camp. Jade disappeared completely, as far as I could tell. I wondered if she even slept.

My stomach growled, but I still felt so unhappy, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if eating would help the empty feeling I had.

Hakkai and Gojyo bickered for a moment. I watched them. Gojyo sat down with Lei and Deshi, and then Hakkai came over to him and asked him if he'd please help gather together some firewood. Gojyo complained about being tired and needing a cigarette and wanting food and his ribs hurting and everything else he could possibly whine about before Hakkai gave him some half-insult half-threat, smiling the whole time, and he got up with a sigh to help. It was probably the most normal thing I'd seen all day. It made me think that maybe their friendship, or whatever it was they had, was the only thing that hadn't gotten totally blown apart over the last few days, and I remembered how worried Gojyo had seemed right up until Ryptcore burned the half-blood village down. Would that have gone away since then?

When the fire was ready, Hakkai asked me if I'd help him make dinner. I agreed, but it was hard to focus, even on food, when I was still thinking about Sanzo and my limiter and everything. I watched Hakkai out of the corner of my eye. He sure was crazy strong without his limiter. He was freaking scary. His eyes could be so…

I shivered. He might go insane if he took his limiter off again. No one told me much about last night, but Gojyo made sure I knew that it was harder than before to deal with Hakkai—he'd tried to hurt Sanzo and everything—Gojyo made sure I knew that next time…

That would mean no more Hakkai, just like that.

_But…he's not doin' it on purpose._

Was he?

Hakkai noticed me looking at him, "Is something wrong, Goku? You're being awfully quiet."

"Nn. Just thinkin'."

"Are you hungry?"

"Yeah. A little…"

He gave me a weird look. "Do you feel all right?"

"Yeah. I'm thinkin' about last night…"

"Oh. I see." Something about his voice told me he didn't want to talk about it.

I watched him quietly a while.

"Dya' remember stuff?" I asked eventually. It seemed harmless enough.

"What do you mean?"

"Like stuff from last night…dya' remember what it's like?"

"Yes, for the most part I do. Granted…the memories are a bit fuzzy and blurred, as if they're going by in fast motion. Over all though, I think I could chronologize the night with accuracy."

"Lei an' Feng…an' ev'rybody. Didj'a…I mean, we're you the one who…hurt them?"

Hakkai froze. "Why would you ask such a thing?"

Hakkai was crazy smart too. I didn't think he actually had to ask why.

"I just need to know."

"I'm afraid I don't quite remember that detail, Goku."

"Ya' don't remember if ya' killed a buncha' people?"

"I believe it was Ryptcore."

"Lei told me it wasn't him."

"Well then…it must have been me."

Or me. He wouldn't want to tell me it was me. I knew they didn't just die on their own.

He laughed suddenly, tossing a scrap of wood on the fire, "I must really be going insane."

It was too strange to watch him laugh about that. I suddenly couldn't look at him, and I mumbled, "You ain't goin' insane, Hakkai."

He didn't say anything.

"I wish I could remember somethin'. Anything. I wish I could at least take the blame for what I did."

"No, Goku." He answered softly. "You don't want that. Sometimes memories are terribly painful." He touched his stomach again, winced slightly. "In any case, you weren't yourself, so any blame would be inappropriate."

"Ya' think it's good I can't remember?"

"In a sense I suppose so. I suppose I envy you a bit." He was just staring into the fire now. "There are many things I'd like to forget."

Like trying to kill Gojyo and Sanzo and me. That would be a really crappy memory to get stuck with. I guess even when I tried to kill them, stuff was so scattered when I came to, it was almost like just having a messed up, little dream. I couldn't imagine how it would feel to be so close to those feelings. It wouldn't be like going to sleep and just having a dream about trying to kill your friends. It would be like…really, seriously _wanting_ to kill your friends, out of nowhere. Just like being in the mood to eat something specific.

Like the other night, before Ryptcore burned the village down, the way he'd almost ripped Gojyo's face off in the park. _Gojyo's_. The two of them had been friends even longer than I'd known them. I wasn't stupid—I knew Hakkai would do anything for Gojyo, and the other way around too. How bad would it suck to just suddenly have this bizarre appetite to _want_ to rip your best friend open?

How much would it suck to _want_ to kill Sanzo after everything Hakkai owed him? I didn't know exactly what Hakkai thought he owed Sanzo, but I knew he was really grateful for the things he'd done for him when he was still called Gonou.

It would be so awful. I didn't know how he could deal with that. I didn't want to think about how terrible he must be feeling, and I wished there was something I could say. Not to fix it. Just to help.

After all, I'd do anything for any of them. _Anything._

Suddenly I remembered a conversation I'd had with Gojyo a long time ago, after I'd removed my limiter and almost killed Kougaiji and Dokugakuji and even Sanzo, Gojyo and Hakkai. I remembered how he put his arm around me and wouldn't really look at me.

_"You didn't do anything wrong…you were just doing what you thought was right…so stop your pathetic apology for killing me. Do I look dead to you?"_

"'Sokay, Hakkai." I touched his shoulder, wishing I could say what Gojyo had said. Wishing I had more to offer. "Ya' didn't do nothin' wrong…I mean…you ain't really yourself either…like that. 'Sides, we're all okay."

"That, unfortunately, doesn't change the facts, Goku."

I knew that was true too. He still tried to kill us. Just like I still tried to kill them. I sat back and looked up at the stars, wishing things could be simple again. "Ev'rything feels so outta' control, Hakkai."

"I must agree with you there." He answered very, very softly.

"It's like we can't even deal with that freak Ryptcore right now…'cause ev'rything's such a mess. I'm scared that the next time I fight 'im, if I lose my limiter again, it'll be too much."

I noticed how he flicked his ear when I mentioned the limiter, but he didn't offer any comfort. Usually Hakkai was good for comfort. He was logical and smart and always calm and composed. If no one else ever said the right thing, I knew I could count on him to say it, because he wasn't scared to tell me the truth, and yet… He was just so nice. No matter what, he was always nice.

Tonight though, he stayed silent, and I got the feeling he didn't have anything to tell me, because we were in the exact same situation. I felt selfish for even thinking he might be able to help me, and I wished I hadn't brought it up at all.

"What should we do?" I asked, when a long, long time had passed. I figured, even if we were in the same boat, he might have a good idea. He might have a plan. At least I didn't have to sink alone. Maybe I could rely on Hakkai. I knew I could. I always had before. And he could count on me. We could help each other figure this out.

With a sigh, he too tilted his head back to stare up at the sky, "I wish I knew."

Again, I felt that familiar sinking feeling, so much worse than being hungry, and everything seemed completely hopeless. Sanzo couldn't help me. Hakkai didn't know what to say. I sure as hell didn't have the answers. No one did.

Gojyo came over and threw down an armload of firewood, then sat down between us heavily, "_Damn _that sucked." He was quiet for a quick moment before he asked, "So. What're you guys mopin' about over here?"

"Nothing very important—Goku and I were merely discussing our situation."

"Yeah? What did'ja decide?"

Hakkai smiled quietly, "That we are utterly hopeless."

More silence passed, and just when I thought he didn't know what to say at all, he was like, "That's sorta' a bleak verdict, huh?"

Hakkai laughed, but it didn't sound real. I don't know why he bothered—Gojyo wasn't trying to be funny, was he?

"C'mon, you guys don't really think this's the end of the journey, do you?" He sounded sort of annoyed, I thought, like he didn't like it that Hakkai was laughing about something so serious.

Still, Hakkai kept smiling, but I thought he looked super sad too, just like Lei did. Just like everyone else. When he answered, I thought it sounded like he was owning up to something. "I don't know, Gojyo. It may be. And it's not even Ryptcore that concerns me—all together, I believe we can finish him—but there are so many other things, such internal issues, I don't see how we can possibly over come them, and if we don't, they will continue to stand in the way. How can we possibly continue if-"

Gojyo hauled off and punched him in the arm out of nowhere. It looked like it actually hurt pretty bad, and I found myself wincing sympathetically.

"Shaddup, Hakkai."

Hakkai turned to him, half-angry, half confused, rubbing his arm. "Why did you-"

"You got no right to be so depressing. This, all this bullshit—Ryptcore, that psycho chick, takin' your limiter off—it's just a speed bump. Goku, you go through this all the fuckin' time, and you're still just your tiny-minded self, right?"

I couldn't help feeling sort of confused too. I was still trying to process why he'd hit him out of nowhere, so I didn't even know what to say.

"This shitty, fucking journey is never ending, you guys got that?" Gojyo grinned suddenly, firelight making his red eyes almost sparkle. "Hell, we'd be lucky to get out that easy."

At last I found my voice, "Yeah, but…stuff's really, really bad, Gojyo…"

I felt sort of stupid for saying that to him, and as soon as it was out, part of me wanted to apologize.

Gojyo cocked his mouth to the side, looked into the fire, almost depressed, kinda.

"Perhaps you're right…though." Hakkai told him slowly. "It does seem as if it's much too early to be cashing in the proverbial chips, doesn't it?"

Gojyo took that and ran with it, "Damn straight, I'm right, sunshine. It's _way_ too early to cash in the damn chips, especially for _you._ You can always get shit for a hand and _still_ beat out everybody else at the table, so what're you all bent outta' shape for? And _you _Goku. You're not a quitter, no matter how out of control everything is. You're a fucking fighter.

"Hell, what makes you guys wanna' give up so easy anyway? You've both always been fuckin' crazy, haven't you? Why does it suddenly make such a big difference?"

It felt like the most he'd said all day, and there was this weird tone in his voice…I dunno' what it was. Like he wasn't scared, even when I thought he should be. We all knew that either of us could tear him apart in a fight, if we felt like it, and more and more it was looking like we were going to feel like it pretty soon. But still. He didn't sound scared. He sounded way sure of what he was saying. He sounded like he believed in us. When he looked me in the eyes, I felt like he believed in _me. _That reminded me of what Hakkai had told me a long, long time ago, about how you had to do everything you could when someone believed in you, 'cause you didn't wanna' let them down.

"Besides." He snorted, "There's no way I'm going all the way to India, alone with Master Sanzo. I'm dragging you crazy bastards with me, no matter what happens."

I laughed suddenly. Picturing Sanzo and Gojyo, alone on the road to India was just…silly. There's no way they'd make it. He was right; we all had to go together.

"So quit bein' sad." Gojyo finished roughly. "It's totally annoying."

Smiling still, I kept looking up at the stars. For all we knew, Gojyo was right. This was just a bump in the road: we'd get over it and go on our way. No big deal. We'd kill Ryptcore. We'd get rid of Jade. Everything would be normal again. All we had to do was stick together, and I didn't believe for a second that either of them were going anywhere. No matter how weird today was, I suddenly didn't believe that Hakkai _or_ Gojyo would ever leave me behind. Together, we'd show Sanzo he was wrong. Somehow.

_You're not a quitter….you're a fucking fighter._

I grinned to myself.

Barely even thinking about it, I leaned over and rested my head on Gojyo's shoulder, and he slipped his arm around my neck without hesitation, then draped the other one over Hakkai's shoulder, and the three of us sat that way a long, long time. They talked a little, and I just listened to their familiar voices until my stomach was rumbling and I realized the empty feeling was gone.

* * *

**Gojyo**

"Hey, wake up. Gojyo-san… Wake up."

I opened my eyes to find Deshi leaning over me, grinning from ear to ear.

"You're awake."

_Where the hell am I?_

I glanced around. The sky above us was just barely, barely pink, and the forest was quiet. I was still lying between Hakkai and Goku, and the fire was starting to die out.

"C'mon." Deshi pulled at my jacket, "Come with me."

"Nn. Where?" I reached into my pocket, automatically looking for cigarettes, even when I knew I didn't have any. "What time is it?"

"Dunno. Morning. C'mon, lets go explore!"

"Explore? What're you talkin' about…?" I felt anything but up for that. My ribs were still bothering me, for one thing. Also, I really, really, _really_ needed a cigarette. Already my head was hurting and sleeping had been almost impossible last night, so I felt exhausted. My throat was sore, and I just felt…lost. More than anything. Along with being annoyed and nervous and confused, I felt like I couldn't even function. I didn't want to do anything or go anywhere or even try to move on. I just wanted to lie down again and sleep forever.

"Let's have a look around, yeah? Nobody else is awake yet." Deshi kept pulling on my jacket.

I didn't know if I should snap at him or just go with it.

_I guess I did promise to hang out with the little guy…_

That was before everything in his world went to hell, and now I figured he needed the distraction more than ever.

"Right, I noticed that." Finally I got to my feet, but I felt like I was just going to fall on my face again. Why did life have to be so freakin' tough all the time? Why couldn't I just have my cigarettes? Why couldn't I just be back home, in my town, in my bed, with some tart, sleeping through this ungodly hour?

Deshi started pulling me through the camp, whispering about something or other. We stepped over Sanzo, and I thought about accidentally kicking him in the side, just because he was an ass, decided I was too tired to fight right now. Next we passed Lei and the leftovers from her village. She looked really pretty in the morning light, and I was starting to regret not sleeping with her yet.

Deshi pulled me out onto the main road, and back the way we'd come yesterday. He was all excited about something.

My lungs were hurting and my face was sweating even though we hadn't gone more than a few yards so far.

He was blabbering about something.

"…saw this trail over here yesterday, but Lei wouldn't let me leave the group to check it out."

"Trail?" I coughed.

"Yeah. I wonder where it leads."

What was up with this kid anyway? What was he so interested in me for? He was pretty chipper for a kid who'd just lost all his friends and his home.

_Oh, yeah, I remind him of his brother…_

That really sucked for both of us.

The kid led me back along the road until we came to a narrow path branching off into the trees. Trail was a serious overstatement. It looked like nobody had set foot on it for years.

Deshi crouched down next to it, "Where dya' think it goes, Gojyo-san?"

"Nn. I dunno.'" I rubbed the bridge of my nose, desperately trying to massage the headache away. "Probably nowhere. Let's just go back to camp."

Come to think of it, coming out here by ourselves was a pretty bad idea. I looked around to make sure no one was sneaking up on us.

"Aren't you curious?"

"Not really."

He pulled his goggles down over his eyes, "Well I am. C'mon! It'll be fun."

Walking down some God-forsaken trail at four in the morning with nothing but a hyper kid for company didn't sound very fun, but he ran in there, and I'd be a serious scum bag to let him go alone, so I had to follow him.

The trail was even narrower than it looked. The tree branches reached in to grab at my clothes and hair, and every other step I took I was tripping over some damn log or shit like that. I felt like shit too. I was all shaky and tingly and my stomach felt gross, like I was going to have to barf soon. I swiped the sweat off my forehead with a shaking hand and tried to get a grip, focusing on not losing the canned garbage I'd eaten last night.

Deshi chattered away, completely unaware that anything was wrong. He picked up a stick and swung it like a sword. "Gojyo, you're a warrior, huh?"

I shoved my fists into my pockets. At the moment, I didn't feel like a warrior, and something about those words made me think of that old bastard Hu, calling me a warrior and asking me to think about what he'd said. What had he said? The conversation was fuzzy in my mind. I guess he'd said not to run away from the only people who understood me, and that just made me think about how Sanzo was so irritatingly sure that I was going to run out on the group. If that was what he thought of me, maybe I should just go with Lei and Deshi—they needed me more than the others did anyway—and I'd hate to disappoint high and mighty master Sanzo. Who knew? Maybe these other hanyou losers really could understand me better than anyone else could.

No. It was like what I'd told Goku and Hakkai last night. I couldn't just bail on them now, that wouldn't be cool. Somebody had to hang around and make sure they didn't go crazy. Someone who wasn't going to put a bullet between their eyes the moment they said boo.

"Gojyo?"

Deshi was staring up at me with wide, curious eyes.

"Oh. Sorry, kid, just thinking. Um. I don't know. I guess I am."

"I saw your weapon. It's really cool. You kill people with it, don't you?"

"Only the bad guys, kiddo." I tried to smile at him, but I just felt like throwing up all the more.

He nodded and went back to swinging at tree branches, "When I grow up, I wanna' be a warrior too. Feng always told us we got a right to defend ourselves."

"Hn. That bastard got something right after all."

Deshi was quiet a second. "You…didn't like Feng, right?"

Way to go, Gojyo. "It's not that I didn't like him." I thought as quickly as I could for something nice to say about Feng, but I really couldn't think of anything other than the fact that I really wanted a cigarette and the fact that the guy hit me in the face for nothing. "We just…didn't get each other."

"Yeah. That's what Lei told me too. She said you guys are really different."

I wondered just how much Lei said about me when I wasn't around. "Were you close to Feng?"

Deshi stopped swinging the stick suddenly, and a long time passed before he answered me, "A little. I guess…he was kinda' like a dad to a buncha' us kids: he protected everyone. He was as close to a dad as I ever had."

If that didn't suck, what did? I felt a pit of black guilt eating into my already upset stomach as I realized it was probably one of my own team mates that had killed that asshole.

_That's not my fault._ I thought absently, but Hakkai was right…I was all too ready to take the blame, and the words 'I'm sorry' slipped out of my mouth before I could even think about it.

Deshi didn't act like he heard me. He went back to playing around with his fake sword, "Feng was tough. Real tough. In our village, anyone's allowed to challenge the leader to try to take his place, but nobody could ever beat Feng. He was the strongest guy there. He was really cool too, and super brave. Any time something tried to attack us, he always went out to fight, sometimes one-on-one. This one time, not that long ago, this crazy youkai attacked the village and tried to kill some people. Feng fought him—he got hurt really bad, but he won."

So Feng fought off a berserk youkai? I guess he'd been tougher than I gave him credit for. Then again, he did survive that first fight with Ryptcore.

Deshi was quiet again for a moment, "I don't know what we're gonna' do without him. He took care of everybody…now that he's gone, I don't know what to do."

The way he said it gave me the feeling that he wanted me to tell him something to make everything better. I ran my hand back through my hair, feeling irritated and useless. "Life's…just like that sometimes, kid. When you got someone to look up to, there's never any guarantee they're going to be around forever. That's why you have to learn to take care of yourself. Then you won't need anyone else."

"Like Seiji." Deshi almost whispered. "I always thought Seiji would be there… He was all I had. Then, before I knew it, he was gone, just like everyone else."

This conversation was getting way too close to home for me, but I wasn't sure how to end it. It wasn't like I could just stop him—I'd have to explain myself, and there was no way I was going to do that. "Feng _was_ right though, Desh." I muttered, feeling completely inept when it came to giving advice to a kid. There were still so many things I didn't get or hadn't made peace with myself, so how was I supposed to tell him anything worthwhile? "You have every right to defend yourself. If you stay strong and don't let 'em get you down, you'll be okay."

Absently, I ran my fingers down the scars on my face. If only someone had told me that when I was Deshi's age. Maybe I wouldn't have been so content to sit by and watch as my mother tried to kill me.

Deshi laughed out of nowhere. I was startled to hear that when we were having such a serious conversation, "Lei was right about you."

I stopped to stare down at him, "What's that supposed to mean? What did she say?"

"Nothin'." He grinned mischievously.

"Nothing, my ass, you little punk. What did she say about me?"

"I'm not telling." He broke away suddenly, laughing.

I started after him. "Hey! Get back here! I'm so not chasing you—just tell me what she said."

"What do you care?" He danced just a little out of arm's reach, stuck his tongue out at me, "Do you like her?"

"Don't be a brat." I made a grab for his arm, "Just tell me what she said!"

Deshi laughed even more, "You _do_ like her, don't you?"

"Sure, sure, what's not to like. Now tell me what she said." Finally I managed to get my hands on him, held him tight under my arm to give him a rough noogie.

"Owe, owe! Alright! Okay!" Deshi pried at my wrist, but I was too strong for him, "I'll tell you! I'll tell you!"

I let him go, and he slumped to the ground, laughing.

"Well?"

He shoved his goggles back on to the top of his head, "She said you're a nice guy."

I scowled at him, "Really? That's it?"

"That's all I'm tellin' ya'." He stuck his tongue out again.

"I give up." I sighed and looked around. We were in some kind of a clearing now. The path was a little wider and the trees weren't as close together, and I could see the sky turning blue above us. Off to the side, there was a strange statue, shaped like a short man with round, wide eyes, and also some stone, like there'd been a small building there once.

"This's cool." Deshi got up and jogged over to look at the statue, then the ruins. "What'dya' think this place is?"

"Dunno."

"Maybe somebody used to live here. Hey, look! A well!" He ran over to a stone cylinder sticking up out of the ground and looked in. It was almost as tall as he was.

I glanced around again. For some reason, my headache was suddenly a little less painful. Now if only my nausea would go away. Taking careful steps over the ruins, I went to stand next to him, stared down into the well where it was pitch black and I could detect the faintest smell of stagnant water. The solitude was nice. Something about the dark void in front of me was calming, and I almost felt like my eyes were closed.

"You do like Lei, don't you?" Deshi asked after a while, dropping a rock into the well. It fell a long time before I heard a distant splash.

"I…" I broke off, unsure of what to tell him exactly. Like was such a broad term for me. It didn't take much for me to like a girl: if she had soft skin, a nice body and a vagina, I was there. I didn't stick around long enough to find out anything about personality. It wasn't the kind of 'like' Deshi meant. I didn't know if I'd ever liked anyone in my whole life. It shouldn't matter so much. I shouldn't care about what I told him, but for some reason I did.

"She's a nice girl." I said at last. "Yeah…I guess I do like her." It was a lie, an utter, filthy lie, but it felt like there was nothing else for me to do. Telling him no didn't seem like an option.

Deshi climbed up on the lip of the well and sat there, dangling his feet over the edge and dropped another rock, "You guys should be boyfriend and girlfriend. That'd be cool."

I barely stopped myself from saying, 'It would definitely _not_ be cool', but I did blurt out, "I'm not really big on the commitment thing, Desh."

He looked at me, totally innocent, one-hundred percent oblivious. Goku had nothing on this kid. "What'dya' mean?"

I sighed again. My headache was starting to come back. "Just…guys like me…don't really do things like that."

"Yeah, but you like her, don't you? She thinks you're a nice guy."

"I-"

"You guys should at least try it out. I think you're sellin' yourself short, Gojyo."

I looked at him a moment, trying to decide what in the world to say. "What, you a psychologist or something? Gime' a break, kid. You have no idea what you're talking about."

He dropped yet another rock. "Hm. I dunno'. Maybe you're right. I just think you're a better guy than ya' think you are. Maybe if you gave yourself a chance you'd find out you're not the kinda' guy you thought you were."

The real question was, why in the world was I getting advice from a kid barely out of diapers?

"Lei really likes ya'." He said.

There was that word again. But liking someone and wanting to fuck them weren't the same thing. No way I could commit to some girl. What did they think? I was supposed to hook up with Lei and we'd all go to the other village and the three of us could live together and play house a while?

Wasn't there some part of me that thought that might actually be a little bit nice?

But I knew how that would go. Was Lei going to sit up and wait for me til four in the morning until I came home drunk as shit from gambling with the town's resident scumbag assholes? Was she going to put up with it if I decided to run on her or was she going to kick me out when I started cheating—there was no way I _couldn't _cheat, I knew that already—was she going to clean out my ashtray and pick up after me and ask me not to drink so much and tell me to just grow up already? God damn, I was only twenty-three.

The whole idea made me sicker than ever, and I really did close my eyes.

Deshi kept right on talking. "We really need ya' Gojyo. Now that Feng's gone…. You're the toughest guy I ever met. I'm…I'm scared about what's gonna' happen next. I-I want you to go with us. Lei really likes ya'. _I_ really like ya'. And we need you."

_No one's ever needed me before…_

For some reason, that didn't feel quite true.

"Please go with us." The kid sounded pretty damn close to begging. It was hard for me to remind myself that I didn't owe them anything.

_I'm not supposed to run from the only people in the world who get me._

"Please?"

Behind us, a stick snapped deep in the woods; I heard a rustle of leaves and the sound of something flying through the air, opened my eyes just in time to see Jade pounce on Deshi. The crazy bitch landed right on his shoulders, knocking him forward. Everything happened so fast, all I saw was a blur of red hair as he disappeared over the edge, and then a frightened, screaming face as he vanished down into the darkness.

"Deshi!" I gripped the edge of the well, straining to see down into the dark as his echoing scream got further and further away, ending in an abrupt splash which was followed by sputtering and coughing and shouting.

"Deshi! Desh? Are you okay? No. Shit. No. No, no. Deshi! Goddammit, answer me!"

Jade landed gently on the other side of the well, smiling, hands clasped behind her hands, "Oops."

I tore my eyes away from the black pit to glare at her, "You fuckin' crazy bitch! What the fuck did you do that for?"

"Don't be upset. I was just trying to scare him a little."

"Scare him? Are you insane? You knocked him in!" I was suddenly torn between diving in after him and ripping this bitch apart.

"He's still alive, from the sound of things." She sat down lazily. "Though I'm sure that will change if you don't hurry."

"You're completely crazy." I summoned my shakujou, barely resisting the urge to use it to slice her in two.

Jade looked at me pointedly, "Come now. He's only a half-blood mutt. Such things are put on this planet for the amusement of we full-blooded youkai. Don't you agree, my little flame?"

I didn't have a second to waste on her sick version of humor. Cursing, I sprang up onto the wall, jabbed the sickle into the stone as deeply as I could, prayed it would hold, and leapt after Deshi.

It felt like I fell forever. The air rushing around me, through my clothes and hair, was cold, and everything was so dark I couldn't get so much as a glimpse of the stone around me. I fell so long, I worried I'd run out of chain, but then I hit the water with a painful jolt to my busted ribs, floundered in the ice cold and the darkness for a moment before surfacing again, gasping and sucking in air. I tossed my head, throwing heavy, wet hair from my face, clung to the shaft of my shakujou and looked around, trying to get my bearings. The opening of the well was a coin-sized sphere of light far, far above me, and the well itself was a little bigger in diameter than I realized. I swam to the side, clinging to the wall with my free hand, groping around for a hand hold and trying to push the pain in my ribs out of mind. "Deshi! Desh! Where are you?"

A choking, weak voice finally answered, "G-gojyo!" It was somewhere to the left…maybe the right. It was bouncing all around. I couldn't tell. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out where it was coming from.

I heard a splash. Water sprayed lightly across my face.

A small hand fisted against my shoulder, holding tightly to my jacket. "Gojyo…"

I could almost see him now as my eyes adjusted to the light. His face pale, head barely above the agitated, dark water. He was gasping and bobbing, struggling not to go under. I didn't know how deep the water was, but it was deep enough that even I couldn't stand up, and that was freaky enough for me.

I reached out and seized him by the shirt front, dragging him forward and holding him above the water as best I could with the shakujou in hand. My other hand slipped against the slimy wall and I had to kick frantically to keep from going under myself.

Meanwhile, Deshi was grabbing at me crazily with both hands, kicking and flailing weakly, trying to climb up on my shoulders. He pushed me under once and I got a lungful of water, came up coughing and heaving, broken ribs aching sharply. "Desh-Deshi, dammit, calm down, man!"

I wondered vaguely, as I shoved him against the wall and helped him hang on, why the hell I was doing this. I couldn't let the kid drown, that was the only thing that made sense. For the time being, I didn't want to think about any deeper, psychological reasons.

Still…maybe I'd been stupid to jump in after him. If the shakujou didn't hold we'd both drown down here. That psycho bitch was the only one who knew where we were, and back at camp, the others were probably only just now waking up. Lei might look for Deshi, but it would be hours before they really started worrying.

Sanzo wouldn't have even the slightest inkling of guilt about leaving me behind.

None of that mattered. I had to think this through one thing at a time. Solve it step by step. If there was an obstacle, I'd overcome it. I had to, because there was no way I was going to die in this goddamn well.

Deshi was quieter now, clutching at my arm with one hand and the slippery wall in the other. He was breathing hard, and I saw him shaking.

I was shivering too. The water was friggin' cold. Just one more good reason we couldn't stay down here.

"You okay, man?"

I think he nodded. It was still too dark to see details.

"'Kay, just hang on; I'm gonna' get us out of here."

Shit this was one absurdly deep well.

Above us, the light was getting a little brighter as the sun continued to rise. I didn't see any sign of the bitch, but I wouldn't want her help anyway. I was just glad she hadn't knocked the sickle loose and sent it into the well too.

"Wh-why did she…" Deshi asked, trailing off like he didn't want to say the rest.

"Hell. I have no idea. She's just out of her mind."

I gave the chain a tentative tug. It seemed sturdy enough, but it was really going to suck if we climbed halfway up and fell all the way back down. Then there'd be no way to get out. Not that I was thinking of anyway.

God _damn_. I knew what that meant.

"Desh…" I touched his shoulder, "Look, man, you gotta' climb up."

Even in the dark I knew what look he was giving me. Wide-eyed, startled, scared shitless. Same kind of look I'd seen in the mirror one too many fucking times when I was that age. "But what about you?"

"I'm too heavy. We can't risk it. You gotta' go up by yourself."

"And bring back help, right?"

I sighed and leaned back against the wall. I didn't want him to 'bring back help'. I didn't want to wind up being the pathetic guy stuck at the bottom of a freezing cold well. I wanted to think he could just climb up there and find some way to attatch the chain to something a little more sturdy, but that was nuts, obviously. He wasn't strong enough to pull me up. I couldn't risk getting stuck down here forever, not just for pride's sake alone.

"Yeah." I grumbled finally. "I guess."

"I-I dunno' if I can… It's a long ways to climb. Can't you-"

"No!" I snapped. "Are you stupid? Sure, _I _can climb up, even with my goddamn torso smashed all to hell; fuck, I can probably even carry you up there. But there's no way the chain is going to hold both of us." I thought about the flimsy way I'd lodged the sickle into the stone and wished I'd thought it through a little more before just jamming it into the first thing I could think of. I shook my head, wet hair flying, "No way. It might break loose. Might not. I'm not dying down here. Now quit being a pussy and climb the fucking chain."

Deshi stared at me in the dark a while longer. I couldn't imagine his expression this time. I didn't give a shit. I needed a cigarette, and I was cold and wet and my ribs fucking hurt, so I didn't have time to give a shit.

"Go!"

Finally he pulled his way over to me, I hoisted him up the best I could until he had a firm grip on the chain, and then I waited as patiently as possible as he climbed. I heard the chain rattling and rattling. I heard him slipping and scrabbling at the wall, cursing and even sobbing a little here and again. Over time, the sounds got quieter and quieter, but it felt like years before I saw his silhouette against the white coin of sky.

"Gojyo!" he called, voice floating down to me.

I was starting to feel really tired and shaky.

"I'm gonna' get help!"

"No shit." I murmured.

Then he disappeared.

I think I treaded water for a whole five minutes before I got really sick of just sitting there being lame. It didn't make any sense to try to climb up myself, and I knew why. I was at least twice as heavy as Deshi.

_It might hold._

_It might not._

So should I float there and wait for the guys to come to the rescue?

_Lame._

Lame wasn't my style.

"God, Gojyo, you've gotta' be the biggest fucking idiot…"

I heaved myself up out of the water. The steel chain was cold as ice, but I ignored that, braced my legs against the stone wall and began to drag myself up. Fuck it. If I fell that was life. Maybe I was destined to die down here.

Testing fate, that was more my style.

Climbing the chain was easier than I expected. Of course, I got blisters on my hands and my arms started burning before too long, and my ribs felt like they were going to poke right through my skin and pop out of my stomach. I was coughing and my throat was still unbelievably sore and my head was pounding.

"What I wouldn't give for a cigarette. What I wouldn't give for a fucking cigarette."

Half way up the chain, I stopped worrying about it giving way and realized I really didn't want to do this. I really just wanted to fall back into the water and stay there and wait for them to come fish my pathetic ass out. It was a weird feeling, something I wasn't familiar with, but I really just wanted for someone to hold out their hand and just drag me out of there.

"Not gonna' happen. Quit being stupid and concentrate."

I needed to get a cigarette soon—even my thinking was getting all fucked up.

The mouth of the well gradually grew and grew. It was the size of a baseball, then the size of a watermelon, then it was like a window, right in front of me, and I just had to reach out.

I felt the chain give a little. I guess the sickle was starting to come loose anyway.

Fuck. If I didn't get a cigarette soon I was going to die.

With a moan, I pulled myself up. Shit, I wanted to scream. I just wanted to scream until my already aching lungs hurt even worse and curse and cuss and yell.

"Shit! Goddammit!"

It took me a second to realize I was already screaming. I don't know why. My own voice was bouncing all around me off the walls and up into the sky. It hurt my lungs and my ribs and my throat even, but it felt so good.

"Fuck! FUCK! When I get out of here, that bitch is dead! DEAD!"

I screamed loud and long until my voice started going hoarse.

"I swear!" I shouted. "I swear, when I get outta' here, I'm gonna' beat the living, fucking shit out of Sanzo and take every last goddamn, disgusting, nasty-tasting cigarette he has!"

The window was so close now. My fingers were hurting. The chain was coming loose. So close. So fucking close.

"I'm gonna' tear that fucker Ryptcore limb from fucking limb! I'm gonna' kill that fucking BITCH!"

Above me, I could see tree tops and blue sky with fluffy white clouds and birds flying to and fro. It was right there. Right fucking there. I just had to reach.

I heard the chain rattle. I heard the sickle scraping against the rock. I knew it was coming loose.

"FUUUUCK!"

The chain went slack. I lost my grip on it anyway and the shakujou disappeared. Before I knew it, I was falling back again, arms flailing, screaming out of pure frustration and anger.

Goku snagged my sleeve. My weight dragged him forward a little, but he braced himself with his bo and held onto me.

For a second, I dangled there, brain struggling to process the fact that I wasn't falling, and then Hakkai's face appeared over the edge of the well, not smiling at my expense for once, and he held out his hand.

I couldn't grab it fast enough, kicked at the wall, pushing myself up the rest of the way. They might have helped. For all I knew, they pulled me all the way out and it didn't have a thing to do with me. Whatever. I so didn't fucking care. I was on dry land again, on my knees, fists bunched in the grass, sopping, dripping hair falling in a curtain around my face. I was still fucking screaming like an idiot.

Goku and Hakkai let go and stood over me in silence.

Shit. How awesome was this? They were seeing me extra-fucking pathetic a lot lately.

My screaming died away after a while, maybe because my voice gave out, or maybe because I just stopped. I couldn't tell.

There was a moment of silence.

"Are you all right?" Hakkai asked quietly.

Just like that, I was on my feet. I stumbled toward him. My legs felt like noodles. I took a swing at him, missed by a mile and nearly fell on my face. "You! Fuck you, am I all right! Why the fuck did you have to show up? I was doing just fucking fine!"

"Gojyo…"

"Shut up!" I shoved wet hair out of my face. "Just shut the fuck up! Your fucking, goddamn, _nutjob_ of a fucking girlfriend pushed me in a fucking well! So fuck you, Hakkai! Just fuck you!"

He looked so calm it made me sick. I wanted to hit him so hard. I wanted to bust his calm, fucking face open. His gentle, soothing voice was infuriating. I wanted to strangle him. I wanted to jump back in the well and drown.

"That isn't what Deshi told us."

"Fuck you!" I shoved him. I couldn't help it. I'd never been so angry. "What the hell do you know?"

"I know you're throwing an absolute tantrum. Over what, I can't quite make out."

"Yeah, well, I didn't ask you to save me. I didn't ask you to do anything. You're as crazy as she is."

Hakkai raised an eyebrow at me. He and Goku exchanged looks. That only made me angrier.

Goku decided to speak up. I have no idea why he'd willingly choose to put himself in the middle of this.

"But we didn't save ya', you crazy-ass Kappa. Ya' basically got yourself out."

"Goku's right, Gojyo. We didn't actually save you."

"Don't patronize me, Hakkai!" I jabbed a finger back at the well, "I almost fucking died down there!"

"Please try to calm down. You know that's ridiculous; you would have gotten out one way or another, eventually."

"That's right." Goku said. It sounded like he was trying to be cheerful. "You're a cockroach, right? Ya' could prob'ly climb right up the wall if ya' wanted."

Like the damn cockroach I'd seen at the inn. That felt like weeks ago now. Things had been so much better back then—at least I'd had some damn cigarettes.

"Don't you think you're over-reacting a bit?" Hakkai asked.

I looked around, noticing for the first time that Lei and Deshi and a couple other half-breeds were standing around, staring at me like I'd lost my mind. I didn't see Sanzo—I couldn't be grateful enough for that—but Jien was standing off to the side, and that made me want to shrivel up and die on the spot.

"Shit on a goddamn. Stick." I shoved the hair out of my eyes again and slumped back to the ground, wishing like hell this could just be a stupid dream.

Hakkai asked Goku to take the others back to camp. He tried to say it quietly, like I wouldn't hear him, but I was past caring about that.

Goku lingered a second, like he didn't think he should go. Then he walked away.

Slowly Lei and Deshi and the others followed, looking back over their shoulders at me and murmuring.

Jien stood where he was a long, long time, eyes boring holes into me, but I refused to look at him.

_That isn't Jien in the first place. _I told myself. _It's Dokugakuji. Jien's dead._

Finally that asshole, whoever he was, left too, and Hakkai sat down beside me.

He didn't say anything.

I wished we could just sit there and say nothing. That would be great. Better yet, I wished we could just move on and pretend this didn't happen. But that was impossible.

I plucked a thick strand of grass from the ground and chewed it anxiously. "Sorry. I didn't mean to freak out on you." The words were hard to say. I almost felt like I didn't mean them.

"You're upset." He answered dismissively. "I believe it's been approximately thirty-three hours since you had a cigarette, when, generally, you don't go three minutes between them. I think a little…irritability is natural."

Irritability? Yeah right. I was a maniac there for a good two minutes.

"Shit, Hakkai." I ripped up a couple handfuls of grass. "I really, really, really, _really_ need a cigarette."

"Yes, I know."

"That bitch…she just pushed him in. No fucking good reason. Said we're like toys to her. Why the fuck would she do that?"

"I don't know. It goes without saying that she's not exactly a nice person."

"She's out of her mind. We gotta' get rid of her."

"I agree." He answered very quietly.

"I just don't know how."

"Try not to worry about it, Gojyo."

"I'm sorry I pushed you." I coughed.

"No harm done. Please don't lose any sleep over it."

"I mean it. I'm really, really sorry. I don't know why I-"

"Gojyo." I felt his hand on my arm suddenly, "It's all right."

I shivered and took a deep breath. "Yeah. Okay."

"I know that when we get to a proper town you're going to buy more cigarettes—and _you_ know that—so at this point it's just a matter of weathering through it. Albeit it, we're in constant danger on this mission, but try to relax. I suggest you drink more water, and try not to think about the fact that right now, you absolutely cannot have a cigarette. Try taking deep breaths; perhaps that will help keep the withdrawal symptoms in check."

I wiped my nose on the back of my wet sleeve. Hakkai was just trying to help me, like always, but I hated feeling like I was falling apart in front of him, especially since he had so much bigger problems than my inability to smoke. He needed me to be able to watch his back, not start screaming about nothing and freak out on him.

"Okay."

"Now then." He kept his grip on my arm, stood and helped me to my feet, "If you're feeling all right, I think we should return to camp."

I didn't feel all right. Far from it. There was this horrible tightness in my chest and my legs felt like they were going to give out, my whole mouth hurt, my chest, my ribs, my head; I felt like I was going to hurl all over him. I just wanted to die. That would be easier.

Either way, we started to make our way back toward the camp, picking our way back along the trail Deshi and I had followed. Before long, we were on the main road again. Goku was hanging out there. He came over as soon as he saw us, "Ya' finally quit screamin'?"

"Goku." Hakkai gave him a reproachful look.

"Sorry." The kid locked his arms behind his head as we began to walk down the road, "I just mean…you're okay, right?"

"Never been better." I muttered.

"What were ya' freakin' out for anyway? 'Cause ya' fell down the well?"

"I just need a cigarette. And for your information, I did not _fall_ down the well."

He gave me a wide-eyed look, "So Jade really did push ya'?"

"No, she pushed Deshi in. I jumped."

"Ohhh." He turned to Hakkai, "So what're we gonna' do about it?"

Hakkai kept walking, looking straight ahead, "I'm afraid there's nothing we can do."

"What are you talking about?" I demanded. "We can kick her ass!"

"Theoretically. But we do need her help with Ryptcore."

"Screw _that_, Hakkai! That bitch is way more trouble than she's worth, and the next time I see her, I'm gonna' kill her!"

Hakkai frowned, "Deep breaths, Gojyo."  
"Right, right." I said under my breath. "Deep fucking breaths." What was with him anyway? He didn't want to kick Jade's ass even after all the trouble she'd caused us, and especially him. I was sort of afraid of why that might be.

Goku changed the subject suddenly, "Anyway, why don't'cha just get Sanzo ta' give ya' some cigarettes? He's still got like half a pack left."

"Tried that. Selfish asshole won't give me any."

"Oh my. Only half a pack?" Hakkai interrupted. "In that case, I hope we reach the next town soon—I'd rather not deal with Sanzo when he's going through nicotine withdrawals."

I didn't want to either. Dealing with Sanzo normally was bad enough.

We made it back to camp, where the cranky-ass priest himself was waiting for us impatiently. He glared right at me as I walked by, "You just keep slowing us down, don't you, Kappa?"

Oh I was so not in the mood.

"Excuse me? What the fuck did you just say to me?"

He was smoking a cigarette, go figure, and when he spoke it was really obvious he was going out of his way to pick a fight with me. "If you hadn't gone and gotten yourself stuck at the bottom of an ancient well we would have left by now."

"I did _not_ get myself stuck at the bottom of a well."

"Goku and Hakkai were pretty frantic to rush off and save your ass. The kid said you were stuck down there. And now I see you're soaking wet. So I think you did get stuck at the bottom of a well, and therefore delayed our departure. Again."

"Again? It's not my fault we didn't get to leave at the ass crack of dawn. And when have I ever 'delayed our departure' in the past?" I demanded.

"Yesterday. The day before yesterday. The day before that. It's always something with you."

"Yeah? You're keeping track of that, are you? Well, in that case, I distinctly remember a certain, idiotic priest wandering off by himself and almost getting killed by a giant clan of youkai."

His eyes narrowed. "In any case, it's your fault we can't use Jeep in the first place."  
"How the hell is that my fault, asshole?"  
"You insisted on bringing all these extra people with us. That makes it your fault."

"These _five_ extra people would get murdered if we didn't take 'em with us!"

"And you think I give a shit about a handful of worthless children of taboo?"

"Hell no! I know you don't give a shit about anything but this balls-eating quest!"  
He got up suddenly.

I couldn't help flinching. I was in too much pain to get hit right now.

His eyes were like steel. "This quest is the only thing that matters."

"To you."

"I just don't understand. If they matter so much to you why don't you just take them and go away?"

"You'd just love that, wouldn't you?"

"Wake up, would you? You're wasting your time, Gojyo; you already got most of them killed. Apparently you won't be happy until every single one of them is dead."

It was such an insanely vicious thing to say, I couldn't even think of a response. In truth, I wanted to start screaming again, and I felt my feeble grip on composure beginning to slip.

He went on, "What do you think you're going to prove by helping them? Do you think you can make up for the fact that the others are all dead?"

I didn't want to think that was what I was doing—it definitely wasn't what I meant to do—but I wondered if subconsciously that could be my ulterior motive. "What are you saying I should have done? Let the kid drown down there?"  
"I'm saying you need to get your priorities straight." He shoved past me suddenly and walked away.

Such a prick. I wasn't sure I could keep dealing with him.

Furious, I sat down on a log and watched as everyone else got ready to move out, and I stayed there until it was time to go.

Walking today seemed even worse than the day before. I felt completely out of sorts mentally, emotionally I was just pissed at pretty much everything, and my whole body hurt. I mean, damn, it was bad enough that my ribs and sternum were all broken, but the nicotine fit was just the icing on the cake. I tried to distract myself, like Hakkai suggested, but there was nothing to do but talk to other people, and I didn't have anything to say to anyone. I drank as much water as I could, but we had a really limited number of containers, so there was no way I could get enough to help with the withdrawals. As it turned out, taking deep breaths was all I could do, and it definitely wasn't enough.

I kept my eyes opened for that bitch, Jade; when I saw her again, I was going to give her something to cry about, even if I had to break myself to do it, and no one was gonna' stop me.

Of course she was nowhere to be seen, the coward.

Lei tried to talk to me a few times. She was nicer than she'd been in the past, and she acted sympathetic about the nicotine withdrawals, and for some reason having a woman fuss over my hardship was really comforting, so whenever we stopped for breaks I was all too happy to sit back and let her cater to my needs and sweep the hair away from my eyes and touch my arm or my face. Maybe if I fucked her it would relieve some of my frustration.

Irritatingly enough, I realized that I probably shouldn't even think about fucking her when my ribs were broken.

No sex for me. No sex, no booze, no cigarettes. I didn't even know what to do with myself.

For the first part of the day, Deshi was kind of quiet and jumpy, but by the time we stopped for lunch, he was back to his old self, running around like we were in a parade and exploring whenever he got the chance, and chattering at anyone who'd tolerate him. I noticed that he and Goku were pretty good friends. That made sense, since they had the same maturity level. Still, most of the time he was milling around either Lei or me, and when we were together, he was definitely there, hanging off me or holding her hand or just walking between us, listening as we talked. I could almost see why he wanted us to hook up—it would be like having a family. A bad ass, partying hellion of a dad, and a smoking-hot babe of a mom, and neither of us a day over twenty-four.

"He really likes you." Lei told me, when Deshi was out of hearing range, jogging a ways ahead of us and talking Hakkai's ear off.

"Everybody really likes me." I said, thinking of what Deshi had said this morning.

Lei giggled, "Maybe. But I mean he looks up to you."

"Heh. Yeah, he said I remind him of his brother."

"I think it's more than that."

I didn't want it to be more than that—this thing was getting out of control with Deshi looking up to me and saying they all needed me, and Lei thinking I was a nice guy, liking me, and all of them wanting me to take Feng's place and lead them somewhere safe. They were all putting way too much faith in me, and there was nothing I could do about it. It wasn't like I'd sugarcoated who I was for them, it just seemed like they didn't want to accept that I couldn't even begin to be anything they needed.

I'd always lived a punk's life, just like I told Hakkai four years ago, and I fully intended to walk into the next town, buy a carton of cigarettes and a twelve pack of beer, find a chick to fuck, and continue on with my punk's life. I couldn't be Deshi's dad—I'd make a shitty big brother at best—and I definitely couldn't settle down with Lei, brace up, get a crappy, honest job and make ends meet.

_I just can't grow up._ I thought wryly.

"I wanted to thank you." Lei said, laying her hand on my arm gently, "You saved his life."

"I just did what anyone would do." Except for Sanzo, who would apparently stand by heartlessly as the kid drowned down there if he even thought helping him might slow down his progress westward.

She smiled at me, "I'm glad you did it. We all need to stick together at a time like this, don't you think?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

Unless for some reason sticking together got us all killed.

Night came, and not soon enough as far as I was concerned, and by the time Sanzo decided we should stop for the night, I was dead tired. Even then, I had to help set up camp and collect firewood, which sucked when all I wanted to do was lie down next to Lei and go to sleep.

Grimly, I realized tomorrow the nicotine fits would probably be even worse. I might be completely incapacitated by morning, at the rate things were going. Even as I was knocking around the outskirts of camp, picking up twigs and branches, I felt ready to drop and go into a coma.

"Shit, if this's how it is, I'm never quitting smoking."

"You probably should have quit a long time ago."

I turned to see Dokugakuji coming up behind me, scowled at him. Considering how my day had been, this was the last thing I needed. "Oh, you think so?"

"Actually, you probably never should have started smoking in the first place, you little shit head."

Today was just dripping with situations I wasn't in the mood for. I turned back to collecting firewood, sort of hoping he'd get the hint and just go away, "Yeah, well you of all people should know why I started in the first place."

He sounded genuinely bewildered, "I should? I have no idea-"

And the very last thing I was in the mood for was being delicate. "Mom, asshole. Mom."

That shut him up. I don't know if he felt guilty or just sorry for me, or what, but as long as he kept his mouth shut it was good enough for me. Too bad it seemed like he was determined to keep standing there.

My ribs ached as I snatched up another twig, and I barely contained a groan, felt even pissier now that there was someone to watch me struggle through the disgustingly easy chore of picking up sticks. "What the hell do you want?" I demanded.

"I don't want anything."

"Everybody wants somethin'."

Déjà vu. I thought I said that to Hakkai not that long ago. Of course, Dokugakuji didn't have anything half as witty or scathing to say as Hakkai had.

"I don't." He insisted.

"Then why are you here? Shouldn't you be babysitting your lord or whatever?"

The big, stupid ass looked over his shoulder like he was checking to make sure Kougaiji was still where he was supposed to be. "No. Actually…I came to see if you might want some help."

"Help? Help with what?"

"The firewood."

Normally I think I would have thrown the pile in my arms down at his feet and said 'help yourself', but tonight I was just too annoyed, and my mood seemed to be skipping from fierce independence to pathetic neediness without warning. Just one more God awful affect of not having any smokes.

"I didn't ask for your help—I don't need it. Thanks but no thanks. Have a nice night."

"Don't be like that, Gojyo." He was closer now, and for the life of me I couldn't figure out what his angle was.

"I can gather some goddamn firewood, _Dokugakuji_." I stumbled over a fallen tree, nearly fell on my face, went right on gathering firewood, pretending I hadn't just tripped all over myself in front of him.

"I know, I didn't say you couldn't, but-"

"But what?"  
"I heard your ribs are broken…on top of going through the nicotine withdrawals-"

"That doesn't make me useless, you know. This is still easy as a slut on a down town corner after midnight."

"I just think maybe it would be better if you took it easy for-"

"I don't need to take it easy. Fuck off."

"Man, you're really in a bad mood, aren't you?" I could almost see that amused, stupid-ass look on his face, like I was some damn kid.

"Hell, even if I weren't I wouldn't want anything from you, especially not your help. So take off." I added under my breath, "That's what you do, isn't it?"

"Gojyo, I-"

I flung the firewood to the ground and turned to glare at him, "Oh, c'mon, Jien, go to hell, would you? What the fuck is this? I ain't seen you in ten years, when I do run into you you're playing on the other team, and now, out of nowhere, you're all in my face like everything's the way it used to be, acting like you're still my goddamn big brother!"

He stood there a while, looking absolutely shocked and bewildered before he finally stammered, "W-well, I…I am, aren't i?"

"No." I growled. "No. My brother's name was Jien. He took off eleven years ago without saying a word to me, I ain't seen him since, and I don't care if I never see him again. Got it, _Dokugakuji?_" Part of me knew it wasn't true, but fuck if I cared right then.

Jien frowned. "Just relax, alright? Damn, I swear, you're gonna' have a nervous breakdown, or something. Fine, forget about the firewood, how's that? I won't help you. I won't even think about it." He took a seat, uneventfully, on the log I'd tripped over.

I didn't move for a moment. It was irritating that he was just dropping it like that when he'd gotten me so worked up. It was irritating to be so worked up in the first place. It was irritating that he was there to begin with. It was irritating that I was the one Hakkai had asked to get firewood when he knew damn well how miserable I was. Shit, everything was irritating.

After a while, I knelt down to pick up the wood I'd dropped.

That guy started talking again, "So. Let's talk about something else."

"Like what?"

"What's up with your group? Everybody seems totally on edge."

"What the hell do you care? You're the enemy."

"Yes, but right now we have a common enemy, and it would be nice to know if the four of you are going to fall to pieces on us."

"We're not falling to pieces, Jien…_Dokugakuji_. There's just a lot of shit going on."

He was silent a moment longer, "Your buddy. Hakkai. He seemed pretty out of control the other night."

That was an understatement. I tried to downplay it anyway, "Well, he wasn't."

"He was trying to kill Sanzo, wasn't he?"

There was no denying that. I didn't even feel like denying it just for the helluv it like I normally would have. Right now I felt like throwing up.

"Like I said. There's a lot of shit going on."

"Goku was out of control too. He's always out of control, isn't he? Last time I saw him that way, he almost killed, oh, I don't know, all of us."

I didn't answer. It sounded like he was getting at something specific, but I didn't have the energy to try to figure it out ahead of time. Might as well let him spoon feed it to me.

"Sanzo's tense. Is that 'cause the two of them are going crazy?"

"They aren't going crazy." I snapped.

"Either way, it looks like he's got his hands full; maybe that's why he's taking his frustration out on you."

"Hey." I stood up and glared at him again, "If you have something to say, feel free to share any time now."

Dokugakuji toyed with a twig he'd picked up, digging it into the dirt slowly and scribbling something. "Everything's really unstable, isn't it, Gojyo? I won't even go in to the way you were acting this morning."

"I had to pull myself out of the deepest well built by mankind. No shit I was a little less than calm."

"I know. I'm not bustin' on ya'. I just wanted to make sure you see what's going on with your friends."

"I'm not an idiot."

Finally, he looked almost as irritated as I felt, "Quit getting all defensive on me—I'm tryin' ta' help you, dumbass."

"I already said I don't need help from you."

"Just tell me something, why are you with those guys in the first place? How'd you meet them? How'd you wind up in the middle of this thing with Gyumaoh and the revival?"

"It doesn't matter does it?"

"I think so."

"You tell me how you wound up sucking Kougaiji's dick, and I'll tell you how I wound up where I am."

Oh, he didn't want to talk about that. He looked down at the ground suddenly. "Okay, so maybe it doesn't matter how; but why are you sticking with them? I mean, they got you gathering firewood when you're injured, and sick, more or less-"

"For the last time, the firewood is _not_ a big deal."

"I just wonder if maybe they don't fully appreciate you, Goj."

I was so fucking close to throwing the wood down again and beating him senseless, but I bit my tongue and tried to take a few deep breaths instead.

_Fuck you, Hakkai. You and your fucking deep breaths._

"Look." He went on presently, "I know you didn't ask for my opinion, but eleven years ago, you were my kid brother. It's hard to wake up eleven years later and see you the way you are now and get it through my head that you don't need me anymore, so just humor me this one time, because enemies or not, it's obvious that nothing is normal right now.

"I don't know why you're in the middle of this thing, but I know it ain't your fight, and if you're anything like you were eleven years ago, I know you have a lot of things you'd rather be doing than gathering firewood for Sanzo.

"Sanzo's not going to win this little war, Gojyo. I've seen how determined Kou is…I know what Sanzo has to go through at Houtou castle. I don't think he can do it. I think the four of you are going to get yourselves killed over nothing. Call me crazy, but I don't think I want to watch you die. Why don't you get out of this thing while you can?"

The irritation was lifting, and now I just felt…lost. I couldn't quite get my fuzzy thought process around what he was saying. I couldn't quite grasp what he was trying to do. But I knew a lot of it made sense… I decided to hear him out.

"Those people back there…that girl and the kid, the others…they're like you. Remember? When you were little you used to bitch because nobody was ever like you. I know you thought no one in the world would ever get it. But they get it. And they need you."

"What do they have to do with it?" I asked dully, like I didn't already know.

"You could go with them." He said simply.

"Why would I want to do that?"  
"Because of everything I just said."

I sighed, "It's not that simple, Jien."

"No, you're not letting it be that simple, Gojyo."

Walk out on the guys? Split? Ditch the team and run off with Lei?

He stood up. He could tell he was getting to me. "You're going to die in a fight you don't care about. You're what, twenty-two?"

"Twenty-three." I answered tiredly.

Jien whistled, "That's pretty young, Goj. You wanna' die at twenty-fucking-three? Or do you wanna' maybe live a normal life and get to be an old man some day?

I wasn't thinking clearly enough to deal with this. Everything was so much easier when I had a cigarette to help me through it.

Jien lingered a moment before saying, "Just think about it, Gojyo." Then he patted me on the back—really lightly, just in case the impact shattered me—and walked away, back the way he came.

Leave it to Jien to make everything even more frustrating than it had to be.


	15. Chapter 15

**Okay, I've finally made up my mind to get serious with this, figure out a direction, and get moving with it. These next few chapters will be sort of filler-ish, but hell, it's a fanfic, I realized people just want to read about the charactes, so I shouldn't let my perfctionism get in the way.  
Either way, get ready for the shit to hit the fan. Because it IS going to happen...  
**

* * *

**Hakkai**

I looked down at my long, horribly sharp claws and I saw the blood running off them, forming a gigantic pool around me. I was up to my knees in it now, and it was all around me, dripping and bleeding from the ceilings and the walls of the dark, dank cell. There was nothing here but me—I'd already destroyed everyone else—and so I stayed in this prison without an exit, alone. The bars were thick, black steel, so close together I had trouble squeezing my arm through, and beyond them was a narrow passage, dark as night. A foul wind blew up from that direction, carrying with it the scents of gore and rotting flesh and death. The stone walls were tall and sturdy, steel gray splashed and spattered with dull crimson, handprints swiped across them here and there, and there were chains hanging off them, heavy and broken and rusty and maniacal.

I sloshed through the blood to clutch at the bars, crying out in the despair and the anguish plaguing me, my own voice being the only tool I had to combat the loneliness.

Then, just like that, I was on the other side of those bars, with the dingy, little cell behind me and the reeking passage in front of me. The doorway had grown. Somewhere down the corridor, I heard a voice whisper to me laughingly. In that direction, I knew there was freedom.

I took a step. Then another. My foot hit a shape in the blood and I looked down to see I was surrounded by corpses. Dozens and dozens of bodies, pale and bloated and torn open, eyes and mouths still gaping. I recognized some of them. People I'd killed years ago. People I'd killed recently. I even saw my own friends floating there. Gojyo and Sanzo and Goku ripped in half, limbs torn off, blood streaking their white faces.

The sight made me gag, and I kept going, heading straight down that corridor, toward the whispering voice. I was running now, the hot, fresh blood splashing around me, staining my clothes and my skin and my hair until it was dripping off me by the bucketfuls, and I felt too heavy to even walk. And there were always more bodies to pick my way around or to trample over. Some of them followed me with their eyes or reached to grab me with dead, useless hands, but I continued to run, pulled free and broke through and raced down the hall, even though I couldn't so much as see where I was going.

I called out, but no one answered. My own voice echoed around me.

Finally, in the distance I saw a pale, green light penetrating the darkness, barely flickering somewhere in front of me, as if it were going to fade out soon. I ran all the faster, tripped and kept going.

Before I knew it, I'd come to a heavy, wooden door. The light was on the other side. I threw the door open and that fresh, soothing green flooded over me, practically carried me into the room.

Immediately I knew that I'd been here before. Everything was familiar: the cell, the feel of the stone walls, the smooth floor, the staircase in front of me, even the lanterns hanging on the walls. My heart was beating so quickly, I had to stop and try to catch my breath.

Jade was standing off to the side, sword in one hand, decapitated head in the other. She laughed and her green eyes glowed brightly, "It's too late, Cho Hakkai. If you take her, she will die—I'm the only one with strength enough to match your own."

"What do you mean?" I gasped, reaching up to feel my long, sharp ear. I felt the familiar shape of my limiter cuffs and realized they weren't working for some reason.

"Humans are far too delicate. Our two races were never meant to mix."

"But I am human!" I shouted.

Jade only laughed more. "You were once. Now it's too late."

"What do you know about any of this? None of it has anything to do with you!"

Grinning, she pointed toward the cell with her sword, "See for yourself."

"No. No, I don't want to look."

But my feet were already moving of their own accord, carrying me toward the cell, where I could barely make out the shape of a small, delicate figure.

My breath hitched. Then I couldn't breathe at all. My heart was pounding so hard, I thought it might burst out of my chest. "No…"

"Gonou…" She said. It was her voice, just the way I remembered it, exactly how I knew it. Sweet and gentle and full of tenderness and love.

"Kanan."

She was alive, standing there, shaded by the pale, green light, beautiful face illuminated and full of kindness as she smiled at me.

Pain lanced through my chest like someone had stabbed me. I felt blood gushing from my lips and running down my chin. I reached for her.

I ran to her.

She opened her arms, and I knew that if I could just touch her, just feel her, if I could only take her in my arms and hold her, everything would be okay. Everything would go back to normal, and everything beyond us and our love and what we'd made together, our lives and our ambitions, would just be a dream. Sanzo and the others wouldn't exist. Nothing would. We'd just live in our homemade paradise together. We'd take care of each other.

I reached for her with such aching in my heart.

With my lethal claws, I lashed out, felt them slice through flesh and felt more blood spurt across my face and the front of my shirt. Her wide eyes stared at me through the carnage as she fell backward. I slashed again and again, hacking her graceful, lovely body to pieces, and before long, she was just a shredded corpse, lying on the filthy, prison floor, blood mixing with that of so many others. All of it was blood on my hands. All of it was blood I had spilled.

And she was dead.

I woke up with a half-choked scream, tried to sit up too fast and fell back on the dirt; supporting myself on my elbows, I looked around. It was dark out, the fire was still blazing warmly, and I was surrounded by my companions, most of whom were sleeping peacefully. At the edge of camp I saw Goku walking carefully around the outskirts, twirling his bo and talking to Jeep softly. He hadn't noticed me waking up.

Beyond the camp, the trees were tall and black and frightful, and the silence that filled the woods was terrifying.

I sat there, shaking hard and looking down at my hands. Normal hands. Clean hands. Human hands.

_Kanan…_

With another low cry, I grasped at my stomach. My old scar was suddenly hurting, throbbing and aching like it did the day I got it. I held it tight and tried to breathe normally.

_What's happening to me?_

It had been a while since I'd had such a violent dream about Kanan. It was so terrible. All that blood, all the dead bodies, slain by my own hands… Never in my life had I dreamed about being the one to kill Kanan, and seeing myself tear through her and rip her apart, bit by bit, was nearly more than I could bear.

_It was just a dream._ I told myself.

And yet I felt like there were so many elements of truth in it. I could not deny that I was a killer, and that would never change. I could not deny that recently I'd been losing control of my own situation. I could not deny that I'd tried to kill all three of my friends, just because I had lost said control. If things kept going the way they were, I might not be able to regain that control, and I might actually lose my mind.

I didn't even want to consider that. Especially not right now. Not when it felt so possible.

_It's all that woman's fault. Ever since she came…_

I touched the wound again. The pain had receded to a dull ache, but it felt ready to flare up again at any given second.

That damn woman.

It was just one more thing I wanted to put out of my mind.

After I'd gotten some composure, I laid back again, staring up at the stars and trying not to think about everything that was going wrong. The night seemed peaceful, but life was threaded with terrible dangers and deceptions and hardships. More than ever, I felt as if our team were crumbling under the weight of some great, black shadow.

Perhaps I only felt that way because it was happening to me.

I looked over at Gojyo. It looked like he was sleeping pretty restlessly himself, and I imagined the nicotine withdrawals were affecting that as well. As far as I knew, he'd still been awake when I'd relinquished watch duty to Goku and gone to lie down.

It was distressing to see him so beside himself. Gojyo wasn't a calm person by any means. He was, generally, loud, obnoxious, rude, crude, and socially unacceptable. He thrived in social environments, and he certainly wasn't suited to sitting quietly. But he had a certain poise about him so that even if he did lose his temper, it was never terribly serious. Not at all like the irrational, borderline-hysterical Gojyo I'd seen this morning at the well. I hadn't seen him act that way in several years.

As a matter of fact, I believe the only time I'd ever seen him behave that way had been the one other time he'd gone through nicotine withdrawals. That was back when we were still relatively unused to living alongside one another, and I'd teased and betted my way into convincing him to give up smoking—temporarily, of course. It was little more than an experiment, although, secretly I had hoped he might quit permanently since I was tired of being constantly engulfed in a cloud of white smoke. At any rate, he'd taken the bet, because Gojyo never turned down a challenge, and I'd learned that early on when I saw that he'd always play cards with me if I asked him to, regardless of being aware that I was going to be the victor every time. I believe he'd gone a whole twenty-two hours without smoking, a great feat in and of itself, though I couldn't resist teasing him later that he was incapable of going even a full day without a cigarette. Naturally, I never tried that again, because he was quite impossible to live with for those twenty-two hours. He'd broken several pieces of our furniture and fought with me about more or less everything I said to him. He even went so far as to blame me for the miserable state he was in.

Not at all the fun-loving Gojyo I was used to. Eventually, I'd gotten so fed up with it, I'd gone to visit Goku and Sanzo instead, and after spending the better part of the day with them, returned home to find Gojyo smoking, a little drunk, and perfectly content.

I'm not sure which of us was more relieved.

_"Why on earth do you smoke so much?"_ I'd asked after watching him blaze through a whole pack in just one night.

Gojyo had just grinned at me, drunkenly, but also mischeviously, and with just a hint of remorse. _"What makes ya' think there's a reason, 'Kai?"_

But I'd known that there was. I could feel it. Not just in the smoking though, but in the irresponsible lifestyle and in the random, indiscriminate sex as well. I was, by no means, in any position to judge his actions, but I suppose I'd been concerned to watch someone march so steadily down such a blatantly self-destructive path. When he won poker hands at the local bar, life was good. When he lost hands, he lost everything, and before I came along, I suppose he just went without eating. It wasn't a healthy way to live, and I'd refused to believe it was arbitrary, but I wasn't very good at dreaming up accurate explanations for why Gojyo was so bent on putting himself in an early grave. Up until our bet, I'd chalked it up to recklessness and was careful not to comment.

It wasn't long afterward though that a few small but none-the-less disturbing details about his childhood had slipped through. I suppose something about having an inherently, relentlessly abusive stepmother had driven him to take up a number of somewhat inappropriate outlets for stress, anger, and self-hatred.

Unfortunately most of those habits had stayed with him all the way into adulthood, and he was still attached to them now.

Clearly his aptitude for living a nicotine-free life had not improved, but if we moved quickly tomorrow, we could reach the next town before nightfall, and then he could smoke and drink and gamble and fornicate to his heart's content.

It was odd to be having all these thoughts at a time like this. Albeit, I was concerned for Gojyo—especially concerned that he wouldn't do very well at all in a fight against Ryptcore in this condition—but at the moment there were a lot of things more important than our personal history to be considered.

Then again, those more important issues were dangerous to even think about, and if I started chasing all the inner demons around in my head, I knew I'd be worse off than ever. It was just easier to think about something that had nothing to do with me. It was simpler to recollect the past and muse on Gojyo's hardships, because in the end, I didn't have to worry about resolving them.

'_Do you think not thinking about something is just another way to run away from it?'_

Maybe it was. Maybe that's what I was doing now. But I knew better. There was no way I'd ever be able to outrun all my problems, and there was certainly no escape from my past or the atrocities I'd committed so many years ago.

Feeling more hopeless than ever, I sat up again, held my head in my hands. "If I don't fix this, what will happen?"

Eventually…

I felt my round, human ear and my limiter cuffs.

Eventually, I really would go berserk, and then I'd wind up hurting my friends. Nothing in the past would matter anymore; when I was berserk, would I care that I had ever loved a human girl named Kanan? Would I even remember such a thing?

Exhausted by the bleak thoughts, I got up and went to stir the fire and stare into the flames and try to empty my mind.

I was there a long, long time. Once or twice, I think I dozed off again, but my sleep was filled with even more violent, murderous dreams, and I never slept for very long.

After a while, Goku came over to me, "Hey, Hakkai. Uh, what'cha doin'?"

"Hm." I smiled up at him, regardless of how exhausted I felt. "Nothing. Why don't you go ahead and get some sleep, Goku? I'll keep watch."

"Yeah? But ya' just had the last shift. It's Gojyo's turn now."

I glanced back at Gojyo, wondering just how irritated nicotine-deprived Gojyo would be if we woke him up when he'd finally gotten to sleep. "I'm afraid I'm not very tired." I explained. "And it looks to me as if he could use the rest."

"Guess so. Man, he's real crazy without his cigarettes."

I laughed to myself, even though I didn't feel like laughing in the least, "He is, isn't he? Hopefully tomorrow we'll reach a town where he can buy more."

"Good. Then thing's'll be more normal." Goku sat down beside me and flopped down in the dirt. "Right?"

"I certainly hope so."

Goku murmured a while longer about being hungry and how he couldn't wait for breakfast and wouldn't hush until I promised him eggs and bacon, which clearly I couldn't possibly provide. Eggs, perhaps. Bacon was a definite impossibility at this point. With that promise in his head though, he went to sleep with a smile on his face.

The night wore on, and I watched the moon set and the sun begin to rise, thinking and trying not to think, forcing myself to stay awake, no matter how tired I was feeling. By the time the birds were singing again, I felt like an absolute nervous wreck.

Sanzo was awake not long after that. He looked cranky and tired as usual, got up, cracking his back and scraping his fingers through his hair in a very uncharacteristic manner.

"Did you sleep well?" I asked quietly.

"Hn."

"I think it was a long night for all of us, but at least there weren't any attacks."

"Hn."

"At any rate, I'm sure you'll want to be setting out soon. With any luck, we'll reach the next town today. Going on foot does waste a good deal of time, I'm afraid."

"Hn…"

I considered his tired face a moment. Sanzo certainly wasn't much of a conversationalist in the morning. At last, I stood up, legs feeling somewhat stiff from sitting in the same position for so long. "Lei said we'd reach their village by noon today. I realize you're anxious to keep moving, but I hope you don't mind if we wait for Gojyo to return after escorting them there."

At last he answered intelligibly, "What makes you think he's coming back, Hakkai?"

That was a good question. I guess I was well aware that Gojyo could go and wind up staying there with Lei and Deshi and the others. Provided they sold cigarettes there.

I couldn't help looking down at him again. He finally looked like he was sleeping peacefully, and something within me stirred. I didn't want to think about going on and finishing this journey without him, and if I was next in line to be berserk, I definitely wanted him to be there to face that with me, and yet, at the same time, if I _was_ going to go berserk, maybe it would be for the best if he wasn't around.

"I don't know…but I'd at least like to wait and find out if he will or not."

Sanzo shook his head a little, but I couldn't tell if it was because he was still trying to wake up or if he simply disapproved of what I was saying. "What about you, Hakkai? What are you going to do?"

"Come now." I frowned at him. "I intend to keep going west with you and Goku, regardless of whether or not he-"

"I'm not talking about that."

I suppose I'd known that all along. I simply couldn't make out why he'd want to discuss this right here right now, although, then again, I knew how stressful this situation for Sanzo was. I'd seen how he kept checking his empty gun and looking over his shoulder, and I'd noticed that the wrinkles between his eyebrows were deeper and his frown was more defined, and over all he looked discontent and nervous. But it made sense when Ryptcore was hunting us down, and Kougaiji and Jade were both hanging around, and now we couldn't even drive until we got the rest of the hanyou home. On top of that, I'm sure he was well aware that his team mates were all in a precarious state.

Well, Goku seemed to be holding up, though I wasn't sure after all the questions he'd been asking the other night. If we had to fight Ryptcore again—or if I went berserk and my friends had to fight me—or if Jade turned on us, Goku would undoubtedly find himself in a position where he'd have to remove his diadem to win, and dealing with the Seiten Taisei was never good news.

Sanzo's stress level must be off the charts, knowing all that.

"I don't know." I answered at last, "I don't see how you can very well expect me to have an answer to that, Sanzo. Particularly when I'm not entirely sure what's happening to me."

He met my gaze steadily, "Do you think the minus wave is affecting you, even with your limiter on?"

The intense way he said it made my heart start pounding again. "I-I don't know…"

"You know. You aren't like other youkai—you used to be human—so I think that's what's kept you from being affected, up until now."

But something about Jade being around was making me feel less and less human and more and more like a youkai. Maybe that meant the minus wave _was_ affecting me. And if it was, there was nothing I could do.

I tried to shrug it off, "Whatever happens, I understand your position on the matter, Sanzo. I trust you to do whatever you have to do, in the event that I…well, you know."  
"Believe me, I won't hesitate."  
"And do you expect to do well, going on with only Goku and Gojyo?"

"I expect to do well, even without Goku and Gojyo."

I knew he was lying, not because his tone betrayed him or anything, but because I knew Sanzo couldn't possibly be so stupid as to believe that. However, what galled me was that he just assumed that by the time he reached India he'd be alone.

"I can't think of any circumstance that would keep at least one of them from being there."

He scoffed and lit up the first cigarette of the day, and I saw that he too was running quite low on them. "The way things are now, I'd be stupid to assume that any of you are going to stick around for the rest of the mission."

I was beginning to feel angry. "None of us are allowing these things to happen on purpose, Sanzo, so you might do us the courtesy of at least giving us the benefit of the doubt. We are, after all, your allies, so it would be decent of you to try to trust us for a change."

Sanzo glowered at me, resentfully almost. "I know better, Hakkai."

I wasn't entirely sure how to respond to that, but I lowered my voice and tried to be sympathetic. After all, I understood why he was feeling this way. Even if it was ridiculous. "Sanzo, don't be so pessimistic. We're your team mates. Albeit, the four of us don't always get along perfectly, but I believe that our bonds have been tested harshly enough to prove that it will take much more than this for all of us to simply turn on you in a moment's notice. We are threaded together by more than the orders of the Three Aspects."

He blew a puff of smoke into the clear morning air, arrogantly, almost. "The only one I know I can trust is myself, and it has to stay that way."

I sighed and decided to give this one more shot before going to try to find eggs for Goku, "Sanzo…what is this really about?"

"It's about you three lunkheads letting your personal history interfere with the mission."

"I know that isn't true. I've seen how anxious you've been lately, and yet I can't help but feel that you're the only one who's just waiting for things to fall apart. The rest of us are determined to weather through it."

He didn't answer to that.

"Is there something more?" I questioned softly. "Even before all this trouble started with Ryptcore and Jade I've felt that something might be bothering you." I remembered how he'd fought with Gojyo in the marketplace and realized even more so just how unlike Sanzo that really was. "You seem on edge."

Sanzo didn't appreciate my concern in the slightest. He threw down his cigarette, only partially smoked and snarled at me, "There's nothing else. Why don't you try minding your own business for once, Hakkai?"

Before I could even answer, he was storming away to God knows where. Hopefully when he returned he'd be in a better mood.

I sighed again. So much for trying to talk to Sanzo about anything other than which route to take. The man had an unbelievably thick wall to try to go through, and I knew there were countless demons and skeletons on the other side of it. He was definitely the team mate I knew the least about, and still I had a sense of just how weighty his baggage really was.

For the first time I noticed that Goku and Gojyo were both sitting up, side by side, watching me without a word. They looked vaguely nervous, and I wondered what sort of expression I was wearing.

I smiled at them, "How much of that did you hear?"  
Gojyo shrugged and then sniffed, "Didn't have to hear much to know we ain't appreciated."

Goku seemed a bit more upset, "Does Sanzo really think we're all gonna' abandon him?"

"It would seem so, Goku."

"Bah, so maybe we should." Gojyo said angrily. "If that's what he expects why don't we just dump his unholy ass and go back home?"

Goku looked at him worriedly, "We can't leave Sanzo…"

"_I_ can leave Sanzo."

"Are you going to?" I asked bluntly. I was getting very tired of wondering about whether or not Gojyo was going to stick around, and I was certainly tired of not getting an answer.

He was quiet a moment, then he muttered, "Well I can't exactly leave _you_ like this, can I, you bastard?"

"I'm afraid I have no idea what you're referring to."

"'Course not. Why would you?"

"Guys!" Goku interrupted loudly, "What about Sanzo? I mean, none of us're gonna' ditch 'im, right? How do we get 'im ta' believe us?"

Gojyo stood up slowly, holding his ribs and wincing, "Fuck, what's the point?"

"'Cause-"

"Look Goku." Gojyo said harshly, "Who gives a shit? That asshole doesn't give a rat's ass about any of us. All he cares about is getting to India on time—not you, not Hakkai, and sure as shit not _me._ He's gonna' shoot the two of you if he even _thinks_ you're berserk, how'dya' like that?"

"Gojyo!" I scolded.

"Well, it's true, Hakkai. The bastard told me that himself."  
"You don't need to tell us that." I said coldly. He especially didn't need to say so to Goku.

"I think you deserve to know what an asshole he is, that's all! I don't think you need to waste any sympathy on him when he's just waiting to kill you both!"

"Shut up!" Goku yelled suddenly, elbowing Gojyo in the ribs. It definitely wasn't a very hard strike, but it was enough to hurt when his ribs were broken. "Quit talkin' like that, Gojyo! Sanzo doesn't _wanna' _kill us, and he's not gonna'!"

"Unless he has to." I amended gently.

Goku's eyes were burning, "He's not gonna' hafta' kill us! You're not goin' berserk, Hakkai, an' I'm not either! The minus wave ain't affecting either of us, stuff's just weird right now!"

Gojyo recovered from the bop in the ribs and shoved Goku suddenly, "Quit deluding yourself, you little asshole! Your beloved Sanzo is a class-A, type one, textbook example _dick_! You're stupid if you think he actually gives a shit about you or anything else!"  
"I told ya' to shut up!" Goku screamed, pushing him back. "Just 'cause you guys don't like each other doesn't mean Sanzo doesn't care about anything!"

Gojyo laughed in his face, meanly, "You actually think that bastard cares about _you_, Goku? You actually think that if it came down to helping you get back to normal or going on to India he'd pick _you_?God, you've been hit on the head way too many times!"

Goku choked. He sounded terribly upset. "Shut up! Shut up! You don't know anything! You don't know anythin' about Sanzo!"

"I know he told me he'd shoot Hakkai without even thinking about it! Am I supposed to just ignore that? Am I supposed to think he's some misunderstood sweetheart? If that asshole shot either of you, I swear to God I'd-"

"Gojyo." I crouched down and picked up the cigarette Sanzo had dropped. It had gone out for the most part, but there was still a little more than half of it left. "You're really something without your cigarettes."

"It's just the truth, Hakkai!"

"Here." I offered the Marlboro to him. "Granted, Sanzo had it in his mouth for a while, but if I may be so bold, you can't exactly afford to be picky right now."

He snatched it from me without a thought and put it in his mouth, but his hands were so shaky, and he was so anxious to smoke it, he couldn't even get his lighter lit, so I had to take it and light the cigarette for him.

"There." I handed the lighter back to him. "Now I suggest you calm down."

Gojyo sucked a giant drag off the cigarette, almost choked, and held his breath a long, long time.

I faced Goku, who was staring down at the ground now, hair shading his eyes from view. "Goku…don't listen to him. He's completely overwrought."

Goku didn't answer. He shoved past us both and stomped away, likely following Sanzo.

"Apparently everyone's a little overwrought." I corrected myself lightly.

"I wasn't tryin' to upset him." Gojyo said, taking another, slower drag.

What in the world was he trying to accomplish then? Rather than favoring him with an answer, I smiled, "I'm off to find eggs for Goku. You're welcome to come, or you can stay here and do your best to pull your head out of your ass." Without another word, I was off, not surprised to hear him come after me a second or two later.

Jeep swept down from the sky and landed on my shoulder lightly, and I scratched the top of his head, "Ah, I could use your help, little one. I promised Goku eggs, so look for a nest, if you don't mind."

Chirping happily, Jeep lifted off again and flew up into the tree branches.

"You're actually gonna' rob some bird's nest?" Gojyo demanded.

I looked over my shoulder at him, "I promised Goku eggs. Did you perhaps stumble upon a market no one else is aware of where I could purchase some? If so, please say so, and we'll go immediately. I'll buy you a whole carton of cigarettes myself."

"Alright, alright, I know. I was an asshole."

"I said nothing of the kind." I flicked at my limiter, wishing there were some way to escape these petty issues.

"No, but I know I was."

"You didn't need to say those things to him, is all."  
"Well, doesn't it bother you?"

"I am already well aware that if I lose my sanity, Sanzo, and the rest of you, will likely be forced to kill me, and I've made my peace with that. Goku knows it as well; he'd have to be incredibly oblivious not to know. That being said, it is not my favorite fact of life, and it can't possibly be Goku's either. It would just be nice if you wouldn't go shoving it in our faces simply because you can't have a cigarette and you don't like Sanzo.

"Honestly, the scene at the well yesterday morning was bad enough—you did your honest best to punch my lights out when I asked if you were all right—and today you told Goku that Sanzo is a heartless, time-obsessed killer who's going to likely shoot him without so much as a warning. You and I both know that's true, but in case you hadn't noticed, Sanzo means the world to Goku."

I toyed with the cuffs and thought about my dream. Why in the world did I have to be the one to keep everyone from killing one another when I had so many of my own problems to attend to? At this point, it would be nice to unwind. It would be nice to not have to worry about any of this. It would feel good to be relieved of my oh so human heart.

"In the future I recommend you keep your nicotine-deprived ravings to yourself." I pulled at the first cuff, honestly considering removing it. It was a sudden, inexplicable urge I wasn't sure I could resist. "After all, just because you're miserable doesn't mean-"

Gojyo was suddenly right beside me. He slung his arm around my neck in a very familiar manner, but I felt him lock his hand around my wrist and pry my own hand away from my ear. "Okay, man, you can quit with the riot act now. You tryin' to make me feel guilty, or do you just want an apology?"

I considered the cruel irony a moment, but only to distract myself from the overwhelming desire to remove my limiter.

"I'm sorry." He said roughly. "I'm sorry I tried to punch you for nothing yesterday, and I'm sorry I told Goku the inconvenient truth about great Lord Sanzo today. That make you happy? If you want, when we get back, I'll even apologize to the kid."

"I think you should."

"Then I will. Hell, Hakkai knows best, as usual." He smirked at me, but his hand was still tight on my wrist.

I tried to smile back. "My, look at that. A quarter of a cigarette and you're almost yourself again. It's nice to know you're so low maintenance, Gojyo."

"You know me. Gime' a beer, a pack of smokes, a babe, and I'm happy." He let go of my wrist at last and stepped out in front of me, "By the way, you should probably try not to take those off."

"I had no intention of doing so." I said half-heartedly. It didn't really matter if he believed me though. It was just something I had to say.

From the tree tops, Jeep sang out.

"Looks like he found a nest."

"Bring them on down, Jeep."

My dragon chirped agreeably, hooked his claws in the siding of the nest, and fluttered down to me. There were three eggs—nowhere near enough to feed Goku—fair sized and speckled. "I suppose this is enough to say I kept my promise."

"Why'd you promise him eggs anyway? You know, there _isn't_ a grocery store out here."

I laughed, "Well it was the only way I could get him to go to sleep."

"Shit. That kid's definitely higher maintenance than I am."

"Hm. I can't say I entirely agree with that."

"No way. I don't want all kinds of ridiculously fancy foods all the time. And I don't whine about everything like he does."

Laughing, I turned back in the direction of camp.

Jade was standing there, silent as the grim reaper, dark and beautiful in the morning air, with the yellow sunlight making her hair shine, her eyes sparkle and her fangs gleam behind ruby lips. There was blood on her hands and clothing, and she was holding what appeared to be a deer's leg, torn off at the shoulder.

When I saw her, I didn't feel like laughing anymore.

Gojyo was ballistic again, instantaneously. "You! You rotten, self-serving, psychotic bitch! You gotta' lot of nerve showing your face to me after yesterday! Who the fuck do you think you are? I'll kill you, you fucked up, little slut! Gime' half a chance, and I'll-"

I had to grab his arm for fear that if I didn't he'd actually attack her.

Jade laughed mockingly, "Brave, little half-blood. Did yesterday's game really upset you that much?"

"Game? How insane _are_ you? You pushed a kid down a well! He could have drowned!"

"It was a very serious situation." I agree faintly, feeling the pain in my old wound flare up and my heart begin to race again.

"I was only playing with you." She assured, sweetly almost, and then she leaned forward to pat Gojyo on the cheek, "After all, that's what you do with dogs. Wouldn't you agree, Cho Hakkai?"

I couldn't so much as swallow when she looked at me with her fantastic, hard, emerald eyes, and I thought of my dream again, feeling wilder than ever.

"I didn't think it was very fun." Gojyo snarled. I could feel how tense he was, how sincerely he wanted to tear into her.

"I'm sorry to hear that. Watching you drag yourself up out of that well was almost as amusing as watching you willingly throw yourself down into it, all for the sake of that little scrap of a mutt."

"You fucking-"

"Is there something we can help you with?" I demanded, finding my voice at last.

Jade mocked sadness, "You're not upset with me too, are you, darling? Not after I even went to get breakfast for you." She lifted the bloody, dripping deer leg for my inspection. "There's nothing like a little fresh blood to start the day."

Absurdly enough, the leg genuinely looked appealing to me, and as I stared at it, my mouth began to water.

"That's disgusting." Gojyo snapped.

"Oh, Sha Gojyo." She sighed plaintively, "It's tragic to see just how diluted your instincts are."

"Yeah, well at least I'm not completely insane."

"I must agree." I interjected. "I fail to see how pushing a child, of any race, down a well could possibly be construed as a game."

Jade stood face to face with me. "You don't see? Allow me to enlighten you." She suddenly wrapped her arm around my neck, pulling me close and nuzzling my neck with her nose. She whispered in my ear, hot breath feathering across my skin, "Humans and hanyou, they are nothing compared to us. You must feel it too. Consider the great power you have been given; your true form is more beautiful and glorious and violent than the sun itself. Consider _my_ power, or that of the Seiten Taisei, or of Ryptcore even. Have you ever met a human with such strength? Have you ever met a half-blood with such power?"

My breath hitched as she touched me, sliding her claws down the back of my neck.

"Have you, Cho Hakkai?"

She had a point. Granted, I had met some powerful humans—including Sanzo and Hazel—but they paled in comparison to Goku without his limiter. Gojyo was without a doubt the strongest hanyou I'd ever met. None of them were as powerful as I was. None of them as intelligent or quick.

"We rule on this planet." Jade went on softly, "We are the most highly evolved beings in existence, so we will play with and eat of the others as we see fit. That's why there is no shame in the blood we have spilled."

I closed my eyes and listened to the poisonously soft sound of her voice, feeling it flood through me, her words infiltrating my mind. I thought of my dream and all the blood that had filled it, the dead bodies that were piled up in it. Why should I feel ashamed of the kills I'd made? It was only a testament to how truly strong and skilled I was. How many men could say they'd bathed in the blood of one thousand youkai? Why shouldn't I take some pride in the strength that I had? Why shouldn't I-"

"Enough!" Gojyo seized Jade by the back of the shirt and tore her off me, whipped her around so that her feet actually left the ground, and flung her a back against a tree, where she slid to the ground with a thud. "I am so sick of your bullshit!"

I stared wide eyed, feeling a bit confused.

Jade was stunned for a moment, and then she stood up, glaring daggers at Gojyo and adjusting her clothing, "You may very well regret that some day, half-blood."

"I would love to see you try to make me regret that."

"Oh." She answered icily, "You are toying with a fire you do not fully understand, little dog. I told you before, didn't I? You should keep your head down."

"You wanna' put me in my place, bitch? Okay, bring it on. Anytime, anywhere. I'll make _you_ regret the day you were born."

They stood a moment, perfectly stiff and still, glaring hatefully into one another's eyes, a clash of green against red, and I did my best to orient myself. I'd definitely need my wits if this escalated into a fight.

Fortunately, Jade merely bared her teeth at him and threw her shoulders back, met my gaze again and said all too calmly, "I suggest you keep your dog on a shorter leash, Cho Hakkai, or else the wolf may snap him up under the full moon."

In a flourish of green and black, she dropped the deer leg, turned on her heel and vanished into the woods.

"_Fuck_ who does that bitch think she is?" Gojyo demanded angrily. I saw that he was holding his ribs again and panting a little.

I watched her go, even long after she was out of sight, and I felt immense disquiet mounting up in me. _Keep my dog on a shorter leash lest the wolf snap him up…_ It was a frightening thing to hear in more way than one: condescending because it implied that Gojyo was just an animal, too stupid for his own good, and demeaning because it suggested I had some sort of ownership over him. Beyond that though, there was a threat, the idea that, if he made her angry enough, she'd kill him. At the moment, it didn't matter very much whether or not she could, it only mattered to me that, currently, Jade had no interest in attacking any members of our team—aside from the revenge she'd sworn to exact from Sanzo, she seemed honestly committed to being our ally.

If she set her sights on Gojyo, I couldn't even fathom the awkward position that would put me in, personally.

"Why did you provoke her?" I asked quietly.

He turned to me disbelievingly, "Why did I _provoke_ her?"

"She's a very dangerous woman."

"And I ain't made of glass."

"I'm aware. At the moment though, she's an ally, not an enemy. It would be in our best interest if we could keep it that way a while longer."

"Fuck that! Have you lost your mind? Why the hell are you defending her?"

"I'm not." I said simply, reaching to touch my aching wound again. Suddenly, the woods seemed empty, and I felt restless and bored. Where did Jade go when she disappeared in such an abrupt manner? I wondered how she spent her days, even while traveling. Certainly not listening to a handful of mismatched team mates bicker over tiresome, little details. How would it feel to be so free?

Hardly aware of what I was doing, I fingered my limiter.

Gojyo grabbed my wrist again, a little harsher than before, "Hakkai!"

I laughed, doing my best to act normal, "Yes, yes, I know."

He stared at me intensely. "You're starting to really freak me out."

"Ah. Well I am sorry for that. Come along now. I'm sure Goku's waiting with baited breath for his eggs, as well as your apology."

We went back to camp, and neither of us said a word. When we arrived, the others were all awake, already preparing for the day ahead.

When Lei saw us, she came over, smiling brightly at Gojyo, "There you are! Isn't this exciting? Today's the day we reach the village."

I crouched down next to the fire, searching for a large, smooth stone to fry the eggs on, listening half-heartedly to their conversation.

"That's great. Will I be able to buy cigarettes there?"

She hesitated, clearly not sure of how to take his tone. I considered it myself; I had already noticed that Gojyo's interest in Lei seemed to come and go. Generally he was fickle—I'd never seen him do anything more than fool around with a woman—but seeing how Lei was the only eligible female around, I'd expect him to pay a bit more attention to her, and as far as I knew, he hadn't even slept with her so far.

"Um, I don't know. I don't see why not."

"Great, the sooner we get there, the better."

That settled that. Nicotine was always going to be his first love.

"Gojyo, I-"

"Sorry, babe." He interrupted. "I gotta' go talk ta' somebody real quick."

I watched as he stepped past her, walked across camp to approach Goku, who was sitting against a tree, arms folded over one knee, chin resting on his wrists. He looked to be lost in troubling thoughts. Gojyo stopped a few feet away from him, shoved his hands deep in his pockets and shifted his weight to one leg, then the other before brushing his hand back through his hair, and I knew he was doing his best to come up with a valid apology.

Cheerfully, I smiled up at Lei, who was also looking after him, with an expression of mild agitation. I got the sense she wasn't used to being blown off. "He just really needs a cigarette." I explained.

Lei looked down at me like I was a wild animal, and for a moment, I thought she'd turn, pick up her skirts, and storm away. Instead, she wrinkled her nose and said, "I don't understand him."

"Ah. He's…a difficult person to genuinely understand." I felt like it was only partially true. On the surface, Gojyo was simple. As he'd said, there were only three things he wanted, and if he had them, he was content. Reasons were a bit more difficult.

"He's not like the rest of us." She went on, and I knew she was referring to the other half-bloods. "I don't think he really…fits in, you know? I don't know what he's going to do in the village we're going to."

This pretentious woman evidently assumed Gojyo would be staying with them.

I broke open the first egg on the rock and listened as it sizzled. "Well, he's not necessarily_ trying_ to fit in with the rest of you."

She frowned spitefully, "Do you actually believe he's going to keep traveling with the three of you now that he's found us?"

"I have no idea what he's going to do, but I do know that if you try to force him to be something he isn't, he'll slip through your fingers." I finished arranging the eggs and rose to join Goku and Gojyo, who were already bickering about something inane. It was refreshing to see some normalcy for what felt like the first time in forever.

"Hakkai!" Goku screamed when he saw me coming, "Tell Gojyo ta' cut his hair!"

"Shut yer mouth, monkey! My hair is my business!"

Feigning disappointment, I turned to Gojyo, "I thought you came over here to apologize."

"I _did_ apologize! Then this inconsiderate chimp started callin' me girly 'cause my hair is long."

"He called me girly first!" Goku said quickly. "He told me I'm bein' a girl!"

"You were pouting over here all by yourself, and you wouldn't talk to me! Just like a butt-hurt girl!"

"Yeah, well you're all skinny and got long hair and stuff! You're way girlier than me!"

I held my hands up in a futile attempt to settle them down. "Now, now. I'm sure neither of you are nearly as feminine as you appear."

"That's right—wait, what?"

Gojyo scowled at me, "Says the guy with the pretty face."

"Let's not make personal comments, shall we? It's rude. At any rate, Goku, I've found some eggs for you. They should be ready shortly." I began to lead them back over to the fire, relieved to see that Lei had walked away, hopefully to engage in something more constructive. "I'm afraid I wasn't able to come by any bacon, unfortunately, but we do have some jerky left over from yesterday."

"Awe I'm tired of deer jerky." Goku whined.

"Well we're lucky Feng was able to make any before he…left us."

"When're we gonna' get to a town where we can eat?"

"Hopefully before nightfall."

"That's forever away! What about that village Lei's talkin' about? Can't we drop by an' see if they'll feed us?"

"We'll have to ask Sanzo."

Goku flopped down by the fire and watched the eggs frying, "I'm so hun-gry, Hakkai! An' I'm sick of jerky! I want meat!"

"Jerky is meat." I reminded him.

"I want _real_ meat!"

"God, Goku." Gojyo took a seat as well. "Quit whinin' like a girl. I'm the one who's suffering."

"I ain't whinin' like a girl!" Goku leaned over and yanked his hair, "Ya' girly Kappa!"

"Owe! What the hell? Would'ja' leave my hair alone?"

"I think ya' should cut it again!"

"Last time I cut it, you said it looked stupid."

"It looks stupid anyway."

"It's better than your shitty mop."

"My hair's cool! Only girl's have long hair, right, Hakkai?"

I gave the eggs a tentative poke, "Well…"

Gojyo glared at me. It was less than intimidating.

"Well, I think Gojyo's hair looks very nice on him."

They both gawked at me. "Ya' do?"

I could barely contain my laughter, "Yes, I believe it helps him get in touch with his feminine side."

"Oy! Where the hell dya' get off saying _that_, Hakkai?"

"If I recall correctly, when your hair was short you did even less cleaning and such around the house. Needless to say, I prefer it like this."

"Yeah, well I don't need to do any cleaning 'and such' as long as my maid is around to do it for me, am I right?" He smirked.

"Hm. I suppose that's true. Although, it might help if you weren't so obviously terrified of the maid."

"What can I say. _She's_ gotta' creepy smile."

Deliberately, I gave him the most charming smile I could muster, watched in satisfaction as both of them shuddered and immediately searched for something else to focus on.

"Man." Goku fell back, arms spread. "I'm starvin'…"

"The eggs should be finished soon."

Gojyo watched me poke at them, "Leme' guess. He gets all three."

"Well…I suppose that isn't exactly my call. Goku?"

Goku opened his mouth and gasped, like he was going to shout, and then seemingly changed his mind, "Naw, you can give one ta' ass-face. He's gonna' be extra bitchy without his cigarettes today anyway, right?"

"Oh." Gojyo sneered. "I get a whole _egg_? How generous."

"There are some people who'll be eating nothing but deer jerky all day." I reminded him casually, and I couldn't help thinking of the deer leg Jade had left in the woods.

"What, you wanna' split it with me?"

"No thank-you. Sharing an egg sounds a bit too intimate for my taste." I noticed Sanzo standing at the edge of the camp, watching the three of us with an odd expression. "I suggest you eat them quickly though. It appears we're ready to move out again."

The two of them fell to devouring the eggs, and I rooted around until I found what was left of the deer jerky. It was barely enough for the day, and I knew everyone was going to be hungry by the time we reached the next town. Besides that, it was dry and tasteless, and I couldn't help thinking it wasn't suitable for a creature of my sophistication. Fine for a human, but not for a youkai.

"_Your true form is more beautiful and glorious and violent than the sun itself…"_

Those words rattled through my brain like sound of water dripping in a dark, dank prison cell, and as I stared down at the hunk of jerky in my hand, I couldn't help but wish it were just a touch…bloodier.


	16. Chapter 16

**Okay, here we go.**

* * *

**Dokugakuji**

"What do you think, Dokugakuji?"

"Hard to say." I sighed, scanning the woods. "Everything's peaceful now."

"It's broad daylight. Maybe later tonight…"

"Kou, he was injured pretty bad last we saw him. Do you really think he'll come looking for a fight?"

"Ryptcore's insane, my friend." Kou was also looking all around, only he looked like a prince, walking confidently, chin up, not jerking his head back and forth like a squirrel. "Last I was aware, his brain doesn't register pain, and he doesn't feel remorse, or fear for that matter. That's what makes him such an efficient killing machine." His voice was calm too, but I knew he was more concerned than he was letting on.

"Think we can actually kill him?"

"If those four get their act together, I'd say we have a fighting chance."

We were walking a ways apart from the Sanzo ikkou—a few hundred feet behind them, I'd say—watching them carefully. Man, they were nothing but a noisy bunch of kids, if you asked me. Oh, sure they had their strengths, and it wasn't like they weren't formidable rivals to have, but at the same time…from a distance, if you didn't know them, I think you wouldn't expect that such a goofy group of boys would be so hard to kill.

Goku was always squawking about food, and Gojyo whined about having to walk when his ribs hurt, and sometimes they'd squawk and whine at each other about something incredibly, unbelievably stupid. Then Sanzo would get a giant paper fan out of God knows where, and smack them both upside the head, scream until the woods were shaking. Did that make them knock it off? Hell no. Then they'd just squawk and whine about that instead, until he got out his gun and threatened to shoot them.

It was happening right in front of my eyes, even as Kou and I were having our serious conversation.

"Ah, you're all talk." Gojyo scoffed. "You don't have any ammo, and we all know it."

"I. Will. Beat you senseless with this gun, Gojyo. Trust me, it will hurt much, much worse than the fan."

Then the two of them started bitching at each other—which sounded a little more serious than the way Goku and Gojyo had been bickering—and that went on a long, long time, until I think everyone within a five mile radius was sick of it.

Hakkai was the only one who was ever quiet. For the most part he held normal, polite conversations with anyone who started talking to him, and occasionally laughed at one of his friends' expense. Hard to believe he was the same person as the youkai we'd seen the other night.

"Are they always like this?" I muttered.

"I think so." Was Kou's stoic answer.

"How pathetic are we if we can't even take the sutra from this idiotic, little field trip?"

Kou just shook his head.

Still…I could tell from watching them that there was a lot going on beneath the surface. As Gojyo had so aptly put it, there was 'a lot of shit' going on. I couldn't completely put my finger on it, and I didn't know any of them well enough to pinpoint the details, but none of them were themselves, exactly. I didn't know if it was _because_ of Ryptcore, or if he was just the last straw for them. Either way, it wasn't good for team dynamics. Kou and I had both decided that, at the moment, as a group, they were abnormally weak, and individually, they were more vulnerable than usual.

It would have been a good time to take the sutra, if Ryptcore weren't running around. Unfortunately, we needed this noisy group of kids to help us rid the world of that psycho forever.

_Oh, you're not fooling anybody._ I thought. _There's only one reason you care about getting rid of Ryptcore._

Hell, if that bastard wanted to run around and wreck the world, who was I to stop him? It's not that I didn't care, exactly, but as long as he didn't come banging on the gates of Houtou Castle, trying to kill Kou and Yaone and Lirin, it wasn't my place to go out and pick a fight with him.

The thing was, I knew he was specifically hunting down the Sanzo Ikkou. Which wouldn't matter. If only my goddamn brother wasn't part of the goddamn Sanzo Ikkou.

That would be ideal. Then Kou and I could just go home, let Ryptcore deal with Sanzo, and maybe, just _maybe, _get Kou's mother back.

So, I guess all that bullshit I'd told him, about not thinking Sanzo could win this war, and him being underappreciated because he happened to be the one gathering firewood last night, was just…well, bullshit. I was really hoping he'd listen to me and just stay with the hanyou group, wherever it was they were going. It was stupid. It was really, really stupid. But it was the only way I could think of to keep Ryptcore from killing him.

Honestly, I didn't want to fight Ryptcore myself. And I definitely didn't want Kou fighting Ryptcore. The difference was, it was my responsibility to protect Kou—my job, if you wanted to put it that way—and it wasn't my business to protect Gojyo anymore. Not that I wouldn't, if I thought I could, just…he wouldn't want me to.

It was a lot of complicated sentimentality, and in the end, I knew that there was really nothing I could do to protect Gojyo, from Ryptcore or anything else.

I guess it would be nice if I could get it out of my head that I had some right to that in the first place. If I could just get over the fact that he was my little brother, and that I'd basically raised him, and if I could stop thinking about how Mom used to beat him, and that look on his face as she stood over him with the axe…

A shiver shot down my spine.

There was no forgetting that shit. For years now, I'd distracted myself from it by serving Kou. Not that I wasn't completely devoted to Kou and Lirin and Yaone. But having them to worry about made it easier not to think about Gojyo, not to worry about what he'd done and where he'd gone after I left, and not to wish there could have been some other way. Being a few hundred feet from him made it just about impossible not to think about.

"You're brooding." Kou informed me calmly.

"Brooding? No."

"I can see it in your eyes."

I met his gaze, nonchalantly, "Well, Ryptcore's kind of a big deal, isn't he?"

"More than any of us realize, but you're not thinking about Ryptcore."

I didn't answer. It would be a waste of time to lie to him. Kou was a perceptive, intelligent guy, and I refused to do him the disrespect of lying to him blatantly.

"Sha Gojyo doesn't look very much like you." He said after a while.

"Naw. He looks a lot like my father did."

"I see. Did you take after your mother?"

I suppressed a sigh. I didn't really like discussing my family life with Kougaiji. In truth, if I could have things my way, I'd just forget anything had ever existed before I met Kou. "I guess I did. Hard to remember now."

"Hm."

_No wonder she hit him. It would really suck…looking at some kid that wasn't yours, seeing your husband's features on him._

"It's not a good excuse." Kou said, like he was reading my mind.

I thought about how that bitch, Gyokumenkoushu, treated him, for more or less the exact same reason. Not that she treated Lirin nicely either though.

"No." I murmured.

Our eyes locked again, and I knew he could feel where my thought process was coming from. Eventually, he looked away. "I wouldn't worry too much. These four _are_ ridiculous, but they do a good job of staying alive, and by some miracle, they manage to look after each other."

I wondered if any of them thought about it that way at all. Looking after each other wasn't their priority. At least, that's what they'd say, if you mentioned it to them, but any outsider could see that they had complicated team dynamics. Pick one out when he was weak and attack him, and you'd better hope and pray the other three spared your life.

It seemed stupid and pointless to me to even bother hiding how much they all mattered to each other, when anyone could see there was little else that _did_ matter to any of them.

I'd seen Gojyo with Goku and Hakkai this morning, sitting around the fire, eating eggs of all things, and the bond between the three of them was almost tangible. They bickered and teased each other a lot—a lot being an understatement—but there was something in that bickering and teasing that was crucial to their relationship in the first place. Sanzo was included in all that, but I could tell he was trying his damndest not to be. All in all, he was a pretty cold guy. Still, I didn't think that didn't mean he didn't care about his team mates.

What was the big deal anyway? I'd do anything and go anywhere for Kougaiji, and he knew it, and Lirin and Yaone knew it, because I'd said it and I'd acted on it. I didn't feel like it made me less of a man, it just meant I had some loyalty, and what the hell's wrong with loyalty?

I glanced at my brother again. His shouting match with Sanzo was over, and now he was walking next to Hakkai. They were talking too quietly for me to hear what they were saying, but their body language was casual and open. I could see from a mile away that they were familiar and comfortable with each other, regardless of how different they were, and for some reason, the sight made me feel just a slight twinge of jealousy. It probably shouldn't, but it always had, ever since I'd found out my brother was in the Sanzo party and I'd seen him with them, I just couldn't help feeling jealous. Maybe I just didn't like that he didn't need me anymore, because he had them instead.

Off to the side, I noticed the little hanyou kid running through the bushes, crouching down every now and then, darting between trees like he was trying to go unseen. He had a long, heavy stick in one hand and what looked like a pair of binoculars in the other. Every now and then, he'd look through them, like he was searching for something.

I stared long and hard at him. With that longish, unkempt hair, and that skinny build, he looked like Gojyo had at that age. I stopped in the middle of the road to watch him. It wasn't like I hadn't noticed the kid before—he'd been here since before Kou and I joined the party—but I guess I'd sort of been ignoring him, purposely trying not to look at him, trying not to compare him to my brother, because I didn't want to honestly see how similar they were to one another.

"Dokugaku?" Kou called back to me from a few yards down the road.

"Yeah, hang on. I'll catch up to you, Kou."

Kou shrugged and kept walking, but a little slower than before, and he checked over his shoulder a couple times.

I crossed the road and went to stand behind the kid. "What're you up to, tiny?" Not good. My voice, my tone, even the words I said, were all exactly the way I would have spoken to Gojyo ten or twelve years ago.

This kid stayed kneeling where he was, gazing through his binoculars intently. I wondered if he'd brought those with him or if he'd found them along the way somewhere. "Scoutin' for youkai."

"Oh. Right. Well, your group's leaving you behind, so maybe you better play less and try to keep up."

He twisted around to look at me. His face was a lot like Gojyo's too—that sort of lean, smart face with a strong chin and jaw—but his expression wasn't. This kid looked totally innocent, optimistic and naïve. His eyes were bright, and I knew just by his open, trusting face that no one had laid a hand on him in his whole life. I was all too familiar with the way kids looked at you when they were getting hit behind the scenes. I guess some hanyou kids had it better than others.

"What about you, mister? Aren't you parta' the group too?"

"N-no." I stuttered, not sure how to answer him, "Not officially."

The kid stood up and turned around, letting the binoculars fall around his neck. "Oh. I thought you were friends with Gojyo and Goku and the others."

"Friends?" So did I tell him 'actually we're mortal enemies, bent on destroying each other'? It wasn't exactly the truth anyway, so I just mumbled, "Yeah, we're friends…or something like that."

The kid stuck his hand out suddenly, "I'm Deshi. Nice to meet'cha."

Not knowing what else to do, I shook it. "Jie—er, Dokugakuji…. Nice to meet you." How strange. I hadn't referred to myself as Jien in over ten years, so to even almost accidentally introduce myself that way was bizarre. What was it about this kid? I studied him as he began to walk, a few feet ahead of me. He didn't especially _act_ like Gojyo. He wasn't nearly as cocky and obnoxious. I guess the looks were all it took to wire him to that part of my memories anyway.

"Are you a traveler too?" Deshi asked, smiling up at me.

"Not really. I live in India."

"India? Where's that?"

"West. Far, far west."

"What're you doing so far from home then?"

"My friend and I are on a little mission, that's all."

Deshi seemed puzzled still, but he just nodded. "You're a swordsman, huh? I saw your sword the other day. It's really big. How do you fight with it?"

"What do you mean? I just swing it."

"You must be really strong."

"Hn. I'm strong enough. I can hold my own in a fight, and that's what matters."

"I'm gonna' be a fighter when I grow up."

"I bet you will."

"And I wanna' travel around and see all kinds of cool places, like Gojyo and his friends. What about where your from? Is it cool there?"

The kid sure wasn't shy.

"Parts of it are nice. I'm not from their originally…I grew up back east. Same place Gojyo's from."

"Really?"

I nodded, then said without thinking about it, "We're brothers."

Deshi seemed pretty skeptical of that, "You are?"

"…Yes."

"You don't look the same." He said, after studying my face a long time and glancing up ahead towards Gojyo over and over.

"Well, we had different moms."

"Oh. 'Cause you're a full youkai, and he's not."

At least he understood that part.

I tried to think of something else to focus on, but Deshi wasn't letting it go. "I didn't know he had a brother—I wonder why he didn't tell me. You're older than him, right?"

"That's right."

"Huh. I wonder why he didn't tell me."

"Our relationship is…complicated."

"Why?"

I couldn't really be angry with him for asking such a painful question when I'd set myself up for it. I just sighed, "It's been a long time since we…spent any time together."

"Don't'cha get along?"

"We used to, back when he was your age, but now…seems like every time we see each other, we just fight."

"That's sad!" Deshi shouted, "Brother's aren't s'posed to fight."

I raised my eyebrows at him, "You're the expert on that, are you?"

"I never fought with my brother." He sniffed.

"Never?" I goaded.

"Naw. We were best friends."

Of course they were. That's how brothers were supposed to be, wasn't it? Brothers were supposed to be best friends. I looked up the road to where Gojyo was still walking with Hakkai—a little more animated now, probably bitching about something—and suddenly it dawned on me that, at one time, the two of us had been really close. We had a large difference in age, but he didn't have anyone else in the world, so he'd gotten pretty attached to me. I couldn't help remembering the way he used to follow me every where, and the way I'd pretended I didn't want him to…

Finally, I came up with something else to talk about, switched topics abruptly, "So, you excited to be going to this new village?"

"Nn. Not really."

Why would he be? He'd obviously come from that half-breed village Ryptcore had trashed, and almost everyone he knew it the world was dead now.

"You're gonna' get to meet new people and make new friends though." I told him, trying to smile.

"That's what Lei keeps telling me. I just wish we could go home."

I couldn't miss the despair in his voice, and it was a feeling I could easily identify with: a heavy, dark feeling. I knew all too well what it was like to have to run from your only home, to know your family was gone and that you could couldn't go back, no matter how much you wanted to. No matter what you'd left behind, you couldn't go back and get it. No matter _who_ you'd left behind, you'd never see them again.

"Yeah…I hear you, tiny." I rested my hand on his shoulder, straining to come up with something that might comfort him, "At least you'll be safe there though, huh? That's what's really important."

It wasn't right for kids to have to wander the streets, never knowing where their next meal was going to come from, doing whatever it took to survive. They shouldn't have to sleep in some dumpy alleyway somewhere or steal to eat. Deshi had all these other hybrids to look after him, but what if something happened to them? This was a dog eat dog world, and hanyou weren't generally looked upon favorably. It would be best for them in a village where they knew there were other people like them, and there was no question about whether they'd be accepted or not.

"I guess so." Deshi agreed after a moment.

"Then, when you grow up, you can run around the world and fight, if that's what you want."

"Maybe I can come visit you!" He beamed up at me.

Kid sure got attached easily.

"Sure."

"I'll be a great warrior then, so we can spar."

"If you want, Goj."

I shut my mouth tight, and Deshi looked up at me curiously.

"I meant Deshi. Sorry."

What was wrong with me? Did I really think I was sixteen again, walking back from town, with a bag of groceries and my tag-along, kid brother? Totally pathetic. I needed to get my head in the game now. What if someone attacked Kougaiji right now and I was distracted talking to Deshi and thinking about Gojyo and being an idiot? I'd never forgive myself if I let something happen to Kou, and I'd already proven to myself that I could live without Gojyo. I could live not knowing where he was or how he was doing, so I should put him out of my mind now.

Still…going down the road with Deshi looking up at me with his red eyes, I really did feel like I was in some kind of flashback.

Ahead of us, I noticed that everyone had stopped and gathered along the side of the road. Kou was standing there with his arms folded, watching me approach. "What's going on?" I asked, going to stand next to him, and Deshi stayed there beside me.

"I guess this is where the party splits up." He answered coolly.

"…where isit exactly?" Goku was asking.

One of the hanyou—a man in his mid thirties—answered, nervously, "W-well…I-I've only been there once… If I remember correctly, it should be up over this ridge here."

"How far away would you say it is?" Hakkai questioned.

The man was really sweating. I didn't think he liked being asked a lot of questions by two possibly berserk youkai. "Um…h-how far? Do you mean miles? Or time?"

"Time, please."

"I think…if I remember correctly…it took us, um, maybe a little more than an hour to get there once we left the main road." He added quickly, "I could be wrong though."

Sanzo snorted, "We don't have time for this. You three. Lets keep moving."

"Sanzo." Hakkai admonished him quietly, "That is not a very long time. Two hours round trip, perhaps."

"It wouldn't matter if it were only two _seconds_, Hakkai." Was the vicious answer. "We aren't wasting time on this."

"But Sanzo. If they go off by themselves, Ryptcore or somebody might attack 'em." Goku argued.

"That isn't my problem."

Next the girl tried—Lei was her name, I think—clasping her hands and looking at Sanzo pleadingly, "Please, Sanzo. It would mean a lot to all of us."

I didn't think Sanzo was the type to be taken in by a woman's request, so it must have been that his temper just snapped. He looked angrier than ever, and his purple eyes were flashing, and I had to admit, he was pretty scary for being a human priest. "Pfft. I don't see what any of this has to do with us. Gojyo! This is _your_ mess, isn't it? You be back in two hours, or don't come back at all."

Gojyo looked up from where he was standing, a little apart from the rest of the group, kicking dirt and fidgeting, "What? Sorry, I missed it."

That only made Sanzo angrier. "You're taking them to the village, aren't you? Get your ass moving."

"I am? I thought they were going by themselves."

Hakkai gave him a disappointed look, "How could you possibly think that? We discussed this. Several times."

"Hakkai's right. You were all gung-ho about bringing them with us."

"Yeah, but I thought we'd go our separate ways, when the time came."

"Gojyo." Lei went forward and grabbed his hand between hers, "Please. You must come with us. Please?"

"That's right!" Another half-blood chimed in, sounding scared, "If those animals attack us we'll be no match for them! We'll be torn to pieces!"

"And I won't be?" Gojyo demanded.

Beside me, Deshi spoke up, sounding a little scared, "Gojyo…you gotta' come with us. Please?"

Gojyo looked at him, expression seeming guilty, "Desh, i-"

"Oh, would you quit fucking around and just _go_?" Sanzo snapped. "Everyone wants you to."

"No one asked you!" Gojyo turned on him with a snarl.

"You already said you would." Hakkai reminded him.

"No I didn't. I never said I would walk them all the way to the front gate, I just said-"

"Well, I think you should."

"Get bent, Hakkai." I recognized the anger and frustration beginning to burn in my brother's voice. "What if Ryptcore doesn't bother them? What if he attacks _you_ guys while I'm gone?" I also heard the extra question aching behind those words. _What if you need me?_

I knew he was never going to do it. Even if he'd said that he would before, I knew he had no problem backing out of a commitment, but he must have had a reason to, since I did remember him arguing with Sanzo about this very event, not two days ago. Something must have happened to make him change his mind, and since Ryptcore hadn't attacked us at all so far, I thought it must have to do with that youkai woman who'd been disappearing and reappearing at random. Whatever it was, Gojyo wasn't going, and if he didn't, no one was going to.

I looked down at Deshi and saw that he was shaking. The poor kid looked really scared. That just wasn't right. He should be home now. By nightfall, he should be in his own house, sleeping in his own bed. Even if that could never happen, he still deserved to have the next best thing. Even more than I thought he deserved to though, I just wanted him to.

"I'll take 'em." I said.

All eyes turned on me, and all the arguing stopped. Everyone was staring, like they hadn't even realized I was there. Kou was staring like I was crazy.

"You?" Gojyo spat. "Why would you want to do that?"

"Someone should make sure they get home safe, don't you think?"

"Yeah, but…no one said it had to be you."

"No, everyone's vote was for _you_, Gojyo. I'm just sayin', if you don't want to, I will."

He didn't answer.

The hybrids all eyed me suspiciously. One asked, "Who are you? Don't get me wrong, we appreciate the offer…but how do we know we can trust you?"

I could honestly only think of one thing that might possibly convince them, and even then it was a long shot. Just the same, it was all I had, so it slipped out for the second time that day, "I'm his brother."

A hush fell over the group, and I saw dozens of eyes, all staring at me in a new light. The brother of a half-blood child of taboo. For all I knew, each of them had a sibling just like me: the wholesome, full-blooded child who got all the love and esteem. For all I knew, they each hated their full-blooded siblings. But in the end, it was still enough to win them over.

The five of them agreed it would be fine, and then prepared to set out.

I turned to Kou, "Comin' with me?"

He smiled slightly, "I wish I could… I want to. But if Ryptcore _does_ attack anyone, I assume it will be Sanzo and his party, and in that case, I need to be here."

The answer was disappointing. I really hated being separated from Kougaiji, but I just smiled back at him, "I get you. You need to have the satisfaction of killing him yourself."

"Something like that."

"Okay. I'll see you in two hours." I said, much more easily than I felt.

Next I looked at Gojyo, who was scowling at me, arms folded. I had no idea what he had to be so pissed about. Probably just his damn nicky fit driving him crazy.

I gave him a grin, just the same way I would have ten years ago, "Awe, c'mon and turn that frown upside down, tiny. Why don'tcha' come with me? Maybe you can buy some cigarettes up there."

"Don't you think if I could go I'd just go?"

"Well I think you coming with me is a fair trade for Kou staying here, don't you?"

"What do you care if I go anyway? You said you'd take them, so take them."

I guess maybe I thought if he went up there and saw what it was like, he might want to stay there. Maybe he knew it too, and that's why he wasn't going. Or maybe he really was just concerned about his friends.

"You're really not coming?" Deshi asked, sounding relatively horrified.

"Sorry, kiddo. I don't think I should."

"But why not? We need you to!" Deshi dropped the stick he'd been carrying and ran to him suddenly, flung his arms around his waist, "Gojyo, you gotta' come with us! Please?" Then he buried his face in the front of Gojyo's shirt, all but sobbing, "I really, really…want you to."

Gojyo's expression softened, "Deshi…look, man. It's not that I don't…I mean, I would, if I could…but these guys…"

"I don't understand. What about us? You're just like we are. You should come with us."

"I-"

"We need you!"

Lei said gently, "You're welcome to come, you know."

"I know." Gojyo answered.

She hesitated, and then she reached out and took his hand in hers, and I felt everyone around us watching them. "We don't know each other very well yet, Gojyo…and I've really been looking forward to getting to know the real you. We just haven't had time. Please come with us and give me a chance. I know I've been a little bit bitchy in the past, but I like you. Let me show you how sweet I can be."

Gojyo _was_ the type to be taken in by a woman's request, so I was surprised when he said, "I can't go, Lei. I don't belong there."

Lei stared into his eyes; I thought it looked like she as checking to see if he was serious. "If this is about something I said or did before, I'm sorry, I-"

"It's not." He pulled away from her gently, like shaking loose of a little girl.

I saw helplessness and bewilderment in her eyes, and I watched it turned to outrage, and I thought of the old adage.

_Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned._

She said shortly, "If you don't belong with us, where _do_ you belong?"  
Gojyo snorted, "Hell if I know."

"Fine. Just be that way then. Deshi, let's go."

Deshi held on tight, and Gojyo touched his hair, "Time to go, pal."

Reluctantly, the kid released him, looked up with tears gleaming in his eyes.

Gojyo crouched down, still ruffling his hair, murmured, "Take care of her, 'kay?"

"'Kay." Deshi sniffed, wiping his nose.

"Hey, don't be upset, kiddo. I'll see you again."

"When?"

"When you grow up. I'll show ya' how to be a real ladies man."

I rolled my eyes. It was a shallow, stupid, empty as piss promise; Deshi still believed it, and smiled slightly, "Really?"

"'Course. Now beat it."

"All right…. Just don't get stuck in any more wells."

"Deal." Gojyo stood up. He looked at me like maybe he had something to say, but whatever it was, he never said it.

Instead, Sanzo interrupted, looking at me with a decidedly indifferent expression, "We have no obligation to wait for you."

"That being said." Hakkai interjected, "It would be nice to have the extra help with Ryptcore, and since we were planning on waiting for two hours anyway, we may as well rest here. Don't you think so, Sanzo?"

Sanzo didn't answer, he just glared daggers at Hakkai.

Hakkai smiled at me politely, utterly unfazed, "Do try to hurry back. I believe we're all much better off if we stay together."

"Then why aren't we all goin' up there?" Goku asked.

No one answered him. I turned to leave, giving Kou one last smile, "Two hours."

"Two hours." He agreed. "Then I'm coming to look for you."

"Fair enough."

We left shortly after that. It was weird to just break off from the rest of the group and the main road and start heading into what was, as far as I could tell, nothing but wilderness, there wasn't even so much as a path to take. At least the terrain wasn't rough though. We started climbing the ridge, but it was nothing more than a big hill, and there weren't even that many boulders to get past. The man who'd been answering Goku and Hakkai's questions earlier led the way, and as far as I knew, he was the only hybrid who knew where we were going. I stayed close to Deshi and Lei, and I kept my eyes and ears open for danger, but I highly doubted we were going to be attacked. Like everyone else, I assumed that, if Ryptcore attacked at all, it would be Sanzo and the others.

That made me feel uneasy about being apart from Kou, and I kept looking over my shoulder, even long after I couldn't see him anymore.

_He'll be fine._ I told myself. Never mind that he was with the Sanzo party, and they were supposed to be our enemies, even if we were having a temporary truce. _He can take care of himself…_

_Two hours isn't that long…_

The only problem was that it was slow going with these half-bloods. Most of them seemed to be in pretty good shape and didn't have any trouble hiking, but a couple of them were injured, including Lei, and they had to rest, and they walked slowly and tripped sometimes, and over all slowed the group down much more than I liked. Still, I decided not to worry. Even if that bastard Sanzo packed up his group and moved out, Kou was going to keep waiting for me, and that was all I cared about. Gojyo be damned.

Deshi wasn't as energetic as before, but I didn't think it was because of the walk. He seemed disappointed, and he kept toying with something in his right hand.

I walked beside him, "What's that?"

"Nothin'. Just a lighter Goku-san gave me." He showed it to me. It was just a cheap, plastic one, orange, and it looked old, dinged up and dusty. "He said it used to be Gojyo's."

Little brother had a serious fan here. I wondered, briefly, what it was this kid liked so much about Gojyo, but I didn't have to wonder long. From a ten-year-old's perspective, I didn't doubt Gojyo would seem like a really cool guy.

No one did much talking for the rest of the trip, and I started feeling bored and useless. We weren't going to be attacked. Why had I volunteered to do this?

I guess it just hadn't felt right to watch them limp into the distance, injured and tired and hungry like this.

As long as nothing happened to Kou while I was away, it shouldn't be a big deal.

We got all the way to the top of the ridge and went down the other side, and it was afternoon by the time the ground started to level out. The guy at the head of the group kept calling back, "Not far now. Not far."

In another half hour, we had reached the village. There was no wall built around this one, and no other tell-tale signs that we were approaching the town's outskirts. Before I knew it, we were just there. I looked up and there was a barn to the left of me, a house to the right of me, a road right in front of me, and beyond that more and more and more buildings: houses and sheds and a tavern and even a bank.

"Bigger than the other one." I muttered.

It was meant to be to myself, but one of the hybrids told me, "Our village was only for people like us. This town has humans and even some youkai living it in."

I looked around and saw that he was right. Almost everyone I saw had red hair, but there was a decent number of humans too. I didn't see any youkai, but I wasn't surprised about that.

Over all, it looked like a nice place, lush with vegetation, abundant with water, full of hard-working, honest people.

"Tratto was born here." Lei explained to Deshi. "Eventually though, he decided there should be a place just for people like us, so he left and founded our village."

I wondered how much prejudice people had to put up with here. You'd think that if you were planning on living here in the first place, you would have already set aside all your racist thoughts. Or maybe you didn't have any in the first place.

Either way, it looked to be a decent, safe place. A place any hanyou should be happy to live in. Even if it wasn't a sanctuary for half-breeds alone, it had to be a hell of a lot better than surviving in the outside world.

We were almost to the center of the town now, and a lot of people were stopping to watch us pass. I hadn't realized how deep I was going, and I stopped suddenly, "I-um, I better get heading back to the others."

They looked back at me, like they'd forgotten I was there.

"Of course." Said the man in the front. "Your friends are waiting."

Lei bowed, "Thank-you so much for doing this. You're twice the man your brother is."

"I don't know about that." I laughed nervously, "He's just got a lot going on right now."

"Either way, we are all in your debt. Thank-you again, Dokugakuji-san."

The way she smiled at me made me feel a little better about coming up here. She really did look appreciative and sweet and relieved, and I knew I'd done a good thing for these people.

All of them thanked me again, and then we said goodbye, and they walked away together, toward a big, official looking building, which was probably where the elder or someone like that lived.

I looked around again. It was an interesting place, and if I'd had time, I might have done some exploring, but since Kou was waiting for me, I knew I had to hurry back. Before I left though, I did go into a general store and bought a pack of cigarettes. I didn't know which kind he smoked, so I grabbed what was cheapest and went on my way.

Going back was much faster. I could set my own pace and not worry about other people catching up, and I could go over obstacles rather than trudging around them. I bet it only took forty-five minutes before I could see the main road again.

Below me, I heard voices: Goku squawking, Gojyo whining, Sanzo shouting and Hakkai laughing. I scanned the area for Kou, frantically, and found him hanging out in the shade of a tree, a good distance from the others. Seeing him okay made me breathe a sigh of relief, and I continued my descent.

The crazy little field trip was playing around by the side of the road, as if nothing in the world was wrong. Gojyo and Goku were scuffling around, calling each other crazy, nonsensical names and pushing each other, while Hakkai stood by laughing. Sanzo was scowling and his paper fan was out. When the noise got to be too much for him, he hit them both with the fan and screamed a while, and then the two of them whined at him about it. Hakkai made some underhanded comment that was clearly meant to be an insult, and Gojyo went over to rest his elbow on his shoulder, sniping something right back at him.

I paused to watch them a moment, noticing again the way they acted with each other, the bond none of them would admit to out loud. I realized I'd never seen my brother this way before. When he was a kid, he didn't have any friends really—everyone in town knew about the scandal between Dad and Gojyo's mother—even the other kids in our home town didn't want to have anything to do with him. I'd always known he was social and outgoing, but he'd never gotten a chance to act on it. With Hakkai and Goku, and even with Sanzo, he was just himself, and they let him be. Hakkai didn't push his arm away. Goku didn't tell him he was a freak and tell him to leave him alone. All four of them just existed, side by side, not caring what the world thought.

As I looked on, I felt that jealousy start to creep back into me, strained to make sense of it.

Gojyo was my brother, not theirs. I'd been there for him long before any of them even knew he existed. Yet, here he was now, pushing me away, scorning my concern and acting like I was crazy for giving a shit what happened to him. He acted like he didn't care about our past history, or about what I'd done for him—even when that single act had almost destroyed my whole life—he acted like he didn't even remember any of it. Today, he hadn't gone to the hanyou village with me, because he didn't want to leave his comrades behind, and it didn't matter what I wanted.

After a moment, I continued down the hill to the road, and even though I tried to shake the jealousy away, it was persistent. I hated to feel like I'd lost my brother forever. I hated that he was on one side of this war and I was on the other. I really hated feeling like it was all my fault. Like if I'd done things differently, it might not be that way now. Still, I knew there was no fixing it.

Kou saw me coming and stood up, "You're back early."

"Yeah, I made up for lost time on the return trip."

"You okay?"

"Fine. How were thing around here?"

"Noisy. But other than that, everything was fine."

"I didn't see any sign of Ryptcore anywhere. I guess we all got lucky."

"I'd say you're right."

I nodded, "Anyway, hang on a moment, I'll be right back." Reluctantly, I turned away from him again, made my way across the road to where the others were bickering, clenched the cigarettes in my hand and tried to act normal. Not jealous.

"Hey, you're back!" Goku said excitedly. "See Sanzo? It didn't even take four hours."

Sanzo just grunted.

"Sorry, we ate without'cha." Goku went on. "Did'ja' make it ta' the village okay?"

It never failed to surprise me how friendly he was to Kou and the rest of us. "Uh, yeah. Everything went smoothly." I looked at Gojyo, shoved the cigarettes into his hand, "Here. Got ya' something. Maybe now you can quit being such a whiny bitch."

He looked at them like he had no idea what they were. "What're these?"

"Cigarettes, stupid."

"My, how thoughtful." Hakkai said brightly, "Now, Gojyo, what do you say?"

Gojyo glared at him, "What the hell're you, my mother?"

To that, Hakkai just laughed, "Ah, not that I'm aware of, no."

"You sure nag like a mom." Gojyo was already tearing the pack open, frantically, it looked like. He stuck one in his mouth and dug around for his lighter. He searched every pocket twice before he found it, and then finally got the stupid thing lit. Just when I was sure I was never getting so much as a thank-you, he exhaled a long stream of smoke, grinned at me, "Thanks man. I owe you."

"Damn straight you do." I snorted. "You owe me big."

"I'll buy you a beer some time, how's that?"

"Yeah, yeah. That's fine, Goj." I barely resisted the urge to ruffle his hair, turned and went back to Kougaiji. It was hard. It was hard to remember things were so different now and that they could never be the way they used to be. Life was fine now, I didn't exactly miss the way things used to be, but I did miss parts of how it had been. Parts that were lost forever.

Man, I was an idiot.

I was so stupid, thinking I could make up for leaving Gojyo behind all those years ago. Did I seriously believe making sure Deshi got home all right could atone for that? Did I actually think getting Gojyo somewhere safe would make whatever he'd been through after I left him just go away? I guess I was always the same—forcing my own feelings and desires on anyone around me who made me remember the regretful things I'd done in the past.

From now on, I'd better focus on Kou and what he needed me to do. Forget everything else.

Easier said than done. I mean, was I really such a bad guy for wanting to help my brother?

Maybe some day I'd pay the price for all of this sentimental bullshit.

* * *

**Sanzo **

We were fortunate to reach a normal town a bit before nightfall, just in time to keep everyone from falling apart, I thought; I felt like it had been years since I'd been in any real civilization, and even longer since I'd seen other humans. Not that I cared especially what race the people around me were. They were just more potential enemies, or else they didn't matter at all, because the only thing I knew for sure about them was that they were not allies, and they could not and would not be of any help whatsoever. So I bought about five boxes of ammo and a couple cartons of Marlboro Reds—I'd been down to my last one in the pack—and ignored their small talk. Then we searched for an inn.

Goku kept asking why we hadn't just stayed at the village Lei and the other half-breeds had gone to, and eventually I told him it was because we couldn't really stock up on supplies there. It was partly true, but I also hadn't wanted to climb the mountain to get there. Besides, I knew Ryptcore would follow us, and he'd ransack that village like he had the last one. Not that he wouldn't ransack _this _one, I thought, as I looked around at the lights and the dwindling crowd. A lot of shops were closing up for the day, and as Hakkai had noted, we might have to do the bulk of our resupplying tomorrow before we left.

Whatever. So what if the DethBreed did ransack this town? At least we could buy supplies here before they did, and it would give me an opportunity to kill Ryptcore.

_As long as my damn team doesn't desert me._

Gojyo hadn't gone with the others, which was shocking to me, but I was staving off on the celebrations, partly because having him with us was more a pain in the ass then him being gone would, and partly because he still had every opportunity to run off, back to the village, with some common whore, or with his brother for all I knew.

"D'ya think Kougaiji an' Dokugakuji'll be okay?" Goku asked at dinner, after he'd finished plowing through ten plates of food.

"Who knows and who cares?"

Hakkai took the question a little more seriously, "I wouldn't be too concerned, Goku. If Ryptcore's army does arrive, those two will likely see them coming and warn us. If anything, it's best for them to camp outside the city limits. Besides, I highly doubt either of them have power limiters to put on, and seeing two youkai in their town would likely put the locals into a state of panic."

"More importantly." I growled, "You shouldn't waste time worrying about the enemy."

"Yeah, but in case you forgot, we have a truce with them right now." Gojyo spoke up from behind the inherent white cloud he was spewing. He hadn't been without a lit cigarette in hand since Dokugakuji brought him that first pack back from Lei's village, and stocking up on his disgusting hi-lites had been the first thing he'd done when we got into town. "I mean, would it kill you to show a little concern for your own allies, Sanzo?"

"I couldn't have any less interest in what you have to say, Gojyo. As far as I'm concerned, you're emotionally involved, so your opinion is worthless."

"What the hell's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"It means that guy is your brother, so no shit you're concerned."

"I ain't concerned. I'm just saying, they're on our side right now, so being completely cold-blooded is really shitty."

"Now, now." Hakkai said, before I could retort, "Can't we eat in peace? Honestly, your bickering is getting incredibly tedious to listen to."

I was sick of the fighting too. I'd like to shoot Gojyo in the head and be done with it.

We ate the rest of the meal in silence, and then I went to pay the bill. It was good to have ammo for my gun again, but I still felt on edge. I didn't know if it was my imagination, but I felt like someone had been following us for days now, watching and lying in wait. Maybe I only felt that way because I knew the DethBreed was behind us, somewhere. Lurking in the wilderness. Or maybe it was because Hakkai's demon woman was following us at a distance. I hadn't seen her in a few days though—ever since she pushed Gojyo down the well, she seemed to be staying a little further away. Good call. He was probably going to kill her when he got a chance.

It could also be about having Kougaiji in tow. Truce or no truce, he was not on our side, and I couldn't sleep well at night knowing he was just a few feet away, possibly planning to steal the sutra right off my back.

The most likely reason though, was because I was the only one I could trust now. I didn't know for sure what my team mates were thinking, and I wasn't sure which side they were really on right now, and that made me feel like I was surrounded by enemies, even though everyone kept telling me I was surrounded by allies.

In any case, there was nothing I could do except keep relying on myself and watch those around me carefully, prepared to defend myself if they turned on me.

Goku insisted that wasn't going to happen. He said he wasn't going anywhere, and he didn't think the other two were either, but he wasn't any surer of it than I was—he couldn't be. All along, I'd been aware that things might go this way—it was a concern I'd even shared openly with the Three Aspects—that maybe I wouldn't be able to trust my own comrades. The only problem was that in the last year, I'd gotten lax in paying attention. They'd been so normal throughout this whole trip, I'd gotten to a point where I wasn't expecting them to go crazy or to suddenly leave; I'd been stupid, and I'd actually started to trust them, and rely on them, even if I'd never admit it.

The last time I'd been stupid enough to rely on someone, he'd been brutally taken away from me, permanently, and then I really didn't have anyone to trust.

Not this time though, I told myself as we left the restaurant. I'd been stupid over the last year for even thinking I could trust these three misfits, but there was still plenty of time for me to wise up. I knew there was no guarantee I could count on them, so this time, when something happened and they died or left or went insane, I wouldn't feel left behind and exposed.

"Man." Gojyo yawned, "I gotta' tell you guys, I am really looking forward to sleeping in a real bed."

"I can't blame you." Hakkai agreed. "We all deserve some rest after a week like this one."

"I say we haul ass to the inn, play a round of cards, have a beer and call it a night."

"Hey, Sanzo!" Goku shouted for no apparent reason. "Can we sleep in tomorrow? Please?"

"No. Why would you even ask me that?"

"'Cause ev'rybody's tired!"

"Everybody can sleep tonight and get up tomorrow morning, like usual."

"But-"

A shadow shifted on my right, and another on my left. I stopped, and Goku ran into me, cutting his argument off.

"Hey, what's goin' on?"

Two men were moving in on us from either side, swiftly and surely. I didn't sense a presence, but I could tell from the way they moved that they weren't just bums coming to ask for money.

Simultaneously, they stepped into the light.

Both of them were a little taller than Gojyo, built with a little more muscle than any of us, and they had twin, psychotic grins. The man on the right was about my age, and he had pale, spiky hair and half a dozen facial piercings. His counterpart was ten or fifteen years older, bald, with nasty scars drawn across his scalp. Both of them had empty, soulless eyes, and even though they looked human, I knew from their appearance alone that they were youkai.

They were blocking our path.

"Genjyo Sanzo." The young man said, gnashing his teeth, "We've been looking for you."

"Assassins?" Hakkai murmured.

I answered bleakly. "Not normal assassins."

"That's right, Priest." The bald man said in a deep, guttural voice. He pulled a thick, brass band off his upper arm, and there was a gust of hot wind and a flash of reddish light, and his ears and teeth and fingernails grew long and sharp and gruesome.

The other man removed his nose ring and transformed as well. Tongue lolling like a wolf's, he laughed, "Gang and Chang. Officers of the DethBreed—we're your worst nightmare, Sanzo Ikkou."

"Rhyming _names_?" Goku and Gojyo squawked in unison, then burst out laughing.

"You gotta' be shittin' me!" Gojyo howled.

Hakkai nudged both of them, "Somehow I doubt this is any laughing matter."

If these two clowns were anything like Xiong and Ryptcore or the other psycho members of that army, we were definitely not in any position to be laughing. To make matters worse, they were officers, and who knew what the qualifications for _that_ were.

"Laugh if you want." The bald man, Chang, I think, said, drawing a pair of black eskrima, "We have our orders to bring you back to Ryptcore, alive, Sanzo."

Gang pulled two dao swords from his belt, took a few hacks at the air in front of him, "Of course, the rest of your party won't be so lucky. You'll all be dead by midnight."

"And then we'll all be free forever."

They threw their heads back and laughed.

"Hn. How naïve." I pulled my gun out and aimed, "Your boss must really be hurt bad if he sent you two clowns to finish what he started."

Chang and Gang exchanged looks and shrugged, "Whatever. We're still more than enough to bring you down."

"Hell." Gojyo stepped up, shakujou in hand, "I just ate, so I'm game to play."

Goku and Hakkai weren't nearly as enthusiastic.

"Um, Sanzo." Goku tugged at my robe lightly, "Don't'cha think we might need Kougaiji an-"

"Those two idiots would only be in our way. Now get ready to fight."

Chang and Gang leapt at us, weapons ready. I fired first at one, then at the other, missed them both and had to dodge to the side to keep from being hacked in two by one of the dao. Gojyo stepped around me, swinging his chain like a lasso. It nearly took Chang's head off, but he got out of the way and the sickle lodged in the wall of the building next to us instead. By that time, Goku had his bo ready to go and was driving straight toward Gang, arm cocked back and ready to bust skulls.

He missed. It was never a good sign to see Goku miss, because usually it meant the enemy he was facing was faster than he was, and that couldn't possibly go well. This time I got the feeling it was more because he wasn't fully focused. As I watched him chase Gang down the alleyway, I could see that he was fighting half-heartedly, taking half-assed swings and going after Gang like he didn't care whether he caught him or not.

Gang was laughing.

"Goku!" I snapped in frustration, taking aim at Chang's ugly head.

"Pay attention, monkey!" Gojyo ordered, running past Goku and taking a slash at Gang. It was close. So close that for a second I actually thought he'd cut him. But there was no splash of blood or satisfying cry of pain.

I fired at Chang, missed his head by a matter of centimeters, and had to duck out of the way before he took my head off with one of the eskrima. He smiled at me in a flash of nasty, yellowed teeth, "Your party is doomed, Sanzo. There's no way for you to defeat the two of us."

Angrily, I fired again, then again.

Chang dodged both shots and zagged to the left. He and Gang reached the same spot at the same time, jumped straight up in the air suddenly, and my next bullet almost blew through Gojyo's skull.

"Hey!" He yelled, jumping back and pressing himself against the wall, "It's me you dumbass!"

"I _know_ it's you. Do you really think I'm that stupid?"

"Now that you mention it-"

Gang landed heavily on Gojyo, knocking him to the ground with a loud, surprised oomph.

A second later, I too was flat on my stomach, face pressed against the cold, damp stone of the street, the heavy weight of Chang sitting on my back.

"Son of a bitch…" I grated out, feeling the pressure begin to bend my ribs.

He laughed hideously, "Wasn't much of a fight, now was it, Priest?"

"Sanzo!" Goku rushed in from the side and kicked him off me, stood over me as I got my bearings.

Gojyo was still grappling with Chang. They were wrestling on the ground, struggling to get the upper hand. The sharp dao were flashing violently and sporadically in the dim light of the street lamps.

Off to the side, I noticed Hakkai, standing in the shadows, watching.

"What the hell are you doing?" I demanded, getting to my feet. "Feel free to jump in any time, Hakkai!"

"Sanzo, I-"

"No! I don't want to hear whatever pathetic excuse you have in mind! Either help us or get lost!"

Hakkai looked torn, but it wasn't so hard for me to guess what he was thinking. For the last couple of days, he'd been almost normal—aside from the fact that his smile wasn't quite genuine and he was a little less patient than usual—and I didn't know what sort of battle for sanity had been raging in his mind. For all I knew, fighting would only push him closer to the edge he was already in danger of falling off of, and he'd have to be a complete moron not to realize that.

That still didn't mean he got to sit out when we had a serious fight on our hands.

Gojyo was up again. He shoved Gang in Hakkai's direction, "C'mon, Hakkai. Let's rip this dick a new asshole."

Chang and Gang stood back-to-back, both of them grinning confidently and demonically. They stood a second, then sprang forward, weapons ready. Gang swung his dao at me, first one, then the other, and Chang took advantage of the distraction, actually managed to bring one of the eskrima down on my shoulder.

Sharp, burning pain shot down my arm and up my neck, and the force of the blow was enough to knock me back into the wall, coughing and grasping my shoulder.

So much pain. It was like my arm was on fire. I couldn't even think past it—it was a huge, red blob in my mind, demanding all my attention, and my vision was so blurry, Chang was just a blur as he attacked again.

Holding my breath, I rolled to the side and scrambled to my feet, staggered out of the way just before he could belt me in the gut with the eskrima.

I didn't hear my teammates nearby. It didn't matter where they were. They weren't coming to my rescue—I wasn't surprised—and I didn't need them to.

I lifted my damaged arm as quickly as I could. It hurt so much, I thought I was going to collapse from the white-hot pain, but it didn't feel broken. Fractured maybe. It wasn't shattered, and that was all that I cared about. I could still use it.

Chang came at me full-tilt.

I fired. The gunshot was painfully loud. My head throbbed as the sound ricocheted through the ally, and squeezing the trigger sent another jab of pain through my arm and into my shoulder.

My aim was slightly off, but I hit his arm, saw a spurt of bright red blood as the bullet tore through flesh and muscle.

Chang roared in outrage. He hit me like an oncoming bull, knocked me back again. This time I got the wind knocked out of me, crumpled back to the street, gasping for breath and straining to keep my wits about me. He stood over me, the eskrima raised high in the air, ready to bust my skull open like a melon.

I jumped up. Pain seared through every section of my body.

Chang's blow hit the wall. Brick and stone crumbled around me, and a fine cloud of dust rose up.

Furiously, I drove at him, put a fist in his gut and knocked him back, sputtering and gagging.

Goku was right beside me, "Ya' okay?"

"No thanks to you idiots…" I panted, feeling my shoulder again. No, as far as I could tell, it was all in one piece. I was fortunate.

"Hey, Sanzo-"

I turned on him, "If you three aren't going to fight, you might as well just leave."

"Who ain't fighting?" Gojyo demanded, taking a swing at Gang, who was already bleeding here and there, but his smile hadn't faded. "You're the one getting his ass kicked."

"Shut up!" I aimed right at him. I didn't care where we were or who we were fighting. I was sick to death of his attitude. I actually took the shot.

Gojyo yelped and leapt back a split second later than he should have. Either way, the bullet missed and flew out into the dark. "You motherfucking son-of-a-fucking-bitch! What the fuck do you think you're doing? We're in a fight!"

"That was a bit uncalled for, Sanzo." Hakkai scolded, but it wasn't his usual, calm, 'I know what's best for everyone' voice. His face looked surprisingly strained.

"I've told that asshole to shut up a million times already today."

Gojyo shoved me with his shoulder, "What if I just start taking random swings at _you_ for no reason, Master Sanzo? See how you like it."

"Stop fightin'!" Goku said loudly.

"Yes, lest you've forgotten, we still have these two to contend with."

Chang and Gang were coming toward us steadily. They were both injured and bleeding, but not nearly bad enough to make them back down, and for all we knew, they were like Ryptcore and didn't care about pain in the first place. Gang twirled the dao like two small propellers. Chang tapped his eskrima together rhythmatically.

The four of us stood clumped together. I realized that, with the exception of Goku, we were all still injured from our fight the other night. That might actually be a problem.

"We may need to use some sort of strategy." Hakkai suggested softly. "Attacking them at random isn't getting us very far."

I scoffed. "We just have to focus. Now let's wrap this up—I'm tired."

"An' I'm hungry." Goku added.

"Again? You just ate!"

"Yeah, well, fightin's makin' me hungry!" He leapt over my shoulder suddenly and flew at them, bo cocked back.

This time, when they dodged they tripped all over themselves and stumbled into one another, nearly falling down in a heap, and I took the opportunity to fire again, each shock of recoil sparking up my arm like a flame following a fuse. I gritted my teeth and kept firing.

Hakkai darted off to my right, Gojyo went left, shakujou rattling. They met in the middle, slamming Chang and Gang between the two of them. Gojyo hit Chang in the head with the staff of his weapon. Blood started spouting from Chang's nose, but he took a swing back at Gojyo, catching the front of his shirt and swinging him around into Hakkai.

While the two of them were falling head over heels, Goku dove in, taking swing after swing at Chang and Gang. Each swing missed, but each miss was just a bit narrower than the last, and I knew he was wearing them down. Hopefully, that meant his head was in the game now.

I reloaded my gun, one eye fixed on the fight. Lucky for us, these two clowns weren't half as strong as Ryptcore. It gave me a little hope that we might actually have a chance at defeating that monster.

_Don't start thinking that way. There's never been any question about whether or not you _can_ kill Ryptcore, just of when and how._

I finished reloading, just as Hakkai and Gojyo were getting up again, Gojyo holding his ribs and lagging back a few steps.

I took aim, careful this time, and squeezed the trigger.

The bullet hissed through the air and found its mark, and blood splattered as it punctured Chang's chest.

The wound wasn't mortal, but it was enough to distract him. He took a few heavy steps back, crying out in pain and holding his chest, blood oozing between his fingers.

Unfortunately for him, Goku hadn't finished up his attack yet, and his next swing caught Chang right in the temple.

The tall, heavy youkai swayed, body falling slowly toward Hakkai, who already had a halo of yellow chi spiraling on one fist. He stepped into Chang, threw a punch. I heard that grossly familiar suction noise as Hakkai's fist went right through Chang's stomach.

Chang froze, his face fastened in absolute horror, eyes wide and bulging, skin growing paler by the second. Blood streamed from his lips, starting out in thin, translucent threads and quickly thickening.

Hakkai ripped his hand out again, not as quickly as he could have, tearing away a chunk of flesh. Blood splashed on his clothes, and I saw a slow, certain smile etch across his face.

Everything after that happened so quickly, I could do nothing but stare.

Hakkai shoved Chang back. Shoved him hard against the wall. He tore into him again, ripped into his stomach, tearing away another hunk of flesh, only this time, he didn't use chi. Just like that, he was ripping and tearing and shredding, clawing and laughing, without any claws or fangs or even sharp ears. He was just…pulling Chang apart like he was made of clay. He ripped out his intestines. He tore off hunks of his skin. He snapped his bones. He laughed and slashed and tore until he was soaked to the shoulders in reeking, hot blood, and the walls and ground around him were stained gruesome red.

I stared, unable to do anything else, unable to move or so much as blink. My eyes were fixed on that horrific sight, glued there, unflinching, and my mouth was threatening to fall open. It wasn't like I'd never seen something like that before, but…Hakkai…

The others were watching too. Even Gang was just standing there, staring.

"Son of a…bitch…" Gojyo said under his breath.

We all watched. It felt like it went on forever, and when it was over, there was nothing but a bleeding, mutilated corpse left at Hakkai's feet.

He stood panting, shoulders heaving, fingers dripping with blood, still laughing vaguely, and then, slowly, that died away too; his breathing went back to normal, and he stood perfectly still for the longest time.

"H-Hakkai…" Goku whispered, but he didn't move toward or away from him.

Slowly, Hakkai turned to us; there was something in his eyes that hinted of wildness, like he was nothing but a mindless beast, driven by instinct alone, and that wicked grin still on his face. It looked even more out of place when he looked so human otherwise, and I felt a chill run down my spine, tightened the grip on my gun and prepared to defend myself.

Goku and Gojyo stiffened as well, holding their weapons a little tighter too.

Hakkai didn't attack though. Slowly, his deranged smile began to melt away, and the intelligence snapped back into his eyes, and then he was just Hakkai again. He took a step back from Chang's moldering body, touched a bloodied hand to his forehead as if he had a headache, smearing some crimson across pallid skin, "I-I…"

Gang whimpered. "Y-you killed him…"

I didn't even have extra space in my mind to consider how disturbed he sounded. Vaguely, I wondered if maybe the two of them had rhyming names for a reason.

"Just like that…" He stuttered, "Y-you just killed him…"

Hakkai took a staggering step in our direction.

The three of us held our ground, but Gang took a step back, receding almost in slow motion, like he'd stumbled across a bear and was just hoping to God it didn't charge him. He pointed a finger at Hakkai, "I-I'll never forget this…I'll make you pay…I swear…I'll make you pay."

None of us paid a bit of attention to him. Our eyes were still fixed on Hakkai. My lips were dry, my mouth felt like it was full of sand. For a moment Hakkai had shown me something so desperately cruel and out of control, I just couldn't fathom that he wasn't berserk already. If he wasn't, he would be soon.

Gang continued to back away, and when he'd gotten far enough, he finally turned and ran for all he was worth, screaming against the night, "I'll get you for this!"

The fight was over, but again, I barely had time or mental capacity to think about that—my whole consciousness was consumed by the fact that I had a rogue youkai teammate on my hands, and now I had to be the one to deal with it. I had to be the one to finish it. I had to be the one who made sure it didn't jeopardize the mission. I had to be the one who ensure that he didn't attack the rest of us. It was all up to me.

"Hakkai…" Goku took a half step toward him.

I crossed my arm in front of him with a short shake of my head, "Stay away from him."

"But Sanzo-"

Behind us, I heard running footsteps, and for a split second thought Gang was coming back for revenge early, before I realized their were two sets of them.

Kougaiji and Dokugakuji arrived on the scene, calm but evidently in a hurry.

"Is everything all right?" Kougaiji asked, "We sensed youkai energy and came as quickly as we could, but-"

He stopped when he saw the body. Maybe it took him a moment to realize what it was, since it was mutilated beyond recognition.

"Fuck!" Dokugakuji blurted. "Did…did _he_ do that?"

I thought it was a fairly stupid question. "How else would it have happened?" I demanded, not allowing my voice to rise or fall in any way, hoping I wouldn't give away the fear and the despair I was feeling.

"Shit, man…just…shit. That's…"

"Disgusting." I finished, without thinking about it.

I tried to shake that thought away. I'd seen my share of gore, but it was different somehow this time. I'd seen my teammates kill plenty of youkai, and sometimes in bloody ways, but this was something else.

Goku tried once more, "Hey, Hakkai. You okay?"

Hakkai flinched at the sound of his name. His body convulsed mildly, and he stared at us another moment, like he really had no way to account for what he'd done, and then he too began to back away, a strange, plaintive expression on his face.

I jumped a little myself when he moved, ready to fight back, but he didn't attack. He drew away into the shadows until I could barely make out the light outline of his hair against the blackness.

He ran too, just as quickly as Gang, stumbled. A loud clatter echoed through the ally as he apparently knocked over a garbage can, and then his footsteps grew fainter and fainter.

"Hakkai!"

Gojyo and Goku both started after him.

I was barely able to stop them.

"Don't. Go after him." I ordered, still straining to be calm, struggling not to give away how upsetting this turn of events was.

"But Sanzo!"

"No, Goku. Just no."

"Wait a minute." Dokugakuji asked again, "Did he really do that? All by himself? His limiter was still on."

That was the most distressing aspect, to be sure. His limiter was still on. I'd seen it myself: round-eared, blunt-fingered, fangless Hakkai had shredded an officer of the DethBreed, and he'd done it as if it were nothing.

"Yes." I answered grimly, too bothered to be sarcastic about it.

"Shouldn't we go after 'im?" Goku asked frantically, "I mean, he could-"

"Absolutely not." I snarled.

Gojyo demanded suddenly, "Are you for real, Sanzo? You don't want to go after him?"

"No, I do not."

"And do you wanna' explain to us exactly why that is?"

"Because. Now, he's going to do one of two things. Either he'll run off alone, go berserk eventually and start terrorizing the countryside, or he'll get his head together and come back to us, go berserk eventually, and start terrorizing _us_. Neither situation is good, but in any case, he's going to go insane. At least if he does it elsewhere we won't have to get sidetracked with stopping him."

"You asshole! He's not berserk yet!"

"No? Because judging from what I just saw, he either is or he will be before the night is over."

"Yeah, but if we go after him maybe we can keep that from happening."

"How would you suggest we do that?" I asked coldly. "Crack open a beer around the fire and play some mahjong? If he's gone, he's gone, and there's nothing we can do. We're under no obligation to-"

"No obligation to what? To stop him? To try to help him? Goddammit, Sanzo, he's part of this fucking team! We can't just let him run around and destroy everything he comes across, we owe it to him to-"

"I don't owe him anything." I interrupted sharply, slanting a glare at him. I was going for mildly annoyed, but I was sure everyone could see how honestly disturbed I was.

After all, wasn't there some part of me that wanted to chase Hakkai, talk him down, bring him around, fix this mess? There was certainly a large part of me that knew he wouldn't want to start roaming the wilderness, destroying villages, eating humans and kidnapping young women like all the other youkai were doing. Of course I knew I owed it to Hakkai to put him out of his misery before he got the chance to do something he'd hate being responsible for. Normally, I might even go after him.

Gojyo changed his tone immediately, tried a different approach. It was shocking to hear; he was being…humble. He sounded like he was trying to ask me for a favor, of all things. "Sanzo…he's got the car. I mean, you know? How're we getting to India without him?"

As if he actually cared about getting to India. As if any of them did.

"We'll walk."

"That'll take years. C'mon, man, you have to admit it: we need him for this."

"I do not need any of you!" I shouted, turning on him. I hadn't even meant to yell, it just happened. Like the louder I denied it, the more likely it would be to come true.

Gojyo and Goku both took a moment to look back at me, stunned. They glanced at each other. On the other side of me, Kougaiji shifted uncomfortably. It was bad to be showing this dissention in the presence of the enemy, but it wasn't as if there was a good place for things to break down. Now all I could do was shield my head and hope the wreckage of this team didn't crush me.

Gojyo tried again. He was doing his best to keep that respectful tone, but I could practically feel his anger bursting through the seams of this charade. "I get why you feel that way—I know everything's fucked up right now—but it isn't true. You know it isn't. You know we need Hakkai, and I don't believe you're actually such an asshole that you're going to just let him go like that."

"Gojyo." I snorted, shaking my head and putting my gun away, "I thought you knew me better."

He clenched his fists.

"I won't waste a second." I added, just to make sure the idiot really understood. "I can't spare half a moment to chase that dumb bastard down. He got himself into this, he can fix it. I have a mission to complete, and I have enough crazy youkai following me around, trying to kill me, so I'm sure as hell not hunting down another one. I don't give half a shit about Hakkai, and I _won't_ waste a second to even consider going after him."

"You fucking asshole." The anger was more prominent now. His voice was quiet, but he was probably speaking through his teeth. "You're really gonna' stand there and tell me you don't have the _time_ to go after Hakkai?"

Goku tried to intervene. "C'mon guys, don't start this right now! What about Hakkai? Sanzo, we can't really let 'im go. That'd be…just bad. Really, really bad."

"See? Even the _monkey_ gets it, Sanzo."

"Please, Sanzo? Let's just go an' find Hakkai."

I tried to think clearly, lit a cigarette to get my head together, noticed my hands were shaking a little. "I already gave you my answer."

"You're seriously worried about _time_?" Gojyo shouted, "Hell, the time it'll take to hunt him down and drag him back won't be anything compared to how long it'll take us to get to India without him!"  
"That's not the point!"

"What is the point then?"

"You're that dense?" I snapped the cigarette in half, threw it down. "I have to spell it out for you? Fine. I will.

"Hakkai is berserk. Even if we bring him back, he won't be himself. At some point, he'll try to kill us. We don't know when, we'll have no way of anticipating it, and I refuse to have an unpredictable enemy travel with us, let alone drive us to India!"

"What about them?" He gestured to Kougaiji and Dokugakuji. "They're traveling with us? You trust _them_ more than you trust Hakkai?"

"Don't get me wrong, if I could just send them away I would, but at least they aren't completely crazy."

"He's not completely crazy!"

"He's out of control! You saw what he did, just like the rest of us."

"Yeah, he killed a guy who attacked us. I thought that was the idea: killing enemies."

"Come to think of it, that is the idea." I told him darkly, "The only reason to look for Hakkai I could conceive right now would be so I could put a bullet through his head."

That infuriated him. I watched the rage come to life in his eyes, "You bastard! You fucking asshole! You won't go find him and even just _try_ to help him, you just wanna' fucking _kill_ him? Before we even get a chance to-"

"What do you think this is? A field trip? Some sort of extended bonding time? You think this is some kind of friendly road trip? You stupid youkai are always on the brink of going insane, and when you do, I have to finish you off. I don't care. I don't have time to care. It isn't my problem."

"Sanzo-" Goku tried to interrupt again, but was immediately drowned out.

"You are so full of shit, Mister Holy. You're completely deluded to even say that it's 'not your problem'. You're the one who has to kill us if we go insane. So who's problem is it?"

"I'd say, from the way you're acting, it's _yours_."

"Why? Because I give a shit? I don't want him to go nuts and kill people? So that makes me an idiot?"

"Of course it does. And you shouldn't flatter yourself over it. No matter how you think about it, you are still an idiot."

"Oh right, I give a damn about my teammates, so I'm automatically stupid."

"Don't try to turn this around and pretend to be some kind of hero. It doesn't suit a fuck-up asshole like you."

He took a step closer, like he might take a swing at me. "You're the fuck-up, Sanzo. Especially if you're going to stand there and tell me you don't care about what happens to one of your friends."

"Friends!" I laughed. "You shitheads are not my friends, understand?"

"Right. Obviously Great Lord Sanzo is way too powerful and important to be friends with a bunch of dirt rags like us."

"See there's your problem right there. You're much too caught up in personal history—what you owe him, what he owes you—you're letting it interfere with what's actually important."

"You're the one who's all wrapped up in your issues. I don't even wanna' think about what kinda' sick, fucked up shit goes on in your head to make you not want to help your own fucking teammates!"

"I wouldn't point fingers if I were you, you clingy, little bitch."

"Shit, you're so fucked in the head, you don't even know what a normal relationship looks like."

We were head to head now, screaming in each other's face. I could see he wasn't even thinking about backing down, and I sure as hell wasn't going to.

"Normal my ass. Go ahead and tell me that your friendship with Hakkai isn't completely selfish."

"I don't know what you're-"

"He cleans up after you, he cooks for you, he helps you pay for things because you're a shitty gambler, he sits up waiting for you when you're out partying. Don't think I haven't heard all about every stupid, inconsiderate thing you've done since you started living together."

"Fuck yourself! You have no idea what you're talking about!"

"What the hell do you contribute anyway? For the life of me I can't figure out why he puts up with your bullshit! You're a useless, brain dead, selfish, thoughtless dickhead who can't put a fucking sandwich together the right way!"

"And you're a girly-ass, punk-fucking, heartless, piece of shit charlatan who doesn't care about anything he doesn't see in the mirror every day!"

"Guys!" Goku shouted. I think he'd been shouting a while now, but I hadn't noticed what he'd been saying, but now he was so loud, and his voice was so demanding, I couldn't so much as tune him out. "Stop fighting!"

I hadn't heard Goku scream quite like that in a long time—it was completely out of character for him to take on any kind of authority or to sound like he thought he knew what he was talking about. It was enough to stun us into momentary silence, and he took advantage of the hesitation, immediately. "Fightin' ain't gonna' fix nothin', all right? Screamin' at each other an' pointin' fingers at each other won't change each other. And it won't help Hakkai! We gotta' go after him, Sanzo! Maybe it's not too late."

"I'm not even going to discuss it, Goku. As far as I'm concerned, it is too late. The three of you are nothing but liabilities, and I have no use for traitors."

Goku looked genuinely hurt by my words, and I felt guilty immediately, wished there were a way to take it back.

And at the same time, it was true.

"Please, Sanzo." He asked a little more quietly, "Let's just go an' look for Hakkai. Let's just check it out."

"For the last time, I won't. If you want to, go ahead—I'm not stopping you—but leave me out of it."

Gojyo walked away immediately, "Fine. Good luck getting to India alone, dick."

"Gojyo, wait." Goku called after him.

He paused to look back at him, shoving his hands into his pockets, "Awe, forget him, Goku. Let him be an asshole if he wants; I'm not wasting a second of _my_ time dicking around with him anymore. I'm gonna' find Hakkai and do whatever I have to do to make him normal again, and _I _don't need _Sanzo _to do it."

Goku stared wide-eyed at him.

So he added, almost as an afterthought, "You can come though. That'd be cool." Then he lit a cigarette, turned away, and vanished into night.

Goku called after him a few times, but he just kept right on walking.

In a moment or two, Dokugakuji ran after him, "Goj, wait a sec!"

"Good riddance." I snorted, lighting my own cigarette.

"Sanzo? You're just lettin' 'im go?"

"Feel free to join him, if you want. I'm going back to the inn." I'd need to rest if I was going to be on foot from now on.

Goku didn't answer, and I was a little grateful for that. It would be nice if he didn't take off too, but I wasn't holding my breath, hoping against hope for it.

I turned and looked at the body of Chang again, felt another shudder stealing through me.

Unbelievable.

_Just like that, the whole team's in pieces._

Unbelievable Hakkai had done such a thing. I'd seen my teammates spill plenty of blood, watched them kill in dozens of creatively gory ways, and yet, watching Hakkai rip Chang apart with his bare hands, laughing all the while, was just a little more than I could stand. He was supposed to kill the enemy, but something so inhuman and out of character was beyond overkill.

_He didn't even need to remove his limiter._

So was the limiter not working? Had he gone berserk without anyone noticing?

_I can't trust anyone but myself, and this just proves it. I'd be lucky if they all went away._

I couldn't afford to keep babysitting those nitwits, and I certainly wasn't going to put myself in a position where I needed them.

_I know all too well how that goes. I'd be better off alone anyway._

It seemed like I might get my wish.


	17. Chapter 17

**Alright, this is finally getting interesting. :P**

**Gojyo**

"Goj! Wait a minute! Would you just wait!"

It was starting to rain lightly. I took a long drag off my cigarette and ignored him. I was walking quickly through the town, boots drumming on the stone street, passing lights and restaurants and bars and inns, but I couldn't convince myself that I was actually moving. I wanted to run. There was no way I could get out of this town, away from Sanzo, away from all this bullshit fast enough. But no. I wasn't going to run. I was going to walk quickly—very quickly—and I wasn't going to let the panic take over.

"Gojyo!" Dokugakuji snarled, "Stop!"  
I kept ignoring him. I had more important things to worry about.

_He just lost it. He was completely out of control._

I'd never seen that look on his face before. A he'd drawn back into the shadows, he'd looked so sorry, so honestly scared…. I tried to think of any time I'd seen a look that was even close to that one, but I knew I never had. Maybe the way he'd looked at me when Chin Yisou planted the seed beside my heart…. Hakkai had looked pretty sorry and scared then, but it wasn't the same. Tonight, he'd been completely horrified.

_Like he didn't know his own goddamn name._

"Gojyo. Gojyo! Will you wait up?"

_Fuck you, Jien._

Sanzo didn't want to look for him, and that was just mind-blowing to me. He thought Hakkai was berserk already, but I knew he wasn't. That look in his eyes had been too desperately regretful. We still had a chance to fix this. It was just a matter of finding him on time and acting quickly.

Wherever he was, whatever he needed me to do, I was going to find him and do it, and I didn't care if the rest of the world went to hell in the meantime.

_Why? It's not my responsibility to…_

I stopped the thought before it could even finish forming. Of course it was my responsibility. It was up to me, and if Sanzo wasn't going to help, it was up to me alone.

"Gojyo, wait!" Dokugaku grabbed my arm suddenly, pulling me to a stop.

"What?" I snapped.

"Just listen to me for a second."

I looked ahead into the darkness, anxiously. The rain was falling a little harder, and I could see the edge of town—the last few scattered, sleazy bars and whore houses lit up and ready to offer comfort against the cold, damp night—the road was a pale ribbon in the distance. I scanned the area for Hakkai, hoping I'd see him walking, but he wasn't there.

"Gojyo-"

"I'm listening, so make is quick."

If this turned into another spiel like the one he'd given me the other night I was going to clock him.

"What are you doing?"

"What do you mean?"

"Right now. Where are you going? What do you think you're going to accomplish by yourself?"

"You were there. You know where I'm going."

"I know you're going after Hakkai, but what are you gonna' do when you find him?"

"Hell if I know." I muttered, pulling out of his grip and continuing to walk.

He walked with me, "You know, there might not be anything you _can_ do."

"I know."  
"So why-"

"Because, what the hell else am I _supposed_ to do, Jien? Be like Sanzo and say 'fuck him' and keep going?"

"Maybe. You know, I get how this minus wave thing works; it's not something you just talk somebody out of."

"You fucking hypocrite. You got some balls telling me that. I mean, what if it were Kougaiji? Tellin' me you'd just forget about him, go home and put your feet up?" It was a pointed question. We had already seen what he would do if Kougaiji ever lost his sense of self.

"No, but that's different."

"How?"

"Because, it's my responsibility to protect Kou." He growled.

What was it that made me think it was my place to chase Hakkai down and try to bring him back to reality?

Fuck that, why shouldn't it be? I'd lived with the guy for three years. I saved his life.

_"He cleans up after you, he cooks for you, he helps you pay for things because you're a shitty gambler, he sits up waiting for you when you're out partying..."_

Yeah, maybe that was part of it too. Maybe I was just feeling guilty for always taking and never giving anything back.

Whatever it was, I knew it was my responsibility, and it was Goku and Sanzo's too—that was part of being on a fucking team, wasn't it?

I stopped and looked over my shoulder, half-expecting to see them coming up after me, but the street was empty except for Jien and I.

Instead, I turned to my brother, "Hey, what's this about anyway? You've been so weird lately."

He looked a little caught off guard, "It's just…I…"

"Since when is it your business, _Dokugakuji_? What the hell do you care if I chase Hakkai into oblivion?"

"If he's berserk, what do you think's gonna' happen when you find him?" He asked softly, in that 'I already know the answer, but do you?' tone I hated so much.

"Who knows? It doesn't matter though, 'cause he ain't berserk yet."

"What he did was pretty-"

"You still haven't answered my question."

"Well, don't you think the answer is obvious?"

Obvious? No. I couldn't figure out what this guy was getting at for anything in the world. Was he being cryptic, or was I just as dense as they all said I was?

It didn't matter. I didn't have time to decipher codes—had to find Hakkai.

I kept walking, "This's good for you and Kougaiji, you know. Sanzo's obviously going to keep heading west, and if I know anything about Goku, he'll go with him. There's just two of them, so taking the sutra should be easy, right?"

"I don't care about the sutra." He growled.

Blew smoke through my nose, looked at him from the corner of my eye, "No? What _do_ you care about?"

"I-"

He stopped. He stuttered. Whatever it was he cared about, he was having an awful lot of trouble choking it out. At last he said, "Alright, if you don't wanna' listen to me, you don't have to. But if I were you, I'd stay the hell away from Hakkai—he's probably going to kill you when you find him."

I just laughed. "He can give it a shot, I guess." Then I touched my ribs absently, thinking about how much they still hurt. At any rate, I'd give Hakkai a helluva fight before he ripped me open.

"Why are you doing this? Why don't you just go home?"

"Home? Ah, not this shit again, Dokugaku."

"I just don't understand it, Gojyo. From the way you just fought with Sanzo, I'd say you don't give much of a shit about going to Houtou castle, and I don't think you care about the sutra anymore than I do. So what is the deal?"

"Well…it's just something to do, okay? It doesn't really matter why."

"You're just putting a lot on the line for something you don't actually care about."

Irritated, I demanded, "What are you getting at? What the hell are you trying to get me to do? What's this, your brilliant sabotage plan? Talk Gojyo into going back east and then attack the Sanzo Team? In case you didn't notice, Jien, I'm not exactly all that important to the Team. They'd kick your sorry asses, even without me."

"All the more reason why, if I were you, I'd turn around and head home. They don't need you."

"Yeah, no shit. I didn't come because they need me."

Clearly that bewildered the living shit out of him, because he didn't say anything for a long, long time.

I got impatient and said, "Whatever you're after, whatever you're trying to get me to do, it won't work. Our team isn't set up the same way yours is, and even if I was gonna' go back east, I wouldn't do it without Hakkai, so take your pitiful, little sabotage plan and cram it up your ass."

"Gojyo." He grabbed my arm again, this time tight enough that it felt like he bruised me a little bit, "Do you remember? We grew up in the same house…we had the same father…we lived in the same town. You remember all that, don't you?"

Was _that_ part of his sabotage plan too? Now I just felt confused. "Yeah, I remember. What the hell difference does it make now?"

"That's never going to change."

"But we're gonna' change, right, _Dokugakuji_? We already have."

"Fine, I know that, but still…I don't want…" he cut off, took a deep breath, sighed, and finished resignedly, "I don't want you to go get your head ripped off by some psychotic, berserk youkai."

"I wasn't planning on it."

He gritted his teeth. I could see I was frustrating him. Good.

"Gojyo, if you don't wanna' ditch your team, I get that, but you should at least go back to Sanzo and-"

"Get bent." I snapped suddenly. Hearing the words 'go back to Sanzo' made me feel like I was gonna' hurl all over my own boots, and I damn near punched him for it. "I don't care what you think, I'm not crawling back to Sanzo. And for the record, I ain't scared of Hakkai, or of any other crazy youkai. Now why don't _you_ just run back to Kougaiji and leave me the hell alone."

"Goj-"

"Fuck you. I didn't ask for your concern, so why don't you go force it on someone else?"

"Fine." He barked, temper snapping at last, "You wanna' be that way? So be that way. See if I care."

"It doesn't matter to me if you care or not."

"Just don't come crying to me when you get yourself killed."

"I can't remember a time when I ever came crying to you."

"Yeah, well I do."

"Fuck you, Jien."

"Fuck _you_, Gojyo."

I stood and watched as he walked back the other way, slowly disappearing into the night, and then, when he was out of sight, I went on alone.

The rain continued, picking up a little, and before long, my hair was wet and heavy, but I kept walking, out of the town, onto the road. I didn't see Hakkai in the distance, and I had no idea which way he might have gone, and the rain was quickly washing away any footprints he might have left.

I decided to head up off the road and back into the woods, hoping that maybe that's what he would have done anyway. I walked further and further into the trees, until I couldn't see the lights of the town anymore, and the rain was pouring down around me, and the night was completely silent, except when I called his name at random, and still, in my head, the question rang: What was I going to do if I actually found Hakkai?

_I'll do whatever I have to do. Whatever he needs me to do…_

Hopefully that would be enough. Jien might be right about everything. Going back to Sanzo might be the smart thing to do, and yet I couldn't do that right now. I couldn't just forget about Hakkai, say 'live another day, buddy', and occasionally wonder, in years to come, what had ever happened to my once-was best friend, just because I didn't have the guts to go and find him.

I wasn't stupid—when I thought about all the things Hakkai had done for me in the last four years, the way meeting him had changed everything I was familiar with, I knew there was no way I could even begin to repay him. I hadn't done shit for him.

All the more reason I needed to find him now, because for the first time ever, I felt like he actually needed me.

Maybe he knew that, maybe not. He could be sitting somewhere, even now, hoping I came after him, not actually assuming I ever would. Not that I'd ever think about leaving him behind, or Goku for that matter. Sanzo I'd walk out on in a second, if I could, never look back, but with Hakkai and Goku it was different, and even more so with things going the way they were now.

Hell, maybe he didn't even care. Maybe he was completely berserk, and if he was, I knew he was going to kill me when I saw him, no questions asked. And then?

And then I'd be dead, and life would go on for everyone else. Goku and Hakkai were both way stronger than I'd ever be, the team could function without me, and I knew that, and I was fine with that, but that didn't mean I didn't care about this team. Fuck, what the hell else was there for me to give a shit about these days? So they didn't need me. So what? Like I said, I didn't come because they needed me, or because I needed them to need me, or because I needed them.

I paused, drenched and shuddering a little, called his name again.

There was no answer, but up ahead, I thought I saw a white, fluttering shape, and then I heard a faint, familiar chirp.

"Jeep?"

Jeep hovered a moment, beating his wings lightly against the rain, and then flew deeper into the forest, down into a steep gulch where the ground was slippery and loose.

Call me crazy, but I could have swore I heard voices down there somewhere.

I dug my boots into the mud and eased my way down the damp, slanted terrain, keeping my eyes on the vague, white speck of Jeep, and I wondered if maybe what I'd told Jien was a lie. Right now, Hakkai at least needed me, and that was enough to make me stick around. It was enough to get me away from the bars and the beer and the women to stumble like an idiot into the woods during a friggin' monsoon, and there was no way I was going home, or back to Sanzo, without him.

There was just one question that actually mattered: _Will Hakkai actually rip my head off when I find him?_

I slid to the bottom of the gully, nearly falling on my butt, waving my arms frantically to keep my balance.

It was so dark down there, I could barely see a thing; the light of my cigarette was bright orange, and the trees were slightly lighter shades of black against the inky backdrop of the forest.

But he was there. In a flash of lightning, I saw him, sitting on the ground in the mud and the wet weeds, hair and clothes soaked and still blood stained, head hung with his arms wrapped around himself.

"H-hakkai?" I choked. I didn't mean to choke; I didn't mean to sound weak or afraid, but the rain and the wind was driving right through my clothing now, and I was shivering violently, my hair was dripping, water streaming down my face, and everything was so dark and still…and I'd just watched my best friend rip a man twice his size to pieces with nothing but his bare hands. I had no idea what kind of frame of mind he was in now, but he didn't look happy.

"Hakkai." I made my voice stronger this time as I went to crouch next to him in the mud and the grass; when he didn't move or answer, I gave his shoulder a tentative touch, "Hey. You okay, man?"

"What are you doing here?" He didn't so much as look at me, and his voice was flat.

It made me hesitate and look him over again. "Lookin' for you."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why? Why wouldn't I?"

"Go away, Gojyo."

"Hakkai…look, what you did…"

"Are you honestly going to sit there and attempt to tell me that it's all right? What I did doesn't matter? Everyone's just waiting for me to come back? You must know that none of that is true."

Naw, nothin' like that. I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

"I…believe I'm losing my mind."

I sat beside him quietly, and the question came back to me again. What could I do now to help him?

"It was terrible, Gojyo. It was as if something inside my mind simply snapped without warning. When I felt his blood on my hands, I thought I heard a voice whispering to me…and then something else took over. Something that wasn't me." He held himself a little tighter, pressing his forehead against his knees, "I can't control myself…that much is clear."

Now his voice was totally somber. I couldn't even hope that maybe he was just fucking with me.

"You must leave, Gojyo."

"No way."

"You don't understand. That voice…it's still there. It won't go away. I hear it…calling to me, like someone I knew once, trying to convince me to act in ways I know I shouldn't. I-I can't guarantee that I'll still be myself when the sun rises, Gojyo…I can't guarantee that I won't be insane."

"I didn't ask for a damn guarantee, Hakkai."  
"Regardless, it's clearly in your best interest to go back to Sanzo. It isn't safe to be near me."

The part about going back to Sanzo really pissed me off, so I grabbed him roughly under the arm and dragged him to his feet. "Stop it, all right? Just shut up. I ain't interested in listening to you piss and moan and feel sorry for yourself."

"I'm not sure you understand the gravity of the situation-"

"Oh, I get it. But if you think I'm gonna' crawl back to Sanzo because you told me to go away, you got another thing comin'."

"You can't help me, Gojyo." He said softly, hanging his head, hair shading his eyes from view.

"I didn't come to help you."

Finally, he met my gaze, eyes bulging in disbelief, "What in the world did you come out here for?"

"You know me." I grinned, "I never pass up a chance to see what you look like when you're depressed."

"Gojyo…"

I slung my arm over his shoulder, "Look, man. I don't know what's happening exactly, and I have no idea what tomorrow's gonna' be like, but I know that I'd have to be a serious shithead to let you go off by yourself and maybe never see you again. I don't wanna' be sitting around the bar in ten years, wondering whatever happened to that Hakkai dude I used to know."

Hakkai pushed my arm away—not as roughly or as rudely as Sanzo would have, of course. He did it politely, almost—something I didn't see often, and I knew he was really upset. "I wish I could tell you I'm grateful for that, but I don't honestly see what it is you expect me to do now. I can't very well go on with the journey as if nothing is wrong. We'd all be foolish to think that might be possible."

"Hey, nobody said anything about going west with Sanzo. If you don't want to, we don't have to."

He shook his head, "It shouldn't be a matter of 'we'; the two of them are going to need you."

I looked at him suspiciously. "As much as _you_ need me?"

Hakkai spoke very quietly, and in the next lightning strike I saw a sad smile creep across his face, "No. I suppose not."

"Then how about you quit your whining and we get the hell out of the rain?"

He laughed again, and it sounded so close to his normal laugh I almost would have thought things were going to be okay. I just knew better, I guess.

"That may very well be the most sensible thing I've ever heard you say, Gojyo."

It could be. Not that it mattered, since it looked like being sensible didn't get you too far these days.

I woke up, feeling like I hadn't slept at all. My eyes seemed dry and heavy, and my head was throbbing very faintly, like the beginning of a headache, and even though we'd found the best shelter we could in the middle of the night—a huge tree with thick, spreading branches—my hair and my clothes and my skin were all damp from the rain.

At least now the storm had stopped. Water was dripping from the leaves and beading on the grass, but the morning sky was clear, soft gray.

Sitting up, I looked over at Hakkai, curled up next to me. Apart from being wet, he looked pretty normal. His shirt was stained with a gross amount of rusty brown, dried blood, and it was still smeared on his hands, face and neck.

I lit a cigarette and tried to ignore the aching hunger in my stomach. It looked like it was about seven or eight. Sanzo and Goku probably hadn't even left town yet—we might still have a chance to catch them. How nice would it be to doze off in the back seat of Jeep and make up for not getting enough sleep last night?

When Hakkai and I had found our shelter, it was about nine o'clock, or maybe ten, but we'd sat a long time, side by side under the tree, not talking, just looking up at the sky and waiting for the rain to pass. Eventually Hakkai had given up, briefly explained that he was exhausted, and passed out. I had laid down and tried to sleep too, but I was probably awake another two hours after he crashed, so I wouldn't be surprised if I'd only gotten a grand total of four hours of sleep time, spent tossing and turning on the wet ground.

Beside me, Hakkai stirred, and then he sat up too, rubbing his forehead and muttering. "Good morning. Sleep well?"

"Not really." I yawned.

"I suppose that's not much of a surprise." He looked down at his bloody hands, "Well, it looks as if I didn't go berserk in the middle of the night. That's very fortunate."

"Yeah, you're probably okay, huh?" I studied his face, noticing how deep his frown was today, "Just need to take it easy from now on, buddy. Deep breathing or something."

I got up, thoroughly sick of camping out and sleeping on the ground. Tonight, I'd better get to sleep in a frickin' bed. "So, wanna' get going? I bet Sanzo ain't left yet. We might even be able to grab some breakfast, if we hurry—we're not that far from the town, right? Couple miles, I'd say. Who knows? Maybe they're waiting for us to-"

"Gojyo, I'm not going back to Sanzo." He said quietly.

"What?"

"I told you so last night."

I did remember something about that now, but I guess I hadn't been counting on it. "Hey, I know you said we can't keep going like nothin's wrong, but you're okay, right? You didn't go berserk like we all thought you did, and as long as we pay attention- "But don't you see, Gojyo? There's no guarantee that I won't later today, or tomorrow, or possibly weeks from now. As long as I feel as if I'm on the brink of falling off a cliff, I can't continue going west. It wouldn't be fair to you and the others."

"So what are we supposed to do? We're hundreds of miles from home and we're pretty much in the middle of nowhere. I just…" I tried to start over, "I mean, I'm not sayin' we have to go back to Sanzo if you don't want to, but…I dunno'. You got a plan b, or something?"

With a plaintive sigh, he looked up toward the canopy, where Jeep was roosting and preening, "I'm afraid I don't have any plans whatsoever. I only know that I cannot continue traveling with the team—the way I am now, I'm hardly better than an enemy."

I decided not to argue with him, sat back down, puffing on my cigarette, "Well, okay. If that's the way you want it."

He faced me, "You know, Gojyo, you're under no obligation to stay with me. You could-"

"I told you last night." I interrupted sharply, "I'm not going to spend the rest of my life wondering what happened to you. Besides, it's not like I care _so_ much about going west." I didn't mention that I was a little worried about Goku. Ryptcore was going to keep hunting Sanzo, and as long as Goku was with Sanzo, he was in danger. I wanted to be there for the kid, but unless I could convince Hakkai to go back with me, there was nothing I could do for him, other than abandoning Hakkai.

It was an impossible situation. Stick with Hakkai or give Goku a hand? Who needed me more? Did it even matter who needed me more?

I noticed Hakkai watching me, as if he could see the thoughts all over my face, and he was just waiting to see what I would decide.

If I left him, I knew he wouldn't try to stop me. He wanted me to go. But right now, I might be the only one who could keep him from going insane.

Goku needed me too though. There was only so much he and Sanzo could do on their own, and if he had to fight Ryptcore again, he'd probably wind up taking his diadem off again. If all four of us couldn't be there to face Ryptcore, three of us would be better than just Goku and Sanzo.

But if Goku could, I figured he'd want to come help Hakkai in person. It was only his loyalty to Sanzo—and Sanzo's stubborn assholeness—that kept him from being here now too. Maybe he'd want me to stick with Hakkai, since he couldn't be here himself.

"Hell." I ground my cigarette into the mud, "I dunno' what to do."

"I suppose, in the meantime, I thought I might continue traveling west, only separately from the group. After all, there's always the possibility that I may get my act together, in due time, and be able to rejoin the party." He looked thoughtful, lowered his eyes momentarily, "I never meant to abandon all of you. Not completely."

"Couldn't blame ya' if you did."  
"…Though, if I _do_ keep moving west, always aware of Sanzo's location, you could continue traveling with Sanzo and Goku, and then-"

"Naw, I can't stand bein' around Sanzo anymore. I think I'll stick with you a while."

"Gojyo, if I do go berserk, I assume you will be the first person I attack."

My eyes met his, "That supposed to scare me?"

"No. Only-"

"So shut up. I ain't scared of you, Hakkai."

He sighed, "Well, I can't decide what you should do, I suppose."

"Damn straight."

For a while, neither of us said anything, and the sun kept rising. I went through another three cigarettes, stomach growling the whole time, before I broke the silence, "Hey, Hakkai? What're we gonna' eat?"

"Hm. I hadn't really thought of that…but I assume there are still all the normal things."

"Normal things?"

"Oh, you know. Roots. Berries. The occasional human being."

"Man, I guess your sense of humor is just as warped as ever."

He laughed, getting to his feet, but it sounded insincere and a little nervous, and I couldn't help wondering if part of him had been serious. "Come on." He offered me his hand, and I let him pull me up for camaraderie's sake.

"Let's scavenge, shall we?"

We 'scavenged' for most of the morning, but it wasn't like we found anything especially filling to eat. Mostly it was all the stuff he'd listed off: roots, berries, mushrooms and other plants. Somehow Hakkai knew which ones were edible and which ones would make us sick. That was good, because I didn't have a fucking clue. For the most part, the roots and berries took the edge off the hunger, just for a little while, kick-started the old metabolism, and then the hunger came back a little fiercer than before. But we had Jeep with us, and he found a couple nests for us to rob, so Hakkai and I wound up sharing an egg after all. Sometimes we found a fruit tree, and both of us grabbed as much fruit as we could carry, but it only lasted for a day or two. I found a fat, green caterpillar, and Hakkai dared me to eat it, which I said I'd never do, and he laughed at me and said that in a couple of days, when I was about to starve to death, I'd beg to eat a caterpillar. He could be right.

Water was a bigger issue anyway. Every now and then, we'd stumble across a stream we could drink from, but we didn't have any containers to store it in, and there was only so much we could drink in one sitting, so I probably spent most of our hike dehydrated.

Other than that, it wasn't half-bad trekking through the wilderness with Hakkai. He was always making fun of me or laughing at my expense or telling me something about the plants and wildlife around us, and I teased him so much, he finally gave me that half-annoyed, partially-tolerant 'that's enough now' look, which I probably hadn't seen since we'd left home. Weird. I'd sort of missed that look. With Goku and Sanzo always around, there wasn't a lot of time to work toward getting on Hakkai's nerves particularly, especially since Sanzo and Goku were easier targets. There was something familiar and comforting about teasing the shit out Hakkai though. Somehow it made me feel like I was the only person in the world capable of getting under his skin. Like maybe I was the only person he'd put up with it for.

When we got sick of talking and laughing at each other, we walked a long, long time, just being quiet, and that was cool too. I can be a talkative guy, if I wanna' be, but even I run out of stuff to say, and when I did, it was good not to feel any obligation to try to make conversation.

In a way, walking all day with Hakkai made me remember some of the errands we'd run for Sanzo in the past. He was always having us do something crazy—climb the mountain to reach a hidden shrine, travel to some outlaw town to reclaim a piece of stolen treasure, stake out some barely traveled path to watch for some criminal he was supposed to be apprehending in person. Those were the days.

"Running errands for Sanzo…" I blurted out loud when we'd been quiet for two hours straight.

"Yes. What about it?" His voice was casual and unassuming.

"That really sucked, huh?"

"In what way? Because it was so much work, or because it was for Sanzo?"

"Both, I guess."

"Well, I didn't mind so much." He reached up to pat Jeep's head, "It was our main source of income, you know."

"Yeah, yeah, we really owe Sanzo big, or whatever."

Hakkai smiled at me, brightly, maybe the most genuine smile I'd seen from him in days, "It wasn't just the money though, Gojyo. I feel as if I learned a great deal on those errands, don't you?"

"Guess so." I answered apathetically, but I knew what he meant.

The stupid jobs Sanzo had sent us on had ranged from tedious to unbelievably dangerous, but that was probably where I'd gotten to know Hakkai the best. Working with him, I'd learned how to fight with him, how to play off his moves and sometimes, even what he said. I'd figured out how his mind worked, where he drew lines concerning moral issues, points of view on things I'd never considered in my whole life, what he really, really cared about. Sure, living together made you see a lot of different sides of a person, but fighting side by side and problem solving and almost dying together, wandering through the backwoods together, having to bail each other out over and over, that taught you a lot too. I knew how heavy he was because he'd stood on my shoulders to climb through a window once. I knew how many dirty jokes I could tell him before I offended his well-bred sense of what was appropriate. I knew if I fell on my face he'd pick me up. If I got my guts ripped open, he had the first aid kit. If he said he gave a shit, that meant he really, actually gave a shit.

I glanced at him now.

If he went berserk, that Hakkai I knew so well, that Hakkai I'd lived with for three years, who I'd gone on those irritating, little missions with, who'd made me breakfast every day, no matter how much of a drunk ass I was the night before, the Hakkai who's life I'd saved, who'd saved my life…he'd just…disappear.

He was frowning now. He wasn't really himself, hadn't been all day. Past his harmless jabs and his boring lessons about 'this tree here' or 'that frog there' I could tell he was troubled. I could tell he was scared.

I was scared too, now that I thought about it. I didn't want that guy who I'd dragged home bloody, with his guts spilling all over my carpet, the guy I was walking next to now, to disappear.

"Think Sanzo's gonna' come up with a whole shit ton of odd jobs for us to do when we get home?"

"I certainly hope so. If not, we're stuck relying on you winning poker."

"I'm not that bad at poker, you know."

"True. You do have your moments."

I punched him in the arm again, but lighter than I had the other night when he and Goku were moping around the fire. I hated to feel like I was moping now. I just wished there was more of a guarantee.

I sighed, expelling a light cloud of cigarette smoke, "You can't go crazy on me, Hakkai…"

He didn't answer. It was too heavy. It was too blunt. It wasn't the kind of thing I'd usually say.

It didn't matter, because I had to say it out loud.

"That would really, really suck for me."

"I know it would."

Momentarily, I wondered if he actually knew, if he really got it, but I let that pass almost immediately, because I knew he did. I knew, because one drunken, stormy night, I'd laid on the beat up, shitty, little couch with a bottle of baijiu and mumbled on and on about how my mom used to beat the shit out of me and how Jien killed her to save my life, and how nothing had made sense ever since. He was the only person I'd ever told that story to, and I could still see him sitting in the chair across from me, not speaking, just listening, and looking at me, but not pityingly. Just listening.

Ever since then, it was really hard to imagine life without Hakkai. It was hard to remember what I'd done before he came along. It was worse to think about what I'd do if he snapped and ran off.

I decided to ease up on the heavy stuff, and he started talking about the weather instead. Good. I'd talk about anything to keep my mind off the idea of Hakkai going crazy.

After all, it was just dandy to tell myself I wouldn't let that happen—that I'd do whatever I had to do to prevent it—but in reality, I had to face the fact that there was probably nothing I could do.

We walked all day, only stopping a couple times to take a break or eat whatever we were able to forage, and when it got too dark to see, we laid down under the stars, not even bothering to build a fire. I locked my hands behind my head to serve as a pillow, and Jeep curled up on Hakkai's chest, chin draped across his shoulder, and we were quiet. At least it was clear out tonight.

"It's not as if you need me." Hakkai said quietly, after some time had passed.

I tilted my head to look at him, his face white in the moonlight, "What do you mean?"  
"You said it would suck for you…if I go berserk. I'm not doubting that, but…I just thought I'd remind you that you got along fine before we ever met."

"Fine…"

I thought about what my life _had_ been like before Hakkai came along. My teenage years were a blur of alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling and fist fights, and I knew that in that whole montage of beautiful women—some who I could still see and feel and taste—among the sloughs of drinking buddies and poker rivals, friendly bartenders, well-meaning do-gooders who wanted to get me off the streets and give me a normal life, none of them had ever meant a shit to me. None of them had ever gotten me, and I'd never gotten them. More importantly, none of them had ever cared. No girl who whispered that she loved me when we were wrapped in the same warm, damp sheets. No drunk pal who slapped me on the back and told me I was a good guy. No pitying bartender who shook his head, put his hand on my shoulder and gently eighty-sixed me. No disapproving, kindly old lady who told me I could have a warm meal and the room upstairs if I'd help her around the house. None of them actually cared, and if they had, I didn't believe them. Because since I was a kid, I never believed there was room in this world for me—I never believed that a shamed, cursed, red-headed bastard like me even deserved to have friends.

"I barely got by." I muttered, feeling almost bewildered by the idea that I was alive to think about it now. "I'm lucky I made it."

After all, being fourteen and relying on winning a hand of poker just to get a half-way decent dinner was pretty rough. Getting chased around by thugs and running into trouble with everybody from the local mob boss to the local law enforcement sucked ass. There were so many drunk nights I'd spent wishing I didn't have to get up and do it again the next day. There were so many nights—drunk and sober—I didn't think I could stand being alone, not even for another second. I guess that's why I wound up teaming up with Banri. He was a fucking asshole, but at least I wasn't by myself anymore. Barely skating by. All by myself.

"That's not because of me." Hakkai said starkly.

"I know."

"You grew up. You got to be an adult, and then getting by wasn't so hard. It wasn't because I came along. It's not because you need me."

"I _know._"

"No matter what happens to me, your life is going to continue."

He didn't say unaffected though.  
"Hakkai." I sat up on my elbows, "I don't give a shit what happens to me tomorrow or in fifty years. Whether or not I 'need' you isn't the point: either way, I don't want you to go crazy."

"I appreciate that."

I laid back down. "Anyway, who's gonna' cook and clean and take out the trash if you're gone? Who in the hell's gonna' rinse out my ash tray?"  
"You really didn't do any of that before we met?"

"Hell no."

"In that case, it might be good for you were something to happen to me; at the very least, you'd be forced to become more responsible."

"I don't know if I could handle being more responsible."  
"It is somewhat hard to picture."

"Just don't lose it, alright, Hakkai?"

He was quiet a long time. I listened to the crickets chirping and waited.

"I'll do my best." He said at last.

I closed my eyes, and as I was slipping off to sleep, I murmured, barely aware of what I was saying, "It's not that I need you. It's just that I want you to be around."

He was quiet a while, and then he shifted around, finally answered me with a soft-spoken, "Go to sleep, Gojyo."

The way he said it made me feel kinda' silly and I thought about what Sanzo had said, about me being a clingy, little bitch. I didn't feel clingy, but I guess he could be right. Anyway, it wasn't like me to talk like this out loud. Not even to Hakkai.

Then again, I might never get another chance to say those things.


	18. Chapter 18

**I'm gonna' have to work extra hard on making my Sanzo and Goku sections good... Not off to a great start. =/**

**Goku**

I looked back over my shoulder, but they weren't there, and that was probably the weirdest thing I'd seen all week. Instead, Kougaiji and Dokugaku were trailing us, maybe a half a mile away. Behind them, I could see the town where Gang and Chang had attacked us. Beyond that was the purple mountains and a sea of forest green. Sanzo was beside me, walking steadily, looking ahead like nothing was wrong, but there was no Hakkai and no Gojyo.

I kept thinking they'd show up out of nowhere, but they never did. All night I'd sat up in my room, waiting and listening, but they never came. I didn't get much sleep, but at breakfast, they still weren't there. Sanzo was acting like nothing was wrong. I didn't think I should even bring them up.

Where did it all get messed up anyway? I couldn't piece it all together, I just knew we weren't on a roll like usual. Every enemy we ran into was way too strong. It didn't matter though, because we couldn't get along anyway, so we couldn't beat even a weak enemy right now.

But why?

I looked out into the woods. They were thinning out, but they'd still make a good hiding place. Ryptcore was probably in there somewhere. Or somebody just as gross. All those half-bloods were dead, and it was because of us. Ryptcore was going to do that to every village we went to, if we let him.

All those half-bloods…

I'd had so much fun in that village. It had been such a perfect place, like the rest of the world didn't matter, and neither did any of its problems. Now it was gone.

That made me sad.

Was it our fault?

There were bigger problems. I kept telling myself that we had other things to worry about. Like Hakkai. I thought we should at least be trying to get him back to normal, but Sanzo wouldn't listen to Gojyo, so why should he listen to me?

A little voice inside me said, _He hates Gojyo—that's why he won't listen to him…_

Yeah, that made sense. Sanzo had to know we couldn't do this by himself. He had to know that going to find them and getting Hakkai back to normal was the only way to get out of all this.

But when I looked at him, he looked way calm. Nothing was wrong. He didn't seem scared or nervous or even annoyed. Just another day for him, maybe.

_Maybe he really doesn't care…_

Like Gojyo said…

No. No way. I wasn't gonna' think that about Sanzo, ever. Sure he was mean sometimes. I didn't always get what he was thinking. But I knew that he cared. He had to. I think…the thing with Sanzo…was just that he thought he couldn't look like he cared. But there was no way he didn't. When I thought about all the things he did for me, I couldn't think nothing bad about him. I couldn't say 'you don't care' and storm away like Gojyo did.

_Gojyo and Sanzo…don't get each other._

Hakkai told me that once. Not quite that way, I guess. He said somethin' about them 'being unable to understand one another,' but it was definitely the same thing as not getting' each other. I think.

He said some other stuff too. He said he thought they had sort of similar childhoods: being on their own from age twelve and eleven all the way until they were adults. Both of them grew up on the streets. I thought maybe that was enough. Maybe they could get each other if they had that in common. It was frustrating. I wanted to tell them that if they just sat down and talked about it, they might start understanding, and then they'd stop fighting.

But Hakkai said that wasn't enough. He talked a long time, but in the end, he had to break it down for me. Somehow Hakkai always broke it down in a way that didn't make me feel totally stupid.

I'd never forget what he said.

_"…in the end, Goku, Sanzo is Sanzo, and Gojyo is Gojyo, and no matter what they have in common, they can never admit anything to each other or about each other…"_

I think it took me a long time to get what he meant by that, but I'd been piecing it together ever since.

Sanzo was Sanzo. He was an orphan. He grew up in a temple. I guess he had a pretty nice foster-dad-sanzo-guy. Then something happened. Something he didn't like to talk about, and he was on his own, and I didn't know anything about what happened after that, before he found me and changed my whole world. But he was always acting like nothing mattered. He was always acting like he didn't care—couldn't care—and I could see how people might think he was completely heartless.

Gojyo was Gojyo. He was an orphan too. As far as I knew, he grew up with Dokugakuji—I can't believe how long it took me to figure out that Dokugakuji was Gojyo's brother—he had a step mom who was mean to him. Dokugakuji killed her to save his life. I didn't know anything past that either. He was just a crazy, pervy, immature guy. The way he slept around with girls, I guess he wanted to think he'd never get attached to anybody—Hakkai said that too—but I think Gojyo had an issue with caring too much.

So there was a lot in common in there. Orphans. Not-real parents. Losing the one person in the world they could count on. Some crazy traumatic experience that left them with their scars. Wandering the world alone until they found somebody who actually cared about them. It seemed like, with so many things in common, they shouldn't have so much trouble getting along.

But Hakkai told me that living your life and experiencing things didn't make you who you were. Not completely. They still had their own personalities. That's where things got messed up, I guess.

So they could never admit anything to each other or about each other.

That was the thing that really confused me.

What did that mean?

"Sanzo?" I asked, not even thinking about the question really, "D'ya' think Gojyo found Hakkai?"

"What?" I knew it wasn't that he didn't hear me. He didn't want to talk about this. I could always tell when Sanzo didn't want to talk about something. His voice was sort of like a stone wall.

"Last night. D'ya' think he found him?"

"I have no idea, and I really couldn't care less anyway."

"Yeah…but…if he found 'im, an' Hakkai's berserk, he prob'ly killed him, right?" I really didn't think Hakkai would kill Gojyo, even if he did go berserk. How could he? How could he not look at him and say to himself 'that's Gojyo. We lived together for three years', an' then just cut it out?

Maybe my friends wondered the same thing about me when I lost my limiter.

"I just told you, monkey. I don't give a shit."

"Do you really not care?" I asked softly. Maybe if he didn't care, I'd been wrong about Sanzo all along. Maybe Gojyo was right about him being a trigger happy asshole who'd shoot me without thinking about it.

Sanzo looked over his shoulder at me. His face…it looked wrong, now that I thought about it. It wasn't as normal as I imagined—like there was somethin' swimming around under the surface. Worry maybe? Worried about the others? Or worried about the bad guys sneaking up on us?

"What is that supposed to mean? I told you I don't care. That should be good enough for you."

For once, I didn't feel hungry. Just scared.

"S-Sanzo…I just… I don't think we shoulda' left 'em behind."

"We didn't leave them behind, Goku. They left. They both just left."

"Hakkai needs our help!" I blurted. "He's gonna' go crazy unless we help 'im."

Sanzo sighed, "I heard the whole rant last night."

"It's true though, isn't it?"

"Even if it is, Gojyo's got that covered, so just shut up and keep walking."

Keep walking, keep walking, keep walking. Did Gojyo really have it covered? Maybe Gojyo was dead. Sanzo had to care about that. Even if he didn't like Gojyo…he had to care about if he was dead or not. I don't know why. I just _needed_ him to care. Even if he didn't want to admit it, I needed to know that he did.

Why?

_'Cause I care about Gojyo._ I thought simply. I didn't need to sugarcoat it or hide it or pretend I didn't. Sure, I didn't act like I was in love with him—that'd be so gross—but he was my friend. If he died I'd be really sad. I didn't want him to get hurt and I didn't want him to go away. Why was that such a big deal?

I cared about Hakkai too. He was always so nice and he'd taught me so much stuff. I liked the way he looked out for me, and how he treated me like a person, no matter what. He didn't call me stupid or make fun of me. I didn't want him to go crazy, because then I'd never see him again. We'd have to kill him maybe. Or he might disappear. I didn't want him to disappear. I didn't want Sanzo to shoot him.

Couldn't it be like that for Sanzo too? Couldn't it be a secret?

I mean, I'd never told that I cared about them. It wasn't a secret. It just wasn't something I said out loud. I didn't need to.

Maybe it was a secret for Sanzo, but they were his friends. If they wound up dead some place, he'd have to care. He'd have to feel sad and miss them. Even if he never said it. Even if no one even guessed it mattered to him.

_He can't admit it…_

I noticed Sanzo taking a long, hard look into the woods, like he thought he'd see them there. Maybe, I thought, he was missing them now. Maybe he was wishing they were here with us, just like I was.

How would it feel if you were counting on somebody and something happened to them? What if they died? What if they left you on purpose?

I tried to think about that. I tried really, really hard to focus on that thought. What if Sanzo left me? What if he just took his gun and his cigarettes and he went away forever, not because he didn't care about me though. Just because there was something somewhere he cared about more.

That would suck, because I was counting on him. I needed him.

And if he was counting on Gojyo and Hakkai, maybe he was really upset that they were gone. Because he knew he needed them to get to India.

"I bet we could find 'em pretty easy, if we looked. I bet they ain't far away."

"For the last time, Goku, I don't care what happens to those two miscreants." He added viciously, "If you're so worried, feel free to go find them yourself. The three of you can go live happily ever after, for all I care—I don't need any of you."

It made me feel a little mad to hear him say that. "Really? Ya' think you could get to India alone?"

"Of course I could. I don't need you, and I never have."

"Then what did'ja' bring me for?" I demanded.

"You were the one who wanted to come with me."

"Yeah. 'Cause I didn't want ya' to die walkin' to India alone."

"Hmph. You three are truly disgusting. You have yourselves convinced that I couldn't get to India alone, but the truth is that the only reason this mission has succeeded so far is because I've been here to hold everything together."

"What're you sayin'? Nothin' we've done on this trip mattered?"

"Exactly."

"Hey! How can ya' say that, Sanzo?"

He looked at me, hesitantly, and I almost thought he'd take it back.

But he didn't, and I tried to calm down. I knew screaming at Sanzo wouldn't help anything.

"Why don't'cha' trust us, Sanzo?"

"Look around. Why do you think I don't trust you?"

"I dunno."

"You're three youkai, you're all a step away from going berserk every day, and when you do, you're going to do your best to kill me. Besides, I turn my back for one minute, and you all desert me. I'd be stupid to-"

"I ain't deserted ya'. An' I don't think Hakkai an' Gojyo did either."

"Well they're not here, now are they, monkey?"

I scanned the woods and the road ahead of us, "Naw. But I think they'll come back."

"Hn. You're so naïve, Goku. The two of them don't care about this mission, and they don't care about what happens to us."

That was a lie, and I knew it. Saying Sanzo didn't care, and saying Hakkai or Gojyo didn't care were really, really different.

_Not a lie…he might actually think that._

How could he?

"They _do_ care about us!"

"Keep right on telling yourself that." He walked a little faster, getting a few steps ahead of me.

No. No. He was wrong. I knew he was wrong.

How?

Same way I knew Gojyo was wrong about Sanzo not caring about me. At first, I'd gone off to find Sanzo. I think I had wanted to ask him if Gojyo was right, but in the end, when I found him, I'd decided I didn't need to. I remembered what it was that made me realize that Sanzo cared about me in the first place.

_'…I could never leave an idiot like you all alone…'_

He was there. He came and he found me, like he'd heard me calling him. The feeling I got when I was with him…it was almost familiar. Like I'd had it before. I knew it from the way he looked at me and talked to me and the way he touched me. Because he took care of me. He fed me when I was hungry and he stayed close to me when I was hurt. I knew Sanzo cared about me because I could see it in everything he said and did—he didn't have to tell me.

It was the same way with the others. When Hakkai made me something to eat, When Gojyo ruffled my hair, I knew it was because they cared about me.

And Sanzo was wrong.

"They do care." I said a little more loudly, just to make sure he could hear me, "The only reason they ain't here now is 'cause Hakkai doesn't wanna' go nuts an' hurt any of us, an' Gojyo doesn't wanna' lose track of him."

"Isn't that romantic?" He sneered.

"You know I'm right, Sanzo." I jogged up next to him, "I don't always know what I'm talkin' about, but this time I know I'm right. _You're _the one with the problem."

"What t he hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You think ya' can't trust us—we're all just gonna' run off on you—right?"

He sounded really frustrated. I thought he sounded scared. "Look around Goku: it's already happening."

"But it's not."

"Those two dumbasses are gone, and you-"

I grabbed his arm. I'd never done that before. I guess I'd never thought I had the right to. It was amazing what it did though: Sanzo stopped right in his tracks, quit talking, and just gawked at me like he couldn't believe what I'd done.

"I ain't goin' anywhere, Sanzo. You can trust me, 'cause I ain't gonna' let you down, ever."

His expression changed from shocked back to a little more natural, but it looked like he relaxed too.

"An' even if ya' don't think you can trust Hakkai and Gojyo, I know ya' can."

"How can you say you know that? You have no idea what they're going to do."

"I know 'em." I grinned at him. "An' I trust 'em. Neither of 'em have ever let me down. They're not gonna'."

He sighed, "Goku…you don't understand."

"I do. What if I went berserk? I know you'd prob'ly hafta' kill me, but I know you wouldn't wanna'. I know you'd do anythin' you could ta' get me back to normal before you killed me. I know that the same way I know Hakkai an' Gojyo would never leave us ta' beat Ryptcore by ourselves."

He looked up the road again, but this time I thought I saw some hope in his eyes.

"They're comin' back, Sanzo. Some time soon. An' in the meantime, I ain't leavin' you."

Whether there was hope in his eyes or not, Sanzo just snorted, kind of sarcastically. "Well, as long as _you're_ sure, monkey.

I started to say more, but this girly voice suddenly called out from behind us. "Sanzo-San!"

We stopped. I looked back down the road. Kougaiji and Dokugakuji were still way behind us, but they'd stopped too, and there was a girl with red hair running up to us. She passed them and kept coming our way.

"Hey, that looks like Lei…" I said, shielding my eyes so I could see better.

"Hn. Great, just what we need."

"What'dya' think she wants?"

"Hell if I know."

"We gonna' talk to her?"

I don't know why I felt like I had to ask. I guess, the way Sanzo was acting, I kinda' wouldn't be surprised if he just kept walking.

He didn't answer me, but he didn't walk away either. I locked my hands behind my head and waited for her to reach us.

It was definitely Lei. Her long red hair wasn't tied up like usual though, it was flying everywhere, and there was dirt on her face and skirt. "Sanzo-san." She was panting, "Sanzo-san, wait…please wait…"

"Hey, what's wrong?" I asked, when she was finally in front of us. I checked to see if she was hurt, but she looked okay.

"Gojyo…Gojyo… Where's Gojyo?"

Sanzo looked and sounded so annoyed, I kinda' wished she wouldn't have asked us that. "What makes you think _I_ know?"

She looked really surprise when he said that. "What…? I thought…I thought he'd be with you…"

"Those two bastards ditched us, not that it's any of your business. I have no idea where Gojyo is—I'd check the nearest whore house, if I were you."

"But…but…"

I got the feeling she was really upset about something. I thought she was going to start crying; I asked, "What'cha' lookin' for Gojyo for? Is somethin' wrong?"

The way she looked up at me, I got the feeling she still hated me, for some reason, but at least she decided to answer, "It's Deshi. Deshi's gone…"

"Deshi?" That was the little kid who'd been with us ever since we left the half-blood village, the kid I gave the lighter to. "What'dya' mean 'gone'?"

When we reached the town the other day, Deshi seemed really upset. He didn't want to eat, and I couldn't get him to talk either. The only thing he'd say was that he didn't want to be there, that he wanted to go with Gojyo. I thought he would come around and cheer up, but in the morning…he was gone. I searched the entire village for him, but he's just not there."

"So ya' think he ran away?"

"Yes. I'm sure. It sounds stupid, I know, but I'm sure he's looking for Gojyo."

"Is he really that attatched ta' him?"

Lei tucked some hair behind her ear. I thought her red hair and eyes were really pretty, and it made me miss Gojyo. I even looked down the road for him, but it was only Kougaiji and Dokugaku, off in the distance, watching us.

"Deshi told me once that Gojyo resembles his older brother in looks _and_ personality. That must be why he's so drawn to him. That's the only reason I can think of for him to come after him."

Made sense to me. Gojyo was a lot like a big brother to me too. Actually, I think he was a lot like a big brother to everybody, even though Sanzo and Hakkai were both older than him. He was such a dumb ass about taking care of himself, but he was always trying to help everybody with their issues.

Even while I was thinking about what a nice guy he really was, Sanzo was growling, "What a waste of time. That bastard's such a dip shit, there's no way he can be that kid's brother. He can't even take care of himself, that's why he's always leeching off everyone else."

Lei seemed sort of surprised again, "Well…I still think Deshi is trying to catch up to you guys. I really don't know where else he would go."

"Gojyo's not with us. You wasted your time running after us."

Sanzo was being pretty mean to her. I mean, he was always mean, but I thought he was over doing it.

"Is he going to meet up with you later?" Lei looked around, like Gojyo was going to come out of the trees or somethin'.

Sanzo didn't answer. He just frowned and lit another cigarette.

"Uh-huh." I grinned at her. "Eventually. He an' Hakkai had ta' go off by themselves for a while, but we'll be seein' 'em again, at some point. Right Sanzo?"

Sanzo muttered something under his breath. "Maybe."

"Well, in that case, I humbly ask to go with you, until he comes back." She bowed to Sanzo, "That is, if it's not too much trouble."

"Why are you dragging us into this? Why don't you go and look for Gojyo yourself, or better yet, the kid you lost."

Lei stammered, "Y-yes…well, but I thought-"

I decided I better help her out. "I don't think it's safe for a girl ta' be walkin' around by herself. 'Specially not if Ryptcore's runnin' loose. Right, Sanzo?"

Sanzo shook his head but said nothing. I could tell he was unhappy.

"She better stick with us. Huh?"

"This isn't our problem, Goku, and we can't afford to be sidetracked any longer."

That was definitely his way of telling me we were going to leave her behind. I tried to think of something to say that would change his mind. Hakkai was always the one who convinced Sanzo to do something. He was the only one who was ever smart enough to come up with a good reason. I tried to think like him. "Yeah…but she's not gonna' get us sidetracked. She's just askin' ta' come with us, an' when Gojyo comes back-"

_"If_ Gojyo comes back."

"-she can talk ta' him."

"I still don't see why." He was starting to walk again. "There's no guarantee that kid even _found_ Gojyo. You'd be better off looking for him on your own."

"Maybe that's true." She said calmly, "But right now this is the only lead I have, so if it's all the same to you, I'd like to stay with you until you meet up with Gojyo."

"Hn. Do whatever you want then."

He didn't even look back at her.

She followed us anyway though. Most of the day, she walked by herself, between us and Kougaiji. I tried to hang back and talk to her every now and then, but she was always acting like she had nothing to say to me, even though I was nicer to her than Sanzo was. But I didn't take it personally—I got the feeling she didn't really like youkai at all. Besides, after everything that had happened, whether I'd killed a bunch of her friends or not, I couldn't really blame her if she didn't wanna' trust me. I felt bad for her. She looked sad all the time, and she was always staring down at her feet. I could tell she was really worried about Deshi. I wanted to help her find him; I didn't think the kid should be off on his own.

"Sanzo's prob'ly wrong." I told her when we stopped to take a break. She was a ways down the road from us still, but I went to sit next to her for a little while. "He prob'ly _did_ find Gojyo."

Lei wrinkled her nose, "How do you figure?"

"Dunno'. Goj's easy ta' find, kinda'. 'Sides, I just feel like he must have. Don't you?"

"That's very optimistic, Goku-san." She said coldly.

"Heheh." I pulled an apple out of my bag—it sort of sucked to have to carry all our luggage now that Jeep was gone—handed it to her. It seemed like forever ago since I picked those apples, and stuff had seemed simpler back then. We didn't know how wrong everything was gonna' go. "Here. Ya' need ta' eat. I always feel better if I'm not hungry."

She took the apple and turned it over in her hands. It was red like her eyes and hair. "Thank-you."

I watched her a second, trying to think of something else that might make her feel better. "I think your hair's really pretty. Your eyes too."

Her face softened a little, like maybe she didn't hate me so much right then, "Not everyone feels that way…"

"I know. Gojyo's weird about his hair an' stuff too." I thought about how I was teasing him about cutting it just a couple days ago. It made me really miss him. And Hakkai too. I wondered if they were okay. I wondered what they were eating.

"He didn't seem weird about it." She muttered, "He seems pretty comfortable with you people."

I tried to ignore the tone of her voice, like she thought there was something wrong with that. "Well, yeah. We're his friends. We love the guy."

Oops. I didn't really mean to say that out loud. I never had before. I wasn't totally in touch with my emotions like some people were, I guess, but I knew when I felt something, and I knew the way I felt about my friends, and the way they all felt about me. I also knew it wasn't really something any of us were supposed to admit to. I checked around to make sure none of the guys were coming over to kick my ass for telling her that.

Still…it _was _true. What was the big deal about that? You'd have to love Gojyo to put up with all his stupid bullshit.

"Love." Lei almost whispered, and she was staring down at the apple. "I guess…I don't know what that's like. I don't know it when I see it. No one has ever loved me. I grew up thinking no one could ever love a child of taboo."

"Really? Like…it's impossible or something?" I wondered if Gojyo felt that way too. It was weird to think about. Before I met Sanzo, I didn't really worry about whether people could love me or not, I just wanted someone to be with me. After I met Sanzo, I didn't worry about it either, because I finally had somebody to rely on. Now it didn't matter, 'cause what I had was just normal, and at the same time, it still felt new sometimes, and when I thought about being in that cage…I was just really grateful that Sanzo came when he did.

Lei was looking hard at me, "You three actually care about him?"

"Um…yeah. I mean, like I said…"

"Hm." She frowned. I heard her mutter, "No wonder he didn't go with us; he wouldn't have fit in anyway…I can't believe I thought he'd change his mind…"

It didn't seem like she was actually talking to me, but what she said made me think of something else. Something from before Ryptcore burned down the half-blood village.

Me and Gojyo had been walking through the woods. I had really wanted to tell him it was okay if he stayed in the village. I had thought that was what he wanted to hear. Maybe it was even what he _needed _to hear. I guess I had thought it was my job, for some reason.

_"You're good at makin' friends."_

_ "…Goku…do you know what a friend is? Like, a real friend?"_

_ "Somebody ta' hang out with?"_

_ "You're right…I am good at that…"_

_ "I don't mean girls."_

_ "Neither do I."_

_ "…I just think you'd fit in here…"_

_ "You think so?"_

I remembered how confused he had looked when he turned to me. I thought at the time he might not believe me. Now that I was thinking back on it…I wondered if he really _was_ confused. I realized I was basically telling him to stay behind, and maybe that _wasn't_ what he needed or wanted to hear after all.

But…everyone there _was_ just like Gojyo. I guess at the time, it made sense for him to stay.

_ "They're all just like you."_

_ "…I don't know about that…I don't really know if I belong here…"_

_ "So where dya' think you belong?"_

Lei asked him that too, before Dokugakuji took the half-bloods up to the second village. _"If you don't belong with us_ _where _do_ you belong?"_

And he'd said it just like he'd said it to me. _"Hell if I know…"_

Now, I was starting to realize something. I was starting to realize I was wrong when I said a friend was someone to hang out with. I mean, not really _wrong_ wrong, but…not exactly right. When I thought about the guys, and everything I felt toward them, by themselves and all together, I knew that wasn't what it was at all. I didn't think Gojyo would have chased crazy, berserk Hakkai into the woods on a rainy night if being friends just meant he was someone to hang out with. And I wouldn't be sticking with Sanzo like this if that's what it meant either.

So being friends had to mean something else. Something deeper.

_"…we're friends…we love the guy…"_

_ Maybe ya' didn't belong there after all…maybe ya' belong…_

Where did _I_ belong?

I turned to look up the road at Sanzo. He was standing under a tree, his back to me, facing west. He was so sure our friends were going to abandon us, and I didn't know why. I didn't really care, I realized, about making him believe he was wrong. I didn't even really care if he thought _I_ was going to leave him. All that mattered was that he _was_ wrong, and I wasn't going anywhere, because I belonged with Sanzo. I always had, and I probably always would.

But Sanzo wasn't just my friend.

Hakkai and Gojyo were friends. Or maybe, sometimes, I thought they were kinda' like brothers. But Sanzo wasn't any of that to me. Not a friend. Not a brother. If I had to label Sanzo…he was my father. It was weird, and maybe sorta' stupid too, 'cause he wasn't that much older than me, and I didn't know how a dad was s'posed to act, really, but he fed me and looked after me and bossed me around. He seemed like a dad in a lot of ways. That was why I belonged with him, because he was always going to be everything to me. Absolutely everything.

_That's the kinda' stuff ya' don't walk out on._

And that's the same kinda' reason Gojyo didn't go with Lei to the other village, 'cause in the end, she was just another girl he was gonna' do once and walk away from, but if being a hanyou was anywhere near as hard as they acted like it was, he was never going to find anybody like the three of us ever again. People that were nice to him and didn't treat him like garbage.

_Kinda' sad…_

Kinda' not.

I wondered if he knew all that when he decided not to stay. I sort of didn't think so. He didn't act like he knew it. I was sort of surprised I was piecing it together.

Lei was staring at me. I wondered how weird I had been acting for the last couple of minutes. I smiled at her, "Heheh, sorry. I'm totally spacin' out. Anyway, I wouldn't worry too much—Gojyo's definitely comin' back." I figured, even if Hakkai went berserk and ran off, Gojyo would still come back to us, just 'cause that's what he was like, "An' I bet anything Deshi's with him by now. It's all gonna' be okay."

She looked at me a little bit longer, and I thought she'd wrinkle her nose again and say something mean.

Instead, she slowly smiled back. "Thank-you, Goku-san…I really needed to hear that."

"No problem." At least I had made _someone_ feel better today.

I got up again, with a quick wave, "Hope ya' like the apple." Then I went back to join Sanzo, who was looking just as frowny and angry as ever, but I stood next to him and smiled anyway, "Ya' know, I think I figured somethin' out, Sanzo."

"Hn. That's a rarity for you. What is it?"

"It's impossible for those guys not ta' come back."

"And why is that?"

"'Cause they're our friends."

He frowned even more, "That was your brilliant deduction?"

"Yeah."

"Well, that's nice, Goku, but I'm not friends with those idiots. You know that."

"Naw, but, they're friends with _you_."

He finally looked at me.

I stuck my tongue out at him, "Yeah?"

"Hmph. Well, we'll find out, I guess."

That was okay. I think I was starting to understand the other half of what Hakkai had told me too.

Sanzo couldn't admit he believed in any of us, and he couldn't admit that he thought any of us were worth a damn. Dunno' why. That was just Sanzo.

Hakkai had said something else too.

He'd looked at me, green eyes super serious. _"Remember though, Goku, just because you don't say something out loud doesn't mean it's not true. That doesn't mean it's not there at all…'_

That was really important, I think. No matter how wrong everything was going, no matter how crazy Hakkai got, no matter how much Sanzo and Gojyo were fighting, no matter how much Sanzo believed they weren't coming back, there were still all those things we didn't talk about that held us together, and in the end, that's how I knew we'd get through this.

We started to walk again, and we walked all day, but it wasn't so bad. I got the feeling we weren't really going very fast. Sanzo didn't seem like he was in as much of a hurry as usual, even though I thought he'd try to go faster than normal, to make up for not having Jeep. I wondered if he was secretly hoping Hakkai and Gojyo were going to show up.

Lei talked to me more after I gave her the apple, and she was nicer than she'd been in the past. I tried to be nice back to her. I wondered if I should apologize for whatever happened to her friends. Maybe that wasn't a good idea to bring that up though.

Once or twice, I noticed she'd hang back and talk to Dokugakuji. It was sorta' weird, but then I realized he had gone with her, up into the second village, so maybe they already kinda' knew each other. Besides, he was Gojyo's brother.

"It's not slowin' us down too bad havin' her along, huh?"

Sanzo grumbled, "I'll be the judge of that."

"D'ya' think…"

I didn't finish, but Sanzo already knew what I was going to say. He looked back over his shoulder, not at Lei and the others, but out onto the horizon, "If he's still alive, maybe."

_If Hakkai didn't go nuts an' kill him._ I didn't wanna' think about that.

Sanzo stopped.

I did too, "What's up?"

He was still staring out toward the horizon, back the way we'd come from, his face looked sorta' freaked out, like somethin' out there bothered him. It was a weird face for Sanzo to make, so I turned around to see what was wrong.

It was starting to get dark now. Above us, the sky was almost perfectly black, with little white sprinkles of stars coming out. The moon was out, so it wasn't too dark to see, and the sun hadn't totally set yet either. But, back the way we'd come from, I saw a weird, orange smudge on the horizon. It wasn't that big, but it was bright, like there were a million, golden lights glowing out there.

Seeing that orange glow made me feel uneasy. I asked quietly, "Isn't that where the town we spent the night in is?"

Sanzo didn't answer.

I took a deep breath. "Hey, Sanzo…I smell smoke."

Kougaiji and the others were suddenly right next to us. Kougaiji said, "Ryptcore's closing in. I'm sure he's not far behind. A day's walk, maybe."

I couldn't help taking a step closer to Sanzo, "D'ya' think he'll catch up with us if we stop an' camp for the night?"

Neither of them answered me. Dokugakuji was facing that way too, and he looked worried. Next to him, Lei was shaking and looking scared.

_Hakkai…Gojyo…I hope you guys're all right…_

Sanzo started walking again suddenly, "We'll burn that bridge when we come to it. Now let's keep moving."

The others slowly started to follow, one at a time.

I stood still a while longer, watching the fire burn in the distance, thinking about the nice, peaceful town that was going up in smoke now, for no reason, and all the people who were either going to die or lose their house and all their friends and family and stuff.

Ryptcore. What a freak of nature. What a monster.

Scary thing was, I knew that without my limiter, I was probably just like him.


	19. Chapter 19

**Gojyo**

Hakkai stood over me. His claws were long and sharp, his eyes almost looked like they were glowing. Behind him, the sky was blood red, and the toothy smile on his face was deranged.

I could almost feel him reaching for me. I could imagine what it would be like when he tore me open: all the carnage and the pain, the heat from the blood and guts—_my_ blood and guts—and the chill from the onset of death.

_Just a few more seconds to be alive_. I could hear him past that evil smile, promising me that death would be a complete and total nightmare.

I woke up, and I knew Hakkai had gone nuts last night. I knew that whatever it was that ripping him away from reality—the minus wave, or the voices in his head, or something about his past—had finally been too much for him to deal with, so he'd snapped. That was shitty for the rest of us, and it marked the beginning of the end of the team.

We couldn't get to India without him, so we couldn't stop the revival, and we couldn't get all the youkai back to normal, so the chaos would just get worse and worse.

Not that it mattered. We were all standing on the edge of a cliff. Four of us was enough to get to India alive, three wasn't. It was a thin, almost absurd line, but it was our reality.

I thought about that dark, thin shadow standing over me, claws aching to shed blood, the violent, crimson sky behind him, and I couldn't help shuddering.

Now that Hakkai was berserk, we'd probably all die. He might even kill us himself.

Come to think of it, why didn't he kill me first?

I opened my eyes and stared up at the sky. It was blue, patterned with gray, almost white, clouds, and the sun was pretty high. Nine? Maybe ten in the morning.

Too late. Why didn't we get started early?

Still, I was definitely all in one piece. My ribs still hurt a little, but that wasn't so bad; I didn't feel like I'd gotten a limb torn off or anything.

Rubbing my head, I sat up.

Hakkai wasn't there, lying next to me, like he had been last night, and Jeep was gone too.

He wasn't standing over me, waiting to slit my throat with his own nails either.

Fuzzily, I tried to think. He didn't really go crazy, did he? That was just my first weird morning thought. A dream.

_No, I'd know if he went crazy._

Mostly because he would have tried to tear my throat out if he did.

So where was he? Why didn't he wake me up early so we could get moving?

It dawned on me immediately.

_That little bastard left without me. He got up at the ass crack of dawn and snuck off with Jeep and left me here._

What a shitty move for a friend to pull, even if I knew full-well why he did it.

Maybe it was really bothering him last night and this morning. Maybe he was really feeling out of control. Maybe he was afraid he was going to hurt me. Whatever the reason, I didn't care. It was no excuse to just walk out on me in the middle of nowhere.

I got up, feeling about as cranky as Sanzo on a normal day, digging around for my cigarettes.

"Unbelievable." I grumbled, lighting a smoke up, "I can't believe he'd just take off and leave me behind."

Well, now there were options. Go after him? Try to talk sense into him, remind him of all the reasons why I'd come after him in the first place, tell him there was no way I was going to just let him deal with this by himself, and do this again and again, day after day? Or, stumble through the wilderness by myself until I found the main road and followed it west, drag myself back to Sanzo, bow down, kiss his boots, tell him I'd seen the error of my ways and beg to be forgiven?

"Shit. No way I'm doin' _that_."

I stopped and stood perfectly still, didn't so much as take a drag off my cigarette so I could listen carefully.

In the morning air, I heard all the normal things: birds singing, cicadas chirping, wind blowing, but there was also something else. Something civilized.

Voices.

I turned in the direction they were coming from, looking deep into the woods and trying to see past the darkness. I smoked a few moments, and then stepped into the shadows, pushing my way past thick, leafy branches and ducking around clumps of trees. The voices were coming from further away than I expected. I crossed a small stream and headed deeper into the forest, until the sunlight fell through the canopy in sparse, golden patches. I must have gone half a mile before I could actually make out what they were saying.

"…what do I have to do to convince you to leave me alone?"

That was Hakkai's voice. He sounded totally freaked out.

I walked a little faster.

Jade's cool, taunting tone answered him easily, "Just what are you yelling at me for? I haven't done a thing to you."

"Do you think I'm oblivious? I know what you're doing!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Cho Hakkai." I could practically hear the cruel smile she was wearing.

"I understand that you want me, I even understand _why_ believe it or not, but leave _him_ out of it! Leave them _all_ out of it!"

My heart started to beat a little faster too. I hadn't heard Hakkai so freaked out in a long, long time.

"Come now, darling. I didn't touch a hair on his head."

Were they talking about me?

_Who else would they be talking about, dipshit?_

"If your instincts told you to do something, that has nothing to do with me." She added mockingly.

"My instincts would never contrive such a thing."

"Obviously, they would."

It sounded like the last straw for him. He shouted, "For the last time, get out of here! I don't care where you go or what you do, just stop following me!"

I broke through the last flimsy curtain of foliage, found myself face to face with both of them.

Jade was stripped from the waist up, wearing nothing but a black bra, her typical leather pants, tall boots, and some black gauntlets. There was blood smeared up her arms and across her chest and face, and in the sunlight, she looked like some kind of goddess. A goddess of war. It was pretty sexy.

Would have been anyway, if she weren't such a crazy bitch.

Hakkai looked pretty wild himself. He had blood on him too: his hands and his face were drenched and splattered with it, and it was dripping from his hair. His shirt was tattered, dirty and torn at the collar and along the shoulder. His expression was crazed, like he couldn't decide if he was thrilled or terrified.

They stopped arguing when I came crashing through the brush and stared at me.

"Hakkai…" I tried to say more, but I was distracted. I mean, come on. Jade was half-naked, and Hakkai was covered in blood. It was a bizarre scene to stumble into, and it stirred up a ton of emotions. Lust. Fear. Confusion. Anger.

"You woke him up with your screaming." Jade snorted scoldingly, "Are you going to blame me for that as well?"

I decided to hang onto the anger, "You little bitch!" I stomped toward her, "What the fuck did you do?"

"Gojyo. Gojyo." Hakkai met me half-way and grabbed my shoulders, leaving blood stains on my clothes. "Wait a moment."

"Wait for what? This psycho twat-"

"Calm down. Let me explain."

I was not in the mood for any explanation. I'd been wanting to beat the shit out of Jade since she pushed Deshi down the well, and seeing her now, fucking around with my best friend's head, or whatever the hell she was doing, only intensified that desire.

"Explain later." I shoved him to the side and kept going.

Jade tilted her head to the side, "Are you going to punish me?"

"You bet your sweet ass I'm gonna' punish you."

Her hands were hanging loosely at her sides, but I could see she was ready for action. A smug, little grin tugged at the corner of her mouth. "You don't even know what for."

"For knocking Deshi into the well the other day—that's good enough for me."

"That again?"

"_That_ again. I'm going to beat the fucking hell out of you for _that_, right now." I cocked a fist back.

Hakkai caught my arm just in time, "Gojyo! Stop it!"

"Why should I? This chick's jerking you around and fucking with your head and just straight pissing me off."

"I know that."  
"Gime' one good reason why I should stop."

"It's not your place to interfere. It's not your fight."

"She-"

"Gojyo. It's not your fight." He said sharply.

"Then you beat the fucking hell outta' her."

"She's on our side, remember?"

"She's _not_ on our side." Angrier than ever, I wrenched away and pushed him back, "She's a goddamn succubus. _You_ remember?"

"Even so, she is our ally, and if you break our truce and start a fight with her right now, all of us will be worse off than ever. _All_ of us."

What was going to keep her from hunting down and attacking Sanzo just to be a bitch if I broke the truce?

_I don't give a rat's ass about Sanzo._

But Goku… The kid didn't deserve to have to put up with Ryptcore _and _Jade at the same time.

That was the thought that made me finally, slowly, lower my fist and try to calm down.

The anger didn't go away though, and neither did the desire to beat the crap out of her. "Get out of here." I snarled at her. "Now."

Jade stood there grinning at me, like the bloodsucker she was. "Only if you say please."

I took another step toward her.

Hakkai stopped me again, sounding impatient, "Enough of this now. Let's get moving, Gojyo—we have a full day of traveling ahead of us, and not a moment to waste on this."

Then he let go of me, leaving bloody smears on my jacket, and walked back the way I'd come from, either fully confident that I'd follow, or completely resigned to the fact that he couldn't stop me.

I kept my eyes on Jade and waited until Hakkai had gotten a ways away, and then I moved forward, so we were standing just inches apart; it took all my willpower not to punch her pretty, smiling face.

"Listen up, you bitch." I grated out.

She watched me, listening so intently, the sarcasm was almost audible.

It only made me hate her more.

"I know my way around a tart, so you ain't fooling me with that innocent act: I know a femme fatale when I see one."  
"Oh, very clever. Do you normally receive a doggy treat for such things?"

I shouldered in closer, like I would if I were going to kiss her, only roughly, got right in her face and spat, "I don't know what you're doing to Hakkai, but you had better cut it the hell out and back the fuck off."

Jade sighed tragically, "The two of you are so very protective of one another. Maybe that's why he has no interest in me. And here I was thinking that act with the slut from the bar the other night was so convincing, Gojyo."

I let that one slide off.

"If you don't back off, I'm gonna' show ya' you're wrong about me not having any youkai instincts." I finished darkly, "I will rip your heart out."

She looked back at me contemptuously, but she didn't make any more offhanded remarks. Maybe because she could see how serious I was, or feel the brutal truth of promise in my words. She had to hear it in my voice that I would kill her one way or another, even if it almost killed me too.

"Well." She said at last, more quietly, the smile finally gone from her bloody lips, "In that case, I'd better watch my step." With that, she walked away, vanishing into the shadows again.

Heart still hammering with rage and anxiety, I shoved my hands deep in my pockets and went after Hakkai. He wasn't that far ahead of me, and I figured he'd been walking slowly, waiting for me to catch up.

Before he could say anything, I asked, "So, who's blood is that? Hers? Or Yours?"

He sighed weightily, "It was just a deer…"

"You killed a deer?"

"It's not as bad as what I nearly did." He murmured.

"Why? What did you almost do?"

"Don't worry about it."

I thought about the dream I'd had this morning. That _was_ a dream, wasn't it? I thought I'd rather not know.

"Gojyo." Hakkai interrupted my thoughts. "I think it might be best if you went and found the others."

"You mean go back to Sanzo?"

"Yes, if you want to put it that way…"

"Why the hell would I do that?"

"It's not that I don't appreciate having you with me, however, the way things are going…that is, the fact that I'm not fully myself…. It's just a dangerous situation."

"I don't care what kind of situation it is. I'm not going back to Sanzo. Not without you."

"Come now." He looked at me reproachfully, "Please don't be stubborn. It's for the best."

"Oh shut the fuck up. Do I look like a guy who cares what's 'for the best'?"

Hakkai turned away resignedly, and I saw the disappointed, worried look on his face before he got a chance to hide it.

"You're letting her get to you." I accused.

"I-" he faltered, started over in a quiet, almost apologetic tone, "I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Unless it's just a coincidence that you started losing your mind after she came along."

"I suppose it _could_ be a coincidence."

"Except that it's not."

"The minus wave-"

"God _damn _it!" I stopped and punched the nearest tree so hard the bark busted my knuckles open, "Why are you lying to me!?"

Hakkai looked wide-eyed at me.

"Seriously, man, what the fuck? You keep acting like this isn't a big deal when we all know that it is! Why? Why do you keep treating me like I don't know what the fuck is going on?"  
"You're over-reacting." He admonished calmly. "It's not like that at all."

With a snarl, I lunged forward and caught him by the front of the shirt. I knew it was a risk—the slightest threat could probably throw him over the edge now—but I couldn't take this anymore. "You know she's a threat, but you just keep letting her hang around like it doesn't matter; you act like everything's fine, even though _nothing_ is fine. _And_ you keep defending her, as if her being an ally has anything to do with it! You're not stupid, Hakkai—the Hakkai I know is a smart guy—you know that having an ally who's going to claw you apart from the inside out is worse than having an enemy."

"Gojyo-"

"Fuck man!" I shook him hard, ripping his torn shirt even more. "Don't give me any more bullshit about the friggin' minus wave! It never affected you before! Why should I believe that it's affecting you now, completely out of nowhere?

"Gojyo!"

"Fine! You wanna' lie to yourself? Keep telling me it's because of the minus wave. If you want to let her whittle away your sanity little by little out of some warped sense of _chivalry_ do it, but _I_ won't sit by and just watch it happen!"

"She reminds me of Kanan!" He grabbed my wrists so tightly I felt them bruise, and wrenched loose of my grip.

It was more than enough to shut me up; in fact, I was utterly stunned, and for several minutes, all I could do was stare at him. He waited.

The cigarette fell from my mouth as I gaped at him, trying to find something—anything—to say, but all that came to mind was to repeat what he'd told me. "_Kanan_? She reminds you of _Kanan_?"

Hakkai didn't so much as shrug at me. I thought I saw some shame enter his eyes, and he lowered his gaze.

"That bitch? She—but… I never would have thought Kanan was anything like that-"

"She wasn't." He said immediately, not even giving me a moment to finish. "Kanan had nothing in common with that woman. She was sweet and gentle and caring. There was nothing brutal, violent or dangerous about Kanan."

"Well, yeah. No." I threaded my fingers through the back of my hair, anger and frustration rapidly disappearing. "I mean, I didn't think so." I waited a moment for him to explain, but it didn't look like he was planning on it. "But then-"

"I don't know why. It makes absolutely no sense that two such opposite women should have any remote association in my mind, and yet…when I see her." He laid his hand across his abdomen, "It hurts."

I had a sudden, grossly vivid memory of shoving his intestines back into him, and of the putrid, steaming red on my hands. It almost made me shudder.

"There is no rational explanation, Gojyo. But…perhaps it's not so much a matter of them being similar, as it is of Jade making me remember what it was like to be with Kanan. It's utterly insane, and yet there is some part of me that longs to be with her, the way I was with Kanan, even though I have no feelings for her whatsoever, and that's the problem."

Maybe I understood, just a little. I mean, I'd never been in love, but I could guess. That feeling might be so close to how he'd felt when he was with Kanan, maybe he thought he might be able to close his eyes and pretend it _was_ Kanan.

"But." He added bleakly, "More importantly, being near her arouses something else in me. I have no idea if it's something she can do at will—an enchantment of some kind—or just a byproduct of my hideous fascination with her, but she makes me want to be...well…free."

"Free?"

He flicked his ear meaningfully.

"Ohhhh. I guess that explains a lot."

"Unfortunately. It's not a desire I've ever had in the past you know, being 'free'. I never considered myself to be imprisoned, and in many ways, I've gone these past four years, still thinking of myself as being human. Now I have to face the fact that I truly am a youkai, and maybe all of it—thinking of Kanan and wanting to be with Jade and wishing I were free—is weakening my will against the minus wave."

Some of the outrage came back, but it wasn't directed at him this time, "So we need to kick the shit out of that little bitch and things'll go back to normal."

Hakkai chuckled, "You make it sound so easy, Gojyo, but…Jade is tenacious and powerful. I don't think getting rid of her will be a simple task."

"So you don't even want to _try_?"

"I-I don't know what I want. I need a little time to figure that out, I think. But…it's frightening to consider…and yet, I may have to face that my days as a human, even passing as one, are drawing to a close.

"My complication has always been to be a human soul, with a human heart, existing inside this youkai body, battling youkai instincts; recently, that's been getting more and more difficult. My human heart is pained by the things I dream of and the things I long for. I fear that in time, it may shut down, and I may give in."

_And then the guy whose guts I stuffed back in will be gone forever._

Suddenly, worse than ever, I just really wanted things to be normal again. I wanted to wake up, right now, back home, in my own bed, under my own rotting, leaky roof, roll out of bed and go into the kitchen, where Hakkai would be making breakfast. Shoot the shit a while. Give each other a hard time. Maybe run a quick, simple errand for Master Sanzo, and then go out, party, have a kick ass time, stumble home to bed and do it all again the next day. I wanted that so bad, it almost hurt.

I wanted it so much, I even went so far as to say it out loud. "Let's just forget this, Hakkai. Let's just forget the whole stupid thing—forget that bitch and Ryptcore and Sanzo even. Let's just get in the Jeep and go home." I gripped his shoulder, "For Christ's sake, Hakkai. Let's just go home."

He stared back at me, not answering.

"Please?"  
Stupid me. As if saying please was going to make him agree.

Slowly, Hakkai smiled at me, way too brightly for what he said next, "Would you really let the world go to hell so easily, Gojyo?"

"The world let _me_ go to hell that easily."

"Yes, but, could you live with yourself, knowing it was your fault?"

"This bullshit ain't worth you losing your mind over."

"I am just one man. I learned already that my petty, little problems are scarcely enough to make the world blink at me, and therefore, I have no intentions of going home now, because like it or not, if we want to have a home to go back to, we must stop the revival. If you want to go home, that's your decision, but I think it's very unlike you to run away so willingly."

_God_ I wanted to go home. At least, I had been thinking I did, for a while now. I had been thinking I was sick of Sanzo and sick of this trip, but honestly, what good would it do me if I went home without them? Living in that dumpy little shack without Hakkai would suck even more than it had before I met him. I wouldn't be running errands for Sanzo, so it would be back to living off poker money. Of course, there'd be that weird, Goku-shaped hole I probably couldn't explain if I tried. Life without the guys would be really strange and lonely.

"Fine." I snapped. "Have it your way, Hakkai."

He looked surprised, "That was unexpectedly simple. I thought for sure it would take more than that little speech to convince you."

"Yeah, well, you know me. I hate to be alone."

"Hm. Somehow I think I didn't know that about you."

"It's true. Being alone sucks, and I hate it."

"Oh, yes." He laughed. "I remember now—you did tell me that before. In any case, shall we press on? I think that, with a little time, I may be able to get a hold of myself. Then we can rejoin the others, hopefully."

"Right. But we have got to do something about that bitch."

He frowned slightly, "We'll see."

'We'll see' wasn't anywhere near good enough for me. In fact, it was probably the shittiest answer he could have given me, but under the circumstances, I decided pushing it wouldn't get me anywhere, and I let it go as we began to walk again.

Once, I checked over my shoulder, and I thought I saw her, lurking somewhere in the woods, standing in the shadows, watching us with those heartless, green eyes.


	20. Chapter 20

**I'll be honest…I didn't edit this…. It's been so long since I updated this fic, I just wanted to get this up. Please let me know if you see any major inconsistencies, and I'll fix them. Otherwise, enjoy. **

* * *

**Sanzo**

My master was the only person I could ever trust when I was a kid. I didn't remember my real parents, and I didn't care, because Koumyou had always been there instead, since the very beginning, smiling at me and looking after me and reassuring me. The other students in Kinzan, my peers, had never liked me. They used to pick on me because I was fatherless, because I didn't know where I came from, because I didn't have a family name, and most of all, because, in spite of all that, I was still Koumyou's favorite.

I didn't ask to be his favorite, I didn't even _care_ about being his favorite. It was all the same to me, as long as I got to be near him, if not as a son, than at least as a student. I didn't ever think I deserved to be the next Sanzo, I wasn't even trying to be, really. I was just living my life. I accepted the things I couldn't have along with the things I did have. I accepted that I'd never have a father or a mother like everyone else did. Maybe it was because they died. Maybe it was because they didn't want me. Maybe it was a misunderstanding.

Maybe I would have actually given a shit about why they'd sent me down the river if Koumyou hadn't been the one who fished me out at the other end, but as things stood, I had never needed to care, because he did pick me up, and he did take me back to the temple with him, and then he raised me like I was his son.

I never asked for any of that.

Trust was a strange thing in my mind—foreign almost—I didn't really understand it, and I didn't give my trust away easily. As a kid I had learned that trust could get you to a lot of places you didn't want to be, and relying on someone else could get you killed, and that meant that the only person I could trust or rely on was myself, and that had always been fine, because that's just the way it was. Still, I had always trusted Koumyou, and I had always relied on him too. I don't think it had even occurred to me before he died that that's the way it was, because it was just so normal.

When he died, everything suddenly hit me at once. The full reality of my life had been thrown in my face, leaving me stripped beneath a stark, cold light. I had trusted and relied on and _loved_ Koumyou, as if he were my real father, and suddenly, he was gone. That one person whom I'd looked up to with every fiber of myself, not even realizing how much it really meant to me, dead, because he wanted to protect the sutra. And me.

That same night, I had realized what a curse trust and reliance and friendship and love really were, and I told myself that I didn't want them every again. The first time those things came into my life, uninvited, and took root because I didn't know any damn better. It wouldn't happen again. I told myself it wouldn't.

I promised myself…

This was why. This was the exact, definitive reason I'd told myself all that, and maybe for the last ten years or so, I just hadn't really been thinking about it. I'd been telling myself that I was doing a good job staying distant and self-sufficient and strong.

I stared at the gray sky above me, not knowing how long I'd been waiting for the sun to rise, thinking about these things. It seemed like the same thoughts were just replaying over and over in my mind, and the only conclusion I could ever get to was that I had messed up. I had broken the promise I made to myself all those years ago.

It was cold, the air was damp with dew, and every breath I drew was sharp. Beneath me, the ground was frozen and hard, and it made me feel that much more annoyed by the circumstances. If that stupid idiot Hakkai had to abandon the mission, he should have at least left the car for those of us who meant to carry on.

People are selfish, and that's why you can't trust them, because no matter how much they say they're going to back you up and stick around, the truth is, when it comes down to choosing between you or themselves, they don't choose you. That's fine. It's sickening, but it's fine, because that's the way life is. It's idiotic to expect people to be anything but selfish.

The sky was threaded with fiery orange and streaks of red, which meant it would probably rain, and then I'd have to walk in the storm, and that would make this all worse than ever.

I kept lying there for a few minutes longer, told myself I'd try to go back to sleep, because it couldn't be past five in the morning, but the thoughts of Koumyou and trust and of my current situation, kept looping through my head, and finally, I sat up, with an annoyed groan, and lit a cigarette.

For some reason, it felt like I'd had a nightmare, even though I couldn't remember having one. A nightmare about Koumyou maybe…

That night…I could remember it all so vividly—the relentless attack of the youkai, the dead weight of my body, immobilized and sealed by magic, the peaceful smile on my master's face, the shower of bright red blood that splattered the whole room—it was still like it happened yesterday. I didn't have to dream about it every night for those events to haunt me.

Everyone in the camp was spread out. Kougaiji and Dokugakuji were so far away, they'd made their own fire. Lei was just close enough to our fire to stay warm, but far away enough that she didn't really seem to be with us. That all suited me fine. Goku was nearby, standing guard, pacing around the perimeter of the clearing and talking to himself. He hadn't noticed that I was awake yet.

I watched him as he walked up and down, every here and again squatting down to look at something he'd found on the ground—probably mushrooms or animal tracks—sniffing at the air and shadowboxing for fun. It was all so familiar. It was all so typical. It was so Goku.

As I watched him, I couldn't help but ask myself, _Do I trust Goku?_

Begrudgingly, I admitted to myself, that I did. I trusted him with my life.

I had always trusted Hakkai and Gojyo too. Not from the beginning exactly, but over time, they'd done enough things for me correctly that I'd reluctantly given into the idea that I could generally count on them. That's where all this trouble had began; I'd trusted them, only to discover that I had been right all along.

It was more than just trust though.

The truth was, all of those things—all of those weaknesses I despised so much—had come into my life again, just as unexpectedly and uninvited as the first time. I couldn't imagine losing Goku, whether it was because he died or because he lost his mind. I hated to think that all this bullshit with Ryptcore and the DethBreed, Hakkai and Jade, could actually be enough to tear Goku from me, in the end, and I knew I'd do anything I had to in order to protect him, even though I'd always told myself that I didn't need to protect him, and I didn't _want _to need to protect him. It pissed me off, in a way, and then again, it was something I might just have to accept. By now, it was painfully obvious that Goku was staying in my life for a long, long time, and the worst part was that…I _wanted_ him to be.

How ridiculous. I couldn't believe the way all of this was fucking with me. I'd looked for a way to stay out of it, but it was no use. The team got dragged in, one by one, and now I was getting pulled down too. In the beginning, I didn't think this thing was going to affect me…but now it was. The Asahara and Ryptcore and the Dethbreed. Insane Hakkai and the Seiten Taisei, and that unbelievable, idiotic, drooling, fuck-up, Gojyo. They were all reaching back into my past, deep inside my heart and mind. They were all messing with _my_ scars now. And I didn't like it.

I shuddered and looked around the camp again, half expecting to see the ghost of my master standing on the edge of the clearing. Part of me almost wished to see him. It would be good to hear some of his advice now… Koumyou was the kind of person who probably would have encouraged me to rely on my teammates and to allow them to rely on me, but I still didn't see why I should bother.

After I'd finished my cigarette and had started a second, I decided there wasn't any point in delaying. I was up, and so was Goku, so we might as well get started, so I stood up and began to cross the clearing, moving toward him.

He heard me coming and turned to me with that stupid, open, innocent look of his. Trust came naturally to Goku. How could he be that way, even now? Couldn't he see things were coming apart just as easily as I could?

Maybe no one had ever betrayed his trust before, so he couldn't even recognize it for what it was, or maybe he just had so much faith in those two dumbasses, he didn't want to believe that's what they'd done. He didn't want to accept that they'd run out on us.

That thought alone made me even more angry. I'd expected them to fuck up or leave, eventually, but it wasn't right for them to do this to him when we all knew he'd never do it to either of them.

"Good mornin'." His voice wasn't quite as cheerful as it was supposed to be, and I felt like there were a lot of other things he wanted to say but thought that he shouldn't.

"Hn. We're moving out. Now."

"'Kay."

I tried to think of something else that _I _could say, but I'd already told him everything I thought, and it wouldn't do me a damn bit of good to spew a load of false comfort on him, so I lingered only for a second before turning back to collect what little I had.

He came with me, "They didn't come back."

As if I couldn't see that with my own two eyes.

"Of course they didn't. Don't tell me you were up all night waiting for them."

"I thought…"

It didn't matter what he thought, and he must have known that too, because he didn't finish.

"Get your shit together and let's go."

"What about breakfast?"

"We don't have much food left. You might as well eat whatever you have—we should reach the next town soon."

"Alright."

He probably didn't like that either. He probably didn't like the way things were right now. He'd probably say it was 'weird', if I'd let him.

But I wouldn't, and he obviously knew that as well. He went over and gently shook Lei to wake her up."

Within half an hour, all five of us were moving on again.

The trip was annoying. Walking was taking much too long. I tried to walk quickly, but Lei was slowing us down, and my injuries were bothering me a little, even though Hakkai had closed all my wounds. I felt sore and stretched and unbelievably tired. My head was hurting, and I kept watching the sky all day. It was only a little cloudy, but I still expected the clouds to burst at any given moment. That would make the circumstances completely unbearable.

Quickly or not, we did move steadily, managed to cover over ten miles before stopping for a break. I would have kept moving, but Goku was adamant that we couldn't make Lei push herself too much, because it wasn't fair to her.

She didn't complain any, I'd give her that. She was quiet and I could tell she was worried. I guess she had to realize that complaining wouldn't help her, because I was letting her tag along, and I could leave her behind whenever I chose.

I probably wouldn't, really. She was alone and unarmed, and as long as she wasn't slowing us down too much, I might as well let her stay with us. It wasn't like I could stop her anyway.

In the afternoon, we passed through a small, desolate town, where the people looked at us suspiciously and wouldn't talk to us unless we spoke to them first, which was just as well, since I had nothing to say to any of them. We had lunch and bought some supplies, but I didn't let Goku go nuts, buying food, like he usually did. I reminded him that he had to carry anything he bought, and he checked himself.

We'd be forced to travel light from now on, which meant we'd have to ration our food better and hunt a little, if we could.

What a pain in my ass. All because that dick, Hakkai had to take the car with him, which was especially absurd when, if he'd actually gone berserk, he wouldn't have any use for Jeep in the first place.

I wondered if there was any way I could have gotten out of this journey, or avoided it.

_It's my duty now, and I'll stick to it, no matter who goes bat-shit and runs away._

We left the town around two and kept marching west, staying silent for the most part. Even Goku wasn't running his mouth for a change. We'd only been walking an hour and a half before I could see another town on the horizon. At first, I thought we might as well go around it rather than wasting time going through it, since we had everything we needed, and it was too early to even think about renting an inn, but something told me otherwise, a small voice inside that told me to go through the town, though I couldn't explain why.

I initiated a ten minute break so I could consult the map, which Hakkai had marked the route on in red pen. The town ahead of us was circled in red, so that's where he must have been planning on staying, but our travel time would have been pretty different back when he did that, since it was before any of this nonsense started. Beyond the town was another, slightly large one, with two paths to take to get there; a long way out over the plains, and a shortcut through a pass. The shortcut was probably more dangerous, but at least if we went that way, we'd reach the town beyond it by nightfall; if we went the other way, we'd have to camp again.

The pass was a no brainer.

I put the map away and kept walking toward the village on the horizon—if nothing else, maybe Lei would find the kid she'd lost there and get out of my hair—but as I went, a sense of foreboding started building up in me. At first, I passed it off as nothing, but as time passed, I felt more and more nervous. The wilderness around me was too quiet—even my companions were silent—and the town ahead of us seemed dark and hazy. We hadn't come across another traveler all day, but I got the distinct feeling that we were being watched by someone, and I scanned the area for enemies. No one was there, and I told myself that I was just nervous because of the situation we were in.

Whatever it was, the closer we got to the town in front of us, the heavier the feeling of impending doom became, and by the time we reached the outskirts, I knew something was wrong.

Goku stopped beside me, scenting the wind, breathily, "What's up with this place?"

I stared down the main street, but it looked deserted.

Lei huddled behind us, "Nobody's here…"

"I smell somethin', Sanzo." He took another, deeper breath. "It's like…death."

Without a word, I entered the town, completely alert, watching and listening to everything.

Goku took Lei by the hand and came with me, and Kougaiji and Dokugakuji were right behind us.

Something was definitely wrong. Nobody was in the streets, and nobody came to their windows or their doors to watch us pass. In the distance I heard a dog baying, but that was it. I stared down the main road, but no one appeared.

"What's goin' on?" Goku sounded scared.

I didn't have any answers, and I didn't have any reason he _shouldn't_ be scared, so I moved on in silence, walking a little more quickly. I already knew what I was going to find, and I already knew why, and the idea scared me a little bit too.

We were almost to the center of the town when we came across the first body. It was a woman, flopped over on her side, neck twisted and broken so that she gaped up at us with empty eye-sockets and a Chelsea grin. Her arms were broken too, her torso torn almost completely in half, and her breasts looked like they'd been ripped off. She was lying in a pool of half-congealed blood.

Behind me, I heard Lei choking and gagging.

"Son of a bitch…" Dokugakuji muttered.

I stared down at the body, trying not to show how disturbed I was. The woman was young, and it looked like she had been beautiful, when she was alive. There was a trail of red leading away from her body, further up the street, like someone had dragged her body over here.

Goku stammered, "Wh-what the hell's _this_?"

I didn't answer—I couldn't really—so I just led the way further up the street, following the trail. It was disgusting and thick, like someone had spread jam over the cobblestones. As we walked along it, we found more bodies. Two and then three and then four. Men, women and children, all mutilated and dead. They'd left trails of their own, the paths intertwining and leading deeper into the town. Eventually, I took my eyes off the ground and watched the town around us, in case someone attacked, but this place was deathly still.

We were practically running by the time we reached the center of the town, and it was there, just like I knew it would be. Heaps and heaps of dead bodies, each one more torn and bloody than the last, humans, all of them, ripped open and murdered, but not eaten. Not the work of your typical, berserk youkai.

They were everywhere, strewn all over the square like they'd just been thrown there, carelessly, with no respect whatsoever. Half-dried blood was splashed all along the street and the walls and the buildings.

Lei started sobbing and gasping. I saw that she was clinging to Goku, and he looked grim and angry. The other two were closer to us than they'd been for days, and they both had expressions of shock and outrage.

I wondered what my face looked like right then. I felt like I might throw up, and I was clenching my fists, tightly.

At the very center of the town, a young man had been hung up on a tree, a stake jammed through his chest, pinning him there, gruesomely. He was wrapped in a stained, white sheet, with some papers draped over his shoulders, and his hair was blonde. His eyes were blue, but I still got the message. A banner was hanging there above him, bloody lettering on tattered linen. Two words; Ded End.

"Somebody can't spell." Dokugakuji said weakly. He was just as idiotic and annoying as his brother—it was exactly what Gojyo would say.

"Dethbreed." Kougaiji answered. Just like Hakkai might. A typical answer to his friend's stupidity.

I shook my head. I didn't want to think about those morons ever again.

"Sanzo…" Goku practically squeaked, but I don't know what he wanted me to say.

My mind was racing. This scene was a lot like the mess Ryptcore had left in the half-breed village several days ago, only without the fire, so I took it he wanted me to come along and find it this way, but he didn't seem to be here himself, this time. I didn't see any sign of life at all. And what about the banner? Just a sick message, or was there more to it? We could keep walking and go right through this town, couldn't we?

Unless we'd just strolled into a trap.

My gaze darted around again, half-expecting to see an ambush creeping out of the shadows, but there wasn't so much as one crow gorging itself on the carnage.

Goku tugged at my robes. "Sanzo? What now?"

What indeed. It hadn't escaped my attention that the village we'd been in two nights ago had probably been burned to the ground, and now this one was decimated as well—never mind that the buildings themselves were still intact—and yet the town between them, the one where we'd stopped for lunch, had been left alone.

We'd be idiots to go back to that place, since he was obviously right where Ryptcore wanted us to go.

Then, what about the town beyond this one? Was there even the slightest chance that it was still safe.

Kougaiji must have been thinking exactly that, because he suddenly announced, "We'll go scout ahead."

"How far?"

"Just until the next town is in sight. If it's like this, there won't be any way to tell, but if it's been burned like the other one, at least we'll see some sight of that. I don't think it's wise to split up for too long, but there's a chance they're lying in wait just outside of town, and we don't want to risk falling into their hands."

Tiredly, I nodded, and then he and Dokugakuji were gone.

Goku and I stood there amidst the massacre, with Lei still trembling and crying. He was comforting her a little, reassuring her that Deshi probably wasn't here.

"Let's have a look around town." I grumbled, turning back the other way.

"For what?" Goku asked.

"Anything that might be useful. Signs of where those psychos may have went. Survivors. Anything." Anything was better than standing there, staring at all those mutilated people.

"'Kay."

We rooted around outside the square for a few minutes, but I didn't see so much as one bloody footprint, and then I stepped into a building marked 'bazaar' to look for anything we might be able to make use of.

The place was ransacked. On the outside, it looked fine, but on the inside, the furniture was smashed, the doors had been busted down, and all the goods were gone.

Nothing of use to us.

We went back out into the street, and I thought it seemed even colder out now; the sky was still blue and spotted with gray clouds.

As I was coming down the steps, Lei lurched into me, grasping at my arm with her long nails. She swallowed hard and whispered, "I-I think I see someone."

I followed her gaze, down the street, the way we'd come, where I could see a wavering, dark figure, in the distance. It looked like a person, walking calmly toward us, but whoever it was, they were too far away to see any details about them.

The sight sent chills down my spine, and I had my gun out at once.

_A survivor? Or could it be Ryptcore?_

Whoever he was, he was moving so slowly, it almost looked like he was standing still.

He had the height and shape of a man. I highly doubted it was a woman.

Setting my jaw, I moved down into the middle of the street, cocked my gun as Goku summoned his bo.

"Maybe it's one of th' guys." He whispered.

That was better than any of the alternatives.

_At any rate, it's unlikely._

I threw my cigarette down and raised my gun, aiming directly at the stranger's head, "Stop where you are, and identify yourself."

The stranger didn't answer, just kept moving toward us, with that shaky, unreal march of a ghost, then, just when he was close enough for me to make out black hair and long ears, more figures appeared. They came out of doors and from around corners, they seemed to pop up from behind carts and trash cans and fruit stands. They formed a long line, from one side of the street to the other, and staggered toward us, silently. In a matter of seconds, there were twenty of them.

"Creepy." Goku hissed.

I fired off a round. The shot echoed through the empty streets, bouncing over our heads. My aim was true, and I hit the initial figure, right in the face. He collapsed back with a spray of blood, but not so much as a scream. Not a moment later, a different man jumped out a window and replaced him. The group began walking faster.

To hell with waiting for them to identify themselves. I began firing off rounds, quickly and with accuracy. Another three fell.

The group started to run, charging right at us.

I held my ground, glanced over my shoulder once to see if there was a more advantageous spot for us to move to.

Another group of youkai was right behind us. So close I could have spat on one. They were tall and muscular, dressed in animal furs and rags and crappy armor. Their eyes were crazed with a lust for blood, tongues lolling from their mouths, and their hands and arms and chests were already smeared with crimson.

Goku screamed and jumped back, hauling Lei along with him.

I ducked away just in time to avoid being torn open by a set of razor-sharp claws.

"Where'd _they_ come from?"

There were only ten of them, but they were closing in around us, forming a half-circle, and I felt stupid for having missed them.

The larger group was almost upon us as well now, and they still weren't uttering a sound.

I was stupid. I'd let the smaller group sneak up on us because I was distracted by the formation of the other one. Now we were surrounded by the DethBreed.

Angrily, I shot one in the chest, and he too died without so much as a sentient gurgle; when I scanned the crowd for Ryptcore, I didn't see him. With any luck, he was still too injured to fight.

Not that it mattered. If these fuckers were anywhere near as strong as the last members of the DethBreed we'd put up with, we'd have our hands full, even without Ryptcore around. Not to mention we had Lei to concern ourselves with.

I should have known it was a trap. I should have gone right around this town, like I'd intended to in the first place.

"Fuck."

A group of them came at us, silent as death, claws raised, their sparkling eyes haunted by madness. I fired off six more rounds. Five youkai fell, but two got back up, bleeding, not wincing. I feinted back, reloading my gun as quickly as I could, while Goku sprang past me with his bo, started beating them down left and right.

More attacked from behind; Lei screamed, and I turned that direction, instinctively, just in time to blow open the head of a youkai that was grabbing at her skirt. I gunned down six more of them, shoved Lei toward the gap in their ranks. "You'd better get out of here."

She stumbled a little, but didn't run. She was shaking all over, eyes glazed with fear.

I had to hesitate to reload my gun again, and Goku moved in to cover me as I was at it.

By this time, there were even more youkai coming down the street toward us; If I had to put a number on it, I'd say there were fifty of them all together, and, if we were lucky, that's all there was.

One of them lunged at me. I moved to the side, just in time to keep my stomach from being torn open, and kicked him in the head. He fell onto his back, but seemed otherwise unfazed, and when he started to rise again, I shot him in the chest.

Goku pressed up against my back, "These guys're kinda' hard ta' kill."

"Do they respond to your direct attacks?" I remembered how his attacks had done very little against Ryptcore in the half-blood village, but I didn't expect that to pertain to his whole army. That would just be too ridiculous.

"Yeah. Just, they're tough."

And there were a damn lot of them.

Lei was still standing nearby, looking like a deer caught in the headlights, and I had to shoot a few more youkai before they grabbed her. It was getting pretty annoying having to protect her.

Goku beat down several more, splattering blood and brains all over the pavement, "Lei, run!"

She stood there quivering.

A huge youkai lunged at her, claws spread wide, ready to tear her right down the middle. I fired at him several times, but the pain didn't register, and he didn't stop his onslaught. That was it for her, I figured. She was going to die. I tried to block out the guilt that was already mounting inside me.

_I never asked her to tag along. I knew it was a bad idea from the beginning._

With a scream, Goku threw himself at Lei, knocking her to the ground, just in time, and the youkai's razor claws tore through his arm. I watched a sudden splash of blood explode from his shoulder and start seeping down his sleeve.

He scrambled up, holding his arm and cursing.

The youkai kept attacking.

I stopped what I was doing to turn and unload all the rounds I had left into the big youkai's head, and when it was over, I didn't even recognize his skull anymore, it was just a mass of shattered bone and mutilated brain tissue. His body slumped to the ground, crimson pooling around it.

The others didn't hesitate, even at the sight of their fallen comrade, they just creeped in, closer and closer to me. I moved over next to Goku, who was standing over Lei, clutching his bo in one hand, the other arm handing limply at his side. From the look on his face, I could see that he was in a lot of pain.

"G-Goku-san…" Lei gasped, from her place on the ground.

"Nn. Ya' gotta' run…"

"Are you okay?" I asked lowly. God forbid he should be out of commission completely. I wasn't sure I could kill the thirty-whatever that were left on my own.

"Yeah. I can still fight."

That was good, because the DethBreed wasn't giving us a moment of peace. They were closing in again, reaching for me with filthy, bloody paws. Long nails snagged at my robe, and I whipped around to pistol whip the bastard, hurriedly began to reload my gun again. This time I barely finished in time before one grabbed me. I put a bullet between the motherfucker's eyes.

Now that he was injured, Goku was having a pretty hard time beating them back. Lei was on her feet again, and he was doing his best to stay between them and her, but each swipe they took at him was a little closer. His clothes were getting torn, and I saw patches of blood on his shirt and jeans.

The whole situation was starting to make me really angry, and suddenly I wished I had a close-combat weapon to complement my gun.

Nails raked across my back, barely cutting into my skin.

Furious, I whipped around, firing off another three rounds, and this time, five youkai bastards hit the ground, bleeding.

At least I knew my marksmanship was as good as it had ever been.

Idiotically, I found myself checking up and down the street, looking for something I knew I wasn't going to see.

_This would be an ideal time for those assholes to show up._

But they weren't going to.

_You're never going to see them again, so get them out of your head._

Goku, Lei and I all clustered together, back to back to back, as the DethBreed circled us, moving in closer and closer. I noticed Lei throwing a few punches and kicks whenever someone got near her, so it seemed as if someone had taught her how to fight, but either way, she was probably only just barely stronger than a normal human, and there was no way she'd be able to defend herself.

I really couldn't be bothered with defending her, personally, and it was frustrating to see how determined Goku was to do it himself. I couldn't stop him though. He always had to do whatever the fuck he wanted, just like the rest of the asshole team.

_That team doesn't exist anymore._

I fired a couple of rounds into the stomach of the closest youkai, watched him collapse and begin to bleed out.

There had to be less than thirty left now. Thirteen or fourteen apiece, maybe.

I wondered if Goku could do it, glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. His face was strained and sweating, and he was holding his arm again. It would help a lot if we didn't have to protect Lei.

Still, this just didn't feel right, I thought, as I whirled around, shooting another handful of youkai. They weren't attacking relentlessly, like I thought they would. They were definitely trying to kill us, I knew that from the way they hacked and slashed at my stomach and sides and chest—at any rate, they wouldn't have any qualms about killing us—but they weren't coming down on us ruthlessly. It was like they were just toying with us, like it didn't really matter to them if they lived or died.

_The DethBreed…what in the fuck is it _really_?_

One grabbed me by the front of the robe, doing his best to drag me into the thick of them.

I bit back a shout, uttered an obscenity, bashed his nose in with my elbow, kicking and punching my way free, firing off a few more rounds.

Three more were dead. I'd killed six in the last forty-five seconds. That meant I should only have eight or nine left to rid myself of.

I stumbled back toward Goku and Lei, keeping my eyes on the DethBreed soldiers around me, but when I lifted my gaze to look down the street again, my heart stopped beating.

Like wavering, black shadows, even more were appearing, coming down from roofs, stepping around corners, and marching down the road in a single, dark mass of soul-less, unspeaking freaks. Another wave of fifty, just like that. They must have waited until their first batch was almost diminished, and now they'd sent in another.

Could we deal with another fifty?

I already felt bone tired, and my wounds were itching and throbbing, but I knew I had to keep fighting.

"Sanzo." Goku murmured, standing close to me again. He clobbered one with his bo and sharp, blood-stained teeth went flying in all directions. "What should we do?"

The first wave had worn us out. Goku was injured. Lei was still slowing us down. Even if they weren't attacking relentlessly, their sheer numbers might crush us.

"Get that damn girl out of here." I growled.

He turned his wide-eyed, innocent, stupid gaze on me, "Ya' mean…run away?"

"I don't know. Just get her the fuck out of here. She's in the way." To emphasize my point, I killed two more, and there was a small gap in their wall for a brief moment. We only had a small window of opportunity before the new troop arrived, and if Lei hurried, maybe she could get out of this place alive. Not that it was my problem if she made it or not…

Goku seemed to understand. He sprang forward, swinging his bo with both hands, blood rolling off his damaged arm, and made the initial gap bigger. He screamed, "Go on, Lei, get outta' here! Run while ya' can!"

She stood there gaping at him, but this time she looked just slightly defiant. It made me wish that we still had the only useful half-blood in the world with us.

I shook that pathetic thought away at once. The last person I wanted with me right now was that dumb ass.

"I-I can't just leave the two of you here to-"

"Go." I snarled. "We don't have time to babysit you."

"Please, Lei." Goku said, a little more softly. "Ya' gotta' run."

The gap was closing. They were moving to fill it. The other wave of soldiers was approaching.

"God dammit you stupid hanyou!" I grabbed her, a little roughly, under the arm, ushered her toward the gap and gave her a mean push, "You're in our way!"

Even as I was doing so, I had to dodge another attack, and this time, when the nails scraped me, they carved deep into my side.

_Our fucking healer isn't around anymore…he's off somewhere being fucking nuts._

Lei finally seemed to get the message. She stumbled a little, righted herself, and ran for the gap. I covered her until she was clear of the clusterfuck of the DethBreed, and she started sprinting down the street, glancing back over her shoulder several times, like she really cared about whether or not she was leaving us behind.

At least now we could focus on what was happening.

The second wave was almost upon us. I readied myself to keep fighting. Took what precious little time I could afford to reload my gun.

And then we were in the middle of it. I lost focus on everything but the battle after that. Youkai were pressed in around me on all sides. I could smell them—their sweat and blood and piss and slobber. I saw their flashing, crazy eyes, felt their hands grasping at me and their claws scraping at me. Sometimes I could see Goku, fighting for all he was worth, with one arm, and sometimes he was completely out of sight, but I kept fighting, knocking them back, punching them silly, and blowing their heads off. Blood and carnage sprayed all around me. There were bodies under my feet. I was smelling and breathing and tasting blood. I was drenched in it. It was hell.

This time, they were relentless. They clawed at me and grabbed at me, and it was all I could do to break free or avoid being torn to pieces. I was barely able to find time to reload my gun, and before long, I found myself fighting without it completely. I swung and kicked and whipped them with my gun, I broke their faces in and went for their eyes. I felt wild myself, and I felt angrier than ever that those other two weren't here.

Not that I needed them to help me. But they were supposed to be here.

I heard Lei screaming over the din of battle, but I couldn't see her, and I couldn't waste time caring. I just had to keep fighting, through the heat and the blood and the pain. Red was dripping down in my eyes, but I didn't know if it was mine or someone else's. The hate in me was unbearable.

Come to think of it, why was I even putting myself through this? I could kill all these bastards in one focused attack, if I wanted to.

With a dark smile curving on my lips, I beat back a few more youkai and began to chant. The words started out softly, slowly almost, but they grew quickly, louder, and faster, each one dropping from my mouth like a black pearl of violence. I stood still, allowing them to surge around me, focusing on the holy words I was speaking until pain and exertion were nothing, and by the time the words 'Makai Tenjyo' rumbled up out of my throat, I felt almost calm again.

Brilliant light filled the air, illuminating the decimated, little town, the sutra flew around me, tearing through youkai after youkai, and in another second, it was all over.

The sutra was resting calmly on my shoulders again, and I was surrounded by dozens and dozens of bloody bodies. Goku was a few yards away, breathing hard and looking surprised.

Lei wasn't far off either. It looked like she's ran part way down the street and had been pursued by more youkai. They were dead just like the rest, and she was crouched there, clutching a large, heavy club, shaking so badly, I thought she might drop it.

Goku sighed, suddenly, "Good call. I was thinkin' we'd never get outta' that."

I looked him over, as inconspicuously as I could manage. He seemed okay, bleeding a little, here and there, but his arm was definitely the worst of it.

I thought I was okay also. My robes were torn and a little bit bloody, but I had held my own at least, and I'd live, even without the goddamn healer.

For a moment, we stood there, letting it sink in that the battle was over, and then I dusted myself off, half expecting to see another wave of them coming down the street, but we were totally alone now. The silence in the air was so intense, it almost seemed to tremble.

"We should get out of this despicable little town while we can." I said at last, spitting a wad of blood out. "There's nothing for us here."

"Right." Goku wiped his nose and then his mouth, and we began to walk toward the outskirts of the town. I noticed he was limping a little bit.

Lei joined us. She too seemed like she was in decent shape, all things considered.

I guess we were lucky.

For a while, none of us spoke. I kept my eyes and ears open for any more attackers as we made our way out of the town, and only once we'd left it half a mile behind us, did Goku and Lei begin talking.

It started with her asking if he was all right.

He sounded cheerful enough when he answered, "Mmhm, I'm okay. Just a little scratch."

"I'm so sorry…"

"What for?"

"You got hurt…because of me."

"'Naw, 'sall right. It ain't your fault."

Never mind that it actually was.

After that, she offered to wrap it for him, and the two of them whined at me for a break, so I eventually gave in, and we took a seat on the side of the road. I kept watch as Lei tended to Goku's injuries.

"Thank-you for protecting me." She murmured, sponging the wound clean.

I glanced at it, saw that it was ragged and inflamed, and the sight made me angry and sick all over again. I lit a cigarette and went back to keeping watch.

"Both of you." She added.

"It's no big deal." He told her, easily.

Personally, I thought it was a big deal, He'd only gotten injured because of her, and in this situation, we couldn't afford to be at anything less than our best.

I snorted, "Hn. You should have just run when I told you to."

I didn't look back at her, but I could hear the guilt in her voice. "Yes. I'm very sorry, Sanzo-san. I-I was just so afraid…"

"If you're going to stay with us, I expect you to listen to me from now on."

"I will. I promise."

"You'd _better_."

"Don't be mad, Sanzo." Goku interrupted, "It ain't her fault."

"It doesn't matter whose fault it is, Goku. I'm in charge here, and I expect you both to listen to me. Anyone who doesn't like it might as well stay behind, like the others."

He didn't answer, and we were all quiet for a bit longer.

I fell to thinking about the fight we'd had and the burned village we'd seen last night, and I still couldn't figure out what it was exactly that Ryptcore and the DethBreed was playing at. The freaks we'd fought had been so inhuman, and I had gotten the distinct feeling that they were just toying with us. My previous encounters with Ryptcore himself had led me to believe that _he_ was toying with us as well, like it was all just a big joke, or a game. I thought his freedom was supposed to be at stake here. My head for his liberty.

The message he'd left in the village made it clear enough to me that he definitely had it out for me, just as he said he did. I wondered if he had any idea that our team was separated now. If he did, he'd definitely use that to his advantage and attack again soon.

Nervously, I glanced up and down the road again. In the distance, I saw two figures heading in our direction, but I could see easily enough that it was Kougaiji and Dokugakuji, coming back from their scout just in time to be completely useless to me.

Behind me, Lei was speaking again, "Why did you do it, Goku-san? Why did you put yourself in harm's way for my sake?"

"Why not?"

"Because Sanzo-san is right. You could have gotten killed because of me."

"I dunno'. I couldn't just let 'em kill ya', right? That'd be sad. I don't think Gojyo'd like it, and I know _I_ wouldn't. 'Sides, you gotta' find Deshi, remember?"

I thought I heard her sniffle. "I'm in your debt, Goku-san."

"Naw, that's okay. But…we can be friends now. Right?"

She giggled a little. "Yes. Of course we can."

How touching.

Kougaiji and Dokugakuji were almost to us now. They were giving us long, hard looks, and when they were just a few feet away, Dokugokuji asked, "What happened to _you_ kids?"

"We had some flies to swat." I answered stonily.

"The DethBreed?"

"Who else?" I got up, dusting my robes off, "The two of us are moving on now. Anyone who's coming had better be ready to go."

Kougaiji said calmly, "I don't think you're going _that_ way, Sanzo?"

"And why is that?"

"From what we saw, the shortcut through the pass has been sabotaged. There's a river that cuts between this town and the next. If we take the shortcut, there's a bridge that leads across. The long route goes around it until we reach a point where it's shallow enough to ford, if I remember correctly."

"You still haven't answered my question."

"The bridge has been destroyed, probably by Ryptcore. It's impossible to take the pass now."

With a snort, I began to walk, "We'll have to take the long route then."

"I think that's a bad idea."

"I didn't ask you what you think."

"Sanzo." He was walking almost right next to me. To think, waltzing down the road, shoulder to shoulder with my sworn enemy. How far I'd fallen.

I slanted a glance at him.

"It will take two days to reach the next town if you go the long way—check the map if you don't believe me—and judging from what we saw in that town, I'd say Ryptcore is closing in. It's not safe to be caught in the middle of nowhere with him prowling around, especially not when the two of you are injured."

"Bleh." Goku chimed in, "We ain't hurt too bad."

"Then think of the girl." He retorted. "She'll be killed for sure."

After that, Goku was quiet.

Kougaiji went on, "Think about it, Sanzo. He'll be able to surround you out there, easily. It will be the perfect time for him to attack."

"It's none of your concern."

"It is. I want Ryptcore dead as much as you do."

"Then what do you suggest." I sneered. "Wait around until someone rebuilds the bridge?"

"Go back to the previous town. With any luck, the rest of your team will show up and-"

"I'm not waiting around for those two miscreants."

"We can't beat Ryptcore without them."

"I don't need them."

"You're doing exactly what Ryptcore wants you to do, Sanzo."

At last, I hesitated.

"The way I see it, he expects you to do one of two things. A. Go into the wilderness, where there's nowhere to run and nowhere to hide, so he can surround you with as many of his hellish soldiers as he wants, or B. Go back to the town he _didn't_ destroy. At least there you might be able to find some kind of advantage, a good location to fight, maybe, or your other friends, if you're lucky."

I ignored that last part and snapped, "Why exactly do you think he left that town intact? It's obvious he wants me to go there. Either way I'm doing exactly what he wants."

"No. I think Ryptcore will expect you to keep going, to try to make it to the next town. He'll think you don't want to risk getting innocent civilians involved. In the end, no matter what you do, I think the final showdown with him is coming soon, and the only thing you can do is pick where you make your last stand."

I didn't like it, and I especially didn't like hearing it from _him_. I wanted to keep going, I wanted to think that he was wrong, and that we could make it, but I knew better. I couldn't be stupid, or we'd all get killed.

Slowly, I looked down the road, back the way we'd come, and I could still see the middle town as a speck in the distance. Was there any chance in hell Hakkai and Gojyo might show up there if we went back?

_I know better than to count on that._

"There's more to this than pride." Kougaiji murmured.

I snapped, "Don't you think I know that? I don't need advice from you, Kougaiji—you're along for the ride because you wanted to come, not because I invited you—so keep your opinions to yourself. Goku. Let's go." I turned and started to march back down the road, begrudgingly.

Goku came trotting after me. "Where're we goin'? Back?"

"That fight put us behind schedule. We'll go there, spend the night, ditch the girl, and get an early start as soon as your arm is feeling better. If we move quickly enough, and no one slows us down, we won't have to camp out between there and the next town more than once. It's the best we can do."

He didn't answer, and I knew he was nervous. I was nervous too. Ryptcore had really driven us into a corner. I didn't know what he could possibly get out of leaving the middle town intact, other than, if all he wanted was to dick around with us, he might get some sick enjoyment out of watching us pick where he was going to kill us.

_He is not going to kill us. I won't let this bullshit be the death of me._

Kougaiji was still close beside me. I growled at him, "What the hell is this DethBreed anyway?"

He seemed surprised, "What do you mean?"

"That army. What is it? They don't seem to be conscious of pain or fear or _anything_. The officers we've fought were crazy, but at least they had some sense of self."

"I don't really know. They say that the DethBreed is cursed to follow Ryptcore wherever he goes."

"I thought they chose to join him."

"Yes. The choice is theirs to make. However, once they pledge fealty to their general, they can never be released, unless it's by death. I don't know what sort of dark art is involved, if any. All I can say is, Ryptcore would want his officers to half a sense of self so that they can make executive decisions without him. As for the rest…they seem to be little more than slaves."

"Hn."

"But don't be fooled. They don't deserve any pity—they're as heartless and bloodthirsty as he is."

"I don't pity them. I _never_ show pity to my enemies."

He was quiet for the rest of the walk back to the town, and that was fine by me. I was sick of hearing what my enemy had to say.

The others were quiet too, and I got the feeling that everyone was tired more than anything. It took us the rest of the afternoon to walk back into town, and by the time we got there, the sun was setting.

I felt exhausted too, as I turned to watch it sink into the west, and I could barely battle back the feeling of hopelessness, but I couldn't give into those feelings, and I certainly couldn't let them show.

_Ryptcore. I'm here, so come and get me if you want._

When he came, I would make him regret the day he was created, and when it was over, I would still be standing.

Of that, I was certain.


	21. Chapter 21

**About this chapter… this is basically the reason the story is rated M, or whatever it is, but, it is pretty important… If you can handle some semi-hardcore sexy stuff, by all means, continue. If anyone wants it, you can PM me and I can post an edited, less citrus-y version. That is all.  
Without further ado…**

* * *

**Hakkai**

I was awake, as if someone had suddenly turned me on. Overhead, the night sky was dark and mysterious, seeming to move of its own will, in a calm drift of wind and clouds. I could smell everything with sudden acuteness. There was rain, somewhere far in the distance, a storm that was perhaps days away. There was the familiar warmth of the earth, scents riding in on the midnight breeze: animals and blood, people and water and nature. I heard it all trembling around me. Leaves shuddering, distant footsteps, wolves howling, a rushing stream, branches snapping. The world seemed very vivid right then, and I wondered if perhaps that vividness alone had woken me up.

More importantly, I felt strange… I felt strong and fierce, with the familiar, aching lust for blood swelling through me, and the tingling of unmatched speed and power humming in my limbs.

_Kill. Kill. Kill._ The voice inside of me urged, but it seemed even stronger than before, and this feeling was despairingly familiar. It was almost as if…

I touched my ear, gasped suddenly. They were gone. All three. But…how? I didn't recall removing any of them.

Quickly, I sat up, looking around. Our campfire was still burning a little, and from the position of the moon, it was one or two in the morning. Gojyo was sleeping right next to me, completely oblivious of the monster lying beside him, but when I scanned the area for Jeep, I saw that he'd gone to roost in a tree branch high above my head, and he was peering down at me, nervously.

"Jeep…"

My dragon crooned back at me.

"What happened?" I groped around frantically for my limiter cuffs, searching for them as quickly as I could and trying not to disturb Gojyo. "What is going on? Where are…?"

"Looking for these?"

I looked up to see Jade crouching just on the outskirts of our camp, sitting back on her haunches, eyes gleaming, tongue lolling from her mouth. She looked like an animal, swathed in black and shrouded by shadow, her sharp, white teeth shining just a little. She held up one fist, shook it, and I heard the familiar, metallic tinkling of my limiter cuffs rattling around in her hand.

"You!" I hissed. I was on my feet in a heartbeat. "Give those back. This instant!"

"Or what?"

"Or I'll make you."

"What an unimaginative threat." She stood up too, "Tell me what you're going to _do_ to me, Cho Hakkai. Describe to me in exact detail what will happen if I don't return your precious limiters to you."

"I'll kill you." I snarled. My voice hardly even sounded like my own, "I'll tear you to pieces with my bare hands."

The voice in me was shouting now, _Kill! Kill! Kill!_ I wanted very badly to indulge it. I wanted to taste the bitter sweetness of blood and feel it dripping from my hands. I wanted to rake my claws through fresh, hot flesh.

"That sounds very romantic." She purred, moving toward me. "But I have something a little more interesting in mind."

I fought to keep my composure as she slid her soft, smooth hand over my face. If I lost it now and indulged my violent desires, I didn't know if I'd be able to come back. Removing my limiter was much like testing the water in a pool. Little by little, I was getting more used to it, getting wetter each time, with no guarantee that I'd want to get back out again. Right now, I felt as if I were up to my neck in it, and if I went under, I didn't know if I'd be able to resurface.

"Jade." I said earnestly, "Return those to me, at once. Don't you understand…?"

She smiled at me, wolfishly, "I understand. You'll get them back, I promise—that is, if you still want them when this is over—but hear my proposition first."

"What proposition? Of _course_ I want them back—immediately."

Jade stepped past me. She stood over Gojyo. "Pigheaded, isn't he?"

"Don't you touch him."

"Odd. I thought for sure you'd make him leave after what you almost did this morning."

The memory of this morning came to me in a hurried, violent flash. I didn't remember how she'd convinced me to take my limiters off, but I did remember standing over Gojyo—much as she was now—honestly considering killing him; I remembered racing through the woods with Jade and how great it felt to wild and untethered by anything else. I remembered how it felt to chase down the deer and kill it with my bear hands, the sweet taste of its gore in my mouth. At some point, I must have come around and managed to get my limiters back on, but that was only after hours and hours of going without them. I was lucky not to have gone berserk this morning. I was lucky not to have done something I'd regret for the rest of my life.

Right now though, I couldn't put my limiters back on if I wanted to. I focused on the hand I knew she was holding them in. I could probably rip her hand right off at the wrist. That would be extremely satisfying.

She was speaking again. "Doesn't it frustrate you that he won't listen? Isn't it annoying to have him always pulling you back to reality? Doesn't it bother you that he is the only thing between you and complete freedom right now? I think it would bother me. I think, if it were my friend, I'd kill him for such impertinence."

Obviously she had no idea what it was like to have a friend.

I was still staring at her hand, imagining the blood and the painful screaming and the taste of brutality. I licked my lips.

Jade splayed the claws of her free hand, "The ignorant, little fool. He thinks he's helping you, but he has no idea that he's just gotten in the way. Think, my love. Think how happy we could be. We're so close. Your other friends have already left you behind; now if only _he_ would just go away."

"Give me my limiters." I insisted darkly. My body was shuddering from the anticipation. "I can't promise I won't kill you if you don't return them to me immediately."

"Kill him." She said simply. Like a drop of water in a bucket. Like telling me to fix my hair or take out the trash. "Once I have his dead body at my feet, I'll give them to you."

I stammered, "A-are you out of your mind?! Absolutely not!"

"Not even to get your limiters back?"

"Not for _anything_."

"Hm." She touched a finger to her lips, "I wonder how much time you have, exactly? Without your limiters, your sanity is on a short fuse, am I right? Is his life really more important than your own mental health? Well, why should it be? It's easy enough to make another abomination."

I stared at her, helplessly. If I attacked, it would put me that much closer to the edge. If I stood here, continuously not wearing my limiter, I'd likely lose it anyway—I felt desperately close to losing it already—if I killed Gojyo, she said I'd get my limiter back, but the act of spilling his blood would probably shove me past the point of no return anyway. Besides…

"Well." She looked back at me, "What are you waiting for? Do it."

_Kill! Kill! Kill!_

I was disgusted to find that there was some hideous part of me that actually _wanted_ to do it.

I took a shaky step forward. Then another.

"When it's over, we'll be free. You and me, Cho Hakkai. We'll destroy Ryptcore and rule this world together. Just think of how nice it will be to be rid of all those pointless inhibitions."

_Kill! Kill! Kill!_

_ It would be nice to not have to consider all these issues of morality anymore. I must admit…it would be nice to be free to do as I please._

I was standing beside him now. She was hissing in my ear, warm breath tickling my neck, making me feel that much more wild, and somewhat aroused, even, "At the cost of one disgusting, insignificant, little hanyou, you can become the way you were born to be."

_Born…?_

_ I was never born. I simply am._

I looked down at Gojyo. He was so oblivious, so blissfully unsuspecting. I could kill him in his sleep. He likely wouldn't even know it.

I opened my claws. It probably wouldn't even _hurt…_

How absurdly simple would it be?

_What am I thinking?_

Jeep's shrill voice pierced the silence, suddenly, snapping me back to reality.

Gojyo sat up with a jolt, "What the-?" He stared up at us, eyes wide with shock, mouth dropping open a little.

I couldn't even imagine what must have ran through his mind in those few seconds as Jade and I stood over him, me without my limiter, her with that sick smile on her face, both of us looking ready to commit murder.

"Ah, fuck." He jumped up and sprang back.

Jade was on him in half a second. She leapt after him, catching the front of his shirt and slamming him down hard into the dirt, pinning him down.

Gojyo struggled like a bird caught in the paws of a cat, "You dumb bitch!"

"Come, Cho Hakkai." She urged, "What are you waiting for? You might miss him some at first, but in time, you'll forget. There will be so many great things for you to consider instead."

I was breathing hard and my heart was pounding. My claws were aching to saw through him. It was a horrible feeling, yet it was rapidly overwhelming me. I barely managed to choke out, "No. Nothing is worth that to me."

Jade looked back over her shoulder at me, eyes wide with interest, "Is that so?"

Gojyo took the opportunity. He smashed his forehead hard against her chin, then kicked her off, scrambled to his feet again, shakujou appearing in one hand. He backed down, eyes darting between the two of us, warily, "'The fuck's goin' on, Hakkai?"

I didn't answer, gritted my teeth in hopes of gaining a bit more composure.

"Oy! You still _you_, man?"

"Yes." I grated out, painfully.

"Put your fuckin' limiter back on."

"I'm afraid I'm unable to this time."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Jade was getting up now. She looked ruffled, but unhurt. She jingled the cuffs in her fist again. "He can have them back on one condition."

Gojyo stared at her in disbelief, "You gotta' be shitting me."

"Gojyo!" I took a jerky step toward him.

He lurched back, out of reaction, if I had to guess, swung the shakujou once.

"You have to…get out of here!" I could feel it happening. I could feel my violence taking over, like it had before, when I fought Ryptcore and Goku, or when I'd killed Chang. "I don't know if I can resist…"

Jade laughed triumphantly, "Doesn't it feel wonderful, my love? Embrace it. Kill him."

"You crazy bitch!" Gojyo screamed, "Quit this bullshit!" Just like that, he was on the attack. He rushed her and took a swipe at her hand, obviously meaning to sever it at the wrist, but Jade was quick, and she darted out of the way. He threw himself into her, knocking her back against a tree, and they scuffled for a moment or two before he managed to bring her to the ground and restrain her. "Give it up, you stupid whore!" He grabbed onto her wrist.

"I think not." She grinned. "Not until I see you dead by his hands."

"Fuck you!" He slammed her wrist down, hard, against a rock.

Jade gasped in surprise and pain. She lost her grip on the limiters, and they flew through the air, bouncing and tinkling, one after another, on the hard ground.

Gojyo let her go to dive after them.

She grabbed him around the waist and swung him around, rolling on top of him with a hiss, "You just need a little encouragement, don't you, darling?"

"Hakkai! Get your damn-"

She leaned over and bit into his neck.

Gojyo yelped.

I watched in horrid fascination as her fangs broke through his skin, and blood began to gush down over his shoulder and collar bone, and her tongue slid over it, crimson sticking to her lips and the corners of her mouth. The smell of his blood permeated the air, acrid and coppery and warm.

That was all it took.

Everything happened in the blink of an eye after that. Jade was up and off of him, smooth and fluid as the darkness itself.

Gojyo got up a little slower, clutching his neck and cursing.

I sprang forward.

I hit him hard, and we went tumbling through the bushes together, head over heels, shouting and snarling, bounced to a stop, and I was on top, feeling him writhe beneath me. I saw the blood staining his shirt and the grass. I could smell it filling my nostrils. It was too much. It was too strong. I couldn't resist—she must have known that when she…

"Hakkai, c'mon, man. What are you doing?"

I bent over him resting my mouth against his neck. His skin was warm; the blood was hot and sticky.

"H-Hakkai…"

My prey was breathing hard. I could smell his fear.

"Don't even…"

"Why don't you struggle?" I murmured, "I'm going to kill you, you know."

"No. No you're not… C'mon, dude, what're you thinking?!"

I took a tentative lick.

His breath hitched.

It was just the way it smelled: metallic and warm and bitter. But there was a sweet quality to it too. A sickly sweetness. It was enticing and powerful and addictive, and I wanted more. I lapped it up, sliding my tongue up the length of his jugular.

My prey went rigidly stiff. "H-Hey!"

I gulped up a mouthful of his blood. It went down smooth, like the best sake. More. More. I had to have more.

I sank my teeth in and bit as hard as I could, felt more delicious, warm liquid begin to flow.

"Hakkai, you asshole!" He struck me hard, right in the temple.

My vision blurred for a moment, and I lost my grip, just long enough for him to wriggle away. He got up, staggering and panting, blood dripping down the front of his shirt in copious amounts.

I rocked back onto my haunches, shook my head, clearing away the pain and sudden dizziness. With a snarl, I was up again, attacking.

My prey jumped back. He wasn't quick enough. I was so much faster and stronger and smarter than he was. He couldn't possibly escape me.

My claws clipped him. I felt the delightful sensation of sawing through flesh.

"Fuck you!" Instead of backing away again, he came right at me, fist cocked, took a swing.

It missed, but he followed up with another.

I circled around him, looking for an opening, another opportunity to rip into him.

He kicked me back.

I sprang out of range. His legs were considerably longer than my own. Something to keep in mind. A danger to watch for.

Aside from that, his teeth were dull and his fingers were blunt. He was naturally unarmed. I didn't see his weapon anywhere.

I'd have to watch for it as well.

The stench of his blood was saturating the air. It made me lightheaded with thirst and hunger.

It was a strange taste. I rolled it through my mouth again as I circled. It was vaguely familiar, like that of my own youkai blood, but I could taste the human in it too.

Both. The perfect blend of strength and sweetness.

I dove at him, slashed with my claws. Barely missed.

He leapt forward with an outraged scream.

Smoothly, I stepped to one side, let it glide past me.

"Run away." I rasped. "It's impossible for an inferior creature like you to beat me."

How thrilling it would be to chase and hunt and eventually slay this creature.

"Never!" He shouted, throwing an elbow-strike at me. It swept past the end of my nose, probably would have broken it if he'd hit. But I was too fast. "I'll never run away from _you_, you fucking dick!"

I ducked under his next punch, took a clean swipe.

This time, my claws went deep and tore through flesh and muscle. I felt the exciting, hot splash of blood up my wrist and forearm, grinned to myself.

My prey staggered a little again, holding onto his stomach, but he didn't run. I could smell how afraid he was, but he wouldn't run. It was just the slightest bit frustrating.

I moved in for the kill.

He came forward too. I'd give him one thing—this prey was not afraid of being hit. Then, I wondered what the fear I could so easily smell indicated.

Something about this was familiar, I thought, as we circled around each other, exchanging blow for blow. Something about the fire in his eyes and the way he refused to back down, even when he was losing. What was it? Something almost seemed to be calling me from another life.

_I slam him back against the refrigerator, and it rattles. He recovers immediately, like he's spring loaded. We crash into the counter. Dishes fall. I make a grab for his hair, swing him around. He kicks me in the stomach._

_ "Don't fuckin' touch my hair."_

_ "It's a fight…"_

He launched forward again, but I was still trying to clear away the odd flashback I'd just had. Suddenly, I felt remarkably strange, as if I wasn't exactly myself.

_Then, who am I?_

I clawed at him, absently.

But he feinted back, avoided the attack, came around and jabbed me in the side with his elbow, knocking me off balance.

I snarled at him again.

His other fist came out of nowhere. It smashed hard against the side of my head, and I stumbled, falling down suddenly, grabbing wildly at a tree branch, straining to keep on my feet.

He stood over me with his fists clenched, "You done? C'mon, man, I'll knock you into next fucking year!"

For a moment, I sat on the ground, hands fisted in the grass, breathing heavily, with the pain throbbing in my skull, trying to get a grip…trying to remember…

_Who am I?_

_ I-I can't remember…_

"Hakkai!"

The voice snapped me back to the present, and I jerked my head up to stare at him. He was bleeding. Did I do that? His neck. His stomach.

_Did I…?_

"G-Gojyo…"

His posture relaxed, but only slightly; I could see he wasn't completely off guard yet.

"I…" I stared down at my hands. They were bloody. _His_ blood. "No. Oh, no…"

"Dude?"

Shuddering, I looked up at him again. I could barely stand it—the blood, the pain in his eyes, the fear I could smell, even now, the soft, pleading quality of his voice. I couldn't take it. It made this horrific well of pain explode deep inside my chest.

"Are you…_you_?"

Terrible memories rolled over me, fuzzy and distant like dreams. Licking at the blood on his neck. Tearing into him with my teeth. Ripping through him with my claws. Honestly attempting to kill him. Not just kill him, _eat_ _him._

_Did that really happen_?

I wasn't like Goku though. I could remember those things clearly enough. I knew they had really happened. I had really tried to…

Just like that, I was on my feet, "No… NO. I'm not. I'm not me. I'm not sure…I'm not sure _who_…"

_I'm not sure who I am…_

"Hey, man, wait."

He reached for me.

I shoved him away, "Stay away! Don't touch me! Are you stupid? Are you?! Just _look_!"

"Hakkai-"

"Shut up!" I slapped him across the jaw with the back of my hand.

It shut him up. He stared at me, wide-eyed, mouth falling open, looking almost child-like …

_Because…_

I jumped back, as if I'd burned my hand on the stove. I screamed. I couldn't help it. I screamed so loud my lungs felt like they'd burst into flames.

He didn't move.

"Just get away from me! Just forget all about it!"

He didn't answer either. He was standing stark still, even as I turned away from him and ran into the woods.

I don't know how long I ran or how far I went. I only knew that every time I considered stopping, all those horrible images would come back to me. _Biting him. Clawing him. Slapping him. The way he just stared at me…_

It was too much. I wanted to run away from those memories. I had to get as far away from him as I possibly could. It didn't even matter what happened to me now, I just had to make sure that, when I lost my sanity completely, my friends weren't there to be the recipients of the consequences.

_I was stupid…_

Yes, yes, I was so stupid. I walked away from them after killing Chang, because I knew I had become a danger to them. I had felt the line of sanity inside me buckle and shudder, like an old rubber band, and I had known it was only a matter of time now before it snapped completely. It hadn't been easy to walk out on them when I knew that they needed me, but I knew that it was necessary. I knew that, as long as I wasn't around, they would be safe from my instability and my increasing violence.

But that stupid Gojyo just had to follow me. Why? Didn't he know any better?

_"…Are you stupid? Are you?!"_

I shut my eyes tight and continued to run. No. No, Gojyo wasn't stupid. I knew why he had followed me. I knew what he was trying to do. Even if he couldn't help me get back to normal, I knew why he wouldn't just leave me hanging on my very last thread. There was too much history behind us for that; we'd learned dozens of times over that neither of us could ever just abandon the other.

So I had allowed him to accompany me. I had ignored all my gut feelings on the matter, and I hadn't left him behind, even when I had the opportunity, and I hadn't insisted that he leave. I was selfish, I recognized, and I wanted Gojyo to go with me. I didn't want to face my trials alone, because I was a coward, and I needed his strength and his stubbornness to help me get through this. As much as he needed me to remind him to take out the garbage every day.

But my selfishness had put him in danger, just as I'd known it would.

I didn't realize though. I hadn't thought Jade was going to use him against me like that. Up until now, she'd been leaving my comrades alone. Aside from the vow that, when Ryptcore was dead, she would kill Sanzo, she'd been acting like our ally ever since she joined our team. Well, she had pushed Deshi down the well, and she _had_ been antagonizing me every step of the way. But never the less, she hadn't taken any action to hurt my teammates. She had stood with me when I had to face Ryptcore and the Seiten Taisei.

Why did that change, seemingly overnight? Even this morning, when I'd stood over Gojyo and considered killing him, she hadn't urged me to do so. She hadn't said anything—she had watched to see what I would do, and then she'd joined me in the hunt for the deer.

_So what changed?_

I was terribly afraid that I might already know the answer to that question.

"…_keep your dog on a shorter leash, Cho Hakkai, or else the wolf may snap him up under the full moon."_

When she said that to me, I had feared that she would kill him if he gave her reason, and then, today…this morning, when he'd found us in the woods together, perhaps he had given her reason after I'd walked away. I should have stayed to make sure he didn't go provoking her. I should have at least stayed within earshot.

That had to be it. He must have done _something_.

_Unless…_

"…_Doesn't it bother you that he is the only thing between you and complete freedom right now…?"_

_What did she mean by that?_

I thought maybe I'd rather not know.

I stopped running, and I was breathing harder than ever, shaking with fear and disbelief and cold. _How could I let this happen_?

I couldn't run any further, but I didn't dare lie down and sleep; I slumped back against a tree and covered my face with my hands, feeling the brutal tips of my claws scrape over my skin, and the congealing touch of Gojyo's blood on my face.

_How could I do that?_

_And that idiot…just stared at me…like he couldn't believe what I did._

His mother must have been truly heartless if she could see _that_ face every day and keep right on hitting him.

What now?

My limiters were miles behind me, along with my very last ally, ahead of me was miles of wilderness and uncertainty, brimming with potential enemies, and as always, my own insanity and violence was sneaking up on me, threatening to grab me and drag me down when I least expected it.

_What should I do?_

Going back for my limiters was completely out of the question. No matter how much I needed them, I certainly couldn't go back and face Gojyo after what I'd done. If it were a matter of losing my sanity or seeing that look on his face again, I'd gladly take the former.

Above me, I thought I heard a chirp and then a croon.

I pulled my hands away from my face, looking around the branches above me. "J-Jeep?"

I didn't see him anywhere, but I definitely heard his voice.

"Jeep!"

It was foolish, screaming like that, in the middle of nowhere, all alone, when Ryptcore could be hiding behind any rock or tree, but I was so distraught and so disgusted and so desperate for comfort in any form, I just couldn't help it. "Jeep! Over here!"

For a seoncd, there was nothing, and then I saw his white, fluttering shape come down from the dark and the tree tops, singing and chirping away.

"Jeep…" I reached out for him, "I'm…so happy to see you…"

Flapping his wings steadily, he hovered just in front of me; instead of landing on my arm or my shoulder, as he normally did, he nudged at my fist.

"What? What is it?"

He nudged me again.

This time, I turned my hand over, palm open.

He deposited my three limiter cuffs into my hand. They were cold, but they were familiar, and they were certainly comforting. I clenched them so tightly it hurt. "Oh. Jeep… Thank-you. Thank-you so much."

At last, he landed on my shoulder, nuzzling against my neck, just under my ear, and I put my cuffs back on and felt the unnatural strength and violence leave my body. I patted him on the head. "I can always count on you, can't I?"

The words made me feel unbelievably sad, and I almost started screaming again. Now that I was in human form again, I was a bit calmer; I remembered that I'd left Gojyo behind, injured and bleeding, with Jade stalking about. That was irresponsible, without a doubt, and it made me a terrible friend.

If I went back though, I'd only put him in more danger.

_Will that even matter if he bleeds to death?_

Then again, I didn't think he was injured badly enough to bleed to death.

At any rate, there was no clear action for me to take. It seemed like no matter what I did, he was going to get hurt, and I was going to be responsible.

"Gojyo…" I sank down against my tree, cradling my head against my hands again, "Forgive me, please."

How could he ever forgive me? I didn't think _I_ could even forgive me. What I'd done…the horrible things I'd done… How could I even live with myself?

Did I in fact deserve to live, going on like this, ever on the brink of my own sanity?

For what I'd done, I hoped someone would come along and end my miserable life. I'd done so many terrible things already…but this was inexcusable. I'd made an honest attempt on Gojyo's life. I had wanted with every fiber of my being to destroy and devour him. I hadn't even recognized that he _was_ Gojyo.

He'd come after me and stuck by me and put himself in danger, just to help me, and in the end, this was how I repaid him. By trying to kill him.

The guilt was too terrible and heavy to ignore. If I closed my eyes, I saw it all again. The blood I'd spilled. The wounds I'd carved. The awful look on his face.

It wasn't an angry look…it wasn't even _disbelieving_, I didn't think. No, it was startled and hurt. As if he wanted to ask, _How could you do that to me?_

I deserved to die for this. I almost wished he had just killed me instead of giving me that stupid, childish look. I wished I could somehow go back and fix this, but I didn't think I could ever make up for what I'd done.

With a sob, I buried my face against my arms. "I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry…"

Sorry wasn't enough this time though. In a million years I'd never be able to make up for what I'd done, and the taste of his blood was still in my mouth. I could still feel him writhing in panic beneath me. I could almost feel the insatiable desire to kill him. My own room mate. My closest friend.

There had to be some way to make up for it, to fix it, to somehow change it…but I knew that there wasn't. Those things had happened, and they would always stand in my mind as the same horrific event they truly represented.

I was only there in the solitude of the night for a few moments before I heard someone taking carefully measured steps through the trees, coming up behind me, from the sound of it. I waited, thinking it was either my imagination or an animal, but within a second or two, I was certain I hadn't imagined it, and I could tell from the intelligent pattern of the steps that it was likely a person. I scented the wind, but with my limiter on, I couldn't smell anything very telling. No blood. No musk. No perfume.

"Gojyo?" I called hopefully, even though, I was sure that if I saw him right now, I'd get sick and have to run away again.

There was a feminine peal of laughter, like the tinkling of a silver bell; it was ice cold and mocking. "You're really something, my love." She hissed, appearing beside me. "Even after all of that, you're calling for him? That fool is probably halfway across the world by now, if he knows what's good for him."

I got up, feeling old and tired, "How dare you follow me after everything you just did. Who do you think you are? Don't you understand? I don't want anything to do with you!"

"So you say…and yet, you won't just kill me and have it over and done with. You keep making up these excuses about how I'm your ally, or how foolish it would be to provoke me. I'm not sure you really believe any of that, darling. I think there must be something more to it."

"Oh, is that your theory? Well, what, may I ask, do you _think_ I-"

I felt her hand slide down my torso to my crotch. "It's the same old motive any man has, of course."

I gasped at the touch, "What are you…?"

Smiling, Jade leaned against me, free hand cupping the side of my face. Her eyes were shining like two, green moons. "I'm not ignorant to the ways of men, you see. I know you want me—you want to be inside me—I felt it the first night we kissed."

My mind reeled back to that moment in a storm of confusion, and I remembered the press of her soft lips against mine and the warmth of her tongue, the sharpness of her teeth. In the heat of the moment, it had been such a blur, I'd hardly known what was happening, but looking back on it, it was vivid and powerful.

Some part of me had been filled with longing ever since that kiss, and I'd be foolish to think Jade didn't realize it.

She lingered close to my lips, whispering with the flirtatious beauty of a woman, and the hissing slyness of a temptress, "I want you inside me."

I realized I was breathing hard, feeling considerably aroused.

"I want nothing more to do with you." I told her, weakly, and as soon as the words were out, I wasn't sure if they were true or not. They should be, after what had just happened, but…

Another pair of beautiful, green eyes flashed before my mind's eye, and my heart began to ache.

If only I could get that feeling back, just once more…

Jade's hand slipped back up over the hem of my pants, under my shirt, and I felt her fingernails scraped lightly along the skin of my stomach.

My breath hitched.

"You can't keep lying to yourself, my love. It isn't healthy."

Her hand glided back down my body, this time into my pants.

I could no longer stand the anticipation. I couldn't wonder and debate with myself any longer, because, in a way, she was right. For all the wrong reasons, there was some pathetic, ill part of me that wanted this.

Agressively, I wrapped one hand around the back of her neck, pulling her against me and planting my mouth against hers. Her lips were warm and moist and full. It had been so long since I'd kissed anyone. It had been so long since I'd been touched.

Jade accepted my tongue in her mouth willingly, returning the kiss almost viciously, with her velvet tongue and her razor teeth.

I ran my hand up over her side to cup her breast, feeling the warm firmness of her body against mine, heart beating wildly with desire.

After all, I was as much of a man as anyone else, wasn't I? I had the same needs. The same desires.

She pulled away to kiss my jaw and then my neck, long tongue stroking my jugular and then writhing inside my ear canal. Her teeth nipped at the lobe. Her mouth sucked my flesh until it almost hurt.

Moaning, I threw my head back. I knew that I should put a stop to this right now, before things got out of hand and I did something I didn't really want to do, but she was undoing my pants now, slowly unzipping them, and I was getting hard with desire.

I pulled the shirt off, up over her head, kissed her passionately, mouth falling over her face and neck, down to her collarbone, and then to her bare shoulder, across her chest and her cleavage. Her long, wild hair fell around us both, like a curtain. She smelled like the open air of the mountains and the crispness of winter. I ran my fingers down her back, feeling smooth, hot skin beneath them.

Jade was breathing hard and moaning a little now as well, as I continued to kiss the tops of her breasts. Her skin was almost white under the moonlight. "You-you're good at this…" She whispered, and her hands flowed up under my shirt again, scraping at my back.

Not responding, I brought my own hand around across her hips and then up and down her thigh, over to her crotch. It was warm to the touch. Then, every part of her was. She was like a burning coal, pressed against me, leaving marks that might take a very long time to heal.

I should end this. This felt so wrong, and yet, slowly, I was losing all desire to stop.

I undid her jeans as well. My hand slipped inside.

For several minutes, Jade threw her head back in ecstasy, trembling and gasping as I kissed and touched her, and I felt a dash of pleasure at having the chance to hold and feel and satisfy a woman for the first time in over four years.

The lust in me was beyond my control, but I thought of Kanan, and it hardly mattered. Her cherry lips. Her wonderous eyes. Her soft hair. Her beautiful, graceful body, shivering beneath me.

'Gonou, I love you…'

Letting my eyes fall closed, I kissed her that much more intensely. I wanted to make this moment last, for the times I'd never see her again. I wanted to have this memory to hold onto, in the years to come, when I knew I couldn't have her ever again. Gently, lovingly, I kissed her mouth and embraced her, touched her skin and felt her touching mine, reveled in the sensation of her fingers threading through my hair.

She pressed me back against the tree, much more firmly than I expected, mouth drifting, daintily, down my neck and chest. She lifted my shirt and kissed the scar on my stomach, tongue running along it, a beautiful, tender apology for things that weren't our fault.

'_I'm so sorry, Gonou.'_

Her mouth drifted lower; she pulled my pants down so they hung low on my hips.

I was shaking a little as I leaned against the tree, grasping at the trunk for support.

Her grip was firm. Her mouth was hot. The pleasure was indescribable.

So many years had passed since I'd allowed myself to indulge in this manner, and why? It wasn't as if we didn't love each other, and that was all that mattered. Wasn't it?

Her lovely, small hands ran up my thighs, up the backs of my legs, over my buttocks, kneading with her fingers. Her pretty, soft mouth was sliding up and down, warm and bold, her tongue damp and soft as silk. I recognized the buried but familiar sensation of beginning to climax. Her finger touched my anus.

It startled me—she'd never done something like that before, because she was modest and traditional and innocent—but I tried to relax and slowly overcame the oddity of it, focused that much harder on the feeling of her mouth on my penis. I was so close to climaxing now, it almost hurt.

"Oh, Kanan." I stammered, "Kanan…"

Everying stopped. Her hands froze. Her mouth disappeared. She let go of me.

Eyelids fluttering, I opened my eyes to look at her.

She was standing now, green eyes glowing, skin like alabaster stone, drenched in shadows and moonlight. "Kanan?" She repeated.

I didn't have time to think about what had just happened, or to worry about it even. She hadn't finished me off, and it was excruciating. "F-forgive me…I…"

Jade's eyes searched mine with all the wild intellect and curiosity of an animal. "Who do you think I am?"

"N-no one…"

She stared at me a moment longer.

I lowered my gaze and reached to wrap up what she'd started, since I highly doubted she'd want to continue now.

Jade grabbed my wrist to stop me, her grip like an iron vice. There was a vicious smile on her lips when I looked at her again. Her words were icy, "You lost someone, didn't you? You're too good at this to be a virgin. Where is she? Did she die?"

I squirmed, "That's none of your business."

"I see." Her free hand touched my nose and drifted down my lips to my chin. "You miss her, don't you?"

"As I said, it's none of your concern." I shifted again, wrinced. "You can't actually mean to end this here…"

"Men." She snorted. "What weak creatures you really are."  
"Physiology is different." I managed to choke out.

"Well." Her hand stroked my face, ventured back down my body, stopping just short of my erection.

I felt the urge to scream out of pure frustration and physical torture.

With an even more brutal smile, Jade kissed me again, this time on the forehead, "That's what I like about little boys." She said lowly, "They're so easy to exploit."

Before I knew what was happening, her jeans were halfway down and she was pressed against me, my face buried in her cleavage, and I was deep inside her. Hot breath flowed down the inside of my ear as we rocked back and forth, hands grabbing at anything we could find—hair, clothes, skin, limbs-nails digging into flesh until blood was drawn, voices crying out and rising higher and higher into the night. I thrust into her and felt mixes of guilt, shame, pleasure and satisfaction swelling through me, fading from one emotion to the next, like the changing seasons, until I hardly knew what to feel at all. The night was cold, but I felt warm and wild and passionate. My heart was splintered and screaming, but my spirit rippled with intertwining hope and triumph. I hardly knew who I was, and I wasn't sure I cared, because it was too late to turn back now.

There was a time when I could have put a stop to this, when I could have pulled away and walked off alone, to continue on with my lonely, miserable life, but I hadn't, and I had to live with the consequences of that choice now, so I couldn't think about what I'd done to Gojyo, or wonder about Sanzo and Goku, or worry about Ryptcore, or the mission. I just wanted this, what I had in front of me, right now. Even if I hated myself for it tomorrow and I couldn't convince myself, for now, I could live with it, because although it felt wrong, it also felt undeniably good.

* * *

**Gojyo**

After crazy, fucking, half-way-berserk Hakkai ran off, I stood where I was for about a minute and a half; I don't know if I was just trying to gather my composure, or maybe convince myself that what just happened was reality and not a fucked up nightmare, or if I was just too scared and too hurt to go after him.

I wasn't really afraid of _him_. I wasn't scared of getting hurt more. I was just scared that maybe I couldn't help him this time, and that if I went after him, I'd be there to witness him losing his mind completely. I'd rather skip that.

As for being hurt…well, my wounds stung a lot, and my neck was throbbing, my ribs were bothering me and my head was spinning, but I didn't think I was hurt too bad, really. I was bleeding a lot, but it was a dark, slow, oozing kind of bleeding, not a bright, uncontrollable, continuous spray. Both of those psychos had bit me—I could hardly fucking believe that—but they must not have bit the artery in my neck. Did they miss on purpose? I had no idea.

Anyway, if it wasn't physical pain that was stopping me from going after him, I made up my mind that I had no reason not to go, so I ran into the trees, in the same direction he'd taken.

It sucked. It really, really sucked. I didn't want to, I realized, when I'd been going for a little bit. I didn't _want_ to follow crazy-ass, fucking, half-way-berserk, psycho Hakkai into the dark, scary woods at three o'clock in the goddamn morning. I didn't want to fight him again, but I'd probably have to, because he still didn't have his limiter. I didn't want to fight Jade either. I definitely didn't want to fight them both at the same time. I had to go though.

When I'd gone a little ways, it occurred to me that maybe I should have hunted around for his limiter before chasing after him, but I didn't know where to look exactly, and it was dark, and by the time I actually found the damn things, he'd probably be miles and miles away, and I'd never find him. I had to take my chances, work with what I got, and hope for the best.

_I got nothing._

Honestly, I didn't know what the fuck I was going to do when I caught up to him. Try to talk sense into him, I guess. Beat the shit out of him, maybe, if I could. Maybe I'd be able to convince him to come back with me and look for his damn limiters. And then…

_Then_ was an exhausting concept. It meant the future, and I couldn't even imagine what the future was going to be like. The longer this went on, the more I felt like I just couldn't help Hakkai. I felt so powerless I could scream. It sucked.

_Then_. If we found his limiters, and he was willing to put them back on, and he didn't run away from me or tell me to go the hell away, and we actually kept walking west, we'd just be back on the same old clock, waiting for the next time he took off his limiters, went crazy, and tried to kill me.

_Dammit, Hakkai, what is wrong with you?_ If he knew he was so close to the edge, why did he keep taking his shit off? Did he _want_ to go berserk?

No, it all had to do with that goddamn cunt, Jade. Because she reminded him of Kanan, or whatever; I didn't really care what the deal was, I was up over my head with being sick to fucking death of her screwing around with Hakkai, and I was _really_ sick of him telling me we couldn't just send her on her way, because she was an "ally", which was the biggest load of horse shit I'd ever heard. We had to do something about her—we didn't have time to hang around and find out what her real intentions were.

If she started targeting me, maybe Hakkai would start listening to what I had to say. He was always super oblivious when it came to making sure he didn't fall into a mess, but if someone was seriously threatening his team mates, he wasn't the type to stand by and hope it just worked out on it's own. He was way too nosey and bossy for that. So I had to hope that, if Jade was going to try to kill me, he was going to get fed up with it really fast and finish her off.

That was all assuming he didn't go completely nuts and decide to_ help_ her kill me.

Running through the woods in the middle of the night was not fun. My sense of direction wasn't great, the moon wasn't as bright as I needed it to be, so I ran into a lot of branches and trees, tripped over logs and roots and shit. My wounds hurt. There was serious pain all through my torso when I breathed. My jaw was aching from where he slapped me, a lot more than I expected it to. I was cold, and I was tired. I wanted a beer, a bed, and a chick to go to bed with.

When I'd been running a while, I started to wonder if I was going the wrong direction. I could have gotten turned around. Or maybe Hakkai had started out going this way and then switched it up. He could be running really fast and I'd never catch up to him anyway.

Goddammit. In ten years I did _not_ want to be wondering where the hell he went and what the hell he did the night he tried to tear my throat out.

I jogged to a stop, reaching up to rub my neck. It was still bleeding a little, but not too bad. I didn't think.

I looked around, listening carefully, but the night was quiet. No sign of Hakkai or Jade, or Jeep even. I felt really alone.

I touched my face, where he'd slapped me. I wasn't expecting him to do that—the fight was over, he knew who I was again, so I wasn't expecting him to hit me. Hakkai had never slapped me like that before, no matter how much I pissed him off. Sure, we'd had our fights over the years, and he'd straight up clocked me at least half a dozen times, just like I'd outright clocked him, but that vicious, little bitch-slap was something else. It was demeaning and undignifying. It made me feel like I was nine all over again.

Coughing, I felt the scrapes in my stomach. They didn't seem very deep.

Either way, he had still tried his best to kill me. It wasn't like the last couple times he took his limiter off. He didn't know who I was at all. Or maybe he didn't care who I was. He _wanted_ to kill me.

Somewhere in the distance, I heard voices. Rising and falling, almost rhytmatically, through the dark. It sounded like a guy and a chick, so that was probably them. Unless some stupid teenagers had come out here to fuck.

That seemed unlikely, so I moved in that direction, gut feeling tense with anxiety. I had to really focus to make sure I was going the right way. Every now and then, the voices would stop and everything would be quiet, and I'd have to stand still until they started up again, and then try my best to follow them. It was frustrating, and I wished for the one millionth time that I were just slightly more adept, because I was getting super tired of everybody around me being some inhuman, machine who could just do whatever they needed to do without any issues.

It took forever, but I found them, eventually. The voices were just ahead of me, through a clump of trees. The closer I got, the more it sounded like…

No. Hakkai wouldn't do that. He wouldn't let that happen. He was still way too hung up on Kanan, and he was way too smart to do _that_ with someone as insane as Jade the Asahara.

It really sounded like it. Heavy breathing. Gasping. Swearing. Moaning. Shouting.

I stopped. _Do I really wanna' walk into this?_

No. Not even slightly. I was _not_ interested in walking in on Hakkai fucking the girl of his nightmares.

_Do I have a choice?_

Well, I could just ignore it, maybe hang around and wait until all the fucking was over. But…that didn't feel quite right. I couldn't imagine Hakkai actually _wanted _to fuck Jade. Then again…I didn't think she'd get very far if she tried to rape him. It had to be at least partially two-sided.

What to do? I didn't have any damn experience with cock-blocking. I'd never cock-blocked anyone in my life, and it had been a long, long time since anyone tried to cock-block me.

In the end, I figured I'd better just do what I came to do, because no matter what he was doing, or if he wanted to or not, he was still running around without his limiters on, so he was still rushing toward the point of no return.

_If he's fucking that psycho, maybe he's already gone past it._

With that thought in my head, I lit a new cigarette, took a deep breath, and kept walking.

Before too long, the voices were loud enough that it seemed like they were right in front of me, so I kept my eyes open. Then I could see them. Ahead of me, a little to my left.

Damn. I did not need to see that shit.

They were really getting down. I mean, it's not like they were just fooling around a little bit, they were standing up against a tree, sexing it up like there was no tomorrow, and it looked like Hakkai had magically gotten his limiters back, so he was probably getting dominated.

But, he looked like he was involved in what was happening, so at least he wasn't getting his ass raped.

Either way, I did not like walking in to it. Not one little bit.

It wasn't even like I could sneak up on them.

Well, to hell with subtly then.

I stepped out of the trees, taking a heavy puff off my cigarette, called out, loudly, "Party's over, kids."

They both fucking stared at me.

Hot damn, it was awkward.

"Gojyo…" Hakkai gasped.

"Hope you got a fucking raincoat, pal, 'cause I do _not_ wanna' be 'Uncle Gojyo' to this bitch's kid."

He studied me a second, and then, he shoved her off.

Jade growled and wiped her mouth—I didn't want to know _what_ she was wiping off her mouth—she turned on me, looking crazier than ever, "You just don't learn your lesson, do you, hanyou?"

"Well, I've always been kinda' a slow learner. _But_ I'm not a sociopath, so I've got that going for me."

She just shook her head at me.

I kept an eye on her, called out to Hakkai again, "Hey, man, let's blow this pop stand, alright? I'm fucking tired, and I think you mighta' given me rabies."

He wasn't moving; he was still just staring at me.

I was getting a little annoyed.

"_Hak-kai."_

"What are you doing here?" He asked, finally, like he just couldn't get his mind around anything else.

"Oh, I'm just out for a goddamn stroll. What do you _think_ I'm doing, dammit? I'm trying to save your fucking ass, but I'm not really sure _why_ I'm still bothering at this point."

Jade laughed suddenly, "I don't understand either. Look at you. You're a mess. And we're doing fine here without your help."

"Look, bitch. I dunno' what you're like—I doubt you've ever had anybody in your whole life you genuinely gave a shit about, so bear with me when I explain this to you—but I am not about to just walk out of here and let you get away with this shit."

"I have no idea what you're talking about. Being such a slut yourself, I didn't expect you to be so narrowminded. At least we're both youkai, at any rate."

That was meant to be a jab at me, obviously, but I ignored it and said, "You got your fucking claws in him all the way up to the second knuckle, and I've about had it."

"Oh? And what are you going to do about it? Judging by the pathetic state you're in, he's not on your side anymore, so eat your jealousy and run along before we kill you."

"_We_?" I snorted.

"Yes." She was prowling toward me, "That's right. We. Me, and your beloved Hakkai."

I glanced at him. "We?"

He was scowling. Oh my God, it was that scary, fucking face that made me want to wet the bed. Fortunately, it wasn't aimed at me, and that was all it took for me to know she was wrong.

"There is absolutely no 'we' here." He answered harshly.

Jade turned back to him, "I thought _we_ were having a lovely time before that freak interrupted us."

He towered over her, and for just a second, I thought he might actually try to kill her. Instead, he just snarled, "I've had enough of your games, Jade. Get away from me. Immediately."

It was his best 'I'm in charge, and I know what's best, and I'll kick your ass if you don't listen' tone, but she didn't even bat an eye.

"Do you need more convincing?" She crooned. "You're welcome to fight me, if you wish, but I don't think you'll do very well if you're in that form. And, if you take your limiters off, you _could_ do something you regret."

Hakkai glanced at me again, his expression drenched in guilt.

I tried to ignore it.

She went on, "But, it's none of my business what you do. Either way, I'm not concerned—I don't think you're going to kill me, darling. I don't think you _want_ to."

I figured she was probably right about all that, and I was tired of waiting for Hakkai to do something about this shit, so I summoned my shakujou and stepped between them, "Yeah, well _I_ wanna' fucking kill you, so how about you play with _me_ for a while?"

She laughed like that was ridiculous, "Hanyou, you're not even worth my time."

"Aw, what? Are you scared?"

Jade smiled, viciously, "Amused, actually. But I must admit, I'm flattered too. To think that you want _me _to be the one to end your worthless life."

"Dream on, bitch."

"Gojyo." Hakkai interrupted, "No."

"Get outta' here, Hakkai. Leave this bitch to me."

He took a second to answer, "She'll kill you."

"Damn, dude. You don't have _any_ faith in me, do you?"

"I can't let you do this."

"What choice do you have? Don't be retarded, Hakkai—you can't keep taking your limiter off and putting it back on like a pair of fucking shoes. Gime' one good reason why I should let you go crazy."

"There's no guarantee that I'll go crazy…and in any case, I can't let you pay for my faults."

It was my turn to laugh. Damn, I felt so angry and tired and tense. I just wanted to rip Jade apart and be done with it. "Now who's stupid, huh, _stupid_? Look what ya' did, Hakkai. Look what you did to _me._"

He was quiet again. I knew I'd cut him to the quick, but hell, he _should_ feel guilty. This was all his fucking fault, and I wasn't used to having to be the one who came along and cleaned up after everybody.

I added, for good measure, "If you lose your mind now, it'll all be for nothing. All the shit I've had to put up with—climbing out of the well and sleeping in the rain and getting _bit_—will all be for _nothing._ Now for the last time, beat it."

He didn't answer for a moment, but I knew he knew I was right. It was just so obvious what had to go down here. At last he asked, voice sort of choked, "Will you be all right?"

"Hell. You know me." I stared Jade down, and she was glaring right back at me, her eyes were full of hate and violence, "I'm good with the ladies."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know. Now get lost. Get as far away from here as you fucking can."

"…I'll wait for you, all right?"

"Fine. Where?"

"There's a town just a few miles from here. Remember, we passed it earlier. I'll wait for you there."

"Whatever. Just go."

It took him a second, but he finally started to back away. I thought he'd say something else. I really expected him to apologize. But he didn't. In another second or two, I heard him running into the distance, and then his footsteps faded away and vanished. I felt a horrible sense of loneliness and isolation fall over me. I'd never had Hakkai run out on me before, whether I told him to or not. Any time I'd ever told him to go, for his own good or whatever, he always argued with me and stayed. I guess this time he couldn't do that, because he knew how right I was. We just couldn't risk him taking his limiter off again.

Jade was still standing there, glaring at me like _I_ was the asshole.

"There." I drawled, when I knew Hakkai was gone. I took a drag off my cigarette. "Just me and you, babe."

"You look as if you're in quite a bit of pain."

"Well, _you_ look like you're post-coitus, so I wouldn't be too excited to fight, if I were you."

"Then, if this is _really _what you want...consider it your last request." She spread her claws, moved into a fighting stance.

I stayed still, grip on my shakujou tighter than ever. I remembered what it was like to fight her; I wished I could say it wasn't a big deal, but then again, it was nothing compared to dealing with Ryptcore. Hopefully Goku and Sanzo hadn't had to fight him again yet. Maybe if I got Jade out of the way, Hakkai and me could go find them, and then things would be manageable at least.

That was a lot to have riding on me, and now that she mentioned it, I _was_ in a lot of pain.

We circled around each other; I watched her carefully, never knowing when she might spring, clutching my weapon as tightly as I dared. I was suddenly nervous, and I didn't really know why. This was just another fight. She was just another crazy chick.

Jade kept her eyes leveled on me, laughing, she licked her lips, and I saw that there was still blood on them, "So, my little mutt, what do you think you can achieve by going head-to-head with me again? You don't actually believe you can keep me away from him, do you?"

"I warned you to stop fucking with him, and you can't take it back now."

She moved in closer, still laughing at me, "He clawed you pretty bad, didn't he? Your good, good friend? How does that make you feel?"

"Shut up."

"Why can't you just admit it? You've lost him. That's just the way it is. Can't you just accept that maybe he's better off this way? Maybe he's _happier_?"

"You don't know him." I snorted. "Not the way I do."

"Perhaps not, but I do understand him in a way that you can't, because he's one of my kind—a fellow youkai—and you're nothing but a worthless hanyou."

"Whatever." I spat out a wad of blood, "You think you get Hakkai, but there's no way you do. He's nothing like you."

"You can't protect him from himself, you know." She smiled brutally, "And, in time, he won't be able to protect _you_ from _me_."

"Yeah, well that's cool, 'cause we don't need to protect each other."

"You think not? Poor, naïve, little mutt—don't you see? You're in my way. As long as you're alive, I know he'll never listen to me. Even while he's consumed by the darkest part of himself, he always hears your voice, calling him back to the light; however, I know what he sees when he looks into my eyes, what he _feels_ when we touch. Do you honestly believe he'd choose you over _her_? You'd have to be a fool to think that."

I didn't know what Hakkai would do with that choice. I had to assume he'd choose Kanan over me in a heartbeat, but that wasn't even important now, because he'd never have to make that choice.

It was my turn to laugh. "For real?"

"You find that _funny_?"

"Yeah, I do, because you have no idea what you're talking about."

Her eyes began to shine, "Oh?"

"For one thing, bitch, I know he'd take her over me in a split second, and that's okay; the thing you're not getting is that _you're_ not _her_." I took a slash at her.

Jade danced back, gracefully, laughing again, "Whatever you need to believe in order to sleep at night, hanyou."

"You'll find out. Believe me, Hakkai's _not_ the dude you wanna' hook up with. _Lot's _of baggage."

"Thanks for the advice."

"Any time, babe." I whipped my chain at her. It flew through the air, she darted out of the way, and the sickle stuck in a tree.

Jade took the opportunity to attack me, came at me with her claws ready.

I jerked the sickle loose and ducked to the side, spun and tried to slash her again.

There was a steely ring as the shaft of my weapon struck her claws. She gripped the shaft and dragged me closer. I kicked her back, and she flew a few yards, did a tidy, little flip, landing on her feet, and ran at me. I charged her, clotheslined her, throwing her over my shoulder, and then slid to a halt.

She was up again, in a flash, swinging and swinging at me. I blocked every attack, but I didn't feel too smug about it; judging by the smile on her face, she was playing with me right now, and that pissed me off. I brought the blade end down over my head, sort of hoping I'd get really lucky and slice her in half.

She caught it, kneed me in the stomach.

Pain shot through me as she rattled my busted ribs and bruised the claw marks Hakkai had left me. I coughed and felt a wad of blood work its way up my throat, spat it out and took a swing at her. My knuckles hit her in the center of the face, knocking her back.

Jade caught a low-hanging branch above her. With one arm, she hauled herself up, stood up there a moment, hair flying, looking down at me with disgust and hate.

I threw my sickle at her again, trying to take her legs off, or at least cut down the branch. Watching her fall all over would be better than nothing.

At the last second, she jumped down. The sickle flew past her as she twisted around in the air, gracefully and serenely. Her full weight hit me on the shoulders, crushing me to the ground.

That hurt even worse, but I had to focus. I kicked her off and sprang up, did a one-eighty swipe with my shakujou.

It flashed past her face, and I saw a thin, red line appear on her cheek, but she was still too fast.

I didn't want to think about how strong she was, really. I knew she'd fought Ryptcore _and_ Goku alongside Hakkai, so she had to be pretty tough, but I hated to think that I might be in over my head.

Even then, it probably wouldn't be such a big deal if I wasn't kinda' beat up already. Earlier, I'd thought that my injuries weren't so bad, but now I was realizing that they were just enough to slow me down. In this fight, getting slowed down by _anything_ could be seriously fatal.

Jade jumped up and flew forward, kneed me right in the face, knocking my teeth loose. I groped around, caught a handful of her hair and swung her around, right into the trunk of a tree. Immediately after that, I sent the sickle after her, aiming for her neck. She dove out of the way, just in time, and again, the sickle was jammed into the bark of a tree. Jade grabbed the chain and yanked me toward her. I used the momentum to my advantage and kicked her as hard as I could in the stomach, and while she was reeling back, I pulled the sickle loose. I swung at her legs. She hopped over the blade like it was nothing, rushed me with a snarl.

Her claws graze my ear.

I crammed my fist into her gut.

Coughing and wheezing, she doubled over.

I beat her down with a single strike to the back of her neck, and she hit the ground like a load of bricks, rolled out of the way a split second before I managed to decapitate her. She caught me by the wrist, twisted my arm until I thought it would pop out of place. I lost my hold on the shakujou, and it vanished.

Screaming in frustration, I kicked her in the knee. She was on the ground again, but only for a second.

I swung at her, fist upon fist, but I kept missing. Damn, I was feeling really tired. I guess loosing all that blood was making me sluggish.

She kicked me in the ribs again.

This time when I screamed, it was out of pure agony. At this rate, my ribs were _never_ going to fucking heal.

"You bitch!" I put my left jab directly in her eye.

Her head snapped back. Jade twirled around, kicked me in the side of the head.

I saw stars and lost my vision, spent a few seconds stumbling around, trying to find something to hold on to. While I was doing that, she uppercut my chin, launching me into the air. I landed on my back, wind knocked out of me, snapped back up just before she landed right where my chest had been.

I kicked her in the back, dove after her and slammed my elbow into the side of her head. She staggered right, and then left. When she whirled around, grabbing at my clothes or my hair or my face, or whatever, she missed. I hit her in the face again.

She landed heavily, writhing and shouting.

I thought maybe she was down for the count. I moved in for the kill.

Jade shot straight up, hitting me right in the sternum with her shoulder.

Screaming, I lurched back, holding my torso. It hurt so much, I felt like someone was cutting me in half with a hacksaw.

Maybe that last attack of mine really made her mad, because she was suddenly taking full advantage of my injuries. She belted me in the gut while I was hunched over, didn't even give me a second to register the pain before she threw me over her leg, and I landed face down in the dirt. She kicked me in the ribs, and I rolled, shouting out of pain and frustration.

When I got a second to get up again, it took me a little longer, and I had the horrible feeling that I was losing.

So what should I do? I had to think of some way to save my skin. Hakkai was way gone by now. I didn't think I could kill Jade all by myself when I was hurt. I had to focus on surviving and getting the hell out of here.

Not that I was gonna' run away. Not in a million years. I might have to switch strategies though.

Jade flew at me again, headbutting me in the mouth so hard, my lip busted open.

When I tried to punch her again, she caught my arm, kicked me in the stomach again—twice as hard as before—then threw me over her shoulder.

I managed to land on my feet and keep my balance, but the pain in my torso was like a raging inferno—it was relentless and hot and unbearable.

I got one more good strike in, when she approached to attack again. I ducked, a little clumsily this time, jumped back behind her, and kicked her in the back of the head.

Jade recovered fast and came back at me.

She kicked me three times. Once in the forehead, again in the stomach, and one final time, square in the chest. It hurt so much, I couldn't even find the strength to scream, but I was seeing what a seriously bad idea this was. I'd done better against Chang and Gang the other day. Was she really _that_ much stronger than them?

No. My injuries were just dragging me down. Besides, I was alone this time. There was no Goku or Hakkai or Sanzo to take my place when I needed a breather.

_I don't need them._

I just needed to figure something out, before I got myself killed.

Jade hit me in the head, hard, and I slammed against the ground with an oomph; my ribs hurt so bad, I barely bit back a scream, but then she was sitting on me anyway, straddling me, and that hurt too. I felt her long claws against my throat, digging in lightly.

Her face hovered close to mine, and she hissed at me, breath feathering over my face, "I told you you'd never win. It was a brave effort, Gojyo-kun, but it was a waste of your energy, and the Asahara is not famous for giving second chances." I barely listened. At the time, all I could think about was how different her eyes looked from Hakkai's. They were just as green, but there wasn't so much as a dash of compassion or humility or feeling in them at all.

"You deserve to die for your insolence."

I didn't know if she was actually going to kill me or not, but I was exhausted, and I wasn't sure I could fight with her anymore, and while I was lying there with her on top of me, something kicked in. Wildness or instinct or the desperation to survive, or maybe just outright horniness. Whatever it was, my basest thoughts came rushing to the surface, and my body reacted.

I reached up and grabbed her viciously by the head, pulling her face down to mine and kissing her aggressively.

It must have shocked the hell out of her, because the grip she'd been holding on my neck went totally lax, and her body jerked; after a second though, I felt her give in, relaxing into my lips, and then she was kissing me back.

I let her go, and she sat up; there was this terrible smile on her face as she looked down at me, "So…that's how you want to play, is it?"

I didn't dare say a word. I was thinking, thinking, thinking. I had to get out of this somehow. I had to get out of this in a way that wouldn't land me dead. I had to get back to Hakkai. I wasn't sure how to make any of that happen, but at the moment, improvising seemed like my only option.

Jade came down on me, twice as viciously as I'd kissed her. Her lips seemed cold and her mouth was brutal. I felt her fangs pulling at my lips, her tongue forcing its way into my mouth. Her spit tasted like blood and cum, which was pretty disgusting, considering that it was definitely my blood and Hakkai's cum. It grossed me out so much, I started to shove her off.

She braced herself against me, pinning my shoulders down, claws digging in until they drew blood. She bit my lip until it was bleeding too. I couldn't help moaning.

Jade fell over my neck. At first, she was gentle, mouth brushing lightly over my skin, nuzzling at my adam's apple and my jugular. She the sound of her soft kisses made me feel kind of hard, proving once and for all that I was perfectly willing to fuck any chick that came my way, as long as she had a pulse. Maybe even if she didn't. I mean, who knew? Jade was such a bitch, she might not even have a heart.

Her tongue glided up my throat. She sucked at my skin, hard, drawing a wince out of me.

I grabbed her ass and slid my hands down the backs of her thighs, and then up her back, around her neck, fingers twining through her long, black hair and scraping over her scalp.

For the second time that night, she bit me. I felt those fangs pierce my flesh, gasped out loud; I felt the blood running down my neck all over again, down to my collarbone, and she chased it with her tongue, lapping it up, sucking at the wound she'd made. I tightened my grip on her, threw her to the side suddenly and slammed her onto the ground, rolling on top of her all in the same, undisturbed motion. She stayed hooked to my neck the whole time somehow. I knew I was bleeding pretty bad, but I didn't have time to care.

Her teeth sank in another two times or something. She shelled my coat off me, pulled back the collar of my shirt to bite my collarbone and then my shoulder, leaving bruises and bloody marks I couldn't be bothered with. I slammed her down hard, gripping her slim, white wrists in my hands, cinching them so tightly she moaned and tried to break free, but by then, I was locking my mouth against hers again, kissing her harder and with more aggression than I'd ever kissed anyone in my life. By the time I was through with her, both our faces were smeared with red, and Jade looked almost dazed with sick pleasure. The blood was rolling off my shoulder and staining her clothes.

"Let's…stop this irritating little game…" She panted. "Are you going to fuck me? Or are you not man enough?"

"I'm gonna' fuck you like you've never been fucked in your life, you deranged bitch."

"Good. I'm very interested in seeing which one of you is better."

"Heads up. I've got more experience than he does." I locked her wrists above her head with one hand while the other slid under her shirt, up over her stomach to her breasts, but I was feeling anything but gentle, and what I really wanted was to hurt her. I groped her hard and pinched her until she was moaning and gasping and straining against my grip, practically begging me to stop.

When I let go of her wrists, her arms locked around my head, dragging me into another kiss, and I grabbed her crotch. Jade spread her legs, rubbing her ankle down my thigh. I practically tore the bra off of her, and it didn't take her anything to shred my shirt from top to bottom, and then I undid her pants. She wasn't wearing panties, and I wasn't even slightly surprised.

I don't know how much time passed with us lying in the middle of nowhere, half naked, kissing and biting and groping the hell out of each other. It didn't seem very long before we were both clawed and bruised and chewed. She tried to grab my dick a couple times, but there was no way I was letting that happen. Not with how insanely sadistic she was. I didn't want her razor-sharp mouth anywhere near it either. Regardless, I wound up inside of her, eventually, and I felt the satisfaction of having her writhing, half-naked, beneath me, panting and gasping and moaning, screaming sometimes. She bit my shoulder again and again, which started to get pretty excruciating after a while, and she drank my blood like it was wine. Her claws tore across my back over and over, until it was bleeding like crazy too. I returned the favor as much as I could, biting her and yanking her hair and fucking her as hard as I possibly could, but the longer this thing dragged on, the more I couldn't help but notice that Jade was just a million times sharper than I was. Every part of her was deadly. In fact, I was surprised her vagina didn't find some way to chew my dick off.

Fun as all this fucking was, I still had to find some way to get out of here. I wondered if she'd still be bent on killing me when I was done with her. Somehow I doubted being technically considered her lover was going to save me from her ravenous desire for murder.

Anyway, at least I hadn't lost my touch. It had been a long time since I'd gotten this kinky with a chick, and even longer since I'd fucked a youkai woman. By the time I had her screaming in ecstasy, I was feeling pretty proud of myself. I got this bitch off, in spite of the fact that I hated her guts and she'd fucked my best friend in every possible way and I really, really, really wanted to kill her.

_Gojyo's the goddamn king._

When it was over, her hair was disheveled and her face was damp. She was breathing hard, and so was I. My ribs hurt and I felt even more exhausted, but at least I was still alive.

"You little slut." She crooned, tucked some hair behind my ear, delicately almost, but then her fingers slid down the side of my face, scraping the scars on my cheek just enough to hurt.

Out of reaction, I back-handed her. Her nose started gushing blood.

With an inhuman snarl, Jade caught a handful of my hair, threw me onto my back as easily as I'd thrown her, and, just like that, she was on top again, lips just a hair's breadth from mine. Her breath was hot. I was engulfed by the smell of her sweat, blood and sex. "Oh-ho. You didn't like that, did you?"

"What gave you that idea?"

She busted my lip without a thought. Her other hand grabbed my cock, viciously, causing me way more pain than pleasure. Jade sucked the blood from my mouth and spent a few tense moments jacking me off.

Around the time I was starting to breathe sort of raggedly and gasp pathetically, she said, "Oh, Gojyo. This is so stupid. You know…I've been holding out on you."

My body was shuddering from the pleasure, "Wh-what do you-"

Her long nails dug into me, just enough to have me jerking out of fear and pain. This was exactly why I hadn't wanted her touching me _there_.

"Okay, that's enough of this." I tried to pry her off and sit up.

Jade crammed me back down against the ground so quick and so easy, I was sort of stunned for about ten seconds.

She spoke quietly, but her voice was anything but tender. It was cold and emotionless as a sheet of steel. "I mean. I'm much, much stronger than you are."

She let go of my dick—I was so grateful I wasn't even going to worry about the fact that she'd totally blue-balled me—before I could even think about it, she had my wrists pinned above my head, the exact same way I'd had her earlier.

My heart started to hammer a little. Yeah. I could see it in her icy-cold stare. Blue balls was about to be the very least of my worries.

Then she cupped my scarred cheek in one hand. Her fingertips traced my scars again, very, very lightly.

"Don't." I growled.

Her claws tore through my skin like it was cheese. Pain lanced across my cheek, and I felt hot blood start running immediately, down to my neck and my chin, my jaw and my ear, up to my hairline, over to my eye. Everywhere.

I screamed so loud it made my lungs burn. Not because it hurt so much, really. I mean, I got the feeling the wound she'd carved into me was a little deeper than what Mom did ten years ago, but it wasn't painful. Familiar more than anything. But it was probably the cruelest thing anyone had ever done to me in my entire life.

I bucked against her, desperate to throw her off, fighting to wrench free, but it didn't take me long to understand what she'd meant by being much stronger than me. That was an understatement, considering I couldn't budge her at all, and that she suddenly had me pinned so well, I could barely move. I wasn't even sure how she did that.

"You bitch!" I screamed.

She didn't answer, but I was inside of her again, and this time, I definitely didn't want to be. She rode me a while, but it was just as sadistic and heartless as everything else she did, and from the look on her face, she wasn't even getting off on it. No. She was just enjoying the fact that she had me where she wanted me, because I hated her so much, and now she was all over me.

I closed my eyes and she bit my mouth again, tearing my lips open even more fiercely than before.

Jade leaned close to my ear, "You should really consider how lucky you are."

"Lucky?" I panted. "How in the fuck am I lucky?"

"Well, for one thing, I don't have anything to sodomize you with at the moment, or you can bet that would be next."

"You're sick!" I made another meaningless attempt at pushing her off.

Her claws tore into my wrists, and they started to bleed too.

She kissed me, way too gently for the circumstances, and then she started to lick the blood up from the fresh cuts on my face. Her tongue ran from my jaw to my eye, then it slithered into my ear.

I held my breath. This had to be over soon. It just had to be.

What bullshit. I felt like I was getting raped, even though I was the idiot who started this.

"You picked the wrong game to play." She whispered.

And she couldn't be more right.

Her free hand slid down my shoulder, over my bare chest, caressing my nipple momentarily.

"I have to admit, you are handsome for being a filthy, little dog. I'm not even remotely disappointed you decided to fuck me, even if I think it does hint at how deeply psychologically disturbed and sexually maladjusted you are. And I'll give you one thing, you are good. I haven't had satisfaction like this in years. My poor mate had such a weak libido."

Maybe that was just because his girl was completely _insane_ in and out of bed. I mean, nothing could kill a dude's libido like being married to a poisonous twat.

"Glad you're enjoying it." I spat.

Her hand was at my stomach now, brushing over me, back and forth, lightly. She was still riding me, but neither of us were anywhere close to climaxing now. In her eyes I saw that she hated me almost as much as I hated her, and neither of us could even hope to get pleasure out of this situation now.

Or so I thought.

Pain came on so suddenly and inexplicable, for a second, I couldn't figure out what it was. I thought it was an itch in my side, maybe. Then my vision started going slightly red. My stomach turned cold, like I'd drank a bucket of ice water.

I choked, sputtered. My voice gasped a little, the gasp becoming a vague whimper, which transformed immediately into a ragged scream. I tasted blood at the back of my throat, and I felt it run down my side and stomach, to my navel and the hem of my pants as her claws slashed through me from hip to hip.

"There."

She raised her hand. It was dripping, the same color as my hair. She licked a little off the back of her knuckles, like a cat, and then she forced her first two fingers in my mouth, "You taste delicious."

I bit her as hard as I could.

Jade screamed and tried to wrench away, but I kept my jaw clamped down.

Her other hand tore through me again, this time from my chest to my groin, and I felt more hot blood running over me, but I didn't let go.

Finally, she grabbed my dick again, twisted.

That hurt enough that I wound up screaming again, and she ripped her fingers away from my mouth. They were all torn open and bleeding, my blood mixing with hers.

Jade got up off me.

I scrambled up too, feeling weak and dizzy. I had my shakujou in hand without even thinking about it.

She ducked under my pathetic excuse for an attack, rushed me, grabbed the front of my jacket, slammed me hard into a tree. One last time, we were pressed together like that, nose to nose, staring hatefully into one another's eyes.

"Next time." She nuzzled my jaw, softly, "I suggest you pick a game you can win."

Hot pain tore across my upper thigh as she ripped into my flesh there as well, and then she took a step back.

I slumped against the tree, grip on my weapon weak, breathing so hard I thought my lungs might collapse.

She scoffed, "You're just a stupid, little boy, Gojyo. Don't you forget that."

Angrily, I took a slash at her.

She wasn't expecting it, and the fixed blade actually cut into her, but my aim was off, probably because I was seeing double. Either way, there was a splash of blood, and then her face went from smug to shocked, to angry, all in a single face. "You little bastard! My ear!"

Jade hauled back and struck again. I felt her claws go through me like cold, steel knives. More blood started to gush, hotter than the sun. I fell to the ground, losing consciousness quickly.

The night sky shimmered above me, and I stared up at it, drowsily. My weapon was gone. I must have dropped it. I didn't know how long I'd been there. Days and days of lying under that dark blue sky, listening as the birds started sing around me while the forest came alive. I was in so much pain it barely registered. I couldn't figure out what hurt where and which wound was leaking which blood. I think my face hurt worse than anything else.

Someone stood over me. A dark-haired woman. She was naked and bloody, like some incredible goddess of war. "There." She said. Her voice was muffled. It sounded like she was miles away, "Maybe now you won't get in my way anymore. I know your precious Hakkai has the power to heal you, so I don't doubt I'll see you again, but I hope you learned something from this encounter."

What was she talking about?

_Whatever. I so don't care._ I closed my eyes.

She laughed and kicked me. "Sleep well, my handsome, little slut."

When I opened my eyes again, she was gone and the sky was turning bluish-gray.

I was dying, and there was only one person in the world that could save me.

Just my luck, I'd told him to get as far away as possible.

_Doesn't matter… I'll find him and kick his ass for this… I'll get up in a sec… Just a sec._


	22. Chapter 22

**I really like this one, for some reason. It's sort of refreshing to write Goku, because he's so simple and high-spirited all the time, but I feel like I don't keep him in character quite as well as I do the others.  
Maybe I'm wrong?**

Enjoy

* * *

**Goku**

"This place looks pretty dead." I decided, trotting down the street after Sanzo. He was walking real fast, for some reason. We were at such a dead end, I didn't get what the hurry was. Maybe he was nervous. He kinda' seemed like it. Lei was hurrying after me. I felt bad for her, having to run around after us. I thought about what happened in the other town, where we fought the psycho soldiers. Those guys were crazy. It was like they didn't feel nothin', like pain or fear or anything. They just attacked, and then, no matter how hard I fought, I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere. Knock one down, and then there was another one in my way. I had been scared for Lei. I thought they were gonna' kill her, and I couldn't let that happen. I don't know why. I just couldn't. It wasn't right, especially after all the other half-breeds got killed. Maybe in the end, I was just that I kept thinking about Gojyo. I was real worried about him and Hakkai now. I really thought they'd come last night. Sanzo acted like that was stupid and ridiculous, but I had been super sure that they'd show up and we'd all be together again.

Was it even possible that maybe the four of us would never be together again?

And what if they had to fight the DethBreed. Would they be okay? Me and Sanzo barely made it outta' there, just 'cause he had the Makai Tenjyo. Hakkai and Gojyo didn't have a nifty sutra that could take out fifty people at once like that.

Would they be able to fight their way out? I wished I could help them somehow.

Still. Maybe they wouldn't have to fight the DethBreed at all. They had other stuff they had to deal with, like whether or not Hakkai went crazy that night.

I wondered… If Hakkai _did_ go crazy, would Gojyo have come back by now? I still didn't think Hakkai would kill him, even if he went crazy. I just didn't think it was possible. But would he give up on Hakkai and come back to us, or would he keep chasing after him, trying to find some way to help him?

I was pretty sure Gojyo wouldn't just give up on Hakkai, no matter how crazy he got, so that meant, if he wasn't here now, they had to be together. Had to. It just couldn't be any other way. An' as long as they were together, they had to be okay.

In the meantime, I had to stick with Sanzo. Ryptcore definitely wanted him dead—if he came for us, I knew he'd try to kill me too, but Sanzo was his goal—and that meant I couldn't let him outta' my sight. He could protect himself really good, I knew that, but…just in case somethin' went wrong, I had to be around. I couldn't let him think I'd walk out on him next.

I had to look after Lei too. It wasn't right that her whole town got wiped out, and it was sad that she couldn't find Deshi—she was doing everything she could to get him back—and I felt like it was my job, for some reason, to make sure nothin' happened to her until she got to go home.

That's why I jumped in the way. Normally, in a fight, I knew the best thing to do was take care of myself, but I was used to fighting with the guys, and they were all taking care of themselves too. Lei wasn't super tough like we were, she needed somebody to watch her back, didn't she?

"Just focus and stay close." Sanzo grumbled.

I glanced up and down the street, but I didn't see anybody suspicious or dangerous or scary. There were just normal villagers here, like there were when we stopped to eat lunch earlier. Humans who were going through their lives like normal. Not that there were a lotta' them. It seemed like there were even fewer than there'd been earlier, so maybe they were all stayin' inside.

With Ryptcore and his crazy guys around, I'd definitely be staying inside too.

The few people who were out and about, stood on the sides of the road in tiny groups, watching us pass like we were gonna' suddenly go nuts and attack. They whispered and pointed.

"What's with 'em?"

Sanzo took a moment to answer. "When we were here last time, it seemed like everyone was evacuating."

"'Cause of what happened in those other two towns?"

"Probably. I doubt they're very open to having visitors right now, so just leave them alone."

My stomach growled, and I frowned. On top of everything that was going on, I wasn't getting enough food, 'cause we couldn't carry it all and whatever. "Hey, Sanzo, I'm hungry again."

He sighed.

"Are we gonna' eat soon?"

"We have to find an inn first."

"'Kay." I tried not to sound sad, but I was feeling bummed. My arm hurt a little, and I missed the guys.

I checked around to make sure they weren't nearby after all.

I was so sure they'd come last night. Why was I so sure?

It just wasn't like 'em to abandon us, I didn't think. I wanted to ask Sanzo about it, but I knew he didn't want to talk about them. He wanted to pretend they'd never been with us in the first place, I think. That's how he was acting.

To me, it wasn't fair to think that about them. When had they ever let us down before? They always did what Sanzo wanted—went and got stuff for him and hunted people down—they even came on this trip with us, even though they didn't have to. They'd come back. They had to.

On the edge of town, we found an inn that was sort of on a hill, and Sanzo said it would be as good a place as any; since it was on high ground, maybe we'd be able to see the DethBreed coming.

The sun was setting when we checked in, and I felt better when we were inside. It was a hard day. Fighting those guys had been tough, and I was tired and hungry.

First, we ate. Nobody said anything during dinner, and Lei didn't eat very much, 'cause she didn't have much money. I wondered if Sanzo would help her out, but he didn't offer, and I didn't know if I should either.

When eating was over, we went up to our room. Lei re-did the bandages on my arm, then she went into her own room.

Sanzo and me sat up a while.

"How long're we gonna' stay here?" I asked, glancing around the room. It seemed really boring and empty without Hakkai and Gojyo around. Normally Sanzo and Hakkai would talk about which way they wanted to go next, and me and Gojyo would play cards or fight or somethin'. All the quiet made me bored and sorta' nervous. Jeep wasn't even around for me to play with.

"Two days." Sanzo decided with a puff of smoke. "Hopefully your arm will be feeling better by then. It will give Ryptcore an opportunity to make a move, and maybe that girl will decide to leave us alone by then. In two days, we'll move on."

"Yeah, but what about what Kougaiji said, about getting' stuck out in the middle of nowhere? Don't'cha think Ryptcore will try an' surround us?"

"I have no idea what that freak is going to do, but I refuse to put the mission on hold any longer than I have to just because an enemy _might_ attack us. If Kougaiji doesn't want to come, no one's making him."

It was weird that he'd decided to come back here in the first place. I wondered what his real reason for it was, but I didn't think I should ask.

Instead, I tried to get him to play cards or mahjong with me, but he didn't seem interested at all. He just wanted to sit there and smoke and look out the window. Before too long, he just went to bed.

I wasn't tired, but I didn't have anything to do, so I went to bed too, laid awake a long, long time, thinking about everything and wishing that my friends would show up, hoping they were okay, somehow.

The next morning, my arm was stiff, so I went out pretty early, into the alley where I wouldn't bother anyone, and did a little sparring practice. At first, my arm just hurt from using it so much, but after a little bit, it got better, and I went back inside to see if Sanzo was up.

All three of us had breakfast at the inn, and then we hung around there for the first half of the day, but later, in the afternoon, Sanzo told me we were going out to take a look around, and I followed him into the street. Lei came with us, maybe 'cause she didn't wanna' be by herself, or maybe 'cause she thought she might run into Deshi.

We were quiet a while. Sanzo led the way, calmly, smoking and not saying a word to anybody we passed, but I could tell he was alert, like he was actually looking for something important.

"What're we watchin' for?" I asked after a while, "The guys?"

"Of course not." He growled. "I already told you, there's no way they're here, so put them out of your mind."

That seemed like it would be really hard. We'd been traveling together for over a year—I was so used to them being around—how could I just forget about them?

"If we ain't lookin' for the guys, then what're we doin'?"

"Checking for signs of Ryptcore—he didn't attack last night, so I assume he will some time today. We need to stay vigilant."

I guess he really wasn't expecting the guys to show up…

And what made him so sure they weren't here anyway? Was it completely impossible? Maybe I just didn't get it.

No way. It made sense to me—I mean, it's not like they were here, one-hundred percent, definitely, but it wasn't like it was really stupid to think that they could be. I thought we should at least be keeping our eyes peeled for them, in case they did show up, eventually.

"Maybe…" I started, real quiet, hoping he wouldn't get too mad at me, "Maybe…they'll wind up in this town too, Sanzo."

He didn't answer at first. He probably didn't want to talk about it, like I thought. His voice was dark when he finally said, "Why would you expect something stupid like that?"

"'Cause, think about it. If Gojyo found Hakkai, an' he's okay, they'd start heading west again—"

"You're awfully optimistic."

"But they'd be behind us, a little, don'tcha' think? Maybe not a lot—not even a whole day, maybe—so now that we had ta' come back here, maybe we'll be in the same town at the same time."

"Don't be ridiculous."

I stared hard into an alley as I was passing it, thinking I'd see some insane soldiers come outta' the shadows, but I didn't even see a cat going through the trash. Today the town was really, really quiet.

Was it really ridiculous to think they'd come back? I didn't think it was.

What was Sanzo thinking anyway? It's like we didn't know the same two guys, or something.

Lei said, "The two of them are your friends, aren't they?"

I dunno' who she was talking to, so I didn't say anything at first.

Sanzo snorted, "Those guys aren't my friends."

I smiled at her, sadly, "Yeah… They are."

He just snorted again.

She glanced from him to me, then at him again, and back to me, like she didn't know who to believe, then she said, slowly, "Well, if they are your friends. Why shouldn't they come looking for you? Gojyo talked like the four of you are kind of close."

Surprised, I looked up at her, "He did? When?"

"A couple different times." She blinked at me, like the question was strange, "When we were walking. Even before that, I think, when we spent some time together in my old village. But, I got that impression from you and from Hakkai-san as well. I mean, even if none of you said a word, just watching the way you act together, I would think the four of you are close."

I started to tell her we were, but Sanzo cut me off, "Don't lump me in with them. Those two might be close. All three of _them_ are close, if you want to put it that way. But I'm not close with those bastards, and that's final."

Me and Sanzo were close though. He could deny that out loud if he wanted, even though I didn't think he would, and I knew it would be a lie. We'd lived together at the temple for all those years—sometimes it felt like forever—and we'd gotten to know each other. There was just no way he didn't think we were as close as I felt like we were.

Lei stared at him a while, and then she gave me a confused look.

I shrugged.

Sanzo kept walking.

She whispered, "Doesn't he _want_ them to come back?"

"Uh, yeah. I think so." Sanzo probably wanted the guys to come back more than anybody else did. Even if it was just for the mission.

"Well, why is he so dead-set against the idea?"

"I dunno', really. I think he's just super pissed off that they left in the first place."

That was the only thing that made sense to me.

"You seem to think they'll come back, Goku-kun."

I thought about the way she was talking to me for a sec. She seemed nicer than before. I remembered that she said we could be friends now. But…I still wondered what happened to all her friends that night, when Hakkai and me fought Ryptcore. I still didn't know if he killed them, or if I did.

Guiltily, I looked away from her. I really hoped it wasn't me. I didn't want it to be Hakkai either, I guess, but…I didn't want it to be me. At all. Somehow…it would be nice if it could be neither of us. Like if Ryptcore did it. Could I just tell myself Ryptcore did it?

"They will." I answered.

"You sound very sure."

I glanced at Sanzo, but he was a little ahead of us, and he wasn't paying attention to what we were saying. He was probably ignoring us on purpose. I lowered my voice anyway, "I know the guys, an' they didn't leave us 'cause they wanted to. They wouldn't just ditch us."

As soon as I said that, I wondered if I could be wrong about it. Like maybe I was the only one of us who thought we were that good of friends.

When we all lived in Chang'an, Sanzo and I lived in the temple, with the snooty monks, who all hated my existence, and Hakkai and Gojyo lived like an hour away, in their dumpy, little town. We didn't see them every day. We saw them a lot though. Every two weeks, maybe. No, more than that. Sanzo sent them to do things, but even if he didn't, they'd show up at the temple and hang out with us for a while. Hakkai came and saw me a lot, and he taught me things. Sometimes, we even went down and saw them. Sanzo always had some reason, or at least, he said he had a reason, but there had been times when it didn't seem like an official reason to me. Sometimes, it seemed like we were just there to be there, even if it wasn't a very Sanzo-ish thing to do.

For three years it was like that. I didn't know much about having friends, but I figured, seeing everybody that often, for that long, and going through things like we did, that had to mean we were pretty good friends.

I'd never ditch Sanzo, and I'd never ditch the guys either. I knew Sanzo wouldn't ditch me, just like Hakkai wouldn't ditch on Gojyo, and Gojyo wouldn't ditch on Hakkai. I didn't think that was just a them thing, or just an us thing. I liked to think that none of us would ever ditch each other, really, and never come back.

"I think you're right." Lei interrupted my thoughts.

She was smiling at me.

"You do?"

"Yes, of course. Like I said, the four of you seem like you're close, and if you think they're going to come back, I think you probably know what you're talking about."

I was quiet. It was sorta' weird, havin' somebody who thought I knew what I was talking about. It was also sorta' weird that she was being so nice to me now, when I thought she hated me.

Was it 'cause of what I did? I rubbed my arm. She bandaged it up too. That was a nice thing to do.

Suddenly, I smiled back at her. I couldn't think of a good thing to say, but I was grateful. I was grateful that she thought the guys were coming back, and I was grateful she'd bandaged my arm, and I was glad she was with us. She was sorta' a sweet girl.

"Hu, our village elder, used to talk to us all about having faith." She went on.

"The elder?" If he was the elder in her village, I guess that meant he was dead now—I didn't remember any old guys walking with us through the mountains. I wondered if she missed him.

"He always told us that we had to believe good things would happen, and we couldn't fall into despair. He said the world is full of despair, and the only way to fight it is to have some hope.

"Many people in my village didn't believe in the goodness of people-they didn't like humans, and they didn't like youkai—but Hu believed in the goodness of people, and he taught us to believe in our goodness as a community, and as a family."

"Like, even if ev'rything outside's really bad an' crappy, you guys were all takin' care of each other?"

"Exactly. That's important, you know, when you're with people. You want to be able to trust them, and you have to be willing to believe that they're really on your side."

My friends and I were like that, weren't we? Everything else was so shitty, with the minus wave, and the assassins and the mission, but we always relied on each other. Hakkai and Gojyo were always laughing and smiling. I knew I was too. They weren't scared, and I wasn't neither. Sanzo wasn't scared, even if he wasn't laughing and smiling.

I dunno' if any of us were 'good' people. I didn't know if _I _was a good person. But compared to everything we had to face all the time…I believed I had something good. Something almost like a family.

"You have to keep believing they'll come back." Lei told me, gently.

"And then they will?"

I'd believe as hard as I had to, if it would bring the guys back.

"Well…it's not like the act of believing will change anything. The point is, you just can't give up on them. If you do, you'll just be bitter and angry…and sad."

I didn't want to be any of those things.

Something about what she said, or maybe the way she said it, made me think of Hakkai. I didn't really know why. She kinda' looked like Gojyo, and she almost talked like Hakkai.

_I really miss them_.

I wanted them to come up behind me. I wanted Gojyo to put his arm around my neck, and Hakkai to smile at me and ask me how I was and treat me nice.

Not that I was tired of being around Sanzo, but I wanted all of us to be together.

Suddenly, an idea hit me.

"I bet they're in this town." I said loudly.

She raised her eyebrow at me, like maybe I'd surprised her. "Maybe they are. They could be."

"Yeah! If we go an' ask around for 'em, maybe we'll find 'em!"

Lei giggled a little, "Okay."

Grinning, I dashed off to the nearest, little group of people. As long as I kept Sanzo in sight, it wouldn't be a big deal. I wasn't going to leave him behind, just talk to some people.

The people I raced up to looked startled and nervous, but I barely noticed. I asked them about the guys. They talked to each other for a sec, and then shook their heads.

I didn't get discouraged though. I darted back and forth across the street, from one group of people to the next, "Excuse me, sir! I'm looking for my friends!"

There weren't very many people out and about—I think there were less than yesterday—but that didn't stop me. Everybody within shouting distance, I asked. A guy was selling watermelons from a cart. I really wanted one, but I tried to stay on task. He hadn't seen them. I shouted up at a lady who was leaning through her window. She didn't know anything either, but I didn't give up. After a minute or two, Lei joined me, and then we were running through the streets together, sometimes ahead of Sanzo, sometimes behind him, it didn't matter. We laughed a little, and I grabbed her hand when she fell behind or got tired. After a while, I changed up the way we were describing the guys. 'This dude with a creepy smile an' a dragon.' 'My friend's got red hair like her, an' he's prob'ly gonna die from lung cancer.' 'He's like seven feet tall'. 'They might be in a Jeep.'

Nobody saw them though. Not all day, I guess. Then again, there really weren't a lot of people around. After a while, I started feeling bummed out again.

Then again, just because they weren't to this town yet didn't mean they wouldn't show up. They still might. I just had to keep my eyes open.

I was in the middle of asking this nice, old lady if she'd seen the guys, when Sanzo called my name. "Goku. What are you doing?"

Giving him a grin over my shoulder, I said, "Just checkin' around ta' see if maybe the guys are already in town."

"I thought I told you not to bother anybody."

"I'm not. We're just lookin' around for the guys a little."

He shook his head, and he was rubbing the bridge of his nose. He looked annoyed. "Stop it. They're not here."

"They _could_ be."

"They're _not_. Goku. Stop wasting energy looking for them."

"Yeah, but-"

The old lady spoke up suddenly, "You said red hair, didn't you, son?"

"Red, like mine." Lei answered for me.

"Now that you mention it, I did see a young man with red hair earlier."

My heart stopped beating for a second, and then I got this really, really good, happy feeling. Like the way I felt after eating a huge, delicious feast. "You did?"

"I'm sure I did… I can't quite remember where I was… But there was certainly a young man with bright, bright, red hair."

I turned to Sanzo again, smiling even bigger.

His eyes were a little wide, and I thought he looked surprised, holding his cigarette halfway to his mouth.

"Was he with another young man?" Lei was asking. "The other one has green eyes and a monocle, and a pet dragon."

"I'm afraid not, my dear. He was alone."

"Hakkai's not with 'im?" I frowned again. Did he go crazy? Maybe he really _did_ try to kill Gojyo, and maybe Gojyo _had_ to leave him behind. "Where'd you see 'im?" I demanded.

"I'm not exactly sure. Wandering up and down the street, somewhere, I suppose. I've been all over town today, you see. My family and I are trying to evacuate as quickly as we can, but it's been difficult getting everyone together; besides, I had to go and stock up on supplies—"

Sanzo was suddenly standing over my shoulder, using the voice he always used when he was getting right to the point. "You know you saw him though? Red hair. Six-one. Brown leather jacket. Scars on his face. Smoker."

The old lady stuttered, "O-Oh…Good priest."

"Twenty-two years old. Smart ass. Did he try to hit on you?" He wasn't even kidding.

Her face turned a little red. "N-no…I'm afraid it must have been someone else."

"What do you mean?" His eyes got narrow and hard.

"Well, good priest…the young man I saw was small. Just a boy, really. I'd say nine…maybe eleven years old."

Sanzo sighed again, sharper this time.

"That's not Gojyo…" I grumbled.

Lei gasped suddenly. She stepped forward, past me, "A little boy? A little boy with red hair?"

The poor old lady was starting to look really confused. She glanced between the three of us. "Well…yes. I believe so."

"Red. Red like mine?"

"His hair was definitely red, my dear. He wasn't smoking or anything…he had this very cute pair of goggles on top of his head."

"Deshi!" Lei practically shouted. "It's Deshi! Deshi's in this town!"

"Ya' think he made it all this way?" I asked, as she started walking up the street again, faster now. I had to hurry to keep up. I glanced back at Sanzo. He was trailing us, looking pissed.

"He must have…I don't know. If he left the town before me, I'm not sure how I could have come all this way and not found him yet. Did he get behind me somehow? Maybe he's not traveling the main road…. Or maybe he got distracted—Deshi tends to get distracted—but that has to be him. Red hair. Ten or eleven. Goggles… That's Deshi."

She sounded really excited. But also kinda' worried.

"I have to find him. I have to… Even if I have to look all through this town… No matter what it takes, I have to find him!"

"Yeah. Of course."

"Where should I look first?" It seemed like she wasn't even talking to me anymore really. "Maybe I should go back and talk to that woman some more. No. No. I don't have time. He could have left by now. Ohhh. I should have asked her _when_ that was. I'll be so upset with myself if I come this close and miss him…"

I turned back to Sanzo, "She's gonna' look around for Deshi."

"The two of you do what you want. I'm going back to the inn."

"Can't we help her?" I asked quietly.

"You can. I don't see why I should."

I guess I had known that would be the answer. I looked at Lei again, "Maybe you better come to the inn with us for a while, an' then go look for Deshi."

She shook her head, eyes determined, mouth set tight. "I have to get started right away. I can't waste any time."

It worried me a little, thinking of her going off by herself when the DethBreed could attack at any second, but I didn't think I could stop her. So I just nodded, "'Kay…"

"Whatever." Sanzo snorted. "Goku, are you coming or not?"

"Yeah, I-hey look."

Up ahead, a guy rounded the corner. He was pretty tall, with dark, spiky hair. It almost looked like Dokugakuji, but he had round, human ears, and the marks on his face were gone.

"Is that Dokugakuji-san?" Lei murmured.

"Looks kinda' like 'im…"

"Whatever." Sanzo sounded even more annoyed than ever. "I don't have time for this."

All three of us stayed where we were, watching him come closer and closer. When he was just half a block away, he waved a little, but he didn't look too cheerful.

"What're ya' doin' here?" I asked. "I thought you an' Kougaiji were gonna' stay an' make camp outside of town."

He was toying with a chain around his neck. It musta' been the limiter he was wearing. "We were—we _are_—but Kou wanted me to find out where the three of you are staying, in case something happens. Either that, or we need to decide on a meeting place, somewhere we can go if the DethBreed shows up."

"Oh. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Where'd ya' get the limiter?"

"Eh. This? I've had it a while, just in case I need it." He glanced around, like he wasn't used to being in a town or something. Maybe it had been a long time since he'd been in a human town. "Anyway, where you staying at, Sanzo? I gotta' get back to Kou."

"In an inn on the other side of town, not that it's really any of your business."

Dokugakuji nodded, "Well, any sign of the DethBreed in this town?"

"Hn. Don't you think you would have heard about it if it were?"

"Beats me."

"Stupidity must run in the family."

Dokugaku looked like he didn't know what to say to that, so he just moved on, "So then everything's okay?"

"Outside of all the goddamn distractions."

"Distractions? What-"

"We think Deshi is in this town." Lei exclaimed, more excited than ever. "We met an old lady who saw him. I was just about to go and look, and Sanzo-san and Goku-kun were going back to the inn."

"Deshi? Really? Man, that kid came a long way by himself. You sure it's him?"

"It must be. The description was uncanny."

"Yeah, but is it really okay for you to go look for him by yourself? You could need some help."

"I don't know. All I know is I have to find him." She was wringing her hands now. "Before something happens."

Dokugakuji looked up at the sky, "Well, it's starting to get a little dark out…I guess you should try to find the kid as quick as you can."

She nodded.

I felt bad that I couldn't help. I wanted to, but…

I looked at Sanzo again, mentally begging him to say we'd help her, but he just shook his head at me.

Dokugakuji was watching him too, like he thought he'd say something about it, and when he didn't. he said slowly, "I'll tell you what. I'll go with Sanzo to find out where they're gonna' stay, go check in with Kou, and then, when I'm done with that, I'll help you look for the kid."

Lei stared at him for a second. I thought she wouldn't say anything. Slowly, her eyes got really, really wide, her mouth sort of fell open, and I think she started to tear up. "You…you will? You mean that?"

"What? Of course. We can't let the little guy go wandering around alone in this town." He grinned, and for a second, he looked just like Gojyo.

Gojyo would wanna' help Lei too, if he were here. I wished he were, and then I wouldn't have to feel so bad about not going with them.

"Oh, Dokugakuji-san!" She jumped forward to clasp one of his gigantic hands between her two small ones, "That would be so wonderful! I don't think I can thank you enough!"

"It's all right." He laughed, and that sounded just like Gojyo too, "No big deal."

I thought it was interesting, suddenly. I wondered why he wanted to help. I didn't think Kougaiji and his friends were bad people…even if they were our enemies. I shouldn't be surprised that he cared about helping a kid, but I wondered if it was 'cause he wanted to help Lei, or 'cause he cared about what happened to Deshi, or something else.

_He's just like Gojyo_. I decided. _He's just a nice guy._

I turned to stare up the street for a long, long time, while they continued to talk. I really, really wanted the guys to come soon.

Sanzo called me back to reality. "We're moving Goku."

"'Kay…hang on a sec."

He started up the street without me, and Dokugaku follwed him, a little ways behind.

I turned back to Lei, who was smiling real big, looking happy for the first time in a long time. "Hey…Lei…"

"Hm? What is it, Goku-kun?"

"I…I just wanted ta' tell ya' I'm sorry. About what happened ta' your village…and all your friends. I can't remember what happened that night, but…I'm really, _really_ sorry."

Her smile faded right away, and I thought she'd get mad 'cause I was bringing it up. She lowered her eyes, not looking at me. I wondered if she'd start crying.

I inched forward, "Lei?"

"No… It's all right…"

Did I hear her wrong? How could it be all right?

"You…you don't seem like an evil person, Goku-kun. I always thought all humans and youkai were mean, cruel, terrible people…but…you've helped me see that I'm wrong about all of that. I don't understand what happened that night, and for a long time, I did think you were nothing but an animal, but after what you did for me yesterday…" She shook her head, "I can't think that anymore. I know I have to forgive you for what happened, because I know you wouldn't _want_ to do what you did."

That was that, I guess. I was definitely responsible for her dead friends. Some of them at least.

"I'm still really sorry."

Lei smiled, more sadly this time, "It's okay. You're a very sweet boy, Goku-kun. I can tell you're really special."

"Special? Me? Nah, I just-"

"Don't belittle yourself. Your friends are lucky to have you as a friend, I think."

My face turned a little warm when she said that. I blurted out, "I think you're sweet too, Lei. I mean. At first…ya' were kinda' hard ta' get close to, but I know ya' were just upset about everything. I know I ain't known ya' very long, but I think you're a really nice person. I'm glad ya' came with us."

"Thank-you."

Laughing a little, I added, just as a joke, "Maybe you an' Gojyo should get married or somethin', then we could keep bein' friends."

Her smile stayed, but she said, "Oh, Goku-kun. Believe me…there are some boys…you don't marry, no matter how much you like them."

That confused me, and I took a couple seconds, trying to figure it out.

Before I'd finished sorting through it, she said, "I hope I get to see you again, some day."

"Me too. I'm sorry I can't help ya' look for Deshi. I gotta' stick with Sanzo, in case somethin' goes wrong."

"I understand. It's all right."

"I hope ya' find him."

"I do too."

"You guys should come an' say goodbye to us, if ya' can."

"We'll see."

The two of us stood there, and maybe it was a little awkward. I didn't know what to say next, 'cause I got the feeling this was going to be the last time I saw her, and maybe it shouldn't matter, 'cause I didn't know her very well. Still, it made me a little bit sad.

She leaned forward, suddenly, gave me a short kiss on the cheek that turned my face hot as an oven. "Take care of yourself, Goku-kun." She squeezed my hand.

"Y-yeah… You too."

With that, she turned and practically ran down the street, calling Deshi's name.

I watched her go a moment, wishing there was something I could yell after her, but in the end, I just waved and called out, "Bye Lei."

She smiled at me over her shoulder, and then she was gone.

I made my way up the street, after Sanzo, had to jog a little to catch up, but before long, I was next to him again.

He glanced at me, "Is everything okay?"

"Mm. Yeah. I just hope she finds Deshi okay… I wish I could help."

"Nothing's stopping you."

"I know…"

That wasn't true though. Just now, I couldn't let anything get between me and Sanzo.


	23. Chapter 23

**Possibly one of my favorite chapters here...  
Thanks for sticking around and reading and for all the wonderful reviews. I feel like I've finally got this whole thing figured out.**

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**Hakkai**

By the time I reached the town, the sun was starting to rise, and the people were just coming to life, small numbers of them going about their business in the quiet streets. A few of them looked strangely at me when I passed by, horrified by the blood on me, but only one man stopped me to ask if I needed any assistance, at which point, I was able to inquire about an affordable inn. He looked at me like I should have been asking about a doctor instead, but he pointed me in the right direction, so I thanked him, and left.

"I don't really have enough money to check into an inn." I told Jeep, who was riding on my shoulder once more, "But it can't be helped—I'm exhausted."

As reluctant as I was to spend my dismal amount of money, I checked into a threadbare, one-bed apartment, and then I waited. I wanted to sleep, but I couldn't, because I was too worried.

Gojyo might be fighting Jade even now; unlikely though, seeing how I'd left him several hours ago. The fight might be over, and that left all the possibilities up in the air, floating above my head, waiting to crash down on me.

He might be dead, and that would be on me. I'd left him there with the shabbiest excuse for an argument I'd ever made in my life. I hadn't stopped Jade a long time ago, back when I was still reasonably sane, and therefore, I'd brought all of this on him.

Still, I didn't think she'd kill him.

Whatever the case, I couldn't even think of sleeping while he was in that predicament.

I got up from my seat on the edge of the bed and paced around the room, checking the window twice before sitting down again.

Why didn't I think she'd kill him? I had told him that she would. She had acted like she wanted him dead. _But_ she had wanted _me_ to kill him.

Besides. Jade was a concentrated dose of insanity, but she wasn't stupid—just the opposite, in fact—so she had to know that killing Gojyo wouldn't convince me to join her, but that it would likely achieve the opposite. She had to at least be somewhat aware of the fact that, if she killed him, I was going to kill her next, and I hardly cared what that would mean for my sanity. I'd let her get away with quite a few serious trespasses since first running into her, but that was something I would _not_ allow her to get away with.

Other than that, I was feeling a serious sense of concern for Sanzo and Goku. Presumably, Ryptcore was still out there—he'd been critically injured the last time we fought him, but he had sent Chang and Gang after us, which obviously meant he was still somewhere, giving orders—as long as he was alive, he was going to keep looking for Sanzo and trying to kill him. I had hoped that, before very long, I'd get a hold of myself and be able to rejoin them, but getting my personal demons in order was taking much longer than I'd expected. It had only been a few days, but it was a few days too many, and Sanzo and Goku could be dead by now.

I doubted that Goku was, in any case. While I'd been fighting the two of them, I had sensed that the Seiten Taisei was a bit stronger than Ryptcore was, so he was at least strong enough to _survive_ the fight, but only at the price of removing his diadem, at which point, he probably wouldn't bother protecting Sanzo, and I knew from experience that fighting Ryptcore _and _Goku was a dangerous task to take up all alone.

All in all, I felt as if I was letting all of my friends down, one at a time. I seemed to be dragging Gojyo deeper and deeper into a mess he wouldn't be able to pull himself out of, and in the meantime, Sanzo and Goku needed us both, and it was my fault that neither of us were there to assist them. At this point, I thought it was safe to say that if the mission fell apart and the revival was successful, it would be my fault.

I began to pace around. _Don't think such things, Hakkai. You're placing far too much responsibility on yourself._

It was easy to tell myself that, but impossible to actually believe it. What I really needed was to hear someone else say those things out loud, with conviction and certainty, and absurdly foolish optimism.

Again, I stopped to stare out the window—the streets were a bit busier now, though not much, and I didn't see anyone I recognized.

Absently, I patted Jeep's head, sighed, "Even if he were here…I can't imagine he would actually say those things to me. I can't believe he would actually think them at all."

I realized suddenly that I was still covered in blood, so I went to wash up a little, but there was nothing I could do to remove the stains from my clothes, and when I looked in the mirror, I saw the hidden beast, still lurking in my eyes, the blood of his best friend still staining his teeth as he grinned at me, wolfishly.

I washed my face, then, miserably, I went back to pacing. I felt that I was facing a wall of despair; after all, if I could only resolve my own issues, this might be over by now. Gojyo and I could help Sanzo and Goku. The four of us, together, with the help of Kougaiji and Dokugakuji, should be enough to dispatch Ryptcore, and then we could all continue moving west.

In the face of everything that had happened in the last few days, and particularly last night, that felt more impossible than ever.

I'm not sure how long I paced and alternated between standing by the window and sitting on the edge of the bed, but it must have been a couple of hours. I saw the sun getting higher and higher while the streets became busier and busier, and my heart grew more and more anxious the longer I watched. Shouldn't he have been here by now? He knew where to go, didn't he? Even if he had to inquire at every inn in town, he should have found me by now.

When the anxiety was too much to bear, I decided to go outside, in hopes that he'd happen along while I was there.

The sun was warm and the air was fresh, and normally I might have felt a bit refreshed, but as I stood there, leaning against the wall of the inn, watching as the town's inhabitants drifted by, unaware of my existence and my plight, I just felt a bit sick, and my head was starting to hurt.

All in all, the town was very quiet. Even now, toward the middle of the day, no one was really out. Small groups of people hurried by, but they seemed nervous, and many of them looked warily at me. I thought that I was likely in a part of town that was never very busy to begin with, and I supposed that was well enough.

I looked up the road, toward the edge of town, and waited, each moment that passed feeling sure that he was going to round the corner and see me. I could picture it all easily enough, with him smoking and grinning and taking his time as he approached. I could practically hear him: _"Hey'a, 'Kai. Don't hafta' worry about _that_ bitch anymore—she never had a chance."_

_ How ideal._ I thought bitterly.

Another hour, possibly two, passed me by, and still he didn't come. I began to walk. With any luck, he was in town by now—I didn't see how he could possibly _not_ be in town by this time—and he was just wandering around. Yes. He'd probably gotten distracted somewhere, with a woman, or maybe he'd stopped for a drink, or to gamble in the local bar. When I found him, he'd laugh and put his arm around my neck and say 'My bad.'

_How naïve are you? If he gets here—_when_ he gets here-he's not going to be in a very good mood._

He would come though. I knew he would. It was unacceptable to think that he might not.

Never-the-less, even if Jade spared his life strictly because she didn't want to make an enemy out of me, he probably wouldn't reach town in the best condition of his life. He'd probably drag himself here, staggering and bleeding, only partially conscious, using his bloody shakujou as a walking staff. He'd probably fall down at my feet and pass out from exertion.

_Now that's severely pessimistic, don't you think? He certainly wouldn't appreciate your lack of faith in him. He wouldn't appreciate you picturing him behaving so pathetically._

Pessimistic or pathetic, what difference did it make? It was also extremely realistic. He'd been injured when I left. His ribs still weren't healed, and I'd torn into him myself, setting him up to lose the fight by my own two hands.

I went back to imagining him getting distracted by the sight of a loose, young woman. It may not have been realistic, but it was a bit more cheering, and it gave me some comfort.

Above all else, I could not start to think that he might be dead.

I decided to try and get my idea off the whole situation entirely and did a bit of shopping. I didn't have much money left after renting the room, but I had more than enough to purchase something to eat. At the moment, I wasn't particularly hungry—I felt sick—but I thought I should at least get myself a clean shirt so that I wouldn't have to continue running around looking like an axe murderer. When I had something respectable to put on, I disposed of my old shirt and considered buying food, mostly because I needed to keep up my strength.

Along the way, I noticed that the streets were still decidedly empty, even in the market where they should have been busiest at hour. It was well past noon—growing close to two—and I saw that many of the shops were closed, and the crowds were thin and edgy. For the first time, I began to wonder where all the people were. It was a town of decent size, and there ought to have been a lot more people than this.

As I was picking my way through the market, murmuring to Jeep occasionally, I passed a group of people who were huddled off to the side of the street.

One woman was in the middle of saying, "Oh how terrible! The entire town?"

"I'm afraid so." Returned the man she was speaking to.

"Well, do they know how it started?"

"A group of youkai, as I understand it—a _mean_ group of youkai. Insane, every one of them."

I stopped.

Jeep chirped and nudged my ear, nibbling at my limiter cuff.

Slowly, I turned to them, and I tried to smile, but it felt as if the expression simply rolled over and died on my lips, "Excuse my interruption."

They looked up at me, clearly startled, and even a bit nervous.

"I hope you don't think me rude, but I couldn't help but overhear what you were saying. Could you possibly enlighten me as to what happened?"

The man who'd been speaking stared at me, looking me up and down before stammering out, "You mean you haven't heard? I thought everyone had heard."

"I'm afraid I've been a bit out of the loop recently."

"A group of youkai attacked the next village over, east of here."

"A large group?"

"Very large. According to the rumors, they may as well have been an army."

"An army…" I glanced around the streets again, half-expecting to see Ryptcore and his DethBreed coming toward me, and then, inevitably, I thought of Sanzo, "Were there any survivors?"

"Precious few, sir. They've all scattered throughout the countryside, but I had the chance to speak with a man who was there—poor bastard lost everything he had, family included—he said those monsters burned the whole place to the ground. Not a thing left to be seen there."

"I see…Well…hopefully those two weren't there at the time." I didn't think Gojyo and I could kill Ryptcore on our own, let alone accomplish the mission to India, and that was all functioning within the very optimistic thought that Gojyo himself wasn't dead either.

The people stared at me a while longer, looking confused and suspicious. The man said slowly, "The man I spoke to told me it looked as if that army was marching in this direction—a lot of people have been evacuating."

"Ah, is that so? That certainly explains how quiet it is in this town."

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I take it you're not from around here, sir."

"No. Not as such. I'm a traveler myself."

"Really? Where did you come from?"

"East."

He was nodding, but I could see that more and more he didn't like the look of me at all. Perhaps it was because my pants were still splattered with a disgusting amount of blood.

"East?" A woman gasped, "You didn't come all this way alone, did you, young man? It's terribly dangerous in this region—lots of youkai."

"Not alone, I assure you, ma'am." I tried to smile again, but I felt sicker than ever, "I had a companion whom I lost touch with over the course of last night. I wonder if you've seen him—he's my age, with red hair and a penchant for smoking."

They glance among themselves and murmured, but in the end, the answer was no. I thanked them and decided I'd best excuse myself, because they seemed to be growing more and more suspicious the longer I stood there.

From that point, I asked a few more people if they'd come across Gojyo, but no one had, and they all seemed rather loath to trust me, so, for the most part, I kept to myself, doing my best not to get discouraged. After all, he had to come eventually.

Either way, I was feeling more and more worried as the day went by. When the sun was beginning to set, I felt almost afraid. I stood on the outskirts of the town, staring back toward the woods I'd come out of early this morning.

I'd been so eager to escape Jade at that time, I'd just run, hardly thinking of who I was leaving behind, and now I was wishing that I hadn't allowed my cowardice to get the best of me. I'd never left him like that before, I realized. After everything we'd been through together in the last four years, I'd never willingly turned my back on him and run away without so much as a glance over my shoulder. Albeit, I'd never left _anyone_ behind like that before, but I'd certainly never even considered forsaking Gojyo when he was in danger. No matter how many times either of us had joked about leaving the other behind when he became too much of a burden, I had always known that neither of us would ever actually do it.

"Where are you?" I murmured. It had been almost a whole twelve hours. He should have caught up with me by now. Why in the world hadn't he?

I was afraid to know the answer. I didn't even want to consider the possibility that she'd killed him.

"If she did…" I let a bit of my anger seep into my voice, "I won't rest until she's dead."

Jade had to know that, didn't she? It seemed terribly obvious, but then…perhaps that was only because I _knew_ that would be my reaction. It would be unthinkable for Gojyo to get killed and not to do _something_ to avenge him. It would be ridiculous for me not to hunt down his murderer. I suppose Jade might not know that. She'd never cared for anyone, as best I could tell.

_That's not quite true. She's sworn to kill Sanzo because he's personally responsible for the death of her husband._

Suddenly, I felt confused. If Jade was so attached to her husband, why on earth was she so determined to have me? For the first time, I wondered if there wasn't some ulterior motive to everything she was doing…

Perhaps I didn't really want the answer to that either.

All I _did_ want was for Gojyo to show up. I wanted the reassurance of knowing he was alive and of knowing how badly he was injured.

_Regardless of whether or not Jade truly cared for her husband, she may not realize just how angry I would be if she killed Gojyo. It's not impossible…_

"Should I go and look for him?" I asked suddenly.

Jeep crooned.

"I'm not sure…I'm not sure if it's wise. But…waiting for him certainly is _frustrating,_ and nerve-racking for that matter."

I stood a while longer on the edge of town, looking out at the wilderness, trying to make up my mind. Give him a little longer, or go back and find him. If I went back to look for him, I risked running into Jade again, and I didn't think my sanity was stable enough for that just yet. I had to have a bit more time to compose myself until the wild feeling inside me was completely still.

For the first time all day, I considered the act I'd committed with her, the unbridled way we'd made love, and I felt ashamed. To think that I was still so weak in the face of Kanan's death. I'd been abstaining from sex since Kanan died, and I had assumed that the next time I indulged in that carnal desire, it would be because I'd found someone new to love. The fact that I'd lost sight of that in Jade's presence was a huge indication to me of just how she was affecting my sanity now, and I trembled to think of what might happen the next time we met. Logically, the best thing to do would be to stay as far from her as I could from now on.

_Gojyo could be lying out there, dying, if not dead, and you can only think of yourself. It's terribly selfish, Hakkai._

"I suppose…" I exhaled sharply, "I should go and look for him." This was just too unreasonable of an amount of time to wait. "Come along, Jeep."

I was just about to go when I heard a rattle behind me, like someone knocking over a trashcan, and then there came the sound of heavy, unsteady steps. I turned, thinking I'd see an enemy, or perhaps, at best, a homeless beggar, coming to ask for money.

Instead, Gojyo stumbled around the corner, clinging to the wall for support with one hand, blood smearing across the stone where he touched it, clutching his stomach with the other.

He appeared to be rather worse for the wear. There was blood running down the side of his face, flowing from his neck and shoulders, his shirt was gone, jacket stained, and his torso was a mass of sticky, dark red and ragged, torn flesh. It looked as if he'd torn his shirt into strips to use as makeshift bandages, and his bandana was tied around his leg. There was a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, marred with smudgy, brownish blood stains, but it wasn't lit.

He stopped and looked at me, blinking through the blood, "Heh. Fuckin' _finally_. Next time you say 'let's meet in the next town', pick a fuckin' spot, would'ja?"

I was right earlier in thinking his mood would be less than cheerful; his voice didn't so much as hint at playfulness—he seemed genuinely irritated—and he was scowling prominently, his forehead almost as wrinkled as Sanzo's was normally. But, I was still unbelievably happy and relieved to see him, ran to his side at once, "Gojyo!" I gripped his arm, trying to steady him, "Are you all right? What took you so long? I've waited all day!"

"What took me so long, he says. Jeez, Hakkai, I wonder." In spite of his gruff tone, he grabbed onto my shoulder, swaying like he'd fall at any given second.

I stumbled under his weight and held him up.

"Of course… No…all I meant was, I was quite concerned…" I suddenly found I couldn't look him in the eyes; I noticed that his neck and shoulder were chewed worse than ever, and the guilt came back to me that much stronger as I recalled what I'd done to him.

"Nn. Sorry… It took me a long time…to walk over here…"

"I'm sure. Do you think you'll…?"

Not waiting for me to finish, he slid to the ground, wincing painfully, back against the wall, "Man, am I having a shitty week or what?"

Jeep swept down and landed on his knee, nudging at his face, sympathetically.

I dropped to my knees in front of him, feeling a bit frantic as I looked him over again. On his abdomen, I saw long, deep claw marks, crisscrossing over one another, much more severe than the one's I'd given him in the side. His leg had been slashed open too, and I saw a fairly serious amount of blood flowing from the wound there. I was horrified to see that the scars on his cheek had been sliced open. His whole body was trembling from effort and pain. "What about Jade?" I asked quietly.

"Dunno' where she went."

"She is alive though?"

"Yeah…"

"But she let you live. That's fortunate."

"Let me live, huh? What makes you think I didn't kick the shit outta' her and chase her off?"

"Well, what _did_ happen?"

"Let's…not talk about all the messy details, okay, Romeo? Your girlfriend is freaky, let's leave it at that."

I didn't want to know what any of that meant either, though, after last night, I could infer easily enough, and I watched him, feeling guiltier and guiltier as he leaned back against the wall, eyes shut.

"Hey." His voice was soft, as if he could hardly stay awake, "You gotta' extra lighter? Can't find mine…"

I dug into my pocket, producing one immediately. Normally, I didn't carry a lighter, although perhaps it would be wise if I did, since it seemed that either Gojyo or Sanzo always needed one; I'd picked this one up after Gojyo had his nicotine withdrawals, thinking the last thing any of us needed was for him to fly off the proverbial handle when he couldn't get his cigarette lit. I leaned forward to light the cigarette for him, sat back as he smoked a while, noticed his hand was bleeding and his mouth was chewed and torn, there were bruises on his jaw, and his breathing sounded shaky.

It was then that I realized just how badly I was trembling, "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Gojyo."

For a moment, he didn't answer, and then he scoffed, "Hey, what'd I tell ya' about that sorry shit?"

It had been years since he'd said it, but I still remembered.

_"…you're always so down on yourself…you gotta' figure out how to forgive yourself…"_

Unfortunately, I still hadn't figured that out.

"Yes, but this is all my fault! Look at you! I let her do this—I _helped her_! How can I not be sorry?"

"Calm down, man. I-"

"No! I fell forward at his feet, pressing my face to the ground, shaking and practically sobbing, "How can I? I'm responsible for this whole mess—she tore you to pieces, and I let her, and then you dragged yourself all the way over here to find me! At this point, I can't even consider myself a worthy compatriot, let alone an acceptable _friend_! Clearly I'm going out of my mind, and I seem intent on letting everyone else take the fall for it!"

Gojyo stared at me eyes wide with shock, mouth hanging open like he was in the midst of saying something.

I couldn't bear to look at him, so I shut my eyes, "I didn't ask you to do this for me—I told you, 'Gojyo, go away before you get hurt', but you're too stubborn to listen, and I let you stay, knowing this would happen, eventually, because I'm selfish, and I didn't want to be alone—I don't deserve this! I'm not worth it for you to get hurt over! I-"

"But I did, okay? You didn't have to ask. I wanted to."

I sucked a sharp breath, throat aching from the urge to burst into tears, "But-"

"So quit your whining and close these fuckin' wounds before I bleed to death."

"Gojyo. Gojyo, I-"

"If you say you're sorry one more time, I'll kick your damn teeth down your throat."

Slowly, I sat up again, forcing myself to look at him, even the blood on his face and with his guts hanging out of him. It made me feel physically ill and emotionally destroyed, but I had to face him, eventually.

Gojyo looked back at me steadily, "I'll die unless you get your shit together. I only 'dragged myself all the way over here' so you could heal me."

Nodding stiffly, I moved forward. It took me a handful of minutes to close all his wounds, and as I did, I couldn't ignore the queasy feeling in my stomach that it wouldn't be good enough.

When I was done, I rose, helping Gojyo to his feet, but he didn't so much as groan. "I-I apologize for behaving so wretchedly. All of this is really beginning to get to me, I'm afraid."

He didn't answer me. He didn't say it was okay, and he didn't say it wasn't. He just tested his arm and stretched, peeled off some of the makeshift, shirt-bandages, and I saw that they were sticky and bloody.

"Gojyo…" I began, apprehensively, "Don't you think…that is, _I_ feel that, in light of the circumstances, perhaps you'd best go ahead and rejoin Sanzo and Goku. I'll stay behind and sort through my problems, and when the time is right, Jeep and I will-"

Gojyo threw a single blow as a response—a fierce right-hook—knuckles busting across my jaw, splitting my lip. It was so powerful, I found myself stumbling back, groping at the air in search of stability, and when I caught my balance again, all I could do was stare at him, disbelieving that he'd done something so recklessly violent when my youkai instincts were so close to the surface. "G-Go…jyo…?"

He was glaring at me, his voice like midnight, stark and cold, his eyes like daggers. I'd never seen him look at _me_ that way, and it was almost frightening. "I don't want to hear anymore of your fucking bullshit feelings, Hakkai. Let's get one thing straight, right now: you didn't drag me into this, I _followed_ your dumb ass; Don't you think I could have said 'who gives a shit?' and went with Sanzo?"

"Yes, but you-"

"I'll hit you again. I swear to God I will. I ain't fuckin' scared of you, Hakkai."

"Perhaps you should be." I murmured.

He grabbed me by the front of the shirt, giving me a rough jerk, "Quit it with all this angsty, dramatic, emo crap. I'm _not_. I'm sick and tired of you spitting the same, old stupid shit back at me. Jade's nuts. _You're_ nuts. I'm up to my neck in this shit. I keep telling myself 'it can't get any worse', and then it does. Then I'm askin' 'what's gonna' go wrong next?' It fuckin' sucks. But I can't just leave. You know damn well why, so quit telling me I should go!"

"I'm just trying to-"

"_I'm _not the one who needs _help_, Hakkai." He pushed me away, just as roughly as he'd grabbed me. "Now untuck your dick, pull your head out of your ass, and _get your shit together,_ man."

"What do I have to do to make you leave? You almost got killed! Do you think I want to stand by and watch you get hurt over and over? What can I do to get you to just _go_?"

"Blow me." He snapped. He grabbed up his jacket and walked away.

I lingered a moment, shaking my head at his stubbornness, and then followed, jaw still aching where he'd hit me. Before long, I was walking beside him.

We'd gone a ways in silence before he said, "That bitch thinks she knows you, 'Kai, but she doesn't."

His voice was more normal now, less angry, sounding tired.

I listened quietly.

"She thinks she gets it, but she doesn't know. She has no idea that you were a human once, and I almost think you forgot about that too."

"I haven't." I husked.

"Yeah, well, you're still human on the inside anyway, so listen to your heart instead of your instincts. How hard can that be?"

"Harder than you think, I'm sure."

"All I'm sayin' is, you're not a normal youkai."

I hesitated to ask, "Do you think that actually makes a difference?"

He turned on me, snapping, "Yes. Yes, I fucking do. Why? Because all the normal youkai went crazy a long time ago, and they're out running around eating people, but you're not."

It made sense, in its own way, but it was just somewhat difficult to put a lot of faith in that possibility. "Still, you realize it's not impossible for the same fate to befall me."

"'Course I know it." He rubbed his neck where the now half-healed wounds were. "Just…you can't give up on yourself yet, you can't expect _me_ to just give up on you."

"Not giving up on me is one thing." I answered sternly, "But putting yourself at risk for my sake is unnecessary."

Gojyo shook his head, "I know I can't make you get it. I don't care if you get it or not, just quit telling me to leave."

I sighed, "Pigheaded indeed."

"Yeah, well you're stubborn too, so I don't wanna' hear it. Hey, what are we doing anyway?"

"I'm not exactly sure yet… I checked into an inn here—perhaps we ought to go there and regroup. After all, you're injuries were rather serious, and you lost a lot of blood."

"Fine by me. I'm fucking tired."

"Once we've had some dinner and we've gotten some rest, we can discuss our next move."

Gojyo just nodded. I could see how exhausted he really was just from the stiffness in his movements and the slow, almost clumsy way he was walking. It made me feel another pang of unbearable guilt, and I stepped up close beside him, "Gojyo…?"

"Nn?"

"I know you don't want to hear anymore pathetic apologies or overly dramatic, emotional outbursts…but…can I just tell you how much I hate what I did last night?"

"I didn't like it either." He rubbed his neck again.

"Will you allow me to explain myself?"

"You don't really need to—it was pretty self-explanatory."

"Indulge me?"

He was silent.

"I didn't _want_ to do it, you know that don't you?"

"I know."

"If I could take it back, I would, without so much as a thought, and it won't happen again. I promise."

"Alright. Cool."

"Gojyo." I grabbed his arm, and he turned to look at me.

"I believe you, Hakkai. It's cool. I'm just tired."

"Yes…I know. I just wanted to say that…well, I doubt I can apologize enough for what happened, and I'm not even sure I can forgive myself for it, but please know, whatever happens next, I appreciate that you haven't given up on me."

"Hey, man." He looked almost startled, "'Course I ain't givin' up on you. This is one long-ass job for Sanzo, but you and me are still partners, right?"

_Partners. _

Admittedly, it had been a while since I'd thought of him that way, but still, I couldn't pinpoint when it was exactly that I'd stopped. It used to be the most natural thing in the world, calling Gojyo partner, and suddenly I wondered if we'd lost something on this journey, or if we'd simply found something new, and I missed the way it used to be, and I hated this quest with all my heart, for just a moment.

_No, I can't think that. We haven't lost anything. We're exactly the way we've always been, it's just that, these days, we don't have to think about it as often._

"Well…I suppose that's true."

"Damn straight. We're in this shit together, so quit worrying about it."

"In that case…you'll have to excuse me for being remiss in my duty, but I can assure you, this the last time."

"As long as you get your head in the game it sounds good to me."

"Naturally, I can't make any promises concerning my own sanity, but I'll choke on my own tongue before I turn on you again, and as for _that woman_, if she so much as _touches_ you, for any reason, I'm going to kill her."

Gojyo grinned—it seemed as if it had been forever since I'd seen him smile—and even laughed a little, "Hey, ease up. When I say partners I don't mean _life_-partners."

I let the flippant remark pass by without comment; I knew full well by now that pretending it didn't matter was the only way he knew how to handle genuine affection or concern.

_But, partners…_

That word was still resounding in my ears, abruptly reminding me of something vitally important, and that was that last night, Jade had attacked and done her best to turn me against my partner, a man I'd long ago swore to myself that I'd always fight beside and prioritize his well-being above my own, simply because, to me, that's what being a partner meant, and because I knew that he, in turn, would be regarding me similarly. The proof that he was doing just that was now staining my clothes as well as his.

We began to walk again, and I said, "I know I don't need to protect you, necessarily; at this point, it's a matter of principle."

"Principle?"

I allowed my tone to darken some, "All of this has made me quite angry. Jade is my problem, and the fact that my sanity has become so badly impaired is something I know I have to deal with more or less alone, because willing as you may be, there's precious little you can do to help. So I'll handle those things alone. However, she's done her best to use you against me, and it's unspeakably frustrating. I'd go so far as to say it's infuriating, so it's a matter of principle—an issue of pride and respectability—to see to it that she keeps this between me and her from now on, and leaves you out of it."

Gojyo laughed and pounded me on the back suddenly, "Hakkai, you're more like a mom than a partner."

I sort of wished he hadn't used that particularly turn of phrase. It reminded me of that look I'd seen on his face, and I blurted out, "I'm sorry I slapped you."

He hesitated, then the flippancy in his voice seemed somewhat forced. "What? Nah, no big deal. That was totally the least of my worries. In fact, I totally forgot about it."

"I know, but I'm sorry none-the-less."

"'Course you are. Hey, where's the inn anyway? I'm seriously spent."

Clearly he was done discussing the matter, likely because he didn't want me to realize how much it had honestly bothered him, so I dropped it willingly. "It's just ahead. How are you feeling? I closed the wounds easily enough, but they were quite severe."

"I'm okay."

"You should try to be careful." I told him, as sternly as I dared, "You don't want to bust them open again."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll keep it in mind, Doc."

Ahead of us the inn was in sight. I felt relieved to an absurd degree. After all, I could tell him to take it easy all day long, and it wouldn't do us much good, seeing how we were in a tight situation, with at least two major enemies about, looking to kill us, or our team, and I was definitely going to be relying on him if anything went wrong now. Never the less, it would be good to be securely inside the inn, even if I knew that being inside wasn't going to necessarily help us at all. I felt bad about Gojyo's condition, more than anything—he could definitely use the rest after fighting Jade and bleeding all day. Suddenly, I felt rather foolish for not renting a two-bed room.

"What're we gonna' do?" He asked when we'd been walking a few minutes in silence.

"As I said, we're going to go to the inn and regroup, and then we'll discuss a course of action."

"Like you don't already have an idea. Just tell me."

I shrugged, "I honestly have no idea."

That was a lie, actually. I had been thinking earlier that it was doing us very little good to continue on our own, particular since I didn't feel as if Sanzo and Goku would be faring much better than we were. It had crossed my mind that it could be better to rejoin them after all, and then at least we'd all be facing the same difficulties at the same time. The question was, could I handle making that move, or would I simply put all my team mates at risk again? It wasn't a question I could answer easily, so my mind wasn't entirely made up on the matter.

"Hn. Don't hear that very much."

I didn't want him to think I was at the end of my rope, even if I was getting very close to it, so I amended at once, "That is, I do have _some_ idea, but I'm not exactly sure yet. When we're inside, we can talk about it." The inn was just in front of us now, lit up with warm, friendly light.

Gojyo gave me another slighting look, proof that his mood still wasn't exactly where it needed to be, "And you're not gonna' just wait 'til I crash and ditch my ass?"

"No, of course not. I wouldn't do that to you after everything that's happened in the last twenty-four hours, and I must say, I don't appreciate the unwarranted suspicion."

"Just sayin', if I wake up tomorrow and you're AWOL, I'm gonna' find you and kick your ass."

I nudged his arm, lightly, "I'm not going to leave you behind."

At the sound of those words, I thought I could see some of the tension ebb out of him, but he just nodded vaguely.

We were right in front of the inn. It was a bit ridiculous to feel so anxious about getting there, but I sincerely felt as if, once we were inside, all of our problems would be left behind, and we could just eat and sleep—in a bed for the first time in days and days—and perhaps the morning would find us a bit better off for the luxury.

Drily, I recognized that I probably wouldn't get to sleep in the bed at all. It would be immensely inconsiderate to make Gojyo sleep on the floor when he was injured, and we certainly weren't going to _share_ the twin bed. We were close, but not _that_ close.

"This is it." I said, as we approached the front door. "It isn't the classiest inn in town, but bear in mind, I had to rent the room out of my own pocket. At least there's a shower and a bed, and it could be that if we get our bearings tonight, tomorrow we'll be able to start taking the steps necessary to repairing the collateral damage of this sordid episode."

Instead of commenting, he stopped walking suddenly, a far-off look in his eyes. "Hey, Hakkai…"

I stopped too, trying not to feel frustrated. We were so close to security and comfort and solitude, I didn't want to stop now for anything. "Yes?"

Gojyo turned to face me, "Hakkai, I-"

Someone down the street called out suddenly, "Gojyo!"

We both whirled around immediately, looking to see who in this unfamiliar town knew Gojyo by name.

Lei was running toward us. She looked somewhat dusty, slightly battered, and extremely scared. "Gojyo! Gojyo, thank goodness!"

"Lei?"

She hit him so hard, I thought he'd fall over, flung her arms around his neck at once, burying her face in his chest.

Gojyo staggered back, clawing at my sleeve, and I steadied him out of reaction.

Then he stood there a moment, glancing from me and then back to her, face open with confusion and surprise. "Lei? What are you doing here?"

"I've been looking all over for you." She gasped, voice muffled in his bloody coat.

"Yeah...? Um, okay. I thought you went with the others…"

"I did. But I came to look for you. I-"

He tightened his grip on her shoulders, suddenly, voice and face turning slightly dark, "What happened? Is everyone okay? Don't tell me that freak burned _that_ place down too."

"No, no, I think everyone is all right." She seemed to be hushing now. Maybe it was just her femininity succumbing to his masculine demeanor, or some like sense of security. "It's Deshi."

Gojyo was quiet for a second. I saw the way he scowled.

"Deshi left the village…all he would talk about was wanting to go with you…so when he disappeared, I thought maybe…?"

"You mean to say you think Deshi is looking for _us_?" I questioned.

Lei glanced at me, like I was an absolute stranger or, perhaps, a monster, "For _Gojyo. _Yes."

"Why would he do such a thing? I don't mean to doubt your word, Miss Lei, but…it does seem rather extreme for a child to leave the safety of home like this to look for a man he hardly knows."

Lei shuddered and turned her face back to Gojyo's chest.

Gojyo answered for her, "He'd do it. That kid…"

"You remind him of Seiji." She murmured.

"There ya' go. I remind 'im of Seiji."

While I had no idea who Seiji was, they both seemed fairly certain. "Ah. Well, unfortunately, Deshi-kun isn't with us."

I watched the way she sunk even deeper into Gojyo's arms, as if the unfortunate news was draining her strength away, and he struggled to support her. She murmured, "No. I had hoped…"

"You looked for him all over town? You're sure he left?"

She nodded, "I'm sure. I-maybe it was stupid, but I banked everything on him being with you. I don't know what to do now. I've asked around in this town a little, but…when I saw the two of you, I thought for sure you'd know where he was."

"People saw him in this town?" Gojyo asked suddenly.

"I talked with some people said they saw a kid who matched his description. I don't want to give up hope…he _could_ be here somewhere."

Gojyo looked at me again, and I already knew which direction this was going. I said carefully, "It seems like a terribly long walk for a child; I've been in this town all day, but I haven't seen him. Still, I suppose it isn't impossible."

"I have to find him." Lei whispered, sounding as if she were on the brink of tears, "I can't go home without him. Gojyo…what should I do?"

He watched me a moment longer, and then he folded his arms around her, one bruised, blood-stained hand running through her hair, and rested his mouth against the top of her head, "We'll find him, Lei, don't worry. We'll look for him, and if he's in this town, we'll find him."

"What if he isn't?"

I interrupted calmly, "I suggest we cross that bridge when we come to it. In the meantime, we need to think strategically. It isn't too late yet, and it's not very dark, but obviously we need to find him as quickly as possible. I don't think it's good for a child to be wandering around alone at night."

"Right." Gojyo said immediately, shaking loose of Lei, gently, "Where would a kid go? The pool hall?"

I shook my head at him slightly, rethought it, and amended, "He _is_ looking for you, after all. Well, at any rate, there's no time to lose." The three of us began to walk. "This is not a very big town, fortunately, so I don't think we should have any trouble locating him." I didn't add that I had been looking forward to going up to the inn and unwinding after the stress of the day. I knew that a child's safety was more important than my comfort.

Lei took Gojyo's hand tightly in her own, "I hope so… I can't help feeling responsible—if I'd just paid more attention to what he was telling me."

"It's not your fault." Gojyo answered, dismissively almost.

"The towns east and west of here were destroyed—by the DethBreed, I guess—I don't know if I'll be able to forgive myself if he…" Her voice died away.

Gojyo looked back at me again, "The DethBreed destroyed another town?"

I said grimly, "I heard that rumor earlier today as well."

"Shit, Hakkai. What if Sanzo and Goku were…"

"It's not impossible…though I think we'd do best to remain optimistic and keep believing they're okay. It goes without saying that my healing power is of no use to them while we're separated like this."

And it was my fault that we were separated, so if anything happened to them, and I wasn't there to heal it, that would be all on me. Their blood on my hands, like the blood of so many others… The thought was almost unbearable.

_My healing powers wouldn't be any good to them if I'd lost my mind either._

"Sanzo and Goku?" Lei looked between us. "But Sanzo and Goku are _here_."

We both stared at her.

"You mean to say they're in this town? As we speak?"

She nodded, "I ran into them several days ago, on the road. I thought they might meet you somewhere, so I stayed with them. I'm sorry, I would have said something earlier…I'm just so worried about Deshi."

I thought a moment. Sanzo and Goku had apparently survived Ryptcore without us, and now they were here—they could have been just a few streets away all day and I'd been completely oblivious to the fact. If I had known that, I would have looked for them.

_It can't be helped, I suppose._

"What're we gonna' do?" Gojyo asked after a moment.

"Whatever the case may be, we need to find Deshi before we do anything else. Still, I don't think we should ignore the fact that they're so close. At the very least, we probably need to go and have a word with Sanzo."

Gojyo snorted, a clear indication that he wasn't even remotely interested in discussing _anything_ with Sanzo. I didn't know what had transpired after I left the group, but from limited amounts of insinuation and complaints, I had gotten the impression that Gojyo was not thrilled with the way Sanzo had reacted, and that he was angrier with him than ever. I'd been hoping he'd get over that by the time I was ready to rejoin the others.

Still, there was no saying the time was right, even now. I still felt the deep-seeded, wild thrashing of violence rumbling inside me, and I was afraid that any stimulation would push me over the edge again, even with my limiter on.

I glanced at Gojyo's neck, thinking again of how rampantly I'd tried to destroy him, with such profound shame, I could hardly bear it.

Best to put that on the shelf for now. It seemed the night would turn out to be longer than I'd anticipated.

The three of us wandered the streets for a bit over an hour, inquiring about Deshi here and there, to anyone who seemed amicable. It seemed to me that he certainly was in this town somewhere. There were numerous accounts of a boy, aged at nine or ten, with bright red hair and a pair of goggles, but no one could tell us exactly where to look for him, although there were witnesses who'd seen him in the square and near the market. We searched both areas, but Deshi wasn't there anymore.

The longer we searched the more discouraged Lei began to behave. I could see that she was taking this extremely hard, and she was definitely putting all the blame on herself. Gojyo did his best to comfort her in his casual, unworried way, but I could tell he was bothered too. I wondered how much _he_ was blaming himself.

I said out loud, "I don't think there's any particular need to be worried. If the people who came across Deshi saw him today, he's undoubtedly alive and well. We just need to exercise a little patience and not get discouraged."

Not long after that, a young man told us he had just seen a boy matching our description, a few blocks north of us, only he wasn't alone. He was with a tall, 'scary-looking' man.

The three of us all stopped to look at one another.

"Who would Deshi be hanging out with? Some random do-gooder?"

"One can only hope."

"Damn. That kid's friendly as hell—he takes to anybody."

"Oh." Lei said suddenly, as if she'd just thought of something, but I detected in her voice that she hadn't necessarily been wanting to say it out loud, "Dokugakuji-san."

Gojyo turned on her immediately, "What about him?"

"He…offered to help me look for Deshi. I can't believe I didn't tell you that. When we got into town, Sanzo and Goku went to the inn, but Dokugakuji-san said we'd find Deshi faster if we both split up and looked."

I wasn't shocked at hearing that Sanzo and Goku had gone to the inn. Sanzo certainly would have wanted nothing to do with Lei's search for Deshi, and even if Goku wanted to help, I doubted he would have left Sanzo when everything was so uncertain right now. I wondered where Kougaiji was, though I supposed he was likely waiting somewhere. He might even be helping Dokugakuji look.

We kept walking in silence.

Lei said quietly, "I'm sorry I didn't say anything. I didn't think of it."

Gojyo shrugged, "Yeah, it's not important. Don't sweat it."

"But Deshi. Do you really think he's close?" She started to jog ahead. It was getting dark now, and I could see that she was frantic.

Gojyo and I lagged behind, and he muttered, "What the hell's that guy up to anyway?"

"Up to? Dokugakuji?" While the two of them had been traveling with our party, I had expected Gojyo to act a bit friendlier to his brother, but I hadn't been surprised when he didn't either. Seeing how he'd spent most of the trip in nicotine-deprived fits, he hadn't been particularly friendly to anyone. "I think he just wants to help. Isn't that an apt enough deduction?"

Gojyo wrinkled his nose slightly, "Help _who_? He's been actin' weird since we ran into those guys."

"How so?"

He shrugged again, "Just some of the shit he said…it was bad for the team. That's all."

"I see. Well, where Deshi and Lei are involved at least, I think he probably just wants to help. It doesn't exactly matter _why_, does it?"

"Nah, guess not. Anyway, we better catch up to her, in case it _isn't_ him." He set off at a brisk jog, breaking away from me easily.

I took a moment longer, considering what he'd said, and then I followed.

We didn't have to go very far. It was approximately three and a half blocks north that we came across the three of them. Lei was kneeling on the ground, holding Deshi tight, alternating between scolding him and professing her relief, while Dokugakuji stood over them, silently, but he looked up when we approached. "Hn. You two. I'm surprised to see you."

"We weren't expecting you either." Gojyo said casually, "You wearing a limiter? That's a new one."

"Well, I didn't have much choice."

"Gojyo!" Deshi shouted suddenly, squirming out of Lei's arms. He ran to him, throwing himself against him, just as Lei had. "I'm so happy to see you! I knew I'd find you somewhere!"

"Hey, kid." Gojyo tousled his hair and grinned. "Out for an adventure?"

"Yeah! That place was so lame! I wanted to see what you were up to! Hey, look!" he stepped back to pull something out of his belt. It appeared to be an old kama with a rusty blade and a splintery handle, "It's not _really_ like what you got, but it's cool, huh?" He took a few preliminary swings with it.

Gojyo just laughed. "Kid, where'dya' find this crap?"

"So now I can come with you guys, right?"

"Deshi." Lei was on her feet again, shaking her head in dismay. "You-"

"Ah, c'mon, Lei, can I? Please? It's okay. Go home and tell everyone not to worry."

She frowned at him, "I didn't come all the way out here to find you just to go home without you, Deshi."

"Yeah, but I'll be all right. 'S long as I'm with Gojyo, I'll be okay. Right Gojyo?"

"Uh, I dunno', kid. What I do is pretty dangerous."

Deshi didn't seem the least bit deterred, "But I got a weapon now, so I promise not to be in the way or anything."

"You-"

"Pleeease? I just wanna' go with you! Can I?"

"Deshi." I interrupted, and I think it may have startled him, but I proceeded kindly, "It's important not to be selfish, especially at a time like this. You put Lei through a terrible amount of grief, you know. She was very worried about you."

Deshi looked at me as if that probably hadn't occurred to him before now, and he glanced back at Lei.

"I think you ought to apologize for worrying her, first of all, and then I think it's best if you continue to do whatever she tells you to do."

He didn't answer for a moment. When he did, his voice was a bit more subdued, "Hakkai-san…I just wanna' go with you guys." He grabbed onto Gojyo's wrist and looked up at him hopefully, "I can go right? You don't care, do you?"

I waited, hoping Gojyo might take it upon himself to tell Deshi no, but he didn't seem interested in doing anything of the kind, so I went on, as gently as I could, "It's out of the question, I'm afraid. We're in enough danger as it is, so it's in everyone's best interest if you go home with Lei."

Deshi was still waiting for Gojyo to say something, but I knew he probably wouldn't. Eventually, Deshi just hung his head, lowering the kama sadly.

"Now that that's settled, we ought to plan our next move, I think." I said, speaking solely to Gojyo, but the others were all looking at me intently as well. "I think I ought to have a word with Sanzo, if I can find him."

Dokugakuji spoke up, "I know where he is. I'm heading in that direction to meet Kou anyway—I can show you the place."

"Really? That would be very helpful, thank-you. Gojyo?"

Gojyo scoffed and threw his cigarette down, "Not interested, 'Kai. I'm frickin' not in the mood for Sanzo."

"I thought that might be the case. Well, it goes without saying that I'd rather not split up at this point in time, but if you want, you can take Lei and Deshi back to our inn and wait for me."

"Alright."

I handed him the room key.

"What're you gonna' say to Sanzo?"

"Mostly I'd just like to check in and be sure the two of them are doing all right. But also, I was thinking, this little detour of ours may have run its course. I may want to move on with them tomorrow."

"That's your call, man."

"Very well then. We'll discuss it in more detail when I return, shall we?"

"Heh. No way. I'm going the hell to bed when I get to the room. You decide what we should do and wake me up in the morning."

"If that's the way you want it."

"Definitely."

"In that case, I'll see you tomorrow." I added casually, "Please be careful."

"Right, right." He grinned at me, though it still wasn't as genuine as usual, "You too."

With that, he began to lead Lei and Deshi away. They hesitated to say thank-you and goodbye to Dokugakuji, and then went after Gojyo, who hadn't said a single word to his brother since commenting on the limiter.

I watched them go, feeling somewhat uneasy about the whole matter. This town seemed peaceful enough, but I didn't think that exactly mattered, considering the fact that Ryptcore had razed the last two towns we'd been in, and I felt that we were both that much more vulnerable without one another. Gojyo was injured. I was in a fragile state of mind. If something were to happen while we were apart, it would be the worst possible thing. After the events of last night, I was very reluctant to let him go without me, but I didn't want to deprive him of the rest he needed either.

In light of that, I tried not to worry about it. He'd go back to the inn, and my talk with Sanzo shouldn't take any more than an hour, which meant I'd be there as well within an hour and a half or so. By then Gojyo would be asleep. In the morning, we'd likely join Sanzo and Goku in Jeep to continue on the journey west, in spite of the difficulties we were facing. I was still reluctant to put my team mates at risk, but it was beginning to look as if my problems weren't going to simply vanish, and we'd all be better off if we were together.

_At least_, I thought, as I watched Gojyo disappear around the corner, _I hope that's true._

Finally, I turned to Dokugakuji, who was staring after them, a strange, almost sorry look on his face.

"Well then, lead the way, if you please." I said with a smile.


	24. Chapter 24

**Not sure how to feel about this chapter…it was just some things that had to be done in order to keep the story moving. Hope somebody out there likes it.**

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**Dokugakuji**

The town was eerie and silent, and every person I passed was human, reminding me of just how many years it had been since I'd gone wandering around in a human town like this. My home town, where I'd grown up with Gojyo, had been made up of both humans and youkai, but there had always been a larger, stronger population of youkai there, so fitting in had always been easy. Everyone had always gotten along—humans and youkai were friends there—even if they were a little bit segregated. It had been a small enough town that everyone knew each other. When I was really young, I had thought it was cool that everybody knew everybody.

Around the time I turned six, I had learned that everybody knowing everybody wasn't very cool after all. Everyone knew everyone's business. Everyone gossiped about it at their leisure. It went without saying that when the scandal with my father happened, it was all over town. _Sha cheated on his wife—isn't that horrible? His mistress is a human. I heard she's pregnant now…_

I'd heard it all. My mother had heard it all. My father had heard it all. I guess that was why he'd decided to kill himself, so he wouldn't have to keep dealing with the shame of everyone knowing what he'd done.

_The coward's way out. I can't believe he left us behind over _that_._

Gojyo's mother must have felt the same way, or maybe he'd just talked her into it. I'd only met her a couple of times, but she'd always struck me as being a little weak-willed, easy to manipulate. Then again, she had a lot to live for, before her son was born, and it might have taken some convincing to get her to give it all up. Maybe she was just too heart broken to think of living without my father... Mom had had a hard time with that, but at least she'd done it.

The whole thing was just sad. Gojyo's mom was a beautiful woman. Probably the most beautiful human woman in the whole town. Even as a child, I'd thought so, and I'd come across some pictures of her when I became a teenager. Definite boner material, Gojyo's mom, and a lot younger than Dad too.

_No wonder Mom was so jealous…_

Since I'd left that place, I'd been in and out of a lot of different towns, some human, some youkai, so I'd seen and felt and tasted prejudice. I'd been turned away in the rain. I'd gotten my ass kicked for being a member of the wrong race, in the wrong place, at the wrong time. I'd seen how unfair the world could be. Since joining Kou, I didn't go out into the real world very much, and since the chaos began, I hadn't been in any towns.

In light of that, I should have felt interested and excited, maybe, to be here, but I just felt uncomfortable.

And walking side by side with Cho Hakkai wasn't making it any better. It was…awkward. I was already on edge, because the limiter was robbing me of my natural power, and I didn't like being away from Kou. I knew he was probably still waiting for me on the outskirts of town, near the shabby, little inn Sanzo had chosen, and I'd probably get back to him before the DethBreed was anywhere near this village, but I still hated the idea that something could happen to him while I was away, jerking off with the better half of the Sanzo Ikkou. I guess I felt like everything was just a little out of my control.

Somehow walking with Hakkai made that feeling much, much worse. I could sense his youkai energy, even _with_ his limiter on, and it was a scary, scary feeling. Like the power of the sun blazing through a layer of clouds. It was everywhere, almost tangible, overwhelming in a way. He acted pretty tamely. He didn't say so much as a word to me, but he was behaving like a human. A human with the burning chi of a crazed youkai. When I thought of how he'd acted the night all of us fought Ryptcore, or how he'd apparently torn an officer of the DethBreed limb from limb without even removing his limiter, I felt a little bit sick, and even sort of scared. Here was a guy you did not want to mess with, just like Goku without his diadem. Both of them were insanely powerful, and merciless.

_And they think _we're_ the bad guys._

I only knew one thing for sure. I did not want my prince fighting Cho Hakkai in his limitless form. Kou was strong, but his heart _did _interfere with his actions pretty much all the time, and if what I was sensing out of Cho Hakkai right now was just the beginning of his strength, I knew Kou wouldn't stand a chance. There might be a day when I couldn't avoid that, but for now, if I could prevent it somehow, I would definitely do whatever it took.

Then again, maybe it wasn't Kou I was worried about right now, exactly.

I blurted out, "What'dya' do to my brother? He looked pretty trashed."

Cho Hakkai returned, in an ultra-calm voice, "Yes, well…he's somewhat reckless and he hardly ever thinks things through… You know how he is. Ah. Excuse me. Perhaps you don't."

I couldn't say for sure, but that last part seemed pretty snide, like maybe he didn't like me pointing fingers at him. I didn't appreciate him telling me I didn't know my own brother very well. "You're telling me you didn't do that?"

"Not at all. But…even if I had, what, may I ask, would you do about it?"

"Dunno'." I couldn't help scowling, "That's my kid brother, you know. Nobody messes with my brother."

"Well." He said slowly, "I can't imagine why you're purposefully getting into this particular discussion. As I understand it, Gojyo hasn't been your brother in over ten years now. You hardly know him. Furthermore, I can think of two very particular physical disfigurations that make your latter statement invalid. _Somebody_ certainly got away with messing with your kid brother quite a bit."

It was a low blow. It made me angry, just like that, "Who do you think you are, saying that shit to me? You don't know anything about it."

"You were the one who started this conversation. I'm merely pointing out the fact that you have no right whatsoever to be indignant over his current physical state. After all, slinging the word _otouto-chan_ around isn't going to suddenly put the two of you on the same side."

And _that_ was a ridiculously quick deduction. I wondered if Gojyo had told him anything about the couple of talks we'd had before the two of them took off. No… I got the feeling Cho Hakkai was _just_ that smart.

Smart and powerful. Hakkai was deadly, and I'd better watch my step.

"I ain't trying to start a fight." I said casually, "Just, if you're gonna' go crazy, I don't wanna' see you take Gojyo down with you."

He was quiet. Maybe I'd struck a chord myself.

"The two of you seem like you're pretty good friends."

"Does that bother you?" He smiled at me, way too pleasantly.

"No, of course not. It's good to know the kid's finally got _some_ friends." I smiled back. "But you know…Goj was never very good at making the right kind of friends. He always winds up with the kinda' people who are gonna' use him or keep him down."

"Hm. I think you're right."

"Maybe you're right. It's been a long time since I saw Gojyo, so maybe I'm out of line, acting like I can just step in and be his big brother out of nowhere. Still, I don't wanna' see him get hurt."

His voice was a little softer when he answered, "You're certainly barking up the wrong tree this evening, Dokugakuji."

Was I? Or maybe I'd found the right tree to bark up. If Gojyo was too stubborn to get out of this mess while he still could, maybe there was another way for me to get him out of it.

"Right, right. Look, I get how this minus wave thing works, a little bit. Youkai losing their sanity… none of them wanna' hurt the people they care about, but maybe they just can't help it. I've heard about some crazy shit since all this started happening.

"You must mean _something _to my brother, or he wouldn't have gone after you the other night. If he means anything to you at all, maybe you better do the poor kid a solid, know what I mean?"

Cho Hakkai didn't speak for a second, I thought I might be getting my message through all right, and then he smiled, suddenly, "Do not make the mistake of assuming I'm as dense as he is, Dokugakuji. It's perfectly obvious what you're trying to do, and even if, perhaps, at the heart of the matter, there's a noble cause—some leftover sense of responsibility you can't get out of your system—I'd advise you to put your energy into something you'll be a bit more successful at."

"Like I said. I just don't wanna' see him get hurt."

"Well, now that you mention it, neither do I. However, your misconception is in thinking of him as a 'poor, naïve, friendless kid'. It's no wonder he's irritated with you. Having not witnessed his progress into adulthood, you apparently still think of him as the twelve-year-old you left behind."

"Hey, I-"

"I don't care why you did it, so please save your breath." He interrupted, harshly almost. "Furthermore, take into consideration that it will require much more than your pathetic attempts at espionage to drive Gojyo away from us. For one thing, I've become rather accustomed to being around him, and I'm not sure how willing I would find myself to let him go, even if it were in his best interest.

"I can't explain it exactly. I suppose there's a certain sense of loyalty and regard that comes from knowing full-well that you owe someone your life, and that, no matter how many times you repay that debt, it will always be residing inside you. It's a choice, really—a conscious decision—to stand by that person no matter what, and to put everything on the line for them, when and if it's required. Such a thing transcends friendship."

I couldn't help staring at him. _Did someone _tell_ him to say that?_

It was true though, wasn't it? When I thought of Kou and how much I'd done and risked for Kou over the years, and how it just never seemed like enough in the face of what he had given me from the very start. There had been times when I thought I was forcing my friendship on him, because he looked like Gojyo to me, because I wanted to make up for the fact that I really hadn't been able to help my brother, but in the end, Kou was Kou, and Gojyo was Gojyo. I knew that. And I valued that. Over time, I'd come to love Kou for who he was, and not because he reminded me of my brother. Now I didn't think there was anything that could tear me away from him. Even being away from his side at this very moment was difficult, because I hated to think that while I was away, my prince might need me, and I wouldn't be able to protect him. It made me walk a little faster, but it also made me think a little bit differently as well.

We went a little bit further in silence before I finally asked, "You really…think of him that way?"

Cho Hakkai laughed a bit, "I'm afraid so."

"I didn't realize…"

"Well, it's not exactly common knowledge. Most men don't openly their relationship with their best friend."

Now I felt a little like an asshole. I had just assumed that because my brother was a hanyou, there was no way he could have found in someone else what I'd found in Kou. What was even worse was that I'd sincerely been trying to separate him from his friends ever since Ryptcore came along; even if I'd told myself it was because I didn't want him to get hurt, it was selfish. Maybe I was just letting my jealousy get the best of me. I thought of how I'd seen Gojyo act with his friends, hanging off them and rough-housing with them and laughing and teasing them. It was exactly the way he'd used to act with me, back when we were kids, as soon as his obnoxious personality began to set in. The only difference then had been that I was the only person he'd done that with. In the whole town, I was the only one he'd been that close to, because it was just me who'd overlooked the scandal, my father's sin, and Gojyo's heritage. I was the only one who'd picked him up and said 'I'll love this kid anyway'. He had needed me. For years I'd been _everything._ His friend, his brother, his teacher, his parent, his leader, his ally, his protector, his comfort, his safety, his warmth, his confidant, his strength, his hope, his joy and his love. I might as well have been the sun, the moon and the stars too. I had been his whole world.

And now, because of the decision I'd had to make, because of the consequences of what I'd done, I'd lost my spot of veneration and love in his heart and mind. I was practically a stranger to him now, and when I looked at him, I didn't know him. Hakkai was right—I didn't know what Gojyo was like anymore. I didn't know how he'd changed or what had caused those changes, but I couldn't think of him the way I had when we were children, because that Gojyo was gone. Because I had let that Gojyo go.

Maybe he'd looked for me after that, and maybe he hadn't. I had no way of knowing now. In the end though, one way or another, he'd moved on from what we'd been, and he'd replaced me. He had a whole new world.

_'…yeah, I'm sticking by my choice too…'_

Somewhere in my heart, that hurt a little, knowing that the Sanzo Ikkou meant more to him than I did. Knowing that Cho Hakkai had taken my place as his brother and confidant, _did_ make me feel insanely jealous. I wanted to tell him that he didn't know anything about Gojyo, that I'd known him before Hakkai even knew Gojyo was alive, that I'd fed him, nursed him when he was sick, and taught him to read and write, and practically raised him. But what difference did it make when that Gojyo that I'd practically raised was gone?

Maybe what really was hurting me was the knowledge that Cho Hakkai knew the new Gojyo—the true Gojyo—better than I did.

But, should I let that jealousy run rampant and start destroying things? Should I let it control me? Shouldn't I let it go now?

In the end, I'd made my choice, and there was nothing in the world that would convince me to abandon Kou, so I couldn't switch sides, not even for Gojyo, so had I honestly expected him to leave Hakkai and the others just because of me?

_Someday…I better start to wise up._

We had come to the inn where Sanzo was staying, so I stopped, sort of expecting to see Kou there somewhere, waiting for me. I didn't see him, but I tried not to worry, looked up at the building, "This is it. As far as I know, Sanzo's inside."

"Ah, yes. Thank-you very much." He was already walking away.

I watched him for a second, still feeling guilty and stupid. I mumbled after him, "You're welcome. And hey, good luck."

"I'm sure I'll need it."

With that, he was gone, and I walked away to find Kou. He wasn't that far away. I just had to walk through the shadows and the alleys, out to the edge of town, where the lights of the buildings glowed in a circle behind me, like a camp fire, and Kou was sitting out there, in the dark, keeping watch over the hills and the stretching grasslands around us.

"Welcome back." He greeted me without looking up. "Did you find the kid?"

"Yeah. He's with Lei and Gojyo now."

"Then Sanzo and his party are reunited?"

"No. Not exactly. Not _yet_. Probably by morning."

"Hn. It makes me nervous, having them scattered around."

"Me too." I studied his face in the moonlight, thinking about the things Cho Hakkai had said, still wondering if someone had told him to say that to me. All those things were the things I felt for Kou, the reasons I couldn't leave Kou, but Kou wasn't my brother. He was my friend, and my master, I'd follow him anywhere, and I really loved him. Right now…I just felt so…conflicted.

"If the DethBreed struck right now, we'd probably have to deal with them by ourselves."

"You think it's that bad?"

"It seems like the four of them are on the edge of falling apart completely."

And if that team of noisy, idiotic kids fell apart, what would happen to my brother?

"We can't help them." Kou decided, quietly.

"You mean we _shouldn't_ help them. They're on the other side."

I knew I wasn't fooling anyone, but I didn't want him to even think that my loyalty to him could be compromised.

"Sides? In this ordeal, the sides are very blurry, I think. I don't particularly want a world full of chaos either, Dokugakuji, and I certainly don't want to see what the world would be like if that _bitch_ was in control. But… You know the reasons for why I do what I do."

All for his mother's sake. Kou's devotion to family was boundless, and I was a little jealous of that quality. I wished I'd had a little more connection to my own family. I wished I wasn't totally estranged from the only family I had left now.

Shrugging that thought off, I answered, "None of that matters to me, Kou. I'll do anything you want me to do, because I'm on _your_ side, no matter what."

He sat still a second longer, and then jerked his head in a nod, froze again. With a snarl, he was on his feet, moving forward a few steps, stalking like a tiger.

"Kou?"

Again, he stopped, hair hackling, body rigid.

"Kougaiji? What's wrong?"

"Look."

I stared out across the dark and the distance, toward the east, and for a long while, nothing moved. The land was ink-dark, even under the waxing moon. "What? I don't see any-"

"Sh."

After a handful of seconds, a light appeared in the distance, orange and wavering. Then another. And another. It wasn't long before there was an entire string of quivering lights, like torches, stretching across the horizon.

A chill sped down my spine as I moved to stand next to Kou. "What is that?"

He didn't answer, and we kept watching as more and more lights appeared, marching steadily toward the town. They were still miles away, so it might take them half the night to get here, but they were definitely coming our way.

Kou trembled beside me, his voice as dark as the night, soft and angry. "Perfect timing."

_Shit._

That damn field trip had better get their act together.

* * *

**Sanzo**

As time dragged on, it seemed like doing this with no one but Goku was a little bit…awkward. That didn't make sense, because I was used to being on my own with Goku all the time, and the fact that it didn't make sense annoyed me. Maybe it was because he wasn't acting exactly himself.

The monkey talked like he was one-hundred-percent sure that Hakkai and Gojyo were going to come waltzing back in like nothing had happened, problem free and ready to move out, but I wasn't oblivious to the fact that he was constantly looking over his shoulder for them, or that he wasn't being his cheerful, happy-go-lucky self. I had noticed that he was nervous.

_Nothing to be nervous about._ I thought, lighting another cigarette. It was just a matter of being prepared and never letting our guards down.

Even now, he wasn't acting completely normal. We were sitting in the tavern at the inn we'd checked into. I'd finished eating several minutes ago, and now Goku was eating by himself, quietly, of all the unheard of things. He looked like he barely knew what to do with himself, not having anyone to fight over food with. Throughout the day, when he whined about being hungry, I knew it was all directed at me, and me alone, and even that was a little irritating. Those two idiots were supposed to be around to bear some of the burden of having to hear his incessant bitching. Those two idiots were supposed to-

No. I couldn't even let myself _think_ about those misfits. I was never going to see them again, and that was fine by me.

I wasn't happy with the losers they'd been replaced by either. Kougaiji and his partner hanging around was very annoying to me. They were just sort of there, but I didn't feel like they were there for any real purpose. It had been days since we'd seen Ryptcore, and they hadn't even been there when Goku and I fought the DethBreed. I don't know why those two thought they'd be of any help. I wished they'd shove all their well-meaning nonsense up their own asses. After all, _if_ Ryptcore came back, I couldn't count on them to help. Why should I trust my number one enemy to help us out when my own team mates had already….

_Stop thinking about them._

I refused to care one way or another about whether or not tweedle-dee and tweedle-_dumb_ ever came back. They could both go straight to hell. In the mean time, maybe I should look into getting a different form of transportation. I did have to say one thing about thing one and thing two not being around, and that was that not having Jeep was a major inconvenience.

Not a problem. Just an inconvenience.

That stupid, selfish Hakkai. It was his fault this was happening, so he could have at least left the car with me. Never mind that I barely knew how to drive. Getting to India was the only thing that mattered. Damn him.

Gojyo being gone was just a relief no matter how I looked at it. I didn't have to see his stupid, irritating face, and I didn't have to hear his obnoxious voice, or put up with the smell of his disgusting brand of cigarettes.

_They can both go to hell._

Stop_ thinking about them._

The most frustrating thing by far was that our path was blocked, and our route was compromised. Goku was injured. I tried to tell myself that it was good to have come back here to regroup, but I was nervous.

_As if there's anyone to regroup._

Goku was tireless. I was sick of having to entertain him all day, alone.

It was almost helpful that Lei had come along. She talked to him and walked with him and kept him company. Let _her_ be the one to listen to him bitch about being hungry.

Of course, she'd probably find the kid she was looking for and go about her business. Just as well. I couldn't afford to have any extra baggage right now.

"Hey, Sanzo!" Goku practically shouted across the table, even though it was so small we might as well have been face-to-face. "Let's order dessert!"

"You actually expect me to waste money on something as trivial as dessert?"

"Why not? Dessert's good."

"Just finish eating, Goku." I rubbed the bridge of my nose, trying to massage away the headache that was coming on again. As soon as this awkward, little meal was over, I was going up to the room to go to sleep, and for once I wasn't going to hear _anyone_ make fun of me for going to bed so early. I wasn't going to put up with some immature idiot telling me I was an old man. If Goku wanted to say something about it, I was going to smack him.

Tiredly, I realized it was going to be hard to get Goku to go to bed this early. He was still all wound up—walking all day didn't faze him in the slightest—and now there was no one to fool around with him until he was tired.

_Damn you two idiots._

Selfish from beginning to end. How I wished I'd never met those two idiots. How I'd love to find them and-

"Hey." Goku said, a little bit softer, "That guy over there…"

"What _now_?" It had better not be an enemy. I wasn't in the mood for a fight, but then again…blowing someone's head off might make me feel better. In the way of heads to blow off, I definitely had my preferences, but I'd settle for anyone right about now.

"He…kinda' looks like Hakkai."

I frowned at him, almost told him to stop mentioning _those people_, and then suddenly decided I'd better take a look, just so, when he was wrong, as he definitely had to be, I'd have a good excuse to hit him with the fan.

I turned around in my chair, and saw what he was talking about, immediately. The man who'd just come through the tavern door was the exact height and build of Hakkai, with the exact hairstyle and color, face and eyes, but…his demeanor was completely wrong. The way he was walking, the way he conducted himself…it just wasn't right. He looked too wild to be Hakkai, as if being inside the room bothered him, and he was much, much too nervous. Hakkai was about a hundred times more collected than the guy walking toward us, who was glancing around the room and over his shoulder every two seconds.

Jeep was sitting on his shoulder, like he belonged there. Obviously he'd mistaken this imposter for Hakkai just like Goku had. A couple of dumb animals.

"Sanzo." Goku hissed, "It _is_ Hakkai."

"No. It's just some strung-out look-alike."

"But Sanzo!"

The longer I watched the man, the surer I felt that it couldn't possibly be Hakkai. He wasn't even dressed like him. He had a plain, white t-shirt on, not the normal, green garb. I didn't see his glasses either.

"It's not him." I insisted.

Goku frowned—about as much as Goku _could_ frown—and then suddenly sat up straight, waving his arm and calling out, "Hey, Hakkai! Ya' made it!"

Hakkai's wannabe look-alike came toward us. He smiled like Hakkai would, but it didn't look quite sincere. Like the rest of him, it seemed hurried, nervous, and a little wild.

And then I could sense it, his aura. I don't know how I'd missed it before, unless it was just because it was so inflated that it was swallowing everything else I could sense. It was a hot, heavy, raging feeling, chaotic, powerful and depthless, and then I knew it was Hakkai; it was an enlarged, enflamed, overpowering version of how Hakkai felt on a day by day basis. More than that though, it was completely demonic, and it put me on edge immediately.

He came and stood beside our table, a respectful distance away, I thought, which was sinister in its own way, because he was _supposed_ to be on our side. "Ah, Sanzo, Goku. Hello."

Goku bounced out of his chair immediately, and if he noticed how freakishly unnatural Hakkai's chi was, he didn't let on, "Man, am I glad ta' see you. I told ya' they'd come back, Sanzo. Didn't I? He didn't believe me, Hakkai, but I knew ya' would. And you're okay! Ya' look normal an' stuff."

While he was babbling away, I reached into my robe and found my gun, set it nonchalantly on my lap, and looked up at him. "What are you doing here?"

The fake smile slid off Hakkai's face, and he reached up to pat Jeep's head, rather than looking at me. "Goodness, Sanzo. That's quite the question, isn't it? I should think my reason for coming here would be perfectly obvious."

"Well it isn't, so explain yourself. Before I put a bullet in your head."

Both of them stared at me. Goku stammered, "H-hey, Sanzo…?"

"Goku, leave us alone."

The monkey didn't move. He looked pretty determined to stay right where he was, even though I had no idea what he thought he could accomplish if he did.

"You heard me, monkey. Go outside."

Hakkai smiled at him, pleasantly, "It's all right, Goku. Here, why don't you take Jeep with you?"

Goku still looked reluctant, but he glanced at me, took Jeep from Hakkai's shoulder, and headed for the door, checking over his shoulder several times as he went.

As soon as he was gone, I repeated, "What are you doing here, Hakkai?"

"Really now, Sanzo. You're being even more hostile than usual, don't you think? May I sit down? I've had a rather long day."

I looked him up and down, noticing the blood staining clothes and hands. Some of it looked relatively fresh, and I hated to think that he might have recently made a kill.

"Where's Gojyo?" I demanded.

"Gojyo? Why… Gojyo's…with a woman, though I'm not sure of _where_ exactly, at the moment."

"That sounds like a pretty vague answer. After everything that happened, you'd think he'd be with _you_, right here."

"Yes. Well…he didn't really care to see you, Sanzo."

"Hmph. That's great, because I don't really care to see him either. In fact, I don't know why I bothered asking—it's none of my business what happened to him."

"What makes you think _anything_ happened to him?" I'd have to be stupid not to hear all the guilt in his voice.

"You're covered in blood—that's a start."

Hakkai frowned. It was darker than usual, and I tightened my hold on my gun. "I didn't kill him, if that's what you mean. To be fully honest, I'm a bit tired of everyone just assuming I would kill Gojyo so easily."

"After what you did, I wouldn't take it so personally."

His expression grew even darker, but he must not have had any way to defend himself, because he didn't.

"Fine then. So whose blood is it?"

"Gojyo's."

"Is that supposed to be _funny_, Hakkai?"

"I can't imagine anything about being covered in Gojyo's blood being funny. However, it's not what you think. We encountered that youkai woman after leaving you; Gojyo was badly injured. I had to heal him. Is that a sufficient enough explanation?"

"Feh. Sounds like that idiot got exactly what he bargained for." From the look and feel of Hakkai, Gojyo was lucky to be alive at all. If he really was in the first place.

"Unfortunately, yes. I believe that's true. Might I sit down now, Sanzo? As I already mentioned, I'm quite tired."

"You can keep standing. I'm not in the habit of sitting around with berserk youkai."

Hakkai flinched, like I'd slapped him, but again, he didn't bother to object. Did that mean I was right? He was wearing his limiter. Could he just be _pretending_ not to be berserk? It was too tense of a situation for me to risk assuming anything else.

"For the last time now, why in the hell are you here? A straight answer this time."

"I came to see you, of course."

"How did you know I was here?"

"Dokugakuji showed me."

"And what did you expect to accomplish by coming to see me?"

"Well…why wouldn't I come to see you? We are still on the same side, aren't we?"

"Are we? You're the one who went nuts and ran out on me."

"I…" The guilt was there again, barely concealed under manners and patience, "I did what I thought was best at the moment. I didn't mean to leave permanently."

"You should have stayed away regardless."

"Oh? And why is that?"

I glanced around the room, all too aware of how public a place this was. If I had to defend myself, or if I had to fire for some reason, it could get a little messy. "You _know_ why."

Of course, now that he was here, that could mean that he wasn't exactly berserk yet. I might still be able to help him. His aura was out of control, even with the limiter on, and his eyes were wild, but it might not be too late. What could I do though? How could I help him before it _was_ too late?

"Well, far be it from me to expect to know my own mind, but I don't think I'm berserk just yet."

"You don't think so?"

"Not particularly."

"Then would you mind explaining what the other night was about?"

"It seems as though any violent stimulation is liable to throw me into a state of chaos."

_How promising._

"In case you didn't notice, Hakkai, our mission is nothing _but_ violent stimulation. We're not out to protect wildlife and adopt kittens, you know."

He studied me momentarily, "Are you honestly telling me to stay away, Sanzo?"

"Maybe I am. Figure it out yourself."

"I beg your pardon, but if I may, you not exactly in a situation where you can spurn the help of your own comrades. That would be foolish."

"I don't need comrades who are going to act like enemies."

Hakkai sighed, "No, of course not."

"You must have known that when you showed up here. I can't imagine why you bothered to come in the first place."

"Because, believe it or not, I _am_ still your comrade, and I wanted to make sure you and Goku are both doing all right."

"I don't remember asking you to care about that."

"It hardly matters, wouldn't you agree? Very well then, let's discuss something else. Have you seen any sign of the DethBreed lately?"

"Since you killed that half-wit? We had a brief encounter with them in the next town west of here. Not that it's really any of your business."

"Hm. I can't imagine why it wouldn't be my business, Sanzo. If Ryptcore comes across me he'll try to kill me over my association with you. In all seriousness though, I was quite concerned for the two of you when I heard that he burnt down a town not far from here. I'm glad to see you're both all right."

I ground my cigarette out, keeping one eye on him at all times, thought of the flames we'd seen that evening, the horrible evidence that Ryptcore had set another town on fire, killing who knows how many people?

"I feel it's safe to assume that this town is next."

He couldn't be more right, seeing how this town was directly between the two towns Ryptcore had already razed, but I just said, "I'll deal with that if it happens."

"Yes, but, don't you think it would be wisest to put all of our eggs in one basket and-"

"Maybe if you weren't going to turn on me at the first sign of 'violent stimulation' we could actually do that."

Once again, it looked like he'd been slapped, and he didn't say anything for a moment. I tried not to let it bother me. In the end, all that mattered was that I had to keep the mission from falling apart."

"Then." He went on in a careful tone, "What about Gojyo?"

"What about him?"

"The three of you against Ryptcore would fair better than just the two of you, I believe."

"It's debatable whether or not having that idiot around would help, but either way, it doesn't matter unless he _wants_ to help us. He's not some brat we have joint custody over. He's a sick, stubborn, selfish, little bastard."

"Yes, I suppose that's somewhat true. Er, the custody part, that is."

"Then again, if he keeps hanging around with you, he's probably going to get himself killed. That's the only reason you'd even bring it up."

"Not necessarily. I think his chance of surviving the fight against Ryptcore is as good as his chance of surviving being around me… Come to think of it, I believe that's true of all of you."

"As I said, I have more than enough enemies to deal with already, so excuse me if I don't beg you to come back. If Gojyo wants to come back, I can't stop him. I don't expect it though."

"No. You don't seem to expect much out of any of us." He seemed to be getting impatient with me.

"I know better."

"It goes without saying that I can't change your position on the matter, but never-the-less, I want you to be aware that the two of us will be nearby. I hope that, should Ryptcore and his army attack, we'll be able to assist, but I don't think I can promise that."

"Never mind, Hakkai. You're right; I _don't_ expect anything from any of you."

I guess it was the last straw for him. The frown came back, even darker and more vicious than before, his eyes completely clouding over with anger and ferocity, and he leaned toward me, ever so slightly, "Sanzo-"

My waitress chose that moment to return to my table. She came up behind Hakkai, smiling congenially, laid a hand, innocently, on his shoulder, "Excuse me, sir. Will you be joining-"

With an outraged snarl, Hakkai turned on her, grabbed her wrist, twisting her arm back behind her back, and shoved her into the wall, pinning her there, teeth bared.

I leapt to my feet, snagged him by the shirt collar and jerked him away.

Hakkai crashed into the table, knocking dishes, food, and cigarette butts onto the floor. He clawed at me, catching a fistful of my robe as he fell to the floor, dragging me with him.

For a moment, I felt suspended in time. I could feel myself falling, Hakkai right in my face, with that inhuman, blood thirsty look in his eyes. All eyes in the room were on us. A woman was screaming. I didn't know what Hakkai was going to do when I landed on him, but he'd said it himself. Violent stimulation was bound to send him over the deep end. He was faster than me, and stronger than me, so I needed to get the upper hand in any way I could, because I was at a complete disadvantage.

I fell into him. For a second, we were tangled there on the floor, thrashing back and forth. Hakkai was snarling a little. I felt his hand clamp down on my shoulder.

I got my bearings as quickly as I could, pushed myself up onto my hands and knees so that I was crouching over him, feeling his fingers dig into my skin.

I jammed the barrel of my gun right at his face, the muzzle hovering just a hair's breadth from his forehead.

Hakkai froze, eyes going wide immediately as he stared down the black pipe of the gun.

Everyone else in the tavern was silent.

My trigger finger was itching. My other hand was gripping his wrist for all it was worth.

One wrong move. Just one wrong move. Just the slightest hint of retaliation, and I would have to shoot him. I couldn't afford not to.

_Please, Hakkai…Don't make me shoot you…_

I shoved those thoughts away, spoke firmly, "Let go."

Immediately, he retracted his hand. He didn't take his eyes off me, and he didn't _look_ like he was out for blood.

Hakkai was hard to read even when he was himself. I didn't dare trust that face of his.

He took a sharp breath, which transformed inevitably into my name, "Sanzo-"

But I didn't want to hear it. Whatever pathetic, stupid thing it might be. "Shut up."

I was climbing to my feet. I kept the gun leveled at his head. I struggled to stay calm. One wrong move…

Maybe I shouldn't even wait for that one wrong move. Hakkai was so far gone…absurdly far gone… Maybe to the casual observer, maybe to the simple eye of Goku, maybe to everyone else in the room, he looked normal and human, polite and casual, but the youkai power in him was sweltering, roaring to be unleashed. It could just be a matter of time. Maybe by waiting for the wrong moment, I'd be allowing him to go berserk.

Then again, if I didn't shoot him now, there was a small chance he'd be able to get a hold of himself, and, possibly, go back to being normal, nosey, annoying Hakkai.

There was only one way to find out.

Hakkai stayed on the floor, watching me with a sort of resigned wariness, as if he expected me to shoot him right there, in front of everyone, like a rabid dog. Maybe he thought it was necessary.

"Up." I snarled.

He got up, slowly, raising his hands in a gesture of surrender. "It was a mistake, Sanzo. A simple reaction."

The only one making a mistake here was me. I should have killed him the night he knocked me across the room in Feng's jail.

"I've been on edge. My day has been stressful at best, and I wasn't expecting someone to come up behind me."

It wasn't like Hakkai to make excuses. Still, I felt inclined to believe him, because he'd said in the beginning that he'd had a long day, he'd told me they'd encountered Jade, and he'd said Gojyo had been injured. In light of those things alone, it was probably normal to be nervous and edgy.

If I let him go though, was I going to regret it? Once I lowered my gun, was he going to attack me?

That wasn't a risk I was willing to take.

"Get out." I growled. "Now."

Hakkai lingered a split second, and then nodded, began to back away, hands still raised.

I kept my gun aimed at his head.

No one else in the room moved, unless it was to step out of his way, and then he was by the door, where he hesitated to speak to me, "I'm sorry, Sanzo."

"Just get out of here, Hakkai. Before I change my mind."

Another moment. "My offer still stands." With that, he lowered his hands, turned on his heel, and strode out of the tavern.

I waited until I was sure he was gone before I put my gun away, and then went to pay the tavern check, ignoring all the bewildered looks I was getting. I was just about fed up with people by the time I made my way to the back door and stepped out into the night.

The air was cool and fresh and clean. The night was peaceful. I lit a cigarette to try to calm my nerves.

Damn, what a shitty situation. Hakkai didn't think he was berserk, but he wasn't acting himself by any means. Anyway, not completely. All his surface actions were right…but beneath the façade there was chaos and despair. The chaos made me feel like I should kill him. The despair made me want to help him. I didn't have time for either.

It wasn't a situation I could ignore, especially when…

_No. I don't need him. I don't need any of them—I don't _trust _any of them._

I should have just shot the bastard and been done with it.

I hadn't been standing there very long, when I heard footsteps hurrying up behind me. They stopped just a few feet away.

"Sanzo." Kougaiji's voice hissed.

The hair on the back of my neck stood on end when I heard him. I still couldn't get used to working on the same side as him. We'd never put a ton of sincere effort into actually killing one another, but when the time came, I'd kill him if need be. He was the enemy, and I'd do well not to forget it.

"What?" I asked brusquely. The encounter with Hakkai had left me feeling agitated. More agitated than usual even.

"I'm afraid we have some bad news."

"Great. Let's hear it."

There was the briefest moment of hesitation as he waited, probably just building the damn suspense, and then he said plainly, "Ryptcore is coming."

_Absolutely perfect._


	25. Chapter 25

**Gojyo**

_ Could this day get any longer?_

It seemed like years ago since I'd woken up to Hakkai and Jade standing over me, looking at me like I was just a cut of meat, and ever since that moment, all I'd wanted was to roll over and go back to sleep. But no. I had to fight Hakkai. I had to fight Jade. I had to _fuck_ Jade. Then I had to wrap myself up with shreds of my own clothing, and practically crawl on my hands and knees to find Hakkai, so I'd spent more than half my day in a delirium, not always sure of where I was or what I was looking for, sometimes passing out for more than an hour at a time before I could drag myself back to reality and force myself to keep moving. Looking back, I could hardly believe I made it to this town and actually found Hakkai, just for him to look at me and ask 'what took you so long?'. All of it together was almost more than I could bear, and it was never going to end. I thought when we were standing outside the inn earlier that that would be it. I'd go inside and get to sleep. Then Lei came along.

At least now we'd found Deshi. Maybe I'd finally get to crash out, and maybe Hakkai wouldn't wake me up at the crack of dawn, depending on whether or not he decided to go with Sanzo. I didn't really care about that right now. Whether we went with Sanzo or not didn't really seem like it mattered—the only difference it might make would be that all four of us would be around to deal with Ryptcore, if he showed up, but other than that, it wasn't going to solve anything.

Or maybe I was just feeling pessimistic because my day had sucked so hardcore.

Maybe… I was kind of starting to think this whole thing would never end. So far, I didn't see an end in sight, like it would all just keep going and going until it killed me.

At least if I had some sleep, maybe I'd feel better.

I took a look around, trying not to seem too nervous in front of Lei and the kid. This town was pretty quiet. Night had fallen, so it was dark, the shadows and the alley ways pitch black, nobody was around even though it wasn't that late, and the solitude was making me edgy.

Hopefully Hakkai wouldn't waste too much time talking to Sanzo. It sort of miffed me, just a little bit, that I'd spent all day trying to get to him after I almost died to save his ass, only to have him take off as soon as I found him.

_You were the one who didn't wanna' go talk to Sanzo._

Who could blame me? Sleep or talk to Sanzo. Why in the hell would you pick Sanzo? Ever.

_I'm so fucking tired._

Even after having my wounds healed, I just felt completely drained, from losing blood, or just being awake since two am, or something.

Lei and Deshi were walking close beside me, and Lei had one hand on my arm, the other on Deshi's shoulder, guiding him and keeping him close to her. She was biting her lip, and she looked nervous, and neither of them had said anything in a while. They probably thought I could protect them—little did they know, if anything went wrong right now, I was just going to shrivel up and die.

"Do we really have to go home?" Deshi asked suddenly.

Lei sighed, "Yes, Deshi."

"But why?"

"Because…we're hanyou. We don't belong in the outside world."

I'd never heard anybody put it out there, completely blunt, like that. I was sort of surprised she said it to the kid, not even trying to soften the blow or anything. I almost wanted to argue with her, but I didn't know what good it would do me, because as far as I knew, she was right. We didn't really belong anywhere.

_Shit._

There was all that garbage about belonging again. It seemed like as long as another hanyou was around, I wasn't going to be able to ignore that kind of bullshit like I normally did. They made me think about it, even when I didn't want to.

Deshi cocked his head and looked around, and even though we were just in some dumpy, little town, he seemed like he didn't quite believe that he didn't deserve to go out and roam the bright, beautiful world, just like everybody else. "Why not?"

Lei sounded incredibly tired, "No one's going to accept us…that's all. We're better off with our own kind."

I wondered if that was true too…

_It's not too late to go back with them, I guess. It's not too late to forget about the minus wave, and the revival, and the damn quest. It's not too late to go off and play house with Lei and pretend I don't know any better. Just like they all expected me to._

Deshi grabbed onto my jacket suddenly, "So are you coming back with us, Gojyo?"

I tried not to snap at him, rubbed my forehead instead, with the hand Lei wasn't hanging off of. "Nn. I don't think so, kid."

"You're not?"

"Nah."

"Why not?"

"…'Cause I don't…really…belong there…"

Deshi looked up at Lei like he was totally confused, but she just said, "That's sort of true, isn't it?"

I wasn't expecting that. I was totally expecting her to get on my case about it—I was really tired of everyone getting on my case about where I should go, and what I should do, and where I _belonged_—so it threw me for a total loop when she said that, and I turned to gawk at her.

"I've been thinking about some of the things your friends told me." She said quietly, "And I decided I was wrong to try to put you in a box like that…even if it was just because I wanted to be with you."

Her face flushed a little. It was super cute, and I suddenly wished I weren't so tired, because this might be my last honest chance to get down and dirty with Lei.

"I'm sorry, Gojyo."

"My friends…? The guys? What'd they say?"

Instead of answering, she said, "They actually care about you. I didn't think it was possible."

"You are talking about _the guys_, right?"

"I guess it makes sense though… Why would you stay with us when you've got them?"

"Sex?"

"Don't be shallow. You know I'm being serious."

"Baby, I'm nothing if not shallow." I yawned.

"Gojyo—"

Whatever she was going to say got lost when Deshi stopped, stomping his feet, like a damn brat, and shouted, "This's so stupid! It's not fair! Gojyo's like us and he's not coming back to the village! Why can't I go with him?"

We both stopped to turn back and look at him.

"It's not fair!" He screamed again.

As much alike as we looked, I knew right then that we didn't have a damn thing in common. I'd never wasted my breath bitching about how unfair it was—I'd always known no one cared.

"Deshi." Lei put on her best mom voice. "You've got to try to understand, sweetie."

"I _don't_ understand." His eyes were starting to water, and he looked right at me, sounding sort of desperate, "All I wanna' do is go with you, Gojyo!"

"Yeah. I know." I muttered, not sure what else to tell him.

"Just say I can go! Please? Just tell Lei it's all right if I go with you!"

"It's not up to me, pal—if Lei says you can't go, you can't go."

He stared at us, defiantly, and pulled out the greatest ten-year-old line ever, "She's not my mom. I don't have to listen to her. If you say I can go, then-"

"You can't."

He gaped at me like he couldn't believe I'd said that, like he'd been completely sure that I would say yes, that it would overrule what Lei was telling him, and he'd get to bring his broken, little kama stick and follow me around the world as I fought psychotic youkai. His lips started to quiver, his voice cracked. "Why not?!"

"Because, you just can't, okay? We don't have room for you. And I can't be looking over my shoulder twenty-four-seven to make sure you keep up. I don't have time to protect you. Alright?"

Holy hell, did _I_ say that? I glanced around just to make sure Sanzo wasn't there, speaking instead of me. We were alone, so I guess it must have been me.

I didn't mean for it all to sound that harsh, but I was tired and annoyed already, and I didn't want to hear a ten-year-old scream about how unfair life was. He didn't know the half of it.

Deshi looked totally shocked for a second, and then he looked heart broken, "B-but…Gojyo…I just wanna'…"

I tried to tone it down a little, "Listen, kiddo', I know you wanna' go, and…I wish I could say yes, but I'm not on some kinda' vacation. Where I'm goin', it's dangerous, and I got enough to worry about just looking after myself. You got it?"

He just sniffed a little.

I sighed, "Desh. Believe me. You're gonna' grow up some day, and when you do, you'll be able to go wherever you want and do whatever you want, and even if people like us _don't_ belong in the outside world, you don't have to let that stop you. You don't have to listen to what other people think of you—you just gotta' find somebody who accepts you, and then you can be whoever you wanna' be.

"But right now, you're just a kid, and yeah, you gotta' listen to what people tell you, because they don't want anything to happen to you."

"Being a kid sucks balls." He sniffed.

I fought the urge to laugh, and said, "Naw, don't think like that. You gotta' have fun being a kid while you can." Even though I completely agreed with him. Being a kid sucked more than balls. Being helpless and worthless and unwanted and vulnerable was the worst thing in the world, and fortunately, Deshi would probably never find that out, thanks to people like Seiji and Lei and me.

With a sigh, I added, "It's just a matter of time before you grow up and have to act responsible and have all kinds of crap to worry about. That's why you gotta' have fun while you can. You got it?"

They were both looking at me. Deshi wiped his nose on his sleeve and nodded a little. I got the feeling Lei was sort of impressed with me.

Hakkai would probably be impressed too. I didn't realize I could say anything so damn grown up.

At last, Deshi asked smally, "Will I ever get to see you again?"

I grinned at him, "Well, yeah, I don't see why not. I mean maybe not really soon, but some day, yeah. We'll see each other again."

He smiled a little bit too. "Okay."

There. I'd bullshitted the fuck out of him and lied through my teeth, just to get him to calm down and stop whining. Maybe I was capable of acting like an adult after all.

"Okay. Now c'mon. Let's go back to the inn, order some room service and land some sleep."

The smile brightened just slightly, and then he took a step toward me.

I reached my hand out to him.

He started to take it.

Something that felt a lot like a small tornado rushed past my face, blowing my hair around and nearly knocking me off balance. I saw a quick, black blur and a flourish of long hair, all in a flash that my brain could barely register, and then Deshi was gone.

Not even kidding. He was standing there one second, and the next. Boom. He vanished.

Lei and me both stood there like idiots for a moment, and then we turned to look around.

Lei called, voice quivering, "Deshi?"

A freezing, familiar voice laughed, from somewhere up above us, calling out, "Aw, now look what we have here. Isn't this precious?"

"Jade…Jade, you bitch!" I had my shakujou in hand immediately, turning and turning in circles, neck craned to look up, but I didn't see her, and her voice was coming from everywhere. "Give him back!"

"All in due time, sweet heart." This time it seemed like she was right next to me.

I whirled around, fighting the urge to take a slash at her, just because I didn't want to hurt Deshi. "Where are you?!"

Lei stepped closer to me, breasts brushing against my arm. "Gojyo…"

"I see you survived anyway. I knew you would—you're so resilient."

"Jade!"

Finally, she emerged from the shadows. She was just a few feet away, swathed in black, with her eyes glowing, one arm around Deshi's neck, claws splayed and ready to rip flesh from bones. The kid's eyes were huge and full of pure terror, his skin looked totally white.

Lei gasped, started to take a step forward, but I held her back. "Let him go."

Jade just laughed, "Oh, the three of you are so adorable, just like a family. An abominable, little family. Look. We have the sweet, beautiful, young mother, the incompetent, but none-the-less brave, little daddy, and last but not least." She ran the back of her hand along Deshi's jaw, "This spirited, adventurous, pure-hearted child. It's touching."

He whimpered.

"Goddammit, Jade, just let him go!" I shouted.

Jade grinned, stuck her tongue out at me, "You know, Gojyo. They look up to you so much—they honestly believe a screw up like you can protect them—what in the world would they do…if something happened to you?"

I clenched my shakujou tighter. This day was just getting better and better; I didn't want to fight Jade _again_, I was too damn tired for that, but it was looking like I didn't have a choice.

"Bring it on, you fuckin' whore. If you wanna' fight, let's fight, but leave the kid out of it."

"Now, now. Who said anything about fighting?"

I glanced up and down the street as quickly as I could. They were still totally empty, which was for the best, I guess. The last thing I needed was for some well-meaning people to come along and get involved.

"Looking for _him_? Don't bother. He's not going to save you this time."

"Oh shut up. You think you're so damn tough, so put your money where your mouth is and let's go."

"I already told you, I'm not interested in fighting you, Gojyo. You're too easy to break."

"Then what the fuck-"

She laughed a little more, "This boy…" She ran his hair through her fingers, and he shuddered, "His hair. It's the same color as blood. Wouldn't you agree?"

My own blood ran cold at those words.

Deshi whined again.

"Don't even think about it, you fuckin' slut." I hissed, breathlessly.

Lei's fingernails were digging into my arm, leaving little, bloody marks. "Gojyo."

Everyone was whining at me. Everyone was waiting for me to save the day. Me. Gojyo. The fuck up.

"Gojyo." Deshi choked, "Help."

"Hang on, kid." I wanted to do something. I should be attacking. One well-aimed pitch of the shakujou, and I could have her head rolling across the ground, even if I was exhausted.

Except, I'd seen how strong Jade was earlier, and I knew exactly how fast she was. If I took the risk and I missed, she'd kill him, and there'd be nothing I could do about it. My mind raced as I tried to think of some way to get him out of there, but I had a horrible feeling that no matter what I did, I couldn't save him. I wasn't sure I was fast enough. One sling of the shakujou wasn't going to finish the Asahara off, and I knew it.

Jade grinned, like she knew what I was thinking, her teeth forming a brutal gash across her face. "Gojyo. I tried to warn you."

"Just don't do this, okay…"

"Or what?"

I took a deep, deep breath, "You touch one hair on that kid's head, I swear I'll tear you limb from fucking limb."

She threaded her fingers through his hair, claws and all.

The kid was shaking like a leaf, but other than that, he stayed totally still, like maybe he could tell she wanted to kill him.

"He looks like you, don't you think? But…all you abominations look alike to me."

"Fuck you. Let him go."

"All he needs are a few scars…"

"Don't-"

She kept her eyes leveled on my own as she dragged her claws down his cheek, starting under the corner of his eye and ending at his jaw, carving a pair of twin, bloody lines into his face.

I watched in horror.

Deshi started to cry, blood dripping off his chin as she dragged her nails raggedly through his skin.

It was a fucked up nightmare, popping up and dragging me back to that day, eleven years ago. Back to earlier today, when she'd ripped the scars on my face open. Deep inside, I felt a shudder, and I thought for sure I'd throw up all over my own boots.

"There, see? He could be your long, lost, little brother."

"Oh my God!" Lei cried.

"Jade, you bitch!" I started forward—to hell with it all—I was going to rip her to pieces.

"Ah-ah." Her hand was at his throat again, "One wrong move and I'll snap his neck."

Ignoring her, I kept marching, slung my sickle at her, aiming right above Deshi's head. I was too pissed off to do anything else.

Jade ducked to the side, fluidly, fading into a shadow and then back out of it, and laughed, "You just didn't want to listen, did you?"

There was a spray of blood, and Deshi screamed wildly, in pain. His crying increased too, turning from ragged sobs to loud wailing and begging.

"Gojyo!" Lei caught my arm, "Stop!"

Jade's hideous laughter rang through the alley, echoing around us, and she seemed to be fading back, her hand bathed in red.

Deshi was struggling, futilely.

"Didn't I tell you, Gojyo? There's nothing you can do!" She cried, gleefully.

I swallowed hard. What could I do? Move and she'd kill him. Wait too long, she'd kill him anyway. Now he was bleeding, and I didn't know how bad, and I didn't know if I'd be able to save him no matter what happened. I was in a lose-lose situation, and the only thing I could think to do was beg,

I licked my lips, tasting blood on them and feeling how busted open and swollen they were, remembering that she'd done this to me herself. I didn't even want to think about what she could do to Deshi. "Jade…c'mon. I get it. You wanna' dick with me and put me in my place and remind me I'm worthless, but don't punish _him_ for it. Just…just kill _me_ instead."

At last, she looked interested, her green eyes starting to sparkle, "You mean you'd give up your life for this brat?"

"Maybe…" I muttered. If anything, maybe she'd let her guard down and I'd get an opening.

"What about your friends?"

"What about them?"

She studied me for a second before saying, in a soft, mocking voice, "You're much more noble than I expected, mutt. It fascinates me that people like you exist in the first place. It's unnatural to be so kind-hearted."

"Say whatever you want about me—just don't kill an innocent kid for nothing."

I was appealing to any goodness she had inside her. It was the only thing I could do.

I shook free of Lei and stepped forward.

Lei gasped my name again.

I spread my arms so they could all see I was surrendering, "If you want me dead, bitch, come and kill me."

Jade watched me a moment longer before the smile came back, darker than before, "oh, mark my words, I am going to kill you, Sha Gojyo. For your impertinence. For your naivety. For your _goodness_. But it won't be today."

There was a loud, sickening crack, splitting through the silence and the darkness. Deshi's eyes got even wider. He thrased back and forth, screaming, blood pouring from his mouth.

"Deshi!"

Jade said calmly, "Just so there's no wondering about it later, Gojyo, this _is_ your fault. I wouldn't have killed him if you had just listened to me and minded your own affairs."

Her hand burst suddenly through his chest, claws immerging, drenched in red, like a skeleton's hand.

He went totally limp, choking on his own blood, eyes glazing over.

His heart was in her hand, still beating.

I convulsed. Out of terror. Out of disgust. Whatever it was, I thought it would make me fall over.

"DESHI!" Lei wailed, droping to her knees, "Oh, God, no! Nooo!"

Jade ripped his heart back through him, dropped his still twitching body, disrespectfully; she lifted his small, bleeding heart to her lips and took a bite, crimson smearing across her mouth. "Mm. Tastes almost human."

"You bitch! You fucking bitch!" With nothing left to hold me back, flung the sickle at her again, the chain rattling through the air, screaming so loud my voice rang through the whole city. "You bitch—I'll kill you!"

She darted out of the way at the last second, just like I knew she would, jumped high into the air and floated there a moment. Deshi's blood was on her lips. She dropped his heat, irreverently, spoke all too calmly, "Consider this your last warning, Sha Gojyo. Next time, I'll hold _your_ heart in my hand, Cho Hakkai, or no Cho Hakkai."

Then she vanished in a puff.

Immediately, Lei and I surged forward, ran to Deshi's side, all but collapsed there, hands falling over his face and his chest, feeling his pallid skin, shaking him, trembling fingers petting his hair, and my voice was saying, "No. No. Shit. No. God, no. Deshi! Desh? Deshi, wake up!"

_Idiot. She ripped out his heart. There's no waking up from that._

It looked like he was still alive, almost. His eyes were wide open, staring at nothing. There was a fist-sized black hole in the middle of his chest, blood streaming down his shirt. I took him in my arms anyway, felt how light and withered he was, "This…this can't be…happening…" I could barely breathe. Every gulp of air was painful. My lungs felt like they'd burst. "No… No. No way. No!"

Lei staggered up next to me, fell down again. I could see that she was trembling all over. "Deshi…" She stroked his face. She petted his hair. She started to cry, wailing and sobbing and choking, "Deshi. Why? Why? Why?"

_Because of me…I know it's because of me._

We were there a while. I don't know how long—maybe an hour, maybe a day. Forever, it felt like, as if we were waiting for him to wake up and smile at us and just be alive. Eventually though, I had to lay him down and close his eyes and take off my jacket and cover his body with it. I could barely believe he was gone.

The solitude pressed in all around me, making the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. I felt like something inside of me was starting to shut down, and I didn't know how to stop it. After a while, I stopped talking, stopped breathing, stopped begging, and I just stared down at him in disbelief, sitting half-naked in the cold and the dark, looking down at a corpse that almost looked like my own body.

Lei kept crying. Even when I finally lifted Deshi and stood up again and started to carry him, she followed me, like a lost, little girl, crying and crying and crying, sometimes holding onto me, sometimes drifting yards behind.

I don't remember much that happened after that. We got a shovel somehow, and we took him just outside the town where I buried him in a small, unmarked grave, and when I was done, that was all I was aware of. Not the effort it took to dig it. Not the pain it caused my broken ribs. Not the blood and the dirt on my clothes and skin. Just that he was dead and it was over, and it was my fault.

We stood at his grave with the moon and the clouds drifting over us. I still felt like I couldn't breathe. It felt like I was drowning in concrete.

Lei hung off me and sobbed against my shoulder, "What am I going to do? How-how am I…going to tell everyone…he's dead…?"

"It's my fault." I said to the quiet and the dark. I was barely speaking to her. "It's because of me."

"Gojyo…no…"

I choked, "G-go ahead and say it, Lei." I shuddered. I couldn't quite hold back a sob. "This is my fault."

"Gojyo…" She put her hand on my arm, leaned her head against my shoulder, "That woman is insane, Gojyo. She-"

For the first time in my life, I pulled away from the embrace of a woman.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I walked into your town and ruined everything. I'm sorry I fucked everything up." Tears were burning my eyes, threatening to run down my face now, and I could barely hold them back.

_Don't start that shit now. Not now. Don't you dare…_

"She shoulda' killed me instead. I told her. I tried to. I _tried_, Lei."

"I know, Gojyo."

"No. No, I hesitated. Maybe if I'd done something. Maybe if I'd tried harder…maybe I coulda' saved him."

"It isn't your fault. I know you tried."

It wasn't good enough. I needed someone to bust my balls for this. I needed someone to blame me.

I turned away from her suddenly, started to walk back into town, not even saying a word to Lei

She followed me a little ways, and she tried to talk to me. She asked where I was going. She asked if I was okay. I never answered. I hardly knew what to say. It wasn't as if I had some deep, emotional connection to Deshi. But I'd gotten him killed. First I got his town destroyed, and now this. He only came out here to find me. If he hadn't, he'd still be alive. He'd be safe.

Nothing I did could make up for that. Even if I found Jade and I killed her over and over and over…nothing would make this all right.

After a while, I realized I was alone, wandering the streets of an unfamiliar town. All by myself. I couldn't remember if I lost Lei, or left her behind, or if she just walked away from me, fed up with how pathetic I was being, or if I told her to leave me alone. All I knew was alone and I was by myself, and there was no way to atone for what I'd done.

Suddenly being tired and hurt didn't matter anymore. I didn't dare go back to the inn and go to bed and try to sleep. I knew that any sleep I got would be drenched in one horrific nightmare after another.

No. There was nothing I could do this time. Nothing anywhere could drown the empty feeling in me. All I knew was, it should have been me. Jade should have taken out my heart instead.

* * *

**Hakkai**

This truly was an exhausting night. My encounter with Sanzo felt like the very last straw.

When I left him at the inn and went outside, Goku was standing there, humming and playing with Jeep. He looked up and smiled at me when I came out, "Hey, Hakkai."

I smiled back, because I'd missed his cheerfulness and friendliness and his care-free demeanor. "Hello, Goku. How are you?"

"Okay. How'd your talk with Sanzo go?"

"I'm not sure…" I decided not to tell him the true nature of our meeting or the disheartening way it had ended.

He was looking me up and down, "Ya' seem okay. Hey, where's Gojyo?"

"Oh, elsewhere. Probably sleeping by now, if you can believe that."

"Sleepin'? Wha? It's not even midnight."

"Yes, well, we've all had something of a long day."

"Pfft. That wuss."

I smiled at his half-hearted attempt at insulting Gojyo, because I could hear the compassion and the sympathy in his voice.

We stood face to face a while longer before he asked, "You guys gonna' come back an' travel with us again?"

"Yes…eventually. Perhaps not tomorrow though. I'm afraid I still have a few things to get in order."

Goku frowned at that. "Nn. Okay."

"What's the matter?"

"Nothin'. I just…miss ya', I guess."

"I miss you too. I apologize if this incident has caused you any…inconvenience."

"Naw. But, you're okay, right? Ya' don't seem nuts, or nothin'."

"No. I don't seem to be quite _that_ just yet, though I can't say for sure how long that will last."

He nodded a little, and we were quiet again. After a moment, I said, "Well, I hate to be so brief, but I'd best be on my way."

"Alright. When're we gonna' see you guys again?"

"Soon. Don't worry." I rested a hand on his shoulder for a quick second, "Everything will be normal again soon."

"Ya'…really think so?"

"Mmhm. Well." I laughed a bit. "Probably."

"I hope so."

"Don't worry." I repeated. "Now, goodnight, Goku."

"'Night, Hakkai."

I felt a bit guilty as I left him, but I tried to put it out of my mind. After all, I had tried to make amends, and for whatever reason, Sanzo was being tirelessly unreasonable, which I found somewhat uncharacteristic for him. Hopefully, with a bit more time, he'd overcome those feelings in particular. I thought it was inexplicably fortunate that Ryptcore himself hadn't bothered them since my departure, since it sounded as if the two of them had been enough to handle the DethBreed, but I didn't know how long that good fortune would hold up.

As I made my way back to the inn, I was beginning to feel quite exhausted myself. This day had been impossibly long, and I wanted nothing more than for it to be over. I patted Jeep on the head and sighed, legs feeling almost like noodles, eyelids drooping. I yawned and sighed again.

Regardless of my physical fatigue, I reached the inn in record time. Gojyo was probably in bed by now, so there wouldn't even be the opportunity to argue over who got to sleep in it. Just as well. I wondered, vaguely if he'd given the bed to Lei and Deshi. It seemed like something he'd do, injured or not. Chances are, we'd both be sleeping on the floor tonight.

A woman called my name.

I hesitated, and the streets were perfectly calm, so I thought I might have imagined it.

"Hakkai-san!" It was very clear this time, desperate and shrill, straining, as if the woman were about to cry.

"Lei?" I turned to see her running up to me. Her face was streaked with dirt and tears, eyes puffy from crying.

She stopped a few feet from me, sobbing and breathing raggedly. "Hakkai-san…"

"What is it? Why aren't you inside?" I looked up at the inn. "Where's Gojyo? And Deshi?"

"Deshi. Deh-deshi…" She sounded broken, sobbing that much more fiercely. "Deshi is…dead…"

I gaped at her, eyes threatening to fall out of my head, "Dead?"

Lei continued to sob, and now I noticed the blood on her clothes and hands.

"How? How did this happen? I thought you were both with… Where's Gojyo?"

"That woman…"

"_Woman_?" My heart was sinking quickly.

"That woman killed him."

"Gojyo?!"

"N-no…Deshi. She killed Deshi…"

My heart hammered. "But…_how_? No…_Why?_!"

Lei shook her head, wiped some tears off her cheeks. "I…I don't know…she just did."

Jade…that crazy, maniacal…

"Lei." I gripped her shoulders, "Where. Is. Gojyo?"

I didn't mean to seem heartless in the face of Deshi's death, but…

"I don't know. I don't know. We buried Deshi…then Gojyo left…I don't know where he went. I thought he'd look for you."

"No."

"Then I don't know. He was so upset…"

She looked quite upset as well. I felt the need to comfort her somehow, but I wasn't sure what I could do in the way of that, particularly since Lei didn't like or trust me in the least.

"Maybe you should look for him." She stammered. "He-he was so upset…I don't know what he'll do…"

_Gojyo…_

I knew he'd do one of two things if he was honestly as upset as she seemed to think. Either he was going to run around chasing Jade and try to kill her out of anger and hate, which would probably get him killed as well. Or he was going to go drown his sorrows. It just depended on the nature of his emotional distress. Anger or sadness.

I took Lei's hand and began to pull her with me, "Please, Lei, I'm sure you're beside yourself over this tragedy, but I must know exactly what happened."

Lei bounced along behind me, struggling to keep up, and then she described the event to me between ragged sobs and moments of vocal clarity.

I listened, feeling more and more grim as the story wore on, and I even felt a bit sad as she told me of how Gojyo had finally convinced Deshi to go back with Lei; to think that he'd finally found the sense of responsibility to set the boy straight, only to witness his death moments afterward. By the time Lei was telling me about the gruesome manner in which Jade killed Deshi, she was crying again, , and my heart was racing with horror, my stomach tight and thick.

Never mind that it was an impossibly violent, disgustingly cruel way to kill anyone, let alone a child, I wondered what exactly Jade had done it for. She seemed to be growing more dangerous by the day. Perhaps I shouldn't have waited so long to try to eliminate her.

When the story was over, Lei continued to cry for a while, and I kept her hand in my own, leading her up and down the streets. Then, when she finally composed herself and was quiet again, she asked me, "D-do you know where he might be?"

I nodded without a word.

"He's not…I mean, he wouldn't try to find that woman and avenge Deshi. Not by himself…right?"

"It's possible. But I don't think that's what he's doing."

Gojyo told me he was tired of things going wrong. If he was as physically exhausted as he'd acted, and as emotionally drained as one would expect to be after the events of the previous night added to the events of this, Gojyo would likely resort back to something he knew would numb the pain rather than go out and try to fix the problem. Tomorrow, he might hunt for revenge—he might even leave me behind to do it—but tonight, he'd look for something that would distract or soothe him. He'd left Lei, so that distraction probably wouldn't be the arms of a woman.

That only left one other thing.

I hunted through every bar in town; there weren't many that were open, likely because the villagers were said to be evacuating all together, so it didn't take very long before I happened upon him. It was one of the smaller bars, toward the center of the town. I stopped to look through the window.

The place was darker than most bars, as if some of the lights had burnt out and no one had bothered fixing them, and there were only a few people inside, at the bar, or gathered around a card table or a game of pool.

Gojyo was at the bar, as far from the door and the other patrons as possible, seemingly buried in the shadows and a plume of cigarette smoke, his coat splotched with patches of dusky-brown, dried blood.

Unspeakably relieved, I sighed and proceeded inside, paused to turn to Lei, "You may as well make yourself comfortable, Miss Lei. This could take a while."

She nodded, but she was looking across the room, toward him, her tear-stained face soft with compassion. I felt bad about everything that had happened, so I said, "I'm not sure what good it will do me to say this, but I _am_ terribly sorry for everything that has happened to you, your village, and your people, and especially for the part I've played in all of it."

"It's all right, Hakkai-san. It's not your fault…" She murmured. She dropped my hand lightly and then walked over to sit down at a table, by herself.

With a deep breath, I turned, observed Gojyo at a distance, and then approached, having no idea how I should go about addressing him. It would be a matter of assessing the situation as quickly as possible, and then acting accordingly.

I came up beside him, close enough that our shoulders were brushing, but he didn't so much as look at me.

I studied him.

His face was blank, eyes semi-glazed, staring across the room at the selection of alcohol, though it was clear he wasn't considering them at all. The cigarette hanging out of his mouth had burned down almost to the filter. He looked as if he were in a completely separate world. There was a shot glass in front of him, along with a bottle that was already a quarter of the way gone.

"Gojyo?"

He still didn't so much as glance at me.

"Gojyo."

From the look of things, he wasn't even blinking. It was like he'd completely launched out into the atmosphere.

At last, I laid my hand on his shoulder, "_Gojyo."_

"What?" He practically growled, taking the stub of his cigarette indelicately between his first to fingers and grinding it out on the bar.

"Hey!" The bartender cried, coming toward us. He was a tall, portly man with a red face. "How many times I gotta' tell ya', kid? Don't be doing that! There's a perfectly good ash tray _right_ there."

Gojyo didn't seem to hear him any better than he'd heard me.

The bartender looked at him, expectantly, as if Gojyo were going to react, eventually, and then he snorted and turned to me, "Hell, it ain't as if I'm gonna' kick a paying customer out at this point. Business is too bad. Hey, you here for him?"

"In a manner of speaking, yes."

"Well, good! Glad _somebody _came for the guy. He's drinkin' like he wants ta' go to an early grave. Oy. Kiddo." He leaned over to rest a heavy hand on Gojyo's other shoulder, "You oughta' go home with your friend, 'kay? Last drink's on the house."

Gojyo didn't respond. He didn't even flinch at being touched.

The bartender looked at him for a second, and then he shrugged at me, "Can I get you anything, kid?"

"No thank-you, sir. I'd like to speak to my friend alone, if you don't mind."

He shrugged again and marched back the way he'd come, mumbling about needing to find a new line of work.

I sighed and looked at Gojyo again, thinking he might say something, even though it came as no surprise that he didn't.

"What are you doing?" I asked, eventually. "I thought you were going back to the inn with Lei?"

At last, his eyes flickered, as if what I'd said had stirred him back to reality, out of an odd, horrific dream.

"Honestly, I know you're frustrated, but I'd expect a bit more out of you than this. There's no time for a drink; I'm falling to pieces, and you're here, intoxicated. It's shameless."

"Sorry, man…I just…"

I waited, wondering how hard I would have to prod him in order to hear him admit the truth out loud.

"In any case…you don't look well. In fact, it seems as though you-"

"Deshi's dead, Hakkai."

I watched his face a moment longer, still waiting for any sort of emotional response, but there was nothing, and his words, though a little slurred from liquor consumption, were very cold.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Deshi's dead—Jade killed him. _I _killed him."

"You? But… I'm sorry, but what in the world did _you_ have to do with it?"

He sat very still for a long, long time, and then, suddenly, he came to life. His eyes burned with fury and guilt, and he suddenly grabbed the shot glass that had been in front of him for goodness knows how long, gulped it down and slammed the glass back onto the bar so ferociously I thought he'd break it. He raked both hands through his hair, miserably, rested his forehead on his palms, and the words fell from his mouth, one after another, harshly, blurry, but steeped in rage. "Because. Because I was there. Because I couldn't save him. Because I walked into that village in the first place. Because I couldn't keep Ryptcore from destroying it. It's gone now. Totally gone. And so's Deshi."

"But Gojyo-"

"_Don't_ tell me it's not my fault, man! That isn't what I wanna' here! Tell me the truth! Tell me I fucked up! Tell me I'm irresponsible an' immature an' stupid and selfish and insensitive and negligent, like you always do!"

I softened my voice a touch, "Do you honestly expect me to say such things to you? _Now_? What sort of friend would I be?"

"Hakkai." He turned suddenly, grabbing me by the collar, voice desperate "Please… Jade _said_ she did it because of me."

I looked into his eyes, seeing all the agony burning inside them, and I got a suddenly profound sense of just how close he was to falling apart over the events of this past week, and how he was looking to me to punish him for what he inevitably viewed as failure and inadequacy.

"Then I don't think you need to hear it again."

"But it's true. It's true. It's my fault…all of it."

"Not necessarily."

"_Necessarily!_ Ever since I walked into that town, I caused those people nothing but trouble. Do ya' really think that bitch woulda' killed 'im if it weren't for me? That whole pathetic place would still be standing!"

He seemed to be on the verge of a breakdown. After all, I thought he'd been keeping himself fairly composed throughout the episode with the other hanyou and the fact that they were dying right and left, all around him. Perhaps Deshi being brutally murdered was just the last thing he could bear before it all became too heavy for him. After all, it wasn't like Gojyo to become so emotional so suddenly.

"All right then." I said slowly. "So what if it _is_ your fault?"

"'So what?' Are you completely heartless?!"

"Gojyo." My voice turned very firm, though I made sure not to raise it. "Listen to me. Let's say for sake of argument, it _is _your fault? What are you going to do? What _can_ you do?"

He was quiet. His brow wrinkled, and he looked at me, desperately almost, as if expecting me to _tell_ him what he could do.

It never ceased to amaze me how much stock he put into what I had to say at times.

"You have only a handful of options. You must be well aware of them yourself, since, as it is for everyone, when something goes so horribly wrong that it feels as if it can't be fixed, you have the option to _try_ to fix it. That's the adult response: do what you can, and make peace with it. Or. Sit here and drink until you can't remember what went wrong to begin with. That's the childish response. _That's_ what determines if you're irresponsible and immature and foolish and negligent. Not me."

Gojyo laughed suddenly, and bitterly, "Then I am all of the above." He poured another shot, "Bottom's up." He downed it as swiftly as the other, slammed the glass down just as hard, "I'm done with this journey."

Well, I'd given him my best, but to no avail. That meant I'd have to switch tactics a bit.

"No." I pulled myself up onto the stool beside his—it felt so good to sit down after my long, trying day—and leaned closer to him, "No, you're not. You're not the same man you were when I met you four years ago. Perhaps it is true that you never quite grew up, but you've grown and changed a lot since I've known you, and I can't take all the credit for that. You're a fighter, Goj, and you're not a quitter or a runner or a flake, and I have never seen you fall so hard that you couldn't pick yourself up."

Gojyo seemed to choke. "Not…this time, 'Kai…I…"

"You're only blaming yourself because you're not sure what else you can do, but I know you, and I know that I can't doubt what's in your heart. I can't even think for an instant that you're going to leave things this way. That isn't the Gojyo I know."

He was silent for a very long time, and he wouldn't look at me. Then he mumbled, "Ya' really believe that shit?"

"Of course I do. When have I ever lied to you?"

"Never." He rested his forehead on the heel of his hand, "You're always so brutally honest…. It's a pain in the ass, but. I guess I sorta' like that about ya'. Still…nn…I dunno', man…Sanzo said I'm not gonna' be happy until all the other hanyou are dead."

I frowned to myself, a bit unhappy to learn Sanzo had said that to him.

"Maybe he was right…"

"I'm quite certain that's utter rubbish, Gojyo. You didn't get any of those people killed on purpose—you did everything in your power to protect them—and what's more, they didn't die because of you."

Gojyo just shook his head, "I probably coulda' done more…"

"You." I couldn't hold back a chuckle, even though I knew how inappropriately placed it was. And then I shook my head. "Oh, you."

"What?"

"If I'm at fault for apologizing too frequently and being unable to forgive myself, perhaps _you're _guilty of constantly shouldering the blame for things that weren't your fault to begin with."

Gojyo shifted slightly, "Maybe…"

"I don't think it's a bad quality to have, really…though I think it can be quite detrimental to your own sense of self."

He looked back at me, miserably, and some part of me half-expected him to burst into tears, although I'd never see him do that before.

The expression filled me with affection and compassion and a deep, deep sense of regret.

I laid my hand on his shoulder again, almost whispering, "Now listen. You can sit here and keep getting drunk, if that's what you want, and I won't try to stop you, but I will remind you of the dangerous circumstances we find ourselves in, and of the fact that neither of us can afford to be incapacitated anymore than we are already. I think it would best if we return to the inn and try to get some sleep before it gets too terribly late."

"What about Jade?"

I didn't answer at first. I'd been sort of hoping he wouldn't mention that to me.

"We can't let her get away with it…right?"

"Gojyo, when the time is right, you'll have your chance to pay Jade back for all that she's done. I promise."

He seemed to consider that a moment, and then he nodded, like it was good enough for him, and got up, digging into his pocket to produce the money he needed to pay for his drinks. "Fine. I can live with that."

"I'm glad."

From there, he even led the way to the door, where Lei met us.

She moved in close to him, laying a hand on his chest and searching his eyes, sadly, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." He wrapped his arms around her shoulders unhesitant and uninhibited, "I'm cool. How're you doing?"

"I'll be all right, I guess."

"…Sorry, babe."

They embraced for a brief moment, in which she again buried her face against him and trembled a little, as if she would start crying again, and then, when they pulled away, we began to walk back out into the night and down the street.

I watched them as they went ahead of me, noting how tired and sad Gojyo seemed. The swagger seemed almost completely gone from his step, and his head was hung a bit, with hair falling in his face. He looked stiff.

Still, his emotional fortitude was considerable. He'd had his own outburst at the bar, but I hadn't needed to resort to slapping him out of it—as usual, a few firm words sufficed to calm him—and now he was carrying on, like a man, even comforting Lei as they went along together. Never the less, I'd be foolish to believe everything was going to be okay.

Yes, this had been the last thing he could handle, I was sure. Ever since Jade first appeared, it seemed I'd been putting everything on him, simply because I could. Because he would let me, and he'd carry my baggage with his own, not complaining about it, as he usually did, when I put something of that nature to him. But when we'd discovered the half-blood village, his own burdens had been increased a considerable amount, and I'd simply stood back and watched him stumble under the weight of it all, because I couldn't bear to face the animal within myself, and because I was afraid that if I did, I would fail and lose my sanity. He'd been carrying my problems still, even through his broken ribs and his nicotine fits and his guilt over what had become of the other hybrids, as well as sharing in the burden of having Ryptcore looming over us, just as all of us were. I'd been relying on him far too much, and I hadn't been there for him in return. Gojyo wasn't the type to resent me for that, but my own guilt was immeasurable, because my actions were directly responsible for the way he was now, and for the fact that, if something else were to happen—perhaps to Lei, or to his brother, or the team—Gojyo probably wouldn't be able to deal with it.

A person could only take so much emotional strain.

That meant I had better brace up and start bearing some of my own difficulties on by my own strength, rather than bemoaning my circumstances and trying to push them off on someone I thought was better-suited to handling them.

Of course, it could be too late. He might already be far too strained for it to make any difference what I did…but, even if that was the case, at least if I stepped up to the proverbial plate, like I should have in the first place, when everything finally came crashing down around us, then I might be able to keep it all from destroying him.

That could be potentially true for Sanzo and Goku as well. My actions could be single-handedly responsible for what became of the team from here on out, and I wouldn't be able to come to terms with that, supposing something went wrong.

Gojyo's emotional strength made me feel somewhat foolish and pathetic. But, I suppose it always had…

I slipped up beside him, casually hooking my arm around his neck, much like he normally did to me, but I was careful not to lean on him.

Gojyo turned to me, looking somewhat confused. "Hey, man."

I smiled contritely, "It's been a long day, hasn't it? Tomorrow, I think we may as well sleep in."

He seemed hesitant, like he couldn't quite believe I meant that. "What about Sanzo and Goku?"  
"Ah, Sanzo was rather uncooperative. He doesn't seem to want me around at the moment, and I can't see any reason why we should push ourselves as long as he's not around to demand that we do. If nothing else, we can always catch up to them in Jeep."

"All right, if that's what you want." His tone was still careful.

I turned my eyes to the sky, "Tomorrow…I think everything will be better. Somehow."

His voice seemed almost to ache from the exhaustion and the pain, "Damn, I hope you're right, man."


	26. Chapter 26

**At last.**

**You know, I've been working on this fic for almost three years. Crazy, right? I intend to finish it this time.**

* * *

**Goku**

We stood at the top of the hill. Behind us, the town was starting to go to sleep, with the lights shutting off and the voices disappearing, but I could still smell dinner lingering in the air, and everything seemed peaceful, for the moment. In front of me, I was looking at a long, flat ocean of darkness—black grass against a dark blue sky. The moon was only half a moon, peeking out from behind some clouds, and the stars looked like scattered handfuls of glittery dust. A cool breeze blew through my hair. I heard it rustle Sanzo's robes. I looked up at him, saw the worried look on his face, barely hidden by calm, and his gold hair flowing back in the wind. He was scowling really bad, and he was smoking kinda' quickly. He'd been through four or five cigarettes since we'd come out here with Kougaiji and Dokugakuji, and it had only been twenty minutes or somethin'. Five cigarettes in twenty minutes was crazy-fast smoking.

I didn't blame him though. I turned to watch the wavering line of dim, orange lights as they moved closer and closer to us. I couldn't see them yet, but I knew that the DethBreed was marching across the field. It was just a matter of time before they were on toppa' us.

Tightly, I clenched my bo and tried to focus. I couldn't be on edge right now. I couldn't be nervous or distracted. I had to be ready for the fight.

On the other side of me, Kougaiji and Dokugakuji were muttering to each other. Something about the way they acted was _almost_ like Hakkai and Gojyo, so I was pretending that they really _were_ Hakkai and Gojyo. Just until the real ones showed up.

"Sure are a lot of them." Pretend Gojyo said.

Pretend Hakkai nodded. "More than I expected."

Sanzo snorted, "What did you expect? That maniac has an army at his disposal—nothing less."

I watched the lights some more. They were freakishly closer. I took a deep breath and tried to count them, but there were just too many. More than a hundred, maybe.

_That's a lot. That's way too many…_

I tried not to let it scare me, but…that was just _so_ many, and I didn't know if we could do it by ourselves. When we fought the DethBreed in that other town, a few days ago, they almost crushed us, and I wasn't sure why. I played the fight over in my head, again and again, trying to figure out what went wrong exactly, but I didn't know for sure. There were so many—any time we killed one, it was like there were two more to take his place. Even that wasn't a big deal though. The big deal was that they were so…blank. Nothin' hurt 'em. Nothin' scared 'em. You bust 'em up, and they just stood up again. Fighting an enemy like that is really hard.

The scariest part about that though, was that swinging my bo around, breaking heads, wasn't good enough—when your enemy didn't care that you'd just shattered his arm, but that was the only way you knew to fight, what were you supposed to do?

In that last fight, I'd gotten so overwhelmed…it was hard to feel like my way of fighting wasn't good enough.

I shrugged and tested my injured arm. It didn't feel too bad—just sorta' stiff and sore. I wanted to tell myself it wasn't a big deal, but I was already in a bad way, knowing that fighting with my bo wasn't gonna' help much, and I didn't want to think my hurt arm might slow me down. I couldn't afford to get slowed down.

Sanzo looked at me suddenly, "How's your arm?"

"It's okay."

"You'd better be able to fight." He snorted.

"I can."

Pretend Hakkai and Gojyo were looking at me too now, "What happened to your arm?"

"Nothin'."

They glanced at each other. I wondered what they were thinking. I guess, if I was them, I'd be kinda' worried, knowing one of your allies wasn't at their best…

Then again, maybe they were even more worried than I could tell, 'cause Sanzo wasn't at _his_ best either. Nobody was. They didn't want to get killed doing this.

The lights in the field were closer now, and I bit my lip, turned to take a long, hard look over my shoulder. I thought maybe I'd see Hakkai and Gojyo—the real ones—coming toward us, calm and smiling and ready to fight.

They weren't there. They just weren't. Even though I knew they were in the town right behind us, even though I'd seen Hakkai with my own eyes, just a coupla' hours ago, even though I _knew_ they wouldn't wanna' let us down…they just weren't there.

_Maybe…maybe they're really not comin'…_

I shook the thought away. I didn't want to think that—ever—they were going to show up. They were going to be here soon.

"Don't waste your time." Sanzo said under his breath.

I watched the lights again. They were getting so close—I could smell them now, a weird, half-dead, half-alive smell, kinda' like blood and sweat and rotting flesh, and I could almost hear their footsteps in the grass too, as they climbed the hill.

"They're gonna' show up." I said, almost to myself. "They've gotta'."

"I'm telling you, they _won't_." Sanzo practically snapped.

"They're in town though. Why wouldn't they-?"

"Goku. _Enough_."

I gave it up with a sigh, switched my bo back and forth between my hands, took another glance over my shoulder. I turned to look at Kougaiji. "Can I ask ya' somethin'?"

He kept his eyes fixed on that line. "What is it?"

"What made ya' decide to come out here like this? Isn't Ryptcore on _your_ side?"

For a sec, he hesitate, and I saw him glance at Dokugaku, kinda' a weird look, then he said, "Ryptcore isn't _on_ a side, Goku. He believes himself to be everything: the beginning and the end, and I knew when I heard that he'd been unleashed, that as long as he's roaming the world, there'd be no chance for the revival to succeed, no more than there is for you and your friends to restore order to Shangri-La. I knew that, until he's removed, there are no 'sides', there's just us, and _him_."

"So you're not just helpin' us 'cause you think we're cool?"

He snorted. "Believe me, if he were anyone else, I'd let him trash you, then I'd come and take the sutra."

I didn't believe him at all. I mean, all that stuff about there not bein' any sides right now, and everything, sure, I got that. But I didn't think he'd actually let Ryptcore kill us and then take our sutra. I didn't really get Kougaiji, and I didn't know what he was after, but I knew he wasn't like that. For being a bad guy, he sure was a _good_ guy.

_I know a lotta' guys like that._

Again, I checked over my shoulder.

Nothing.

The lights were almost to us. Just a couple more minutes…

When the fight got started, I'd have to make sure I stayed real close to Sanzo; I couldn't get separated from him next—I was terrified of that happening now. We had so many enemies—the whole world was against us—and they were all so strong, and the guys weren't around yet, they were just taking their time about showing up, so it was up to me to make sure Sanzo was okay. Not like I thought I had to protect him but…

I thought about the message Ryptcore had left us in the other town: Ded End. I thought about how he'd killed all those people, and how he'd found that guy who looked like Sanzo, dressed him like a priest, and hung him from a tree. I didn't know everything, but I got _that _loud and clear.

_Yeah. Maybe this time…maybe I do._

It would be really cool if I didn't have to do that all by myself.

One more time, I looked over my shoulder, and this time, I was really, really, _really_ sure they'd be right there.

And they still weren't.

"Stop looking for them." Sanzo hissed. "Keep your eye on the enemy."

Quickly, I turned back to watch the DethBreed. "D'ya' think-"

"_Don't_ ask me about them, Goku. I'm sick of it."

"I wasn't gonna'. I was gonna' ask if ya' think Lei's okay."

"Hmph. How would I know? I don't see why not. As long as she stays _in _the town-along with all the townspeople—and Ryptcore stays _out_ of it, I don't think there's anything to worry about."

"That's up to us, right? Makin' sure Ryptcore stays out?"

"It's not up to us to protect this place or any of these people. The only reason we're out here is to eliminate distractions. This fight is going to be hard enough without having to worry about a bunch of damn on-lookers getting in the way."

He was right about that. This was going to be a super hard fight. I couldn't help wondering if I was going to do okay the way I was now. Was I going to be _enough_? I was so strong… Sometimes I could barely believe how seriously strong I was. But these days, it didn't seem like it was enough.

I reached up to touch my diadem, finger tracing over its engraved design.

"Can I ask ya' somethin' else?"

"If it's about them, I'll kill you."

"No. It's about-"

Behind us, there was a loud burst, like a million soda cans popping open all at the same time, and bright, orange light lit up the field so I could see the glowing, emotionless eyes of the DethBreed soldiers that were just a couple yards away now. The ground shook, and I almost fell. A warm wall of wind and the smell of sulfur and fire hit me like a punch in the back of the head.

"What th' heck?! Gah!"

We all spun around as fast as we could.

There was a thick pillar of dark, almost purple smoke rising up out of the town, and a small building that was near our inn was collapsing and burning. I could barely make out the shape of someone standing there against the background of flames: he was tall and bulky with wild hair. He raised his hand and gestured for us to come.

"Ryptcore." Kougaiji snarled, taking a step forward.

"How the hell'd he get _there_?" I demanded, holding my bo tighter. This was bad.

Ryptcore went on waving for a second or two, and then he turned and disappeared back into the town, and now I could hear screaming and clattering and the sound of breaking glass.

"They're in there. The DethBreed."

This was _so_ bad. The soldiers who we'd come out to fight were right behind us now, almost on top of us, Ryptcore was _in_ the town, with who knows how many more men, and they were tearing it up in there, probably killing people and destroying everything they came across.

"Dammit!" Sanzo shouted. "It was a trick all along!"

I heard rushing footsteps right behind me, turned just in time to see a handful of soldiers surge toward us.

"Crap!" I twirled my bo and smacked them, knocking them back, but I knew they weren't dead.

More came at us. Sanzo fired off a few shots and I focused on forcing back the ones that attacked me. Kougaiji and Dokugakuji started fighting too, side-by-side. The soldiers didn't even scream when we hit them or killed them.

"What now?" I called, when I had a moment.

Sanzo shook his head angrily, "We have to go after that lunatic. It's the only way to ever make this madness stop."

A really crazy-looking youkai with wild eyes and foam on his mouth tried to claw me open. I smashed his face, and he fell back, gurgling. "Yeah, how're we gonna' do that? We gotta' deal with these guys." And now that they were all here, I was pretty sure there were more than a hundred, and that meant it was going to take a really long time to get rid of them all. Who knew what Ryptcore would do in the meantime?

I thought about Lei and the guys, and all the villagers, and Deshi…I thought about the other towns Ryptcore had destroyed….especially the last one, where he piled up the dead people in a bloody, grody heap and just left 'em there. I couldn't let that happen again. I couldn't let anything happen to my friends. I couldn't let Ryptcore get away with the crazy shit he'd been doing.

I couldn't leave Sanzo.

So what should I do? What _could_ I do? I felt so helpless and useless—I had no idea what to do now: this problem was too big for me to solve all at once, but I couldn't just do nothing… As I busted in another freak-soldier's face, I thought about my diadem again, wondered if maybe, just _maybe_, that other part of me might be good enough and strong enough to figure all this out.

I beat down another youkai with a stiff blow.

_I don't wanna' do that…I don't wanna' _be_ that._

"Sanzo…" I said, a little desperately, moved closer to him. "What should we do?"

He was grimacing, firing off shot after shot, flooring the soldiers around him. He ran out of bullets, pistol-whipped the next soldier who came at him, and stepped out of range to reload his gun. "Like I said." His voice was tight and strange. It made me want to ask if he was okay. "We have to go after that freak."

"Yeah, but how?"

"I don't know, Goku." He snapped.

Kougaiji finished knocking a guy into next century and then moved closer to us, "We'll cover you."

I stopped to gawk at him, almost got my face scraped off, and had to remind myself to pay attention.

"Why would you do that?" Sanzo scoffed.

"As I said earlier, we're all in this together, and I think the best thing we can do is try to face Ryptcore all together—the four of us, and your other friends too—that's the only way we're going to beat him. So Dokugakuji and I will cover for the two of you while you hunt down Ryptcore; we know that the rest of your team is in this town, and I'm sure they'll come to help you, at some point. In the meantime, we'll finish off this group and join you. It's the only thing that makes sense."

I listened to him as I fought, cracked another skull and felt blood splash the front of my shirt. "Yeah, but, isn't that really dangerous for ya'? Dealing with all these freaks by yourself?"

"No more dangerous than it'll be for the two of you to go after Ryptcore."

"So then shouldn't we stay together?"

"We don't have time." He glared at me, "While we're out here debating about it, he's in there killing innocent people. So now." Suddenly, the two of them were between us and the DethBreed. Kougaiji snapped the neck of the guy I'd been fighting and said, way too calmly, "Get going, before it's too late."

I stopped to look at Sanzo.

He was watching Kougaiji with an unreadable expression. "We don't have a lot of time to wait for you." Was all he said.

"I don't think this will take us very long." Dokugakuji snorted suddenly. "There aren't _that_ many."

Kougaiji smiled at us, "We'll be there as soon as we're done with this."

Sanzo growled, "You'd better hurry then—those other idiots aren't showing up." Then he turned and started running back toward the town. "Goku! Let's go!"

I hesitated a second, wondering if I should say something to Kougaiji, but they were already back to fighting, and I didn't want to distract them, so I just said, "You guys be careful." And then I ran after Sanzo, dashed through the grass and the dark, plunged into the shadows of the town, where I could hear agonized screaming and smell the reek of death.

Already the place was trashed. Buildings were broken into, doors ripped right off their hinges, windows smashed. The fire was spreading, slowly, but we broke through a wall of flames and kept running, rounded a corner to where it was cool and dark again. Everywhere, people were screaming and running, crazy members of the DethBreed chasing humans around, grabbing at them, tearing at them with their nails and ripping their throats out. I saw them everywhere—in the houses, on top of the buildings, on every street, lining every wall. We had to break through them and fight them off at every corner. Through it all, I thought I heard Ryptcore laughing hysterically, his voice louder than everything else around us, and sometimes, I think I saw him ahead of us, and then he'd duck around a corner, tall guys with weapons and armor right behind him.

I watched for Hakkai and Gojyo, thinking they'd show up at any second now, but they weren't around anywhere, and now I didn't have Kougaiji and Dokugakuji to _pretend_ they were Hakkai and Gojyo. I felt so nervous, it was worse than being hungry. My stomach felt like it was in knots, my chest hurt from the pound of my heart, and my mouth was dry. What now? What if I lost Sanzo? What if I let him down? It was just the two of us… What if the guys didn't come at all, ever? What if Kougaiji and Dokugakuji didn't catch up to us?

_What if the guys don't come…?_

Could we do this by ourselves?

"Sanzo? What's the plan?"

He didn't answer me. I saw how dark and hard his eyes were and how deep his frown was. I didn't know if I'd ever seen him look so…

"Sanzo?"

"We confront Ryptcore."

"Yeah, and then?"

He shook his head, and I'd never seen him look so unsure before. I was so used to him being confident all the time. "I don't know, Goku. At this point…I really don't know."

I was quiet for a long time. Sanzo always knew what to do, no matter how bad things were. He always knew exactly what to do, and it scared the crap out of me to hear that this time he had no idea…

We were close to the middle of the town now. Ryptcore's crazy laughter was louder than ever. I noticed how narrow the streets were, how close to me the walls seemed to be, and I felt even worse about the situation. If it came down to a fight now, it would be really, really crowded and hard to move.

A few steps ahead of Sanzo, I tore around a corner, slid to a sudden stop, and Sanzo bumped into me, almost knocking me down.

Ryptcore was just standing there, looking crazy. His eyes were shining blood-red, his hair was matted and tangled. The last couple times I saw him, he was wearing some armor, but now he was just shirtless, and I could see all the old wounds he'd gotten from fighting us last time. No one had done anything about them, so they were half-healed, oozing and sorta' dirty, but he didn't look like they bothered him. He had the creepiest smile on his face.

There was a wall of men behind him—so many blank, freaky faces, I couldn't even guess how many—rows and rows of them, crammed together like sardines, and there were more in the alleys on either side of us to, blocking them up so we couldn't go through if we wanted to. I turned around to see a bunch more filing in behind us. My heart was pounding like a drum. There were just too many.

"Well, Sanzo." Ryptcore said, his icy voice almost soft. "Here we all are."

Sanzo pointed his gun right at Ryptcore and said, "I'll give you one chance to give it up before I kill you." But he sounded tired, and he looked pale and nervous.

Ryptcore laughed at him, "You sound completely demoralized, my little friend. Don't tell me our little game is starting to wear you out?"

Worriedly, I looked up at Sanzo again. Was he worn out? He totally looked like he could be.

"A lot has happened." Ryptcore said, moving forward, positioning himself for the fight, and I held my bo tighter, getting ready too. "A lot has gone wrong. And where is the rest of your team? They didn't really abandon you, did they?"

"'Course not!" I shouted. "They're gonna' be here any minute now, and the four of us are gonna' kick your ass!"

Ryptcore's booming laugh echoed through the streets, and everything else was quiet. "Of course they are. Those two freaks couldn't stay out of this fight if they _wanted_ to. Even if they don't show up on their own time, my men will drag them here, as soon as they find them." He leveled a really nasty look on Sanzo, "I want to make sure your team is all together to watch what I do to you, Genjyo Sanzo."

Sanzo didn't bother saying anything, and I saw that his hand was shaking just a little.

"Don't tell me you're _scared_, Sanzo."

"We ain't scared of ya', ugly-face." I shot back. "Why don't'cha' quit your talking and let's get going?"

"I can't blame you if you're scared, little priest. This is your last night alive."

I didn't think Sanzo was scared—he didn't really look scared—but he was definitely upset. Maybe because of the stuff Ryptcore said. Or maybe just 'cause of everything that had happened in the last couple of weeks. Maybe because the guys hadn't come yet.

That all upset me too.

Again, I checked the faces around me, looking for anyone I knew, but I was surrounded by enemies.

"Aren't you excited?" Rytpcore hissed, coming in closer, and I shifted my stance. "Death is the final boundary within mortality; when you die, you'll finally be able to test the truth behind that religion of yours. It almost makes me jealous—an immortal creature such as myself will never understand the profoundness of a moment like this one."

He couldn't really be immortal, could he? There was just no way.

"Just shut up." Sanzo growled suddenly, and it was really good to hear his voice. "Are we going to do this or not?"

With another laugh, Ryptcore started marching toward us.

I got ready.

Sanzo fired his gun, and Ryptcore dodged it easily. He sprang at us suddenly, and we both had to dodge backward. He hit the ground hard and chased after Sanzo, laughing hysterically and swinging blow after blow, like he was totally out of control. Sanzo fired at him over and over, but he always dodged, and he never stopped laughing.

I rushed him and swung my bo at his head, but he twisted away just in time.

I barely missed knocking his block off.

"Dammit!"

He grabbed the front of my shirt and threw me into Sanzo. The two of us stumbled back into a wall, struggled to get our footing back, dodged out of the way just in time to avoid being smashed by Ryptcore as he slammed against the wall.

"You really shouldn't be too worried." He taunted, going after Sanzo again.

Sanzo fired. This time I saw the bullet go into Ryptcore's arm, but he acted like he didn't even feel it.

"Your friends will come soon—the four of you possess a foolishness that knows no bounds: their loyalty will bring them here, if my men don't."

"You're wrong."

"You think?" Ryptcore lunged at Sanzo, pinning him against the wall, deranged face just inches from his.

Sanzo hit him hard with his pistol and managed to slip away before being torn open.

"Those bastards aren't loyal; they're not coming."

I couldn't believe he'd say that to our enemy. What was wrong with him? He was acting really weird now.

"Don't you_ want_ them to come?" Ryptcore demanded, taking another swipe at Sanzo.

I hit him hard, right in the back, and he lurched forward, fell down head over heels, jumping up just a second later. Direct attacks really meant nothing to him.

Sanzo danced out of reach. "I couldn't care less." He fired three more shots.

Ryptcore dodged two and ignored the third when it ripped through his shoulder, blood gushing down his arm and chest. He burst out laughing, "I understand."

I went at him head-on, missed the shot I took at his face, tried to break his knees instead, but he just jumped over my attack.

"You don't want to watch them die. You don't want them to see me rip you apart. You're _afraid_, Sanzo. Afraid to be weak in front of them, and you definitely don't want to see _them_ being weak. It would be too much for your fragile, little, bleeding heart to handle. Am I right?"

Sanzo just repeated, "You're wrong." He was backing up, not taking any more shots, and I figured he had to reload, moved in to try to cover him.

While we were standing there, right next to each other, he hissed at me, "I have an idea, but I need your help."

"What is it?" I watched Ryptcore prowling toward us, listened to the familiar chink of Sanzo putting bullets in his gun.

"Do you remember what the Makai Tenjyo did to those DethBreed soldiers we fought the other day?"

I remembered exactly how it had torn through them, easily, and left nothing behind. "Yeah."

"I think it could work on this bastard too, but I need time to do it. I won't get a chance if he keeps attacking me."

"I'll buy you some time."

"But." He grabbed my arm before I could dart forward, and gave me a serious look, "You have to stay out of the way."

"Right. So, um. Distract him, but keep some distance between us. Right?"

"If you can." He said stonily. He was staring at the crowd around us now, eyes searching.

"Don't worry, Sanzo. They're coming."

All he did was snort again, "Think you can get that done for me?"

"Sure I'll try ta-"

I squawked and dove to the side, just as Ryptcore came at me, driving the two of us apart and raving, "No more whispering, Sanzo!" He gave Sanzo a vicious kick to the stomach, knocking him flat on his back, and the he pounced at me, roaring, "How would you like to watch Son Goku die?!" His eyes were wide and crazed, and deep inside, I felt a shiver of pure terror started to crawl up my spine.

He attacked me like a total psycho, taking swing after swing, and I blocked and dodged most of them, but with every swing, his claws were just a little closer to slicing me open. I could feel it, right away: This was different. This wasn't like the last two times I fought him, or like the way he'd been fighting just a couple of minutes ago. This was totally not the same. He was trying now, really trying to kill me.

Ryptcore swung at me.

I knocked his attack away with my bo.

His other hand raked across my stomach.

Shouting, I stumbled back against the wall.

He pinned me there and we stood face-to-face.

I heard Sanzo's gun cock, and then Ryptcore was swinging me around by the collar of my cape, putting me right in the way. Four bullets tore right through me—stomach, leg, arm, even my chest.

"Goku!"

Next thing I knew, I was on the ground in a heap, screaming and screaming, blood flowing from every part of me and dripping. My Nyoi-bo was gone.

Ryptcore kicked me.

I flew and hit the wall hard. Bricks crumbled, and I bounced off, rolled to my feet and made a run for it. He landed right where I had _just_ been. If I'd laid there even a split second longer, he'da' crushed my whole body.

I felt something catch onto my cape, and then I was flying again, hit the ground hard.

Ryptcore laughed.

Sanzo was screaming.

It was all I could do to writhe in pain.

"Here I always heard such remarkable things about the Sage who Equals Heaven. What do you say, boys?"

His DethBreed was freakishly quiet.

"That's what I thought too. What a disappointment."

Shouting, I jumped up again, bo in hand. I charged him, jumped up, took three swings—I went for his neck, his face and his chest.

He dodged all three, grabbed me and flipped me up over his head.

I landed on top of Sanzo, and we struggled to get up. He was coughing and moaning like I'd really hurt him.

As soon as I was up again, Ryptcore grabbed a handful of the back of my hair, swinging me around into the arms of his soldiers. He came at me with his claws while they held my arms. I screamed and struggled.

Sanzo was off to the side, firing and firing.

Ryptcore didn't care when the bullets hit him.

The two soldiers who were holding me crumpled to the ground, suddenly.

Sanzo screamed, "Goku, run!"

I dove out of the way, and Ryptcore's claws barely scraped my shin. I felt blood start gushing down over my ankle, scrambled to get to Sanzo's side. He was reloading his gun, hurriedly.

"He's so strong…" I panted.

Sanzo didn't answer. His eyes were wide with fear, and he wouldn't look at me. I knew what he was thinking. I knew he was angry and scared and guilty.

I touched his robe. "Sanzo?"

He didn't say anything still.

Ryptcore was taking his time coming toward us, gloating and bragging and laughing.

"The Makai Tenjyo…" Sanzo muttered. "If I could just use it…"

I looked down at myself, saw how much I was bleeding, and I knew our strategy wasn't working for some reason. He was never going to get to use it at this rate.

The first time we fought Ryptcore, it had been so strange. He'd trashed Gojyo in the blink of an eye—he'd almost killed him—but everybody else got out with just a couple scratches. We were strong enough to run away. There was just no way…

He wasn't messing around this time. He wanted to kill Gojyo the first time we fought, and the only reason he hadn't was because we'd stopped him. Well, now he wanted to kill _me_, and he would…if I let him.

_When he's done with that, he's gonna' kill Sanzo._

No. Just no way. I couldn't let that happen. I'd do anything to keep it from happening.

_Anything…_

"Sanzo. I can't do it." I murmured.

Ryptcore was closer now. There was no telling when he'd charge at us and keep tearing me apart. He wasn't going to leave me alive much longer.

"You have to try harder." Sanzo barked. "Useless monkey."

"I can't. Not like this. Not when I'm _this _way."

Sanzo turned his wide-eyed, freaked out stare on me, mouth falling open, "_What_?"

"There's just no way I'll ever beat him if I ain't using all my strength. He's way, way too strong."

"Goku."

I nodded and spat out a wad of blood, "Mmhm. Yeah, he's way strong. But he's not stronger than me."

"Do you even know what you're saying. You can't do _that_. Do you understand? It's out of the question."

"If I don't, we're both gonna' get killed."

"Aren't you listening to me?" He grabbed my shoulders, really, really tight, shook me hard, "You have to try harder, Goku! Just distract him for a while and I'll-"

I pulled away from him. I didn't want to. I wanted to grab onto him and hug him as tight as I could. I wanted this nightmare to be over. I didn't want to be that way. I was scared to be—scared of what I was going to do—but I knew it was the only way. It was the only thing I could do to stay alive, or to keep this maniac from killing Sanzo.

_Maybe I won't even come back. I ain't like Hakkai…but…I still might not…_

Even then, it didn't matter.

Sanzo was screaming at me, "Goku! Are you listening? Just forget about it—that is not the answer!"

Grinning, I looked up at him, "It's okay."

"Okay?! Monkey, have you lost your mind? It is _not_ okay. It's not okay, Goku!"

Wow, he sounded totally nuts now. All this shit was really getting to him, and I think he was starting to really lose it. All the more reason I needed to end this.

I fingered my diadem.

Sanzo grabbed my wrist, "No, Goku!"

"Don't worry, Sanzo. The guys're gonna' show up soon, an' they can help ya' get me under control."

He looked like I slapped him or something. He even stammered. "A-are you _fucking_ with me? Goku. Get it through your head—those assholes aren't coming back. Ever. They're never coming back, Goku!"

"Yeah, they will. They're gonna' be here. I know it."

"You're an idiot! They aren't coming back, because they don't give a shit about what happens to you _or_ me! They ditched us, and they're probably heading back east as we speak, so you might as well just give up on this ridiculous, half-baked, little idea of yours, and pull yourself together."

I didn't think I should bother arguing with him. He was the one falling apart. It wasn't my fault he didn't think the guys were coming back. All I knew was, I didn't have a choice.

In the beginning, I thought that, if the guys came, we'd actually have a chance at this. Ryptcore had never fought all four of us at the same time—he'd never had to—not when we were at our best anyway. I knew that all four of us, at our best, on a real good day, would take him apart like eating pie. Really, yummy pie. But it didn't work out that way. He came along at the worst possible time, when Sanzo and Gojyo were fighting about nothin', and Hakkai was going nuts over some demon woman, and Gojyo started thinking about leaving us to stay with Lei, and now Sanzo was falling apart 'cause he thought they abandoned him. Ryptcore was _definitely _not facing us at our best, and that was the only reason he could get away with the crap he'd done.

I wasn't stupid. I knew there was no way he was ever going to fight us at our best, because by the time we were all back to one-hundred percent, he was gonna' be dead and gone.

That was why I had to do this. I had to take one for the team—I knew Hakkai and Gojyo would show up, and when they did, the three of them would figure something out, 'cause they always did. We'd defeat Ryptcore. I was sure of it.

I wished Sanzo were sure.

He was still trying to talk me out of it.

Ryptcore was standing back, watching and listening to us.

I touched Sanzo's arm for a sec, "Believe me, Sanzo. They're comin'. You just gotta' hang on until they show up."

It sounded like he sort of choked. "No. No, you stupid monkey. Don't do this. Don't even _think_ about doing this. We can't leave this up to _them_."

"I think we kinda' hafta'." I let go of him and stepped past him.

I thought he'd keep trying to stop me, but he didn't say anything else. I didn't have to look at him to know how upset he was; I smiled to myself, hoping I'd get to see him again. Hoping I wouldn't go crazy. Hoping I wouldn't kill him.

"I see." Ryptcore sounded almost reverent, "So you're going to face me as your true self, are you? I look forward to having a rematch with the Seiten Taisei."

Instead of answering, I reached up to touch my crown again, smiled back at Sanzo. "See ya' later."

I caught one last glimpse of the horrified look on his face, and the fear shining in his purple eyes.

Then it was off, and I was gone.

* * *

**Hakkai**

The inn was in sight again, and I was feeling considerably anxious, as if something else was going to go wrong before we could so much as reach the front door, so I kept my eyes open for any sign of trouble. I noticed that Gojyo also seemed more than usually alert, and nervous as well, biting on his cigarette and looking all around, off each shoulder, alternately, and behind him, frequently, staring hard into every shadow we passed. We walked by an alley and a stray cat leapt atop a trashcan, startling Gojyo so bad, he jerked back with a soft, animal-like snarl.

Lei pressed lightly against him, and they continued walking, but he stared back over his shoulder for a few extra moments.

He glanced at me suddenly, and I smiled, uttered a quick, reassuring, "It's okay."

Gojyo snorted, "What? Yeah, of course. I'm just tired. What about you? You okay?"

I wasn't surprised he was determined to downplay his nervousness and act tough in front of us, but I was also familiar enough with his mannerisms that I saw it for the front that it was, and I held his gaze until his posture was a little more relaxed.

"Hell…"

"I seem to be doing all right." I answered slowly. "It seems that the further I am from danger, the better I feel."

Gojyo nodded, looking exhausted, "Good."

"It will certainly be nice to finally reach our room, don't you think? I believe it's been nearly twenty-four hours since you slept."

I didn't mention that I too was completely drained from lack of rest, but then again, I hadn't nearly died last night, and I hadn't stumbled into town, bleeding to death, and I felt guilty all over again in knowing the ways he'd suffered for my sake.

"I can hardly believe we'll get there…" he murmured.

"I know exactly what you mean."

Lei looked as if she was asleep on her feet, head leaned on Gojyo's shoulder, eyelids drooping all but closed.

I led the way into the inn where it was warm and the light was soft and comforting, smiled at the desk clerk, then turned toward the stairs.

Behind me, Gojyo cursed and muttered something about stairs, and I answered kindly, "Not far now."

Partway up the staircase, his footsteps ceased to follow, "H-Hakkai…"

I turned back to see him leaning against the wall, slumped against it, expression demoralized, eyes dull and bleary from emotional strain and lack of sleep, skin a shade or two paler than usual, giving all the appearances of being moments from passing out cold, but, in spite of this obvious weakness, he was all but holding Lei up, cradling her against him. His free hand was partially raised, as if the thought had crossed his mind to reach out to me and had promptly changed his mind.

Calmly, I descended the few steps between us and, without a word, pulled him carefully, but firmly, the rest of the way up the staircase. I felt the natural urge to scold him for pushing himself, or to warn him to be more careful from now on, but I knew it was my fault he was like this, so I bit the words back and escorted him to the room I'd checked into, unlocked the door and entered, half-afraid I'd find some terrible enemy awaiting our return.

The room was empty, half-dark, and silent, dry and warm, and had a heavy sense of security to it, so I hardly minded how dirty and shabby it looked, or the fact that there was but one bed, or that the bare, wooden floors creaked beneath us as we entered.

"Huh." Gojyo chuffed, "Never been so happy to be in a shitty motel room in my life."

I pushed him lightly, "You two can take the bed."

He balked immediately, "Yeah? What're you gonna' sleep on?"

"The floor, of course." I didn't want to sleep on the floor, needless to say, when I was tired and downhearted myself, but I took a pile of the extra blankets I'd thought to order earlier and began to arrange a bed for myself there just the same. They were a bit threadbare, but I hardly cared. I couldn't wait to lie down and rest, even if it was just for a handful of minutes.

Jeep swept down from my shoulder and landed on a bedpost, began preening himself.

Gojyo's voice was quiet and sorry, "…You don't hafta' do that, man."

"I don't see any other options, do you? Unless, of course, you have the money to finance an upgrade to a bigger room."

"I…just feel kinda' bad."

"No need. I'm as accustomed to roughing it as you are. Now why don't you just accept my gracious offer? I don't know when the next time you'll see me hand the bed over without a fight in this type of situation is." I added teasingly, "You're lucky I'm not making you play me at cards for it."

Gojyo yawned, heavily. "'Kay…if you insist."

I pushed him again, a little more firmly, "Adamantly."

He kicked off his boots and stretched out, careful of his injuries, and Lei crawled onto the bed next to him, curled up with her back to him, and fell asleep at once.

I went back to making my bed, made sure the door was locked behind us, then produced some of the food I'd purchased for Jeep earlier, sat down at the table to feed him, humming, until he folded his wings and fell asleep in my arms, and only then did I feel a bit of comfort and calm beginning to fill me, went so far as to close my eyes, exhaling deeply, relaxing for what felt like the first time in days.

Gojyo's voice came to me from across the room, "You ain't gonna' go nuts in the middle of the night this time, are you?"

I opened my eyes slowly, wondering at that myself. I felt a bit calmer now, but I still felt tightly wound, and I could feel my youkai instincts as they gnashed their teeth inside of me, chomping at the bit to be released, my unseen claws aching to tear through flesh, tongue thirsty for blood. I wondered if I might fall asleep and have some sort of brutal nightmare, and awake, completely gone, completely set on killing everyone around me, Gojyo and Jeep included. I had told Sanzo that only violent stimulation could set me off, but…what if I was wrong?

"'Kai?"

"Mm. I don't think so. Jade isn't around, and as long as she doesn't appear suddenly, I believe I'll be all right. Probably."

"Don't 'probably' me right now." He murmured, sounding more tired than ever, and even a bit anxious.

I rose, left Jeep curled up on my blankets, and stood over Gojyo, "Don't worry about it, Gojyo. I know that after what happened last night, it's easy to be nervous, but it's been a long, difficult day, and I'd rather you didn't lose sleep over what may or may not happen. I have no intentions of going crazy in the middle of the night, obviously, and though it may sound inexact, that's the best I can do. For now, you'll just have to trust me."

He snorted, "I never said I didn't trust you. It's that bitch I don't trust."

"No, of course not."

Moaning, he turned onto his side, head pillowed against his arm, "Damn..."

"Are your injuries bothering you?"

"No. Not really."

"That's good at least." With any luck, we'd all be in much better shape tomorrow.

I watched him close his eyes, then leaned over to shut off the lamp, "Please try not to worry, Goj; I'm going to handle everything."

"You think so, huh?"

"It simply isn't fair to expect you to do it."

"I'm not _that_ messed up."

"No, but you're tired."

"Not _that_ tired. Maybe we should take turns keeping watch or something. Wake me up in a couple hours, and I'll-"

"Just get some sleep, Gojyo, and don't compel me to knock you out."

He scoffed but relented, "Fine. But if you change your mind, it's cool."

I sat down there on my blankets, leaning against the bed, thought a moment, "You know, you told me once that I don't always have to be tough, as long as you're nearby to watch my back."

"Yeah, you don't." he sounded half asleep now.

"I wonder if I ever explained that it can go both ways with that. I know you're not inclined to look weak in front of anyone, but…I want you to know, I am watching your back, in case, at some point, you do feel the need to express anything less than total strength and indifference, and my opinion of you won't change."

He didn't answer.

I added, "I feel that you're there for me much more often than I am for you, but I don't think it's because you don't experience your share of difficulties or insecurities; rather, I think you're convinced that you have to face them alone. It's very Sanzo-like of you."

Gojyo still didn't say anything, but I knew he wasn't asleep yet.

"I'll always be there for you, Goj."

He reached down, and I felt him grab my shoulder, fist his hand in the fabric of my t-shirt, and I knew it was the only answer I was going to receive.

We were silent a while. His grip slipped away, and I thought he'd fallen asleep, and I was beginning to nod off as well.

Suddenly, his voice came to me again, "Hey, can I ask ya' somethin'?"

"Of course."

"I was gonna' ask you before, but Lei came along, and…"

"What is it?"

"It's…no big deal. Just, that bitch…she's totally convinced that she can get you to do anything she wants, because she reminds you of Kanan."

I was quiet a long while, turning that over in my head. I should have known Jade would come to that assumption, especially after what had happened while we were making love in the woods.

_'…you lost someone…what happened to her? Did she die…?'_

Still, it was disheartening to think of that. I wondered how true it was—Jade did remind me so much of Kanan, in a very disturbing, confusing sort of way, and I wondered if she might actually have me more wrapped around her finger than I realized. If that were true, everything I'd just said to Gojyo might be invalid.

At last, I answered, and he shifted on the bed like I may have woken him up, "While I certainly wish I could reassure you that it isn't true, I'm afraid that I'm just not sure anymore."

"Yeah, well, even if that's what you think, I ain't given up on you yet. Just…don't kill me for it."

"As I said earlier, I won't let that happen again. For anything."

Perhaps he didn't believe me, or perhaps he would have liked more of a guarantee, because he didn't respond.

I didn't have any guarantees, unfortunately, so in the meantime, I ventured to ask, "You had a question, didn't you?"

"Nn. It's not really a question so much…"

"A concern then?"

He hesitated, and I could sense that he was nervous, or that he didn't want me to think he was weak or afraid, even after what I'd just told him a few minutes ago.

"Dunno'." He said at last, "I mean, if you had to choose between me and getting Kanan back—even just part of her, or just the feeling of being with her—I know you'd pick her. I don't have any beef with that, but…if you kill me 'cause Jade tells you to, then neither of us will be around anymore."

Silence filled the room.

That was a very true statement. Facing the loss of Kanan had been difficult enough, and there had been some days, like the first anniversary of her death, when I didn't think I would have made it through the depression without Gojyo's unyielding optimism and strength and understanding. I had come to the conclusion, eventually, that, at least if I had to soldier through the rest of my life, dealing with Kanan's death and not having her in my life, as much as I wanted her, I had been fortunate enough to come by a very loyal and true and inexpressibly _good_ friend to help me deal with the pain of that loss. It was a strange, almost supernatural trade, in a way, Kanan for Gojyo, but I knew that I could never have found room for both of them in my heart at the same time, and so, in a way…as much as it pained me, everything was as it should be.

To think of a world where I didn't have either of them, where Kanan was still dead, and Gojyo had followed her…

Honestly, I didn't even want to entertain that grim possibility, not for so much as one second.

Last night, I'd almost killed him by my own hand. Now, in the face of these thoughts, I realized how terrible it would have been, how incapable I likely would have been to continue living. I probably would have indulged whole-heartedly in the blackness of my youkai self, just for the sake of avoiding having to deal with what I'd done, the beloved life I'd sponged out with my own claws and teeth.

I shuddered, and the room seemed colder.

I rose suddenly, crossed the room to look out the window, staring at the moon a long while as my heart hammered within me.

Behind me, Gojyo sat up on the bed, and I felt him watching me, soundlessly.

"That's not necessarily true." I said, at last.

"What's not?"

"Obviously, it would be an extremely difficult choice to make, and I'm thankful that such a choice will never affront me, however, it's not necessarily written in stone that I would forsake you out of the belief that I could be with Kanan again, or that I would leave you behind to be near her. I…"

I couldn't bear to finish. My heart was too full, and it was aching. I choked on my words and was silent again, eyes still fixed on the moon.

His voice was forcibly flippant when he answered, "It's cool though, dude. If you did…I'd get it."

"It's not something I wish to dwell on."

"I think it sounds like a pretty easy decision."

I came out of my reverie at once, "Ah, is that so? Well, then you must excuse me—that's my fault—apparently I've failed to accurately convey to you just how important our friendship is."

Or else, he was too dense to really take note of it.

"Kanan meant a lot to you, Hakkai."

"_You_ mean a lot to me, Gojyo. It's a very different type of relationship, it goes without saying, but never-the-less, you are equally irreplaceable in my mind."

He sighed, suddenly, and I heard him lie back down, so I assumed he was reasonably reassured, "Anyway. Not like it matters now, right?"

"No, I suppose not."

Kanan was dead. Gojyo was alive. There wasn't a choice to make, because regardless of what Jade thought, she was not Kanan, and she never could be, particularly not after what she'd done this morning. I already felt a fierce flame of hatred towards her sprouting up deep inside me.

"Go to sleep now." I urged. "None of this matters if we're too exhausted to fight when the time comes."

"Right. 'Night."

"Sleep well."

Soon, I could hear him breathing deeply and regularly.

For some time after that, I stood out the window, still looking out, letting the tiredness in me grow, and my legs began to feel like noodles again, and my eyes began to feel weak and heavy once more. I'd nearly forgotten about my own physical fatigue when Lei met me in the street and told me what happened to Deshi, and from there, I'd been so occupied with attending to the matter and reassuring Gojyo, I hadn't considered how tired I still was. Now, in the dull, darkness of the room, I felt it slipping over me again, and I slowly turned back around to go to bed.

First though, I observed the two Children of Taboo, lying side by side, arms around one another, even though they hadn't laid down that way. I knew, having had the experience myself, that Gojyo generally wound up either pillowed on or wrapped up in the arms of whoever happened to be next to him while he was asleep, depending on who it was. I supposed that subconscious craving for either affection, or merely the desire for physical contact, was insuppressible after he went to sleep.

Again, I felt a wave of tenderness flood through me, and I wished I could somehow go back and make it so that this day, and the events it entailed, simply didn't exist, because I so hated the pain that had been caused him.

As I was standing there, looking at him, I thought I heard footsteps on the far side of the room, just behind me, and then a voice whispered, just as frigid and unfeeling as a blast of winter wind. "You feel too much, my love."

The voice had my heart racing immediately, with despair and fear. I couldn't understand how she'd come to be in the room without opening the door or the window, but it was certainly her presence I felt, and her voice I was hearing, much like the night Sanzo and I had been locked up at the hanyou village.

"On the contrary." I retorted, angrily, "You hardly feel at all, and therefore, any slight consideration for _anything_ would seem like 'too much' for you."

"Do you really think so? Or could it be that my standards are higher—that I know something is worthless when I see it?"

"I think your perception of value is very skewed. Consider what he put himself through to spare me the loss of my sanity."

"Blind heroics. It's selfish, more than anything: he clearly doesn't want to let go of you, doesn't want you to be happy in your freedom as a youkai, because he needs the validation of having you around. Do you know why?"

"You don't know a thing about him."

"It's because he knows just how worthless he is. You take pity on his meaningless existence, and it makes him feel like he might have some purpose in being alive. Naturally he wouldn't want to let you go, in light of that, even if it's the best thing for you."

"Enough." I snapped. "You can't walk into a friendship that's already existed for years and assume to understand it."

"He's simple enough to read, isn't he? That guise of nobility masks selfishness and insecurity."

Angrily, I turned to look for her, but she wasn't there. It was just an empty room with moonlight streaming through the window. I shut the curtains with a snap, telling myself I was imagining things due to a lack of sleep.

Just the same, I felt her, pressing close to me, hands on me, breath blowing over my neck and face, "Don't you want to know? Don't you want to know what I did to him?"

"I'm not interested, even remotely, in that information, Jade."

"He was right, I guess—he has more experience than you—but I think you're a much tenderer lover."

Rage shuddered through me. I would have thrown her off me, if I could have. Still, I wasn't exactly sure why I felt so angry; was I jealous?

"Aside from that, the sight of you doesn't disgust me. You're a full-blooded youkai, after all, and he's nothing but a sickening, little half-human."

"There's more human in me than you realize, Jade."

"Just what do you mean by that?"

I stopped myself just in time, knowing that if she realized I'd been human once, she'd take advantage of the information and use it against me. She already had more than enough to use against me, and I couldn't afford to give her more fodder.

"I understand them, that's all. I can sympathize. I don't detest them as you do, and I don't think they're lesser than we are, and so I don't find it sickening to be human, or partially human."

"Ah, then you're foolish, my love. We are undoubtedly superior, and your friend is the lowest of the low."

Angrier than ever, I growled, "Stop it. I won't tolerate one more word of slander against him."

I heard her laugh, lowly, and it had me glancing around for her again. This time, I thought I could make out the shape of her shadow standing in the corner, hidden by the darkness, eyes sparkling. "I find the two of you so fascinating. I've never seen any two creatures so in love before—I'd like to watch you fuck each other."

"I said stop!" I stormed toward her, fist cocked, but when I reached the corner, there was nothing there, not so much as a coat rack.

Her voice was behind me, calm and mocking, "Tell me. Who's the _seme_? You're physically stronger, and behave dominantly, but he seems more masculine and doesn't look as delicate."

I whipped around, "I'm warning, you Jade. I've nearly had it with your head games."

"I had such a good time with both of you." Her voice seemed to be coming from everywhere now, "Some time, soon, all of us should have a three-way. How would you like that?"

"Not at all." I snapped my teeth.

"We can kill him when we're done. It will be glorious—the beauty of sex and violence combined into one final showdown."

"You're insane! You can't honestly think I would agree to something so vulgar!"

"The murder? Or the sex?"

"I'm not going to listen to you!" I was almost screaming now.

"But you'll consider it, won't you?" She laughed.

I spent a few minutes pacing around the room, furiously, searching every corner for her. I threw open the bathroom, and then the closet. I even went so far as to look under the bed, accidentally rousing Jeep in the process, and he fluttered up to sit on the edge of the bed. No matter. She wasn't there. She wasn't anywhere.

"What do you want from me? Why won't you just leave me alone?"

I heard her laughing, somewhere above my head, perhaps, "I told you, darling. You fascinate me. Your love for him is clearly nothing but a weakness, but you cleave to it, and you rebuff my efforts in favor of his complaints, so much so, it makes the relationship seem homosexual in nature."

I scoured the ceiling for any sign of her, but there wasn't so much as a lock of black hair.

"I can't say I'm not jealous."

"Stop this nonsense and come out and talk to me face-to-face." I ordered.

Her voice hissed in my ear, and I felt her breath, "It truly makes me _hate_ him."

With a vicious punch, I spun around again, trying to knock her face in, and my fist slammed hard against the wall, bruising on impact, and Jade was nowhere to be seen.

"If you have any idea what's good for you…" I panted, "you'll leave him alone. Get out of my life, and leave us both alone."

"There it is again: that protection and consideration. I hate him even more when you say things like that. I want _so_ badly to kill him, Cho Hakkai—you have no idea. Today, I could barely keep myself from tearing him limb from limb."

The words made my blood turn cold, my heart starting to slam, loudly, against my sternum. "I'm warning you, Jade—if you value your life, you will never, _ever_ do such a thing. I promise it will be the death of you."

Her laughter rang through the room again, like the tinkling of a bell, "But don't you understand?"

I looked up, thought I saw her, seated motionlessly on the edge of the bed, her hand caressing his hair. "He keeps us apart. He alone prevents our union, prevents your very freedom. We can never be happy as long as his heart continues to beat, and although you don't want to accept that, it _is_ reality. Think on it a while, and you'll find that I'm right. He continues to stand in our way, out of his own selfishness, while you're condemned to keep living this miserable existence—a youkai dressing like a human. A wolf in sheep's clothing. A tiger ashamed of his stripes. It's utter slavery, all for the sake of one filthy, cursed, ignorant, smudge of impure flesh."

Suddenly, I burst into laughter myself, "Oh, Jade."

She watched me through the darkness.

"I apologize for laughing, _dear_, but I feel…so, _so_ sorry for you."

"Sorry? For me?"

"Yes. I see that you must be living a very lonely life, indeed, without any touch of warmth or friendship, because anyone who's _ever_ had a friend that was even a fraction of what Gojyo is to me, would know that what you're saying is just a terrible lie, and yet you honestly believe it. You honestly believe that if I abandoned my friends and lived wild and free with _you_, I would be happy. You honestly believe that my loyalty to them is slavery. Haven't you ever loved _anyone_ in your entire life?"

"I love _you_, Cho Hakkai."

"I highly doubt that, Asahara. If you loved me, you would hold the things I care for in much higher regard—you would leave me alone, and you would renounce your vow to kill Sanzo, you would help me kill Ryptcore and then vanish from my life, and you _wouldn't_ sit there and tell me all about how much you'd like to kill Gojyo."

She was silent. Then she said, "It's true though. I love your violence and your insanity and the murder I can sense inside you. You have no idea how it feels, sensing into your soul—there is such thick blackness there, and such tragedy. You are truly a creature of night and chaos, powerful and beautiful and bloodthirsty. I've never met anyone quite so intoxicatingly dangerous.

"Your young friend, the Sage, he's dangerous and chaotic and insane as well, but he goes about it so purely, with such cheerfulness. The remorse and the heartlessness you possess puts his power to shame."

"You're the only one of the three of us who's _insane_, Jade. Goku can't control that danger—even I'm constantly on the edge of losing all control—but you willingly choose to live that way, murdering and twisting things and trivializing the good in this world. It's a wonder you ever had a husband to begin with; any man who gets so much of a glimpse of how nightmarishly psychotic you are would surely run the other way."

I could almost sense the anger that invoked in her, "Don't poke fun at my mate, Love. I think you're in a precarious position for trying to mock me—I could crush him right here, in his sleep, and you'd have nothing left but a bloody smear on the mattress."

"Let me make one thing clear." I answered, as coldly and violently as I could, "If you ever touch him again, I'm going to do more than kill you. I'm going to make you suffer."

She didn't seem bothered at all, "See? That dark look on your face is just what draws me to you, Cho Hakkai. It's terrible."

"You should pay less attention to my face and more to what I'm telling you."

"No, I don't think you could ever kill me."

"And why is that?"

"Just a hunch I have. A reasonable theory that leads me to believe that you wouldn't be able to stomach harming me in any way. In fact, I believe that, under the right circumstances, you'd sooner slay _him _than raise a hand against me."

"Well, I believe you're wrong."

"I guess we'll have to wait and see."

My heart seized up again, I clenched my fists and my teeth, shuddered deep in my bones, "We will _not_ see. You stay away from my friends, including Sanzo—I don't care if he _did_ kill your brothers and husband—I won't tolerate you terrorizing them."

"You know, there's nothing you can do to prevent it."

"I don't recommend you _test_ that hypothesis, Jade."

She retorted slowly, "It's only the truth. When Ryptcore is dead, I will come for the Sanzo. If the Sage tries to stop me, he'll be next. I intend to kill Sha Gojyo out of principle alone. There won't be a thing you can do to stop me once I've made up my mind to destroy them, and once they're dead, it won't matter if you kill me or not, because they'll still be gone, and you won't be able to get them back, and at that point, I'll be the only one you can turn to: me, and your own insanity, together. Forever."

It was the last thing I could bear to listen to, and I went for her, hands reaching out, fully intending to seize her by the throat and snap her neck, or squeeze until her eyes popped out.

She vanished at once, dissipating into the darkness.

I stopped short, barely catching myself before I fell down on the bed, and I turned around and around, looking everywhere for her, but she was gone. I waited for her voice, but it didn't come again.

"Jade?"

Nothing.

Had I imagined it?

"_Jade_?"

Perhaps I'd been asleep.

Rubbing my forehead, absently, I tried to still the beating of my heart, stood over the bed again, where Jeep had curled up on the pillow, beside Gojyo, and Lei was clinging to him like they were lovers. The three of them hadn't stirred throughout my exchange with Jade, and I wondered if that was because the conversation hadn't really taken place.

"I _am_ very tired." I reminded myself. "When one is exhausted, it's easy to let the imagination run wild."

There was no physical evidence that Jade had been there, and because of that, didn't I have every right to assume that I'd been hallucinating or dreaming? Couldn't I tell myself that every word she'd spoken, including the violent threats, had been made up out of my own subconscious fears?

I could only hope.

Immensely unsettled, I went back to the window and stared out.


	27. Chapter 27

**Dokugakuji**

We were really in the thick of it now.

My breathing was heavy and there was blood streaming from my nose, over my chin and onto my clothes, my hands hurt from gripping my sword for so long and so tightly. I was back to back with Kougaiji; we were pressed so close together, we were all but standing on each other, and I felt every move he made, every strike he took, heard every shuddering breath and every battle cry and moan of pain. All around us, the DethBreed were pressing in closer, choking my movements and falling against me. I couldn't smell anything past the blood sloshing under my boots and the fire in the city.

This had been going on forever now—Sanzo and Goku had to have run out of here at least an hour ago, and we'd been fighting that whole time. The blade of my sword was drenched in red, along with my clothes and my face.

Whenever I got the chance, I took a look at Kou, to make sure he was doing okay. Last I knew, none of his injuries were very bad, but then again, it had been a while since I'd had that chance. He could be hurt, and I wouldn't know.

I tried to tell myself that if _I_ wasn't hurt, there was no way Kougaiji was, but I couldn't help feeling worried, and my heart was slamming with anxiety. The DethBreed was stronger than I pictured them being. This was the first time we'd actually had to fight them, and I was dismayed by how well they were holding up, by how relentless they were, and how unaffected they were by pain.

"It's like holding off an army of robots." I grumbled, slicing through one, and then I stabbed his throat, just to make sure he was really dead, had to jerk upright again to counter an attack that came from above.

"These guys even mortal?" I sniffed, a little bit louder.

Kougaiji's normally calm voice sounded strained and anxious too, "As far as I know."

"But they're definitely not normal."

He didn't answer that. He didn't need to. _Obviously_, Ryptcore and his DethBreed weren't normal, because if they were, we wouldn't be having any of these problems in the first place.

I slashed through a line of soldiers, letting them collapse at my feet, and that gave me a moment to raise my head and look around. It was the first break I'd gotten in well over thirty minutes.

Up behind us, the town was a mess of chaos. The fire was spreading, but not very quickly, and there was an orange, hellish light glowing from the streets. I heard screaming from deep inside, and I figured Goku and Sanzo were fighting the general by now. Kougaiji had said we needed to go and meet them, but for an hour now, we hadn't gotten any opportunity to leave. It had been all we could do to hold the DethBreed off as Sanzo and Goku ran away.

In front of me, I saw more soldiers, lining up and moving forward to come and take the place of their fallen comrades, and I got the feeling they'd been lying in wait for their opportunity to join the fight—there were just as many now as there had been earlier, when the four of us were standing on the hill watching their approach.

"How many soldiers does that lunatic have following him?" I demanded, readying myself to continue with the fight.

Kou answered grimly. "I have a feeling this is only the beginning."

"Damn."

A handful of soldiers attacked me at once, so I guess my break was over, and I focused for the next few minutes on hacking through them, trying to take out as many as I possibly could, but when another fifteen or twenty minutes had gone by, I felt like I hadn't even made a dent in their ranks, and there were less than thirty dead around me. I trampled the corpses, tripping over them as I struggled to keep fighting. My arms were feeling tired and my lungs were burning. How much longer could we keep this up?

I took a quick look back at the town again, and I wondered how that stupid field trip was holding up. I wasn't jealous of them at all—they definitely had the messier part of the job, dealing with Ryptcore himself. That guy was caged insanity. I didn't even want to think of what was going to happen if the Sanzo Ikkou got destroyed fighting him.

That should be something we wanted—for them to break apart or be defeated by hands other than our own so that we didn't have to deal with them anymore—but if Ryptcore won, we were going to have to get rid of him by ourselves.

_This isn't about Ryptcore. Don't even kid yourself._

I didn't want the Sanzo Ikkou to be defeated by Ryptcore, or by anyone else.

"Do you think they're still fighting Ryptcore?" I asked.

Kou took a second before answering. I heard him tearing into his own opponents and letting them slump around him. "I'm sure."

"Sanzo was pretty sure that the other half of the team wasn't going to show up. What do you think?"

"I think you're more likely to have the answer to that question than I am."

Maybe. I couldn't picture Gojyo abandoning his friends, and if there was anything I'd learned from my conversation with Hakkai earlier, it was that, if Gojyo went, he was going to go too.

The thoughts stopped me in my tracks, I froze, in the middle of the fight, and stared back at the town again.

_That means…_

Gojyo was in there now, fighting Ryptcore with his friends, and I had no way of knowing if he was winning or losing, enduring or dying.

A soldier took a swipe at my face, bringing me back to life, and I stepped forward to cut his hand off right at the wrist, jumped back into the fray, fighting all the fiercer, and now, with a little desperation too.

What an impossible situation. We had to get out of here to go help the Sanzo Ikkou deal with Ryptcore, but after an hour and a half, we weren't any closer to that than we'd been. We might never get out of here.

I wanted to go and fight alongside my brother, make sure he was okay. I wanted to be there to watch his back. It was pissing me off that all these bastards were standing in the way of that.

"Kou…" I grated out, between blows, "We have to wrap this up."

He was fighting hard. I heard him panting, "I wish it were that simple, Dokugaku."

No kidding there. We were still totally surrounded, and when I looked out, all I saw was a sea of blank, blood-thirsty faces.

I tried to tell myself that Gojyo would be okay without me, but I just wasn't sure. It was Ryptcore's goal in life to murder Sanzo, and he wasn't going to be able to do that without first killing everyone else in their party.

If I could get out of here somehow, go to join them…

_It seems impossible._

And what about Kou? I couldn't leave Kou here. I'd never get out without the DethBreed focusing on someone other than me…

_There's no way I can turn my back on Kou and expect him to cover me just so I can go to my brother._

My brother. My prince. How was I supposed to choose one over the other?

I couldn't cover them both at the same time.

Grimly, I kept fighting, teeth set, whole body feeling sore.

Nails clawed my side, barely ripping through my skin, and I spun around, lopping off a head with one fluid swing of my sword. I was getting really angry about all this.

"I can't believe that bitch released these freaks on purpose." Kougaiji said angrily.

"I know." I wiped some blood off my forehead, not knowing if it was mine or someone else's.

He was quiet for a minute or two, and I focused on the fight again, trying not to think about Gojyo facing Ryptcore.

That freak was so insanely powerful…when we'd fought him on the mountain, I'd been able to sense his strength, and it had scared me, because I knew there was more to it than I could even feel.

Dammit. My brother could get killed!

Behind me, Kougaiji started shouting, his furious voice breaking through the hustle of battle and piercing the night sky.

I chopped a guy in half, turned to look at Kou over my shoulder for a split second, afraid I was going to see him missing an arm, or bleeding really bad.

His fists were on fire with red flames, and he was tearing through soldiers one after another, with his bare hands and claws. He started chanting, barking out each word, choppily, and his voice echoed around us. There was a burst of red and heat. Kou screamed, and I watched his magic tear through the ranks around us. The soldiers burst into flames, crumbling like ashes in a matter of seconds, and died without screaming. Kougaiji's fire continued to blaze through them, dismembering some and decapitating others, blood splashing around us in a sudden storm.

When it was over, and the fire had vanished again, at least fifty men were dead, and the others had frozen where they were, to stare and try to figure out what had happened, obviously.

Kou and I stood close together, and I was panting.

"Wow. They really didn't like that."

Kou nodded, looking very serious. "I should have known."

"What do you mean?" I asked, taking the opportunity to stretch my tired arms, checked over both my shoulders to make sure I wasn't being attacked from behind, but they still seemed too stunned to act.

"These direct attacks haven't been working…unless you're able to kill them in one blow, they just keep coming back."

"It's like they don't feel pain." I agreed.

Now a couple were moving forward again, but slowly and uncertainly.

"I should have thought about it… Magic, if used correctly, can be strong enough to destroy even the strongest of opponents with just one blow. Usually, if direct attacks don't work, magic does."

That wasn't very comforting to me—I didn't know any magic techniques, not even one.

"So…" Kou went on, a little more carefully now, "My magic, my summon monsters, Sanzo's sutra, maybe even Hakkai's chi manipulation…those kinds of things should work best on the DethBreed."

"And if they work on the DethBreed, you think they'll work on Ryptcore too. Right?"

"I think so."

"Does Sanzo know that?"

"I have no idea…but, he really should. It would help him out a lot."

I thought about it. If Sanzo knew, wouldn't Ryptcore be dead by now? He probably didn't know, but Kou was right—he _should_ know—and whatever helped Sanzo out would help my brother too. Besides…

I tried to think clearly.

Sanzo had his sutra, Kou had his magic and summons, Hakkai had his chi…

All together, the three of them should be more than enough to destroy Ryptcore, I thought, and even with his sutra, Sanzo needed all the help he could get.

That settled it.

The soldiers were coming to life again, starting to shift toward us, but they were still taking their time, and that meant we had a perfect opportunity to make a move now. We wouldn't for long. There were still so many, even with Kou's magic, it was going to take some time, and we didn't have time to waste.

"You should go." I told him.

Kou looked up at me, "Go where?"

"As if you're not already thinking about it, Kou. You should go and help Sanzo. Your combined powers are enough to kill Ryptcore, don't you think?"

That seemed to trouble him, and he took a second to answer, "I have no way of knowing…"

"Either way, it's the best shot we've got, don't you think?"

More hesitation, and then he nodded.

"Then I think you should go while you have a chance."

"I'm not sure we can get out of here that easily. By the time we reach Sanzo, it could be too late."

"Then you should go now."

Reluctantly, he looked up at me, "And you?"

"I'll hold them back."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not? It's the only thing that's going to work, Kou. If we try to get out of here together, it'll just be a mess—we'll just lead all these freaks back to where Sanzo and his team are fighting Ryptcore, and things will be even worse for everyone. If I hold them off and you make a break for it, I'll make sure nobody follows you, and then you guys can have a chance at killing Ryptcore."

I could see he wanted to argue, but I didn't think there was anything in the world that could possibly make more sense than what I'd just told him. "It's dangerous, Dokugaku." He said at last. "You could get killed. I am not walking out on you, not for anything."

"Look, Kou, we don't have a lot of time to figure it out, do we? You have to take the chance while you have it." Even now, the DethBreed was starting to attack again, moving in a little quicker. "I'll be fine. I'll kill off as many as I can…" I struggled to choke out the rest of the words, knowing that I might not be able to do anything. I might not be able to make it out of this fight alive, not if I was fighting all by myself. Was it all worth getting killed for?

_Kou and Goj are worth getting killed for, yeah. No doubt about that. If it's gotta' be me or one of them, I want it to be me…_

"Then I'll come meet you." I finished at last.

"Dokugakuji, I'm not sure that-"

"God dammit, Kou!" I shouted, watching the troops move in even more quickly now. "We don't have time for this! If we want Ryptcore to die tonight, you have to go help Sanzo! If you don't, then we're probably _all_ going to die, so if I have to go down to make that happen, that's just the way it is!"

Kou frowned and shook his head, "I don't agree, Doku. I don't think it's worth it…"

"You _ know_ it is." I hacked through an enemy who'd gotten within my reach. "Now stop it and go."

He didn't move.

"It's the only way." I insisted, quietly. "If you stay here and fight it out with me, the others will probably die…and I don't know if we can take out Ryptcore by ourselves. This is our one chance to destroy that monster once and for all."

Kou was quiet and still a while longer, and then he clasped my shoulder, firmly, "You're not going down. You're going to come and meet me as soon as you're done here—is that clear?"

"Yes sir."

"If you're not there soon, I'm going to come and look for you—I don't care what happens to the Sanzo Ikkou in the meantime."

"Kou." I sighed.

"No." He snapped. "I get what this is all about—I understand why you feel that way, Dokugakuji, and I can't blame you, not when I've got Lirin to think about—but I don't give a damn about any of it. When I'm done settling up with Ryptcore, if you still haven't come, I'm coming back to find you. That's all there is to it."

I knew better than to argue with him about that, so I nodded, feeling suddenly very tired, "All right, I think I can live with that, just get going now, or none of this will matter."

Kou began to back away, turned around to prepare to run through a gap in their ranks.

I knew I shouldn't delay him, but I couldn't help it. I muttered, almost inaudibly, "Hey, Kou, will you…do me a favor?"

"What is it?"

How should I say it? I wasn't really sure… I knew I might not make it through this. I might be dead by sunrise, and if I was…how could I let everything I'd ever felt or thought fall aside like it was nothing?

"Just…tell my brother I said 'hey', would'ja'?"

He looked back at me, solemnly, and our eyes met, "Of course, my friend."

I tried to smile, "It's been an honor…fighting alongside you, Prince-"

"Don't." He interrupted. "Don't start talking like I'll never see you again; this isn't the end."

Weakly, I nodded, "You're right. My bad."

For a few more moments, we looked at each other, and then he said, "I'll see you soon."

With that, he spun away and cut out, rushing through the rapidly closing gap, had to knock a few men down as he went, but he broke through their ranks and shot straight up the hill, toward the town. A few soldiers tried to chase after him, but I lunged forward and cut them off, lopping a couple heads and an arm off, and Kou kept running without looking back. I watched him a second, saw him spring straight up onto a rooftop and disappear over it. Even when he was out of sight, I watched a bit longer before returning my attention to the fight.

And now I was fighting something else too. I felt alone and scared, I was facing an army of enemies, with not so much as a single ally to watch my back, and the DethBreed was coming at me from all sides.

I felt their attack hit me like a wave, washing over me, from the front, from behind, from both sides—it was all I could do to keep up. Fingernails raked down my back, and I swept around, slicing off an arm, horizontal cut and tore through another man. I had to whip back to the side again, just as someone else was trying to tear into my side. I killed him.

There was pain in my leg, and I growled in outrage, cut the youkai responsible down from shoulder to hip. Blood sprayed everywhere. A soldier sprang up on my back, and I threw him off, into a crowd of his comrades. They all surged forward together.

More were coming up out of the grass. Another fifty or so, it looked like—more than enough to cover what Kou had taken out with his magic. I steadied myself and tried to be ready for battle.

It seemed like it went on forever, with claws and weapons and teeth coming at me from every angle, sometimes shredding through my clothes and tearing into my skin, sometimes barely missing ripping into my organs. In a matter of minutes, I was bathed almost completely in red—I could taste blood on my tongue and feel it clinging to every inch of my body. The DethBreed jabbed at me and moved in closer, circling around me without words or laughter, but it just made me angry, and I fought that much harder. I couldn't let this battle overcome me, not when my Prince expected to see me again.

Maybe it was just a waiting game now. Maybe I had no choice but to ride this out and hope that Kou returned to help me before too long.

No. No, that was pathetic. I had to get out of this on my own.

Someone cut into my arm.

I turned to see a jeering, demonic face, stabbed straight through his eye, into his brains. More blood flowed up over my forearm.

Relentlessly, they came down on me, and I strained to keep my wits about me. There was no time to think about Kou now, or Gojyo, or anything. I was in a fight for my life, going back and forth, back and forth, spilling intestines here now, only to whip around and, seconds later, stab another soldier through the chest. They grabbed at me and jumped on me, tried to trip me. More bodies fell down at my feet, and it was hard to stand. When I breathed, I felt my throat aching. When I swung, I felt my arms stinging, and as time went by, I felt them threatening to give out completely.

To me, it felt like hours passed. The moon faded across the sky above me, drifting toward the Western horizon, and as time went by, I began to feel like the fight would never end. I was in a lot of pain, and I was starting to feel exhausted. Around me there were spurts of red and sudden flashes of white teeth. I heard snapping and snarling, but never voices. It was like the end of the world, and I was the last sane man alive, and everyone else was hell bent on destroying me.

I screamed as loudly as I could, at the very top of my lungs, and dove into the thickest part of the fray, swinging my sword wildly, around and around, back and forth, chopping, hacking, slashing, slicing and dicing them any way I could. I severed legs from bodies and they collapsed in heaps, not even moaning, kept trying to fight, even when they couldn't stand up anymore. They were insane.

Maybe I was insane too. I'd sent away Kougaiji to fight this horde by myself. What was I thinking? There was no way I could possibly get out of this alive.

Exhaustion fell over me. My body was heavy and my limbs felt like noodles, my eyes were burning, head aching, but I knew I had to keep going, so I forced myself to continue with the fight. How much longer could it last?

Soon, I started feeling like my legs might give out. I knew I had good endurance—I'd been fighting as a hobby for most of my life—and being in Kougaiji's service, I was always training to make sure I was in top condition. I was young, in my prime, but the DethBreed was just so relentless. I began to wonder if I could possibly survive this, and then, not long after that, I started to doubt it, if only because, every time I killed a soldier, there was another one to replace him. Their force seemed just as strong as ever, and nothing I did could diminish them. My direct attacks weren't enough, like Kougaiji said, and I didn't have any magic to fall back on. Could I do this at all?

With another angry shout, I threw myself into them, ignoring the painful scrapes of their nails and the vicious swipes of their blades, the gnashing of their teeth, and I just fought for all I was worth, never backing down, never relenting, pushing all pain, discomfort and exhaustion into the furthest corner of my mind. I found my instincts and I let them lead me. I clung to my determination and shut out my own thoughts and just acted. Someone over my shoulder—I slaughtered him. A whisper of teeth here, and then I'd cut through them. Any time an opponent rose up, I cut him down. I refused to lose this without even a decent fight. I would not go down in history as a coward or a quitter or as the man who'd given up. I would fight until my last breath, because that's what I had to do, in order to protect Kougaiji and Gojyo. It was the only way…

If anything ever happened to either of them, I could never forgive whoever was responsible, and I couldn't forgive myself either.

Time continued to wear on, and my exhaustion just increased. My sword was so heavy, there were moments when I thought I couldn't hold it up. Eventually, I let it go, and it vanished, and I attacked them with my own claws and even my teeth, tore through them with everything I had, not so much as flinching when I felt them clip or slice me.

_How long will this go?_ I asked myself.

_Forever._ Was the answer. And so what if it was forever? I had better keep right on fighting and not bother thinking about time. This was my life, and it was at stake now, so I couldn't even think about hunger or fear, pain, loss, and eventually, I knew I couldn't think about Kou coming back or about Gojyo being okay. I couldn't worry about whether or not I saw either of them again. I had to fight. I'd been born to, and I couldn't let myself down—I was more important than anything else right now.

Later, when I'd defeated all these bastards, I'd think about them. But right now…

A soldier rammed me in the back, and I lost my footing. About four of them came for me at once, knocking me down, and I hit the ground hard, landing among the blood and the corpses. Thrashing, I fought to get up again, even with them all circling and looming over me. Sharp pain shot through my skull and I fell face-forward, losing my vision for a moment, but I could still feel hands pawing at me and enemies nudging at me. There was no sound, aside from a high-pitched ringing in my ears, and the shuffle of people swarming around me, shoving against each other, the crack of bones as they trampled their own fallen comrades and splashed through the thick, damp grass. Fear seized me. I knew that if I laid there too long, they'd kill me.

Fighting to shake off the blindness, I summoned my sword again and struggled to rise, only to be crushed down again. I felt more pain, this time in my arm. Shouting, I swung my sword, back and forth, over and over. I sawed through a pair of legs and chopped through a couple of waists, desperately trying to clear some of them away, to make room to get up again.

They kicked me down.

My heart was really racing now, the fear was taking over. I couldn't afford to lose. I couldn't die here, no matter what happened, I had to get up again.

Unfamiliar faces hovered over me. I swung at them, trying to rip their heads off with my bare hands.

They faded back like shadows, and I missed.

Somehow, my right arm was pinned. No matter how I strained, I couldn't wrench free.

Desperation was growing. I could hardly breathe—they were smothering me, drowning me with their numbers and expressionless faces.

With a scream, I lashed out with my free hand, but it was soon pinned down too. I felt the ground beneath me, wet with blood, as I struggled, fighting for all I was worth, but it wasn't enough. No matter what move I made, they were right there, holding me tightly against the ground.

This could be it, I realized, bleakly. This could be the end of me.

The thought only made me fight that much harder, and I actually managed to break loose and spring up again, staggering. Fell to my knees a second later. I screamed and hacked at the air, missed.

A man stood over me. He was bigger than the others, and his eyes were gleaming. In his hand, he held a long, curved sword. He cocked his arm back, and our gazes locked.

For a moment, I was still, just gaping at the man, trying to make myself believe that what I was witnessing was real.

The others crowded around me, so escape was impossible.

My executioner readied himself. In another five seconds, my head would be gone

Kou wasn't back yet—he couldn't save me. I sat and stared up at the man who was about to kill me, and realized that I had sealed my own fate by staying here to hold them back. Now all I could hope was that, somehow…

_Somehow it was enough to get rid of Ryptcore. Somehow Kougaiji's okay, and Gojyo's alive, and Ryptcore is dead, so my sacrifice isn't for nothing…_

I closed my eyes, preparing for the fall of the sword.

_Don't let this be for nothing…_

Then, right when I was ready for the end, I heard a sound in the distance. At first, it was like the low howl of wind on a winter's night, and it grew into the rumble of far-off thunder, growing closer and closer, until it sounded to me like there was lightning striking directly over my head. I opened my eyes and stared up at the sky, saw the clouds above me, illuminated by a strange, brilliant, white light that lit up everything around me so that the night was as bright as day, and the moon was drowned out. The white light lingered for what seemed like forever, and then it suddenly flashed orange, and another explosion shook the ground. A split second later, there was a flair of purple, and another loud boom. Somewhere in the distance, I thought I heard a peal of long, ragged screaming.

As quickly as it all happened, the lights and the sounds died away, back into distant thunder, and then into nothing. The night was dark, and everything was still. The DethBreed wasn't moving, they were all staring away, back toward the town.

Panting heavily, I looked that way too, thinking I'd see something—anything really—Ryptcore, or Kougaiji or the Sanzo Ikkou. Something.

The town was quieter than ever. Not a remnant of fire or of terrified voices.

A couple minutes dragged by like that. I thought the DethBreed would get over it and go back to killing me, but none of them moved, and then, slowly, after some time had gone by, they all began to back away from me. They didn't make a sound. They just let go of me, their fingers leaving prints and marks on me, and they dropped their weapons, and receded back into the shadows, disappearing, a couple at a time.

Before I knew it, they were all gone, and that's when I realized that the explosions I'd seen must have been something major. Was Ryptcore dead? Maybe he'd won the battle and the others were all dead. It could have gone either way—the DethBreed hadn't given any indication of either as they'd slipped away.

Whatever had happened, I hardly had time to think about it. The only thing I could get my mind around was that I was alive, and I was okay. I checked my body for any serious injuries, but everything looked intact, for the most part; no fatal wounds.

I couldn't believe I wasn't going to die, and I stared after the shadows a while, sort of expecting some of the soldiers to come back and finish me, but nothing stirred on the hillside, and slowly, I began to believe that the battle was really over. Had I won? Had I lost? Neither of those words seemed to mean anything just now. I was alive, and that was a triumph all its own.

With a heavy sigh, I fell facedown again, in the bloody grass, and I shut my eyes.

**Gojyo**

I had a terrible dream. Something about the guys, I think; everyone was fighting. Everyone was trying to kill each other. There was nothing I could do to fix it. When it was over, I hit the ground like a bag of sand, drenched in blood and unbearable pain, and Hakkai stood over me, holding my still beating heart in one hand.

It was so real.

I woke up with a start, body jerking from fear, throat aching to scream, cold sweat streaming down my forehead. The room was dark, and it took me a second to remember where I was. Lei was still beside me, one arm draped over my chest. I was surprised I hadn't woken her up.

Hakkai was still awake. I could barely make out his silhouette standing at the window across the room.

Careful not to bother Lei, I sat up, rubbing my forehead. "Ugh. How long was I asleep?"

He didn't answer.

I swung my legs over the edge of the bed, "Hey, Hakkai?"

"Not long. But…it's just as well, I suppose. Was it a nightmare?"

A nightmare? I thought about the vague, violent dream I'd just had and couldn't resist the urge to shudder. Hell yeah it was a nightmare. I didn't think I'd ever dreamed anything more terrifying.

"Nah. Just a weird dream. Whadya' mean it's just as well?"

"Only that I wouldn't have let you sleep much longer anyway."

"Wha?"

For the first time, I noticed there was noise coming from outside. Lots of loud crashing and shouting and shattering glass.

I crossed the room to stand next to him. "What is it?"

"Unfortunately for us, it appears to be Ryptcore and his army."

I looked out the window, and I could see youkai—dozens of youkai—running crazy in the streets, with swords and other weapons, chasing people around with torches..

"Sonnova bitch. Right now?"

"I'm afraid sleeping in has become a distant dream." Hakkai turned to me, "You are up to this, are you not?"

"Yeah. Sure." I tried to sound pretty confident, but I wasn't sure I was actually up for it. I still felt really tired and hurt, and my dream was bothering me. The last thing I wanted was to go out there and fight them. I really wanted to say 'that's Sanzo's problem', and just go back to bed, but I knew I couldn't. I studied him a moment, and I could sense his youkai energy, raging wild, noticing that it seemed even more out of control than before. I knew his energy as well as I knew any other part of him, and what I felt now seemed like it was barely Hakkai. Like he was one bad shove away from falling off the reservation and never coming back. "Are you?"

"I don't know exactly, but, it hardly matters since there's really nothing we can do to avoid it. Sanzo and Goku will need our help."

That was not the answer I wanted to hear, but I knew he was right, so I sighed and went back over to the bed to shake Lei. "Wake up, babe."

While she was coming around, yawning and stretching, I sat down to put my boots on, and I couldn't help feeling peeved that this was happening. I mean, couldn't a guy catch a break? Ever?

Lei sat up, voice sounding drowsy, "What is it?"

I smiled at her. "No big deal, we just gotta' go and sort some stuff out…"

Hakkai and me ran through the streets. I had my shakujou in hand, and I felt like I was surrounded by enemies. DethBreed soldiers were everywhere, running like maniacs, breaking everything they came across, grabbing people, fighting people, fighting each other, busting windows and setting buildings on fire. Sometimes we had to stop and fight one, just every here and there, but for the most part, we stayed on the move. At this point, the only way we were going to find Sanzo and Goku would be by finding Ryptcore. I could sense his chi burning somewhere in the distance, over on the western side of town. It was like a massive thunderstorm, building miles and miles away, and the closer I got, the more I felt like I could feel the earth itself trembling. It seemed even stronger than it had before.

_Just our luck._

"You know, I am not stoked about this."

"Nor I."

He was being sort of tight-lipped now. I could tell he was nervous, and with good reason. The last time he fought that freak, he had to take his limiter off. Hopefully this time it would be okay. It would be all four of us against that asshole, for the first time, and if everybody stayed sane, I thought we could get out of it okay.

Or maybe that was just my optimism kicking in. It seemed to do that when things were so bad I could barely take it anymore. A shrink would probably call it a defense mechanism.

_So what if it is?_

I wanted to believe that me and the guys could finally put an end to this if we fought him all at once. I wanted to believe I was going to wake up tomorrow morning and say 'holy shit, that sucked. Let's keep trucking'. I wanted to think I was going to get my chance to avenge Deshi, and then sleep for more than a handful of hours, in a real bed. I wanted to think I was going to get an opportunity to sleep with Lei, at some point. My ribs were going to heal, magically, maybe, and in a couple of days, this would all be a far away nightmare. Hell, maybe we'd all just laugh about it some day.

_Idiotically optimistic—that is definitely a defense mechanism._

I didn't want to think about what was actually going to happen…

Suddenly, I slid to a halt, clenching my shakujou tighter.

Was I imagining it, or…?

Hakkai stopped too. We looked at each other.

"I felt it too." He said grimly. "There was just a massive spike in youkai energy."

"That's not…what I think it is though…right?"

"I'm afraid it probably is. After all, it stands to reason that if Goku and Sanzo are facing Ryptcore by themselves, that might be…necessary."

"Yeah, but what about Kougaiji and Dokugakuji? They're supposed to be helping them, right?"

"I don't know, Gojyo."

We started running again, that much faster. A group of youkai tried to block us off, so we had to take time to finish them off. They were all just a little bit tougher than the average assassin, but not so strong that we couldn't handle it. Maybe everything would be okay, if we weren't running on such a tight schedule.

I felt like it took us forever to get through the town, chasing the beacon of Ryptcore's power and plowing through rows of soldiers. There were dead humans everywhere. It seemed like I was always having to jump over a new, bleeding corpse, and I didn't see any live people anywhere. I guess they'd all either gotten out of town or were killed.

_This town is just another notch on that assholes belt._

Finally, I felt like Ryptcore's power was hovering right in front of us, a huge dome of dark, electrifying energy, and then I could hear shouting and snarling and gun fire, and by that time, I could definitely feel Goku's chi too. There was no doubt in my mind that he'd lost his diadem somehow.

"What're we gonna' do?" I called out to Hakkai, weaving through a group of soldiers. One tried to grab me and I chopped his arm off at the shoulder.

"I'm not sure. We'll have to survey the situation before we do anything."

"Just as long as you don't take your limiter off." I told him, slowing to a jog. It sounded like they were right ahead of us now, just around the next corner.

Hakkai eased his pace too, but he didn't look at me as he answered, "I can't promise you that."

"Yeah, but _dude_—"

There was a wild scream, and then somebody smashed into the building next to me, crashing through the window and lying there limply. It looked like one of Ryptcore's crazy soldiers.

We both looked up to see that we were standing in a pretty narrow street, and a ways down, there was Ryptcore and Goku, fighting like wild animals. The kid definitely had his limiter off, and he didn't look hurt too bad. Ryptcore looked crazier than ever. His eyes were wild, there was blood smeared across his face and chest and dripping from his claws, but he didn't look like he was hurt either. They seemed to be matching each other blow for blow.

The DethBreed was gathered all around, blocking off the far end of the street and cramming into the alley ways, but like last time, they didn't cheer or boo or anything. They were totally quiet, just watching the fight without a word.

Sanzo was there too. He was darting around the street, firing at random, obviously aiming for Ryptcore's face. Every now and then, either Ryptcore or Goku would go after him, and it looked like it was all he could do to keep from getting ripped open; from the look on his face, I could tell he was super distressed, but at least he wasn't running away. Bright red was staining his robes. Now _that_ probably was his blood.

In the same instant, Hakkai and I rushed forward, "Sanzo!" We stood on either side of him, me gripping my shakujou tight, Hakkai ready to fire off a chi blast.

Sanzo took one more shot at Ryptcore, which must have missed, because the two of them went on fighting, and then he spat some blood out.

"Hey, you okay, man?" I asked.

"What's it to you?"

Wow, he sounded angry. Angry, angry, angry. I guess he had every reason to be pissed, but I didn't like that he was taking it out on me straight out of the gate. I mean, I had plenty of reasons to be pissed off too.

Before I could fire anything back at him, he snorted, "What the hell are you two assholes doing here?"

"What? We came to help you, you dick!"

"I didn't ask for your help." He was reloading his gun.

"Oh, yeah, it looks like you're doing _just fine_, Sanzo."

"Shut it and get the hell outta' here, or this next bullet's for you."

"Hey, you fucking asshole-"

"Sanzo. Gojyo." Hakkai interrupted in a quiet, too-serious tone.

Ryptcore and Goku had paused in their fight, and all eyes were on us, curious and hungry. Goku's body was shuddering with laughter, and the grin on his face was psychotic.

Ryptcore laughed too, "There, you see, little Sanzo? I told you they'd come running—the demon slayer and the abomination. Now you're all here, and I shall kill all four of you."

"Suck my dick." I snorted, not really thinking about it. I was just pissed about what Sanzo had said.

Ryptcore grinned at me. For a second, he was standing there, a good hundred feet away, and then, the next thing I knew, he was right in front of me, leaning down so that we were face to face. I caught a whiff of his breath. It smelled like rancid meat.

"Is that _really_ what you want me to do?" He gurgled, running one long claw down the length of my torso.

"You fucking psycho!" I took a swing at him, almost broke my knuckles across his jaw, I hit him so hard.

The maniac just laughed and sprang back, "Oh, ah-ah, Sha Gojyo. It's not your turn yet. The three of you will all get your chance to lose your life by my hands, but at the moment, I'm occupied with your friend, the Sage."

Just like that, he sprang at Goku, and they went back to fighting.

"What an absolute _lunatic_." I shuddered.

"Hmph. It's your own fault for always being so crass." Sanzo decided, calmly.

"_I'm_ crass? What about _you_, huh, Mister Holy? You got quite a mouth on _you_."

"Please." Hakkai interrupted, "Sanzo, why don't you tell us a bit about what's going on here? For instance, I thought Kougaiji and Dokugakuji were supposed to be helping you."

"Those bastards…" Sanzo shook his head, "I'm not sure _where_ they are."

"Aw, what? Did'ja chase _them_ off with your winning attitude too."

"Gojyo." Hakkai scolded. "Well, Sanzo? You mean to say they left on purpose?"

"No. Not necessarily." Sanzo was glaring daggers at me. "The four of us were going to meet Ryptcore and we got separated. Goku and I bumped into Ryptcore and had to start fighting without them."

"What became of his diadem?"

"He took it off."

"I see. I suppose he thought that was his best chance at surviving this."

"Hn. He's an idiot. I tried to stop him, but he wouldn't listen."

"What do you mean he wouldn't _listen_?" I demanded. "You couldn't keep him from taking it off? What kinda' bullshit is _that_?"

Sanzo snarled at me—I must have struck a nerve—"Mind your own business, asshole! _No_ I couldn't keep him from taking it off! Just like _you_ couldn't keep Hakkai from taking _his_ off!"

"What the fuck do you know about _that_?" I practically shouted.

"Looks like _somebody_ tore into you. You mean it _wasn't_ Hakkai?"

"Why don't you take your own advice and mind your own business, Sanzo? It's got nothing to do with you how I-"

"Then don't go slinging blame around, you half-wit. Your pal's going berserk and you're bitching at _me_ for letting Goku remove his diadem when we're in the middle of a fucking fight?!"

"Hey, am I crazy, or is it _just_ a little bit different? Goku's bat-shit-crazy-outta' control without his limiter, and Hakkai's-"

"And Hakkai could go berserk at any given second. _That's_ the difference."

"You know what, dickhead, we came all the way out here to help you, so maybe you'd better stow all your high-and-mighty, self-important-"

"You two. Do you really think now is the best time to be bickering?" Hakkai somehow managed to be heard over my shouting. He waited until he was sure we were both going to stay quiet, and then he turned to Sanzo, "What do you think we should do?"

Sanzo glared at me a little while longer before he said, "I'd like to see what this bag of wind would think of the Makai Tenjyo…but I can't find any opportunity to use it."

"In other words, you're in need of a diversion."

"That was why the monkey took his diadem off in the first place. He thought maybe it would buy me the chance I needed, but so far, it hasn't."

"I see…" Hakkai looked thoughtful.

Sanzo waited a moment before saying, "The problem now is that Goku keeps getting in the way. If someone distracted him, while someone _else_ distracted Ryptcore, I might be able to get it to work."

"_Might_?" I scoffed.

He growled at me, "It's the best chance we have."

Hakkai sounded troubled. "Yes, but to come between Ryptcore and Goku without being torn to pieces…"

"It would be very dangerous…"

"That person would have to be able to hold their own against the Seiten Taisei, _at least_."

Sanzo fixed his eyes on him, very seriously. "There's only one person here who can do that, Hakkai."

"Wait a minute!" I interrupted. "Do you understand what you're asking him to do?"

"Yes. Do you?"

"Well, did it even occur to you that maybe throwing half-berserk, limitless Hakkai into the mix will only make shit _worse_?"

"It's our only option."

"No way! Hell, _I'll_ go in there and-"

"And get killed."

"Sanzo's right." Hakkai said suddenly, and I saw that he was toying with his limiter cuffs.

"Hakkai, wait."

"We can't wait, Gojyo. We can't wait for Kougaiji and Dokugakuji to show up. We can't wait for something better to come along. We have one shot at getting rid of Ryptcore, and this is it, otherwise, we're all going to die here tonight." He looked at Sanzo again, then back at me, "Can the two of you do it?"

"Do what?" I demanded.

"Finish off Ryptcore. Get Goku's diadem back on, _and_ bring me around?"

"We did it before." Sanzo said.

"Not completely by yourselves though. Just the two of you."

"Hn. Just do your part and don't bother with us."

Hakkai wouldn't relent though. "Sanzo, I'm about to put my very sanity on the line, faithfully believing that it will be worth it, because the two of you won't let me down. All I want to know is, can the two of you stop fighting _each other_ long enough to see this through?"

Sanzo and I stared at him a second. I guess neither of us had realized that was what he was driving at. Next, we glanced at each other, but I couldn't read Sanzo's face for shit.

"You're not renowned for being able to work well together."

Sanzo threw his cigarette down, pissed off as usual, "Like I said, worry about your part, Hakkai."

Hakkai sighed, tiredly, and then he looked at me.

"Hey, pal, don't think for a second that me not getting along with Sanzo is going to be the reason everybody dies and goes to hell."

"I already told you it could be, didn't I?"

"Not tonight." I insisted firmly.

He turned his back to me, watching Ryptcore and Goku go at it, removed his first cuff, slowly.

I took a short step closer to him, feeling a little bit desperate, "I don't want you to do this."

"I know you don't."

"We should try to find another way."

"There's no time for that. It isn't right for us to rely entirely on Goku to resolve this issue."

The second cuff was off. His chi was that much more intense, and I could feel the hair on my neck standing on end.

"Yeah, but this could be the last time, Hakkai…"

"It _will_ be the last time."

"That's not what I mean." I said darkly.

He took the last one off. His youkai power swelled, in a flash of blinding strength, his appearance changed. Hakkai half turned to me, that one golden eye searching my soul. He held the cuffs out to me, "Please hold on to these. I don't want them to get lost."

Reluctantly, I took them. "What the fuck, man? You got your own pockets."

He just laughed.

"Shit. I give up." I stuffed them into the pocket of my pants. "Just get outta' here."

"Oh, but there is one more thing."

"Yeah. What?"

"If it's not too much trouble, don't allow Sanzo to shoot me."

"Hell no. You didn't even have to _ask._"

His smile deepened, but his eyes weren't feeling it. He looked sad, and sort of scared, and I wanted to punch Sanzo in the face for making him do this. "However…if I don't come back, that means you'll have to stop me yourself."

"What? Why the hell do _I _have to be the one, Hakkai?"

"Because, that's the way I want it."

"Man, you sure want some messed up stuff lately."

He chuckled, "Yes, it would seem that's true. Never-the-less… Do you think you can do it?"

Never mind that I really didn't want to.

"…Guess so."

"You need to be sure."

"Look, I'm not gonna' have to."

"I hope you're right."

"You're coming back, Hakkai."

He smiled over his shoulder at me, apologetically, and then he stepped away.

_You _better_ come back._

Hakkai darted forward and entered the fight smoothly, getting right between Goku and Ryptcore, even while they were in the process of trying to rip the shit out of each other. He drove at Ryptcore, ramming him in the sternum with his shoulder; the psycho wasn't expecting it, so he went flying back, and Hakkai turned on Goku immediately, just in time to block him from slicing him straight down the back.

Goku laughed and danced away, charged again and sprang straight up in the air to dive down on him.

Hakkai leapt out of the way, twisted to the side to let Goku's claws glide past him. They spent a few moments exchanging hits. Goku was all tooth and nails, but Hakkai must have been partly in control of himself, because he was throwing normal punches and kicks, not trying to tear into Goku at all.

Further down the street, Ryptcore was getting up and marching back toward the fight.

I twirled my shakujou. "Right. So he's gonna' keep Goku busy, I gotta' distract Ryptcore, and _you're_ gonna' use the Makai Tenjyo to kill him _before_ he shreds me from skull to dick?"

"You gotta' problem with that?"

"Actually, I have a lot of problems with that."

"Fill out a comment card later. Just get your ass in there and do your share."

"You know, Sanzo, I'm not sure you give me all the credit I deserve."

"I disagree. I think I give you _more_ credit than you've ever earned."

I started to shout something back at him, but someone beat me out, screaming over me, wildly.

"You! How dare you show your face here?"

I glanced around for the source.

A youkai was coming out of the crowd of soldiers, shoving his way through his comrades and pushing his way to the front. It took me a second to recognize him, but when I saw his platinum blonde hair and all his facial piercings, I remembered he was Gang, the officer who'd gotten away the night Hakkai killed Chang.

Gang stood out in front of all the others and pointed at Hakkai, "Turn around and face me, Cho Hakkai!"  
Hakkai dodged one of Goku's deadly attacks and backed down to glance at Gang, "I beg your pardon?"

"Don't pretend you don't remember me. You killed my brother!"

_Brother?_ Well, shit. Brothers sure could be irritating lately.

Hakkai gave him only the slightest consideration before having to get out of the way for Goku's claws again. He almost clipped him that time. "I don't particularly have time for a family feud."

Ryptcore was coming up behind him, arms outstretched, blood dripping from his claws.

"Hakkai! Behind you!"

Hakkai dove to the side. Goku and Ryptcore crashed into each other.

Gang drew his two dao swords, "Fuck you!" He ran at Hakkai, slashing first with one, and then with the other. Hakkai managed to dodge both attacks, wound up with his back against the wall, and had to duck under a third.

"Shit, we weren't counting on _that_, were we?"

Sanzo snapped, "Just get in there and pull your own weight already!"

"Jeez! Alrigh, alright, I'm going." I still didn't move for a second. Ryptcore, Goku and Gang were all after Hakkai right now. Every now and then, Goku and Ryptcore would get distracted and take an arbitrary swing at each other, but they always wound up going after Hakkai again. So far, he was holding his own okay, but he was definitely having to stay on the defensive.

If I ran in head first and started trying to fist fight with Ryptcore, it might distract him long enough for Sanzo to use the sutra, but I'd probably get killed. I'd better try something a little more indirect.

"Well?" Sanzo demanded.

"Go fuck yourself, Sanzo." I grumbled, and then I ran into the fight too, going straight for Ryptcore.

He saw me coming and laughed, "You really are eager to die, aren't you?" He tried to grab me.

I ducked under him and went around, sprang up on the wall and flung my chain at him.

Ryptcore caught the sickle in one hand.

Not everyone could do that. I gaped at him, "No…way…"

He jerked it hard, yanking me toward him.

For a moment, I was in the air above his head. He opened his mouth like he was going to swallow me whole.

I landed on top of his head, slamming his freakish, shark mouth shut, sprang off.

He whirled around and caught me by the back of the jacket, threw me into Hakkai, and we crashed to the ground, dragging Goku down with us.

The kid snarled and thrashed back and forth. I felt his claws barely nick my jaw as he flailed around, angrily.

I jumped to my feet, Hakkai coming up right behind me. He punched Goku in the face, knocking him back and giving us a little space.

"I'll kill all three of you at once!" Ryptcore cried. "And then Sanzo will have to face me alone!"

Gang was moving in, spinning his swords like propellers.

"You're supposed to be distracting Ryptcore." Hakkai informed me.

"Is _that_ what I'm supposed to do?"

Goku and Gang attacked us at the same time. I felt one of the dao swords whistle past my ear. Goku's claws scraped me down the arm from elbow to wrist.

"Dammit, kid!" I shoved him back with my shakujou, managed to cut around him, and went at Ryptcore again, who was laughing like a maniac.

He caught me by the head, held me out, an arm's length away, and I slashed at him with my shakujou. I think the blade even sawed into him, but he didn't seem to care, not even a little. He was too busy laughing.

"I should have killed you last time. That would have been disheartening to your team, don't you think?"

He tightened his grip, threatening to crush my skull in one hand, like a grape.

With a pained scream, I cut him again, this time along the arm, and blood poured off him.

Ryptcore slammed me down on his knee, knocking the wind out of me and making my broken ribs feel like they were on fire.

I slumped to the ground, clutching my stomach and gasping.

Ryptcore backhanded me across the face, sent me flying into the nearest wall. I felt stones break and crumble around me.

What in the hell was taking Sanzo so frickin' long? I'd been distracting Ryptcore long enough that he should have been able to use his damn Makai Tenjyo on him by now.

I struggled to my feet, turned toward Sanzo to scream at him to do his part.

He was surrounded by about six members of the DethBreed; they'd formed a circle around him, and it looked like they were just playing at him, taking turns slashing at him and shoving him around. His robes were torn. He looked pissed as hell, managed to stand his ground long enough to shoot one of them in the face, but the others weren't bothered by the loss at all, and another freak stepped up to take the fallen's place, immediately.

"Sanzo…"

I looked back at Hakkai. Ryptcore, Gang and Goku were all attacking him again, driving him into a corner.

Everyone was ignoring me, go figure, because I wasn't a threat.

If I helped Sanzo out, he might get his chance to use the Makai Tenjyo on Ryptcore, but I didn't know how long Hakkai could last against the other three all by himself.

"Shit." I turned to run toward Sanzo.

A wall of soldiers was in my path. I guess not _everybody_ was ignoring me. I glared at them—there were about ten, obviously hell bent to keep me from helping Sanzo—they looked totally emotionless, with glowing eyes, like they didn't have souls. "Get outta' the way, assholes."

One jumped at me.

I turned to the side and knocked him forward with my elbow, spun around again, just in time to keep from being gored by a tanto knife. Someone grabbed my hair and dragged me down. I rolled and jumped up, seconds before another was able to stomp my head. Damn. Somebody scraped me across the lower back. _Damn._

"Leave the Priest alive!" Ryptcore bellowed, "I want to kill him with my own two hands!"

There were more gunshots. More of Sanzo's opponents fell, and were replaced right away.

This was bad.

Someone punched me in the face. I stumbled back into the arms of an enemy, and he put me in an arm lock while his buddy pummeled me in the stomach and chest, over and over. The pain was excruciating, especially since every blow was another sharp jolt of pain to my busted ribs. Angry as hell, I kicked the guy who was punching me, wrenched out of the grip of the guy holding me. I chopped his leg off with a clean cut from the shakujou, and he hit the ground, blood squirting, but he didn't so much as moan.

More gunshots.

Down the road, I heard Hakkai screaming.

_Shit, shit, shit._

Even more freakishly blank youkai crowded around me.

Everyone was going to die unless I did something.

With a shout, whipped my sickle around in a wide circle, and then I flung it forward; the fuckers surrounding me stepped out of the side to avoid being decapitated, and the sickle flew right at what I was aiming for, which happened to be Goku's head.

Hopefully he'd see it coming and I wouldn't wind up killing him.

_I'm the last person who's going to be able to kill the Seiten Taisei._

Goku got out of the way at the last second, and the sickle lodged in the wall in front of him, but it got his attention, and that was all I wanted.

With a maniacal grin, he turned to me. Our eyes met for a moment.

Goku licked his lips.

"Bring it, monkey."

Then the DethBreed got in the way again, and I couldn't see him, but I knew he was coming.

Sure enough, a second later, he was plowing through all the soldiers around me, killing them easily, with one slice a piece. He killed about five before he got to me. I feinted to the side, and he ripped another three or four to pieces. Goku turned on me, eyes shining.

I cut out, running back toward Sanzo, hoping against hope this worked and didn't just land me dead. "Over here, monkey boy!"

I didn't get more than two steps before he jumped on me, tackling me to the ground, and we went rolling head over heels; I slammed down hard on the cold, damp stone, and Goku sat on top of me, laughing like a crazy, little kid, claws raised to the sky. Shit, it was going to hurt when he tore into me.

I thought about the freaky dream I'd had before we came here, wondered if maybe it meant something after all.

"Gojyo!" Hakkai came out of nowhere, kicked Goku square in the back, knocking him off me, and I took the opportunity to scramble up, barely looking at Hakkai before turning to stand back-to-back with him. His chest and arm was bleeding, shirt torn, but other than that, he seemed to be doing okay.

"You all right?" I asked.

Another twenty or so members of the DethBreed were closing in around us. Goku was picking himself up. Ryptcore and Gang were marching toward us. I heard Sanzo firing his gun over and over like a damn firework display, but they weren't letting him get to us, not for anything.

Hakkai pressed tightly against my back, breathing heavily, "In a manner of speaking."

"You seem like you're still you."

"Yes, strangely enough. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that Jade isn't around to antagonize me."

"Great. Hopefully she won't show up."

"Although…we could use her help right about now. This doesn't seem to be working as well as we had hoped."

"Whisper all you want!" Ryptcore boomed, "None of you are going to make it out of this alive!"

"Shut up!" I swung my chain again, took out a handful of soldiers.

"Gojyo, please watch out for Goku."

The kid was running at us again, cutting his way through more and more soldiers, laughing hysterically and spilling blood. I kept one eye on him, even though he seemed pretty distracted at the moment.

"I think we could get the plan back into motion if we didn't have so many enemies to deal with." Hakkai said, after he'd finished blowing a wave of chi through the wall of soldiers on his side of the circle.

I was too busy hacking through my own opponents to answer.

For just a moment, a gap in the ranks opened up.

Hakkai shoved me toward it. "Go and help Sanzo."

A little annoyed at being pushed, I growled, "What about _you_?"

"If Sanzo's too busy to use the Makai Tenjyo, it won't even matter what becomes of me. Now go."

"Man, do I get sick of being everybody's bitch." Either way, I slipped through the gap, just seconds before a new group moved in to fill it; one of them snagged at my sleeve.

I threw my coat off and ran for Sanzo. He was surrounded by about thirty people now. I couldn't even see him, but I still heard and saw the flash of gunfire. I threw myself into the crowd, fighting—swinging and slashing and hacking and tearing into everything around me. Men dropped right and left, heads either rolling or exploding. Someone clawed my leg, but I ignored it and kept right on digging for Sanzo.

The smell of blood and gunpowder was everywhere. My head was aching. Behind me I could hear maniacal laughter and horrific screaming, but I didn't dare look back to see how Hakkai was doing by himself.

"Sanzo!" I ripped through more men, like it was the damn harvest. Blood sprayed and showered all around me, spattering my bare chest and face. My forearms were drenched in red, and my injured arm was burning, just like my ribs, and my other injuries were twitching.

The man right in front of me fell. He just collapsed in a heap, and then I could see Sanzo, purple eyes burning, hair shining in the moonlight, robes tattered and soaked, his teeth gritted and stained red, the barrel of his gun aimed right at me.

I screamed.

The shot went off.

The bullet grazed my ear, as I jumped to the side, barely in time, staggered into the waiting hands of my enemies. I threw one guy off; the next did his best to take my head off with a battle axe, while another was coming at me with his claws. One more grabbed my wrist.

Three shots. All three assholes crumbled like empty suits of armor.

"You good-for-nothing kappa." Sanzo spat. "What do you think you're doing?"

I was panting and sweating, shaking a little from the close call, "That's some way to thank me when I came over here to help you."

"_I_ just saved _your_ life—you owe _me_ the thank-you, not the other way around."

"Eat me."

"You're supposed to be distracting Ryptcore."

"As if it even matters if you can't use the Makai Tenjyo! Fuck, Sanzo, just be grateful for once!"

"I'll be grateful when you stop being lazy and start doing your part!"

That made me so mad, I was extra brutal with the next coupla' guys I killed. "Do you think maybe you should just put Goku's limiter back on instead? That might help us out more—it would be all four of us against-"

"Didn't I already tell you to fill out a comment card later? Just do as your told, kappa."

"Hey, I don't take orders from you, Sanzo!"

"Could have fooled me."

"You arrogant prick."

"Hn. I have to reload. Make yourself useful and cover me."

"Oh, anything you say, _Lord_ Sanzo."

He stopped to put bullets in his gun, and I did my best to keep them off him while he was at it, mutilating anyone who stepped too close. It was sort of hard though, especially when someone would try to get him from behind. I stepped up closer to him, did my best to aim my sickle around him.

While I was doing that, someone hit me in the back of the head, and I fell into Sanzo.

He yelped.

We were on the ground, on top of each other, _again_ for about five seconds. I lost my grip on my shakujou in the confusion, and I think Sanzo dropped a bunch of his bullets.

Sanzo pushed me off, "Dammit, can you do _anything _right, Gojyo?"

"Fuck you! It's hard to hold off like thirty people all by yourself!"

"I was doing just fine with it before you came charging in here like the cavalry!"

We had bigger problems though. For those five seconds we'd been flopping around on the ground like a couple of twinks, the DethBreed had closed in on us, and now they were pressed in all around us, reaching down to grab us.

For a minute or two, we both kicked and fought, and Sanzo manage to shoot a few more of them, but their numbers were overpowering. A rough, clawed hand grabbed me by the hair and dragged me to my feet, slamming me harshly against Sanzo.

I heard Ryptcore call from somewhere in the dark, "The priest is mine. Kill the mutt however you want."

Furiously, I took a swing at the guy closest to me, missed so bad I think they all laughed at me. Or would have, if they could laugh in the first place. The guy with a handful of my hair jerked my head back, exposing my neck.

They were looming all around me. I couldn't even see Sanzo anymore.

I tried to fight them off, but there were too many, crowding in around me, reaching for me with grimy, cruel nails; someone grabbed my arm, their claws digging into my skin. This looked like it could actually be it. I summoned my weapon again, managed to disembowel a few of them, but they wouldn't back off, and soon, I didn't even have the room I need to use my shakujou the right way.

Just when I was thinking the situation was hopeless and that this could actually be the end for me, there was a gust of hot wind and the street was illuminated by a fiery, red light. Like that, rows of soldiers all around me went up in flames, the disgusting scent of burning flesh filling the air. They didn't even scream as they died. Then, what had been almost thirty just a second ago, was suddenly reduced to less than five.

Sanzo knocked against me suddenly, shoulder ramming into my chest, eyes wide, like he was caught somewhere between being startled and worried. Out of reaction, I steadied him. "Woah, man."

When we both definitely had our bearings, I checked around the street. There were only about twenty or thirty DethBreed soldiers left, and they just looked blank and unworried. The group that had been surrounding Hakkai was gone too, and he was standing there, clutching his arm and breathing hard, Ryptcore and Gang both towering over him. Goku was standing off to the side, dripping with blood, glancing around, curious if anything. The five soldiers who were still standing around Sanzo and me didn't seem even slightly concerned.

"What the hell just…happened…?"

I noticed Sanzo was staring straight up.

"Star gazing?" I followed his gaze, skeptically.

Kougaiji was standing above us, on top of a building, his hair blowing back. He looked a bit worn out, with tattered clothes and some blood on him, but he seemed more annoyed than anything.

"Kougaiji…"

He sprang down from the roof, landing lightly, not far from us, and he faced Ryptcore.

"Was that _you_ just now?" I demanded.

Sanzo snorted, "We didn't ask for your help."

"You didn't need to." Kougaiji answered, unfazed, "I learned tonight that these men are particularly susceptible to magic. Meaning, your sutra should be able to destroy Ryptcore, if you find the chance to use it."

"Thanks. But I already figured that out."

"In that case, I can handle what's left of the army. You and your team should probably focus on destroying Ryptcore."

Sanzo just snorted again, but he didn't tell him to get bent.

"Hey." I said suddenly, glancing around at the rooftops again, "Where's Dokugaku?"

Kougaiji took a long moment to answer. His voice was cold, "He couldn't make it, but he sends his regards."

"_Regards_? Shit…he's not…"

"He'll join us later, assuming the rest of the DethBreed allows it."

"Enough chit chat." Sanzo interrupted. "Kappa, go over there and do your job."

Mumbling, I started to head toward Ryptcore, but I was taking my time. Everyone seemed pretty stunned right now, including the crazy general, so I had a moment to make a strategy. Or at least, I thought I did.

As I was walking, I heard a whispering voice, and I thought I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. I turned, just in time to see Jade emerge from the shadows, carrying her sword and smiling like the devil.

I gaped at her, "You…"  
"Still in one piece, I see, hanyou."

"Bitch! What do you think you're doing here?"

"I'm here to give Ryptcore a proper send-off."

Just what I needed.

Angrily, I turned on her. I was so pissed, I was shaking. I was shaking so hard I thought I'd fall down. "You fucking whore. After what you did earlier, give me one good reason not to kill you right now."

"Because you'll need me to help you with Ryptcore."

"I think I'll take my chances with that."

Before I could attack her, Sanzo was screaming at me, "What are you doing, you idiot?_ Move!_"

I glanced up.

Ryptcore was practically on top of me, poised to strike.

With that one blow, he sent me flying, head over heels, and I landed upside down against a group of trash barrels.

"Son of a bitch…"

Ryptcore marched toward me, gloating, "I've grown tired of this game. It's time to take your party a part, Sanzo, and I think I'll start with the weakest link in the chain."

I rolled to my feet, a little slowly, "Sanzo's the weakest link, jackass."

"I'll kill you for that later." Sanzo growled.

Ryptcore was practically on top of me again.

Suddenly, Hakkai was right next to me. I could smell the blood and the insanity dripping off him, and I could see from the wild look in his eyes that the fight was starting to affect him, but I didn't mention it. "Are you all right?"

"I'm cool." I couldn't help glaring past him, at Jade, who was still smiling.

"Ignore her."

"Yeah, right." I gave my shakujou a test swing, started to meet Ryptcore's advance.

Hakkai caught my arm, "There will be a time and place to avenge Deshi later. Right now, we need all the help we can get."

I wiped my mouth. "Right."

With that, he let me go, and I ran forward to meet Ryptcore, feeling super angry now. All of this shit had been going on for way, way too long.

He started to charge, gnashing his teeth, "I'm done playing with you, hanyou."

"Right back at you."

There were only a few feet left between us, but we closed that gap quickly, met in the middle and slammed hard against each other.

Ignoring the pain in my ribs, I delivered an uppercut to his chin. While his head was snapped back, I took a swing at him with my shakujou, and the steel scraped across his armor, leaving a small scratch, but not doing any other damage.

Ryptcore knocked me down with a quick strike to the back of my neck.

I was face down on the ground for a split second, and then I was up again, attacking all the more fiercely. I drove at him, punching and kicking and striking with my blade where and when I could. For the most part though, he didn't seem very bothered. He took a lot of my attacks head on, almost like he just wanted to show me how useless it was, and he never stopped smiling. Other than that, he dodged and blocked most of the things I threw at him.

I fought that much harder.

He didn't have any trouble hitting _me_ though. He smacked me around and knocked me upside the head and took advantage of my broken ribs until I could barely take it. Still, I wondered….

This guy was strong enough to stand up to Hakkai and Goku at the same time, and judging by the magnitude of his aura, he was even stronger than we'd first thought, or he'd gotten stronger since the last time we'd seen him. If he was so super powerful, why the hell was he dragging this out? He thought I was the weak link in the chain, the easiest to kill, and he said he was done playing, so why hadn't he killed me yet?

Unless he _wasn't_ done playing. Unless he didn't even know how to stop playing in the first place. Maybe what he really wanted was to drag it out and make his enemies suffer. Maybe he couldn't even control that desire.

One thing was for certain, if things kept going like this, with Ryptcore jumping around, never standing still, with me being in the way all the time, Sanzo was never going to get his chance to use the Makai Tenjyo, and this freak was never going to die.

I glanced around at my team, when I got the chance.

Hakkai and Jade were dealing with Goku and Gang. Kougaiji was finishing off what was left of the DethBreed. Sanzo had taken out a few more soldiers too, and now he was just standing back, watching me. He would have done it by now if he could, wouldn't he? He didn't hate me so much that he'd string me along all night, right?

No. He hadn't done it yet, so he must not have gotten a good opportunity yet, and that meant I had to change my strategy.

Ryptcore came at me. I pretended to block, and then I lowered my guard at the last moment.

His fist hit me right in the face.

I saw stars and heard a shrill, screaming sound. I flew back and hit the ground hard, but this time, I didn't scramble to get to my feet right away. I laid there and watched as Ryptcore came and stood over me, gloating.

"Are you already down for the count?"

I pretended to try to get up.

He kicked me back down, and then he kicked me in the ribs.

I screamed. My ribs were really, really never going to heal if everyone kept abusing them.

Ryptcore laughed. He was having a great time already. He kicked me a few more times, harder and harder, until I was writhing in pain.

"Pathetic, little animal." He reached down and grabbed my hair, pulling my head up off the ground, and then he punched me again.

"Why don't you fight back? Hm?"

He punched me again and again. My lips busted open. My nose started to bleed. I even lost my vision for a moment.

"Are you giving up? Is that what this is? Did you think if you just laid down and pretended to die I would spare your life?"

I spat in his face.

Blood and saliva dripped off his nose, and he looked sort of surprised for a second, and then he looked super angry.

He smashed me down into the ground again, hauled off and hit me as hard as he could, right in the chest.

I choked and coughed up some blood.

Hakkai shouted my name; hopefully he was too busy with Goku to interfere.

Ryptcore went on wailing on me. It felt like forever, even though it was probably just a few seconds. He punched me and slapped me and kicked me and swung me around. He smashed me back into a window and broken glass flew everywhere, and then he slammed me into the wall, hand tight on my neck.

Blood was dripping off my face, and I was breathing hard.

_Why am I doing this? There was probably a better way._

Ryptcore stood still, perfectly still, for the first time since the fight started. He glared into my eyes, and I got the weirdest sense that he was a little bit confused. His grip on my neck tightened, blocking off my air passage. "Did you want to prove to me that you _are_ the weakest member of the Sanzo Ikkou? Or are you just tired of your miserable life?"

I closed my eyes.

"Well?" He shook me a little.

I strained to take a breath, choked out, "I guess…I…just…really wanted…to see you…dead…"

He was quiet.

I opened my eyes to smile at him.

Ryptcore turned suddenly.

By that time, Sanzo was almost finished chanting.

Ryptcore let go of me and rushed to get out of the way.

With a flick of my wrist, the shakujou chain was wrapped around him, from shoulders to waist. He could probably bust out of it, if he wanted to, but he wasn't going to have the time. I jerked him around and slammed him as hard as I could into the wall.

"Hey, Sanzo! Don't mess up!"

Ryptcore struggled.

I whipped my chain away and dove back.

Sanzo's voice split through the air, "Makai Tenjyo!"

There was a blinding flash of light. The scroll rustled right past me, glowing.

The general screamed as it flew at him.

From the other side of the street, there came another orangey streak of fire, only this one was bigger, and it roared. I recognized Kougaiji's summon monster as it passed by, inches away from incinerating me.

The Makai Tenjyo hit first. There was a huge explosion that blew my hair back, and I heard Ryptcore screaming, this deranged, disbelieving cry. The building behind him blew apart in a thunderous blast, with stone and glass and wood flying everywhere, and I shielded my face.

A second later, Kougaiji's summon monster hit, engulfing Ryptcore in fire, and for a second, the sky was lit up by the mixed powers of holy and unholy.

Just when the smoke was starting to settle, and I thought it was all over, Jade raced past me, this huge, burning ball of purple chi in hands, and it was growing by the second. In an instant, it was the size of our car, and then she flung it at Ryptcore…or where he was supposed to be anyway.

There was another ridiculously big explosion, followed immediately by a sonic boom that made my ears start bleeding, and somewhere in the middle of it all, I could barely make out the sound of Ryptcore, still screaming.

One by one, the buildings around us started to crumble, collapsing, one after another, into huge piles of dust and debris, and then I could see out across the plains to dark, black horizon, and everything around me was illuminated by the death of General Ryptcore.


	28. Chapter 28

**Sanzo**

Very slowly, the light around us began to fade, the heat receded, the debris and the dust settled, and everything was quiet. I think even Goku was standing still.

When it was over, I listened a long time, just to make sure, and then I edged forward, hesitating for just a second beside Gojyo to tell him, "You're an idiot."

"What?"

"Don't deny it. You're an absolute moron. First you actually _let_ him kick your ass, and then you didn't even have the sense to get away from the explosion. You're so stupid, I oughta' put you out of your misery, right now."

He scoffed, "You're welcome, asshole."

"I didn't thank you for anything."

"Whatever, man. You couldn't have done that without my idiocy, right? So show some respect."

"In your dreams, you half-wit."

Gojyo mumbled under his breath about that, and then, slowly, began to make his way toward the point where the explosions had gone off. I followed, and Kougaiji was right behind me.

The Asahara was standing there already, nudging at something with the toe of her tall, black boots, and the closer I got, the better I could hear a sound. It was like choked, strained, insane laughter.

"No way." Gojyo gasped.

We drew nearer, and then I could see the body lying at Jade's feet. It was burnt and bloody, all the hair gone, eyebrows and all, the ears missing, half of the face completely ripped off, revealing oozing tendons and muscles and bits of blackened bone, the lips were gone too, so the rows of sharp teeth were exposed. His nose had been burnt off as well. In fact, the only thing that was still there were his hateful eyes, but the fire in them was completely gone now, and they seemed dull. That open, dark pit of a mouth was gasping and croaking, grinning and choking out laughter, which seemed absurd considering the state of the rest of the body. Ryptcore's torso had been ripped in half, guts dangling out, side torn open; I didn't see his legs anywhere, and one arm was missing. His clothes, armor and all, had been scorched away, leaving his mutilated body as nothing but a bleeding, naked torso.

Ryptcore laughed. Or he could have been coughing. I couldn't really tell. "Nice try…Sanzo…but did you really believe…your little sneak attack would work?"

His chest convulsed and he spat up a thick wad of black bile.

"Hn. It looks like it did."

This time I could tell he was laughing, and his eyes were boring holes into me, just as full of blood lust as ever. "Oh, please…little priest… You think this is the end? Let me tell you. This is not. This is not. This is not the end of Ryptcore. I will go on…forever and ever. Until my last breath. I will fight you. I will have…freedom…I will have…the world."

Gojyo laughed suddenly. It startled me. He laughed so loudly and so hysterically, I thought maybe he'd gone crazy when I wasn't looking, "Serious?! Look at you, you crazy sonnova bitch! There's nothing left of you!"

Ryptcore glared at him; his mouth fell open, like the jaw was unhinged, and his tongue snaked out from behind his teeth. It was black too. "Hanyou…how I hate you now…when I get my hands on you…you'll wish you'd paid more respect to the DethBreed."

"_Hands?!_ What _hands_ are you talking about? Just admit it. You lost. We won. End of story."

"I will devour…" Ryptcore gurgled. "I will devour…all of you…all of this world…and when the mighty are gone…" he laughed suddenly, "Oh, Sanzo. You and your party…you're all so foolish. Clinging so tightly to your hearts. You will never know the freedom of absolute darkness and hate."

"I've heard enough." I aimed my gun at him.

Ryptcore just laughed like it was the silliest thing I could have done, and he kept right on laughing up until I pulled the trigger and blew a hole through what was left of his head.

At last, there was silence.

Gojyo sighed, "What a lunatic. Even after all of that, he still thought he was going to beat us."

"Ryptcore was designed not to feel pain." Kougaiji explained, even though we didn't ask him to, "His consciousness might as well have been completely separated from his body, so in the end, the fact that he couldn't so much as sit up didn't mean failure to him. It didn't mean anything."

With a single swing of her sword, Jade severed Ryptcore's head, lifted it in her hands. I watched her warily, wondering if she'd attack me next, since she'd swore to help us until he was dead.

Gojyo growled, "Oh, yeah. You. I gotta' bone to pick with you, you little bitch."

Jade smiled up at me, "Do you mind, Sanzo? It's rather a gruesome prize, but I'd like to keep it."

"Do whatever you want." I snorted, lighting a cigarette.

"Hey!" Gojyo shouted, taking a step toward her, "Don't ignore me, Jade! We have some business to settle, and I wanna' get it out of the way as soon as possible!"

I looked at him, "What the hell are you screaming about?"

"Mind your own business, Sanzo." He was crouched and ready to go, his weapon in hand.

Jade didn't seem to care about him one way or another. She just laughed in his face, "Do you think now is the best time?"

"As good a time as any."

"Oh? But don't you have a couple of other friends around here? Last I saw they were bound and determined to kill each other."

Gojyo's face dropped.

"She's right." I growled, "We're not done here yet." I turned around and began to march away.

He didn't come with me, so I called back to him, "Hurry it up, kappa."

Gojyo continued to stare at her. I'd never seen him look so hatefully at anyone. At last he said, "Soon. You better believe I'm coming for you."

Jade just smiled and spun around, hair flying, and flounced away, sword in one hand, Ryptcore's head in the other.

Gojyo watched her go until I snapped at him, "Today."

At last he slowly turned back to follow me.

The three of us made our way up out of the debris. There was trash and stones and dead bodies lying everywhere. Somewhere through the smoke and the ashes, I could hear the snapping and snarling of the fight, raging on, and then it was in sight.

"Son of a bitch." Gojyo muttered.

Goku and Hakkai were fighting with reckless abandon now. They were all claws and teeth, splattered blood and torn clothes. They reached for each other, aching to tear one another open. Both of them were smiling.

The sight made me feel a little bit sick.

"Hey, Hakkai!" Gojyo shouted. "Ryptcore's dead, let's take two and figure out what to do with Goku!"

Hakkai ignored him, kicked Goku back and flung a burning orb of chi.

Goku dodged and came at him, claws raised; Hakkai barely avoided getting his face ripped off.

"That idiot completely let himself go." I grumbled, trying not to let on to how sick it actually made me feel. This was what I'd been afraid of from the beginning. When Goku took his limiter off, he said it was because he was so sure that Hakkai and Gojyo were going to show up eventually, and that they'd be able to help me get him under control, but the problem was, with the way Hakkai had been acting lately, especially tonight when I saw him at the tavern, it wasn't going to be a matter of getting Goku under control anymore. It was going to be a matter of getting them both under control. Much like it had been on the mountain, the last time we faced Ryptcore.

I didn't know if Goku had realized that or not when he took his diadem off, but I suppose I couldn't really say that he'd made matters worse. He'd worn Ryptcore down a lot before Hakkai and Gojyo even came along. We might not have been able to defeat him if Goku hadn't taken the limiter off.

We didn't really have a choice in whether or not Hakkai took his off too; the situation had already become to desperate by that time.

"No way." Gojyo edged forward. "Hakkai! Hey, Hakkai!"

The kappa sounded pretty damn distressed. It made me almost wonder what had gone on with the two of them since the night Hakkai killed Chang and ran away. Right now, he looked like he was ready to run in there and throw himself between the two of them.

I grabbed his arm, viciously, "You had better hold your damn self together, Gojyo, because I do not need _you_ falling to pieces too."

He wrenched away and glared at me, not saying anything, and I was starting to feel the dread again, the dread that came of having enemies for allies. The dread of knowing that _I_ was the one who had to fix this, who had to put them down if they were berserk. I was the one who had to put the diadem back on Goku. I was the one who had to shoot Hakkai if he didn't come around. Why was it all up to me? I glanced around. My only allies were Kougaiji, who was my number one enemy to begin with, and stupid-ass Gojyo, who was on the verge of coming apart too. It was all up to me.

_I knew I couldn't trust them._

What choice did I have though?

I watched Goku chase after Hakkai, laughing and screaming, seriously trying to tear Hakkai limb from limb. I closed my eyes for a second. I hated seeing Goku like this.

_That dumb monkey._

Gojyo was yelling at me, but I wasn't even listening to him.

Kougaiji said something.

I opened my eyes to glance at him.

He watched me a moment, like he was waiting for a response, and then he said, "This isn't really any of my business. I'd like to go and look for Dokugakuji. But, if you want me to help you, I will."

I snorted, "As if. I'll handle this myself."

With that, I reloaded my gun, cocked it, and marched toward the crazy whirlwind of teeth and claws that was Hakkai and Goku.

It was my responsibility, after all. I had to be the one to act. So I'd go in there, and I'd shoot anyone who attacked me. I'd take Goku out first—hopefully it wouldn't take too long, because Hakkai would probably be chewing on my back by the time it was over—when Goku passed out, I'd deal with Hakkai. A couple bullets to the knees would put him out of commission. Then maybe I could get his limiters back on.

I didn't even know where his limiters were.

That made the possibility of salvaging Hakkai's sanity seem hopeless. Would I really have to kill him?

_I should have killed him earlier tonight. At the tavern._

Maybe we could have defeated Ryptcore without him.

None of that mattered. For all I knew, I might not even be able to get Goku's diadem back on him.

But I couldn't start to think that way. It was all up to me to get things back in order, and I couldn't let any sort of doubt creep in and prevent me from doing what I had to do. No measures were too extreme.

_If only… If only I didn't feel like I might be losing something by the time it's over._

That's the way it was though. I was the fool who'd let these feelings seep into me in the first place. I had to face the consequences for that.

Out of nowhere, Gojyo shouldered up beside me. He had his hair pulled back now and his shakujou out, there was still blood all over his face, but he'd started a cigarette, and he looked furious.

"What do you think you're doing?" I chuffed.

"Hakkai told me not to let you shoot him. Besides, I've got his limiters."

"Hn. Suit yourself."

"Oh, as if you could _honestly_ do this all alone."

"Just don't get in my way, got it?"

"Whatever you say, Sanzo-sama."

We were almost there now. Hakkai and Goku hadn't even noticed we were approaching, they were just trying to tear each other to ribbons, and that was probably all that was on their minds. I stood up on a piece of demolished wall, gun aimed, "All right, you animals, that's enough."

They kept right on fighting.

Gritting my teeth, I fired once, into the air. "I said enough!"

Finally, they looked over at us. Blood was all over their mouths, and their eyes were crazed. Hakkai's hair was hackling, like an animal's. They looked at me like they had no idea who I was.

"One chance Hakkai. If you can hear me, you better quit this bullshit. Ryptcore is dead, and there's no reason to continue this fight."

Hakkai grinned a little. It didn't look_ completely _insane. He flinched forward.

I held my ground.

Goku breezed past him, running right at me, laughing. He sprang up onto the wall with me.

I should have fired, but I couldn't… I just couldn't…

Goku knocked me off the wall—he was so fast, I couldn't even think about dodging or bracing myself—I landed harshly in a pile of debris, getting the wind knocked out of me. He dove down on top of me. My ribs bent a little under his weight, and I gasped.

Shoving the pain to the back of my mind, I reached up to grab a handful of his shirt, jerking him down and reaching up for his forehead.

With a snarl, Goku wrenched loose. He grabbed a handful of my hair and swung me around. I crashed into another pile of debris, laid there a moment, in a daze. While I was face down in the dirt, I heard more snarling, snapping and shouting, followed by cursing and screaming. A second later, Gojyo landed practically on top of me.

"That worked great." He coughed.

"You got something better?"

"I dunno. How about actually _doing_ something? I mean, standing on top of some garbage like you're king of the mountain and yelling 'stop' is dandy, but it doesn't get shit done."

"Shut your smart mouth, Gojyo." I sat up to look over the pile of debris I'd landed in. They were fighting again, that much more violently now. Damn. They really looked like they wanted to kill each other. Hakkai was looking a little worn down. He couldn't heal himself like Goku could.

Maybe in a while, he'd be down for the count, and then he wouldn't be in the way, and I could just deal with Goku instead.

"Fuck." Gojyo muttered, sitting up next to me. He was clutching his ribs.

"I told you to stay out of my way." I muttered. Not because I felt bad about his ribs. Just because he was so annoying.

"I didn't _get_ in your way, asshole!"

"What the hell do you think you're trying to do, anyway?" I got up, not bothering to dust myself off. "Why don't you just run off and find a girl to fuck?"

"Would you shut the fuck up? We don't have time for this! He could go insane any second now! They're gonna' kill each other!" He started to charge back in there, and for some reason, I grabbed him.

"I thought I told you to calm down. If you run in there like an idiot, they're going to kill _you_, so why don't you cool off?"

"Cool off and then what? _You _gonna' make a plan?" He shoved me off, viciously, "Fuck you, Sanzo! This is all your fault!"

"Try saying that again."

"You know I'm right! You _let_ Goku take his limiter off, and then you told Hakkai to take _his_ off too! What did you _think_ was gonna' happen? Huh, Mister Holy Genius?"

"I'm not responsible for anything you four idiots do! Goku took his limiter off of his own will, and Hakkai let his instincts get the best of him! How is any of that _my_ fault?"

"Oh, I know, I _know_. You always wanna' act like _nothing's_ your fault, right? Well this time, it is your fault. It's _all_ your fault."

"I couldn't prevent this any better than you could."

"Yeah right! You talked Hakkai into taking his limiter off, even when you knew he was on the brink of losing it all together—you could sense that, just like I could—if you hadn't done that, we wouldn't be in this situation at all! We wouldn't be watching _this!_"

I watched as Hakkai and Goku clawed into each other with juicy splashes of crimson blood, and something buckled inside me.

"It's all your fault!" Gojyo was still screaming, voice hoarse, "It's all your fault, Sanzo, and you know it! They're _both_ gonna' die because of you!"

"Not both of them." I snarled. "We can still get Goku's limiter back on him."

The kappa's eyes got wide.

"Hakkai's _gone_, Gojyo. He's not even responding—he doesn't give a shit. He doesn't know who he is or who I am, or who _you_ are! At least the last two times he could still _speak_ to us!"

Gojyo's voice was rough as gravel, "You're just sayin' that 'cause you know it'l piss me off…"

I shook my head, "Wake up, idiot. It's over, and there's nothing we can do for him now. Don't you feel his aura? It's out of control!"

He looked like he wanted to hit me, but he just grated out, "You shouldn't have told him to take his limiter off."

"I didn't _make_ him do it! He did it on his own—even after he knew what could happen, even after _you_ asked him not to—he took it off because he wanted to, and now he's gone!"

Gojyo screamed, "But this wouldn't be happening if you hadn't told him to!"

Angrier than ever, I got in his face and spat, "I made an executive decision." Then I cocked my gun. "And I'm about to make another one."

With that, I turned to head back into the fight.

Gojyo grabbed my wrist and twisted it so hard, I thought he'd dislocate it, and when I whipped around, furiously, to give him a death look, his eyes were hard as stones, his body quivering with rage. "If you shoot him, you better shoot me too, Sanzo."

"Are you _threatening_ me, Kappa? What, did you go berserk too?!"

"There is no way you get to kill Hakkai just to hide the fact that you fucked up."

"He's insane! The minus wave-"

"This has nothing to do with the fucking minus wave! This has to do with Kanan! He's _not_ insane, and if you shoot him, I'm going to kill you!" He gave me a push that was so rough, I almost fell down. "You are such a piece of shit, incompetent, miserable sonnova bitch to even _think_ about doing that! What do you think, huh? You can just put a bullet in his head and get Goku's diadem back on, take Jeep and keep heading west? Quit being a pussy and just own it: you made a mistake, and the two of them are paying for it!"

It was the last thing I could stand to hear. I didn't want to listen to those words, I didn't want to even begin to think that they could be true. I didn't want to ever admit that Gojyo might be right about this. I didn't want to see my team crumble around me. In the end, that's all it was: I didn't want to watch Goku and Hakkai and Gojyo fall apart, slip through my fingers and disappear forever.

I hit him so hard, I thought maybe I broke my hand.

Gojyo fell back and landed in the dust. I jumped on him, grabbed a fistful of his hair and punched him in the face again.

He kicked me off, scrambled up and came at me, tackling me around the waist. The two of us flounder around in the dirt for what felt like the one millionth time, punching and pinning each other, going at every weakness we could find.

Gojyo kicked me square in the side of the head, and I saw stars. When my vision cleared away, I struck him in the bridge of the nose with my elbow. Then again.

We were screaming and tearing at each other, grabbing one another by the hair and throwing the strongest blows we had in us, holding absolutely nothing back. We'd had this coming, maybe, for weeks now, this fight, here and now, at the last possible second of the most dire moment in the team's history, and with everything either of us gave a shit about on the line, absolutely no one around to stop us.

I don't know how long we fought. I felt myself transforming, becoming angrier and angrier at first, getting more and more bruised and battered, and then, slowly, the rage started to recede, and I just felt numb. This was the end. We'd destroyed Ryptcore, only to have the team come apart from the inside out. And that meant I'd failed. Everyone was going down now, and I couldn't stop it, because I hadn't made a move quick enough; it was almost a relief to let him hit me as hard as he could in the face.

Time went by, and I wasn't aware of it. My body ached, and I didn't care; all I knew was we were doing exactly what we were not supposed to be doing—fighting each other. It was the exact concern Hakkai had expressed before removing his limiters, that Gojyo and I wouldn't be able to do this because we couldn't get along.

_What a shitty reason for the two of them to be lost forever._

I knew that if we didn't stop this, we would hit a point of no return, past which, we'd never be able to get Hakkai or Goku back.

_That means we have to stop—this doesn't matter. Not compared to everything else that's happening._

Maybe we had the same realization at the same moment, because the fight ended as quickly as it had started, and when it was over, Hakkai and Goku were still trying to kill each other.

Gojyo stumbled away from me, wiping threads of blood off his chin, "Fuck you! Fuck you, man! Fuck you!"

"Fuck _you_!" I shot back, choking on the dust and blood in my throat, "You can't blame me for all of this when you didn't prevent it either! You're not so fucking great, you know! I wish like everything it could be _you_ instead of _him_!"

He sucked in a sharp, ragged breath that almost sounded like a sob, "Dammit, Sanzo! Don't you get it?! I'm just trying to _help _you, dickweed!"

"Well you're doing a shitty job then, and anyway, I don't remember asking for your help!"

"Yeah, well, you did."

I took a swipe at my nose, and my hand came back streaked with blood. In the distance, Goku was laughing hysterically. The eastern horizon was turning light. "Oh, really? And what day was _that_? When in your delusional, little, Kappa brain did you decide that I-"

Gojyo spun on me and took an aggressive step in my direction, and I thought the fight was going to start all over again, but he just snarled, "The day I agreed to go to India with you!"

I stopped and gawked at him. I couldn't help it. "What?"

"Don't get me wrong, I hate this quest, but when I agreed to come, I was under the impression that I was…I dunno' man, doing you a solid!"

"A solid… You call _this_ doing me a solid?"

"All the shit you ever asked me to do for you…you still don't believe me when I say I'm gonna' do something. You're _such_ a prick! Damn, what's wrong with me? Why do I even _care_ what happens to you?"

"You don't! That's obvious."

"No? Then why the fuck am I here?" He got right in my face again. He screamed, "Answer me that, Sanzo! Why the fuck am I here! Why would a guy like me come all the way out here on this quest? You don't think I have something I'd rather be doing? You think I came because this is so damn _fun?_ My ribs are fucking busted, I haven't slept in a day, I don't know when the last time I ate something was, my best friend tried to fucking kill me, and _don't_ even get me started on Jade! This trip fucking sucks! And every time I turn around, you're in my face, belittling me, when all I'm trying to do is fucking _help_ you!"

"If this is what you call helping someone, you really need to work on it."

He grabbed me by the collar, "What is _wrong_ with you, Sanzo? What the hell did I _ever_ do to you? For the last four years, I've tried to make _something_ work out between us—so we can't be the greatest of friends; so maybe we don't even get along half the time. But I don't _hate_ you the way that you _hate_ me!"

I didn't say anything. There were a lot of things to say, obviously. I could have told him I didn't hate him, I suppose. I could have said that I hated things _about_ him. It was none of his business how I felt about him in the first place.

"Every time I try to so much as be nice to you, you just brush me off! That's fine—you got your fuckin' issues, and I got mine—but you don't have to treat me like shit for everything I do and say! Especially not when I'm just _trying to help you!_"

I still didn't say anything. He was ridiculously angry now, having an outburst like a ridiculous, little child, but…for the first time, the things he had to say weren't making me angry too.

He pushed me away suddenly, turned his back to me, and his voice was quieter, "You know what? Fine. I know we don't see everything eye-to-eye—we don't see _anything_ eye-to-eye—we never have. I dunno' why. But we don't. I guess it doesn't matter because…I always told myself that, if your shit ever hit the fan, I wasn't gonna' bail on ya', because I never believed you'd bail on _me_ if my shit hit the fan. We don't have to be "friends" for that to make sense, right?

"I'm sorry I ran out on you the other night, Sanzo. I didn't mean to leave you…high and dry, or whatever, but I couldn't lose Hakkai over this stupid shit. I wasn't gonna' leave forever."

I paid a little closer attention. It wasn't all that often I heard Gojyo apologize to me.

"I meant to come back."

That seemed brutally sincere, and I wasn't used to hearing that out of him either.

"I think…tonight…both our shit has hit the fan, man. Those guys are gonna' kill each other, if we let 'em; I don't want that, and I know you don't want that either. And we definitely don't wanna' hafta' go on to India just you and me—that'd be a frickin' nightmare—so we can't let that happen.

"I don't think Hakkai is berserk yet, but even if he is, I can't leave him like this. Either way, I know I can't help him by myself."

I watched Goku and Hakkai chase each other down, exchanging slash for bloody slash. I didn't know how much longer they could keep it up before something really terrible happened. I did know that if we lost either of them that would be the end of the mission. It would start a chain reaction that none of us could stop, and when it was over, it probably wouldn't even matter if we made it to India or not.

Gojyo's voice was even quieter now. I detected strain and exhaustion in his tone, "It's been a shitty week, dude…but when this is over, if you still want me to go to India with you, I'm going."

Should I trust what he was telling me? I'd already learned the kind of pain it could produce when you put your faith in someone. I'd learned how much it could hurt when you let yourself care about anyone.

I watched Goku again and realized I had already failed in abstaining from caring about someone. I couldn't help it. That stupid monkey fell into my lap one day, and then somehow, he'd taken everything. I couldn't imagine the world without him, but it seemed like it would be a strange, lonely…meaningless place.

He must have reopened something inside of me, because no matter what I said out loud on a day-by-day basis, if anything happened to Hakkai, or even Gojyo, I didn't think I'd be able to tell myself that it didn't matter.

Both of us were quiet for a while, watching the other half of the team try to destroy each other.

"Well." Gojyo took a puff on his cigarette, "Say something."

I took another short moment to reflect, lit a cigarette of my own, and muttered, "Something."

Gojyo looked over his shoulder at me, and our gazes locked.

I waited a while longer before snorting, "Now if you're done with the gush, we still have to _stop_ those two idiots."

Gojyo smirked a little. He threw his cigarette down. "Right."

For the second time, I marched toward Hakkai and Goku, Gojyo was right next to me. The two of them looked more determined than ever to kill each other, so that meant they were way to absorbed to notice we were anywhere near them.

"We need to deal with Goku first." I said. "When Goku's limiter's back on, there's a chance Hakkai will calm down and listen to reason. Like he did last time."

"Last time? I didn't last time went all that great."

"Well, if you've got a better suggestion, I'd love to hear it." I snorted.

"Nah. But…if he _doesn't_ just calm down and put his limiter back on…"

We might be able to get it back on him by force. Anything beyond that is your problem, not mine."

"Wha?"

"Because he told you not to let me shoot him. Obviously he expects you to either talk him down or put him out of his misery. Honestly, I can't believe he'd leave something so important up to you."

"Damn, sweet heart, quit being so nice or I might just start to think you like me."

"You disgust me, as usual, but since you're so insistent on helping, who am I to stop you? Besides, you weren't completely useless when it came to distracting Ryptcore. Maybe if you run around and make enough noise I'll be able to get close to Goku and make another diadem for him."

"Shit…"

"We're running out of time." I decided, as I watched the two of them fight. "You better not cop out on me."

"Yeah, yeah. Let's just get this show on the road."

I nodded once, and then I ran, going right for them.

The two of them saw me coming, separated quickly. Goku lunged at me.

Gojyo swatted him back with the shakujou, knocking him in the dirt, "Take that, you little punk!"

Goku jumped back up the second he was on the ground. With a snarl, he flew at Gojyo, claws spread to slice through him.

I pistol-whipped him across the face, and he staggered backward, shaking his head like a dog, but it only delayed him for a second, and then he was rushing us again. His first swing barely swept past my robes as I backed out of the way.

The injuries I'd gotten from fighting the DethBreed were stinging by this time. My side was bleeding, and I knew the pain would make me slow. From the way Gojyo was moving, I knew he wasn't at his best either. It didn't help that we'd spent the last ten minutes beating the hell out of each other.

Hakkai and Goku were both injured—Hakkai more so than Goku—but it didn't seem to be affecting their speed, accuracy, or strength. That put us at a supreme disadvantage. But it wasn't enough for us to give up.

Gojyo blocked Goku's second blow with his weapon and kicked him back.

Goku practically fell into Hakkai, spun around and took a scrape at his face. Hakkai blocked it and tried to punch him in return.

Just like that, they were at it again.

"I need to get close to Goku." I muttered, more to myself than to anyone else.

No sooner had I said it, the chain of the shakujou was flying over my head. It wrapped around Goku's arm, and Gojyo jerked him off balanced, dragging him a couple feet away from Hakkai, "Over here, ya' little brat."

Goku sprang up and launched forward, flying at the two of us.

"There you go, man."

The monkey landed roughly, right in front of me, attacked as soon as he was on his feet.

I charged to meet him, calling over my shoulder, "Whatever you do, keep that other maniac off my back."

Goku laughed when he saw me coming. He dove to the right suddenly, and then came back around, tried to pounce on me. I ducked back. For the second time, his claws just barely missed me. I tried to punch him, and he darted around the attack.

Moving in closer to me, he took another swing. This time, I felt razor-sharp nails tear through my robes and into my stomach. The cold of the wound hit me so hard, I lost my footing, and then I was rolling in the dirt, struggling to get up again.

Goku bounded over and landed on me, squealing and laughing with delight. I felt him cut through my shoulder blade. Blood was flowing from my stomach over my arms.

"Sanzo!"

Gojyo threw himself against Goku, and they landed in a heap, not far from where I was lying. It seemed like I was there a long time, trying to get a hold of myself. Gojyo managed to get up quickly enough to avoid getting clawed too, but then Goku was right after him. They danced around and scuffled in the dirt.

I cursed myself for letting my guard down, but I knew it was really because the monkey was so unbelievably fast.

_If only I could get some opportunity to put the damn diadem back on him._

Crunching footsteps.

Hakkai stepped over me and walked toward the others.

I doubted Gojyo could handle them both at the same time. I shoved my pain aside and ran after Hakkai, not really sure what to do. It wasn't as if I could shoot him, as much as I thought I might like to. I wound up punching him in the back.

Snarling, Hakkai spun on me. He hit me hard across the face, and just like that, I was eating dust again, jaw stinging, nose bleeding. Even my vision was blurry.

When it started to clear again, Gojyo was standing over me, barely holding Goku off.

This wasn't really going all that well. It could be going much, much better, that was certain, but I was already feeling the effects of the blood I'd lost.

With a singular, powerful blow, Goku knocked Gojyo back. The kappa tripped over me and landed hard against a chunk of stone. He must have hit his head, because he didn't move.

"Gojyo?!"

Nothing. Not so much as some delirious muttering.

I struggled to get out from under him.

Goku stood over me, licking blood off his claws.

I took a pop shot at him, which he dodged, but he didn't back off very far. He was staying close, looking for his opportunity.

Shoving Gojyo's inert body away, I got up again, fired again at Goku.

He got out of the way, lazily.

Hakkai approached me on the other side.

I stuck the gun in his face.

He smacked it away.

Goku took the opportunity to attack again.

When he was close enough, I grabbed him by the collar, used his own momentum to swing him around, slamming him into Hakkai, and they both fell down, rolled a ways, wrestling and trying to get an advantage.

I nudged Gojyo with my toe, "Gojyo. Gojyo!"

This time, he stirred a little.

"Wake up, dammit! This is no time for a nap!" I was scrambling after my gun now.

The snarling behind me stopped. I was afraid to look and see what had happened.

"Shit…" I felt Gojyo grab arbitrarily at the hem of my robe, "Shit, Sanzo. Hakkai…"

Reluctantly, I turned around.

Goku was a dark shape in a slightly lighter darkness, standing there, shaking with laughter. Hakkai hung limply in his grip.

Gojyo was pushing himself up. Hanging onto the wall for support, he rose, rubbed the back of his head, "Is he dead…?"

"I didn't see what happened." I answered bleakly.

Goku was on the move again, dragging Hakkai with him.

Gojyo was leaning heavily on his shakujou. I saw a long line of dark liquid trickling down the back of his neck.

I felt my own wounds aching, and my eyelids were heavy.

"What're we gonna' do?" Gojyo asked.

I wasn't sure what to tell him.

When he was just a couple feet away, Goku dropped Hakkai and sprang at us. He slammed against me, pinning me to the wall. I felt his teeth tear into my shoulder.

Shouting, I kicked him in the stomach, but he barely felt it.

"You little shit!" Gojyo grabbed him by the cape and dragged him off me, but he wouldn't let go of my shoulder. It felt like he was going to rip away a chunk of my flesh.

"Dammit!"

Gojyo suddenly jammed the shaft of the shakujou into Goku's mouth, and spun him away.

I sagged back into the wall, holding my injured shoulder and shaking from the pain. My mind was screaming, but not because I was hurt or afraid, because seeing Goku act this way was so…

Already he was coming back for more. It was obvious that nothing we could do was going to faze him.

We had to work on a new strategy.

_If I could just get him to hold still for a while…_

I glanced at Gojyo, but he looked like he could barely stand up straight.

With my shoulder spraying blood, I didn't think I could hold my own against the Seiten Taisei in a wrestling match. In anything.

He was prowling toward us, smiling, blood dripping off his chin.

Gojyo took a staggering step forward, "Bring it on, you little asshole."

I moved up beside him. No way I was going to let that dick outdo me.

Goku laughed, because he knew he'd won. He knew there was no way we could beat him in the shape we were in. I wasn't sure why this was going so badly, other than we'd already been injured from the fight with Ryptcore.

"If I could just get him to hold still for a moment…" I muttered.

"Dunno' about that…" Gojyo snorted. "Dunno' if I can do it."

Never mind that I hadn't been asking him. "You're useless."

"I…have had a _really_ bad day…"

Goku was taking his time, but he was almost upon us now.

"We'll just have to fight." I rasped. I realized I was incredibly thirsty now, and I was starting to feel dizzy. "Maybe somehow I can make him a new diadem in the confusion."

"I will be _so_ humiliated if the _monkey_ kills me."

I would be more than humiliated. I would be…

Goku stopped. He raised a hand.

His claws were gleaming in the moonlight.

I went totally stiff, trying to prepare myself for what might come next.

_Goku…I'm sorry…_

He attacked. He reached for me with those claws.

I set my jaw and prepared to dodge, even when there was nowhere to go.

He was just centimeters away.

My heart was racing. The gun was shuddering in my grip.

_I could use it…but…_

Goku grabbed me by the collar, his other hand open and ready to strike.

Gojyo shouted something I couldn't make out.

Suddenly, Goku stopped, eyes wide with surprise. For a moment, he looked at me. I wondered if he somehow knew who I was.

Even if he did, it wouldn't be enough to stop him. His lust for violence would win out over everything else.

Snarling, impatiently almost, he whipped around.

Hakkai was there. He had the edge of Goku's cape in one hand and his old diadem in the other.

"Hakkai!"

With a single, powerful swing of the arm, Hakkai dragged Goku away and threw him to the ground. He pile-drived him, landing hard on top of him. They wrestled a while. There was screaming and more splashing blood, but in the end, Hakkai wound up on top. Even with Goku clawing his arm open over and over, with the blood flowing freely down his shoulder to his wrist, he wouldn't let him go.

He shouted.

He slammed the diadem into place.

Goku went on snapping and snarling and struggling for another second, and then his voice became more and more human, and then his movements slowed, and finally, he was still.

Hakkai sat there a moment longer, bleeding and panting.

"Shit." Gojyo breathed. "Do you think…?"

Hakkai got up, suddenly, swaying a little, like he was dizzy too. He was staring down at his hands. He turned to us, the hair falling in his face so I could only see his one, golden eye staring at us.

We were both on guard right away. I went so far as to back down half a step, but the wall was still close behind me.

He shambled toward us, rubbing his arm and looking sort of worn out. The grin was gone, and so was the lust for blood, and what was left looked almost remorseful.

Gojyo let go of his shakujou, allowing it to disappear, and he edged forward until they were standing face to face, and Hakkai could tear him in half with a single, lazy stroke of the claws.

He took a shaky breath. "H-Hakkai. Are you _you,_ man?"

Hakkai nodded very, very slowly. He licked his lips and said, "Yes. I think so."

As soon as he'd said it, Gojyo hooked his arm around his neck, rested his forehead on his shoulder, and slumped against him so heavily, Hakkai had to adjust his stance to hold him up, "Good."

After a second, Hakkai put his hands carefully on Gojyo's shoulders, being mindful of his claws, almost like he didn't really know what else to do. He made eye contact with me, and I could still sense the wildness of his chi. "I believe I _did_ lose it for a moment…but I must have lost consciousness in the fight, and when I came to, I realized what was going on. I managed to find the diadem lying nearby… Well, I suppose all the trivial details don't necessarily matter do they? Still, it seems we survived the DethBreed after all, didn't we?"

I snorted and lit a cigarette, trying to hide how my hands were shaking, "Hmph. Was there ever any doubt that we would?"

"I don't know. I thought there was."

I hated to admit it, but I had been doubting it a little myself up until they came back. I looked around the battlefield. The moon was sinking toward the horizon, and everything was quiet. A cool wind was blowing. Goku was murmuring in his sleep. The night seemed peaceful, but I still felt a strange sense of foreboding trembling somewhere in the distance.

Gojyo straightened up again and dug into his pocket, handed Hakkai his limiters, "Last time, right?"

"I certainly hope so."

"No way, man, that shit doesn't cut it. Last time."

Hakkai sighed, "Yes, Gojyo, this was the last time. I promise." He clipped them back into place, and in a moment, he was just himself again, as far as the eye could see anyway. His chi was still burning like a firestorm, but it seemed a little more controlled now. With any luck, we'd avoided having to kill him. "Is everyone all right?"

My wounds were throbbing, and my head was still spinning, but I wasn't in any danger of dying, so I just snorted.

Hakkai took a moment to heal my wounds anyway, and then Gojyo's, but he looked like he was hurt worse than either of us.

"Too bad you can't heal yourself." Gojyo muttered, as Hakkai was closing his wounds.

Hakkai just laughed, tiredly, "I'll be all right. Our first aid kit is around here somewhere, I'm sure. At any rate, this town seems mostly deserted now, so I doubt there's a safe place to stay the night. There could still be some soldiers marauding about, and personally, I'd like to sleep."

"Let's pack up the monkey and move out." I decided, beginning to pick my way through the debris.

Gojyo slung Goku over his shoulder with a vague moan, and the two of them followed me. I tried not to let my relief overcome me, but having the team back together did make me feel a little bit better. My anxiety over the last few days had been almost unbearable. Still, even though we'd won the battle tonight, I couldn't help feeling just a touch uneasy. Maybe it was because Jade had said she'd kill me once our mutual enemy was gone. Or maybe it was because Kougaiji was nearby, and right now none of us were in any shape to deal with him. I thought it could have to do with the fact that Hakkai's chi was still completely out of control. Just because the DethBreed was no longer a problem didn't mean all our issues had been resolved, I didn't think, especially since we were all injured now, and anything else that came our way would probably be kind of hard to deal with.

"Hakkai, where's the Jeep?"

"Hm?"

I turned to look back at him, but his expression was distant. "Jeep."

"Oh yes. We left him with Lei—she said she'd meet us outside of town."

I accepted that without a word, and we kept walking.

"I hope she's okay." Gojyo mumbled, sounding unusually guilty.

"I wouldn't worry too much; I'm sure Jeep is taking good care of her."

The three of us made our way out of town, and by the time we left the burning city behind, I felt completely drained. It was good to see Jeep sitting up on the hill, away from everything, and I hoped we'd be able to continue the journey normally now.

_I don't know though… This isn't over. Not yet._

I glanced around as we approached the car, just to make sure we weren't surrounded by enemies, but everything seemed quiet.

Lei was there, resting in the back seat. She came out to meet us, greeting Gojyo with a quick hug, and then she took it upon herself to tend Hakkai's wounds. "Tomorrow." She said while she was working, "If it's not too much trouble, I'd like to go with you to the next town, so I can purchase some supplies, and then I think I'll start on my way home. Deshi's gone…so I have no more reason to be away from my people."

"That certainly sounds like it might be for the best." Hakkai answered, softly, and then added, with an air of sullenness, "Goodness knows it's a wild world."

"You're still welcome to come if you want, Gojyo."

"Nah, that's okay. I gotta' look after these guys."

"Don't flatter yourself." I snorted, but my heart wasn't in it this time, and Gojyo let it go.

When Lei was done with Hakkai's injuries, we got in the car and drove on toward the west, pulled off to the side of the road a few miles from town where we thought we'd be safe from any DethBreed leftovers or assassins, and Gojyo parked in the trees where we were relatively out of sight.

He put the car in park and sighed, leaning back in his seat. "Shit. What a day."

I was feeling pretty tired too, even though the dizziness had stopped when Hakkai closed my wounds.

We were silent a while, and then he asked, "What'dya' think? Think it's over?"

"Ryptcore is definitely dead."

"…I didn't mean _that_."

I glanced in the rearview mirror at Hakkai, who'd already fallen asleep. Lei was asleep too, and Goku was still snoring.

Even in his sleep, Hakkai's chi was raging. In my eyes at least, he still seemed borderline out of control, walking a shaky line between normalcy and insanity.

"Who knows. He shouldn't take his limiter off again, that's all I know."

"Right."

"There's nothing else you can do for him."

Gojyo toyed with his lighter, and I watched him out of the corner of my eye. I thought he'd say something else about it, but he didn't. Instead he said, "Think that bitch'll really try to come back and kill you now that Ryptcore's out of the way?"

"What are you asking me for? You know more about her than I do."

"All _I_ know is if she shows her face again, I'm gonna' kill her."

I listened. His voice was full of unadulterated rage and hate. It had been a long time since I'd seen those emotions on his face, so pure and determined, and I couldn't help turning to face him. I couldn't help wondering what she'd done, but I didn't care enough to ask.

At last I just said, "Yeah, well if you get yourself killed, I'm dumping you in a shallow grave and moving on."

As soon as I'd said it, I felt almost, just the slightest bit, sorry, but I couldn't imagine where _that_ came from. There was no reason to be sorry over the truth.

Gojyo just laughed at me anyway, "See? I can always count on you to make me feel better."

I nearly said something else. Anything else, just so it wouldn't be the last thing I said to him tonight, but I didn't see why I should. It was like he said. Just because he'd come back and was saying he meant to stick around didn't mean we were suddenly friends. Gojyo was still the same disgusting, pathetic idiot he'd always been, and I was stuck with him for a very, very long time.

So I pushed that strange urge away, finished off my cigarette, and settled back to go to sleep.

By the time I began to nod off, the sun was coming up behind us.

* * *

**Goku**

I woke up in the back of Jeep, and I couldn't remember how I got there. I was leaning against Hakkai's shoulder—he smelled like the rustiness of blood, dirt and smoke. I didn't smell soap or laundry detergent or sake or tea like I usually did. He almost didn't smell like Hakkai at all. When I sat up and looked at him, he was sorta' beat up and gross, but he looked normal. His chi was intense like the other night…_last _night, I guess, but he didn't look berserk. I couldn't remember how he'd gotten there either.

Lei was on the other side of me, leaning over with her face hidden against her arm. I didn't think I'd see her at all. Did she find Deshi, or…?

I sat up, rubbing my head, looked around. It was a gray day, like it was going to rain or something. I could smell the storm in the air, drops of water hovering in the sky. In the distance, there was smoke I could smell but not see. We were surrounded by trees; I could barely see the road from where we were sitting.

Sanzo was in front of me. Gojyo was in the driver's seat.

What happened?

The last thing I remembered was fighting Ryptcore and the DethBreed, Kougaiji and Dokugakuji getting separated from us. Looking for Hakkai and Gojyo through all the twisted, creepy faces… I barely remembered deciding to take my limiter off.

I reached up to touch it. It was warm and familiar on my forehead. Next, I felt myself all over, but I wasn't hurt. Then again…I was never hurt when I woke up from being…_that way_.

Was everyone else okay? I couldn't remember anything, but they probably had to fight me. I looked at Hakkai again. He was sorta' beat up, but I didn't know if it was my fault or not. Maybe it was just from fighting Ryptcore. If he did fight Ryptcore.

He must have. He and Gojyo had to have showed up and helped Sanzo. That was the only thing that made sense.

_Wish I could remember._

Maybe it was lucky I couldn't. I didn't want to remember trying to hurt my friends.

My stomach growled, and I shivered. It was sorta' cold today, and I couldn't remember the last time I ate. With Sanzo at the tavern? I could use a warm breakfast. It didn't look like I was going to get one.

In front of me, Gojyo lit a cigarette. The smoke was harsh and strong, but it was familiar. I missed that smell. "Hey."

"Nn. Hey." I leaned forward, careful not to bump Hakkai, "Didn't know ya' were awake."

It was early, I thought. Super early. Not being able to see the sun made it kinda' hard to tell, but it felt early.

Gojyo turned around in the seat to look at me.

I stared at him. He was sorta' beat up too, like Hakkai. His face was bruised with blood smeared on it, and his scars….it looked like somebody tore them open, which was way messed up.

_Not me…right?_

That wasn't why I was staring though. It was something else. A feeling maybe. No, not really that. For some reason, he just didn't look like he was really there. Like he was fading away. His face looked pale—gray almost—and, his hair was the color of rust, and his eyes seemed dull. With the smoke curling around him, he looked kinda' like a ghost.

_Am I havin' a dream?_

I realized he was talking. His voice was quiet. Not like it was s'posed to be.

Gojyo frowned at me, "You okay, kid?"

"Uh, yeah." It had to be my imagination, that's all. Or maybe it had to do with how dark and rainy it looked outside.

He looked at me like he didn't know if he believed me or not, and then he turned back around, pulling his jacket closed, and I noticed he wasn't wearing a shirt.

"Are _you _okay?"

"Yep, I'm good." His voice still seemed quiet, but maybe he was just trying not to wake the others up.

"What the heck happened last night?"

"You want the long version or the short version?"

"Dunno'."

"…I'll give you the short version—your monkey brain can probably handle that a little better."

"Just tell me the story, ya' damn ghost roach."

Gojyo looked over his shoulder at me and raised an eyebrow, "_Ghost_ roach?"

"Nothin'. What happened last night?"

"We came to the rescue, killed Ryptcore, put your limiter back on you, and everybody lived happily ever after. The end."

I looked at him doubtfully, "Really? Ryptcore's dead?"

"Sanzo took him out with the Makai Tenjyo."

I remembered Sanzo talking about that. He said he needed somebody to distract him.

"'Course _you_ were just in the way the whole time, stupid monkey. You should really consult the whole group before you go taking your diadem off."

I whispered, "Did I hurtcha' guys?"

Gojyo sat still for a sec, then he turned around in the seat again. "Naw, not really. Couple scratches here and there, nothin' major." Then he grinned at me.

Something about seeing him smile made me feel like I hadn't seen him in forever. I felt that way last night when I saw Hakkai too. It felt like they'd gone so far away and handled their own problems without us, it was like they'd been gone for years. I was glad to have them back.

I tried to smile at Gojyo. "I knew you guys would show up. Even if ya' _were_ super late."

"Hey man, yesterday sucked. We had a lot to deal with."

I got the feeling he wasn't joking at all; he sounded tired and sorta' sad.

"I missed you guys."

"After walking all by yourself with Sanzo for three days? I bet you missed us like hell."

That was different too now. When he talked about Sanzo, he didn't sound so angry and annoyed, like he did before. It seemed normal now. Maybe they fixed whatever was wrong.

"You guys gonna' leave again?"

Gojyo looked past me and stared at Hakkai for a sec. He frowned. Prob'ly 'cause Hakkai's chi was so nuts, even in his sleep. "I don't think so."

"Good. Goin' without you guys sucked."

He smiled again, only this time it seemed fake. "Aw, the little monkey missed us _that _much?"

"Stuff was just…weird without ya'. I'm glad you're back."

"Don't sweat it, kid, it's no big deal."

We were both quiet. The sky started to get a little bit brighter. Lei shifted in the seat next to me, and I thought about the talk we'd had the other day on the side of the road. I still felt kinda' bad for her; it seemed like she was having as tough a time as the rest of us.

"Did Lei tell ya' Deshi ran away from home?"

Gojyo didn't move for a second. He nodded slowly.

"You guys didn't see him at all?"

"No…well, kinda'." His voice sounded even quieter and more tired now.

"Kinda'? Did he-"

"Goku, Deshi's dead. Jade killed him."

"Wha? Ya' mean, that crazy youkai lady?"

"Yeah. That one."

"What the heck did she do that for?"

"Because she's nuts…and I pissed her off."

I listened to his voice. Gojyo sounded pretty pissed off too, but he sounded kinda' sad. I felt sad. I remembered the day I'd had, way back in the hanyou village, and how I'd run around with Deshi, given him the old lighter, how he smiled up at me and treated me like I was somebody really cool, not just some dumb kid. I'd been somebody important in his eyes, even if it was just for a little bit.

"Does Lei know?" I asked quietly.

He gave me another jerky nod.

That musta' really sucked. I guess she was definitely having as tough a time as we were.

"Ya' okay?"

"What? Yeah. Of course. I'm good. Y'know? That's just life."

"Just seems like that little kid really liked ya'…"

"…I just gotta' kill Jade. That's all."

She'd really been screwing with him and Hakkai. Like on the morning she pushed Deshi down the well. I wondered what the point of all of it was, or if there even was a point to begin with. I mean, what did the crazy lady want?

Guess that's why he seemed kinda' down. I knew Gojyo was upset when Ryptcore killed all those other half-breeds, and then it was even worse when a buncha' the survivors were killed. I wondered if Deshi dying was sorta' the last thing he could take. What if something happened to Lei next?

_We'll still be around for him._

I blurted out, "I think I was wrong 'bout somethin', Gojyo."

"What, just _one_ thing?"

I ignored him, "When ya' asked me if I know what a friend is, like a real friend…I guess I didn't really…understand. I thought a friend was just somebody ya' killed time with. I figured out that ain't true."

He looked me in the eye through the rearview mirror, "What are you talking about? I don't remember that at all."

Did he not remember, or was he just playing dumb?

"I figured out that friends are the people that're always there for ya'. The people who actually care what happens to ya'. It made me think…friends like that…they don't grow on trees. Like apples."

"Apples? You lost me, man."

I think he was playing dumb 'cause he didn't wanna' deal with what I was saying. He was sorta' like Sanzo when he did that, just he did it differently.

"I'm sorry."

He finally turned to look at me again, "Sorry? 'The hell're you sorry for, monkey?"

"That night…before Ryptcore destroyed ev'rythin', I was gonna' tell ya' that you should just stay there…'cause I thought ya' wanted to."

"Yeah. So?"

"I guess I'm sorry 'cause I know I shouldn'ta' thought that crap about you. I shouldn'ta' thought ya' belonged there just 'cause you looked like ev'rybody else that lived there."

Gojyo stared at me, not saying anything. His face relaxed a little.

"I don't think that anymore. Lei doesn't think so either. You didn't belong there, 'cause you wouldn'ta' fit in there.

"I figured out what ya' were talkin' about with the friends things. I figured out that _we're_ your friends. I dunno' why, but we get'cha. That's why…" I glanced around the Jeep, at him, at Sanzo and Hakkai. I couldn't help smiling again, "You belong with _us_."

Gojyo kept looking at me for a sec, and I held his gaze.

Finally, he turned away, and I thought he looked kinda' bothered, but he just nodded again. "Right."

"And I don't ever want ya' to go anywhere."

"'Kay, well I won't then, kiddo'."

Smiling to myself, I leaned forward to rest my head against the back of his seat, "Okay, good."

We were quiet after that. I said everything I needed to say, and he probably didn't know what to say, so neither of us said anything.

The others started to wake up soon anyway.

Lei was first. She talked to me and Gojyo for a bit, and then she got out of the car and went to sit down under a tree. I could tell by looking at her that she was really, really sad, and prob'ly wanted to be alone.

Hakkai was next. He opened his eyes and smiled right at me, asked how I was, and then climbed out of the Jeep, sort of stiff and slow. I watched him walk around the area for a couple minutes, thinking about his crazy aura and how strong it felt. I wondered if I felt that way too without my limiter. But he was wearing his, so…

Gojyo got out of the car a minute later and went over to Hakkai and they walked around together, coming in and out of hearing range, so I only heard some of what they said. They said stuff about 'that woman' or 'that bitch' a lot, so I figured they were talking about crazy Jade. Somethin' about the way they moved together, almost in sync, and the way they talked, the things they said to each other, made me feel like they were looking to each other to make them feel better about…somethin'. Somethin' I couldn't even guess at. Hakkai's chi maybe. Or the fact that Gojyo was super sad. Or maybe somethin' else I couldn't even see or feel.

I felt somebody watching me, turned to see Sanzo with his eyes open, head cocked to look back at me. There was somethin' about the way he was staring. Not relieved, I guess. Not worried. Sorry maybe? I'd never seen him look so sorry.

I smiled at him, "Hey, Sanzo. Good mornin'."

He didn't answer at first. It looked like he wanted to tell me something, but then he didn't.

"Heh heh, sorry about last night." I tried to act like I didn't really know what happened, the way he and Gojyo did. I didn't wanna' face what I did last night, and I didn't wanna' think about what Sanzo went through after I took my crown off.

"I would hit you with the fan a million times right now if I weren't so sore."

"I said I was sorry."

"And you actually think that's good enough?"

I frowned. I was starting to feel bad again.

Maybe he could tell, 'cause he looked away suddenly, "Don't ever do that again. Do you understand?"

"Yeah. I wouldn't, 'cept…I kinda' had ta'…"

Sanzo snorted, "You didn't _have_ to. It might have been better if you hadn't."

"But…" my heart started beating fast, "I didn't hurt any of you guys, right?"

He shook his head, but I could see him watching Hakkai. 'Kai was the only one wearing bandages, and he was the only one that couldn't be healed. If I hurt him…

"Don't lose sleep over it, monkey." Sanzo told me quietly.

I waited a sec before saying, "The guys came back, just like I said they would."

"Hmph. Of course they did. I can't get away from you three idiots for anything."

But I knew what he really meant by that.

…Okay, I didn't _really_ know what it meant, but I got that he felt better having all of us together, and he didn't seem angry and scared and nervous like he had since they left. At least I got that he meant stuff was good now.

"Is ev'rything gonna' be okay now?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"I dunno'. Is everything…normal?"

He said, "Everything's fine, Goku." But I noticed the long silence before it, and I knew Sanzo wasn't sure stuff was okay either. He kept watching the guys, and I saw the way he was frowning.

Whatever happened next, I told myself I wasn't gonna' let anymore bad stuff happen to my friends. We were all together now, and we were gonna' look after each other. I knew it would all be okay, even if the three of them weren't sure.

Everybody came back to the car after a couple minutes, and we had breakfast, but I noticed how quiet they were all being, and they kept looking around, like they were watching for somebody. I tried a couple times to ask what was goin' on, but no one answered me.

We finished eating, and then we got back in the car.

Gojyo drove, and I thought that was weird, 'cause Hakkai always drove, and 'cause Gojyo seemed really, _really_ tired, but any time Hakkai offered to switch spots, he always said he was okay. I guess he thought he was in better shape to drive. Hakkai was hurt kinda' bad. His right arm was all tore up, the bandages were turning red, and his clothes were ripped, and I could see wounds and gauze through the tears. He went back to sleep when we'd been on the road for a bit, and every time he woke up, he offered to drive, and every time, Gojyo told him no.

After a while, I think Hakkai got pissy about it, 'cause he told Gojyo he was being absurd, but Gojyo didn't act like he gave a crap.

Sanzo was quiet the whole way, and I saw him sleeping a lot too. All three of them seemed wiped out.

Lei stayed awake, looking out at the scenery, so I talked to her and played some games with her, but she still acted pretty sad. I wanted to tell her how much it sucked that Deshi was dead, but I didn't know how to bring it up. So I didn't.

In a couple hours, it was raining, and that only made stuff worse. We all got wet, and Sanzo and Hakkai both got sorta' moody, and Gojyo still wasn't acting totally normal, so there wasn't really anybody to joke around with or even talk to. I got hungry, but I was too nervous to say anything when they were all bein' weird.

The rain was freezing and hard, it blew in my face and stung my eyes, and after we'd been in it for a little bit, I started to feel kinda' bummed out myself. The sky was still gray. Everything I saw was depressing and dull and wet. The road was muddy. The forest was misty. All I could smell was the rain and the blood of my friends, still covering their clothes and stuff.

When the rain got too heavy, Sanzo decided we might as well take a break for lunch, but I knew he wanted to try to get out of the rain somehow. Gojyo pulled over under some trees, but they didn't give us much cover. I was soaked and shivering and cold as Hakkai handed me some lunch. He looked bothered and distracted.

It felt like no matter _who_ I talked to, they were either upset or very far away, so I started thinking maybe I should be worried and upset and moody too.

Right after I thought that, she showed up.

She came out of nowhere. We were gathered under the trees together, watching the rain come down in bucketfuls, no one was really talking.

I looked up and saw her moving through the trees, her long hair was soaked, blowing everywhere with the wind, and she had her sword in one hand. She walked toward us kinda' fast, like she had something particular in mind, but she was just a shadowy figure in the rain and the mist. At first, she was just creepy, and I didn't actually believe she was there.

By the time I thought about pointing her out, the others had noticed her.

"That bitch." Gojyo growled, taking a step toward her. I could smell the hate on him, and I could tell from his stance that he really wanted to fight.

Hakkai grabbed his arm, "Wait a moment."

"Wait for what?"

"We might as well see what she wants, don't you think?"

"Screw that! We know what she wants! The same shit she's always wanted! To kill Sanzo and fuck with you and just be an evil _whore_!"

I kept watching her. She wasn't attacking yet; I almost forgot she wanted to kill Sanzo, and I wondered if she'd changed her mind about it. I looked up at him. His gold hair was soaked, looking almost brown, and his forehead was wrinkled. He didn't look anymore worried than he had all day. I wanted to ask if he thought it'd be okay.

"Both of you put a sock in it." He growled.

By then, she was right in front of us, staring through the trees at us, with glowing, green eyes, and this creepy, wild smile. "Good afternoon, Sanzo Ikkou."

"Fuck you! You got some guts to show up here after what you did!" Gojyo screamed—like really screamed—his voice echoed all around us, and even I almost turned around to tell him to calm down.

He looked totally furious, and Hakkai was holding him back. I got the feeling that if he let him go, he'd just attack, no matter how tired and sad he was.

"Gojyo-"

She just giggled, "And you think you're going to be the one who punishes me? How charming."

"What do you want, Jade?" Hakkai demanded. He sounded…I dunno'. Lotsa' things. Tired. Nervous. Angry. Lots and lots of things.

"Ryptcore is dead and my land is secure. I can return home if I wish—truthfully I considered it—but I realized shortly after helping to destroy Ryptcore, that I have no clan to return to. No mate. No children. No brothers. No followers. I lost those things to this Sanzo Priest."

"We all know." Sanzo growled. "Just say whatever you wanna' say, or shut up and quit wasting our time."

Jade laughed again. It rang around us, echoing through the woods and the rain, like a bell.

It made me shiver.

"I'd like to put your head on display alongside Ryptcore's, Sanzo."

"Oh, is that so?"

I moved a step closer to him, getting ready to fight.

"More than anything. _But_ it's not the only thing I want."

"Go figure. Well, you're just _dripping_ with ulterior motives, and no one here has the patience to guess at what you want, so for the last time, tell us what it is you came here for, or go away."

Her smile looked like it got a little bit bigger, and she looked right at Hakkai, "It's about time, don't you think, my love?"

"Time?" his voice was quiet. I could tell he knew exactly what she meant, and he was shaking all over, but I didn't think it was 'cause he was scared or cold even. His chi suddenly seemed even stronger than before, like he was losing control of it. "Time for what?"

"Time to stop denying your true nature. Time to join me. Time to realize your full potential, once and for all."

Hakkai paused, "Why on earth would I want to do any of that?"

"Because it's what you've longed for, secretly, and I know it. And you know it. Even your friends have seen it. You wish to be free from inhibition and tiresome morality."

My heart started to pound as his chi grew even more. I looked up at him, saw that his face was dark and violent. His eyes were hard like stones.

Gojyo turned to him, "Keep it together, man."

"Jade…" Hakkai snarled, "I've had enough of this foolish game of yours… Leave now. Or-"

"Or what? Will you really attack me, darling? I think I should warn you—the chances of you defeating me with your limiter on are slim. There's only one way for you to dispatch me. But why bother with this formality? Why don't you give up this charade and join me? Take the limiter off, and together, we'll kill Sanzo."

Hakkai's body jerked when he heard that.

We all stared at him for a while, waiting to see what he'd say, and I felt kinda' scared. But he wouldn't do it, right? He wouldn't really do that, ever. Would he?

I grabbed onto Sanzo's sleeve.

Hakkai murmured, "That's absurd." He clenched his fists tightly, "Completely absurd. You won't convince me to murder my own team mates."

"Won't I? You came dangerously close to doing exactly that not two nights ago, and dare I say, you're even closer to the edge now than you were then?"

Sanzo turned to him, "Hakkai-"

"Get away from me!" Hakkai screamed suddenly, taking a step away from Sanzo. "All of you!"

I stared at him. I thought my eyes were gonna' fall out of my head. He was looking sorta' crazy, like he might actually do it. "Hakkai…what's wrong?"

He was shaking, drawing back, dripping with water, eyes wide, and he looked almost like an animal. A lot like the berserk youkai we had to deal with every day, even though he was wearing his limiter. His chi was raging. I could sense that he was about to lose control of it completely, watched him toy with his limiter, and I got ready to fight.

"You fucking bitch." Gojyo said darkly, "That's what you wanted all along, huh? That's why you never laid off. You thought you could get _Hakkai_ to kill Sanzo for you."

Eyes wider than ever, I whipped around to look at her again, "N-no way. Why would Hakkai _ever_ even _think_ about killin' Sanzo?"

"He would if he's berserk. Right, Jade? If he loses it and attacks Sanzo, she knows we won't be able to stop him."

"Why should I do my own dirty work?" Jade sighed, "I'm used to having a man to do everything. I still would, if it weren't for the four of you, but…I think I can fix it today."

"Yeah, well it's not gonna' work." Gojyo had his shakujou out now. "You're never gonna' get the chance, 'cause I'm gonna' kill you."

_"This_ again, Gojyo, dear? I told you last time that you need to choose a game you can win."

"You made a big. Fucking. Mistake when you killed Deshi last night. There's no way I'm gonna' let you get away with that. No way in hell."

Hakkai seemed to wake up suddenly, "Gojyo-"

"You guys stay outta' this. All of you. Bitch is mine."

We all stared at him like he was crazy.

"That's a very bad idea." Hakkai told him quietly. "If you fight her and you lose, that could compromise…everything."

"Everything's compromised already anyway, isn't it?"

"I suppose so…still, that doesn't mean you should throw your inhibitions to the wind like this."

"I'm sick of you giving me reasons not to fight this bitch; you said I'd get my chance to avenge Deshi. This is it."

Hakkai sighed, "I can't stop you…can I?"

"Not this time." Gojyo pulled away and stepped out in front of us. "You guys just stay outta' this."

"Whatever." Sanzo snorted, "Just hurry it up."

"Um, Gojyo." I grabbed his arm, suddenly. I didn't know what else to do. I was worried for some reason. Really, really worried. I didn't know why I should be. But I was scared. How tough could this girl be? Gojyo could beat a girl by himself.

_It's no big deal_.

He glanced down at me, and all I could think about was how he'd seemed like he was fading away this morning._ Ghost roach._

I really, really didn't want him to do this, 'cause I had a really gross feeling in the pit of my stomach now, like I ate somethin' bad.

What could I do though? If Hakkai couldn't stop him, how was I supposed to?

At last I just murmured, "Be careful." And let him go.

He didn't even answer me, just walked away to meet Jade, cigarette in one hand, shakujou in the other, and I watched him go, felt a shudder deep inside.


	29. Chapter 29

**Sorry for the delay. It took me a while to figure out exactly how I wanted to proceed. Thanks for your patience. =]**

**Gojyo**

I stood face to face with Jade, heart racing. The rain was pouring, dripping off my face and hair, soaking my clothes. My jacket was heavy. I was cold. That was the least of my problems though. I hadn't gotten enough sleep to deal with this shit, and my same old injuries were still bothering me. I hadn't been at one hundred percent since the first time we fought Ryptcore and he stomped on me, and I'd have to be stupid to think I could fight Jade at less than one hundred percent and win.

So why was I doing this? Why wasn't I letting someone else handle it?

First of all, it was my right to punish her for killing Deshi. It just wouldn't feel right if I didn't so much as try.

Besides…I knew what the alternatives were. Hakkai was psyching out. He came back last night, somehow, but…all day I'd been feeling like he didn't _really_ come back. Just the way he was acting when Jade showed up today was a huge red flag to me—he couldn't handle a fight right now, with or without his limiters on, and he definitely couldn't handle a fight with Jade, and the last thing we needed was for Hakkai to turn on us, because this time, he wasn't coming back. Last night, Sanzo said he was gone, he was bound and determined to kill him, because he'd been so sure Hakkai was lost, and then we'd lucked out and gotten him back. But not this time. This time, if he checked out, I knew that would be the end of him, and I'd do anything to keep that from happening. Maybe this was stupid, but I guess I felt like this was the only thing I could do to save him.

But, if I lost, and Jade ripped me apart like she wanted to, that wouldn't be good for Hakkai's sanity either.

I had never thought that I could be anywhere near on par to Kanan, for so many reasons. One, because she was Hakkai's girl _and_ his sister, and I was just his buddy. Two, because I'd gathered that Kanan was the greatest girl to ever get born on planet earth, and I was a scumbag hanyou. Then, the other night…_last_ night, he'd said he wouldn't even want to think about having to choose between us. If that was true—and it might not be—he wasn't going to be able to handle watching me lose a crucial fight like this. We'd all seen how Hakkai got when something threatened the shit he cared about.

The only answer was, I'd better not lose. I'd better shove away the blanket of exhaustion that had fallen over my mind, my body, and my heart, man up, and put this bitch in her place. It didn't matter how tired I was, it didn't matter how injured I was, it didn't matter how sick I was of all this ongoing bullshit, it didn't matter that all I wanted was to lie down and sleep for a week straight, and it didn't matter that everything that had happened since all this started was really getting me down now. All that mattered was that I had to win this thing. I had to avenge Deshi and keep Hakkai from going berserk and protect my own dignity.

_This could seriously blow up in my face…_

Jade was laughing at me.

"What's so funny, bitch?"

"You. The way you're so determined to put yourself in harm's way for others. It fascinates me. But, it's disgusting. And, I have to admit, it's somewhat silly."

"We'll see how funny you think it is when I rip you to pieces."

"I'm not sure why you think this will end well for you considering the way our past fights have gone."

That was probably a good point, but I told myself it didn't matter. When I fought her in the bar, we were almost on par, and when I fought her yesterday morning, I was already injured from fighting Hakkai. So even if I wasn't up to one hundred percent exactly, I felt like I should be able to hold my own. I should be able to kill her.

I grinned at her, "Hey now, don't wuss out on me now—you know there's nothing you can say to change my mind."

"I wouldn't dream of changing your mind. Don't you see? I have you exactly where I want you now."

_Yeah. I was afraid of that._

"You think so, huh?"

"What's going to happen if you lose, Gojyo?"

"I ain't worried about that."

"Very well. What's going to happen if you _win_? Can you answer me that?"

I studied her a long moment, "What are you talking about? A win's a win. You'll be dead, and I'll be alive."

"Do you think…" Her eyes were narrow, glowing, green slits, "Hakkai wants to see me die? You and I both know the nature of his attachment to me, and don't you think, if you kill me, it could be an extension of what it was like to lose _her_?"

_Is that even possible?_

What was she saying? Did Jade actually think Hakkai would protect her? Did she think that he'd go nuts anyway and turn against me if I hurt her?

Slowly, I glanced over my shoulder at him. He looked freaked out and worried as hell, his chi was going crazy, but still…

There was no way, because he _knew_ she wasn't Kanan

I didn't even want to think it was possible that Hakkai would attack me if I hurt or killed Jade, and I definitely didn't want to think that hurting or killing Jade could be the exact thing it took to set him off in the wrong direction.

_Nothing to do but hope for the best…_

We stood there a second longer, and then I sprang at her, twirling my shakujou around. I figured the best I could do was strike first and hope that the old adage about the first blow was true.

Jade jumped out of the way and swung at me with her sword. The blade cut a few strands of my hair.

I spun, aiming for her stomach. Wouldn't I love to hack her in two?

She jumped up, floating above my head, struck at me five times, all in the blink of an eye, and I was busy blocking. She landed right in front of my face. Her sixth attack almost tore my guts out; I barely managed to turn to the side, felt her sword cut into my coat.

I grabbed her wrist in one hand, pushing her sword away from me, took a stab at lopping her head off with the sickle.

Jade whirled around, swinging me with her, almost like we were dancing. I kicked her in the abdomen.

She stumbled back, doubling over, wrenched out of my grip.

It was crazy. Her sword was everywhere. Flashes of steely silver, striking like lightning, hitting hard; our weapons clashed and the sound of steel meeting steel echoed through the trees.

Jade dove back. I ran at her. I knew I had to make this fight as short and sweet as I possibly could. The longer I fought, the more tired I was going to feel, and if I let my guard down, she was going to kill me. I didn't doubt it. She was done screwing around with me, and I knew it. She'd been wanting to kill me ever since that shit I said to her in the woods, and I knew that too. I didn't know if Hakkai had known it—probably not, since he hadn't been around to hear what we said to each other—but I'd seen it in her eyes as she walked away. It was her priority to kill me. She knew she'd have to get me out of the way, even before she killed Sanzo.

She sprang back, fading into the mist, becoming a murky silhouette.

I chased her, slashing furiously, but she was so good at fading in and out of sight, disappearing behind trees and then reappearing right in front of me, I felt like I was just shadow boxing.

I took another swing at her. It would have cut her right leg and arm off, if it hit.

Jade vanished.

For a second, I stood still. The rain was pounding in my head—it was so heavy, it was almost deafening—stinging at my eyes, so I had to squint.

There was whispering and giggling. Right behind me.

I spun around; for a second, she was there. My blade cut through thin air.

Behind again. This time, she stayed a moment longer, just to laugh at me.

I missed. Over and over, I missed. She was coming and going like a frickin' ghost, never holding still quite long enough to attack or be attacked, and I was getting frustrated.

"Hold still, dammit!"

My next swing cut through a tree branch the width of my arm, like it was made of pudding. If I could just hit her, I knew I could kill her. I _wanted _to kill her, more than I wanted anything else.

Jade popped up in front of my face.

I shouted.

With a furious scream, she came at me. Down-swing toward my neck. Up-swing toward my side. Stab at my stomach. I feinted back, twisting and dodging, flung the sickle at her. I could barely hear the chain rattling over the sound of the rain.

She knocked it away, charged me, then banked left at the last second.

When I turned to follow her, she was gone again. The rain seemed even heavier. The woods were lonely.

Time seemed like it was standing still. Minutes passed, and I was turning and starting at every sound I heard, but she didn't reappear again.

"Where in the fuck is-"

Something struck me hard in the back, just between my shoulder blades.

I stumbled forward with a yelp, struggling to keep my balance, and then she was right beside me, bringing the blade of her sword straight down, meaning to cut through my skull and straight down to my crotch.

I put my shakujou up to block.

Jade kicked me again, in the stomach, forcing me back against a tree, and then she stood face-to-face with me. It was so familiar, it was sickening.

Her lips were just centimeters from mine. "It's necessary, you know." Her breath was hot, and it reeked like death. "Think of how it will be for them to watch you die. Think how it will be for _him_."

I knocked her in the head with the side of my hand, grabbed her by the shirt front, gave her a good toss.

Jade caught herself on a branch, pulled herself upright, but when she raised her head, I saw that she was bleeding a little.

"Is that what you think?" I snarled. "You think if you kill me they're all gonna' be too fucked up to do shit about it? Baby, you've seriously miscalculated."

"We'll find out, won't we? _I_ will, anyway."

With a snarl, she came at me. Her sword was drawn back to take my head off.

I braced myself, took a deep breath, waited for the right opportunity.

When she was just a couple feet away, I swept the fixed end of my weapon toward her. She didn't even try to block. It should have cut her in half at the hips. Should have.

There wasn't so much as a puff as she vanished again.

"Quit doing that!" I screamed, whipping around, wet hair flying in my face.

A powerful blow hit me square between the eyes, sending me stumbling back, grasping at my nose. Damn. That one hurt. A lot. She could hit pretty damn hard for being a woman. She hit me so hard, my vision even started to go black for a second.

"Look out!" Somebody screamed. It might have been Goku. Hard to tell over the sound of the rain.

I spun around again, expecting to see her right in front of me, pulling the same shitty, nasty tricks, over and over.

Something brushed against my right arm, first just under my shoulder, and then down over my forearm, to my wrist.

I turned, but she wasn't there either. My arm though…

My jacket sleeve was shredded. Bright, bright red was spurting from my arm, soaking everything between the tip of my middle finger and my collar bone.

How did she…?

It didn't even hurt. Not at first. After a second, some stinging started to set in, but other than that…

I felt someone graze my left side next, like a woman feeling me up.

To the left.

No one was there. Just the rain and the trees and the mist.

More blood was pouring down my side.

"Fuck." I touched it. There was a cut the length of my hand, right under my ribcage.

She was fucking quick.

_No. She's using some kind of magic, or something. It's like an illusion…_

I didn't have any way to keep up with that. My fighting style was pretty meat and potatoes.

_That doesn't mean I'm done._

"Behind you." She hissed.

I turned around, feeling slightly slower than I had a couple minutes ago.

Something hard and sharp dragged along my calf, crossing up to my thigh.

My leg gave out. I landed on one knee, feeling more blood gushing down my leg.

"Stop doing that, stupid!" Sanzo shouted. For some reason, his voice was really easy to hear over the rain. But it was weird that he was yelling at me in the middle of a fight. It didn't seem like his style to offer up any advice.

Jade was suddenly standing over me. "Oh my. It looks like you're it."

She raised her sword up; obviously she thought I was hurt bad enough that she could just slaughter me like an animal.

I waited it out, arms loose. I might be fast enough to jump up and stop her attack, or I might be so weak from blood loss that she'd just decapitate me, and there was only one way to find out.

"Gojyo!" Hakkai cut in from my right side, threw himself against Jade, and knocked her back into a tree. She hit her head hard and slumped to the ground in a daze, while he turned to me, looking more psyched out and worried than ever. He grabbed me under the arm and pulled me up. "Are you all right?"

For a sec, I was so stunned, I couldn't react, which meant I probably wouldn't have been able to dodge her swing, and then I turned suddenly and shoved him back.

He stumbled and gave me a wide-eyed, confused look.

Around then, I noticed that Goku was right there too, on the other side of me, with his bo ready to go.

I snarled, "Stay outta' my fight."

Hakkai stared, "Gojyo…"

"I told you guys to keep the fuck outta' it…and you better."

The kid tried to argue, "Yeah, but she's kinda' kickin' your butt."

"I don't need _you_ assholes steppin' in to save me, got it?"

"Yeah, but-"

"Stay out of it." I adjusted my grip on my weapon and stepped out in front of them.

Jade was just getting up.

I didn't give her a chance to recover. I pounced on her, grabbed both her wrists, and kneed her as hard as I possibly could in the stomach. So hard she actually spat up a wad of mucky-looking reddish-brown. I thrust her back, swung the sickle at her. She was fast enough to jump back out of the way, but one of the prongs slit through her stomach, and red started pouring from the wound immediately. It must have been pretty deep.

"You fucking slut." She growled, placing one hand over the wound.

"Right back at you."

God damn, I was tired. My head felt light; my leg was on fire.

Jade attacked, even more fiercely than before. She snapped her teeth at me, trying to tear my shoulder open, got a mouthful of my jacket instead. I grabbed the side of her head, the same side where I'd cut her ear off yesterday morning.

She screamed in outrage and pain.

I slammed her head down against my knee; she slumped to the ground, moaning and writhing, holding her face. I saw blood oozing between her fingers. Her sword was lying on the ground.

Disdainfully, I kicked it away. "You weren't so tough after all."

I stood over her, shakujou clenched tight in my hand, lifted it up, ready to slice her head off.

At the last second, Jade reached up and grabbed the shaft of the shakujou, rolled over, swinging it over her head, taking me with it. She bashed me against a tree, bruising my shoulder, and, for the two millionth time, jostling my ribs.

I got my bearings and kicked her in the face.

She stumbled back.

I staggered under the weight of my injuries, then took my opportunity to send the sickle after her again.

She faded to one side, vanishing.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."

"Gojyo!" Someone was screaming. I couldn't figure out who it was—the rain was coming down harder than ever.

I did hear the scraping sound of steel over rock though. When I glanced around, her sword was gone.

"Fuck."

My heart was racing; my body was shaking from cold.

I waited.

There was a murmur, just over my left shoulder.

Instead of turning, I suddenly flung my chain straight up, wrapping it around a tree branch that was a good ten feet above me, retracted it immediately, letting my weapon haul me up out of the way.

Below me, Jade appeared, sword in hand again, and I saw my blood was rolling off its milk-white blade.

I dropped down on her, screaming, and swung.

She dove forward, not quite fast enough.

A clump of her wet, black hair hit the ground; I heard her screaming and saw a quick squirt of red.

I landed roughly, dropping to my knees again, injured leg burning worse than ever.

I'd torn down her back though, from shoulder to the hem of her jeans. I could see that it was a deep wound, and bright blood was gushing from it, already starting to soak the entire back of her shirt. Jade looked furious and pained.

Forcing myself back onto my feet, I laughed. "Oh, what? You thought that would work ag-"

She was right in front of me. I didn't even see her move.

This time there was pain when she tore into me.

Her hand was bathed in red.

The pain flowed up into my chest.

Another strike. More pain. More blood.

Angrily, I headbutted her, splitting her nose open, and I'm pretty sure I knocked some of her pretty, white fangs out. But…

But damn…

I looked down at my stomach.

Man, I was such an idiot.

There was so much red, all over the front of my torso, staining my skin and my coat, I couldn't quite tell where it was all coming from.

My vision started to turn red.

I held my shakujou even tighter, waiting for her to come at me again.

Boom. She was right beside me. She grabbed my wrist—her grip was iron-strong—twisted my arm behind my back, and more pain split through my shoulder as she dislocated it. She kicked my injured leg, knocking me face down in the wet grass. I felt her grab a clump of my hair and jerk me up again.

I felt like someone was cutting through me with a hot piece of ragged metal—her claws, hacking across my chest, so deep, I think she hit bone.

I didn't even get a chance to scream. Jade smashed my head down on a rock.

Everything went black. I could hear my own shuddering breath, and I could hear the rain all around me. I was cold. I felt numb. My body wouldn't move. I couldn't fucking see a thing.

Something…movement, I think. Touch. A vague, fluttering sensation on the edge of my mind.

My vision started to clear. She was lingering above me, just a fuzzy, shadowy shape.

"You could never have won." She was saying. "You knew it from the beginning, just like I did. Why? Why did you even bother putting up this pathetic farce? A mutt like you, with such audacity…you have no right to live, Gojyo."

She had me by the jacket. She dragged me up again.

My movements felt slow and weak and almost unreal, but I punched her with all my might, in the face. I grabbed her by the neck and clamped down hard; she clawed at my wrist, struggling to get loose.

Where did my shakujou go?

I wasn't holding it. I must have dropped it. Dropped it when she…

With a flick of my wrist, it was in my hand again, the steel feeling like a shaft of ice against my skin.

I was bleeding so bad now…I could barely breathe without screaming…I could hardly see.

Hakkai and Goku were coming up alongside me again, and this time I think even Sanzo was with them.

Furiously, I whipped the chain of my weapon back over my shoulder; the sickle lodged in a tree trunk, right next to Hakkai's head—another inch to the left, and it would have sliced his face open-the chain was stretched between me and the three of them.

They stared at me with the biggest, fucking eyes, like I was totally nuts.

I felt kind of nuts.

"I told you to stay out of this." I said. I didn't really sound as pissed as I felt, and I didn't sound very firm either, and I felt exhausted and fragile, but the look on my face must have been enough, because they stayed where they were.

With that, I let go of the shakujou again, and it vanished.

I crammed my hand into Jade's stomach. That didn't feel real either—it felt like punching a pillow. Completely unsatisfying.

I kicked her in the knee, held her up when she dropped.

Then I slammed her head back against the nearest tree. I slammed her head on the trunk. Over and over and over and over and over and over…

Blood was flowing down from her skull, over her neck, over my hand.

Her eyes were closed, mouth hanging open. Blood was oozing from the corner of her mouth.

With a snort, I dropped her. "Bitch."

I was soaked. Blood and rain were drenching me from head to toe. I felt so cold…I could barely stand it. I could barely stand _up._ The pain in my chest, in my stomach, in my arm and leg…everywhere. It was like a wild fire, spreading through everything. I bent down to pick up her sword, thinking I'd finish her with it.

Someone clenched my wrist.

Jade smiled up at me.

I stared down at her, trying to make myself believe that what I was seeing was real.

_I just beat her brains out…there's no way…_

She was whispering something. I could barely make it out.

"It's your fault, you know. Everything that's happened has been your fault. You should have stayed out of the way—at least that would have saved your life and spared his sanity."

"What're you-"

Another hot shot of pain seared up my leg.

This time it was so intense, I couldn't help screaming. I fell face forward.

Jade was up before I even hit the ground. She grabbed the back of my jacket, held me suspended for a second.

Her sword jammed through me, from stomach to back. It was almost familiar, that sharp jab, that gush of heat followed by a touch of ice.

My voice hurt from screaming.

She tore the blade out of me, dropped me.

I fell onto my knees, throwing up, holding my stomach and throwing up more.

Jade dragged me up again, forcing me onto my feet. The red coating my vision was thicker than ever. I could barely see. My limbs were totally limp—I could hardly stand. No wait. I wasn't standing in the first place. She was holding me up.

"You're stupid." She whispered, hot breath tickling my ear. "They'll be better off without you. You abomination."

There was a faint pressure on my back, but it grew tighter, quickly. I felt a pinch. I felt razor sharp nails cut through my flesh and just keep going.

The pain…it was…unbelievable. It hurt. So fucking much. It was like someone was hammering a red hot chisel straight through my back.

It took me a moment to realize I was screaming, and by then, she'd torn all the way through me. I felt that pain go straight to my stomach.

Even then, she didn't let go. She wouldn't just drop me. She held me up like I was a goddamn sock puppet, with my vision going black and my head rolling back and forth, my voice screaming…in such pain…I could hardly stand it.

_This's why Banri used to run off all the time…when shit got tough… He didn't wanna' be some bitch's sock puppet._

What an ass.

Me though. I'd known from the beginning that he was right, and I had always known it—getting out while you were ahead was the only thing you could do to save yourself-so why didn't I this time?

Right then, reasons were blurry, but I still sort of remembered. Something about what Hu said… Something about not running from the people who got me.

_I'm such an idiot._

There were voices ringing through my head, ghost voices echoing in the trees and the rain. Familiar voices.

I hit the ground, heavy. I saw mud and grass and a worm. I felt my blood spilling out of me.

Sanzo's gun went off a few times. I heard him snarling, "Back off!"

Someone was screaming my name, hysterically.

People were kneeling around me. I heard Lei's voice and felt her hand on my shoulder. I heard Hakkai too. He was the one screaming, I think.

_Gojyo…you idiot…_

_ Why did I do this?_

Did I have some kind of death wish?

No. it was because of something else, and even if I couldn't really remember what that was right now, I knew it was worth it.

I choked up a laugh. Blood gushed down my chin and over my cheeks.

When that old fart Hu told me not to run from the only people who got me, he wasn't talking about Lei and the others.

_…I can't believe how long it took you to figure that out…_

It didn't matter now. I _did_ figure it out, and I didn't care how long it had taken me, all I cared about was what was happening to me right here, right now, and I knew I couldn't just give up. I couldn't lay down and die over this shit—not after everything I went through.

Jade was still standing over me, gloating. It sounded like she was talking to the guys.

"…Face it. Removing your limiter is the only way to save him now…"

_Can't let that happen._

"…he's going to bleed to death right in front of you anyway…"

"No way!" Goku screamed. "We ain't gonna' let that happen!"

I heard Sanzo growling, "You've been in my way long enough, and now I'm going to kill you." I heard his gun cock.

There was no way I was letting them finish what I'd started though. No way in hell.

Pushing away every thought of pain and exhaustion, cold and fear, I shoved myself up onto my hands and knees, spitting up blood, clutching handfuls of wet grass to ground myself to reality, heaving ragged breaths. Blood was spilling out of me like I was a goddamn fountain.

"Gojyo!" Lei screamed, clinging to me, "Don't try to get up!"

I shoved her off, roughly, knocked her away, and forced myself to stand, knees buckling and threatening to give out, pain searing through every fiber of my body.

"I already told you pricks…this's _my_ fight…" I panted.

Everything in the clearing was quiet. Jade was staring at me with hate and rage, but I could tell how shocked and bothered she was too.

Finally, Sanzo answered me, "Who gives a fuck what you want, asshole? You got beat, so you might as well-"

"Not yet. I don't get beat…anymore… You gotta' kill me. That's the only way I'll ever quit. This's _my_ fucking fight."

No one moved. Jade was smiling again. "If that's what it takes to get you out of the way, then so be it."

"Bring it on, bitch."

My mouth said the words, but I wasn't sure I could actually keep standing, let alone fight. My vision was shaky and blurry. I knew I wasn't making it out of this alive. Oh well. I'd give her hell before I went.

Hakkai grabbed me suddenly, looped my arm over his neck, hand burning on my wrist, and shoved his shoulder under my armpit, holding me up. His chi was going wilder than ever, and I could feel him shaking. "Sanzo's right. No one here really cares what you think."

I kept my eyes leveled on Jade, laughing to myself about how angry she looked. She'd done her damn best to tear us apart, and she'd failed miserably.

"Just don't take your damn limiters off."

"I'm not going to."

"Really?"

"I promise."

"'Kay." I sighed, and more blood sputtered from my lips and dripped off my jaw, but I cracked a grin anyway, "Guess you can help out… a little…"

**Hakkai**

_**If anybody's gonna' die…it's probably gonna' be me…  
…it was a stupid thing to say"  
"Not to mention foundless."  
…That too. I'm never gonna' die."  
"…you'd better not."  
"I won't. I won't."  
I won't.**_

Foolish promises…promises you can't even keep… Everything you say is so flippant and careless—do you even think before you speak?

My heart was pounding like the drumming rain around me, and I was breathing hard and fast, trembling all over from the inside out, because I was deathly afraid. I was afraid that that stupid, foundless, morbid thing Gojyo had said was actually going to come true now, because I could literally feel him getting weaker, slipping away beside me, with every passing second. I was afraid that Jade was going to succeed and somehow turn me against my companions and kill Sanzo, as she'd sworn to. Most of all though, I was afraid of the terrible wildness of the beast inside me, lashing and struggling to get out with more desperation than ever before. I could feel myself losing focus with every given second, giving in and fading away, Cho Hakkai vanishing into the rain, reverting back to something primal and vicious and vengeful, and that feeling was terrifying.

_Gojyo… God damn it, Gojyo…_

I so wanted to kill her. I would do anything to destroy this woman now. Anything.

Yes… Anything. I touched my limiters. They were surprisingly hot in the ice-cold rain. If I removed them, all that strength and power and superiority would take over me, fill my body, blow out my weakness and my hesitation, and I'd rip her apart as easily as shredding a piece of paper. I'd destroy her. She'd get more than she bargained for, assuming I took the limiters off, because although she thought that killing my friends was going to make me turn to her and my own insanity, she was wrong. Insanity, perhaps, but I was going to kill her first, even if it was the last thing I did.

_No. No. Wait a moment. I can't do that._

Still, I wasn't sure I'd be good enough unless I did. I was too weary and afraid and altogether weak to accomplish very much of anything.

Next to me, Gojyo was sucking in ragged breath upon ragged breath, as if he were in a race to reach the very last one.

I heard Goku shifting on the wet ground, ready for the fight.

The metallic rattle of Sanzo's gun was barely audible under the downpour.

I kept my eyes on Jade, gritted my teeth, and attempted to steel myself for the impending battle. I knew I had to do this with my limiters on. How strange—for the longest time, that had merely been reality, to exist as a youkai, wearing limiters, confined to the powers of a slightly more than average human, and now I was concerned that I wouldn't be strong enough unless I removed them.

I suppose that meant she had really gotten her hold on me, at some point.

She looked me straight in the eyes, grinning toothily and mercilessly, but she was panting furiously, and she was covered in blood. "You know…the sooner you defeat me… the sooner you can heal him." She was barely concealing her own agony now, and I guessed that he'd caused her more damage than I could see. It was likely much more damage than she'd expected to incur from fighting with him. She'd underestimated, and I knew what a mistake that could be.

What she said was true enough though. I knew she wasn't going to give me the opportunity to close his wounds right now, and they were very serious. I'd have to kill her first if I wanted to save him, and I'd have to do it quickly, because if we fought for too long, I'd be too late regardless. He'd apparently reached into that absurdly deep reservoir of strength I knew he had in order to stand up again, but truth be told, I didn't know how deep that tenacity ran. I'd seen it in action numerous times, and it alone had gotten both of us through many a bloody, violent thing, but I felt that he'd been running on tenacity alone for days and days and days now, and I knew it had to be wearing thin.

But, if I killed Jade, all of that would be over. We could all rest easier knowing she was gone. Gojyo could finally begin to recover from the wounds that had been dealt him what now felt like years ago.

If only it could be that simple.

The one thing I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt was that I was not prepared to let him go. Not by any means.

All of us stood a moment longer in the silence.

Jade sprang away suddenly, vanishing, and not a split second later, Sanzo fired his gun four times. If she'd been there even half a moment longer, he would have hit her.

Goku leapt after her also, swinging his bo and shouting. I watched him go head to head with Jade, keeping up with her easily. She managed to dodge and block his attacks, but only barely.

Sanzo stood next to me and grumbled, "Dumb ass fucked her up pretty good before she tore him open."

"That's fortunate, I suppose; I don't know about you, Sanzo, but I'm still not feeling entirely well after last night's battle."

"Goku's the only one who's at one hundred percent." He agreed. "And something tells me it's going to take everything we've got to kill this bitch."

Goku swung at Jade's head, almost knocking her block off.

"She's inexplicably powerful. Not to mention utterly insane."

"Not berserk though."

"You're right. Her insanity doesn't quite match up with the behavior of the berserk youkai we've encountered. I have no idea where she came from or who she is or how she got to be so strong."

"I don't care to know." He snorted, through a thick cloud of cigarette smoke. "Let's just get rid of her."

"I agree." I answered faintly.

Gojyo moaned and grumbled, "Would you guys quit with the filler? I want that bitch dead before I bleed to death."

Jade and Goku had reached a stand-still, circling around and around each other now, holding their respective weapons in hand.

Sanzo threw his cigarette down and marched toward them, gun at the ready.

Reluctantly, I looked at Gojyo. Already I was covered in his blood—it was smeared all over my hands and staining my clothes—it was drizzling down his chin and his jaw, over the bridge of his nose and his eyebrows, spattering his jacket, coating his entire torso. His eyes were barely open, but they were hard as garnets and glinting with rage.

I wondered for the one millionth time in the last two minutes why I had allowed him to do what he did.

And I reminded myself, for well over the millionth time, that not even I could control Gojyo's behavior. I never had been able to.

"Do you honestly feel that you can fight in this condition?"

"No choice." He heaved. "That's my kill."

Sanzo's gun was echoing all around us, earsplittingly loud.

"One might argue that you had your chance at killing her and lost it."

He didn't answer. Maybe he knew I was right.

"One of us deserves to kill her." I added, very softly, "But maybe it's just not meant to be you."

"Do you think you can _handle_ killing her?"

"I think I'm strong enough to-"

"Not that. Do you think you can hack it when she's all up in your guts?"

I frowned at the crass terminology, "Yes, of course." I watched a moment as Sanzo and Goku went on attacking Jade, but she was still in fighting shape, and I wasn't sure I was telling him the truth, now with the psychotic feeling inside me, burning through my heart and reason. If I fought her, if I hurt her, it could very well reopen wounds I'd been dealing with for the last four years. Still, I had to risk that, didn't I? "Perhaps while we have a moment, I should close your wounds, and then at least you won't die of blood loss after you pass out from exhaustion."

Gojyo grumbled something, but I ignored him, turned to lay my hand over the wound that she'd torn through his side, and just the sight of it—ragged and bleeding and violent—made me feel sick to my stomach.

I had just summoned the necessary chi to close the wound when I heard Sanzo shouting, "Hakkai! Watch it!"

I looked up to see Jade bounding at me. She kicked me in the head, and I flew back, landing roughly. Quickly, I scrambled, sitting up and trying to get my bearings, but she was already standing in my way, and I had never seen such a hideous smile on anyone's face, "Ah-ah, darling. I don't think so. There will be no healing…this time."

"How dare you?" I was literally shaking with rage as I got to my feet, spitting a little.

"Bitch!" Gojyo swung at her.

She ducked and spun around, nearly taking his head off.

He managed to dodge, but stumbled in the process, staggered back. He had his shakujou again, going at her, more slowly now, but with as much ferocity and determination as before.

I didn't give a damn about his ferocity _or_ his determination. I was not going to let this nonsense go on.

With a shout, I sprang on her, blasting a shimmering clump of chi at her, and it sizzled through the rain.

Jade danced away, letting it breeze by, and came at me again, claws ready. "You may as well join me, love."

"Why in the world would I do that?"

We exchanged blow for blow, swinging at each other, dodging here, ducking there. I felt her claws scrape past the tip of my nose.

She coughed as she began to speak, spitting up some blood. "Because…as I said in the beginning, you can't defeat me without removing your limiter, and if you do _that_, you might as well just give in. I don't think you can handle taking it off again."

Even now, I could feel the overwhelming urge to run wild sweltering inside me. The smell of blood was heavy on the rain, potent and inviting, and the limiter was all I had to hold me to my sanity. If I removed it…

I knew I'd be able to kill her that much more quickly, and then I could get back to closing Gojyo's wounds before he bled to death.

Goku sprang in next to me, smacked Jade across the face with his bo, and she fell back with a pained shout, "Shut up! He's not gonna' do that!"

Even as he spoke, I was fingering my limiters once more.

_Think clearly, Hakkai. If I lose it, everything Gojyo's done for you since this nonsense began _will_ be for nothing, just as he said it would be._

But…it could be the only way to save him now. Unless I closed his wounds soon, I had little hope that he'd survive this.

"This is what's you've always wanted." I said bitterly, "To have me go wild with you and finish off my own team mates."

"Don't sound so angry, my love." Jade was standing up straight again, smiling and wiping blood off her lips. I saw that she was missing a long, sharp fang. "When you take it off, it will be final—_he's_ not going to call you back this time, I'll make sure of that—and then you'll find that these things that disturb you so much in your human form will seem trite when you're free. Then, when the Sanzo is dead, we can go together and rule all, as far as the eye can see."

"To what end?" Sanzo demanded, appearing behind her.

Three shots rang out, and Jade had to go darting and springing away to avoid being hit. Her movements looked sluggish.

Sanzo's face was stone-cold as he spoke, "Even if your twisted, little plan works out, and he loses his mind, and you kill me, you won't get to rule _shit_, you little bitch. If I die, the mission fails. When Gyumaoh is revived, do you think he'll let you rule anything at all?"

"I don't care about Gyumaoh. I don't answer to Kougaiji, and I don't answer to _him._" She tossed her hair and leapt at Sanzo next. He barely blocked her claws, and I saw a bright gush of his human blood, the sweet scent of it alluring me that much more, and I snarled, barely stopped myself from jumping on him as well.

_If I remove it…all of my thoughts and priorities and sentiments will change; the blood on the ground will entice my thirst, I'm sure, driving me to do something I'll never be able to forgive myself for._

Clearly Jade had planned it that way; she'd spilled a lot of blood, but she hadn't killed Gojyo. I assumed that was why she'd been targeting him all along.

"She's crazy strong." Goku whispered, standing shoulder to shoulder with me.

"Yes, and I'm afraid she's kicking us while we're down."

He nodded.

He was the only one who wasn't still at least partially injured from last night—my own injuries I'd incurred from fighting Ryptcore and Goku were burning inexhaustibly—even so, I knew Goku was just as demoralized and unsure as the rest of us. If the events of these last few weeks hadn't been enough to wear us all down, emotionally, watching Jade nearly kill Gojyo definitely was.

"All this crap just ta' kill Sanzo. Yeah?"

"I'm afraid so. It was necessary though. She never could have killed him if she'd had to fight all four of us together, not while we were in top condition. She must have seen how strong we were when we fought her clan and realized that the only way she could exact revenge would be by weakening us, little by little."

And she'd done so flawlessly. She'd gotten close to us, gained barely enough trust to be tolerated, and began to pick away at the strings of my sanity. For all I knew, everything she'd done since the first time she kissed me was for the cause, so that one day, we could all stand inside this moment, wondering if I was going to go berserk and help her kill Sanzo.

How disturbing. To think that I'd been little more than a tool all along… To think that she'd used Gojyo against me. It was enraging.

Enough so that I went flying back into the fray, all the more ruthlessly, all the more determined; I hit her hard, and we grappled, bouncing head over heels across the ground, vying for the upper hand, scraping at each other and snarling and cursing.

"I will kill you for what you've done." I hissed, pinning her against the wet forest floor.

Jade kicked me off. She lunged at me with her claws. I felt their very tips cut through my clothes, like the touch of the icy wind, and into my chest. "All I've done is try to help you. Wouldn't it be nice to be free of your inhibitions? Yours is a heart full of pain—don't you want to be free of your heart?"

_My heart…_

What was it he'd said?

"…_that bitch thinks she knows you, 'Kai, but she doesn't…"_

I…_I was human. Once._

"…_you're still human on the inside, so listen to your heart instead of your instincts. How hard can that be?"_

_You have no idea._

But everything did sound so much simpler when he said it.

Jade reached out and touched my ear.

I slapped her hand away and swung at her face again. I busted her across the nose and blood sprayed. She was wearing down, slowly but surely. The wounds Gojyo had given her were severe, and she couldn't keep this up forever. And I didn't have time to wait for her to give out, and she knew that. My options were limited.

"Nothing is worth _that_ to me." I told her, as she attacked again. "And you've made a grievous mistake today, Jade."

"Is that so?" She jumped forward and tried to drag me down.

I elbowed her in the mouth, sending her sprawling on the ground.

"I warned you not to touch him. I told you I would make you suffer."

"I'm waiting." A slow smile stretched across her lips, "My... What a terrifying face you have, even in human form."

I readied myself, "It will be the last thing you ever see."

Her smile wasn't even remotely diminished.

I rushed her, and in that moment, I wanted nothing more than to see her dead.

Gojyo ran up alongside me, and we attacked together, hit her at the same time. Jade snarled and came back at us, all teeth and claws, but we fought, and for a moment or two, it felt very familiar, fighting side by side like that, playing off one another's moves, attacking and feinting almost in sync. It made me feel good and strong, and I desperately wanted that feeling to last. For an instant, I even dared to think we had her on the ropes.

He smacked her in the face with the shaft of his weapon, and she flew back.

I started to follow her, but Gojyo fell to his knees suddenly, body heaving and shuddering with effort, and he was bleeding worse than ever.

Sanzo and Goku went after Jade, for the time being, and I hesitated next to him, "How long can you keep this up?"

Gojyo shook his head, breathing too hard to answer. He was holding the wound in his side, and blood was oozing through his fingers, thick even in the rain.

Somewhat alarmed, I said, "You should just stop. You're going to kill yourself at this rate."

"If I go down…'m takin' that bitch with me."

"What for? Don't you realize that will just defeat the purpose of killing her in the first place?"

"Maybe not."

I glared at him, "My sanity is stretched too thin right now to watch you die."

"There aint a lotta' ways ta' get you through this sane anyway." He wheezed. "Right?"

I didn't answer. I was afraid that he could be right, because with my rage, the wildness was building too.

Sanzo's gunfire was ringing in the air again, and Goku let loose a battle cry. They were beating her now, pretty soundly, and I thought it might be best to stand off to the side and allow them to finish her, although…in a way, that felt a bit like being beaten as well. If they were the ones to kill her after all she'd put us through, how weak would that make us. Was it worth it though? To lose myself, or even worse, to lose him?

No. I was determined to stand there and let Goku and Sanzo finish this. The fight was making me feel far too violent, and I didn't want to start enjoying the bloodshed. I wanted a few moments of peace and quiet. That's all I had wanted for days, it seemed.

"Gojyo." I said quietly. "You know how much I hate to lose."

"I don't hate losin'. I'm used to it."

It was a lie, in part at least, but I didn't argue. "It isn't _worth_ it this time though, can't you see that? She knew what she was doing all along. She did it spectacularly."

"I knew what she was doin' all along too."

"Oh, come now. You know I don't believe that."

He laughed. It sounded very painful, and my heart seized up. "Well, I kinda' _guessed_ an'way. You were too busy being nuts ta' notice."

"I suppose that's true. I regret that I allowed this to happen. I'm sorry."  
"I'm so fuckin' sick of hearing that word." He snorted.

"I know. You must admit it this time though, I think—there's no sense in being so stubborn—it simply isn't worth it to carry on like this."

He didn't answer.

"Don't you agree?"

I looked at him. His head was hung, tiredly, but he was watching the three of them fight with keen, unflinching eyes.

"Maybe." He said, almost inaudibly.

"You want to keep fighting because you don't want to lose me—I understand that—but I don't want to lose you either. Maybe _you_ don't understand _that_. I'd sooner be parted from my right arm."

He stood up suddenly, groaning as he did so, "I _do_ understand, jackass. I ain't dumb."

"Yes, I know, but…what I'm asking is… You've done a lot for me in the last couple of weeks…and now, this is the last thing I'll ask of you, and then I promise you, I'll never ask you for another favor as long as we live. Just give this up, and don't get killed over it."

Gojyo didn't look at me, but he heaved a breathy sigh, and his shoulders slumped. For another moment or two, he watched the fight, and then, finally, very slowly, he released his shakujou, and it disappeared. "Fine. Have it your way. I'm fuckin' tired anyway…so fuckin' tired…"

"I know." I tried to smile, but I didn't like giving up any more than he did.

Sanzo and Goku went on attacking Jade, viciously, relentless. She was worn down and bloodier than ever, but she kept fighting. It looked like they could finish her off at any given moment. Through the fray though, amidst the whirlwind of blows and kicks and strikes and shots, she suddenly fixed her eyes on me, a dark and viciously possessive look that made my heartbeat come to a sudden stop, and I breathed lowly, "Who in the world is that woman?"

"She's the fuckin' devil, dude."

Then, just like that, Jade vanished, the same way she had earlier, when she was fighting Gojyo.

Sanzo and Goku halted in their tracks, instants before they would have struck each other by mistake, and they looked around. Goku all but shouting, "Where the heck'd she go?"

Everyone was silent.  
Perhaps she'd known that she was going to lose and she'd fled.

Holding my breath, I waited, and still Jade did not appear.

"'The fuck?" Gojyo hissed, moving a step or two closer to me.

I was about to suggest my theory of her fleeing for her life, when she reappeared, right in front of us, so suddenly, I didn't even have a spare moment to shout. I caught but a glimpse of her green eyes, and then she was attacking.

She struck us both in the same instance. I felt her claws saw deeply across my arm and shoulder, creating a sharp pain throughout the entire left side of my body, and then I was flying back, the forest around me a blur of muted green and dismal gray. I hit the ground hard and bounced once, wind knocked out of me, head spinning.

Beside me, Gojyo screamed, his voice splitting even through the heavy, ominous sounds of the storm, and he writhed on the grass. To me it sounded like he'd been holding that scream back for a very, very long time, and had finally decided he couldn't bear to keep inside anymore.

I choked and sputtered, fighting to breathed, as Jade came and stood over me, and there was nothing I could do but stare up at her unfeeling, cruel smile. "Tell me, my love. I'm curious. Are you going to cry when he dies?"

I coughed.

"Make no mistake, I _am_ going to kill him. Even if that means the death of me and it's the last thing I do. I'm going to kill him, and I'm going to kill the others as well, and there's no way for you to stop me, short of removing your limiters, which you refuse to do, for some reason."

Still, I couldn't breathe. I could barely move.

Next to me, Gojyo was still writhing and screaming from the pain, the agonized gasps as close to sobbing as I'd ever heard from him, and I wondered, vaguely, what in the world she'd done, but I didn't think it would have to be very much. At this point, it would hardly take anything to break him into pieces.

Jade held out her sword. "It'll be easy. After all, it was easy enough to destroy him—all I had to do was exploit his feelings toward you."

"That's indescribably sick." I managed to husk.

"Is it? Well, I think it's been just as easy to exploit _your_ feelings, Cho Hakkai, although, that's not much of a surprise. I know you were human once—the Sanzo said so." She considered me with her heartless eyes, "Now say goodbye to him, before my moment of mercy passes."

For what felt like forever, I laid there looking up at her, and I wasn't even sure that was anything Sanzo and Goku could do now. They were a good distance away, and although they were quick, I just wasn't certain they'd reach us in time. Slowly, I turned onto my side to look at Gojyo.

He was curled almost in the fetal position, facing me, clutching his stomach, and there was more blood on him than ever. His eyes were half-shut and hazy from pain, mouth fixed in a tired wince.

"Goj…" I murmured.

He just blinked and looked at me like he barely knew who I was, and I realized he was on the verge of unconsciousness. Jade was just a few merciful seconds from severing his head, and when she did, I was going to take my limiter off and kill her, and I didn't care if that meant I went insane.

Then something else swelled inside me. I sat up a little, leaned forward to grasp his shoulder, very close to losing my composure, "Forget what I said a moment ago, about quitting." I whispered desperately.

Jade laughed at me, "You're wasting your breath, my love. He has no choice but to quit now."

"You were right, Goj…" I lowered my voice even more. "We have to fight…even if that means losing. At least if we lose, it means we'll lose together, doesn't it? I wouldn't mind that terribly…losing side by side with you."

"Ridiculous." Jade snorted.

But Gojyo smiled slightly. He closed his eyes.

My heart skipped a beat and my breath hitched, "Gojyo?"

"That's enough now." Jade said heartlessly, her sword hovering over his neck, "You wasted your last words to him, and there will be no goodbyes for you."

"Wait!" I shouted. I would have begged if I had the chance.

A gunshot rang out. A cloud of red exploded from Jade's shoulder, and she screamed, nearly dropping her sword as she stumbled forward.

Gojyo sprang up, even though I'm sure, at that point, so much as blinking would have hurt beyond belief, and he held out his hand to me, even with blood running and dripping off it. "We're not losin', Hakkai." He yanked me to my feet.

By that time, Jade was recovering, coming at us with the sword cocked back, blood spraying from her shoulder. She shrieked, "I'll kill you both!"

"Might as well." Gojyo laughed. "There's no takin' us apart."

"Under no circumstances." I added.

Jade swung.

Gojyo managed to sidestep the blade, planted a heavy boot right in her ribs.

She gagged and fell back, holding her stomach and vomiting. Her eyes flashed and she came forward again.

I tore into her, and I didn't care if she made me think of Kanan or if she awakened feelings I'd long thought were lost to loneliness forever. I had to consider what was here, now, in front of me in this instant, not what I'd lost in the past. I punched her in the face, and then in the chest, grabbed her arm and swung her around. She flew and bounced off a tree.

We both dashed after her.

"Whatever happens." He huffed, "Don't you dare take off your fuckin' limiter."

"I'm not going to. I promise."

"I mean it, man. Even if I die, you better not-"  
"I said I promise!" I cried.

"Good. Now let's fuckin' finish this. For Deshi." With a quick strobe of light, he had his shakujou in hand again. Blood was pouring off him, pooling where he stepped, but his eyes were bright as fire, looking almost orange in the dim, gray atmosphere. It looked as if he could fall at any given second, but he shouted and lunged at her.

Jade leapt forward to meet us.

My heart began to race, because I knew this was it. Someone was going to die—her or us—and that would be the end, at last, of this nightmare.

They clashed, red against green, steel meeting steel as her sword gnashed against his shakujou, "You don't know when to quit." She grated out.

"I've _never_ known how ta' do that."

Jade seemed furious at that, and she was forcing him back, in spite of her wounds and the blood dripping from her shoulder and the pain in her own visage.

Gojyo looked as if the slightest gust of wind could knock him over, but he stood firm, and I was impressed with him all over again, just as much as I'd ever been; then, all my emotions were suddenly overlapped—the fear, the guilt, the worry, the sadness, the longing, the shame, all of it enveloped in rage and hate, and I let myself draw from those feelings, allowing them to swell through me and manifest outside my body, and the chi born out of those dark emotions crackled on my hands. Yet, there was more to that energy as well: something desperate and graceful and noble. I hated Jade, and I was not going to let her win this, but not purely out of my hate and anguish, but out of something very opposite to that.

"This ends now!" I shouted, heaving the chi blast forward, and it flared brightly, evaporating the rain all around us.

Gojyo was laughing like a madman, rain and blood making his hair hang heavily. He dove out of the way at the last second, "Die bitch!"

My attack struck, engulfing Jade in my hate, rage, desperation and love. It tore through her chest, leaving a dark, smoking hole; her mouth, her eyes, gaped, hands fluttering at the wound, frantically, sword clattering on the ground.

Gojyo slung his shakujou at her, and the sickle struck but a second later, severing through her, cutting her arms off at the mid forearm, slicing her torso apart, just below the ribcage.

Her ragged scream rang through the sky, and she was suspended there, blood and demonic light spraying all around her. She hit the ground, bounced once, pieces of her body scattering around her, and she writhed, screaming and choking and cursing.

Gojyo and I moved forward at the same time to stand over her.

She was staring up at us with those green eyes, which were now very, very dull, and not a bit like Kanan's, "Wh-why…Cho…Hak-?"

"Because I hate you." I said so darkly, it almost frightened me.

"O-over…this...abomination…?"

"I warned you it would be so."

"I can hardly…b-believe it…"

"You'd better." Gojyo snorted. He sputtered and almost fell over. His shakujou vanished, and then he lifted his boot. "You dumb bitch." With a sickening snap, he brought his heel down on her sternum.

Jade's eyes and mouth opened wide and she let out a final, rattling breath, and then she was dead.

We were silent.

Gojyo lit a cigarette and hooked his arm over my neck, practically hanging off me. "Sonnova' bitch…"

Goku, Sanzo and Lei joined us, gathering around the body. Sanzo seemed bored and disinterested now, but Lei's expression betrayed horror and disgust, and Goku looked nervous and curious. He nudged the body with his bo, "Is…isit really over?" He glanced around, as if more enemies were going to come out of the rain.

"Hn. At this rate, we can make the next town before nightfall."

"The rain's stopping as well." I said quietly.

"An' we can stop for dinner, yeah?"

They started that age-old discussion, and I turned to Gojyo, "Well, you got what you wanted, against everything that even remotely resembles sense and self-preservation…"

He didn't answer me; his skin was almost white and his body was shuddering from effort, but I heart him emit a low laugh.

"Do you think you'll last to the next town?"

"Dunno' dude…now that it's over…I feel…totally wiped out."

"You never cease to surprise me. You made me think you were finished two or three different times."

He didn't seem to hear me, "Ya' didn't hafta' take your limiter off after all, huh?"

"Well no. I told you I wouldn't. Remember? I promised."

"It's about time. I thought we'd hafta' deal with her forever." His eyes were glazing over now, and he was staring into the distance like he was in a dream.

Concerned, I watched him. "Yes, well…I think her psychological threat was what made her a dangerous enemy. I suppose if we'd all been given the opportunity to fight her when we were at our best, she wouldn't have proven so tough. Which reminds me." I turned to Goku and Sanzo, "You two seemed to drop out of the fight completely near the end."

"It was your mess." Sanzo snorted, unforgivingly. "I thought you should clean it up."

"I thought that might be the reason. At any rate, I think-"

Gojyo let go of me and broke away from us suddenly, striding in an unsteady, clumsy manner over to Jeep, who was sitting just a few yards away now, waiting patiently. "Think I'll go die in the back seat."

"We should move out." Sanzo decided suddenly, and he too turned away. The rest of us followed, and as we went, I was feeling sick again. Gojyo had left a thick, bloody trail behind him, and in the Jeep, more blood was pooling around him dark and pungent, dripping off the seats and running across the floor. He was sitting upright, head tilted back, eyes closed, and the cigarette hanging from his mouth had gone out. There wasn't so much as a crease in his brow, lips not even quirking with pain, and there was but one lock of hair misplaced, draping across the bridge of his nose. It was the same appearance of peace and oblivion he used to take on while sleeping on the couch back home, after a night of heavy drinking. It was the same tranquility that always seemed to take him after the chaos, as if he meant to shut everything out.

A little frantically, I climbed in after him, "Hey." I shook his shoulder, "Gojyo?"

There was no response, and I searched for his pulse, finding it weak and unsteady. His skin seemed cold. The touch of it raised the hair on the back of my neck.

Goku climbed in next to me, "Is he okay?"

"No. I don't think so. No."

"But…he was movin' around an' stuff…"

"He shouldn't have been. Gojyo. Can you hear me?"

He stayed motionless, his blood unspeakably gruesome to me, and a great shaking started within me, as if something were going to crack.

He must have tapped the very last well of his strength… I'd seen him do such things before, because, even though he didn't have latent power like Goku and I, and he wasn't a natural-born killer like Sanzo, his tenacity was his strength, and there had been plenty of times in the past, moments when I'd thought he couldn't stand up on his own, and then he'd not only done it, but practically carried me all the way home as well. Apparently, he'd reached deep inside and found that last pool of physical strength, perhaps driven by his own rage and desperation, and he'd expended it down to the last drop. And now…

This was what I'd been afraid of all along, that if the fight wore on long enough, it wouldn't matter when I finally got my chance to heal him. That he would have already lost too much blood, that he'd be beyond saving. That Jade would succeed in killing him, even if she didn't really get what she wanted. Even if she was dead. Maybe, if he hadn't been such a thoughtless idiot, and he'd stayed out of the fight after we stepped in, he could have held out longer, but I knew better to actually think that. He shouldn't have been fighting her at all to begin with, because it had been a very long time since he'd truly been all right, and I had let this all happen to him, out of my own negligence and selfishness and fear.

"Perhaps we really should have gone back east." I muttered, automatically.

He'd all but begged me to forsake this mission and go home, but I didn't listen.

"Maybe if I had…he'd be…"

I felt the others watching me without a word, but I couldn't pay them any mind.

Nothing they thought was important. Nothing they could say would make me feel any better, and nothing could possibly make me feel worse. If he was going to die now, all I wanted was to somehow lie down and die next to him.

_Because I don't think I can go on without you. Does that make me pathetic?_

No, I would make it. I'd made it through Kanan's death, and I knew I could make it through Gojyo's.

"He's not dead yet…" I murmured. I stripped what was left of his coat off and set to healing as much as I could, but it didn't take long for me to see what a futile endeavor it was. The wounds were too numerous, and far too deep. Jade had carved right through him in two separate areas, impaled him on her blade, right through the stomach, and there was nothing I could do to fix that. I did manage to close a few incisions, but they were mere scratches compared to the deep, violent slashes that seemed to be everywhere, so closing them did very little good for either of us.

"Don't." I said under my breath. "Don't do this. Please, please don't do this to me."

I refused to give in though. I had to do what I could. I couldn't let him die.

The others watched without a word, and the rain continued to fall.

At some point during the healing process, Gojyo seemed to regain consciousness—perhaps the sensation of my energy flowing into him brought him around—he shuddered and moaned and tossed his head as if he were waking up from a nightmare, and then he opened his eyes and looked right at me. They were glassy from pain and delirium. "Hakkai…"

"Hush."

"You…can't do it…"

"I said hush."

He closed his eyes again, and I felt angry, because he was right. I didn't have the strength or the skill to heal such serious wounds, and he'd already been bleeding so long, it might not matter even if I did.

I felt unbelievably weak as I leaned over him, and it was almost as if I could sense him slipping away fading into the nothingness of the rain.

_Rain. How I hate rain…_

"It's no good." I panted, fighting to stay calm. I felt exhausted from giving up so much of my own energy. "He's bleeding too much, and he's already lost a lot of blood. I can't do enough."

No one spoke.

What could I do? It seemed to be a hopeless situation—it seemed like I would lose him.

_No. Not after everything we've been through. I'm not going to lose him that easily._

I stood up again suddenly, "Goku. Lei. Find anything you might be able to function as a tourniquet and stop the bleeding the best you can. Sanzo, there's a town near here, but it's a bit off course."

"Off course?" He scowled. "How far off course?"

"I don't know, and I don't have time to look at the map to find out. However, if you'd rather not take the time to accompany us, I understand. If you feel so inclined, you may begin walking westward, and the three of us will catch up."

"The three of you? You think he's going to survive, Hakkai?"

"He has a long lifeline." I climbed over the front seat and sat down behind the wheel.

"Lifelines don't mean shit in the face of fate."

"You're more than welcome to believe that—I don't have time to argue the point—but I believe traditional medicine can save him, so I'm going to the closest town, though I regret it does happen to be a bit off course, and I'm going to find a doctor, and when he wakes up tomorrow, the three of us will meet you on the road to the west." I started the engine.

"Wait." Sanzo said darkly.

"As I said, I don't have time to wait, or to argue. If you're not coming with us-"

"I _am_ going with you, you sensitive, little bastard. Just wait." He threw his cigarette down and climbed in. I heard him mumble, "I hate that mouthy son-of-a-bitch. I hate him so much." And despite the circumstances, I smiled, grimly, at his insincerity.

The second he was seated, we were off.


	30. Chapter 30

**Bear with me. Just trying to wrap this up neatly. =)**

**Sanzo**

_'…if you get yourself killed, I'm dumping you in a shallow grave and moving on…'_

I think that was the last thing I said to him before he went out and got his own entrails handed to him. I wished I could have thought of something more to say after that, and I even regretted that I'd suppressed my sudden urge to take those words back, because now it looked like I might actually have to do that.

We were miles off course, Hakkai's chi was on fire, Goku was freaking out, the girl was in the way, and that selfish bastard was dying. It was possibly the most annoying situation I'd ever experienced.

Hakkai's town was less than an hour's drive south of where we were—never mind that he'd driven like a bat out of hell the whole way—and that stupid, selfish, mouthy dumb ass had actually survived the trip. Sometimes, he was conscious, which was strangely disturbing, because he sat up and made jokes about how much pain he was in, and how much blood he was losing, and how if he ever wanted to get fucked again he'd have to find a necrophiliac, and he talked to all of us like everything was normal, except that the things he said were incoherent and feverish, and mostly he just rambled about nonsense until Hakkai told him to shut the fuck up.

It drove me just about crazy, but it was better than the long, eerie silence we sat through for most of the drive, while he was unconscious. The anxiety around me was almost palpable, and it made me feel even crazier than his idiotic, delirious rambling.

We made it to the town, and we found a doctor, but long before we reached the inn, I noticed that Hakkai's youkai aura had not relaxed, not even a little. In fact, it seemed much, much worse now, like a rubber band about to snap, and from the wildness I could see in his eyes, I guessed that this was the last straw. If dumb ass didn't make it out of this alive, Hakkai was going to go berserk anyway, and Goku and me would be screwed.

Even if Hakkai _didn't_ go berserk, I might be screwed. Going on without stupid, annoying Gojyo shouldn't be hard…but I knew better than to think it wouldn't be. I knew better than to think that his dying would be any less detrimental to our fragile, little team than Hakkai or Goku going berserk would.

When we pulled into town, I didn't feel very relieved. It was a small, shabby village, the houses little better than huts, and there was only one crappy, tiny inn. Everyone we saw looked scared and hungry and dirt poor, like we were supposed to either feed them or end their miserable lives. We checked into the inn, where the grubby, beady-eyed landlord charged us a fortune for one filthy, cramped room furnished with just one bed, a table, and an armchair with tattered upholstery. Hakkai carried Gojyo up the stairs to the room, on his back, and I overheard part of the bizarre, conversation they were having.

"Dude… Think there're any good-lookin' chicks in this town…?"

"I doubt it." Hakkai's words were very terse and his voice was pitched with worry.

"Fuck… What'dya' bring me _here_ for? I don't wanna' die in a place without chicks."

"Precisely why we're here: there's no alcohol, cigarettes or women, meaning it's not a good place for Sha Gojyo to die in at all—so you'd better stay alive."

"Idunno', man… I think…maybe I'm done…"

"Not if I have anything to say about it."

Goku went to get the doctor, Lei went to ask for extra bedding, and I stood to the side of the room, smoking one cigarette after another, trying my best not to look anxious.

_So what if something happens to him? So what?_

So then the mission would be over.

Lei came back and piled the extra blankets and pillows up on the table, but it felt like forever before Goku brought the doctor, a tall, middle-aged man who looked extremely tired. The first thing he told us was that, due to financial strain, his practice was rough, and his tools were limited, but that he'd earned a degree somewhere, so he knew what he was doing, and he'd try his best, even though the wounds were, according to him, 'probably fatal.'

Goku slunk over and practically hid behind me as the doctor went to work. His practice obviously _was_ really rough. I didn't see him using any sedatives or anesthetic, and his scalpels and needles looked about as shabby as the rest of this town. In a matter of minutes, he was up to his elbows in Gojyo's blood, and the kappa must have either been half-asleep, or just totally delirious, because he was fighting and screaming and cursing, and even begging at times.

My stomach was twisted into knots, and I felt Goku clinging to my sleeve.

Hakkai whispered suddenly, fist closed over his mouth, "I apologize, everyone. I'm afraid…I can't handle this…"

Before I could even think to stop him, he'd turned away and made his exit, and I watched him go, totally shocked that he would just walk out on us like that. "Bastard…" There was nothing I could do though. I was frozen in place, and I didn't want to leave Goku to watch this by himself, and I didn't know if Hakkai was going to listen to anything I had to say. I'd sensed his panic rising steadily since we got in the Jeep, along with his youkai energy, and now he might be on the verge of breaking down all together.

Time wore by slowly, and I started to feel like we'd been there forever. The doctor worked and worked until blood was dripping off his hands and sweat was running off his forehead, but he was tireless and determined. Gojyo went through bouts of kicking and screaming, fighting something in his sleep—his strength was really drained, I could see the weakness in his every movement—clutching at the bedding and cursing, and then, after a while, he'd calm down again, or pass out, or whatever, and he'd lie still for the most part, tossing his head back and forth a little more slowly, like he was just having a weird dream.

I tried very hard not to let any of it rattle my composure, smoking cigarette after cigarette and staying still, and for the most part, I was doing a good job of keeping calm, but I couldn't deny that watching him struggle between life and death was a huge strain on me. After everything we'd all been through in the last couple of weeks, it seemed like this had to be the very last thing we could take—the breaking point—and when morale was already so low, and everyone was already so tired, I had sincere doubts about whether or not my team mates would be strong enough to make it through Gojyo's death. I knew I would be okay. I had set myself up to be okay, always being sure I didn't let anything matter that much. I would be fine.

Then I would just have to spend all my free time holding everyone else up and forcing them to keep marching toward India.

I still didn't want to think that idiot dying would make any difference to the journey. I wondered how long I could tell myself that.

"Sanzo…" Goku murmured beside me, nudging at me.

"He's not going to die." I said automatically.

He was quiet. Maybe he didn't believe me, or maybe that wasn't what he was going to ask. I thought it didn't matter what he wanted in the first place.

After a long time, it occurred to me to look at the time, and I realized we'd only been standing there a couple of minutes since Hakkai left.

Across the room, there was more shouting, even more violent than before. I raised my eyes just in time to see Gojyo clock the doctor in the face. After fighting with and around him for so long, I knew a good, strong punch from a weak one, and this strike was definitely weak, but it was enough to have the doctor falling back, fighting to keep upright. He swore and adjusted his glasses, turned to us with an agitated expression and a bleeding nose, "Are both of you going to keep standing over there like this is some kind of quarantine?"

Neither of us answered at first. It took me a moment to realize he was talking to us at all. "What do you expect us to do?" I sneered.

The doctor seemed incredulous at that, "He's your friend, isn't he? I could use a hand."

I barely kept myself from blurting out 'that asshole's not my friend', but he could probably see it on my face anyway.

His expression turned pleading at once, "If you please."

Goku tugged at my sleeve and said smally, "Sanzo…?"

I looked down at him, reluctantly, already knowing what kind of expression _he_ would be wearing.

Just like I'd thought, his golden eyes were huge, innocent and terrified, begging me to do something, without saying a word.

"Dammit." I stomped my cigarette out on the floor and moved to the bedside, angry that I had to be the one to do this. That idiot Hakkai should have been here. He had to go and freak out on us and leave.

_Can you blame him?_

Gojyo looked even worse now in the darkness of the room. He seemed even thinner than usual, like he was going to wither away in front of me, the blood on him looked black. The bandages reeked of antiseptics. The whole situation felt like death.

Beside me, Goku was muttering something, either to me or himself. I didn't have time to worry about what it was he was saying.

"Hold him down." The doctor ordered, getting back to work.

I did it without even thinking about it. The only thing I _could _think was that I was going to get that idiot's blood on my robes. Goku stayed right next to me, but I got the sense he was too freaked out to help. He probably thought Gojyo was going to die.

_I'm not that lucky._

For a second, as I was holding his shoulders in place, the bastard opened his eyes, but they were just slivers of darkness, all the color and life and spirit gone from them. It was a dead man's look, and it made my heart feel cold. I got the urge to smack him, like a good fist in the face was all he needed to snap out of this, and then, suddenly, I couldn't move. I don't know why. It was infuriating, being frozen like that, looking into his dead eyes, feeling his limp body beneath me, with the sight and smell of his blood covering everything within spitting distance. Anger set in, and I wasn't sure where it came from or what to do with it. I think I was angry knowing that someone had done this, on purpose. I was angry that the bitch didn't just kill him quickly and put him out of his misery. It made me angry that he'd done this to himself, in a way, like an idiot, for the team and for Hakkai and for _me_. I didn't ask for that kind of dumb, blind loyalty. What made me the angriest though, was that I had been stupid enough to let this happen, and I had been stupid enough to let it matter, and the ramifications of it all were blindsiding me out of nowhere.

The helplessness came in right after the rage, and it was even worse, knowing there was nothing I could do for him short of putting a bullet in his head and ending his misery, knowing that even that wouldn't fix anything, knowing how impossible it was to do that in the first place, but not because I didn't have the gun or the bullets. Because I just couldn't. Because the day I shot Gojyo and rid myself of his idiocy forever, it was going to be for a damn good reason. It was going to be a justifiable punishment. It was going to be everything the dumb ass deserved.

I couldn't shoot him right now, like a horse with a broken leg. I couldn't save him. It wasn't my responsibility to. I'd purposely tried to surround myself with things I didn't need to look after.

_Stupid. Anything mortal will need to be tended to at some point or another._

As we stared at each other, all I wanted to was to close my eyes and shut this out, but I couldn't do that either. I really couldn't do anything.

After a couple of seconds, I realized he was saying something. I had to lean closer and strain to hear, and I couldn't keep the rage out of my tone, or prevent the helplessness from turning my voice soft as ash, "_What_?"

"…where th' hell's Hakkai…?"

I didn't know how to tell him where Hakkai went or that he'd just walked away like that, because he 'couldn't handle it'.

"Shut up." I hissed instead.

For a while, everything was quiet again. The doctor kept working, and then Gojyo went back to screaming and cursing and kicking, and it was all I could do to hold him down. The exertion seemed like it was making things worse.

_Brilliant, Sanzo._

Gojyo strained against me with what seemed to be all his might, threw his head back and screamed so loud it hurt my ears. Goku grasped at my robe. It was all so unbearable.

_Why am I the one having to do this?_

"Almost through, I promise." The doctor said, as if it made any difference. We'd been here for a lifetime already, so I didn't believe we'd be done any time soon.

Gojyo threw his head forward, suddenly, and this time I saw a dull flash in his eyes. He gripped the front of my robes, albeit, feebly, but with stubbornness and determination. I couldn't help marveling over the fact that he was still alive, let alone conscious. "Sanzo." He grated out. His teeth were clenched and just as bloody as the rest of him, "Where…the _fuck's_…Hakkai?"

I still couldn't say anything to him. What was I supposed to tell him? 'He ran out on you, so get over it'? I didn't understand what difference it made if Hakkai was around or not—he couldn't do anything to help any more than the rest of us could.

_You don't actually think that, and you know it._

Those pervasive thoughts were beginning to really annoy me.

In the end, it made sense that asshole Gojyo would rather have Hakkai with him on his deathbed than me. It's not like we were friends.

_He's _not_ going to die._

I let go of him suddenly, moved away from him just as unconsciously as I'd move to him.  
Goku called after me, "Sanzo, where're ya' goin'? _Sanzo._"

I didn't have time to think about how scared he sounded; Then I was out of the room. I was in the hall. I was going to find that other idiot if it took all night.

I didn't have to look very hard. He was in the hall, sitting a few doors down from us, his head in his hands. His youkai energy was flooding everything, like a rabid monster rattling its cage.

Angrier than ever, I went and stood over him, and now, finally, I had someone to take my frustration out on. "What the fuck are you doing?"

He wouldn't look up at me. "Nothing."

"Yeah, well, that's the problem, isn't it?" I snorted, "You think you can get out of this scott free because you're upset. Why don't you stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your ass back in here?"

That was all it took to make him snap. He shoved the hair out of his eyes and glared up at me, furiously, and in his expression I caught just a glimpse of that monster. "It's not _myself_ I'm feeling bad for!"

"Yes. It is. You're always losing it and acting pathetic any time you feel like something's your fault."

Immediately, he was on his feet, "You can't say that to me, Sanzo! You have no idea!"

"It doesn't matter _who's_ fault it is, Hakkai!" I shouted back at him, "And that bastard doesn't need your pity—it isn't doing him a damn bit of good from all the way out here anyway—so quit this pathetic scene and-"

"Enough! What did you come out here for? To tell me how pathetic I'm being? Or is it to remind me of what a worthless excuse for a friend I've been lately?"

"Stoppit!" I barely stopped myself from punching him. "I am so sick of the way you've been acting—_stop_ being such a martyr and make yourself useful! That asshole is _asking_ for you, and you're sitting out here, moping around like a whiny teenager! You tell _me_ if that makes you a shitty friend or not!"

Hakkai stopped whatever he was about to say and stared at me a moment, and then his voice was a little quieter. "He's…?"

"_Asking for you_. That's what I said. Dammit, Hakkai, maybe it's your fault, maybe it isn't. Who really gives a damn? That stupid bastard walked into a fight he knew he couldn't win because he didn't want you taking your limiter off again. It's _worse_ than pathetic. It's _disgusting_. But the least you could do is come in here and hold him down and tell him everything's going to be okay, even if it's just so _I_ don't have to do it!"

That was all I could take.

Cursing, I turned and punched the wall, hard—as hard as I could really—because I was so tired and everything had been out of my control for so long, and _dammit_, I couldn't keep myself from feeling this way, no matter how much I wanted to. Pain sped up my arm, and I knew I'd bruised my hand pretty bad. My first knuckle was broken open.

Hakkai was staring at me, but he didn't speak.

I began again, spitting every word out, harshly, talking quickly, hoping that if I blurred through the words, he wouldn't be able to make sense of them exactly, and I might be able to just forget them, "Who do you think you are to act like you're the only one this matters to? Where do you get off, thinking you can just run away and make the rest of us deal with it? What about Goku? Don't you think _he's _just as scared as you are right now? Don't you think that stupid monkey needs to see us being strong right now—if Gojyo goes, who's he going to turn to? _Us_, Hakkai. Both of us. What about _Gojyo_, for shit's sake? Why don't you go tell _him _why you just took off? Tell _him_ you can't handle it and see what _he _thinks.

"We're all on a team here, you ingrate, like it or not—I know I _hate_ it—that's the way it is, and you don't get the luxury of just walking out on your team mates because you don't think you can handle it. You think the rest of us like it any more than you do? _Shit_. Hakkai, I don't want that asshole to die either!"

Hakkai's mouth was hanging open, "Sanzo…"

I still wasn't sure it was enough, so I played my trump card, even knowing it was a little bit cruel, "He wouldn't walk out on _you_, would he?"

Hakkai's gaze shifted away from me, slowly, back toward the room, where the screaming had finally settled down. "Not if I begged him to."

"So get your ass back in here." Even my voice was a little quieter now. I didn't know if I'd gotten through to him or not, but if I hadn't, I was going to hit him next.

Gradually, he moved in that direction, and I followed him, but I didn't feel relieved like I should have. I still felt anxious, and I'd probably keep feeling that way until he either died or pulled through.

Gruffly, I added, "In case you need any more incentive, you should try to keep your emotions under control right now—your youkai energy is still on fire."

He barely glanced at me, and we entered the room together.

The smell of death was still clotting the air in the room, but it was quiet at least. Gojyo was lying still with Goku sitting next to him, while the doctor was packing his things. He looked up at us as we came in, and I was fairly certain I knew what he thought of us for leaving so abruptly.

Hakkai drew a sharp breath, "Did he…? I mean, is he…okay?"

The doctor sounded almost confused as he answered, "_Okay_? Well, no, I wouldn't say he's _okay_, precisely. He's alive, if that's what you mean."

Not answering Hakkai went to stand at the side of the bed, staring down at Gojyo.

"It's hard to say if he's going to pull through or not—I'm sorry I don't have better news—unfortunately, I don't have so much as a sedative to help him sleep, so he's just going to have to pull through the night on his own."

"We're grateful for all your help." Hakkai said, like he was in a dream. "Tell me…did he lose too much blood?"

"I don't know. He certainly lost a lot. None of his major arteries were damaged, believe it or not."

"Of course not." His voice was even quieter. I saw him clench his fists, and for a split second, his youkai energy seemed stronger than ever, "She wouldn't have wanted him to die _quickly_, by any means."

The doctor gave him an odd look, glanced around the room at us all, in turn, "Well, he has enough support it looks like—he may make it after all, if he's a fighter. You can't give up hope, boys."

"He'sa' fighter!" Goku blurted suddenly, "He could make it, right? He might not die, yeah?" For some reason, he turned to look at me, "Cockroach, right, Sanzo? Cockroaches….are hard ta' kill…"

"You really…have to stomp hard on them…" Hakkai whispered, looking like he could fall down at any given moment.

The doctor stood up, laying a hand on Goku's shoulder, "You have the right attitude, my boy. I'll be back later, to follow up on this, so in the meantime, don't lose that spirit. Your friend needs all the optimism he can get."

Next, his eyes met mine, and I grumbled, "Let me guess. Your fee?"

"I never accept payment before I've succeeded. We'll see how he's looking tomorrow, and then we'll discuss the fee." He bowed a little, "Good day, sir priest." Then he was on his way.

When he was gone, the three of us were quiet for a long time, and nobody moved. Eventually, Goku leaned over Gojyo and hissed, "Is'e awake?"

Neither of us knew, so neither of us answered.

"You guys think he's gonna' make it?"

"We don't know, Goku." I sighed. "We have to wait and see how he is tomorrow."

The monkey sat there, looking unhappy.

After more silence had endured, Hakkai murmured, "I…could have done more. I apologize. I should have tried harder."

"You did everything you could." I answered, impatiently.

"If I'd been able to heal him…at least we wouldn't be _here…_like _this."_

"But you couldn't. Jade wouldn't let you, and his wounds are too severe."

"Too severe? Yes…I think you're right, Sanzo. If only I were a bit stronger. If only my power didn't have such strict limitations…" He reached up and touched his ear.

My heart seized up immediately, "Don't even think about it, Hakkai."

"Sanzo… Without my limiter, I might be able to help him."

"You _might_ be able to. Or you might just go crazy kill him."

"Perhaps not. This is a fairly docile setting, so I may be able to keep my composure long enough."

"Enough." I snarled, stomping over to grab his wrist, "What did I _just_ tell you about your youkai energy? The last thing you need right now is to take your limiters off, so just get the idea out of your mind, understand?"

Hakkai looked at me, defiantly, "If it's to be my sanity or his life, don't you think-"

"No. I do not. For one thing, you're worth two Gojyo's to me, and if I have to keep going to India with only one of you, I'd much rather it be you. Besides that, he wouldn't want you to do that, especially since he only got this way to keep you from taking your limiters off in the first place. Now for the last time, calm down."

"I owe it to him to at least try."

"You don't owe him_ that_. It's about time you got a hold of yourself, don't you think? Taking your limiter off now will not help Gojyo; the three of us have done everything we can to save him, and now the rest is all on him. The only thing you can do is sit down, shut up and just _be there_ for him, whether he lives or not. Can you accept that, Hakkai?"

"I'm…not sure I can."

"What did I tell you about holding nothing?"

"I'm afraid I'm not much of a Buddhist, Sanzo. I never have been."

"I don't give a shit if you're Buddhist or not. What I'm telling you is that Sha Gojyo might not be here tomorrow, and you've got to be ready to deal with that. After all, it's noble to stand around and say you'd give up your life for his in a second, but it's stupid, because it's impossible. You need to decide right now if you can live without him or not, and you need to decide what kind of quality of life that would be—that's just reality, Hakkai."

His shoulders slumped, "Yes…you're right. I know you're right… I only wish that somehow I could have…."

He trailed away, and Goku spoke up again, stronger this time, "Cut it out, guys! Gojyo's gonna' make it."

I glanced at him. His face was confident, his eyes burning in the dim light, and he looked like he could cry, but it didn't seem like he was going to.

"Goku. What I just said to Hakkai applies to you too."

"No way. I ain't gonna' accept this, 'cause I know _he_ wouldn't. I mean, just lookit this place! It's like ya' said, Hakkai—this ain't the kinda' place he'd wanna' die in!"

Hakkai blinked slowly, like he was waking up, "Well…that is true. This is not a good place for Sha Gojyo to die, at all."

"Yeah! Right, Sanzo?"

I just snorted. I could tell them it didn't make any difference what this place was like, but what was the point?

"Besides! Is Gojyo really gonna' let himself be beat by a _girl_? I don't think so!"

This time, Hakkai went so far as to laugh, "I should think that would be a touch unacceptable. Dying at the hands of a woman is quite a bit different than dying in the arms of a woman."

"See?" Goku turned suddenly, practically shouting in Gojyo's face, "If ya' die 'cause of a chick, I'm gonna' think you're so lame!"

"Now, now, Goku." Hakkai scolded immediately, "Screaming isn't necessary."

Goku looked up at him, a little more desperately, "But he can't die, right? He can't die. It ain't right!"

"I agree wholeheartedly, Goku. If he has any sense of how 'uncool' and selfish this death is, he'll come back to us."

Then they stood there together, Hakkai's hands on Goku's shoulders, and watched, like he was supposed to come to on cue.

I couldn't even find it in myself to be the voice of reason. Idiotically enough, the bullshit they were yammering about made the slightest bit of sense, which was just an indication of how tired and run down I must be.

_People can't help dying_. I reminded myself.

I gave up on the whole scene and resigned to sitting down on the opposite end of the room from them, reading the paper and smoking.

It became one of the longest days I'd ever spent. Time was dragging by at an absurdly slow rate and there was nothing I could do to make it speed up. Every time I looked at the clock on the wall, it seemed like just a couple of minutes had gone by, even though it felt like I'd been sitting there for hours. I wore the newspaper out before long, and then I went through what was almost a full pack of cigarettes and had to open a new one. I sat and drank crappy tea, and didn't move, and tried not to think of anything.

Tension was high. Sometimes the others talked, and sometimes not. When they thought of something to say, it was either a casual, but strained comment about the situation, or it was something that had nothing to do with any of it, like they were trying to pretend it wasn't happening. Occasionally they talked to Lei about her plans, but she didn't act like she wanted to talk to anyone. Every now and then, one of them would lose his composure or his confidence, become anxious and ask the other if he really thought Gojyo would be all right, but for the most part, they reassured each other and didn't bother me with it. There were hours that went by in unperturbed silence, and I almost would have been grateful for it if it weren't for the circumstances, because no matter what I told myself, I was feeling anxious too, and watching them didn't help.

For the better part of the day, they sat side by side on the edge of the bed, not even talking to each other, and the concerned expressions on their faces were about to drive me crazy. Hakkai kept biting his lip until it looked like it was going to start bleeding, and his youkai energy was still blazing. Several times, he rose and walked over to the window, hands locked behind his back, and stared outside for an hour or two at a time. Goku fidgeted almost constantly, even more incapable of sitting still than usual. Every twenty minutes or so, he'd get up and pace around the room—to the window, around the table, where he'd adjust the chair, toward the door, past my chair, along the foot of the bed and back to the window again. He mumbled a little about being hungry, but he wasn't anywhere near as obnoxious as usual, like he didn't really expect anyone to feed him anyway.

When the sun was starting to dip low into the west, and I was staring out at it, uneasily, thinking about the journey ahead, Goku got up and started pacing once again.

"Stop that." Hakkai ordered, sounding much more impatient than usual. "I can't stand it any longer, Goku. Stop that pacing. Please."

"Yeah, but I'm-"

"Your boredom is the least of our concerns at the moment, so sit down and be still."

"I wasn't gonna' say that. I was gonna' say _worried_."

"It hardly matters _why_ you're pacing, it only matters that you're about to drive us all stark, raving mad. So stop."

Hakkai's voice was almost vicious—not a tone he used on Goku often—his face was dark and pensive, and I saw that he was fiddling with his limiter again. Goku slunk over to the table and sat down.

I said, "You had better hold yourself together, Hakkai."

"I think I'm doing a wonderful job, given the circumstances, thank-you."

"Getting snippy with the rest of us won't help him."

"You don't seem to think _anything_ will help. It's a wonder you're here at all."

I didn't feel like fighting with Hakkai over anything right now—Hakkai could be one sharp-tongued son of a bitch when he was agitated, and at the moment, he was beyond agitated—I especially wasn't going to fight with him over something as stupid and frustrating as this. "Just keep it together." I said again, and then I picked up the newspaper once more, started re-reading through sections that hadn't been unbearably boring.

I read until the light was too dim, and then I went over to switch on a lamp.

No one else had moved. Hakkai had his head in his hands, Goku was tipping his chair back and forth, precariously close to falling back in it, and Lei was sitting on the bed, petting Gojyo's hair. The Kappa hadn't so much as twitched in the last three or four hours, and his labored breathing was the only sound in the room.

I sat down again and closed my eyes, falling deeper into thought.

In spite of it all, we'd survive Ryptcore, and Jade, and we'd even had Kougaiji trailing us for days, without incident. I should have felt good about those things—I still had the sutra, the mission was still in motion, and my team mates hadn't gone nuts and run out on me, even though I'd thought they would—I should have been relieved.

But no.

_How did things get this way? Is it my fault somehow?_

Gojyo told me everything was my fault, last night, as we'd watched Hakkai and Goku try to kill each other. He'd thought that Hakkai and Goku fighting was the result of the executive decision I'd made. And maybe he was right, but damn, he had no idea how hard it was to be the leader, and to make those choices, and to know that if I made the wrong choice, everyone paid for it.

_Gojyo, you're just a lazy, good-for-nothing kappa, like I've always said, and I know you don't understand what my role on this team is like. You don't know what a pain in the ass it is._

What a joke. I'd always said I didn't want to be surrounded by things that would need looking after, but being the leader meant making the choices that divided life from death, not just from me, but for them too. Was there something I could have done differently, way back before any of this bullshit with Jade and the DethBreed even got started? A lot of things had gone wrong since Gojyo and I got in that fight in the marketplace, weeks ago now, and maybe there _was_ some key choice in there, made by me, or neglected by me, that had brought us to this point in time.

_It isn't my fault this happened to you though. I already told you, a long time ago, that I don't purposely endanger your life, that if I thought you were too fragile, I wouldn't expect anything from you._

Was that a miscalculation? Did I just overestimate him—was I the first person in the history of his life to actually _over_estimate Sha Gojyo? Being half-human made him a far cry from being as strong as Hakkai or Goku, and that was never going to change. Furthermore, that idiot wasn't a killer. He acted like he was bad ass and tough shit, but that villainy just _wasn't_ there, and the rest of us knew it, like we knew the sky was blue, and we let him go on acting like he was, just like we let him go on thinking he was a lady-killer.

_It was never my place to protect you from your own trauma-produced delusions, you dumb ass. And I didn't ask you to come on this journey with me—you're the last person alive I'd ask to go on a quest with me—and you might have said you did this because you wanted to do me a solid, but I know better. You came on this trip because Hakkai did. If he hadn't, you would have stayed home and played cards and fucked women, like always._

_ So this isn't my fault. I refuse to feel guilty for something that's not my fault._

I considered that fight in the marketplace again. Was it really just a few weeks ago? It felt like years to me. What were we even fighting about? I tried to remember what had gotten me so angry to begin with.

In the end, it was just some stupid comment he'd made a couple nights prior that had set me off. It was something petty. Some remark about how easy I had it, being 'Sanzo-sama' and pushing everybody around, and never doing my own dirty work.

_"It's been like this for years." _He'd said, blowing smoke in my direction, _"You're too lazy, or too scared, or too well-bred, or _whatever_ to do this shit on your own, so we get stuck with the hard shit, and _you_ sit around on your laurels and drink tea, while we go out and bust our asses."_

I had no idea why he was bitching about it, and I had no idea why it pissed me off so much—he'd been saying shit like that since the beginning of time—something about it got under my skin.

_You have no idea how hard it is, Kappa, keeping all you motherfuckers in line, making sure you don't go berserk, knowing I have to kill you if you do, trying to make you all stay the course when you're constantly losing interest and getting sidetracked, having to make the decisions that determine if the four of us live or die._

Either way, it was a stupid thing to get so annoyed over. I guess at the time, I'd just been really annoyed with him in general, since I was _usually_ annoyed with him anyway.

_Annoying sonnova bitch. I'm not lucky enough to be rid of you forever._

What I'd really like, would be to go back in time, back to that fight at the marketplace, and I'd like to hit him really_, really_ hard and just knock his ass out. It'd be nice to punch him one. Not just because I was frustrated with his dying, bleeding ass though, but because it'd be nice, somehow, to be in that moment again, for a brief period of time, back when both of us were strong and didn't have anything to worry about other than normal, everyday bullshit, and who was the biggest dickhead.

_What it boils down to is, this all happened to you because Ryptcore and Jade _both_ thought you were the weakest link. They both thought you'd be the easiest to get rid of. And that's not my fault, because I already _know_ you're not the weakest, fucking link. If they'd asked _my_ opinion, I would have told them not to bother with you._

For one thing, everyone but me fucking _loved_ the sick bastard. Goku thought he was his big-fucking-brother, and as far as Hakkai was concerned, he was more or less his reason for living. I didn't understand it at all.

_What a lie. I might not feel that way, but I can easily see why _they_ do._

No…_ I can't say to myself that there haven't been times when I was genuinely relieved, or maybe even _glad_ to have you on my side._

When we fought Ryptcore together last night, when we had to save Goku and Hakkai from destroying each other, when he told me he wouldn't just run out on me. There were moments like that, little instances in our history, that made me understand why Goku and Hakkai thought he was so great. A lot of the things he did made me feel like I hated him, but there were plenty of times he did something that made me understand why they loved him so much.

_And if you go, it's going to demoralize the shit out of them._

_That's why I can't tell myself it won't make any difference to me if you die tonight._

_ So you better fucking not._

"Sanzo?"

I opened my eyes again. The room was a lot darker, the sun had gone down completely, Hakkai was standing by the window again, and Goku was crouching next to me, looking up at me earnestly.

"What do you want?"

The Monkey was almost whispering at me, "I'm really hungry…"

I sighed. He'd done a good job not whining all day, and it wasn't really fair to expect him to keep waiting to eat when I doubted any of the rest of us were going to have any kind of appetite for the rest of the night, but the situation was still so tense, I was reluctant to leave, even if it was just to go downstairs to order food.

Goku probably really needed to get out of this room though—he was more energetic than the rest of us, and much more emotional—sitting here, watching Gojyo die, was probably a huge strain on him.

Still, if I left, I wondered if that stupid idiot Hakkai would take his limiter off to try to heal Gojyo. He'd gotten so used to removing it in the last couple of weeks, I was worried that the consequences weren't really clear to him anymore.

I should really stay and make sure he didn't do anything dumb.

I should really go and get Goku some food before he had some kind of break down.

Lei stood up, suddenly, "I'll take him to get some dinner, if you want, Sanzo-san."

Startled, I looked at her, and even Hakkai turned his head to watch her. I had been under the impression that Lei hated full-blooded people—humans and youkai alike—but since she'd started traveling with Goku and I a few days ago, she acted a little less hateful. Maybe she was just accepting that she was stuck for us for a while, or maybe she was overcoming some of her own prejudices.

"Really?" Goku got on his feet immediately, "Ya' will? That's great! You're the best, Lei!"

She smiled back at him, a little sadly, and then looked at me again, "If that's all right, anyway. Unless _you_ want to go with him."

I had better stay and watch idiotic, desperate Hakkai and make sure he didn't fuck this up. "Hn." I dug into my robe for the credit card, "Do whatever you want. You'll need this though—believe me."

With a bow, she took the card, and the two of them left.

Hakkai and I stayed in the silence for a whole ten minutes before he said, "Well, that was kind of her. Now you don't have to feel concerned about leaving me here unsupervised, is that right?"

His voice still had that edge to it, and I wondered if he was purposely trying to pick a fight.

"Shut up, Hakkai." I growled. "Your attitude is for shit."

He didn't say anything, and we were both quiet for a long time. The sun continued to set, and soon it was completely dark outside, then, eventually, Hakkai went and sat back down again.

Cool air blew through the window, and I tried to relax, tried not to worry.

Goku came back with Lei after thirty or forty minutes. They filed in, quiet and serious—it was always strange to see Goku being serious—he was carrying some leftovers, which he took over and set on the table, looked at me, then at Hakkai, "You guys hungry? I brought some food back."

I shook my head, and Hakkai muttered 'no thank-you.'

The rest of the night was spent in silence. The hours stretched by even more slowly than before; we were all out of things to say to each other, and I could feel that they were losing hope. Part of me wondered if I was supposed to be the one to say something that would lift morale—I was the leader after all, wasn't I—but what could I say? There was nothing we could do anymore. We had to be realistic.

Eventually, I did eat some of the rice Goku had brought back from his dinner, and I had some more tea, but it didn't make the tight feeling in my stomach go away. Hakkai didn't eat anything all night, and I refused to say anything to him about it. I wasn't his goddamn parent, after all.

I don't know how long I was awake, I just know that after some hours had passed, I began to feel like it had been days. I could hardly stand the feeling of confinement and sickness that was pervading the room anymore, and I had to give up and go outside to smoke a cigarette, hoping against all reason that what was left of the team stayed intact while I was away.

I went through three cigarettes, standing under the black, night sky and looking up at the stars, wondering when all this bullshit would finally be over and we could just get back on track, and then, again, I felt the unshakeable urge to just walk away—forget about them, forget about the mission and everything that was attached to it—and never come back. Why should I care if Shangri-La and everywhere else in the world went to shit?

The urge was so strong, I almost went right there and then.

In the end though, I knew I couldn't do that—like it or not, I had an obligation to fulfill to this world, and to them. I didn't know what they would do without me. Goku would be totally lost, of course, and Hakkai, capable as he was, wouldn't have much direction to go in after tonight, especially if I just left.

With an annoyed sigh, I turned to go back inside.

In the room, Goku had laid down on the floor and fallen asleep. Lei looked like she was sleeping too, but Hakkai hadn't moved. I sat down again and closed my eyes, thinking I might as well sleep as too.  
I had only been sitting there a second or two before I hear Hakkai murmur from across the room, "I apologize for my behavior, Sanzo."

"Feh. Don't bother."

"It's been such a strain…this whole week has been difficult for everyone, hasn't it?"

"It's been fucking unbearable."

"Hopefully soon, everything will go back to normal."

"I guess we'll know by tomorrow."

There was a long, uncomfortable pause before he said, "You're right, I think."

Something in the tone of his voice made me ask, "You're not going to do anything stupid, are you?"

"No. I think I've managed to accept that there's nothing I can do; any course of action I could possibly take now would undoubtedly make things worse."

"As long as you know that."

"I do."

"Then stop worrying about it and get some rest."

"I don't know if I can quite do that, exactly, but there's no reason you shouldn't."

I thought there were plenty of reasons, but I didn't say so.

"Goodnight, Sanzo."

I tried to put all those reasons out of my mind and went to sleep anyway.

**Goku**

_I told myself I wouldn't let anything bad happen to any of them, but then…_

I paced around the inn room. Around and around and around, 'cause I didn't know what else to do. I was restless, really, and I wanted to fight. Sometimes, I felt hungry or sleepy or bored, but that stuff always went away again, in a minute or two, and the restlessness and the anger and the worry never did.

Sanzo went somewhere about thirty minutes ago, and Lei was gone too. Me and Hakkai were alone in the room. Well, alone, except for Gojyo, but he hadn't even _moved_ in forever. Hakkai hadn't moved either, or said a word, in a long, long time. Even when Sanzo and Lei were here, he hadn't said anything to anyone. He was sitting on the edge of the bed now, after staring out the window for about three hours straight.

I stopped at the end of the bed and looked at Gojyo, but he still looked gray and pale and weak and sick and dead. It made me feel cold, right in my stomach. But, his forehead wasn't even creased, so I don't think he knew he was hurt so bad. I don't think he knew anything. He'd been sleeping for days, never waking up, not even to just mumble something at us. He got his bandages changed, and Hakkai tried healing him, and Lei dabbed his face with a wet cloth, and once, I even went over and shook his shoulders.  
It was in the morning after we got to the inn, and I'd really thought I'd wake up and Gojyo would be okay, or that I'd find out it had just been a nightmare. I was super upset when I found out he was still asleep. I couldn't help it. I went over to him, and I grabbed him by the shoulders, and I shook him, just about as hard as I could, and I screamed in his ear, "Wake up! You gotta' wake up! _Please_ wake up!"

Hakkai had grabbed me right away, ripped me off him, shoved me to the other side of the room, and yelled at me, "Goku! What are you thinking?! Have you forgotten he's badly injured!? He can't take that sort of rough treatment right now—you'll only make matters much, much worse!"

Behind me, Sanzo had been standing then, and he'd shouted too, "Dammit, monkey, this isn't a game! Don't make this any harder than it has to be!"

Hakkai went off on some kinda' crazy rant after that, pacing around the room, lookin' sorta' nuts, talking and talking. At first, he was just scolding me and calling me careless, and then he started to say things to himself, about how it was all his fault anyway, and how it should be _him_ lying there, instead of Gojyo. He apologized a bunch. To us, to Lei, to himself, I think. He started talking _to _Gojyo, making all kinds of threats about what he was going to do if he didn't wake up, and then begging for him to 'come back' and 'not to do this'. His youkai energy was worse than ever—to me, it felt like it was about to explode: burn the cuffs off his ear, and come bursting out of him…

We all had just stared at him, watching him get more and more crazy. As far as I knew, he didn't sleep at all the night before, and I didn't know when he'd eaten. After he'd been going at it a while, Sanzo snapped at him and kicked him out of the room, and then Hakkai didn't come back for hours and hours.

He was really freaking out. But, I guess we all were, in our own way.

Now I looked at him, but he was just sittin' there, not moving, not talking, head hung so I couldn't see his face past his hair. His hands were shaking a little, and every now and then, he'd move his mouth, but no sounds would come out. I wondered what he was thinking. His aura was out of control, even now. I thought it would go back to normal after that crazy girl was gone, but…it felt like it was even stronger than before she died. It was almost like…watching Gojyo get hurt so bad was making him go crazy.

Maybe it really was. There were times when I felt like my friends getting hurt could make _me_ lose it. Like when Rikudo, the guy with the talismans, stabbed Sanzo, a long, long time ago, when our journey first started, and I lost my diadem over it. Something about seeing Sanzo get all messed up like that, had set me off, and I couldn't control myself for anything. Maybe that would happen to Hakkai now. And then what would we do? I thought we got lucky, finishing off Ryptcore _and_ Jade without Hakkai losing his mind, but…now it looked like it might not matter.

_It's gotta' really suck…_

I remembered how, before Jade came, Hakkai and Gojyo got out of the Jeep together and walked through the clearing, waiting for Sanzo to wake up. I thought about how they'd moved almost in unison, and how, even though they weren't talking about the stuff that was really bothering them, being together like that, was helping them deal with the stuff that was making them scared and sad and angry. I could see the way they were there for each other, even though they weren't even touching or acting like something was wrong. And now…

Now Hakkai was sitting there, like he was gonna' die next. He was probably playing it all through his head, again and again, 'cause that's what he was like, and he was probably blaming himself, and he was probably dwelling on the things that made him sad, angry, scared, lonely and guilty, by himself, 'cause Gojyo wasn't around to get him through this.

Three years we all lived in Chang'an. Over three years, I got to know everybody pretty good, and now, after traveling all this time, I knew everybody really, really good. I knew Sanzo better than I knew anybody else though, 'cause I lived with him, and he was like a dad to me when I didn't have a dad. He was around if I got scared, and he made me feel better if I felt sad. When I was angry, he made me look at stuff different, and then at least I wasn't bitter. When stuff went wrong, Sanzo made me see that it would be okay, even if he didn't, like, give me a huge hug and tell me all kinds of fluffy stuff. No matter where I went, no matter what happened to me, Sanzo was always in the middle, and he was bright like the sun.

I knew Hakkai and Gojyo had somethin' like that too. I'd seen Hakkai be super bummed one second, and start smiling the next, just 'cause Gojyo came into the room and said something really dumb. When we all first met, Hakkai was super bummed a lot. He smiled all the time, but I could sense the depression he was hiding, and I knew he was sad about the stuff that happened to him before we met him. I thought maybe he'd be that way forever. But I didn't sense that sadness these days—it started going away after he and Gojyo had been living together a while. I didn't get what it was, exactly, but somehow…Gojyo must have done the same sorta' thing Sanzo did for me. Maybe without even realizing it. Maybe he just changed how Hakkai looked at stuff.

What the heck was Hakkai gonna' do if Gojyo died?

If somethin' happened to Sanzo…I wouldn't even wanna' go on… I would, 'cause I didn't get a choice, I guess. So I'd try. But. I wouldn't _want_ to. I'd wanna' go to sleep and never wake up. I want to die too.

If Gojyo was to Hakkai what Sanzo was to me, maybe he just wanted to die right now.

Slowly, I moved up the side of the bed, sat down next to Gojyo, feeling really scared and really sad now, and I didn't even know what I could do to fix this. I didn't even know if anyone could fix it. I didn't get why it was happening, but it was really horrible. I touched his hand, and it was cold. I leaned down close to him, and all I could smell was blood—no rain, no tobacco, no beer or sake, no weird perfume off some strange girl… Just blood.

"Hey." I murmured in his ear. "Can ya' hear me?"

Gojyo didn't even shudder.

I squeezed his hand, "What're you doin'? You gotta' wake up, Goj… You can't do this…"

My eyes were burning.

Why was this happening? He was okay one minute, and like this the next. He killed Jade, like he wanted to. He stood there and kicked the crap out of her, even after she'd torn him up. I had thought he'd be okay. Now what was going on? Was he just…giving up?

He was so tired that morning. I could look in his eyes and _see_ how tired he was, and I even though I didn't get what he and Hakkai had been through while the four of us were separated, and I didn't know how long he went not sleeping, or whatever, but obviously he was super tired, and he shouldn'ta' been fighting Jade.

Why didn't somebody tell him that? Why didn't somebody stop him? Gojyo was stupid—I think, sometimes, he was even dumber than me—he was always doing dumb shit, jumping into fights head first, and he pushed himself when he shouldn't be pushing himself. I guess, we were all kinda' like that sometimes. I knew I was.

Still, why didn't somebody say something to him? Why didn't somebody tell him he was too tired ta' deal with Jade? Nobody even _said_ it to him, but I think we all knew it. He had to know it too, so why did he…?

He told me he just had to kill Jade, and then, in the end, he got to, but I didn't think it was worth it if we lost him.

I whispered again, "You gotta' wake up soon, Gojyo…you told me you wouldn't go anywhere, ever."

That was sucky. He said he wasn't gonna' leave, and now this was happening.

"_I don't want ya' to go anywhere. Ever."_

"'_Kay, then I won't, kiddo'."_

'Kay, then I won't, kiddo' wasn't a promise. It didn't even _sound_ like a promise. I couldn't be mad at him if something happened to him now, even after he said that, but it was gonna' hurt. A lot.

I choked back the urge to start crying, "You said ya' wouldn't leave me, ya' stupid cockroach."

"Goku." Hakkai said softly, and I looked up to see him watching me, his eyes sad. He reached across to touch my shoulder, "It's all right. Whatever happens…"

"Ya' don't actually think that, 'Kai… What th' heck're we gonna' do without him?"

Hakkai frowned, took his hand back, and turned away again. "We'll endure."

It smelled like a lie to me. I didn't think Hakkai was gonna' 'endure' if Gojyo died. I didn't think he was gonna' lay down and die too, but I pictured him going through life after that, never smiling, not really talking, barely alive, just doin' stuff on auto-pilot, not thinking about the future. Not thinking about anything good, ever.

And me too.

How could we just move on without him? Gojyo was…important. Just really, really important. He wasn't strong like me an Hakkai. He didn't have some well of crazy strength he could get into whenever he wanted. He wasn't a great leader like Sanzo was, and he couldn't make great decisions all the time. He could barely decide what he was gonna' eat at dinner. He wasn't super smart like Hakkai was.

Without him though, the team was gonna' go down the drain, 'cause he did somethin' else for us, somethin' maybe we couldn't really do ourselves. Even though he wasn't the strongest or the smartest or the fastest, we could all rely on him—any of us—if we ever needed somebody to turn to. Gojyo was never gonna' say 'I'm way too pissed off or way too sad today to help you out with your shit', 'cause he wasn't like that.

I thought back to the conversation Hakkai, Gojyo and me had around the campfire, what felt like forever ago, after Ryptcore attacked us the second time, and we were going through the woods, trying to help Lei and the others get to their new village. Stuff had seemed so hopeless right then, but even though Gojyo was hurt and down and going crazy 'cause he didn't have cigarettes, he still sat down between us and told us stuff was gonna' be okay. That's what he was like. He didn't think about his problems, and he didn't let them get in the way of always being there for us.

I dunno' what you'd call that. I dunno' what it _was_ really, but he did it all the time, like it was nothin'. He'd just grin at you, and ruffle your hair, an' tell ya' stuff was okay, and you believed him, 'cause it sounded like he really believed it too.

Did he really believe it? When stuff was totally going bad, and he looked up and said 'everything's gonna' be cool, Goku', did he really think that, or was he just lyin' to make me feel better? Did he actually feel like stuff was gonna' be okay?

_Yeah, prob'ly._

That made him the guy all of us could count on, no matter what. When Hakkai almost went crazy, he didn't get scared and give up on him—he chased after him and stayed with him until we were all together again. When me an' Hakkai were nuts, fighting each other, trying to kill each other, he didn't walk out on Sanzo, even though the two of them had been fighting so much lately. He hung in there, and then the two of them got us back to normal.  
I thought about before all this really crazy stuff happened, about how we got stuck in that cave together, while Sanzo and Hakkai fought Xiong. I freaked out, but Gojyo stayed calm and promised me stuff was gonna' be okay—that we were gonna' get out, and that we were gonna' find the others, and that everybody was gonna' be all right. And it was true.

That almost seemed like the last time Gojyo was really okay, 'cause after that, we found the half-breed village, and then he got all…moody, and Ryptcore stomped on him, and he lost his cigarettes, and Jade started doing crazy shit to him…

"I'm not entirely sure." Hakkai said at last, drawing me out of my thoughts and memories. "Going on without him does sound impossible…doesn't it?"

_Impossible._

Even Sanzo was acting weird now. Sitting and reading the same newspaper over and over. I think even he got that, if we lost Gojyo, we were kinda' gonna' lose our spirit.

Maybe I shoulda' been the one to do something. I had all those weird feelings right before the fight started—bad feelings—and when he'd walked away to fight Jade, I almost stopped him, but I didn't know how.

I remembered how it felt to watch…

_He was doing okay, but my heart was pounding. They'd been fighting a couple minutes, and I could tell Jade was stronger and quicker than Gojyo, and I could tell from watching him that he was really tired, but he was still doing okay._

_ So why was I so scared?_

_ Hakkai and Sanzo were watching without a word, and neither of them seemed very worried. Why was it just me? Why did I think Gojyo was in a ton of trouble?_

_ I don't know…but…somehow I knew he was. Somehow, I knew that he wasn't really okay, even if it looked like he was…_

_ The fight hadn't even been going ten minutes when I started yelling at him. I'm not sure why. It just suddenly felt right to yell, and I couldn't stop myself, "Gojyo! Get outta' there!"_

_ Sanzo and Hakkai looked at me like I was crazy. "Goku?"_

_ "Gojyo! _Gojyo!_ Don't fight her anymore—cut it out! Just stop! Gojyo!"_

_ "Would you knock it off, monkey?" Sanzo growled._

_ "What's the matter, Goku?" Hakkai asked, gripping my shoulder._

_ I was breathing hard, and I was really, really scared, "I-I dunno'. I just don't want him ta' do this! Not all alone. I don't think he should!" I summoned my bo and started to run forward, but Hakkai caught my arm._

_ "Goku, listen to me." He said patiently, but when I looked him in the eyes, they were wide and sorta' scared too, "You can't just interfere for no reason—"_

_ "Why not?"_

_ "Gojyo knows what he's doing. We've put up with a lot from that woman for the last several days, and he's especially tired of her. It's his right to do this—more than any of us, he deserves to kill her—so we can't just step in and get in the middle of it. This is his fight." He smiled sadly, "If he thinks he can win…then I'm sure he can…"_

_ …if he thinks he can win…he can…_

Hakkai was wrong, and I'd been thinking about that for the last two days too.

It wasn't too long after he said that that Gojyo started to do worse. Finally, Hakkai decided we should step in, but Gojyo told us to keep out of it, and for whatever stupid reason, we listened to him. Then, before any of us even knew what was happening, he was down.

I turned to Hakkai again, "D'ya' think he actually thought he could win?"

Hakkai didn't answer for a long moment, and when he did, he was all but whispering, "I'm not sure… He fought her twice before, but…he didn't win either of those fights. I suppose, in light of that, added to the fact that, physically, he wasn't in any position to do well in a fight, it's very possible that he knew he was going to lose."

"Then why'd he do it? Is he really that dumb?"

Hakkai shrugged. He shook his head. "I'm not sure why…"

I watched Gojyo sleep a while. "If we stepped in sooner…he woulda' been okay, right?"

"Yes." Hakkai sounded like he was going to fade away. His aura was still blazing through everything I could feel. I wanted to ask why we hadn't stepped in. I wanted to ask why he'd stopped me when _I_ tried to step in. I wanted to understand why we'd all let Gojyo down so totally when he'd stuck by us through everything.

_Maybe that's just the way it is for Goj. Maybe that's just…his life._

"Hey, Hakkai?"

"Mm?"

"Are people like Gojyo really cursed?"

Hakkai whipped around, a disbelieving look on his face. "I'm sorry?"

"Up until we went to Lei's village, Gojyo was the only hanyou I ever met…but everybody says they're cursed, right? That they just bring bad things on others."

He snapped at me, and I still wasn't used to that, even though he'd been doing it a lot for the last couple days. "Gojyo's never brought anything bad on _any_ of us-"

"I know." I interrupted softly, "Bad stuff happens to him though, all the time. Little things, like losin' rock-paper-scissors an' havin' to ride up on the edge of the Jeep, and big stuff. Like this. Maybe somehow…the bad stuff's that's supposed to happen to other people 'cause of him, just happens to him instead. 'Cause that's how he is…"

Hakkai looked less angry now, but he just said, "I'm not sure that makes any sense, Goku—no one has control over these types of things—and at any rate, hanyou aren't _really_ cursed to begin with. They're just people. Tragic, unfortunate people who just got dealt a very unlucky hand at the very beginning of life."

That made more sense. I didn't know what I was talking about.

"D'ya' think he's gonna' make it?"

Hakkai didn't even hesitate before he nodded. It's like he didn't even have to think about the answer, but I wondered if he actually thought it.

"How d'ya' know?"

"Because." He answered simply, "He told me everything's going to be all right. He wouldn't have said that if he didn't believe it."

I didn't know what that meant. I didn't know _when_ Gojyo had said _anything_ at all to Hakkai. And I didn't think Gojyo would know any better than the rest of us. Maybe Hakkai really was goin' nuts over this.

I sighed and laid down next to Goj, feeling really tired and bothered, "I hope so."

"If he doesn't…." Hakkai went on, a little darkly, "I'm afraid of what that will mean for my own sense of self."

"Ya mean, you think you might still go berserk, if something bad happens…?"

"I'm afraid it's entirely possible."

With the way his aura was, I thought he was probably right.

"I don't think he'd wanna' leave you behind." I answered suddenly. "I think he knows how much it would suck for you."

Hakkai didn't answer.

I knew it would suck for all of us, and I hated to think about Gojyo being gone, but it was almost impossible for me to imagine Hakkai going on without Gojyo. It had been weird to see him going on without Gojyo when he ran off to put Kami-sama in his place. It had seemed to me like he was only half of Hakkai—the things he'd said and done just hadn't felt right.

"I can't deny." He said very quietly, "I will be devastated on a very personal level. I don't know that I'll be able to forgive myself."

"Me neither."

Hakkai looked at me, and our eyes met.

I whispered. "Hakkai. How could we let this happen to him? He's always there for us."

"Try not to think that way, Goku. It's easy to feel as if we've let him down, I know, but he made his choices, and we did everything we could to stop him. He's just careless like that."

"Still." I turned over and rested my forehead against Gojyo's shoulder, "I wish I did somethin' to stop him. I don't wanna' keep goin' west without him. And I definitely don't wanna' go home without him."

"Home." Hakkai murmured, his eyes turning distant, like he was lookin' back on something only he had seen. "No…I don't think I even _could_ go back to that place without him… How strange… I've often suspected that he could easily go on without_ me_… It must be some fundamental weakness in my character. It must be why he insists that I'm 'an emo'."

"Ya' kinda' are. But. I don't think he could go on without ya' _that_ easy."

Gojyo was quiet when it came to feelings and stuff, but I watched their friendship from the outside for four years, and I was pretty sure Gojyo would follow Hakkai to the ends of the earth. Not 'cause he had to. He was independent and strong, but I knew that he just _wanted_ to be with Hakkai. Come to think of it, it was kinda' dumb to ever think he'd stay in Lei's village.

"Perhaps not." Hakkai said softly. After a moment, he laid down on the other side of Gojyo, sighing heavily. "I will do anything in my power to keep that from happening."

"Me too."

After a minute or something, I could hear that he was asleep, and his youkai energy seemed softer for the first time in days, and then I couldn't help thinking that this wasn't the end. Gojyo wasn't dead yet—he was still hanging in there, and fighting—he wasn't giving up like I'd thought earlier. I couldn't believe he'd let things end this way, not if he knew what it would mean for the rest of us.

I looked at him a long time, and now he didn't seem as pale, just really still and peaceful.

Maybe he could always say stuff was gonna' be okay and sound like he meant it because he was always gonna' fight until stuff really _was_ okay. It wasn't like him to quit just because things were hard, so I couldn't believe he was gonna' die here. In a way, it almost seemed dumb to think that he would. It seemed almost as dumb to think that as it had been to think that he might stay with Lei in her hometown.

Then I wondered if maybe he was just catching up on all the sleep he'd missed. If I went through all the crap he'd put up with, I'd be super tired too, and I might just fall down and sleep for a week when it was over.

The thought made me smile. I couldn't help it. I closed my eyes, "Wake up soon, buddy."


	31. Chapter 31

**Gojyo**

_ '…Don't run away from the people who understand you best…'_

The rain was coming down in torrents, but I couldn't even hear it over the slamming beat of my own heart.

There was blackness, jostling sensations of movement. I was in the Jeep—the fact that I could make sense of that was miraculous to me—Goku was close to me. I caught fragmented glimpses of his face, with wide eyes and a terrified mouth. He seemed really hot, but maybe that's because I was so cold. Freakishly cold. The pain was unbearable; it made me want to scream, but I didn't have the strength, so I just sank back into the blackness.

_This is all bullshit…_

The thought was almost a grin in my mind, a fork in the road, splitting off in two directions, one toward struggling and fighting to exist, and one toward admitting I was beat, and giving in. In the end, I wasn't sure which to take, because I knew what I was, I knew what life had in store for me, and it was just a matter of deciding if it was worth it or not. How could I be sure if it was?

_'…I think I was wrong about something…I dunno' why, but we get ya'…you belong with _us_…'_

Somewhere beyond the pain and the numbness, the darkness and the rain, there was screaming—horrible, relentless screaming, like somebody was getting their heart torn out.

Deshi. I let that bitch kill him. I just stood there while she…

_Could this day get any longer?_

But I knew that screaming, terrified, angry voice, maybe even better than I knew my own—I don't think anyone _really_ knows what they sound or look like; they think they have some idea, but I don't think it's ever perfect, not the way you can know the look and sound and feel of someone else after you've been around them a really long time—it made me really sorry, hearing that awful screaming coming from that voice I knew so well.

_'…You're just Gojyo to me. Gojyo's not defined by 'taboo'…he's defined by other things, like friend, room mate and comrade…'_

And _you're _not defined by things like 'murderer' or 'psycho'; that's _Sanzo._ If I could have laughed, I would have, but then again, nothing was funny. Not right now.

_'I've never seen you fall so hard that you couldn't pick yourself back up.'_

This time though…I didn't think I could. The second I hit the freezing, wet ground, with that bitch standing over me, holding her sword, I knew there was no way I was getting up this time. Not by myself.

_'…if anybody's gonna' die on this ass-sucking quest, it's probably going to be me…'_

Why am I only right just when it really, really sucks?

The darkness faded again, and there were flashes of a town all around me. The rain was done. Everyone I passed was staring at me in horror, but I could barely make sense of how I was on my feet, let alone moving, and then I realized I wasn't really _on_ my feet. The voice that had been screaming just a couple seconds ago was right beside my ear. _'You're not dying. Do you understand? You'd better not think for a moment that you can get out of this by _dying _on me.'_

As if he could do anything about it. I'd already felt the warmth of his chi burning through my freezing cold body, and even though it had given me a little shred of strength to go off of, I didn't have to be lucid to realize it wasn't going to be enough this time, and we were back to the days of carrying each other on our backs.

_You can't do it…_

_ 'How simple for you to say—it doesn't mean anything to you!'_

I knew better than to believe that, even if it did seem true sometimes.

_'…you're not my responsibility, and you're certainly not my friend…'_

But…

_'…If your life _is _in danger, it's not on purpose…I can't control what happens when I send you to do something…'_

All along, I always knew I didn't have to accept this—I could be home right now, but I chose to come, and I chose to stay; not because I cared so damn much about the fucked up world that had spat on me and turned its back. It was because of _them_, because they hadn't, and I'd learned by now that they weren't going to, and that meant I couldn't do it either.

_'Don't run from the people who understand you…'_

I could almost see my brother, looking at me through the dimness of the night. _'…why are you with those guys in the first place? …Why are you sticking with them?'_

So many reasons.

But it didn't really matter now, because it looked like this was just about it for me.

The town was just a blur. I missed most of it, and I didn't care, because it was full of people who didn't give a shit what happened to me, and I wasn't all that interested in what happened to them either.

With my head on his shoulder, I could smell laundry detergent and tea, just beneath the reek of sweat and blood, and I wondered how he always managed to smell that way, even when we were on an endless road trip.

'…_Dude…think I'm fucked…?'_

_ 'No, you're not. I've got you.'_

_ '…If you get yourself killed, I'm dumping you in a shallow grave and moving on…'_

_ '…it's way too early to cash in the damn chips…I'm dragging you crazy bastards with me, no matter what…'_

_ 'I'd miss ya…if ya' left…'_

_ I'd miss you too, kid._

For a little while, I think I was awake, drowning in sporadic explosions of pain that seemed to be drenching every inch of my body, unfamiliar hands all over me, pressing me down, prodding at me, jabbing me with needles, dousing me with weird-smelling chemicals I didn't have names for. Right when I was starting to think I was in hell, I looked up and saw Sanzo above me, and then I _knew_ I was in hell.

It should have been nice to see a familiar face, but it was _Sanzo_, so it didn't count; not that I wasn't glad to have someone, but Sanzo wasn't really the kind of guy you wanted to have next to you while you were dying. He was a little bit lacking in empathy. There was only one person who'd ever seen me _this_ pathetic before, and he was the only person I thought I could stand to have around me now.

But he wasn't there, and after a moment, neither was Sanzo, and I was totally alone, which was the worst thing possible.

I didn't want to deal with dying alone, so I went back to sleep.

Even then, voices were ringing through my mind, all the time, coming in and out of focus.

_'Without my limiter, I might be able to help him…'_

_ '…You're worth two Gojyo's to me…'_

_ '…Sha Gojyo might not be here tomorrow…you've got to be ready to deal with that…'_

I was sick of hearing them talk about me like I wasn't there.

_'…Not a good place for Sha Gojyo to die at all…'_

_ '…if you die 'cause of a chick I'm gonna' think you're so lame!'_

Assholes.

I sank deeper into sleep, and then there was finally silence and the pain disappeared.

Then, I opened my eyes, but I couldn't tell if I was awake or not, or whether I was dreaming or in reality. The moon outside was shrouded in mist. The pain inside me was almost too much to stand. My throat was dry, my mouth tasted like blood. Next to me, there was a fluttering, scared voice that I could barely hear in the night.

"Please don't die. I wouldn't be able to accept anything so horrible."

It was really vivid for a dream. I could almost_ feel_ his shoulder lying against mine and his face pressed to my neck, but I couldn't tell if it was real.

My voice was really calm. Almost cheerful. "D'ya' really think I'm gonna' die?"

He was quiet a long, long time, not even moving. His breath was warm when he finally answered, "Are you awake?"

I kept staring at the moon, vision blurry from pain, and nothing seemed real. Everything looked like it _could_ be real, but nothing was familiar, and it didn't make any sense to be awake. "Can't tell."

"Do you know who you're speaking to?"

Was that supposed to be some kind of trick question? Maybe he didn't know who I was talking to.

"Yeah. _You_, 'Kai."

He shifted a little and was quiet a few more moments. "Will you tell me everything's going to be all right?"

Guess he was freaking out. Still, it was kinda' weird, so this had to be a dream. I muttered, absently, "Everything's cool, pal."

"It's ridiculous, I know, expecting _you_ to reassure _me_ under these particular circumstances, but…I just…I need to hear you tell me things will be okay…"

Whatever he was freaking out about, Sanzo's good, old-fashioned, 'suck it the fuck up before I put you out of your misery' must not have been good enough for him this time.

I said it just for the hell of it, "It's gonna' be alright."

He sighed and leaned against me. "Good."

I closed my eyes and hoped I was right.

I sat up, shaking and feeling cold and pained, but I didn't want to lay there any longer. There was sunlight coming through the window off to the side, sort of dim and pale, like evening was setting in, and I didn't know how long I'd been unconscious, but my whole body felt stiff, like I'd been dead for a couple of days.

I was in some really tiny, cheap-looking, dingy room that was decorated all in brown and gray, and my bed was hard and tattered. I sat there taking it in for a minute or two, trying to figure out where I was and what happened, and it took me a moment to notice Sanzo sitting across the room, and god damn did he look way too calm, wearing his dorky glasses and reading his stupid newspaper, filling the room with his disgusting Marlboro Red smoke; he didn't even look up at me.

For a few minutes I sat there, breathing roughly and staring hard at the world around me, trying to convince myself that everything I saw was real. It didn't make any sense for me to be alive—I could remember my fight with Jade really vividly, and how it felt to have her rip through me, and how heavily I hit the ground, with the guys crowding around me. It didn't make any sense. No. This had to be a dream.

I looked around at Sanzo again, but he hadn't even moved to turn the page of his newspaper.

Doing my best to stay calm, I shoved the blankets off and looked down at myself. Everything was all wrapped up—my arms, most of my torso, my leg. There were patches of dusky red on the bandages. I remembered how much I'd been bleeding and shuddered. No. It still didn't make any damn sense to be alive, not after Jade had torn into me like that.

Slowly, the fight came back to me, little by little. I remembered forcing myself to get up and keep going, even when every step felt like it was going to kill me.

When I looked up again, Sanzo was watching me. He had this weird look on his face, frown extra harsh, forehead wrinkled even more than usual. For a moment, our eyes met, and then he looked back at his newspaper, calmly saying, "You're alive? Hmph. I just can't catch a break."

It didn't sound even half as dickish as usual.

"Me neither." I husked. My throat might as well have been coated with dust or something. It sounded like I'd screamed myself hoarse.

"I guess there's still a chance that you could die…" Now it sounded like he was just forcing the dickishness.

I didn't really care what he said or did right then, or if he thought he had to be a dick or not.

"Where's everybody else?" I asked when I thought I had better control over my voice, but I still sounded like I'd spent the night screaming and crying. My head hurt like I had too.

"Hell if I know. I couldn't stand their hovering anymore, so I sent them away."

"You did _what_? God, you're a dick."

"Why's that?" He still didn't look up, and as much of a dick as he was trying to be, he didn't sound like he was interested in fighting with me.

"Maybe because I'm in here dying, and you told everyone to leave. That doesn't seem like a dick move to you?"

"No."

"I can't believe it—you're such a dick, you don't even _know_ you're a dick."

He finally glared at me over the top of his newspaper, "You're being pretty damn mouthy over there for having just had a near-death experience."

Near-death experience, my ass. This still didn't feel real to me. I still didn't see how I could have hit the ground, bleeding like that, yesterday morning, and wake up today like it never happened. I felt the bandages wrapped around my stomach, felt a sharp twinge of pain that was _almost_ convincing. I mean, at least I'd been in a fight.

_That's right…the fight._

I barely remembered lying side by side with Hakkai, as he looked me in the eyes and told me he wouldn't mind losing, this one time, if it meant losing with me.

What a fucking asshole, just assuming we were going to _lose._

_'We ain't losing, Hakkai'._

"Also, not that it's any of your business," Sanzo harsh voice brought me back to the present again,, "but we all decided you probably weren't going to die about five days ago."

I did a double-take of him. "_Five_?"

"Hn. We've wasted more than a week in this backwater town, thanks to you."

So…that was it… It's not like Jade ripped me a new asshole yesterday. I'd been lying here a long, long time; obviously they'd gotten a doctor for me, since the bandage job looked pretty pro, and Hakkai had probably had the chance to try healing me a couple of times. I remembered him trying to heal me the first time, in the rain, surrounded by gore, that pathetic, terrified look on his face making me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I remembered telling him he couldn't do it—I had known then just how fucked up I was, that my injuries were more than he could deal with. Maybe though, in intervals, he could have at least given my body the extra strength it needed to keep me alive and help me recover. I didn't know how his whole chi thing really worked…so I couldn't say for sure if that would do anything.

I turned back to stare at Sanzo, thinking about what we'd done, taking out Ryptcore while Goku and Hakkai were being nuts. I could hardly believe we'd pulled our berserk, little team back together. Even at the time, I had barely been able to believe it.

Did that mean everything was cool now? Did I even care if it was cool?

Yeah. Fighting with Sanzo like that had been totally exhausting, and I was way too tired and stiff now to want to even think about fighting with him. And besides that…

He noticed I was staring after a while, and then frowned at me, "Knock it off."

"You didn't do it."

"What now? Don't tell me you're still delirious."

"You didn't dump me in a shallow grave and keep trucking."

Sanzo sounded a little annoyed, "You didn't _die_, you half-wit. As much as I'd love to bury you alive, I doubt I could get away with it."

"Yeah, well you didn't put me out of my misery either."

"Believe me, I thought about it. And I'm _still_ thinking about it, so how about you shut up now?"

"No, dude, really. It's cool that you -"

"There's still time for me to kill you. I could probably convince the others that you just didn't make it."

"Fine." I tried not to let my frustration get the better of me. I knew that's the way he was going to be about it—no way in hell he'd ever let _me_ thank him—so I shouldn't be too bothered that I was right in the end. I sat there a while longer, wishing I had a cigarette, wondering where my pack was at.

"What did I tell you about being an idiot, anyway?"

I glanced at him, a little surprised that he was going to keep talking to me, "What? I dunno'. I don't pay much attention to anything you say."

"You're an idiot, Gojyo. You're a fucking, goddamn, stupid idiot."

"Oh right. That."

"What the hell were you thinking anyway?"

"Who knows?"

"The next time you decide you want to die and throw yourself head-first into a stupid fight that has nothing to do with you, don't expect me to give a shit. This is the last time I put any effort into saving your ass."

"I've heard that before." I muttered under my breath, and then I kicked the blankets off and swung my legs over the edge of the bed. Standing up was sort of hard—there was a lot of latent pain that went ripping through me as soon as I was on my feet, but I ignored that—I supported myself against the wall a second and then went rooting around for my clothes, which had been neatly folded and placed on a nearby chair. Probably by Hakkai.

"What the hell are you doing now?" Sanzo demanded.

"Gotta' have a cigarette." I found them in my coat pocket, where they belonged, put one in my mouth and started to put my pants on. I lit the smoke and took a deep, deep breath. It tasted better than anything in the world. Next, I went looking for my boots, found them under the chair there, stuffed my feet into them, wincing a little as some pain shredded through my wounded thigh.

"You're being an idiot again." Sanzo snorted. "Not that it's any of my business."

I tugged into my jacket, which was really tattered and pathetic by this time. It was so bloody, I was surprised nobody had just tossed it out. "There's nothing idiotic about wanting fresh air."

"I'm not interested in what happens to you, but I'll say it just so no one can say I didn't warn you—you almost died, you retard, and you should keep your ass in that bed until somebody with some brainpower tells you otherwise."

"Oh, and I guess that's gonna' be _you_, huh, Sanzo-sama."

"As I said, I don't give a shit what happens to you." He said it, but his face was looking sort of funny again, wrinkled up like that. Sort of the same face he got when it was rainy.

"Thanks for the advice." I grinned at him as I made my way toward the door. Honestly, walking hurt a lot, and I knew I was limping pretty bad, but I couldn't sit here anymore, especially not knowing I'd been bedridden for a week or something nuts like that. I had to move or I was going to die.

Sanzo growled, "Whatever. I'm sure someone else will be dragging you back up here in another fifteen minutes."

"Yep, probably."

He kept scowling at me, but he must have given up.

I hesitated by the door, "You know…we're cool right… you and me?"

"We've _never_ been cool, Gojyo."

Yeah, that was probably true. Sanzo and me hated each other from the second we saw one another on the other side of my door four years ago, and I knew that wasn't going to change or go away any time soon. That was almost comforting. I really almost died this time though, and that sort of changed things. At least for now.

"You didn't really think I was going to leave and never come back, did you?"

"Of course I did. I'm surprised you've stuck around this long."

"I wouldn't do that to you." I couldn't quite make myself look at him.

"You already said that."

"Do you believe me?"

He sighed, "What does it matter? I'd still leave you behind in a split second if I thought you'd slow me down."

Finally, I forced myself to turn and look him in the eyes, "Yeah? Apparently not."

Sanzo wasn't quite frowning like I expected him to. His eyes were hidden behind all the typical shields and facades, but I couldn't make any sense of his expression.

"We probably both would have died, y'know? Fighting crazy Goku and Hakkai? It's kinda' amazing that we didn't."

He lowered his gaze back to the newspaper, "Whatever. Just get out of my sight—go fall down the stairs or something, crippled jackass."

"Right…" I smiled to myself. That settled it—that dick was always going to be one-hundred percent impossible to get even the slightest bit close to.

_Goku did it somehow._

Goku was a genius.

I pushed the door open and limped out into the hall with a wave over my shoulder, "Anyway, thanks for sitting up with me, man. 'ppreciate it."

I shut the door again before I could hear the typical, stubborn 'I wasn't sitting up with you—I hate you' shtick.

The inn we were in was smaller and shittier than I expected. There were two floors—hence the stairs I was supposed to fall down and die at the bottom of—but everything around me was crappy, creaky, dingy and falling apart. It was freezing cold in the hall, for some reason, and the walls were flaked, smeared and scraped. I wondered if any of the other rooms were even occupied, or if we were the only group who'd stayed here all year.

I made my way down the hall slowly, half leaning on the wall and holding my injured side. So far, everything was totally quiet—I didn't see another person anywhere. It was like a ghost inn, and I totally expected to see something freaky coming down the hall toward me when I looked over my shoulder.

Downstairs, there was a tiny, little dining room, with a pathetic, little kitchen separated from everything else by a curtain that was half open, and a damp hallway that probably led to the bath, or maybe a crappy onsen. The windows in the place were grimy and dark, not letting any light in.

Finally I heard some voices disrupting the otherwise eerie silence, but they were pretty soft too—whispering to each other—like they didn't want to mess up the creepy stillness of the inn. I rounded the corner and saw Hakkai and Goku sitting at a table. They both looked tired and disturbed; Goku's eyes weren't shining, even though he was plowing through a plate of food, and Hakkai just looked exhausted. He hadn't even touched the meal in front of him, and his silverware was still wrapped in a napkin.

I hesitated by the stairs, feeling kind of embarrassed, suddenly, after getting my ass handed to me and putting them through all this shit. I wondered what I could say to them to make things normal, how I could keep this from being a big deal.

While I was figuring it out, Jeep looked up from Hakkai's shoulder, where he was preening himself, and let out a shrill, loud chirp that completely shattered the silence and made me grimace.

They both looked up, and Hakkai was in the middle of saying, "Well, Sanzo, how's-"

When they saw me, both of them almost dropped their teeth, their eyes got as big as the plates in front of them. "Gojyo!"

I gave up a weak grin and settled on a puff of smoke as a way of trying to act natural, "'Sup, kids?"

They were already scrambling out of their chairs, yammering away, and I could see that there was no way this could be anything other than a big deal.

"You're awake!" Goku shouted, springing up to me.

I thought he'd slam against me, and that would probably knock me out, braced myself for the impact, and the pain, but he stopped just short, sort of straining forward like it was all he could do not to throw himself on me, kind of like I was a glass pony he really wanted to pet the shit out of.

"Yep, I'm-"

"Stupid!" Hakkai snapped. "Being alive doesn't mean you should be wandering around when you've—so stupid—in any case you…that is. How do you feel? You look awful. You've been in a coma for over a week. I can't believe you think you can just get up and stroll down here as if… You've already caused us so much grief. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Yeah! You scared us, ya' damn, clumsy-ass. You should say sorry!"

"Clumsy? I-"

"Apologizing may be unnecessary…but never-the-less, you really ought to go back upstairs. Can you actually _walk_ on that leg?"

"Geez, guys." I grumbled, "It's not _that_ big a deal, is it? So I'm awake. Calm down."

Hakkai frowned at me and shook his head. "You're so impossible, Gojyo."

"Ya' almost died." Goku added nervously. "You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I just couldn't lay there with ass-hat Sanzo anymore. That dude's such a dick. Next time I almost die, do me a solid and get me a pretty nurse."

"Gojyo." Hakkai sputtered like somebody kicked him in the stomach, then palmed his face. He laughed a little. "Oh, Gojyo… You're such a…"

"Hey!" Goku shouted suddenly, "What about Lei? I bet she'd wanna' know you're okay!"

I looked down at him, "Lei's still around? I thought she woulda' headed for home by now."

"I don't think she wanted ta' go as long as you were all… Anyway. I can go look for her, 'kay? C'mon, Jeep!" The kid took off running, and for whatever reason, Jeep flew after him.

We watched him go, and Hakkai murmured, "That was very abrupt…"

I studied him a sec, noticing the dark circles under his eyes and the sunken look of his face. I could still sense his youkai energy, a little, but it wasn't blazing like it had been on the day we'd fought Jade, so I guess he'd calmed down a lot. They'd been sitting around here all week, so maybe he'd gotten himself together. Or else he was just exhausted. I took another drag off my smoke. "What about you, man?"

"What about me?"

"You look kinda' awful yourself."

"I haven't been sleeping well, you see."

"Or eating." I gestured to the plate he'd left at his place on the table.

"No…I haven't been…" He sighed, "Frankly, I haven't been doing well at all…this past week."

"That sucks." I stared across the room at nothing for a minute or two, "What about that bitch?"

He sounded startled, "Jade? Don't you remember?"

"I remember you said you wouldn't take your limiter off." I said darkly.

"I promised I wouldn't."

I could _almost_ remember that. I remembered the words anyway, but not the context.

Everything was a blur in my mind.

"I didn't." He went on.

"She's dead though right?" I leaned forward, suddenly scared that he was going to tell me she'd run off, gotten away, and was still out there somewhere, hunting us and waiting for the next opportunity she got to finish us off. "You didn't let her get away just because I got hurt, right?"

Hakkai was giving me the strangest look, "Gojyo, I think you should go back upstairs and lie down."

"Not until you tell me about Jade."

"She's dead."

"She is?"

"You killed her."

"I…?" The rest of my words died behind my teeth. I didn't remember that. Was he lying to me to make me feel better? No. Hakkai never lied to me. And if he did, he was way too smart to let me notice he was lying to me.

He cocked his head to give me a long, thoughtful look. "You really don't remember that?"

"No… not… really…" I thought hard. I remembered hitting the ground. I remembered lying, half-dead, in the back of the jeep, as he tried to heal me. What was between that?

I almost remembered getting up.

And then he said he wouldn't mind losing with me.

I could sort of remember Jade lying at my feet, in pieces, but I was already on the verge of passing out at that point, and that was way more like a dream than it was like reality.

Everything between forcing myself to stand up again, and coming to in the room upstairs fifteen minutes ago, felt like a dream.

"She's dead." Hakkai said, gently. "You killed her."

"I can't believe that actually happened." I said flatly. Suddenly, I glared at him, "Unless, you're telling me this so I won't find out you went and took your limiter off to beat her."

"Now, now. Why would I do such a thing? I already told you I wouldn't remove it again, didn't I?"

"You fuckin' promised."

He smiled slightly. "Would I ever break a promise to you, _dude_?"

I shrugged and went back to smoking in silence, but I felt reassured anyway. "I didn't do it alone. She almost killed me."

"No of course you didn't. I really can't believe you don't remember the fight. The four of us defeated her, it just so happens you were the one to land the final blow."

"Was it hard?" I asked suddenly, "Hurting her?" I remembered her telling me he was going to go crazy and turn against us if we killed her, and of course, I'd found out he was thinking about Kanan every time he saw her. Ripping her apart, even hitting her, would probably be a little bit tough.

"No." He answered without hesitation. "Quite the contrary, in fact. It was simple."

"_Easy_? Well, what the hell, man? Why didn't we get it over with a long time ago if it was gonna' be so damn simple?"

Hakkai was smiling again, only sadly this time, as he looked me in the eyes, "I suppose I needed to have the right incentive."

"Glad I could help." I scoffed.

He didn't laugh at all. Instead, he said, "It was rather unfortunate for her. The one thing she thought could drive me over the deep end was the exact thing I needed to see in order to genuinely want to kill her. I don't regret finishing her off at all, in light of that—she was a very twisted individual, I suppose—but…I do regret that I let this happen. I'm-"

I punched his arm, lightly, because I didn't want to break in two from the effort, "Old news, Hakkai."

For some reason, that seemed to upset him, definitely way more than it was supposed to, and the next look he gave me was caught somewhere between dismay and relief, and suddenly I remembered the weird dream I'd had of him asking me to tell him everything was okay.

_That wasn't a dream, Gojyo, you idiot._

Hakkai really thought I was going to die. I could see it all over his face now, just how certain he had been. I didn't think I had been that close to death before. He had obviously expected me to die at any given second—they all had—and the only reason I wasn't thinking of it was because I'd taken a nap for seven days and woken up thinking it all happened yesterday. I wasn't around for the 'hovering' as Sanzo had called it, to see them being scared and worried, not eating, not sleeping, just waiting and wishing for me to wake up.

_Don't run from the people who understand you best…_

Who in the hell could possibly know me better?

I slung my arm around his neck suddenly, dragging him closer and knocking my head against his—lightly so my skull wouldn't fly into fragments—and I held onto him really, really tight. My cigarette had burned itself down to the filter by now, so I dropped it and wrapped my other arm around him too, "Shit, dude. I'm so fucking sorry."

"What are _you_ sorry for?" He demanded, but he was quiet and resigned. It took me a second to realize he was holding onto me just as tightly as I was hanging on to him.

"I scared the crap out of you."

"Yes, that's very true. You really did."

"I'm okay."

"I don't think I can aptly express my relief."

With a chuckle, I pounded his back. "Damn. I really almost died, huh?"

"You…I think you might _actually_ be part cockroach. I can't believe you're doing this well."

"I told you—I'm tough."

He squeezed tighter, to a point where it almost hurt, and I knew he didn't think I was all that tough right now. "Why did you do it?"

"Fight that bitch?"

"Obviously."

"You know why."

"I wouldn't have necessarily had to remove my limiter to beat her, you know."

"Yeah, but like you just said—you didn't have the incentive to kill her—she was going to keep needling away at you until you couldn't resist anymore, and then what would we have done?"

"Still. What you did was reckless and stupid."

"When am I ever _not_ stupid and reckless?"

"I suppose. Still, what I'm trying to say is what you did…it wasn't noble or courageous or anything. It was idiotic. Absolutely idiotic."

"Yeah. I really…love you, man."

Hakkai was silent a really long time after that, probably totally stunned. It was probably the second time in my life I'd dropped that word on him. It was probably the second time in my life I'd even _said_ that word to someone. I couldn't remember ever loving anyone else, in any way. At last he told me, "I'm afraid that doesn't make it any less idiotic."

"I know."  
At last, he took a step back to look me up and down, like he wasn't sure I was really there, but his hand stayed resting on the back of my neck. The way he looked at me made me feel like he thought I could still fall down and die at any given second. After a moment passed, he murmured, "Thank-you."

"What the hell are you thanking me for?"

"Believe it or not…I'm thanking you because you wouldn't listen to me. You didn't simply walk out on me the moment things became a little rough."

"You know I wouldn't do that to you, dude."

He cracked a faint smile, "Yes, of course… I suppose I've learned that by now. Regardless, I…"

Hakkai trailed away, looking up over my shoulder, and cleared his throat suddenly.

I turned to see Lei following Goku through the front door. She looked a little better than the last time I saw her—hair and face clean, dressed like a guy, in a dark button-up shirt and some khaki's with boots—but her expression was tired and her eyes had lost some of their shine.

She hesitated when she saw me.

I took my arm off Hakkai's shoulders, and he let go of me, and we each took a step away so there was some distance between us.

Goku came over to me, like a happy, little puppy, and I ruffled his hair.

I tried to smile at Lei, but I still felt ridiculously guilty for what happened to Feng and Deshi and the rest of her friends and family. "Hey-ya, babe. You look good."

Her smile was twice as fake as mine. It looked like she might burst into tears at any given second, and I didn't think I could handle that. "Gojyo… You. You're all right…"

"Oh. Yeah. Just a couple scratches. No big deal."

Lei didn't look even slightly convinced, and next to me, Hakkai muttered something under his breath.

Slowly, Lei came across the room to me, stood face to face with me, so I could smell her, like flowers in the spring, and I had to remember that I'd never fucked her. She searched my eyes a moment, and then she reached up to run her hand down the side of my face, "I'm glad you're all right."

"Yeah." My voice was ridiculously quiet now, and I didn't think I could raise it if I wanted to, maybe because it would hurt too much, or maybe because it just didn't feel right.

Lei leaned forward to wrap her arms around my neck and buried her face in my shoulder.

I hugged her around the waist, threading my fingers through her hair. I could smell perfume on her and feel her heart beating against my chest. I closed my eyes so I could really appreciate how different she was from the last psycho bitch who'd been this close to me.

Hakkai's voice said softly, "Come along, Goku. Let's go up and have a word with Sanzo."

I didn't know exactly why he wanted to give us some space, but I was glad he did, because I really wanted to kiss Lei, and I figured she'd feel embarrassed if I did it in front of them. Now that everything was finally calm again, I might actually get the chance to go to bed with her.

Or my injuries might make that completely impossible.

The two of them walked away. I heard them go up the stairs, murmuring to each other.

I squeezed Lei a little tighter, "I didn't expect you to hang around this long."

"Why not?"

"I dunno'. You didn't have to, is all."

"I wanted to… I didn't think I could leave, not knowing if you were….going to make it or not."

I pulled back, hands still on her, gave her a kiss on the cheek and lingered there, "You're sweet."

Lei ran her fingers through my hair.

I moved in to press my lips to her mouth.

At the last second, she turned her face away.

I looked her in the eyes a long time, "Hey…"

She was looking at me through her eye lashes, eyes almost pink, and her voice was extra soft, "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I wanted you for so long…I like you so much."

"That's nothin' to be sorry for." I grinned. "I like you too."

"You don't understand. After everything that's happened, I'm just not sure it's right."

"Right?" The idea confused me. I didn't see how it could be anything _but_ right. "I-"

"For a little while there, I was stupid enough to believe that if I was nice to you, and I showed you I cared about you, and I gave myself to you, you'd stick around and be with me. I know now that never would have happened, but it doesn't matter anymore. I have to leave."  
"Yeah, so how about I give you a proper goodbye?" I made another move to kiss her, but she pushed me back.

She turned away.

I was feeling more and more confused by the second. "Lei? What's wrong?"

Now she had her arms folded, holding herself, like she was cold, "Too much… Too much has happened, Gojyo. I'm not the person I was when we met—far from it—I hardly know who I am or what I'm like or what I should do next. It wouldn't be fair."

"Don't worry about that." I put my hand on her arm, "You don't hafta' worry about being fair to me."

For a moment, she was quiet. "Why is that?"

What a good question. I wasn't sure I knew the answer, and at the same time, I knew exactly what it was. Either way, I shrugged, "It just doesn't matter. You're not gonna' hurt me or nothing."

More silence. She snorted, "You're really something, Gojyo, just assuming I can't hurt you. What is it? Don't you have any feelings?"

"Um. No…I mean. Yeah. Sure, but…"

She waited, and I tried to figure it out. Why didn't it matter if she was fair to me? I didn't like the real answers: either it was because Lei, as a person didn't actually matter to me, so she _couldn't_ hurt me, or it was just that my self-esteem was so damn low, it couldn't get any worse.

Man, I didn't like _any_ of that, but she was still waiting for me to tell her, so I just scraped the hair back from my face, like an idiot, and said, "I'm not that delicate is all."

She looked like she didn't quite believe me, but she moved on, thank God. "Not that it matters. I meant it wouldn't be fair to _me_."

I was quiet. This wasn't going the way I'd wanted.

"After everything I've been through in the last couple of weeks, and the role you've played in it all, I don't think I should. I think it would be…self-destructive of me."

At last, I lowered my eyes, "I'm sorry. For Deshi and Feng and Hu….and everybody else. I'm sorry that I-"

Lei put her hand on my arm, lightly. "I don't mean it's your fault, Gojyo. I mean the way you've been there for me, or at least _tried_ to be there for me. I have to admit, I don't think I understand you at all, but I think you're one of the sweetest boys I've ever met, and I know you would have done everything you could to save my village and my friends, and Deshi."

I didn't know about the sweet thing, but she was right about that last part. I knew I would have too. I would have sacrificed my own health and safety to prevent that shit.

Maybe _that_ was why I wasn't worried about her hurting me. I was born to be the goddamn fall guy.

"There was some part of me that honestly believed that…if I could just be with you, it would change my whole life. Fix it. Make me finally see that I am worth something."

Her voice fell, her hand slipped away, and she all but whispered, "I know though. I know I'm just another girl to you."

"C'mon, you don't really think _that_, do you?"

She met my gaze again, "I know it. And it's okay. It's just not what I'm looking for."

I rubbed the back of my neck, "Right."

"I have to be fair to myself. I don't think I'm at a point where I should be too intimate with someone I'm never going to see again. Like I said, too much has happened."

Slowly, I lit a cigarette, "I understand." Suddenly I wondered if Hakkai had taken Goku upstairs because he knew this was going to go this way and he didn't want to watch me fall on my face.

"I hope that's true. I really wanted to be able to say goodbye to you."

"So. You goin' home?"

"I don't think so."

That startled the hell out of me, "You're not?"

"I can't think of any reason why I should—that place isn't home, and so many of my friends are dead now. It will never _be_ home."

"Yeah, but, what about all that stuff you said, about our kind not belonging in the outside world?"

She smiled crookedly, "I've come to understand something. Belonging…isn't really about being in a _place_, is it?"

I didn't answer, even though I was starting to get that too.

"I'm glad you showed me that, Gojyo."

"Me? Hell…I just…" I just didn't know what to say. I didn't feel like I knew that any better than she did until really recently. "Where're you gonna' go?"  
"I'm not sure." Her eyes seemed distant now, and she was staring out the window, "I guess…I really want to experience the world, to really understand what it's like out there, to see if maybe I _can_ belong. I think I'll pick a direction and just go."

"That's really brave."

"I don't think so. It's just the way it is."

With a sigh, and a soft smile, I took her hand in mine, "_I_ think it's brave."

Lei giggled, but even that was different from the first time I'd heard it, less sincere now, and more grown up, sort of tired, like the rest of her, "You're such a flatterer. Do you ever mean _anything_ you say to a girl?"

"Sometimes." I grinned.

"Well, it's no surprise your relationship with your male friends is so much better than anything you've ever had with a woman."

That wiped the grin off my face, "What's that supposed to mean? It's not like I'm a homo or something."

She was still smiling as she shook her head at me, "There's a lot you don't understand, isn't there? You'll figure it out some day."

"Geez, Lei. You're kinda' mean."

"Hm. Maybe." Suddenly, she leaned into me again, wrapping me in another hug, "Look after yourself, sweet boy."

Slowly, I hugged her back, and I still felt confused. She thought I was sweet. She thought I was insincere. I didn't know what to think of _her_ anymore, but I was suddenly sorry she had to go. "You're leaving? Now?"

"I told myself I would go when you woke up."

"That's really sudden. Sure you won't spend the night with me?"

"No, sweetie."

"That sucks." I tried to kiss her again.

This time, she let me, but as soon as our tongues touched, she was pulling away, backing toward the door, still holding my hand, lightly, in her own, eyes kind of shining with tears. "I have to go now."  
"…All right…"  
"Say goodbye to Goku-kun for me…again."

"Goku? Sure."

She lifted my hand to her lips to kiss me on the broken knuckles, flashed me another gorgeous smile, "I hope…some day, we run into each other again."

"Me too."

"At a better time."

"Hopefully." I tried to smile, but I wasn't used to having a woman walk out on me like this. It made me feel strange and nervous and slightly vulnerable.

She let go of my hand, turned and walked out the door, hesitated there a second, "When you're feeling better, you should go talk to your brother. He's really worried about you."

"Eh? That jerk's still around here?"

"He's hanging around just outside of town, up on the hill. He's _really_ worried."

"'Kay. Thanks for the heads up."

"Goodbye, Gojyo."

"Later, babe."

And she was gone.

I watched her go, staring out the window after her, seeing her red hair gleam like fire under the sunlight, until she rounded the corner and was out of sight, and all I felt was regret.

Sighing, I turned to make my way back up the stairs, to the room, where the guys were. Hakkai and Goku were sitting at the table, talking, and Sanzo had barely moved since I'd seen him earlier.

I walked across to sit back down on the bed, "Goku. Lei says bye."

"I know. She told me b'fore we came inside."

"Then she says bye again. What're you guys friends now?"

"Mmhm. We hung out a lot while you were asleep."

"She didn't fuck _you_ either, huh?" I gave him a devilish smile, but I couldn't help feeling slightly pissed off. When was the last time I put the moves on a chick and had her just…

_I waited too long. I shoulda' fucked her the first day I met her._

Goku didn't say anything back to me. Both of them were giving me a strange look.

I shot Hakkai a short glare, "You knew she was gonna' ditch, didn't you?"

"Of course I did. We all did. If I may point out, it didn't seem to bother you nearly this much the first time the two of you parted ways."

That was true. Maybe it was because I had been so preoccupied with everything else that was happening. Or maybe it was because I hadn't tried to do anything with her. I should have made a move sooner.

"Does it really make a difference?" Hakkai asked, like he had somehow heard what I was thinking.

Did it? Did I think I was less of a man, or that I'd lost my touch just because somebody rejected me?

I felt the wound in my stomach, momentarily, and suddenly, I was sort of light-headed and tired. The wound was throbbing. _Win some, lose some._

Was I really that upset that I hadn't gotten anything out of Lei, especially after everything that happened? That made me a total pig, didn't it?

The room was spinning a little, so I ground out my cigarette and tried to sit still. My leg hurt too now. Maybe going up and down those stairs really had been a bad idea after all. Turns out I couldn't hack that any better than I could hack Lei openly rejecting me.

_Selfish pig._

Pain spread across my forehead and down the bridge of my nose.

Fucking stairs.

"Hey, 'Kai?" I asked drowsily, "Do pigs know that they're pigs?"

They all gawked at me. Even Sanzo looked up to cock his eyebrow at me.

"Pigs?" Goku muttered. "Wha? Wassamatter with ya', you crazy Kappa?"

Even though I was dizzy, I didn't miss the worried look he gave the other two.

"Ah, pigs are not very self-aware creatures, you see, so I somewhat doubt that they do."

"Yeah? Like, if you're crazy, you think you're sane, or something?"

He was silent for a second, "Something like that. At any rate, if you think you're a pig, I suppose that means you're not, for the most part."

"Duh. Ya' don't have a snout, dumbass." Goku added.

"Yeah, thanks a lot, monkey." I laughed. Then I said, cheerfully, "It doesn't really matter. There're a lotta' chicks in the sea."

"Fish." Hakkai corrected, mildly, and he was suddenly standing over me, face looking a little blurry. "And I suggest you go back to bed now, before you pass out."

Sanzo snorted, "I told that stupid-ass to stay put."

"Right before you told me to fall down the stairs and die." I added.

"Now, now." Hakkai interrupted, with one hand on my shoulder. "Really, Gojyo. You are seriously injured."

The last thing I wanted was for my buddy to worry any more. I slung my arms around his waist and rested my head against him, voice muffled in his shirt, "It doesn't really matter, right, man? It doesn't matter she didn't want me."

"Don't confuse not wanting you with simply not taking you."

His voice sounded so far away, I wondered if there was something in my ears.

"Right. So it doesn't matter." I whispered.

"Not at all. Now, please, lie down."

At last, I slumped back over on the bed, feeling heavier than usual, and shut my eyes. In a way, I didn't want to think about any of this ever again. I wanted to pretend the last three or four weeks hadn't happened at all.

I probably wouldn't get that luxury.

"Hey, Hakkai. Where's Jien at?"

"I'm not sure exactly, although, I assume he's still around. I could go and find him, I suppose." He said the words, but I heard the cold reluctance in them.

"Naw, that's cool. I'm used to him not being around."

"Very well then. Try to rest now."

I felt him pull the blankets up over my shoulder, and then I listened to the guys talk for a few minutes, even though, after a while, I could barely make out what they were saying, but it was good to know they were there, and I didn't have to worry about some crazy strong bastard attacking while I was down.

For the first time in forever, I felt like everything was going to be okay.

* * *

**Dokugakuji**

Kou sat across camp from me. He had a brooding look on his face, and neither of us had said a word in over an hour. I couldn't think of a damn thing to say right now, and there was really only one thing on my mind.

_Gojyo…_

Lei said he was hurt really bad. He might not make it. They'd all decided he probably would, but still, they didn't know for sure. My brother could be dying, and there was nothing I could do.

Kou and I had spent the next three or four days after Ryptcore died, making sure that the DethBreed was completely gone. We'd scoured the surrounding area of the town the final showdown had taken place in, and we'd come across a handful of them here and there, some that had fled the town during the fight, some that had been stationed there to wait. We took them all out, and we were happy to do it. We'd laughed and joked with each other, and enjoyed the moment—the calm after the storm—we'd meant to go back to Houtou Castle as soon as we were done. The ordeal was over, and we could go home.

First though, I told Kou, I wanted to say goodbye to my brother. I wanted to apologize for how much of an ass I'd been, and for not understanding him, and maybe even for leaving all those years ago. I wanted to tell him… I didn't really know what, I guess. I just didn't want to leave things as they were, with him not getting where I was coming from. Maybe I just wanted to remind him that he was my brother, and that would never change, even if we'd completely lost touch.

Kou said it was okay, so we went looking for them. Tracking them down wasn't too hard, it was just a matter of finding their trail, and since they were driving, and vehicles weren't common in this area, that wasn't hard. There were parts of the trail that had been washed out by the rain, but it was always easy to find again. We came to a spot where it looked like there'd been a battle—there were traces of blood here and there, gashes in the trees from blades striking the trunks, or branches completely hacked off—I figured that was the work of my brother and his weird blade/chain/staff thing-leaves burned from some high-magnitude source of energy—that would be Hakkai's chi—and empty bullet shells scattered across the clearing—a sure sign of Sanzo—footprints were everywhere.

"Assassins." I decided casually. There was no sign of the 'good guys' field trip, so they were obviously okay. "Or maybe remnants of the DethBreed. Man, those kids can't catch a break."

"I'm not so sure." Kou answered, a little bit starkly. He was a few yards from me, kneeling on the ground, over a corpse. I went to stand next to him.

It was a woman, her body cut in half, arms chopped off, eyes and mouth still hanging open, long, raven hair burned in places. It looked like maybe an animal had ripped into her, but it must not have liked the taste, because most of her was still there.

"Oh, this girl." I stared down at her, long and hard.

"This is the woman that was following them around."

"Yeah, I think you're right. Guess she tried to kill Sanzo after Ryptcore was defeated." Obviously that was a big mistake.

Kou didn't think it was right to leave the body out in the open like that, so we took the time to dig a shallow grave, there in the wet earth, and then we jammed the sword that was lying nearby into the ground as a marker. We moved on.

From there, the Sanzo party's trail led us due south, which was weird, since it wasn't the direction they were supposed to be going, and into a small, shitty, little town. When I saw it, for some reason, I started feeling nervous. Why would they come to this place?

There, we'd come across Lei, who'd been walking with Goku, on the edges of town. I remembered walking up to her, her face was puffy and red, eyes swollen, like she'd been crying, and Goku looked pretty damn close to tears himself. They hadn't acted happy to see me, even though Lei and me were friends, and Goku was ridiculously friendly toward his enemies. They hadn't acted any way at all. Lei had sounded almost cold as she told me what happened, that the crazy youkai woman who'd killed Deshi—which I hadn't known—had torn Gojyo to pieces, and that now he was somewhere between living and dying, probably not going to make it, badly injured…

I could barely hear what she was saying. I'd stopped listening at some point, and all I could think was _Gojyo's hurt…Gojyo's dying…_ I barely cared about details. The person responsible was dead now. There was nothing I could do. I wasn't a doctor; the doctor had already done his best. There was nothing I could do. Hakkai had tried to heal him, and it hadn't been enough. There was nothing I could do. Yaone wasn't even with us, so it wasn't like I could beg her to try to help my brother, and anyway, she might not be able to.

There was nothing I could do.

Just like when we were kids. Watching Mom beating him and kicking the shit out of him and torturing him over and over and over, knowing there was no way to make it stop. Knowing there was nothing I could do.

Right then and there, I should have ran to him. I should have made Goku and Lei show me where he was, and I should have gone and sat on the side of his bed—for days if I had to—and held his hand, and touched his hair and told him it would be okay, like I used to when he was little.

But I hadn't. I couldn't. I didn't think I could go and see him, torn up and bloody and dying. I didn't think I could stomach it, mostly because I hadn't been there—again—when he needed me the most. I'd been somewhere else. I'd let this happen. I hadn't protected him.

I did go to the inn, later. I stumbled into town, dazed and scared, and I'd found my way to the inn they were staying at. It was evening and the place was dark, except for two or three windows lit up on the top floor. My brother was beyond one of those lit up windows, dying. I could barely stand the thought.

Hakkai had been there, outside, looking about as miserable as I felt. 'Just getting some fresh air', he'd explained, but he hadn't smiled. He'd barely even looked at me.

"What happened?" I'd asked.

So he'd told me the whole story, all over again, exactly what Lei had said, with his eloquence and his additional opinions. He'd finished with, "He's so stupid. He shouldn't have done that. He's just so…"

"You shouldn't have let him!" I'd snapped, and suddenly I'd felt rage and resentment mixing with my guilt and my fear.

Hakkai had turned a dark, angry eye on me. "I beg your pardon?"

"You just stood there and let him. You didn't try to stop him? Where the fuck were _you_ at?"

"How was I supposed to stop him?"

"Something! You could have done _something_!"

"I did everything I could to-"

"If he dies-"

"He's _not_ going to die. And it _isn't_ my fault. It wasn't my responsibility-"

"Oh, I guess you think it was _mine_."

"Absolutely not. It's clear you've been excused from any sort of brotherly duties since he was a child. He doesn't expect anything out of you, and neither do I."

I'd been so angry at hearing that, I'd almost hit him. The only reason I hadn't was because I could clearly feel the rampant intensity of his chi, and I remembered the startling perception he possessed. So I'd checked myself, begrudgingly, knowing, without a doubt, that he was superior, and he'd trash me.

"Don't come to me and dump all your inadequacies and your remorse on me, Dokugakuji. At least I was there when it happened."

The words had made me feel worse than ever, and they'd been true, so I'd turned away to go back to Kou.

Hakkai had called after me, "Aren't you going to come upstairs and see him?"

"No…I-I can't…"

"_Can't_? You can't even come up and see his condition for yourself."

"I can't."

He'd answered icily, "You disgust me."

I'd accepted that in silence as well, because I couldn't bear the guilt of knowing I hadn't been there, I couldn't help, I couldn't do anything, I wasn't there when he needed me, and I was afraid.

Besides that, I hadn't brought my power limiter, and if I went inside, I'd have probably been seen, and it would have thrown the whole town into a panic.

"Please." I'd managed to choke out, before I walked away completely, "Can…can you just keep me updated?"

"You expect me to go out and find you every day to tell you how he's doing?"

I knew I had no business asking for favors from the enemy, but I couldn't do anything except repeat myself. "Please."

"I certainly _can't_ be bothered with doing that, Dokugakuji. I have to stay with him. If you want to know how he is, you'll have to come and see him."

We'd left it at that, and the next day I'd fully intended to take my limiter and go to him, but I hadn't needed to. Lei had come, instead of Hakkai, and given me the details about Gojyo's condition. She'd come every day after that.

_I still should have gone to see him._ I thought to myself.

Why couldn't I? Why couldn't I just…?

If he was going to die, I should have been there with him, every second of every day, but…I couldn't leave Kou. Would he come with me? It didn't help that the Sanzo ikkou was our enemy, and now that the common threat was gone, our truce was over. Should I let that stop me from seeing Gojyo?

All the questions in my mind left me in agony.

That was days ago, and Lei hadn't come today, and I didn't know if that meant no news was good news, or maybe…

I couldn't even think it. I couldn't even imagine a world where my brother was gone. As much as I'd been to him when we were kids, Gojyo had been all that and more. In him, I could see my father, sometimes; I could hear him in Gojyo's laugh. Sometimes, it was almost like he was with me, somehow, living out his life, happy-go-lucky and mischievous, through my half-brother, and it made me think of happier days, when my parents had been in love, and the three of us had been a family. So I'd loved him, recklessly, in place of the family that had been destroyed. Of course, I loved my mother, but, after everything she'd done, after I'd slept with her a few times, resentment started to set in, and after a few years, I think I hated her. I didn't have anything else, so I'd loved Gojyo, more than anything. If I was his world, then he was the brightest ray of sunshine, beaming throughout my dark, unfortunate life. That little red-headed bastard.

It would have been easy to hate him, the way everyone else did—the way Mom did—it would have been easy to say 'you ruined my whole life' and turn my back on him the same way society had. I could have been so cruel. I could have told him his parents must not have loved him, seeing how they killed themselves. I could have told him no one loved him. I could have beaten him too. I could have taken all my frustration and anger out on him.

But I hadn't, because Mom lost her mind, and then that cocky, little bastard was the only thing I had left.

When she stood over him with the axe, ready to end his miserable life, I had thought for a moment that it could be for the best. Maybe he'd be better off dead if this was the way his life was going to be. And I knew that Mom and me could start to have a normal life if he was gone. I had to face it then, that maybe if he died, it would just be better for everyone.

In the end though, I couldn't let her go through with it, because, honestly, I couldn't bear to know I'd let him down, and I couldn't stand to even imagine the world without him.

Of course, the consequence had been that I lost my right to be with him, but at least, no matter where I went, I'd known Gojyo was somewhere, alive, and that he was smart and charming enough to scam his way through life. It was the only thing I could tell myself in order to go to sleep at night.

Now though…now…he could have died, and I hadn't even been there to say goodbye.

_I came all the way out here to protect you from Ryptcore, Goj, and you didn't give a shit. You laughed in my face and kicked dirt over my shoes and told me to fuck myself. You didn't even know that's what I came for…the reason I put myself in the middle of all that bullshit._

Suddenly, I wondered if maybe Gojyo never even knew how much I loved him. He knew, obviously, that I was his brother, and that I loved him—he had to know that—but maybe he didn't know just how strong that affection was. It didn't matter that he was grown up now. It didn't matter that he was on the wrong side of this fight. It didn't matter if he was my enemy. I'd do anything to protect him. Forever.

_I doubt he knows that…_

If he died he'd never know.

I stood up suddenly, walked to the edge of camp, where I could see down the hill, to the little town, nestled there.

_Gojyo…_ What should I do? Go down there?

_What if he's dead?_

Kougaiji called my name.

"I should be there." I muttered, more to myself than to him. "I should be holding his hand and telling him everything's okay."

Kou said calmly, "Then go down there. I can't think of any reason why you shouldn't."

I couldn't either, and yet…

How could I stand it, seeing my one and only little brother, torn open and unconscious, not even aware that I was there? How could I stand that? It had already been hard enough, seeing him with scraped up knees and a bruised, dirty face.

Just the idea of it brought on a torrent of memories…

_I catch him around the waist and swing him up onto counter. He's just seven, but he still seems way too light, because Mom isn't feeding him as much as she should, and I know it. I get out the box of band-aids and the peroxide. Gojyo's just watching me._

_ "Don't cry."_

_ "I ain't."_

_ I think, _You should be.

_ She just finished beating the shit out of him, so his clothes are stretched his eyes are black, his mouth and nose are bleeding, and there are scrapes on his arms, carved into him by her long nails. Any normal seven year old would be crying._

_ I haven't seen him cry since he was four or five. It's really awful that a five-year-old figured out that crying will make him look weak and that he can't afford that._

_ "Are you scared?"_

_ "No."_

_ That's probably true. It's just the way it is, now. It happens almost every day. Nothing to be scared of…_

Kou said something, but I didn't hear it. I was too caught up in my memories.

I closed my eyes. _It's just the way it is, isn't it, Goj? You just accept the way things are…_

_ I wish you weren't like that. I wish you fought a little harder. I wish you had some damn self-respect._

_ I don't want to lose you._

"Dokugakuji." Kou called, firmly, "Why don't you come over here and eat something?"

"No thanks. I'm not hungry."

"Beating yourself up isn't going to help your brother."

"Don't talk to me about my brother."

Kou was quiet. I don't usually snap at him like that. After a second, he said, more quietly, "If you're worried about leaving me here alone, don't be. I think we got all the DethBreed taken care of now, so I'll be fine."

I turned to face him again, "You think they're really all gone?"

Kou nodded, "Most of them probably died when Ryptcore did, and the others wouldn't have gotten far. I think it's safe to assume we wiped them all out. So if you want to go and see your brother, I think you should."

"It's…it's not like I don't _want_ to. It tears me up, not being with him."

"Then what's the problem?"

I didn't answer. I didn't know what to tell him. At last I managed to say, "It's been such a long time, Kou. I didn't think about how much we were going to grow apart. I guess I thought I'd never see him again, so it didn't matter."

"Time's cruel that way, my friend."

"He has his friends." I went back to sit down again. "He doesn't need me to be there."

Kou looked back at me, steadily, "That doesn't mean he wouldn't want you to be there."

That made me feel sort of stupid all the sudden, and then I thought I probably seemed pretty cowardly right then. After all, if it were Lirin, I knew Kou would be there in a heartbeat. Nothing would keep him from her.

It was enough to make me change my mind. I got up and went without a word, down the hill.

The day was peaceful and clear, the clouds were fluffy and sparse, and a nice, warm breeze was blowing. I tried to take a deep breath to push back the sick, tense feelings inside me.

I was only part way down the hill when I saw two figures ahead of me, climbing up, not quite side by side. I watched them, curiously, wondering if they were just villagers who were climbing the hill—maybe a couple who'd come up to be alone—in which case, if they saw me, they were going to be scared and run off and raise an alarm in their town.

Or, it could be Lei and Goku. They came together sometimes, I think because Goku didn't want her to go by herself. Or because he couldn't stand to sit by and watch my brother die any longer.

I kept my eyes on the pair, warily, thinking about ducking out of sight. When they got closer, I could see that one of them had long, red hair, and my heart started to pound a little, anxiously.

It could be Lei, I reminded myself. Her hair was as long and as red as Gojyo's, and she'd been dressing like a man for the last few days. It could be Lei. It could be…

Then I heard his laughter ringing out, above the grass and the hills, the wind, and even the sky. That same laugh he'd always had—cheerful, no matter what bad thing was happening. Child-like, no matter how old he got. Confident. Careless. Dad's laugh.

My heartbeat stopped completely. I closed my eyes, because I thought I was going to either pass out or die.

_Gojyo… My brother… My one and only little brother… I love that bastard. I love that bastard so much._

The night before Mom tried to kill him, she was gone all night, out on the town, floozing around, drinking and smoking, doing drugs for all I knew. Gojyo and I were home alone. I was eighteen. He was twelve. I wanted to be out on the town myself, but I had to stay with him—I couldn't bring him, and I couldn't bear to leave him alone. So I stayed.

I made dinner—just some crappy microwaveables—and we ate together, bickering and bitching and playing and laughing off and on. I looked across the table at him. His face was looking okay—she hadn't hit him in almost a week—but I'd be stupid to think it was over forever.

He was laughing about something really stupid, bragging about it. He was being an idiot. He'd be a teenager soon, and then, I knew there'd be no controlling him. Gojyo was wild by nature—he had Dad's wild, reckless heart—he didn't go to school, so there was no way to account for what he did on a daily basis, and when he got older, there wouldn't be any way for me to keep him from doing whatever he wanted. He'd probably walk all over me. He'd probably keep letting Mom hit him until the end of time.

That thought made me angry and broke my heart. It made me want to cry, sort of.

Some day, he might hate me. He might resent me. When he became a teenager, he might think I was a total asshole. He might blame me for the things that were happening. If I tried to control him, tried to be his parent, I knew he'd hate me. But what else could I do?

It wasn't too long until his thirteenth birthday.

"Hey kiddo'." I said, when his laughing was finally over. "Can I tell you something?"

"'S'long as it' ain't too heavy, Jien. I'm in a good mood." He always said that when he could tell I was about to get serious on him.

He was in a good mood too. I could still remember the sparkle in his eyes. It had been rare back then—she was starting to get to him, so maybe that was why he'd decided to let her…

"It's not too bad." I had tried to smile. "I just wanted to tell you…"

Gojyo had waited, patiently for a second, before prodding, "Yeah. What?"

"I really love you."

He'd smiled at me and chirped back, "I love you too." Because he was sweet like that back then, but I knew he didn't get it. He didn't understand what I was trying to tell him. He didn't know what love was, and I knew it. Because no one had ever loved him, and I didn't tell him enough for him to associate the way I acted with the fact that I loved him. But I'd told him then, and I'd decided I was going to tell him every day for the rest of his life.

The next morning, Mom tried to kill him, and I had to leave.

Gojyo was probably a completely out of control, reckless, stupid teenager, all without me. And he probably had no idea that I loved him. He probably didn't remember that I'd told him that the night before I left. If I were him, the only thing I would remember would be that I'd left without a word.

_I do though. I love that little bastard so, so much._

Even now.

Gojyo and Hakkai were almost to me now, and they'd noticed I was there. When they were closer Gojyo shouted, "What, you couldn't come down and meet us? I almost died, you know."

That flippancy was just like Dad too. I could remember all the bullshit excuses he'd given Mom for coming home late when everyone in town knew it was because he'd been with _her_ all night.

The sound of his voice made me want to scream. It took all of me not to run the rest of the way to him and grab him. Instead, I took a deep breath and waited for them to reach me. It only took a couple more minutes, and that gave me time to compose myself.

Gojyo looked a little beat up, with some bandages wound around his head and a few band-aids slapped on his face. He was wearing a black t-shirt and some blue jeans instead of his normal outfit, and I couldn't see any of the damage Lei had told me about, aside from his right arm, which looked like it was bandaged all the way from the wrist up. The crisp white bandages had a few specks of fresh blood on them. Other than that, he seemed okay. He was walking kind of slow, limping a little, movements stiff, but he wasn't dead.

I stared at him, trying to manage my relief.

"Well, look who it is. I thought you woulda' gone back to India by now. I almost didn't believe Lei when she said you were still around."

My voice was outrageously quiet and sincere compared to his, "I couldn't leave when I knew you were hurt."

"Oh, yeah, sure. Well, I'm okay now, so you can quit your worrying and head out." He flashed me an insolent grin and lit a cigarette.

I glanced at Hakkai. He hadn't said anything yet, but his chi had calmed down, pretty much back to normal, even though his expression was a little bit darker than usual, and I figured he didn't like it that Gojyo had climbed all the way up to see me, which made me wonder how much they'd argued about coming up here. I couldn't even imagine how Gojyo had won that argument, other than he was just so ridiculously stubborn. He'd probably said 'I'm going whether you like it or not', and then Hakkai had no choice but to follow him. He was standing pretty close to him too, as if he expected him to pass out at any given moment.

Maybe Gojyo was close to passing out, because he suddenly hooked his arm over Hakkai's shoulder and leaned on him, more heavily that usual.

I didn't even care about whatever bullshit, glib thing he'd just said—I'd already forgotten what it was—go figure he was going to act like an asshole when I'd been worried sick for the last week straight. I moved forward a little, still trying to figure out what to do with the uncontrollable yearning to hug the shit out of him. "Are you okay? Lei talked like you were hurt really bad."

"Not _that_ bad."

"She said you've been unconscious the last five or six days."

"Um. I guess so. No big deal though-I'm cool."

Hakkai shook his head slightly, and then he suddenly shrugged out from under Gojyo, "Ah, you'll have to excuse me, you two."

Gojyo turned to him, "Where're _you_ going?"

"Just over here. I see a bed of wildflowers I'd like to look at."

"Weirdo. Make sure to bring me back a bouquet."

Hakkai hesitated to give him a long look, an expression I couldn't read, but that I perceived as either extreme anger or immense sadness. I didn't get him well enough to know what it was.

Gojyo must have gotten it though, because he murmured, a little more seriously than the first time, "I'm okay."

Hakkai touched his shoulder for the briefest moment, cocked his mouth in a contrite smile, and then went on his way to the flowerbed, which was about a hundred yards from us, and was probably just out of earshot. I figured he was giving us privacy. Or else he was as weird as he acted and actually wanted to look at flowers.

My brother watched him go before looking at me again, "That kid's so freakin' weird."

"He's really been worried about you, hasn't he?"

"I guess everybody has."

"You almost died."

"That's what they told me. Anyway, I just came up here to show you I'm okay, and to say goodbye, since you're probably going back to India now that that psycho and his army are dead. So, until next time." He gave me a quick salute, and then turned around.

"Wait a minute, Goj."

He turned back, slowly, in a way that made me think he didn't want to face whatever I was about to say.

My mind reeled. Earlier, I'd had so many things I wanted to tell him, and now that he was here, I couldn't think of a damn one of them. Something about apologizing.

Better run with it.

"I'm sorry."

He kept smoking, calmly, "'Kay. For what?"

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."

"Not a big deal." He shrugged. "I was pretty much out of it for the whole thing, so I didn't even notice you weren't around."

"Not… that isn't what I'm talking about. I mean before. When you were a kid. I'm sorry I just took off that day and never came back."

He was quiet a moment, and then he just shrugged again, "No big deal. I did okay."

"I'll never really know if that's true, will I?"

Gojyo just shrugged one more time, and then said, "I don't really give a shit anymore, Jien."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means, I don't know why you did what you did, and I don't care either. It was a long time ago—I turned out the way I turned out—and yeah, shit might have been easier if you'd stuck around. It's not like I've never thought about_ that_, how much different life would have been if you didn't do what you did, but it doesn't matter now. It doesn't matter if you were just in shock, or if you were too guilty to face what you did, or if you hated me after that and couldn't hang around, or if you knew you'd have to go on the lamb for a while and couldn't drag a kid with you. I've got all your excuses made up for you." He flashed a charming, Gojyo grin.

Slowly, I answered, "The situation I left you in…the things you must have went through…"

He waited for me to finish, then he glanced over at Hakkai, who was standing near the flowerbed, watching us, not even pretending he wasn't watching us. "Forget about it, Jien. Even if shit woulda' been easier when I was a kid, having you around to fight my battles for me all the time, I kinda' like the way things are now."

I sighed and gave in, "I'm glad."

"I don't know why you left, exactly, but…I get it…and I don't hold it against you. The last few weeks have been really fucked up, so I'm sorry if I said anything to make you think that I hate you for it, or something. I don't."

"Right." I tried to smile. "None of it really matters anymore, huh? All that shit…twelve years ago…who cares, right? It's not important anymore."

His face turned uncharacteristically serious, "Yes it is. You're the only reason I'm alive right now; I never forgot about that, Jien."

It warmed my heart a little bit to hear him say that. Strange. It felt less brotherly to me, all the sudden, and a little more like I was his parent. Like I was some long-gone father who'd taken off years ago and then came back to apologize when the guilt was too heavy, and now he was telling me it was all right, because he'd already forgiven me.

"So drop the bullshit, let's shake, and I'm gonna' go-"

I grabbed him by the collar, suddenly, yanking him forward and wrapping him in a bear hug, lifting him off his feet.

"Shit!" Gojyo squawked.

"God, I'm glad you're okay. You scared the crap outta' me, Goj."

"…I know."

"Don't ever do that to me again, got it?"

"Right. Sorry."

I held onto him tight—but not too tight—for a little while longer. I kind of wanted to hold onto him forever, and keep the good memories close, remember the things that made me love him so much, but I had to remember that he wasn't seven anymore. He was a man. He was the enemy. Those days were gone forever, and yeah, they were really important, but I couldn't get them back, and I didn't even want to try. I just wanted to be near my brother for a few more minutes before everything went back to normal.

_How shitty is that? The kid had to almost die for me to think this way._

Gojyo patted me on the back, kind of like he was tapping out, "I said I'm sorry, all right, Jien? It'll never happen again, I swear."  
Still, I didn't let go. I said, almost to myself, "I don't know what I would do if something happened to you."

That shut him up, and he was still a while.

I closed my eyes.

When some time had passed that way, I finally let him go again, and he was staring at me weird, like he didn't really get what had just happened. He looked young and vulnerable to me.

Chuckling, I reached out to ruffle his hair. "You're such a pain in the ass."

"So're you."

I left my hand resting on top of his head for a minute. I didn't want to walk away from him yet, I guess. I wanted to tell him about the things I'd been thinking all morning, and all week really, about what he really meant to me, and how much I actually cared about him, and how I'd been trying all this time to just protect him from Ryptcore, and even the revival, if I could. In the end, all I could say was, "I'm sorry if I've been an ass the last few times we've seen each other. I was just worried about you."

"It's okay."

I smiled, sadly, "You know…no matter what happens, no matter where I go or what either of us do, no matter how old you get, or how much you change, or who else is in your life, you're always going to be my little brother."

"Yeah, I know, Jien."

I put my arm around his neck in one last, quick embrace, and this time I even went so far as to kiss him on top of the head before letting him go. "I gotta' go now. Be careful going back down the hill."

"Yeah, yeah. Have a nice trip."

For a moment longer, I looked at him, and I wondered why I couldn't say all the things I really wanted to say. Because I thought he wouldn't accept them, or because I thought he might laugh? No. Maybe I just felt like I didn't need to. He had to know already, didn't he? If he didn't—if he was actually that dense—that was his hard luck, wasn't it?

But then, as I was walking away, back up the hill, I thought of what I'd told myself that night, when Mom was away, back when Gojyo was all I had, just before everything in my life went really, really wrong.

I'd known he was going to be beyond my reach soon, and now he really was; I'd realized he wouldn't know love if it punched him in the face, that he didn't realize _I_ loved him, and maybe now he got it a little bit better, but probably not much. Whatever the case, I had told myself that night, promised myself really, that from now on, I was going to say it to him all the time, and maybe, some day, he'd get it.

I didn't get to go through with that promise, but maybe that didn't mean I should give up on it completely.

"Hey." I turned back, suddenly.

He was just standing there watching me, looking bewildered. "Yeah?"

I pointed a single finger at him, "I love you."

This time, he didn't smile and sing out, 'I love you too', like when he was twelve. This time, he just sort of cocked his eyebrow at me and nodded. "'Kay."

The idiot.

I laughed a little to myself and then continued on my way up the hill, "Later, bro."

"Later."

I passed Hakkai, who was watching us from a distance, not paying any attention to his damn flowers, paused beside him just long enough to say, "Look after him for me, would'ja'?"

He answered, "I don't really need to."

"Do it anyway."

"Oh, very well then." He sighed, and then added under his breath, "Of all the thankless tasks to be handed…"

That had me laughing a little more, and I went back up the hill, and they went back down the hill.

Kou greeted me at the top, "That didn't take very long."

"I didn't have to go very far."

He hesitated, "Is everything okay now?"

"Guess so. Looks like that brat's gonna' survive after all."

"Congratulations."

"I guess that means we can go home now. Man, what a crazy couple of weeks, huh?"

"Absolute madness. You're sure you're ready to go?"

"Whenever you are." I thought a moment, and then said, "Thank-you, by the way."

"What for?"

"You didn't have to come out here and fight Ryptcore with me."

"Don't be ridiculous. I already told you, I didn't want that maniac loose in Shangri-La, minus wave or no minus wave. Your intentions just so happened to coincide with my own."

It was the first time I'd ever decided to do something like this, on my own, independent of Kougaiji's will. The first time in seven years I'd done something for myself instead of for him. Still, when I told him I had to go and try to help my brother, I hadn't expected him to tell me he was going to come too. For all I knew, what he was telling me now was true. Why shouldn't it be?

"I'm grateful either way, Kougaiji." I bowed at the waist.

He turned away from me to look toward the west, and after a moment, said softly, "If it were Lirin…I'd do the same thing."

"Siblings." I sighed, "What a pain the ass, huh?"

A slow grin etched across his face, "The absolute worst."


	32. Chapter 32

**I started this fic almost exactly three years ago now, gave up on it more than once, changed the plot a couple different times, switched gears half-way through, got totally lost, and almost gave up hope, but thanks to the continued interest and constructive criticism of you readers, I finally managed to get it all on track and pull it together. I'm still not thrilled with parts of it, but I'm satisfied, and I'm grateful for your support.  
That being said, I'm sorry that it's finally over, but I definitely don't want to overwork it. I've got a couple other Saiyuki fics still in the works—check them out if you've got the time.**

**Thanks again**

**-Zaney**

* * *

**Goku**

Sanzo and me waited, just outside the town. We already ate breakfast, and we were all stocked on supplies, the sun was shining, the sky almost cloudless, and there was a nice breeze blowing over the grass, bringing the smell of fresh-baked bread, mouth-watering fruits and roasted meat out of the market. I sat on the grass, and Sanzo stood there, smoking. I studied his face, but he looked way calmer than he had in a long time.

For a while there, when Ryptcore was hunting us, and the team was separated, and Kougaiji was with us every step of the way, Sanzo had seemed really bothered: his face had shown it, his voice had told it, and I could always smell the stress on him. There had been a couple times when I'd thought he was gonna' lose it. Or maybe that he was just never going to be able to relax again. It was good to see him looking normal again.

I laughed.

Sanzo didn't look at me, just took a drag on his cigarette, "What's so funny?"

"Nn. It's nothin'. Just, everything's okay again."

He didn't even snort.

I glanced all around, staring in every direction, almost thinking I'd see a group of soldiers or assassins coming over the hills, or a lone figure, watching us carefully, but there was nothing around for miles but soft, green grass. It made me smile.

"What, are you nervous?"

"Naw. I'm… I'm glad. I'm glad we're okay again—I'm glad stuff's normal."

I guess he didn't have anything to say, but he looked kinda' glad too, even if he'd never admit it. His eyes were clear and his frown was soft, forehead almost not wrinkled at all.

Gojyo woke up two days ago, and he still wasn't totally healed, but Sanzo wanted to keep moving on, 'cause we'd already wasted enough time, and we were already off-course, and nobody argued with him. I think everybody just wanted to get going and put all the stuff that had happened behind us as soon as possible, even if that meant just running out and facing the next challenge head-on.

I knew that I definitely felt that way. Everything had gotten to be so weird and so dangerous and so confusing, and we'd all come so close to losing each other, it would almost be good to get back to driving every day and facing assassins and focusing on protecting the sutra, and hopefully it would be a long time before we ran into the next crazy-strong, psychotic villain that wanted to kill us.

"Hakkai's chi feels like it's calmed down a lot." I said. It took him a few days to chill out, but now he felt pretty much normal again, to me anyway, and he was acting more normal too. Sometimes, I still saw him staring out the window or glancing over his shoulder, and sometimes he looked down at his hands and mumbled, but he said he was okay, and for the first time in a while, I actually believed him.

"It's weird how much that lady got under his skin."

I could see why though, even from just the way she'd been acting during our last fight with her. She was really messing with his head, telling him crap about being free and talking about killing all of us.

At last, Sanzo answered, "Hakkai still has a lot to deal with, concerning his past, even if he doesn't show it every day. As annoying as it is, I expect there to be plenty of things like her that will get under his skin and almost take his sanity from him."

A little worried, I looked up at him again, "I don't get it though. What'd Jade hafta' do with Hakkai's past? Did he meet her before?"

Sanzo shook his head, "She was just a reminder. Everyone has things like that."

Maybe he was right. I had stuff that made me remember my past too, like how I used to be scared of snow, or the way I used to be afraid to be alone, 'cause I thought everybody would leave me. Now it was weird to think that those things ever bothered me. My friends helped me get over them, and these days, I didn't think about that stuff very much, but I still had to get through things sometimes.

"That's kinda' sucky." I said, laying down in the cool grass to look up at the sky, "I wouldn't want anybody bringin' up crappy stuff outta' my past."

"No." Sanzo said, kinda' quiet. "That's not something anyone ever wants to face; things like that are hard to overcome."

"We did it though. All the stuff's that's happened in the last few weeks, we still got through it."

"Barely." He snorted.

"We did though. Sometimes…" I paused, took a short breath, "Sometimes, I wasn't sure we were gonna' make it. I thought we were gonna' lose somebody, or we weren't gonna' be tough enough."

"Hn. I'm surprised; you seemed more self-assured than any of the rest of us."

I thought about it, tried to explain it, 'cause he was right—I'd spent a lot of time telling him it would be okay, after Hakkai and Gojyo left us—but there wasn't any time to be really scared, 'cause I knew that would defeat us.

"I just…I knew that if we all stuck together, we'd be okay. The thing was, I didn't know what was gonna' happen. I mean, we almost _couldn't_ stick together. I told myself we'd all be together again, eventually, but I was never sure. I just knew that, if we wanted ta' win, and we wanted ta' make it out alive, we had ta' do it as a team."

I looked up and saw him staring hard at me, like he was trying to make sense of what I was saying, and I thought maybe I wasn't explaining it good enough.

"None of us really like bein' on a team, I know. I mean, I don't really mind it, but I guess teamwork's not our thing, yeah? Still, I think it's kinda' nice, always having people around who ya' know you can count on, and maybe the only reason any of us got outta' this was 'cause of the team. If ya' think about it, any time we got split up, or we tried ta' do stuff on our own, somethin' bad happened, or we just didn't get very far, but when the four of us were together, we beat everybody, really easy."

Sanzo was still staring at me funny.

I smiled at him, "Maybe bein' on a team's not the best thing in the world, an' maybe none of us really like it, but it'sa' lot better than bein' alone, I think. Especially if there's always gonna' be weird stuff goin' on that makes us think of our pasts and gets under our skin."

Like it or not, nobody on this team had a good past, and this time around it seemed to me like everyone was facing stuff that really bothered them. Even me, as much as I'd been sure we were all gonna' find our way back to each other and get out of that mess, I'd been really afraid to lose all my friends and to be alone all over again.

It didn't matter so much, being in that cage all those years. I coulda' been anywhere, and it still woulda' sucked, just 'cause I was alone, and I didn't wanna' be alone like that ever again.

Sanzo sighed, "If that's what you think, Monkey."

"I don't wanna' be alone." I told him quietly. "I'd rather be on this team, doin' this quest thing than be all by myself somewhere."

He looked away from me again, staring out over the grass, a weird look on his face, like he was remembering something he didn't like to think about, and I wondered how much all this had made him think about _his_ past.

"I don't think you ever will be." He mumbled.

Kinda' confused, I glanced up at him, "Wha?"

Sanzo didn't answer, and he didn't look at me. For a long time, we were quiet.

"Goku."

"Mm. Yeah?"

He was quiet again. Maybe he didn't know what to say.

I just waited.

"There were definitely times I honestly believed those two bastards were never coming back."

That was a weird thing for him to say, so I just nodded, "I know."

"But you were so sure. Like you knew something I didn't."

"I just-"

"I don't care why you thought they would—I thought maybe you're just a stupid monkey and you didn't know any better—reasons don't matter."

"'Kay." I didn't get what he was trying to say now, but I got the feeling he wanted to tell me something, so I kept waiting.

At last, Sanzo sighed, "As annoying as it was, I'm glad you didn't give up. More than that though…I'm glad you didn't go with them."

It wasn't every day he said something like that. It kinda' blew my mind. I sat up, fast, twisted around to stare at him.

He was looking back at me, real steady, not blinking or flinching or nothing. "I'm glad you stayed with me, even if it wasn't exactly what you wanted to do."

Not even thinking about it, I said quietly, "I always wanna' be with ya', Sanzo."

More time passed, and neither of us said anything, but we looked each other in the eyes, and the wind blew through his blonde hair, and I knew it was true. Even if these days I wasn't so scared to be alone, and I wasn't as nervous about getting left behind, like I used to be, I still always wanted to go wherever Sanzo went, for as long as he'd let me, so even though I felt torn between helping Hakkai and Gojyo, and being with Sanzo, I'd stayed, 'cause in the end, that was where I belonged. Next to him.

Sanzo smiled, really, really slightly, like he did sometimes—sometimes when it was just me and him—and then turned away again, went back to smoking.

I smiled too, and inside, I felt good. Warm and safe and happy, like eating a big, delicious, home-cooked meal. Whatever was behind us didn't matter now, and whatever happened next, I knew it'd be okay. As long as we could fight together, I knew I had people I could always count on, and I'd never let them down.

Way up on the hill, I saw Hakkai and Gojyo come into view. I guess they musta' already found Dokugakuji and talked to him, and now they were done, but they were really far away, like tiny flecks of red and green against the blue sky.

"Hey!" I jumped to my feet, "There're the guys!" I waved really big and sprang in the air, "Hey, guys!"

Sanzo sounded annoyed again, "Would you keep it down, monkey? They can't even hear you."

I turned to him, laughing, "So let's go up an' meet 'em!"

"Then go up and meet them."

"Let's go together!"

He glared at me for a moment, and I thought he'd say no, that he didn't feel like it, and that since they went all the way up there, they'd have to come to us.

Instead, he suddenly snorted and threw his cigarette down, grinding it into the dirt with his heel. "Fine. We'll go together."

* * *

**Hakkai**

We stood on the hill and looked down over the valley, to the shabby town we'd spent the last week holed up in, toward the west where I could see the road and the mountains, stretching away, endlessly, it seemed toward our exotic destination. Sanzo and Goku were out there, moving toward us, picking their way across the grass, seeming to take their time, and I could barely make out the ringing sound of Goku's laughter and chatter.

"It's all over." I murmured, and deep within, I felt as if I sighed and a heavy weight fell from me.

Behind me, I heard Gojyo's lighter flick open, then closed again, as he lit a cigarette. The potent scent of tobacco pervaded the air, and I'd never felt so glad to smell that in my life. "Don't sound so damn disappointed."

Even after two days, I still felt that I couldn't quite bring myself to joke with him. I couldn't quite forget the things I'd put him through, and I wasn't sure I could forgive myself just yet. At the moment, I was still busy being grateful that he was alive, and that I was sane, that the team was relatively unharmed, and that things could continue status quo.

I felt much better now, in the peace and the quiet. For days, I'd felt like a caged animal, constantly raging against captivity, angry and frightened and confused. I had thought that my energy would return to normal after Jade died, but that had not been the case, due to the circumstances, and it had taken a long time, and plenty of concentration, to relax enough to finally begin to settle down once more. For the first time in what seemed like months, I felt normal again. I just felt like Hakkai, not some rabid beast, thirsty for blood and violence, and that was a good feeling, if I'd ever had one.

"I wonder what it was about her." I mused to myself.

"I have absolutely no fucking clue—that bitch was crazy, sadistic, heartless, and a barely-average lover, so unless your taste in women is _really_ screwed up, I have no idea what it was."

I turned that over in my mind. Despite his cynical, dismissive tone, I found that I couldn't argue with any of that, "I thought…at times…it was possible she had me under some sort of enchantment."

I heard Gojyo hesitate, then he answered slowly, "What, like a spell?"

"Possibly, though, I'm sure I'll never know now. I was never aware of any sort of anomalies that might have indicated such enchantment, but she made it clear on more than one occasion that she had powers beyond that of most youkai. There were even moments when it seemed that she was able to project herself into my mind." I considered the sinister conversation we'd had in the inn that night, and I felt chilled, deep inside. Even now, I still didn't know if she'd honestly been there, or if I'd imagined it.

"You know." Gojyo sighed, "I'm not sure I really give a shit what her deal was. She dead, and I wanna' forget her."

"Yes, I think I agree with you, though I'm afraid it may be a bit hard for me, even after everything she tormented us with." Terrible things: that feeble grasp on my sanity, that desire to have freedom as a youkai, attacking Sanzo on the mountain, tearing into Gojyo's neck with my own teeth, attempting to kill Goku, all because some woman had bewitched me in some way or another. I said, even more quietly, "I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forget. That's not my strong suit, exactly, is it?"

He hooked his arm around my neck, suddenly, and I hadn't even realized he was standing so close to me. "Strong suit? Heh. You _suck_ at forgetting stuff."

"I'm afraid that's true." Slowly, I turned to look at him, relieved still by how strong and vivid he looked now, in comparison to the way he'd spent the last several days. He'd passed so many hours lying still and looking pale and gray, as if fading away, and even after he'd come to again, he'd appeared very frail and weak to me, in spite of his common, knee-jerk insistence on being 'tough'. At times, that denial of weakness and that irresponsibility and carelessness had made me want to smack him, but at the same time, I knew it was part of his recovery process to pretend he was doing better than he actually was. Looking at him now flooded me with a profound sense of contentment and reprieve, and listening to his casually offhanded remarks gave me an odd sense of peace.

"I'm glad you're okay."

He was looking back at me with unusually serious eyes. "Yeah, yeah, that's all you've said for two days straight. Just don't worry about it."

"That's easy for you to say, I'm sure. I don't know what I would have done if you'd…" I couldn't so much as choke out that last word.

"You woulda' been okay."

"I'm not so sure, Gojyo."

"Well, it didn't happen anyway, right?" He grinned at me suddenly, "Life goes on, okay? So chill out."

I sighed, but I couldn't quite hold back a smile as well, "Honestly. You'd think after all this time I would have finally figured out what to do with you, and yet I still don't know."

"Not much you _can_ do, pal."

"It seems you're right. I'm to be plagued by your insensitive flippancy forever. But _I'm_ not that way, and so you'll have to excuse me if I brood over it for a bit longer."

"'S'long as it's not _too_ long. You're makin' me nervous."

"Then I'll try to keep it to myself; however, you know…"

I stopped myself and stared down at my shoes for a long time. Here I was, in this beautiful world, even when it seemed I should have been dead long ago, and even though my life was far from perfect, there was still so much I had to be grateful for. I could see how my behaving so moodily could be rather tedious, after a time. It occurred to me that perhaps I had no excuse to be that way at all. Perhaps his flippant approach to the world, even if he was so extreme as to say 'it doesn't matter that I nearly died, because I didn't, and life proceeds', could be a better way to face such drama after all. It could be I might be able to learn something from that.

"Um? Hakkai?"

With a vague laugh, I looked up again, smiling brightly—much more brightly than I had ever since Jade first appeared—"Excuse me. You know, I think I just realized something."

"What's that?"

"I can be a terrible bummer, can't I?"

Gojyo rearranged his cigarette and shrugged. "Sometimes. So?"

"Personally, if I were you, I would find it somewhat frustrating."

"It is. But…I dunno', whatever. That's how you are."

For a brief moment, I touched his shoulder, "I appreciate your tolerance."

"You bein' sarcastic?" He cocked his mouth in a faint, almost grateful kind of smile, and I knew perfectly well that he felt as relieved by my safety and health as I did by his.

"Not at all, this time."

"_This _time…"

"Still, perhaps it makes more sense, in its own way. The events of the last month have been nothing short of horrific, in my mind, and I've been personally responsible for a good share of them, and I'm afraid I probably can't make amends for some of the things I did while temporarily insane. And yet, I'm afraid that this time, I may have to simply refuse to apologize, Gojyo—after all, you were the one who insisted on fighting her alone."

He was staring at me, eyes a little wide, as if he hadn't been expecting to hear that.

I smiled, all the more affectionately, "Honestly. Just how stupid are you?"

Gojyo burst out laughing, "Hey, man. I don't know if this new attitude is much better."

"One can't brood forever though, you know."

He grinned and ruffled my hair, suddenly, "Now you're getting it."

We stood there shoulder to shoulder, silently, and although we'd wandered the wilderness for days without Goku or Sanzo, I felt that it had been forever since we'd been together this way, unfettered by our fear or our sadness or our wounds. Never the less, to me, it was the oldest, most familiar feeling in the world, and I knew, once and for all, that everything really was going to be okay now.

We waited, and in another moment or two, Sanzo, and Goku and Jeep had joined us, and we all stood together on the top of the hill.

"Well, Sanzo, are we ready to go?"

"I've been ready to go since the day we got here. _Somebody_ else has been slowing us down."

"Fuck, Sanzo-sama, give a guy a break. I didn't wanna' come here any more than you did."

"We're really leavin' though, yeah? When're we gonna' stop for lunch?"

"_Lunch_? Monkey, you _just_ ate!"

"What, like an hour ago!"

I shook my head a bit. "At any rate, it seems that everyone is energetic today, doesn't it? So then. Is everyone ready to proceed?"

Oddly enough, Sanzo and Gojyo exchanged a brief glance, which lingered for a few seconds, and then Gojyo shoved his hands in his pockets, "What the hell, why not? Bring it on, India."

"Whoo!" Goku pumped both his fists in the air, and then took off running, right back down the hill, "C'mon, guys! Let's race! Let's race!"

Sanzo barked after him, "We don't have time for games! And you're going the wrong way, you idiot!"

As they were heading back down, I hesitated to look around, one final time, even though I felt peaceful and unbothered.

In the distance, I thought I saw a figure standing on the hillside. It was hard to make out, but it almost looked like a woman, with long, flowing hair that shone brightly in the sun.

We stared at each other a while.

_Perhaps it was all in my head, all along. Perhaps there was no enchantment, no spell, no bewitchment. Perhaps it was all me, trying to reclaim things I can never get back. And perhaps she merely took advantage of that, because I allowed her to._

"Hey!" Gojyo practically shouted, and I realized he was still standing there with me. "The monkey's winning the race—let's go."

I glanced at him, "Oh. What? I'm sorry…I'm just thinking." I turned to look one more time at the mysterious figure, but it was gone, and the hills around me were sunny and clear, my heart felt light and free for the first time in what seemed like years. "Gojyo, did you see something just now?"

He grabbed me by the shoulder and pulled me away, "Not a damn thing."

I smiled, "Ah, neither did I."

Then we walked on, side-by-side.

By and by, he grumbled, "You ever let some blood-sucking slut come between us again, and that's the end of it, sunshine."

"Yes, yes, I remember. 'Bros before hos', wasn't that what you called it?"

"That's right. Just remember, I'm your bro, not your ho, and I don't dig psycho girls."

"What about normal women?"

"They're okay."

"Just okay?"

"They're great. You know. Whatever." He was speaking almost sternly now, and his grip on my shoulder was still firm, "Just don't hook up with anymore maniacal, child-slaughtering lunatics. I'll kick your ass."

"I'll keep that in mind for the distant future, I assure you."

Gojyo smirked at me in an 'I'm only half-joking' manner, finally let me go, and then we went down the hill to join Sanzo and Goku, and kept moving forward into the west.

End


End file.
